Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy – 10 Love Laws

Here, the creator of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy describes ten secrets for happy relationships that last a lifetime. These “love laws” are both practical and romantic, and can help you build a better marriage.

Dr Sue Johnson is the author of Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. She focuses on creating the strong bonds in love, and calls her work emotionally focused therapy (EFT).

“Do you think love is illogical, random and mysterious?” asks Dr Johnson. “It’s not! We have cracked the code. In the last few years, social scientists and therapists who practice emotionally focused therapy (EFT) have made a breakthrough. Now, at the beginning of the 21st century, we have a map to this passion, this fever that has baffled poets and lovers all through human history.”

For more info on Dr Johnson’s book, read Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. And, read on for her “love laws” from emotionally focused couple therapy…

Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy – 10 Love Laws

1. Individuals are born to need each other. The human brain is wired for close emotional and physical connection with a few irreplaceable others. Accepting your need for this special kind of emotional connection is not a sign of weakness, but of maturity and strength.

2. In even happy marriages, there is often a mixture of anger, sadness and fear. Many couples have a fear of being abandoned and rejected. This hurt registers in the same part of our brains as physical hurt, and it is hard to push these feelings aside or ignore them. One of the first “love laws” for emotionally focused couple therapy is that we need to pinpoint the feeling and send clear messages about this hurt to our partners.

3. The strongest couples can admit their need and reach out to others. Love is the best survival strategy of all, and we all long for a safe haven in our relationships. Self-sufficiency is just another word for loneliness. One of Dr Johnson’s main “love laws” is to share what is in your heart.

4. Relationships can survive partners being very different. Even if you think you are from different planets, it’s okay! The one thing love can’t survive is constant emotional disconnection. According to emotionally focused couple therapy, conflict is often less threatening to your love than emotional distance.

5. There is no perfect marriage or love relationship. “Happily ever after” is only in the movies. Couples shut down when they think they failed at love, when the disappoint each other. But our partners don’t want perfection! They need emotional presence, which is a key tip from emotionally focused couple therapy.

6. The important arguments aren’t about the “big things.” Fighting about money, kids, or physical intimacy is just the ripple on the surface of the sea. Those arguments are often about someone protesting, often in an indirect way that is hard to understand, the loss of safe emotional connection. The worst trap in marriage is when one person really wants to say, “Where are you? Do I matter to you?” but instead becomes critical and demanding. The other person feels hopeless and inadequate, and moves away. Emotional disconnection increases.

7. We only have two ways to cope when we can’t connect in love. We can get mad and move in fast to break down the other’s walls, or we can try not to care so much and build a wall to protect ourselves. Which one do you do? A “love law” from emotionally focused couple therapy is to overcome unhealthy ways of coping in love relationships.

8. Affection is the best tips for a long, happy love relationship. Hugging, holding hands, caressing, and physically reaching out to your partner is an antidote to stress, and the best way to build a better marriage. Cuddle hormones turn off stress hormones!

9. Long-lasting passion and intimacy is possible in love. Infatuation is just the prelude to a long, happy love relationship. A “love law” of emotionally focused couple therapy is romance can last a lifetime, if partners are prepared to work at it.

10. The key moments in strong love relationships are when partners open up and ask for what they need, and the other partner responds. This honesty and vulnerability demands courage, but this is the moment of magic and transformation in solid relationships.

Dr. Sue Johnson is a psychologist and the creator of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.

If you have questions or thoughts on these “love laws” from emotionally focused couple therapy, please share below…

You may also be interested in a Marriage Stress Test – 20 Questions for Married Couples.

Category: Common Law, Expressing Love, Love, Marriage, Reconnecting, Romance, Stages of Love