How to Detach From Someone You Care About
Before the tips, a quip:
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
That’s a wonderful suggestion for getting on with your life: take a step back and let time and space flow between you and your lost love. Below, I describe what it means to “let there be spaces in your togetherness.”
Why do you need to detach from someone you care about? Because emotional over-involvement in relationships can throw even otherwise well-functioning people out of balance. Emotional over-involvement happens when thoughts become focused on the other person in ways that are unhealthy for both the individual and the relationship. Over-involvement can lead to feelings of anxiety, agitation, helplessness, depression, anger, and even resentment.
Disentangle: When You’ve Lost Your Self in Someone Else provides a detailed description of ways to turn this self-destructive cycle around. This book includes self-assessments and exercises that can improve your self-awareness and help you detach or disentangle from someone you care about.
And here are a few tips for healthy detachment…
Tips for Detaching From Someone You Care About
“Disentangling” or detachment’ is about creating enough emotional space between yourself and another person so you can see the realities of your relationship and make healthier choices.
These tips revolve around detaching from an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, but can be applied to any type of friendship or relationship.
1. Focus on yourself – not your ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or partner. For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. To detach from an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, write down your goals and take specific action steps towards achieving them.
2. Give yourself – and your ex - space to heal and breathe. One of the most important things to do when you’re detaching from someone you care about is to take a step back — though your instinct might be to move closer! Instead of crowding your ex, find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your love relationship, marriage, kids, and family members. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe by developing your own interests and life. This is difficult when you’re emotionally over-involved or even obsessed with the other person, but it’s so important.
3. Look at your relationship objectively – practice detaching yourself! You may have been invested in this love relationship or marriage for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the love relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Did your ex willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him or her? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose the same person again as your partner. These questions may help you overcome lost love and get on with your life.
4. Decide if you want to stay in this relationship. This tip is for couples who are still together, but wonder if they should break up — because sometimes you need to start detaching from someone you care about while you’re still together. Before you can think about overcoming lost love, you need to decide if you should stay together — because many couples do stay in unhealthy relationships. So, can you accept your partner exactly the way he or she is right now and not complain? Or, are you both willing to do what it takes to work on your relationship (eg, marriage counseling, support groups, or reading books or taking communication classes together)? A healthy love relationship can’t happen when only one partner cares enough to try to rebuild it.
5. Focus on the fact that the pain of detachment is temporary. The initial pain of detaching from someone you care about is usually the worst part of it. I know how heartbreaking it is; it may feel like you’ll never love again, never trust again, never laugh again…but trust me, you will get over your lost love. It’ll take time, it’ll take support from your friends, patience, and maybe even 40 days and nights of wailing and gnashing your teeth – but you will be happy again.
Letting go of someone you love isn’t something you do once – and poof! You’re free, healed, and happy. Rather, letting go is a journey peppered with steps forward and steps backward, good days and bad days, peaks and valleys.
If you’re still reeling from a bad break up, read How to Move On When He Leaves You to Pick Up the Pieces.
If you have any thoughts about detaching from someone you care about, please comment below…
Category: Breaking Up, Letting Go
I wrote another article to help you detach from someone you care about. I can’t keep up with all the comments on this blog – I wish I could respond to everyone individually, but I just can’t!
This article is based on Coral’s comments…
Can’t Get Over the Divorce? How to Survive Your Marriage Ending
The tips aren’t just for people going through divorces; they’re for anyone who is trying to move on after a separation or loss. I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.
Blessings,
Laurie
im having a very hard time detaching from my ex-spouse. He has cheated on me through 17 years of marriage. I developed non- hodgkins lymphomia last year and he started talking to women on the internet. I lost my hair and he called me names. I divorced him but since then we have tried to work it out but I caught him cheating on me again. Why cant I get away from him? And why do I still love him please somebody help me? My heart and my spirit is broken and I cant seem to find out why I feel this way.
Im so hurt at the moment and really need advise and i feel just typing this out is also gonna help me not feel so alone. I have been dating my bf for a year and a couple months and for the first 8 months he was crazy bout me told me he wants to marry me lets just say he would have done everything for me and i was not really there… I loved him but not that affectionate etc. We live together and been going really down hill since. Its got really bad he has no emotion to me and just shrugs me off, no matter how much i cry and express my love for him he is not bothered. he goes out and tells his friends all the fyts we have etc and allows his friends to speak really nasty to me and give me afdvice in there tone , and i know him before he would have booted his friend if that were the case. He just shows no care and really nasty i send him messages and no reply. Please give me advice on what i should do. im destroyed and feel like i have no where to go.
I need some advice…I dated a guy for 9 months and I fell in love with him..Towards the end we argued alot about silly things but he was all I ever wanted. One day I found it in my heart to ask him if he really loved me and if he was serious..his response was “that I care about you but im not in love with you”…Immediately my heart broke b/c I really cared for him. He told me that he loved me before and he wanted to marry one day and everything. I meant his family and all. I was confused and hurt. I asked him if it was someone else and he said NO… We didnt speak in a month, so one day I text him and asked him why did he try me..he called me and told me that he went behind my back and met up with his ex bc they never had closure. This woman cheated on him and treated him horrible- (he told me that she knew about me). I was devastated bc i give this guy the best of me and now he treats me like i never existed. he told me that he dated her for six years and he was willing to take the risk. Im so hurt, I want to let go its been about 4 months but I still care for him and miss him. I hate the way I feel. Now he is living his life with his ex. The last thing he texted me was he was happy with his ex and dont contact him. Did this guy ever care for me? or was it a joke bc he moved on so quick. What should I do now b/c my heart is broken. -btw the other day he contacted my sister bf which is his bff and asked him if he thinks that me or my sister will ever talk to him…Why would he ask that after he treated me so bad???.Im so hurt, and I need some advice. btw he lives in a different city from me..but the his ex lives in the same city as him. How to let go?
Hello,
My situation is a little different. I have become a mother to one of my exchange students. We have grown a strong bond over the last 2 or so years. He has become a part of our family. He is now in college and has a girlfriend that he wants me to desperately get to know. The last few visits, he has spent a lot of time talking to her on the phone and I feel emotionally hurt by it. I know this is normal for teenagers to talk all the time but I really need to be emotionally detached but at the same time be a mom to him. He would be devastated if I totally cut him off but I am finding it difficult emotionally. I want to be his mom and that is it without the emotions. I get angry when he leaves the room to talk to his girlfriend. I thought I was so over it. I have even talked to him about it and he tries to be discreet. Of course his girlfriend calls him 5 to 6 times a day while he is visiting and I find that very disturbing. Can you offer any suggestions on how to let go but not let go?
Hello,
I have been trying to detach from my ex for over a year now and as you stated there are good days when I am empowered to move on and there are bad days when I feel as if I cant move on because no one will ever make me feel the way that he does. What makes the pain even worse is that even if I wanted to get back with him I couldn’t because he is incarcerated. I have loved him sine I was 14years old and I am now 28. It hurts because I feel that I have been waiting to begin my life (marriage and kids) with him and now that his freedom is uncertain I feel that I wont ever get that chance again. He is my first love and my only love….
Dear Renee,
I’m so sorry to hear how hard it is for you to detach from your lost love…..one thing to focus on is why you keep breaking up! Obviously something is off kilter with your relationship, otherwise you’d stay together.
To overcome heartbreak, I encourage you to focus on the reasons for breaking up. That might help you detach.
If you need more tips, I’ve written about a dozen articles on breaking up and letting go of someone you love! Let me know if you want the links; I can put them here.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi I am finding it sooooooo difficult to detach. I feel like I am going to die. So I never get through the initial detachment because I end up going back. The pain is so unbearable the only way to stop it is if I get back together.
I dont know if I should be with him or not. All I know is when we split I feel like I am dieing.,