Marriage Max

How to Detach From Someone You Care About

Written by on February 19, 2010 in Breaking Up, Letting Go with 43 Comments

Learning how to detach from someone you care about – or love deeply – is a process. These tips for detaching will help you retain a sense of yourself in your relationship.

Emotional over-involvement in a relationship can throw even a healthy, well-functioning person off balance. Here’s how to detach from someone you care deeply about — whether you’re still in a relationship, or you’ve separated.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”

That’s a wonderful suggestion for getting on with your life: take a step back and let time and space flow between you and your lost love. Below, I describe what it means to “let there be spaces in your togetherness.”

Disentangle: When You’ve Lost Your Self in Someone Else provides a detailed description of ways to turn this self-destructive cycle around. This book includes self-assessments and exercises that can improve your self-awareness and help you detach or disentangle from someone you care about.

And here are a few tips for healthy detachment…

How to Detach From Someone You Care About

Emotional over-involvement happens when thoughts become focused on the other person in ways that are unhealthy for both the individual and the relationship. Over-involvement can lead to feelings of anxiety, agitation, helplessness, depression, anger, and even resentment. “Disentangling” or detachment’ is about creating enough emotional space between yourself and another person so you can see the realities of your relationship and make healthier choices.

These tips revolve around detaching from an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, but can be applied to any type of friendship or relationship. I had to learn how to detach from my sister, who I can’re about deeply.

1. Focus on yourself – not your ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend, or partner. For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. To detach from an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, write down your goals and take specific action steps towards achieving them.

2. Give yourself – and your ex - space to heal and breathe. One of the most important tips on how to detach from someone you care about is to take a step back — though your instinct might be to move closer! Instead of crowding your ex, find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your love relationship, marriage, kids, and family members. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe by developing your own interests and life. This is difficult when you’re emotionally over-involved or even obsessed with the other person, but it’s so important.

How to Get Your Ex Back
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3. Look at your relationship objectively – practice detaching yourself! You may have been invested in this love relationship or marriage for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the love relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Did your ex willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him or her? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose the same person again as your partner. These questions may help you detach from someone you care about and get on with your life.

4. Decide if you want to stay in this relationship. This tip is for couples who are still together, but wonder if they should break up — because sometimes you need to start detaching from someone you care about while you’re still together. Before you can think about overcoming lost love, you need to decide if you should stay together — because many couples do stay in unhealthy relationships. So, can you accept your partner exactly the way he or she is right now and not complain? Or, are you both willing to do what it takes to work on your relationship (eg, marriage counseling, support groups, or reading books or taking communication classes together)? A healthy relationship can’t happen when only one partner cares enough to try to rebuild it.

5. Focus on the fact that the pain of detachment is temporary. The initial pain of detaching from someone you care about is usually the worst part of it. I know how heartbreaking it is; it may feel like you’ll never love again, never trust again, never laugh again…but trust me, you will get over your lost love. It’ll take time, it’ll take support from your friends, patience, and maybe even 40 days and nights of wailing and gnashing your teeth – but you will be happy again.

Do think you’ll never learn how to detach from someone you care about? Read How to Get Over Your Ex Boyfriend When You’ve Tried Everything.

Are you stuck in the past?
How to Let Go of Someone You Love

If you have any thoughts about detaching from someone you care about, please comment below…

how to detach from love

laurie blowing kiss

How are you? All comments welcome!
I can't give you advice,
but writing can help you gain insight.
Peace and blessings,
Laurie

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43 Reader Comments

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  1. Laurie says:

    Dear Jasmine,

    Thank you for sharing here – it sounds like you’ve been through so much in your relationship! I know there have been some good parts, but it sounds like there have been many more difficult things to deal with as a couple.

    Have you thought about going to counseling on your own? Part of detaching from someone you care about is getting healthy, strong, whole and balanced as a woman.

    What do you think about seeing a counselor – not a marriage counselor, but someone for you to see on your own?

  2. Jasmine says:

    My fiance and I have been together a number of years now, we have a toddler and one on the way.. The problem is the first year of our relationship was crap.. I had just broken up with my ex and wasn’t ready for anything, but he pursued me anyway.. He started resenting me after a couple months of seeing each other casually b/c i wasn’t getting over my ex fast enough, so i started to seek and cling onto some sort of relationship with my ex, when his words turned abusive (slut, goldigger, retard).. When i opened up about sexual abuse in early childhood while i was newly pregnant, he was disgusted by me and again with the cruel names and words (worthless whore, dirty cunt, you wanted it) he broke my heart and he kept saying those things, so i continued my on and off friendship with my ex for comfort while he and i were still getting closure for our break up and why.. We only talked about every couple of months.. But my realtionship with my bf just continued to get worse.. After having my son via c-section he trashed me all over town, telling people i was ruined and stretched and cheating then tried telling me he didn’t want people fantasizing about me and making comments.. He cut off my contact with loved ones and looked in the shower and in corners as if someone was going to be there.. His paranoia got to the point that police had to be involved.. And he hates me for that.. We got back together after a month and a half apart to try to patch things up and be a family.. We started counseling both individually and couple.. Recently i’ve found evidence that he cheated a couple months after our reconciliation, when he claimed to be “over the moon” happy, i also found evidence that he’s been flirting only weeks ago.. He said i deserved it the first time b/c i hurt him and this time b/c i don’t ever believe him when he says i’m beautiful, even though he has had a horrible wandering eye since, i got pregnant, would pressure me for a 3somes and looking up other women on facebook, even friends of mine then watched porn right after.. To him I deserve to be punished for the rest of my life, for some mistakes i made the first year we were together.. I know i should’ve taken more time to heal before dating anyone, but i didn’t.. But he also chose to pursue me, knowing situation even after i said i wasn’t ready or refused to return his “i love you” a few weeks after we started seeing each other.. I shouldn’t have consoled in my ex about our problems , but i did.. I’ve acknowledge my mistakes, but he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, i always “deserved it.” In counseling we were both supposed to accept the good from that time and let go of the past, learn from those mistakes and move forward.. I let it go, it still hurts to think about how bad it was, but i don’t use it against him either.. He on the other hand doesn’t i try to talk about an issue in the now and he will bring up something i did years ago from that negative time and say i’m not perfect and spew some more hateful reminders, while avoiding his own wrong doings.. I don’t know if detaching myself will take away his power or satisfaction by hurting me. I’m tired of giving him that ego boost and satisfation of what he percieves as “winning” but i’m willing to try, i just don’t know where to start.. He isn’t like this all the time, only when it’s convenient to open up his bag of tricks to try to hurt me during a disagreement.. Instead of working in issue he would rather hurt me to “win”.. P.S. We have not been in counseling for over a year now.. Thanks

  3. Joanne says:

    How long should I go without seeing the person I got attached to? I typically saw once-twice a week for 4 months. Helpful article!

  4. Laurie says:

    Another tip on how to detach from someone you care about is to accept that at some level, you’ll always be attached to him or her. We can never fully extricate our hearts from someone we love!

    • JoJo says:

      okay… I need advice then. I got emotionally attached to my son’s martial arts teacher… considering taking him to more convenient location but part of me doesn’t know if I can handle completely not seeing teacher at all. But I have a month of carefully considering what to do. A “temporary” break… but I do need advice. I am a healthy person but this person has made me feel a wide range of emotions from irritation, frustration, and giddiness. lol But it distanced me from my husband.

  5. Laurie says:

    Dear Angela,

    That’s great that you recognize that you’re not in a healthy relationship. The first step to detaching from your boyfriend is realizing that you’re not good for each other. Often, we start to emotionally pull away before we leave the relationship – it’s a process.

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  6. Angela says:

    This is a great blog just reading people mail and knowing that you are not the only one in these type of situations makes me feel much better. My problem is kind of different, but I want to let go, Im the problem with the man that I have deep feelings for, he was hurt by one of my ex and seem to not trust me anymore. No matter how I try to regain the trust from him, nothings works, we can be in each others presence hug and kiss each other, than he puts up this wall that separates us and steps back. I need to move on because it is not healthy for me or him.

  7. Laurie says:

    Thanks for your comments and book recommendation! Boundaries is a great book on overcoming emotional over-involvement.

  8. TU says:

    Kary, before you get more involved, might I suggest you try Boundaries in Dating with Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend? Men don’t listen to what we say. They listen to what we do. I suggest you watch his actions before getting more involved. He could be playing you.

  9. Laurie says:

    Hi Kary,

    I think you should believe him when he says he doesn’t want a relationship. He is being honest and telling you the truth: he does not want to fall in love and commit his life to you.

    Don’t make the mistake of believing he’ll change his mind! You don’t have a future with him, because he doesn’t want a future with you.

    So, you have a choice: proceed and fall in deeper and deeper in love with him even though you know he can’t give you what you need, or start detaching now so you can heal and move on. Either way, it’ll be painful.

    Where do you see yourself in a year? What kind of life do you want to be leading?

  10. Kary says:

    Hello. I’m a college student and I’m in this relationship that I am not sure what to do with. The thing is that in the beginning of it all we agreed upon a “not too serious” relationship. He stated clearly that he wasn’t looking for love in any relationship for the time being, yet it is not a short term relationship. Hearing that he’s not looking for love sunk my heart 1,000 feet underwater! I like him too much and I could see a future with him. I am confused on whether to leave him or just stick for the ride. I said to myself that I would take this one day at a time but I can’t help but think of the future. Unlike him he doesn’t think of the future at all. I have to clue how he does it.

  11. nj vhanz says:

    hi.. I have this feeling that I fell in-love to a wrong person. He is a Frenchman, married and has a one baby boy. I met him Online. We chatted and video chat for 2months now. I figured out that I was falling in love with him slowly. He always reminded of how he loved his family. I want to detached this feeling for him and stop loving him. I want to let go of this. All i know is I want him so badly.

  12. Laurie says:

    Dear Rachelle,

    Letting go of an ex is one of the hardest things to do! It often seems so much easier to just sink back into life together, to hope that your relationship will improve or change.

    But sometimes the best route is to keep moving forward. I can’t give you specific advice because I don’t know you or your ex-boyfriend, but I do believe that sometimes distance is the best way to see your relationship more clearly.

    Maybe you and he should take a 3 month break from each other? Don’t just drop out of his life without closure or a conversation – that’s not healthy for him or you. But perhaps you could tell him that you care for him and even love him, but you think a break would be the best thing for both of you.

    A break — no contact via email, text, phone, etc — may help you see your relationship more clearly. It’ll help quell the emotions, and give you time and space to take a deep breath and figure out what to do next.

    While you’re on your break, you could start thinking about specific ways to detach from someone you care about. Here’s an article that may help:

    I hope this helps a little. What do you think?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  13. rachelle says:

    btw, i forgot to mention that he’s finally working, but, still he’s unhappy about his job and miserable in it.. i was also thinking that based on how things turns out after my “trip”, i thought i’d like for us to look into getting counseling together.. this is if he’s still around then or still wants to try to fix us.. do you think i should even bother?

  14. rachelle says:

    hi Laurie, thank you so much for your response.. a lot has happened since my last post.. i’ve recently (literally 2 days ago) moved out of the house we were renting which was his aunt’s house. i was trying to get along with him and i thought we were doing fine and seemed to be making progress as he seemed to be making a little more effort than before.. however, now his parents has become an issue between us and it all finally came out that his mom didn’t want us to get back together.. we’ve also realized, my ex and I, that he might be going thru some emotional distress disorder due to all the things that’s been happening.. these are all based on what i see and what he tells me about what he’s feeling and going through. it’s like he’s emotionally disabled and don’t know what to do, how to feel and how to fix himself and us anymore.. he has also mentioned being so depressed and at times thinking of hoping to not wake up when he goes to sleep and other ways that he hoped would put him out of his misery.. he doesn’t talk about committing suicide or hurting himself in anyway, just that he hoped something bad would happen to him so he would be gone.. i think that because he’s now so vulnerable his mom has brainwashed him about me treating him badly if he comes back to me and he has told me that he fears that now but still he won’t let go and hopes that we could try to talk, get along and build a stronger foundation so we get back to how we used to be.. idk what to do anymore.. i’ve gotten along with him and has tried to give in to everything he has asked for but there were days when i would get hurt and it would be so much that all i’d want is to just stay away from him so for days i would ignore his texts and avoid.. and when i did this he would go back to the way it was, of him closing up on me, being cold and distant and we would have to start all over again.. he tells me he tries to see my side of things but he’s hurting too.. now because of all the pain, i decided to lie to him and told him i will be gone on a trip for a few weeks out of the country were it would be hard to get a hold of me.. this is so we could have some break from each other and i’m hoping that it would give him time to truly think of what’s going on.. i’m not hoping that he’d realize how much he loves me anymore, in fact, i’m thinking the worst, that he’d probably realize that he’s better off without me.. i’m just worried about him coz of his state of mind as idk how bad things would be for him while i’m gone… should i contact him just to see if he’s ok? i’d hate to do that coz it’ll beat the purpose of giving us a break but i also don’t want him to ever feel i abandoned him.. i know how that feels coz that’s what i felt he has done to me… again thank you for your time.. i truly appreciate it.

  15. Laurie says:

    Dear Danny,

    Knowing how to detach from your girlfriend – how to heal and move on – depends on your personality, lifestyle, and how long the relationship lasted. There aren’t any immediate prescriptions or quick fixes for overcoming lost love.

    How long were you together, and why did you break up? Have you talked to a counselor about the relationship, and your difficulty moving on? The answers to those questions might help you figure out how to detach and heal.

  16. Laurie says:

    Dear Rachelle,

    Thank you for sharing your story – it sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your boyfriend! I can’t tell you what he’s thinking or what he’s trying to do.

    It sounds like you’re doing all the work in your relationship and you’re making a lot of really difficult decisions. He’s sort of coasting, and contacting you but not doing any real WORK. By that I mean making an effort to spend time with you, get a job, build a life with you and the kids in a home. Texting is super easy and doesn’t require hardly any effort.

    What do you want to see happen in this relationship? Would you rather detach yourself, or do you want things to continue as they are?

    Remember that your boyfriend won’t change. He is who he is, and it doesn’t sound like he’s ready to make big changes in his life.

    If you could have anything in this relationship, what would it be?

  17. rachelle says:

    hi, my situation is pretty complicated and i’m hoping that you can give me some advice somehow.. my bf and i was going on 2 1/2 years by next month. in spite of me having pmdd (which made life really difficult a few days each month), in our first 1 1/2 years together, things were really good and he was the perfect guy who i thought was the one i would want to spend the rest of my life with. a year ago he lost his job and up until now he hasn’t been able to find employment. for the past year i have shouldered everything, (i have 2 daughters from another relationship), i took care of us financially and things would’ve been so bad if things on his end didn’t change. he stopped or rarely became intimate with me, he got depressed and started feeling down on himself, however, i did all i could to try to lift his spirits up by supporting him emotionally, and in every way i could, i spoiled him and basically gave him anything he asked for in the hopes that at least would make him happy even temporarily and i tried to remain the same as i’ve always been. unfortunately, coz of the stress and feeling rejected by him, my pmdd got worst. i had to seek therapy (and at one point i had him see my therapist just so he understood what i was going through, at least that’s what i hoped it would do).. instead he stopped seeing her and i felt more rejected by him. we started fighting so much, more than usual, at times it got physical, i’ve kicked him out a few times and in spite of all the fights, he came up with the solution of moving out of state, to florida (from ny), thinking that financially it’ll be easier for us due to the cost of living.. he convinced me to move and told me that things would get better and he would be better.. for the first 2-3 months i was traveling from ny to fl every other weekend to be with him and my daughters as i had to keep my job in ny. however, i noticed that he wasn’t pushing to get a job and i was stuck traveling which made things a lot harder for me, i missed my kids and i missed not being with all of them.. the stress level for me got higher due to the situation.. the few days i’d be in florida we would find ourselves arguing. then in september we had a huge fight and i kicked him out again. this time it was a lot easier for him to leave because his parents lives 5 minutes away. i’ve realized that having his parents near him made things worse for us, it felt as if now that his parents are nearby, he didn’t care as much to be away from me unlike before when he couldn’t bear the thought of being away from me physically. because of the problems, i decided to resign from my job to stay with my kids.. eventually he came back home, however, arguments and fights didn’t stop. i was very frustrated with how he seemed to take me for granted, our situation, me physically and worst is i started to feel as if he was taking advantage of me and the situation, that i shouldered everything. eventually, he would be the one to just leave and run off to his parents’ house whenever we would argue and i started to feel abandoned more and more.. a month ago, we had another big fight, i told him once again how i felt so rejected by him, how i felt he wasn’t pushing to try to get or look for a job since i was the one who constantly would submit his resumes for him while he surfs the internet for sports news and what-not.. he turned things around on me and blamed my pmdd and how it pushed him away from me coz of it. he said that i constantly just bicker with him and when i would go through my bad days i would constantly push him away or isolate myself which he hated.. i isolated myself coz it was my only way to avoid us from fighting and it was my only way to deal with it to calm me down. i’ve asked him time and time again to let me have my space during those days so i can deal with it in my own way without starting an argument, however he would never allow me to have that time to myself and would constantly push and push or force his way to get to me through locked doors, etc., until we start getting into a fight.. when he left again a month ago coz of an argument, this time i told him not to come back..and this time he didn’t. i’ve tried to detach myself from him, from changing my cell phone number, to blocking him from both my cell and emails but because i still love him, i found myself returning his texts and emails.. in spite of everything, he would text me everyday, from the moment he wakes up and he won’t stop until i respond. i asked him back but he wouldn’t come back saying that he wants us to take our time and try to get along first and go from there. during thanksgiving he never bothered to spend time with me and that hurt me even more. i moved out here for him and yet he abandons me and i feel as if he’s really not making an effort besides his daily texts of “hellos”, “how are you” or “how was your day” and go from there. i don’t know what to think, i don’t know if he’s just stringing me along and i don’t know what he really wants from me. he tells me that he wants to find a job and get back his manhood that he felt he lost after losing his job, he has been depressed and really down on himself, he doesn’t want to jump back into the relationship and wants to “rebuild” us by talking, hanging out and getting along, just like how we did in the beginning of our relationship and eventually he tells me he wants us to get back together.. he tells me he still loves me the same but just wants to take things slow. but he doesn’t really make an effort to see me and i live 5 mins away from him. again, what is this? what is he trying to do? is he just playing me coz i really don’t know what to believe anymore. please help..

  18. Danny says:

    Hi
    It has been two years and I am still trying to detach myself from my girlfriend. I have annulled my marriage once because I didn’t feel right to marry someone when I am still emotionally involved with someone else.
    Any suggestions????
    Regards…….

  19. Shawn says:

    Thank you for an amazing article!
    In addition to all this I pray to God and things work out ^_^

  20. Christy says:

    I’m at a loss. I’m 36 dating a 21 yr old! He lives 5 minutes from me on the same road. I have such strong feelings for him, but he is always in need for something. He has ADD ADHD, a rare stomach disorder and is always anxious without medicinal herb. He knows I have strong feelings for him, but his actions to me are so hot and cold. He has no car, no job and uses his moms cell phone? All he does is focus on how his room looks and when the next grateful dead concert is coming. What am I doing? He broke up with me because he was tired of me hurting him? All he ever does is ask for things and for some reason I would justify it by what ever thing is happening at that moment, but never do we just live in the moment and enjoy each other. How could I do this to myself. He is like an addiction to me. He’s not even that attractive but for some reason he moves me. It’s not even the sex. He wants us to have a day where we are not arguing about something. It’s hard to be with someone that is always stressed out and really has not much to be stressed out about!! What his bedroom? I just wish I had the strength to let him go, I really need help.

  21. tina says:

    Thank you so much for this article. It is very helpful and well written.

  22. Maria says:

    Continuing from up top… He’s not happy we went over everything I kept asking him why he wasn’t happy he doesn’t give me a reason he says he doesn’t know. I cook, I clean, I do laundry so I’m a neat freak but so is he. I don’t get it were great together. He tells me it’s not me it’s him!!!! Is he serious. Bottom line is this I would do ANYTHING for this man. He will not give me z chance he says he’s MADD up his mind he doesn’t see a future for us. He says he loves me but he’s not in love with me. I Feel like I’m dying. To make matters worse my daughter and I moved in with him in January and now he wants us both out by End of August. Were still living together we have dinners, together with the kids were civil about the whole cituation mbut I’m dying inside. I feel like he doesn’t care. He says he’s sorry but in reality I don’t really think he is. And now he’s trying to be a hero he’s helping me find sn apparment knowing I lost my job in may. Unemployment is not enough to cover rent, utility bills, car payment, car insurance, food and all other nevesities. I don’t want to have to take my daughter out of college it’s her 2 year there and she likes it but I can’t afford it. I haven’t told her yet. We still sleep in the same bed, he had said no more sexual relations but I’ve made that very hard on him and Webe been doing “it” I convinced him by telling him Hey it’s just sex No Strings attached. I’m lying to myself!!!!! I love him and I’m in love with him I need advice on how to fight his decision I want to be with him. How can I change his mind. He says he has other priorities. I once thought I was on that list I guess I wad wrong. Please any advice on how to keep him, how to make it work, what to do next!!!! I’m lost!!!!

  23. Maria says:

    My Name is Maria, I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. These have been the BEST Years of my life. Last year around April of 2011 we had “the talk” he initiated it he tells me
    That he’s not happy anymore. I thought things were fine at the time I guess I was wrong. Having in mind that this was and is the love of my life I begged and pleaded for us to try to save our relationship it didn’t quite work. We broke up for 2 weeks those were the longest 2 weeks of my life I WAS DEVISTATED. this was around his birthday id call him and either he ignored my calls or would pick up but with z very cold voice. I texted him and left him voicemails. One day before his birthday I called and asked him to meet me as friends he accepted under the condition we didn’t speak about our relationship. We met I wore his favorite dress it was like magic we sat and had a few drinks he apologized and said he messed up we left together. We got back together until last week he told me he couldn’t do this anymore that he couldn’t be with me anymore. He still has NOT given me a reason of why. He tells me that he hasn’t been in love with me for the past 2 years. Can u believe that 2 YEARS!!!!! last October while still together he rents a little house and had made up a contract under both our names this was a rental with an option to buy. Here I am thinking wow this is it!!! My boyfriend my home our future together. We have children from past relationships he has 2 sons ages 21 and 24 I have a daughter 20. Now It hasnt always been great in the house but we managed. By December he gives me an ultimatum to move in with HIM. At first I was very hesitant but I didn’t want to lose him so I moved in with him in Jan of 2012. In April we yet again had the talk he’s not happy he says

  24. Joe says:

    hey,
    In the ending of last year i’ve met the most adoring, loveable, unique, and expectacualr girl someone would ever want to meet. while getting to know her i discovered a lot, learned a lot and tasted the meaning of life. My goals where resigned, determined, and my mind was clear. in the past 9 month my life changed dramaticly and from my last love ( 4 years ago i was broken hearted too i detached myself, it felt like killing the person i was and the experience changed me completly) i couldn’t think that i would love someone again. but that didn’t happen i love this girl even more and i used my experience from the last one to reach levels with this girl that i wouldn’t dream of.
    she informed me many times that she was confused about the relationship because of my age (we are in same age), and my preparedness for a serious commitment and she said i jump into things without thinking ( i sometimes assumed being spontaneous is better, i was wrong) but most of the time this wasn’t a problem and we were having the love of our life she was happy and i can’t even describe what i was feeling, it was ture happiness in its crystal forms.
    in the last days of May she told me that we have to stop she was very cool when she said that i felt that i couldn’t respond to that she told me that se needs a break to think about things and i knew back then thats this is the begining of the end, i was so devastated about that so i recpected her request (although i knew it will cost me the love of my life, but i had to), last week she told me that shes getting married next week it was a mental shock for me, but i hold a solid grib of myself and i wished her the best and after she hang up i prayed for the best for her she deserve it.
    all i’m saying is i love this girl and i think detaching myself will not be easy and wont be in my best interest because i will forget all the memories about her and that would change my personaltiy again for the second time in only 4 years period i wont be stable for years and i will suffer alot in the future. (physically i will not try to be close to her nor i will disturb her marriage nor her life)
    the question is : Is having hopes of her coming back a good thing or its not? why plz?

  25. may says:

    I really need some advice , ive been with my bf for 3 years, and two days bfore r 3year anniversary i found out he was tlking to this girl, but it was 3months ago, i confronted him and he said it was one time , it seemed like he didnt care , it really hurt me bcuz i trusted him he said sorry and stuff, but i still think about it everyday , anf i get really mad over it , idk whts wrong with me i cant let it go , i feel like .. Why should i let him wlk around and b happy , and me just forget about it like nothing happened im 18 by the way and he’s 21 , wht should i do ?

  26. boo says:

    I pray and ask God to help me everyday. Its very hard.

  27. boo says:

    Me and my bf has been together for two years we split up then got back together. I found out a month ago he lives with his ex. He spends five nights a week with me he answers every phone call and text i seen to him on the days he dont spend the night he spends the day with me. I love him very much but its hard to except that he lives with his ex. I dont know what to do. We get along do everything together. But he lives with ex

  28. Lena says:

    I hae tried several times over the last 6 years to detach from my now husband and it hurt each time. Really bad. It may be like quitting smoking. im going to attempt to detach from my husband soon and move to another town. I hope this time it works, because I do Not want to live like this anymore. I cant do it, for my own health, as I now know that I have to take care of myself so I can care for my children. so, here goes. wish me luck.

  29. jordan says:

    my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because we had a little misunderstanding and ever since i have been trying to get her back but she insist not. how do i detach and stop loving her?

  30. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Is it easier to detach from someone you care about if you believe that your life is in God’s hands, and that this breakup is better for you in the long run?

  31. Nicole says:

    Hello I’ve been married for 5 yrs now but we’ve been together 10 yrs total and my husband cheated on me and I cheated rite bac too wrongs don’t make a rite we were both wrong but I had to let him know your not gonna do this to me and I’m just gonna sit back oh hell no I think every man cheats you know how many married men ask me out after me telling them I’m married also its a game u have to play

  32. zziwa says:

    I feet it difficult to leave her now what should i do in order to loose feelings towareds her

  33. I wrote another article to help you detach from someone you care about. I can’t keep up with all the comments on this blog – I wish I could respond to everyone individually, but I just can’t!

    This article is based on Coral’s comments…

    Can’t Get Over the Divorce? How to Survive Your Marriage Ending

    The tips aren’t just for people going through divorces; they’re for anyone who is trying to move on after a separation or loss. I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts here or there.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  34. coral says:

    im having a very hard time detaching from my ex-spouse. He has cheated on me through 17 years of marriage. I developed non- hodgkins lymphomia last year and he started talking to women on the internet. I lost my hair and he called me names. I divorced him but since then we have tried to work it out but I caught him cheating on me again. Why cant I get away from him? And why do I still love him please somebody help me? My heart and my spirit is broken and I cant seem to find out why I feel this way.

  35. Squeeky says:

    Im so hurt at the moment and really need advise and i feel just typing this out is also gonna help me not feel so alone. I have been dating my bf for a year and a couple months and for the first 8 months he was crazy bout me told me he wants to marry me lets just say he would have done everything for me and i was not really there… I loved him but not that affectionate etc. We live together and been going really down hill since. Its got really bad he has no emotion to me and just shrugs me off, no matter how much i cry and express my love for him he is not bothered. he goes out and tells his friends all the fyts we have etc and allows his friends to speak really nasty to me and give me afdvice in there tone , and i know him before he would have booted his friend if that were the case. He just shows no care and really nasty i send him messages and no reply. Please give me advice on what i should do. im destroyed and feel like i have no where to go.

  36. lisa says:

    I need some advice…I dated a guy for 9 months and I fell in love with him..Towards the end we argued alot about silly things but he was all I ever wanted. One day I found it in my heart to ask him if he really loved me and if he was serious..his response was “that I care about you but im not in love with you”…Immediately my heart broke b/c I really cared for him. He told me that he loved me before and he wanted to marry one day and everything. I meant his family and all. I was confused and hurt. I asked him if it was someone else and he said NO… We didnt speak in a month, so one day I text him and asked him why did he try me..he called me and told me that he went behind my back and met up with his ex bc they never had closure. This woman cheated on him and treated him horrible- (he told me that she knew about me). I was devastated bc i give this guy the best of me and now he treats me like i never existed. he told me that he dated her for six years and he was willing to take the risk. Im so hurt, I want to let go its been about 4 months but I still care for him and miss him. I hate the way I feel. Now he is living his life with his ex. The last thing he texted me was he was happy with his ex and dont contact him. Did this guy ever care for me? or was it a joke bc he moved on so quick. What should I do now b/c my heart is broken. -btw the other day he contacted my sister bf which is his bff and asked him if he thinks that me or my sister will ever talk to him…Why would he ask that after he treated me so bad???.Im so hurt, and I need some advice. btw he lives in a different city from me..but the his ex lives in the same city as him. How to let go?

  37. Rene says:

    Hello,

    My situation is a little different. I have become a mother to one of my exchange students. We have grown a strong bond over the last 2 or so years. He has become a part of our family. He is now in college and has a girlfriend that he wants me to desperately get to know. The last few visits, he has spent a lot of time talking to her on the phone and I feel emotionally hurt by it. I know this is normal for teenagers to talk all the time but I really need to be emotionally detached but at the same time be a mom to him. He would be devastated if I totally cut him off but I am finding it difficult emotionally. I want to be his mom and that is it without the emotions. I get angry when he leaves the room to talk to his girlfriend. I thought I was so over it. I have even talked to him about it and he tries to be discreet. Of course his girlfriend calls him 5 to 6 times a day while he is visiting and I find that very disturbing. Can you offer any suggestions on how to let go but not let go?

  38. Chawn says:

    Hello,

    I have been trying to detach from my ex for over a year now and as you stated there are good days when I am empowered to move on and there are bad days when I feel as if I cant move on because no one will ever make me feel the way that he does. What makes the pain even worse is that even if I wanted to get back with him I couldn’t because he is incarcerated. I have loved him sine I was 14years old and I am now 28. It hurts because I feel that I have been waiting to begin my life (marriage and kids) with him and now that his freedom is uncertain I feel that I wont ever get that chance again. He is my first love and my only love….

  39. Dear Renee,

    I’m so sorry to hear how hard it is for you to detach from your lost love…..one thing to focus on is why you keep breaking up! Obviously something is off kilter with your relationship, otherwise you’d stay together.

    To overcome heartbreak, I encourage you to focus on the reasons for breaking up. That might help you detach.

    If you need more tips, I’ve written about a dozen articles on breaking up and letting go of someone you love! Let me know if you want the links; I can put them here.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  40. Renee says:

    Hi I am finding it sooooooo difficult to detach. I feel like I am going to die. So I never get through the initial detachment because I end up going back. The pain is so unbearable the only way to stop it is if I get back together.
    I dont know if I should be with him or not. All I know is when we split I feel like I am dieing.,

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