You have a great marriage, but your husband isn’t interested in having sex with you. This happens more often than you think – to even the happiest married couples.

Here’s what one reader says:

“We are not intimate at all. There is zero passion. We talk about it, he always listens and says we need to fix it and he’ll do his part…but there is no action to match his words. I told him I need to be fulfilled as a woman and as a partner for me to stay in the marriage. It doesn’t seem to bother him at all. We could have a great marriage except for this one part – the intimacy that will bond us in a deeper way. I have no idea where else to turn. We have gone to counselors together, I have gone alone. At this point, I realize he will never be interested in changing our intimate life, and it is up to me to accept this marriage as it is or to leave. Where can I turn to help me decide what to do?”

The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido – A Couple’s Guide is a very popular book that is worth reading. That’s one place to turn when your husband doesn’t want to have sex and you don’t know what to do.

When Your Husband Isn’t Interested in Having Sex

I don’t know if you have to accept your marriage the way it is, or if your husband and you can find ways to meet in the middle. Some marriages change for the better, while others stagnate for years.

It’s possible that your husband doesn’t realize how important sex is to your marriage, even though you’ve talked about it. He may be listening to you, and loving you the best way he knows how. By the way, this reader also said they’ve been married for six years; she’s 53 and he’s 58. It’s their first marriage, and she didn’t mention kids.

Some men just have very low libidos

In How Do We Fix a Sexless Marriage?, a reader said her husband showed very little interest in her sexually and didn’t care that she cheated on him. Another reader said her husband hasn’t wanted sex in 40 years, since the first time they slept together. Sex disgusted him.

Some men and women could go years – lifetimes, even – without having sex. They couldn’t care less about physical touch and intimacy. It’s possible that your husband just has a very low libido, and it doesn’t match your higher libido.

He may be embarrassed to tell you what he likes

This reader said a little more about her husband (by the way, her comments were on my article about leaving your husband):

“He’s not gay or anything – he’s definitely a workaholic (his excuse is always about being busy). I make very little money, so he says he has to work a lot to make up for this. But he is also my best friend – and I don’t want to hurt him, or leave him partnerless as he approaches his 60s.”

Is it possible that your husband likes sex a certain way, and he doesn’t want to share his desire with you?  He’s embarrassed or even ashamed. This happens more often than you think, and it’s one of the reasons men visit prostitutes. But don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying your husband doesn’t want sex with you because he’s buying it elsewhere!

Remember that lack of desire is the symptom, not the root of the problem

This reader nailed it when she said, “It truly is not about sex (although I crave it), but the fact that he doesn’t seem to care about something so important to me. I don’t want to have an affair, I want to be close to my husband.”

When your husband doesn’t want to have sex, you may feel a variety of emotions. Your self-image may also be affected – and of course your marriage isn’t the same if you’re not having sex with your husband.

If sex isn’t the root of the problem, what is? I don’t know – it depends on the marriage, the man, and the wife. Perhaps there’s an emotional disconnection, communication problems, stress, low libido, physical health issues, mental health issues.

The bottom line is whether or not you’re willing to live with a man who isn’t interested in having sex with you. Some women are perfectly happy without sex, while others need that physical connection. Only you can make this decision.

Talk to a sex therapist and/or your family physician

There’s a difference between a sex therapist and a marriage counselor. The former specializes in sexual intimacy, problems in the bedroom, and possible physical health issues that could be decreasing your husband’s libido.

It may not be an emotional health issue that is causing your husband not to want sex – it may be a physical health problem that is lowering his sex drive. That’s why I suggest talking to your family doctor, and perhaps getting a physical checkup. Your doctor may also be able to refer you to a reputable sex therapist.

There are no easy answers when your husband doesn’t want sex, because it’s connected to his personality, stress level, physiological makeup, health, and lifestyle. Those factors affect his libido – and your marriage.

Check out these tips for improving female libido – they work for men, too: 9 Natural Ways to ReVIVE a Woman’s Sex DRIVE!

The post When Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Sex With You appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

Wives are mean to their husbands, husbands mean to wives, siblings mean to each other…here are a few reasons why we hurt the ones we love so much.

Plus a tip or two on how to stop being mean.

You may recognize yourself in this comment from a reader:

“I’m 22 and have been with my husband for a year and a half. We separated once and I cheated on him once. He is a great guy but he has self-esteem issues. I have no respect for him and I treat him like crap. I hate the person I am in this marriage because it’s not me. I feel as though he has the right to be treated better in a marriage and I have the right to be with someone I truly love and respect. He loves me so much more than I love him and I hate that. I’ve been trying so hard to be a good wife but I keep falling back into the same mindset of negativity, frustration, discontent and overall lack of respect for him. What do I do?” – from Should You Leave Your Husband?

And here’s a quote I don’t really agree with, but it’s about love and marriage so why not:

“If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.” – Alan King.

I disagree because I think marriage requires love of the most noble order. It’s sacrificial love, unselfish love, a service-type of love that out ranks all other types of love. Especially romantic love, which often fades within a year or two.

Okay, enough of that. Let’s focus on why you/we treat the ones you/we love like crap.

Why Are You Mean to the One You Love?

There are many psychological tricks that can help you stop being mean to the one you love (eg, focus on how good it feels to be nice, and how awful it feels to be mean. That will help you be nice more often).

But I don’t think it’ll work to try to be nice to your husband. You’ve found that out, haven’t you? So let’s put the psychological self-manipulations aside and focus on two questions:

1. Why are we mean to the ones we love?

2. How do we stop?

We’re mean because we can be truly ourselves with them

Your husband will love you no matter what, no matter how mean you are to him. He lets you walk all over him…so you walk all over him. He may have self-esteem issues, as you said. Or maybe he just loves you so much he’s willing to put up with all your crap.

The problem is that you don’t respect your husband for letting you get away with being mean to him.

We’re more likely to be mean to the ones we love – as opposed to strangers or acquaintances – because we’re comfortable with them. We can say what we really think to them. I’ve been more cruel to my grandmother, mom, and sister than anyone else on earth because they’re the ones I’m closest to.

But that doesn’t make it right, does it? In fact, it makes it even more wrong.

You’re mean because you’re unhappy

Think about this for a second. Is it possible that you’re mean to your husband because you’re unhappy with your life, your future, your goals, your job? Happy people aren’t mean people.

Your unhappiness with your life, your self, and your husband isn’t his fault. It’s not your fault, either. It just is. It’s reality.

If you think you’re mean to your spouse because you married the wrong person, read How to Cope With Relationship Doubt.

Figure out how to be a peaceful person, and you’ll stop being mean

I can be really condescending to my husband, which is mean. I patronize him sometimes, and talk to him like he’s five years old. It’s awful, and I hate myself for doing it. I’ve been doing it a lot less lately, because I’ve been spending more time with God.

It sounds crazy, but the more time I spend in connection with my God and Creator, the nicer I am to my husband. Actually – that doesn’t sound crazy at all! I feel love, peace, joy, happiness, and even bliss when I connect with God. Those feelings stay with me all day, and I’m automatically nicer to everyone I encounter.

Get to the root of your unhappiness

Have you talked to a counselor about why you’re so mean to the one you love? Maybe you don’t love him – that doesn’t matter. What matters is the fact that this is an issue in YOU, not him. If you divorce your husband, you’ll just wind up being mean to the next guy. You’ll choose someone exactly like him. After all, you chose your husband, didn’t you?

I don’t know if you need marriage counseling, but I think you should talk to someone about your unhappiness. There’s a reason you’re acting the way you are, and it’s not about your husband.

It’s about you.

If you’re not the mean one – if you’re on the receiving end of a cruel spouse – read 5 Reasons Women Stay in Loveless Marriages.

What do you think – does this help you figure out why you’re mean to the one you love?

The post Why Are You Mean to the One You Love? appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

Lisa Bloom, author of Think.

What is the biggest doubt you have about your relationship? Here’s how to cope with the worries, fears, and doubts your relationship brings.

These tips are inspired by smart businesswoman and author, Lisa Bloom.

Here’s what she writes in Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World:

“One of the best things about men is their confidence, their rightness, their ability to go with their gut and produce,” says Rochelle Schieck, founder of Qoya. “I rarely overhear men in cafes talking about how differently they could have or should have done something.”

How often do you doubt your words and actions in your relationship? If you’re plagued with self-doubt, you’re not alone. I’m with you, sista!

Bloom quotes more of Schieck: “One of the most paralyzing things for a woman is her doubt. Do I have the right job? Did I pick the right partner? Are these the right shoes? Did I pick the right place to go on vacation? Doubt is like an anchor that keeps women rooted in murky waters of disapproval.”

What do you doubt about yourself, your relationship, your marriage, your partner, or your love life?

Here’s why you need to cope with the doubts you feel:

“Self-doubt brings fear, such as the fear of failure, of the dark, of being out of control, of not being good enough. We fear loving because we doubt our ability to love and so fear rejection; we fear being generous because we doubt our capacity to generate more and fear we will not have enough; we fear sharing our thoughts or feelings for doubt that we will appear wrong or stupid. Doubt brings mistrust, which appears real, even though it may have no real substance. It arises when the ego is threatened or undermined. Such doubt creates worry, nervous disorders, and even paranoia. It is the enemy of real happiness.” – from Why You Should Never Doubt Yourself.

Do you doubt your ability to love your partner – or his ability to love you? If you don’t feel connected to him, read about emotional disconnection in marriage.

How to Overcome Relationship Doubt

Figure out what you want out of your relationship

Take a few minutes to write down exactly what you want your love relationship to look like, feel like, and be like. What would you do if you weren’t paralyzed by doubt? Would you ask him to marry you, or ask him to go to marriage counseling with you? Would you move in together, or embark on a trial separation? The first step to shaking off your doubts about your relationship is to figure out what you really want.

If you can’t see your doubts and relationship clearly, read How to Detach From Someone You Care About. It’s not about breaking up, it’s about connecting with yourself.

Stay connected to your Creator

What’s your source of love, peace, hope, and self-compassion? For me, it’s God. Jesus. Whatever doubts I have about my marriage, future, work, or life are eased when I take a deep breath and pray.

When was the last time you connected to whatever it is that gives you strength and confidence? You can’t build confidence in your relationship and partner all by yourself – you need to tap into your inner wisdom and light.

You need confidence in something Greater than you. This will improve your confidence in your relationship, and help you deal with the doubts you feel.

Let yourself doubt yourself and your relationship, but take it to your Creator. Let your fears and self-doubts be cleansed with hope and love. Let your confidence grow, and let yourself know that things will work out exactly the way they’re meant to.

Are your relationship doubts and fears caused by your partner’s behaviors? Read Is He Right for You? Signs It’s Time to Let Him Go.

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When was the last time you opened your eyes to your marriage?

If you can’t or aren’t willing to see what’s really going on (or WRONG) with your marriage, then you’ll never get your relationship back on track.

The following marriage tips are inspired by two women: a reader who recently commented on my article about marriages ending, and Sheryl Sandberg.

Here on Quips and Tips during the month of May, I feature quotations from mothers who weren’t well-behaved. Take Sheryl Sandberg, for instance. She’s the COO of Facebook and the author of Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead.

I recently heard Jian Ghomeshi interview Sandberg on Canada’s Q (CBC). She talked about “leaning in” (which is also the title of her book), feminism, guilt, and sitting at the table with men.

One of the things I liked best was when Sheryl Sandberg told Jian that men are honest and comfortable learning on the job. Women, on the other hand, try to build skills before they accept new positions. They aren’t as willing to just jump in and prove themselves (and learn) as they go. It’s about confidence and courage…or a lack thereof.

“Women attribute their success to working hard, luck and help from other people,” says Sandberg. “Men will attribute that same success to their own core skills.”

What do you attribute your success to?

O but I digress! I’m supposed to be writing about how to see what’s wrong with your marriage – not how to run your career and life.

How to See What’s Wrong With Your Marriage

These tips are in direct response to a reader, who is in denial about what is going on in her relationship with her husband.

What is destroying your marriage?

“My husband’s job is going to ruin our marriage,” says my reader. “He travels constantly, three weeks at a time. If you add all the weeks of his traveling due to his job, he is gone approximately 5-6 months out of the year and that makes me very unhappy….He knows how I feel and he doesn’t seem to mind it at all.”  ~ from 7 Signs Your Marriage May Be Over.

I don’t think her husband’s career will ruin their marriage. The problem is her HUSBAND. This wife can’t see what’s really wrong with her marriage because she doesn’t want to admit the truth.

The truth is that her husband doesn’t care – or doesn’t know – how unhappy his wife is. She says he knows how she feels, but we don’t know for sure what he knows. Is he deliberately ignoring how unhappy his wife is? I don’t know.

Have the courage to lean in

I think she and all wives should take a page from Sheryl Sandberg’s book and LEAN IN. To me, this means having the courage and confidence to say what we think about our husband’s behavior, job, comments, and choices. I think I’m a strong woman, but I often find myself hesitating to criticize or say what I really think to my husband. Maybe it’s because I fear he’ll stop loving me, or he’ll leave me.

Are you scared to lean in to your marriage? Read How to Be Yourself in Your Relationship – Self-Identity and Love.

Can you see the truth about what’s wrong with your marriage?

Here’s the rest of my reader’s comment:

“He cheated on me many times, over the Internet, and was thinking about meeting random ladies on dating websites for sex. This was a few years ago, so how am I supposed to trust him when he’s away? He says he isn’t cheating on me and that’s all in the past. But, I still can’t get over it and his business trips drive me crazy. My mind plays tricks on me and I’m just not happy. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore…after 13 years of marriage…I keep waiting and waiting and nothing changes.”

There is so much going on here! Infidelity, lack of trust, selfishness, and lack of motivation to take action. Waiting for your marriage to change won’t work, my friend. The only thing that needs to change is YOU. You need to take action to try to fix what’s wrong with your marriage, or leave your husband.

And that involves leaning in, trusting yourself, and having faith that you ARE strong enough.

Have you leaned in to your marriage? I haven’t explored Sandberg’s thoughts on “leaning in”, but Melissa Lawrence has on What Does Sheryl Sandberg’s “Lean In” Really Mean? It’s a great article, and I firmly believe that Sandberg’s thoughts on women leaning in at work will benefit women in their marriages.

Control what you can in your marriage

Another tip from Sheryl Sandberg:

“My message is not one of blaming women. There’s an awful lot we don’t control, but there is an awful lot we can control and we can do for ourselves, to sit at more tables, raise more hands.”

What can you do for yourself? How can you take action in your marriage and life, to make things better? How can you take your power back?

Here’s a final quip from Sandberg, related to you seeing what’s wrong with your marriage…

“Everyone knows that marriage is the biggest personal decision you make, but it’s the biggest career decision you can make… Partner with the right person because you cannot have a full career and a full life at home with the children if you are also doing all the housework and childcare.”

Have you partnered with the right man? If not, how can you change your marriage and life?

The post How to See What’s Wrong With Your Marriage appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

But first, here’s what Elizabeth Gilbert writes in Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage:

“People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you.”

Another tricky part is seeing the good stuff that’s “always” there…because sometimes all you see are the problems. The irritations. The habits and pet peeves and minor and major disturbances that make you want to run screaming for Saskatchewan.

Accepting your partner’s flaw is easier when…

You are aware of your own quirks, weaknesses, and bad habits. Perhaps the best ways to accept your partner’s flaws is to be aware of and accept your own.

I remember the first time I found out that I sometimes annoy and even enrage my husband. He had to point it out to me, actually (I’m not perfect? I can be irritating and wrong and frustrating?) I was shocked! He doesn’t love and lust after me all the time? Unbelievable.

It’s easier for me to accept my husband’s weaknesses when I remind myself of my own. My problem is that I’m very hard on myself for my mistakes, and this sometimes spills over into my marriage (I’m sometimes hard on Bruce for his mistakes).

Know the difference between his weaknesses, versus abuse or mistreatment

Gilbert mentioned the “crap underneath that can ruin you.” I think it’s important to be aware that there is crap and there is CRAP. Readers write me all the time, confused about their relationships and not knowing if they should leave their husbands. Sometimes it seems obvious that they should (abuse, lying, cheating, neglect, etc). Other times it’s just the normal boredom and frustration of marriage that gets people down.

How do you determine the difference between a “normal” flaw, quirk, or weakness in your husband, or a serious personality or character defect that can destroy your self-esteem or marriage? Thousands of women are married to good men, yet they want a divorce (which is why I wrote You’re Married to a Great Guy – Why Aren’t You Happy?).

Your husband’s flaws and weaknesses are “normal” when they DON’T leave lasting physical or emotional scars on your body and soul. You should accept your husband for who he is when you can tell your friends and family all about his quirks without being ashamed or embarrassed (not that you should or would want to spread around your husband’s flaws! It’s just that when you have to hide or keep secrets about your husband’s actions or words, then there may be a deeper problem).

What’s the secret to acceptance in marriage?

I think it’s about giving up your need to control your husband. Instead of focusing on his flaws and weaknesses, you need to let go of how he “should” be and what he “should” say and do.

Here’s a great tip from Kathleen Doheny, from 7 Marriage Tips to Stay Lucky in Love:

“It’s another one of those easier-said-than done marriage tips, of course. But trying to control each other – using a technique psychologists call “external control” – is the main source of marital unhappiness, according to the Glassers. In a happy marriage, partners know they cannot control each other. You have practiced this “external control” if you have ever told your partner they need to behave the way you want them to or that you know what is right.”

In a happy marriage, not only do you know you can’t control your husband – you don’t want to! You don’t want to create a clone of yourself. You want to love and accept your husband for who he is.

It’s your turn – how do you accept your husband’s flaws and weaknesses?

The post 3 Tips for Accepting Your Husband’s Flaws and Weaknesses appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

What advice do you give your daughter, who is struggling with her husband? (image by h.koppdelaney via flickr)

What advice or help can you give your daughter if she’s struggling with her husband? Here are a few tips for supporting your daughter during a difficult time in her marriage.

Here’s what a mother (and new grandmother!) said about her daughter’s marriage:

“My daughter’s husband has not been interested in her physically since she got pregnant. Even now, after three months after the baby was born, he says he is physically not attracted to her anymore. I want to give her the best advice, however my instinct is to say just pack your bags and leave. I think he is having an affair. He does have a job that seems to have him out of the house a lot. I asked her if he would be willing to do counseling. She does not believe he feels there is a problem. Any suggestions on the type of advice and support I should be giving her?”

It sounds like this mother-daughter team is very close! When your daughter confides in you about the sexual aspects of her marriage, she trusts you a great deal. This is both good and bad. Good, because it shows she respects your opinion and support. But it’s also bad, because you may feel helpless and powerless to “fix” her problems.

How to Support Your Daughter in a Bad Marriage

Listen, listen, listen!

When was the last time someone listened to you for 15 minutes without interjecting? It feels GREAT to just talk without having to defend yourself, answer questions, or listen to others’ opinions. It helps us figure out what we really think and want – and it is amazing to just be heard.

I think one of the best ways to support your daughter during a rough time in her marriage is to just listen to her. Don’t think about what advice to give her, what to say, or what she should do. Just let her talk. Be there for her. Cry when she cries. Laugh when she laughs!

Just be her mom – not her marriage counsellor.

Accept your ignorance

Do you really know what your daughter should do about her marriage? Are you sure you know what’s best for your grandchildren, son-in-law, or the future of their relationships?

Maybe you don’t know as much as you think. Maybe the reason you’re searching for ways to support your daughter in a bad marriage is because you honestly have no idea what she should do. You don’t know if she should leave him, where she should go, or how her kids will react now or in the future.

And that’s okay! It’s not your job as a mother to have all the answers.

You could tell your daughter that you have no idea what she should do, and send her articles like Should You Leave Your Husband? 3 Signs It’s Time. Don’t push her into anything or tell her what to do – just give her things to think about.

Let your daughter be a grown up

Your beloved child chose to marry this man, and is giving you her perspective on her marriage. You don’t know the honest truth about their relationship because you’re only getting her side of things. Even if you were a marriage counsellor, speaking to both of them and hearing both perspectives, you won’t know the actual truth. Marriage is very complicated, and partners bring their own flawed perspectives to the table. They don’t bring the truth – they bring what they believe.

If your daughter asks for your advice, give her two or three options. Don’t say, “I think you should leave that cheating b@stard!” Instead, say, “Well, honey, you could try marriage counselling or a trial separation. What makes the most sense to you?”

Protect your relationship with your daughter

This should probably be my first tip for mothers who want to help their daughters cope with cheating husbands or difficult marriages! I think you should let your daughter work out her marriage problems without your advice because in the long run, you’ll save your mother-daughter relationship. If you push her to leave her husband or share your opinion about her marriage, your words may haunt you in the future. What if she works things out with her husband? She’ll never forget your encouragements to leave him. This will taint your relationship with both your daughter and your son-in-law.

Be Switzerland. You love your daughter and want the best for her; I think the most supportive way to show your love is to give her room to talk and share her feelings. Don’t tell her what to do. Encourage her to find her own way in her marriage.

Here’s another article I wrote for a mom who had a similar question: How Do I Help My Daughter Get Away From a Manipulative Man?

What do you think – how can you support your daughter in a bad marriage?

The post How to Support Your Daughter in a Difficult Marriage appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

Why pray alone, when you can pray as a couple? (image by h.koppdelaney, via flickr).

The power of prayer in marriage is more than “just” a spiritual connection with God! Praying with your partner can change how you see your relationship, and bring you closer together.

Here are a few reasons I love praying with my husband, plus a few tips for praying with your partner.

“Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays.” ~ Søren Kierkegaard.

The power of a praying husband and wife isn’t about making God do what you want or getting everything you want out of life…it’s about changing who you are as a married couple. It’s about adding spirituality to your marriage, which can improve your physical, mental, and emotional health as individuals and as a couple.

To learn more, read Couples Who Pray: The Most Intimate Act Between a Man and a Woman by Squire Rushnell and Louise DuArt.

And here are several reasons to pray with your husband or wife, plus a few tips for praying as a couple…

Why Pray With Your Partner?

I have to admit – the first time Bruce and I prayed together was really weird! I didn’t have the courage to initiate a prayer, but my husband just grabbed my hand, jumped right in, and started praying. This was about two months before we were married…and we’ve been praying every night since.

Praying increases the spiritual connection in your marriage

Praying together brings you closer together. My blog partner Gini might say something about spiritual energy – she might say the power of prayer in marriage meshes your spiritual energy with your spouse’s, and makes you both stronger and more connected. I don’t know exactly how it works, but something definitely happens when you pray with other people, whether it’s your spouse or someone you just met.

Praying increases your knowledge of your husband or wife

I didn’t realize how gentle and caring my husband was until we prayed together. Even now, he’ll pray about something or someone that surprises or even shocks me! Praying together allows me a glimpse into his heart and soul, which I wouldn’t otherwise have.

Praying as a couple softens your heart

When I’m angry at my husband, I refuse to pray with him. This has happened twice in four years of marriage; I can’t be spiritually intimate with my husband when my heart is full of black resentment or bitterness. But, I’ve learned that when we’re just irritated with or “ho hum” about each other, the act of praying together softens ours heart and increases our feelings of love. Praying with your partner can heal your hurts and help you forgive.

Tips for Praying With Your Partner

Say what’s on your heart – and direct your comments to God

Don’t use your prayer time as a couple to vent frustrations, make veiled criticisms, or ask your husband or wife to do something for you. This may sound obvious, but I’ve heard prayers that sound more like lectures or gossip sessions than true communication with God!

Incorporate periods of silence

My husband and I have often talked about staying silent during our prayers, instead of “just” talking to God. But, we’ve never taken the step into truly sitting and listening for God’s word or direction…we’re always the ones doing the talking. Perhaps one day we’ll learn the power of silence in our prayers, but for now, we’re content to pray the way we do.

Pray as regularly as possible

Praying together as a couple is a habit that takes time to develop – and one that is very, very easy to lose. My husband and I have missed as many as four or five nights in a row because of travel, houseguests, periods of illness, etc – and it’s surprisingly difficult to get back into the habit of praying together, even when you’ve experienced firsthand the power of praying with your husband or wife! One of the best ways to build a spiritual marriage is to pray as regularly as possible – no matter how tired, busy, or cranky you are.

Do you pray with your husband or wife – or would you like to? I welcome your thoughts and comments below…

The post How to Pray With Your Partner appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

Taking a solo trip is one of the best ways to increase your confidence in yourself!

Has your marriage destroyed your self-confidence and self-image? Here are a few tips on rebuilding your confidence while keeping your relationship or marriage intact.

Here’s what one reader – a doctor – says about her marriage:

“I don’t feel he respects what I do and I have lost my confidence and sense of self. I had always wanted a family, but I no longer want one. We live in a beautiful home in a beautiful place but I resent having to work in a job I don’t like in order to basically support his dream, because I would have never chosen such an expensive place to live I would have never placed myself in this indentured servitude financial state. I am the type of person who would rather work 3/4 time and enjoy my free time, and he thinks I am lazy for it. He works all the time and often comes home late. We have tried counseling, but it is so expensive, and we felt like we were getting nowhere, and quit. He keeps saying things like “well, we tried our best” but I feel I have done 95% of the trying and he has done 5% – I don’t want a divorce but I also don’t want to be the only one trying anymore and don’t want to continue feeling like this. Any advice would be helpful.”

Is it possible to rebuild your self-confidence and self-image, and stay married to a man who isn’t prioritizing you or his relationship with you? Maybe.

How to Regain Self-Confidence and Stay Married

These tips won’t resonate with all women in all situations, but I think they’re what the reader above needs to hear. This is what I need to tell her, anyway!

Put your relationship second or third on your list of priorities

Many women naturally gravitate towards creating and nurturing relationships; men don’t prioritize their relationships the same way. I think women need to take a page from the men’s books, and put their relationships second or even third on their list of life goals and achievements.

If your marriage is your number one priority, then go for it! Do everything you can to build a happy, healthy relationship. But if your marriage is your first priority, then you can’t complain about how much work and sacrifice goes into it. No matter what your priorities are in life, they take time, energy, and sacrifice.

What should your number one priority be?

Despite the ads I have to put on my blog so I can earn money money so I can respond to readers’ questions, I do not believe your number one priority should be to captivate a man! Unless, of course, you want your whole life to revolve around being married.

Your number one priority is something only you can decided. I believe our first priority should be taking care of ourselves (self-care). If we aren’t happy and healthy, then we will never be able to build healthy, happy relationships and lives.

If your number one priority is, for example, living a full life and working ¾ of the time, then DO IT. Your husband has his priorities; you have yours. You do not need to have matching priorities – you need to learn how to set your own priorities. His opinion matters, but it should not affect your self-confidence or self-image. I know this is easier said than done!

We all need to build our self-confidence and self-image on things that are internal, that are ours, and that can’t be changed by the comments or behaviours of the men in our lives. Christians believe the source of all confidence and esteem is God, because He is unshakeable and constant in His love for us.

What are you prioritizing in your life, and is it building your self-confidence and self-esteem? If you want to stay married, you need to learn how to balance your relationship with your independence.

Figure out what you want out of your life

Where do you want to be in a year, five years, 10 years? In a year I want to be graduating with my MSW and starting a practicum placement overseas somewhere. I want to still be married, and I want my husband to support my decision to leave for three or four months. And I want our dog to be taken care of while I’m gone! That’s a tall order for my husband, which is why I’m starting to talk about it, visualize what it might look like, and plan now. It takes time to create the life you want.

What do you want out of your life? Start thinking about ways to rebuild your self-confidence and self-image, and stay married to your husband.

Stop relying on your partner to increase your self-confidence

I love when my husband tells me I’m smart, beautiful, organized, or amazing. It makes me feel SO good! But I can’t let my self-confidence and self-image come from him. I have to do things that make me feel good about myself – strong, courageous, smart, healthy, happy.

When was the last time you felt GREAT about yourself, outside of your relationship or marriage? Do that thing again, and again, and again.

What do you think – can you regain your confidence and esteem and stay in your current relationship?

For more tips on rebuilding your self-confidence, read Can You Love Him Too Much? How to Love a Man Without Losing Yourself.

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My good husband, who I am happily married to…because we got married when I was 35!

You’re married to a great guy, but you’re not happy and want out of the relationship.

This reader is in the same boat: she doesn’t want to stay married to her husband, even though he’s a good man.

Here’s her comment:

“I want out [of my marriage] and can’t figure out why I can’t just be happy with this great guy. It’s safe and comfortable; he’s my best friend. But at what point is he supposed to move beyond my best friend and be my partner? I’m not sure we’ve ever had that connection that seems so vital to me. He disagrees. It would almost be easier if I had tangible reasons for wanting to leave (abuse, anger, neglect). All I have is saying that it’s just not right and that he doesn’t take care of himself (like with the ED) like I wish he would. I feel like such a failure because I can’t just be happy with what I have.” – on Should You Leave Your Husband? 3 Signs It’s Time to Go.

It’s ironic, because other women have compelling reasons for wanting to leave their husbands – such as the ones you mentioned – and yet they stay. You, on the other hand, have no reason to leave your marriage…and yet you’re gone.

Why Aren’t You Happy Married to a Great Guy?

I’m not a counsellor, and my thoughts are simply that: my thoughts. I’m just throwing around a few ideas to consider…

Explore your disconnection to your husband

I had a very difficult childhood and no parental support, like you. In fact, I was in foster homes for much of my childhood, and was very disconnected from my family, friends, and even myself. I learned how to be comfortable and even happy with disconnection. Connection makes me uncomfortable and even scared; disconnection is familiar.

And I, too, married a good man! Like your husband, he’s loyal, honest, and supportive. Most of the time, I allow myself to connect with him…but I regularly find myself pulling away from him and hiding my thoughts, emotions, and opinions. I disconnect.

If you’re married to a great guy but you want out of the relationship, you might want to explore what it is in you that wants to disconnect. Forget about him. What is it in you that makes you struggle to stay married?

I’m not saying your unhappiness is your fault…or am I? No, I’m saying that it’s good to look within yourself for answers. The reason you’re not happy married to a great guy is somewhere inside you.

Get individual counseling – not marriage therapy (yet)

At this point, I encourage you to get counselling on your own. I was in counselling for a year before I got married, because I knew I couldn’t stay married unless I figured out a few things about myself.

You are a smart, insightful, strong woman. You’ve already figured out why you married him…but have you explored why you don’t want to stay married?

It’s not about him. You are pulling away from him because of you. Counselling will help you figure out what in you is disconnecting from your husband. After you get some insight into yourself, then try marriage counselling (or do both at once – but that’s an emotional boulder on your shoulders! One at a time might be easier to handle).

Here are a few tips on finding a good counsellor.

You might also be interested in 4 Signs Marriage Counseling Will Help an Unhappy Relationship.

Keep your options open

I’m not suggesting counselling so that you stay married. Keep an open mind about whether you’ll stay with or leave your husband. Stay separated, find a counsellor you connect with, start working on yourself, and keep your options option. Maybe you’ll stay married, or maybe you’ll always be friends with him – after all, good men are hard to find!

I didn’t get married until I was 35 years old, partly because I knew I wasn’t ready to stay married to any man, good or bad. I am so grateful I waited – and that the right man waited for me! Timing is as much a predictor of a happy marriage than who you marry. Marriage is hard at the best of times – if you’re not ready to marry, you’re fighting an uphill battle.

Another predictor of a happy marriage is how healthy you (and your partner) are emotionally and spiritually. It’s never too late to do a little digging into your own psyche, and learn why you do what you do. Everything we do has a reason…and I think the healthiest people are those who have some ideas about their motivations.

Another thought to consider is self-sabotage. Are you setting yourself up to fail? I don’t know, but here are a few tips on how to stop sabotaging yourself.

What do you think – why wouldn’t a woman want to stay married to a good man?

The post You’re Married to a Great Guy – Why Aren’t You Happy? appeared first on Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships.

If your husband constantly criticizes you, start looking for a way out.

Nothing in your wedding vows gives your husband permission to put you down, constantly criticize you, and treat you like dirt.

A reader says her husband constantly tells her he’s more educated, smarter, and has a better family. He screams at her in public, criticizes her in front of her  children, and uses bad language.

She says:

“Every day he finds something he’s not happy about with me.  When I go to the gym and try to look my best it makes him very unhappy. I think my kids do not respect me. They talk back, do whatever they want especially in public places. I’m AFRAID it will get worse. He screams at them and calls them stupid, idiot or a loser.  It’s impossible to make him a loving and caring father. I have to force him to do things like read a night time story once in a while. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 7 years. I used to work, I used to go to school and I miss my independence. My only hope things will change when I go back to work and I start to bring home a paycheck. Is it possible that a paycheck can return his respect for me? Or should I get smart, find a job and start a new life?”

I think she already knows the answer to her question, but she’s scared. And that’s understandable! Leaving your husband – even if he constantly puts you down – is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Especially if you have kids, and you haven’t been in the workforce for years.

When Your Husband Constantly Puts You Down…

Don’t expect him to change

Getting a job that nets you a paycheck probably won’t change your husband…but it will change you. If you find a job that allows you to tap into your strengths and skills, you may find a glimmer of who you were before he started attacking you.

And, a job will help you get money to leave your husband. Often, finances are the biggest obstacle to leaving a marriage. That…and fear. Maybe fear’s bigger because it’s possible to leave a man when you have nothing. You stay with family, friends, or even in a shelter. There are ways to walk away, if you’re willing to start from scratch. It’s painful and hard, but in the long run it’s better than staying where you are.

Back to the question: I sincerely doubt your husband won’t suddenly start to respect you once you go to work. In fact, the reverse may happen: he may be just as threatened by you working as he is by you going to the gym and looking your best! He is insecure, afraid, and angry.

I don’t what made your husband who he is, but you getting a job won’t undo his insecurities, fears, and anger.

Connect with who you are

If your husband constantly puts you down, you’ve lost who you are as a woman. You’ve forgotten how strong, resilient, healthy, and smart you are! You have lost touch with your inner self.

And it’s not all your husband’s fault. You’ve allowed him to chip away at your self-esteem, and you’re continuing to give him power.

The beauty of accepting some of the responsibility for your marriage is that it gives you the power to get back on track. I think a good place to start is to find your self-identity and reconnect with yourself.

Once you reconnect with who you are – the most beautiful, strong, healthy parts of YOU – you will find the courage to figure out what you need to do when your husband constantly puts you down.

What will your first step be? 

For more thoughts on difficult relationships, read Is Your Marriage Normal? 5 Signs You’re Expecting Too Much.

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