Apr 162012
 

boyfriend lyingYou have a feeling your boyfriend is telling lies, yet he insists he’s being honest. Here’s how to find out the truth and if you can trust him.

These tips are inspired by a reader’s comment on my article about cheating:

“My boyfriend went to a destination wedding with his family and there are photos of him consistently with an attractive blonde woman,” says Sue on Is He Cheating? 4 Ways to Tell if He’s Lying. “In the pictures they appear in close proximity (sitting beside each other at the bar, on excursions, at lunch, walking along beach). He tells me she is a stranger. When questioned he gets defensive. (I am persistent, so I may be the cause of this). He tells me I am imagining things. Subtle hints have emerged from his family, such as the son saw her coming out of the hotel room. My boyfriend claims his son was drunk. I asked him about the pictures, and he said she was alone and he probable felt bad and chatted with her. The pictures made it look like they were a couple. Lies bother me, the truth would be so much easier to deal with…how do I get the truth from my boyfriend?”

If you want to read your boyfriend like a book, take look at You Can’t Lie to Me: The Revolutionary Program to Supercharge Your Inner Lie Detector and Get to the Truth. It’s by Janine Driver, a world-renowned body language expert. You’ll get tips on nonverbal and verbal communication that will help you weed out the liars from the truth-tellers.





But, as I explain below, not all body language experts agree that we can spot a liar.

Is Your Boyfriend Lying?

Another way to phrase it: can you trust your boyfriend? I wish I had a few easy tips that will help you discover the truth, but I don’t. I can, however, give you some things to think about…

Ask yourself why you don’t trust your boyfriend

Sue said she is “persistent” in asking about her boyfriend’s trip and whether or not he’s telling the truth about the other woman. Her self-awareness is good – because sometimes we do create situations that aren’t actually true. Our minds are incredibly powerful and convincing, and humans have been known to believe things that simply aren’t based in reality.

Here’s a recent example from my last vacation with my husband: we went to Jamaica with a huge group of people. One woman was single – an attractive, fit, smart, fun woman whom my husband likes. Whenever they interacted, I felt jealous – even though all the did was talk a few times! They didn’t dance, go for coffee, or even play beach volleyball together.

My own insecurities were leading me to think he likes this woman, and vice versa. My jealousy and suspicion had nothing to do with reality. I had the same problem with my ex-boyfriend – I thought he was telling me lies and I didn’t trust him.

Are you like me — sorta prone to insecurity, jealous, suspicion? Have you accused past boyfriends of telling lies? One way to find out the truth is to look inward.

Get an objective perspective on the situation

Relationship Help

Do you regret the break up? Get Your Ex Back

Want to stop the separation or divorce? Save Your Marriage

Wondering how to make a man fall in love with you? Captivate Him So He'll Never Want to Leave

What makes you think your boyfriend is telling lies? If you have pictures that may or may not be incriminating, then show them to a trusted, objective friend or family member. If you saw your boyfriend do something that makes you uncomfortable, then describe it to someone you trust. You may think you’re seeing signs your boyfriend is having an affair, but you could be wrong. Maybe you just need an external “reality check.”

Do you have a gut feeling that your boyfriend isn’t telling you the truth? Marriage counselor Gary Neuman says, “A woman’s gut is the most important indicator that a man is cheating.” He is the author of The Truth about Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It.

If your gut is telling you not to trust your boyfriend, then I think you need to pay close attention. But if your own insecurities and jealousies are misleading you, then you need do some internal soul-searching before confronting your boyfriend.

Believe your boyfriend’s body language – it’s telling you the truth

If your boyfriend says, “I’m telling you the truth, I’d never lie to you!” while pointing his belly button away from you or towards the door, then he’s probably lying. If he fidgets or pulls his earlobes while professing “the truth”, he could be lying.

“A self-touch gesture, what other experts may refer to as manipulators, pacifiers, or adapters, is a common movement we make when one part of our body touches another part, usually to soothe ourselves during situations of high mental stress,” writes body language expert Janine Driver in You Say More Than You Think. “It’s a way to tell ourselves, “I’ll get through this” or “I’ll be OK.””

But, other nonverbal communication experts say that it’s very difficult to tell if someone isn’t telling you the truth:

“As the best researchers can tell, and in my own experience as an FBI Special Agent (now retired), detecting deception is very difficult,” writes Joe Navarro in The Truth About Lie Detection. “Every study conducted since 1986, when the famed researcher Paul Ekman first wrote about this, has demonstrated that humans are no better than chance at detecting deception…That means that if you toss a coin in the air you will be as likely to detect deception as the truth. And while it is true that a very few people are better at detecting deception than others, they are barely above chance.”

Is he telling you lies? Can you trust him? The bottom line

This leads me to believe that trying to read your boyfriend’s gestures and words is NOT the most effective way to find out the truth. It’s easy to manipulate your body language so it looks like you’re being honest, especially if you’re a practiced liar.

Unfortunately, this brings us back to Sue’s question: “How do I find out the truth from my boyfriend?” Even more unfortunately, there are no easy answers.

And I can’t tell her what she should do – whether or not she should trust him. All I can do is encourage her – and you – to make sure you’re emotionally healthy (not prone to suspicions or insecure jealousy), tune in to your gut instincts, and be brave enough to be honest with yourself.

Fix Your Marriage

What do you think – can you trust a boyfriend who you think is telling you lies? Or is the fact that you think he’s lying enough to break up with him?

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Christian, bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer, blogger, warrior princess. :-) My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

What's happening in your life? I welcome your big and little comments below! I can't give you advice, but writing might bring you clarity and insight.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

In peace and passion...Laurie

  3 Responses to “Is Your Boyfriend Lying? How to Find Out the Truth”

  1. Thanks for your comments! I’m glad you’re here, and hope these tips help you figure out if your boyfriend is a liar.

    If you suspect he’s lying, he probably is…

  2. My ex and I broke up two months ago. I regretted breaking up with him and apologized a few days after the breakup because he lied to me. I wish I had a way to tell if he’s lying again. Thank you for your relationship tips, they help alot.

  3. Nope, he has lied too many times. My husband has grabbed a womans but and spanked her. Wrote somethin explicitly sexual to a woman on FB and asked her for her number. They spoke, that is all I got from him and that is because I got in the FB. He also breaks up with me and then hunts women like crazy. He said that he will have sex with a woman and then tell me and make sure I find out so I will stop loving him.

    Drugs can make a man crazy… Drugs and bipolar will make a man insane… and I would be a masochist to be with this guy.

    He left yesterday, yay after I asked him if this as working since we have been fighting a lot. We were going to Christian counseling, he was clean, but his temper was still there. I lost job due to his drug addiction. It was a very physically demanding job and I would not sleep due to his lying and sneaking in and out all night. I went to work very tired and after 3 days of that I had to go.

    I pray that I get this job that I applied for and I hope he is gone for good. I hope I am strong enough. This is the 4th time we lose a home and money due to his addiction or his impulsive behavior towards women.

    He wanted to change, but God was not first in his life. I cannot help him, only He can.

    I pray for all the people who read this website and that we all find healing in Jesus Christ. God Bless.

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