If you can’t get over the break up, you won’t move on. If you don’t move on, you’ll never be happy. These tips for getting over the break up are based on life coach Martha Beck’s tips on being willing to suffer.
“Your dreams are for your joy; even if they lie crushed on the ground, you need not make them responsible for misery,” writes Beck in Enjoyment is in The Waiting…Insight from Martha. “If you raise your eyes from the shards you’ll find more dreams all around, and many of them can come true.”
What dreams are you unable to see because you’re focused on the dream you just lost? If you can’t get over the break up, you need to see what other dreams are lying around, waiting for you to pick them up.
Martha Beck is one of my favorite authors – and Finding Your Way in a Wild New World: Reclaim Your True Nature to Create the Life You Want is one of my favorite books. If you’re trying to get over a break up and you want to move through the pain, you need to focus on living in a whole new way.
And here’s what Beck says about being willing to suffer so you can love again…
You’re Not Alone If You Can’t Get Over the Break Up
Here’s what readers say – and how you may feel:
“I just can’t move on and I am unable to get romantically involved with someone else. I am not interested in anything. I can’t study, work, or have fun with my friends. I have just lost interest in life itself.”
“I obsess about my ex and I’m still hurting. I can’t move on. What is wrong with me?”
“I have known this man for many years. All he does is lie to me and treat me like a booty call. But I love him so much. He is now seeing some new chick. My self-esteem is shot. I hate myself. What can I do to get us back together?”
These comments are from my article about obsessing about your ex.
How to Overcome a Break Up
“What happens when we’re willing to feel bad is that, sure enough, we often feel bad—but without the stress of futile avoidance,” says Beck. “Emotional discomfort, when accepted, rises, crests, and falls in a series of waves. Each wave washes parts of us away and deposits treasures we never imagined. No one would call it easy, but the rhythm of emotional pain that we learn to tolerate is natural, constructive, and expansive. It’s different from unwilling suffering the way the sting of disinfectant is different from the sting of decay; the pain leaves you healthier than it found you.”
Be willing to feel bad – accept emotional discomfort
To get over the break up, you need to accept the pain. This isn’t the same as hating yourself, thinking you’ll never be able to love again, or wondering what’s wrong with you. Accepting the pain of the break up means sitting with your loss. Grieving, mourning, and letting the pain wash over you.
There’s something about accepting your pain – about walking through it instead of around it – that heals you. And when you start to heal, you can start to move on.
Start thinking about your choices
“Once we’re willing to confront our emotional suffering, we begin making choices based on attraction instead of aversion, love instead of fear,” says Beck. “Where we used to think about what was “safe,” we now become interested in doing what seems right or fun or meaningful or ripe with possibilities. Ask yourself this: What would I do if I stopped trying to avoid emotional pain? Think of at least three answers (though 30 would be great and 300 even better).”
Write down three things that you would do if you weren’t scared, lonely, sad, heartbroken, or consumed with self-pity. If you can’t get over a break up, this may help you start to see beyond the pain of your break up.
Choose to follow your next dream
“Find a place in your life where you’re practicing experiential avoidance, an absence where you wish there were something wonderful,” writes Beck. “Then commit to the process of getting it, including any inherent anxiety or sadness. Get on an airplane not because you’re convinced it won’t crash, but because meeting your baby niece is worth a few hours of terror. Sit on the beach with your mocha latte, humming the song you shared with your ex, and let grief wash through you until your memories are more sweet than bitter. Pursue your dreams not because you’re immune to heartbreak but because your real life, your whole life, is worth getting your heart broken a few thousand times.”
It won’t be easy to get over the break up and start living out your dreams, but it’s FAR better than being consumed by misery!
What dreams will you pursue, now that the dream of this relationship is broken? Who do you want to be, where do you want to go, and what does it mean to you?
How to Let Go of Someone You Love is one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips for Achieving Your Goals. Read through the readers’ comments – it may help you get over your break up.
Dear Daniel,
I wrote this for you:
How Do I Overcome Depression After a Break Up?
I hope it helps. Remember that getting over a break up and healing from heartache takes time — you can’t rush it! You need to give yourself time to mourn.
At work, it may help to set aside specific times for feeling sad about the break up. For example, take 10 minutes every couple of hours to sit and grieve. Focus on your work the rest of the time; every time your mind wanders back to the break up, tell yourself that you’ll grieve and think about it during that 10 minute period.
I hope this helps, and wish you all the best as you heal from your heartache.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Guys
I was recently dumped by my (ex) girlfriend, around three weeks back.
the relationship was kinda tough since the last three months as she was having mood swings,nervous break downs and indecisiveness . She told me around two months ago that she was not feeling sexually attracted to me any more, but she assured me that she will be back to normal in some time. I was also going through a lot of stress in my professional side, but i loved her a lot and i want this relationship to be. But she was constantly telling me that i wasn’t understanding her, when her friends (male and female) understood her much better and easier and she often called them to share her feelings and trouble. I was always there for her, even pushing my limits to the extreme to be supportive. we were in different cities so meeting often was tough and to add to that we had to be careful that her folks doesnt come to know of this. Every conversation would end up in a fight, because of her constant bickering, though i tried my level best to stay calm, but some times even i lost it with her, but in moments i used calm down and apologize, It came to a stage where i dint know ,what and how to talk to her, she had a problem with that too, and started telling me i was being too normal and i am not being myself. In reality i loved her so much, that i dint want to fight or rub her the wrong way, so i was confused , how to go about it. and three weeks before we were talking over the phone for hours and at the end she said “lets break up” i dint want it but i had nothing to say. I nosedived in a a state of depression immedeatly. I called her up after three days and she spoke to me, but in a very stern way, saying that no more lovey dovey talks and she is already out of it, cos she had suffered a lot earlier in the relationship and she had cried a lot already. She called me for help the next day and immedeatly obliged, did all the stuff she wanted and mailed it to her. She send me a cold thank you. weeks later i met up with her and i told her about all the miseries i was going through on my professional front and since she was in a state o fdepression i hid it from her, so that it doesnt trouble her more. She was very cold and straight away told me that, if i am expecting anything romantic from her, it was a no. She urged me to move and told me that she had moved on. I found out that, she was meeting some guy for lunch that day.she refused to tell me who it was and also refused my offer to be dropped there. Since then she hasnt called and even i havEnt tried to contact her. I want to get out of this misery as soon as possible, but it is traumatic, and not once in thsi relationship i had cheated or lied to her and had done everything she wanted me to. Now i really fel let down, hurt and depressed. My folk and freinds are worried about me, but they are trying to cheer me up. I am fighting in my professional scene to stay afloat and i am findign it tough to cope up..Pls help..