Jul 302010
 
can you save your marriage

Save your marriage – and dance again. (image by rafeejewell via flickr)

Can you save your marriage? It depends. These signs a relationship can be saved will help you see your spouse and your marriage with more insight and objectivity.

“When there is an unnecessary divorce, there has usually been a failure of leadership in the couple,” writes marriage and family therapist William Doherty in Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart. He encourages couples to stop arguing about who is more at fault, and start finding ways to save a troubled marriage.

Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart is one of the best books I’ve ever read on marriage – I practically highlighted the whole thing! If your marriage is in trouble and you’re not ready for couples counseling, you have to read this book.

Here are Doherty’s nine signs your marriage isn’t over…

9 Signs You Can Save Your Marriage

“Studies in the United States and Australia have shown that 40% or more of divorced people regret their divorce,” writes Doherty in Take Back Your Marriage. “The great majority of divorced people believe that one or the other of them could have worked much harder to save the marriage.”

Don’t jump into an unnecessary divorce – even if your spouse cheated on you! In fact, marriage coach Mort Fertel says a cheating spouse can become the best reason to stay married. “[After a husband has cheated], given all he’s been through and learned, what are the chances that he’ll cheat again?” says Fertel. “If his wife gives him another chance, what’s the likelihood that he’d make the same mistake that almost caused him to lose his family? In my opinion, it’s dramatically less than 50%. In fact, I think it’s slim to none.”

Even if your spouse cheated on you, you can not only save your marriage…you can build a better one.

Here are Doherty’s nine signs a marriage can be saved…

1. You wonder if you ever loved your spouse – yet your friends and family say you were crazy about each other when you got married. Love was the genuine foundation of your marriage.

2. You say your spouse doesn’t spend enough time with you – yet you’re busy almost every night of the week. You’re involved in volunteering, socializing with friends, child-raising, and work.

3. You dwell on your spouse’s faults – but if asked to describe him, you use words like “kind”, “caring” or “responsible.” In fact, recent research shows that using positive words to describe your spouse indicates a healthy marriage that will survive the long haul.

4. You complain about your spouse to family and friends – but if they say you can’t save your marriage and should think about divorce, you’re hurt and surprised.

5. You say you don’t want to fix your relationship – but you cancel or don’t make appointments to talk to a divorce lawyer.

6. You say your spouse isn’t helping to fix your relationship – and you ignore the fact that he’s a good parent. You rule out the possibility that a good parent can learn to be a good spouse – and you can save your marriage together.

7. You say you want more emotional connection – but you refuse to be honest about how you feel. You say you want to save your marriage, but you don’t take the necessary steps.

8. You feel like you can’t do anything to fix your relationship – but you ignore your spouse’s attempts to reconnect or make your marriage better.

9. You know you won’t be able to explain why you ended the marriage to your kids – and you aren’t certain the pain you’re in now will justify the pain they’ll be in if you end your marriage.

“If more than three of those statements describe you, drop everything and make a commitment right now to put off any decision or actions to dissolve your marriage until you get real help,” writes Doherty in Take Back Your Marriage. “Real help” may mean couples counseling, a marriage workshop, or even just reading books on how to save your relationship.

What do you think – can your marriage be saved?


Fix Your Marriage

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen (but I wish my name was Rosie Frost!). I'm a bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer. My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher, Mr Merritt, always used to ask me that. And I am happy - despite a difficult childhood (schizophrenic mother, no father, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian.

How is your life unfolding - what do you need? I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion.... Laurie

  7 Responses to “9 Signs You Can Save Your Marriage”

  1. The only way you can save your marriage is if both you and your spouse are willing. If your partner doesn’t care, then it’s impossible for you to rebuild your relationship alone.

    Or, if your partner doesn’t want to save your marriage, you can just accept your relationship the way it is.

  2. Marriage is one of the most beautiful things God has given us. If your marriage isn’t a happy one, nothing else in your life is happy, either.

  3. Thanks, my marriage has gone through a rought ime recently, but you have given me some ideas to help to work through our problems together.

  4. I don’t respect or trust my man. I did on the beginning but no more. My desire for him is almost totally gone. My kids like him a lot and so does my family and I really don’t want to cause turmoil for anybody. But as time goes NY I like him less and less. I feel like chest a fake. Like he’s a perv in disguise. Trying his hardest to hide so much. I no longer care to find out his deal I just want it to end. With no waves.

  5. Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them!

  6. There are some very good points here for people who need to take steps to save a marriage. This is good advice that will comfort people who may be on the verge of divorce hoping to find some answers.

  7. I love all of your websites. You give such good advice. So many of your articles have helpedme.

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