If it wasn’t for your boyfriend’s family, your relationship would be perfect! Well, really really good, anyway.
Here are a few ways to cope with your boyfriend’s family – whether they’re just annoying or truly toxic.
“My boyfriend’s mother controls everything he does, and he does exactly what she says,” says Olerato. “His sisters and brothers are also controlling him, and he just sits back and follows orders. This has put a huge strain on our relationship and he doesn’t listen to how I feel, no matter how many times I tell him. We are now spending our time together discussing how we will get through the family issues, rather than focusing on us and having quality time. I just want to get out of the relationship, but I love him so much. It hurts to think I might have to leave him because of his family.”
The first thing to remember is that your boyfriend’s family is loving him their way. Your boyfriend is trying to love you his way – and you’re trying to love him your way! Love is the bottom line, but it’s getting in the way of a healthy romantic relationship.
Learn how your childhood (and your boyfriend’s childhood and family) affects your relationships. How We Love: Discover Your Love Style is a fantastic book about families, intimacy, and love – it explains how early life experiences affect your current relationships. Knowing why you are the way you are – and why your boyfriend is the way he is – can help you reconnect…or let go.
When Your Boyfriend’s Family is Ruining Your Relationship
“Families aren’t easy to join. They’re like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.” ~ Erma Bombeck, Family: The Ties that Bind … And Gag!
Accept that you can’t change your boyfriend’s family
If you’ve ever tried to break a habit or change something about yourself, you know how freakishly difficult it is. There are things about me that I desperately want to change – I want to lighten up, be more accepting of myself, be less critical of my husband, and say what I think more often instead of clamming up. I really really want to make these changes in my life, yet I keep reverting to my old ways.
How about you – what have you wanted to change about yourself? Do you make those changes? I bet it was hard.
It’s that hard for you to change yourself…and it’s a gazillion times harder for you to change your boyfriend’s family. They like things the way they are, thank you very much, and there’s no reason to change. His family may not be aware they’re ruining your boyfriend’s relationship with you – or maybe they just don’t care.
Accept that you can’t change your boyfriend
If your boyfriend hasn’t changed his behavior or perspective on his family yet, then he probably won’t in the future – no matter how much you argue, beg, threaten, or sweet talk. Men who are controlled by their families don’t cut the ties overnight – some don’t cut the ties ever. For whatever reason, he is under their thumb…and there’s not much you can do about that.
If you told your boyfriend that his family is ruining your relationship and he doesn’t seem to care, then you’re fighting an uphill battle. Maybe you’re in an unhealthy relationship? If you’re not sure, here are a few warning signs of bad relationships.
That said, however, here are a couple tips for stopping your boyfriend’s family from ruining your relationship…
Try “I statements”
Instead of focusing on how interfering, controlling, and downright nasty your boyfriend’s family is, try explaining how you feel to your boyfriend. I’ve learned that “I statements” come in pretty handy in any relationship – marriage, work, and even my neighbors!
“Because I-Statements require healthy self-disclosure, and self-disclosure requires vulnerability, they de-fuse rather than fuel arguments. It’s very difficult to carry on an argument when both people are using I-Statements; it’s very difficult to stop an argument when both people are using You-Statements. It’s also very difficult to blame others when we’re using I-Statements. They force us to take responsibility for what we’re thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment.” From I-Statements, on the Human Potential Center’s website.
Examples of I-Statements in love relationships:
- I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am.
- I love you, and want our relationship to be strong and healthy.
- I want to learn how to make our relationship better. Can we read books or go to workshops on relationship-building together?
Notice the lack of “you love your family more than me!” and “you’re wrong for putting your family first”? Lead with an honest statement that reflects how you really feel. Even if it doesn’t work, I can guarantee it’ll help you clarify your own feelings and thoughts about your relationship with your boyfriend. Be specific and clear about how you feel, without blaming your boyfriend or his family.
What about your family members – do they have anything to say about your boyfriend and his family? Read When to Take Your Family’s Advice About Your Relationship.
Love your boyfriend – and his family – for who they are
Some of my husband’s family members aren’t exactly my cup of tea…we’re very different, and we don’t really get each other. For that matter, some of my own family members aren’t my cup of tea! But none of our family members are trying to ruin our relationship.
To stop your boyfriend’s family from breaking you up, you need to get an objective perspective on what’s going on underneath all the drama. That’s why it’s so helpful to read books like How We Love: Discover Your Love Style. Then, you need to figure out if you can do anything to change the situation. If you can, then great! Start moving forward. If you can’t, then you need to decide if you want to love your boyfriend the way he right now – family and all – or if you need to break up with him before his family ruins your relationship.
For tips on dealing with family members, read Coping With Controlling Parents? 5 Ways to Take Your Life Back.
If you know in your heart it's time to move on, read How to Let Go of Someone You Love.
Is your boyfriend’s family trying to break you up – or ruin your relationship? Comments welcome below…
Thanks Laurie for posting your response. It is so true. How does a man think he will hold onto such a dysfunctional relationship? Maybe they don’t think ? I spent 18 years single after a divorce & learned a lot. Mostly about survival. Financial, emotional, physical. A woman can’t change a man. I have sat & waited for dates, that stood me up. Married a man in the 70′s that left me in the 80′s. In fact two weeks before Christmas . He broke my sons hearts that year, they were 12 & 16. We did survive & quite well without him. In those years I came to see that he was not contributing to our family, in any way. Now maybe this is another round of similar happenings ? We can only change ourselves & our choices. I choose to not be hurt , blamed, or held back by a man.
Dear Weeser1,
Your husband’s daughter is really doing a number on you and your marriage! I agree, it’s especially difficult when you dislike confrontation. And, making a spouse “choose” between his child and his wife is awkward.
The worst part is when the men don’t stand by the women they chose to be with.
Iam married to a man with daughter issues. Actually , he has three grown kids in their 30′s. I have two sons 37, 41. We have been married 6 1/2 years. It is similar to Michelle’s situation. His daughter is allowed to call me dog & tell lies behind my back, then come to my house to get my trailer to haul junk, which I wasn’t asked about. Also I prefer her to stay away. I believe it’s called use and really is a form of disrespect & abuse. If a woman dislikes confrontation it makes it even harder to deal with. In my case, it’s only gotten worse. A man is showing his true side and lack of loyalty. Also that you can’t count on him.
Jess, thanks for the book recommendation and your tips! Good advice, that we should stop thinking we can change men…or their family members.
Either we accept them for who they are, or cut them loose. Or a third option: change our response to them.
I hightly recommend the book, “When He’s Married To Mom,” by Kenneth Adams and Alexander Morgan. I am in the process of healing from a breakup from my fourth mother-enmeshed man. Before I read this book, I had a lot of confusion and pain. I now have no problem recognizing when this problem exists, how to handle it, and (with the help of my therapist) saying that I’m not comfortable when I am not a priority.
The biggest mistake I made was thinking I could change these men. You can’t! Unless they admit they have a problem and seek therapy they will destroy every relationship they are in…ESPECIALLY the good ones!
Thanks for your comments! I’m sorry I missed them, except for Cindy’s (I’m glad you were here, Cindy, because your comments brought this article to the surface).
I think you’re right, about the acceptance of your friend’s boyfriend’s family. Sometimes all you can do is just live with who they are, because you can’t change them!
If you want to be happy, you have to remember that the only person you can change is you.
Sam’s story is real. Abandonment is legitamite frustration.
Because they saw your strength and determination. Rejection may be
their way of challenging you!
A moto says .. “except, change, or eliminate”.
Just remember, being alone is the price
for finding greener grass!
My friend is in the same boat. Her partner’s family members
live on the couch with no contribution. She cooks for the group, has requested assistance with doing dishes from the homeless siblings with no avail. Her family is very large and tightly blocks her out for the many years she has stayed
humble and honorable and submissive to their structure.
Though financially care for by the family, she is sad and
hurt by the lack of personal communication and consideration. I am her friend. I understand there is not
much to do to but acceptance sometimes.
Im in a slightly different but none the less simular situtaion..
Ive been with my boyfriend for 2 years, hes amazing and everything i want but.. sometimes i feel like we just dont get one another.
For the first year of our relationship we lived in a little island and we were very up and down because he was so strongly influenced by his father (he had moved to the island to be reunited with his dad).. not knowing my father either i understood. His father isn’t a good a man, but i decided to keep my mouth shut alot of the time as i thought it was best to let him figure it out himself.
But then when i moved location to attend uni his behaviour got worst. Like not calling me from friday to sunday night, id question wether he loved me and eventually split up with him. it broke my heart but we were being horriable to each other due to the long distance and lack of communication on his part. He then moved location to be closer to me and spent months winning me back! i caved in and we’ve been so happy ever since! buuut when he moved..he moved back to his mothers house.
which i thought was cool, she seemed really nice and she lived an hours drive from me.
Now the problem is- when he first moved back, he said after a year of living with his mum he’d move in with me.. which i excitidly agreed with..
Ever since hes moved back hes struggled to get a job in his proffession near where his mum lives,(its a crappy dead end area tbh) ive suggested he looks round where i live and why not move in now? as we’d get to see each other more oftern than just on the weekends for a day or two.
He to begin with use to say “ive only just got back.. let me have more time” which was ok.
its now been 9mnths 4 of which have been spent working.
hes jobless again and now flat out refuses to move in with me!!
i feel like its got something to do with his mother; she gives him money, cooks him dinner, iron and packs his weekend bag for when he stays at mine, she treats him like a prince as she hadnt had him around for 3years.
I totally understand that she loves him and wants him around.. but hes 27!!!!
she needs to let go and accept he needs a life too!
shes told me a few times that i need to get it into my head that hes never going to move for me.
and shes even asked me what she can do to keep him there!! wtf!!!!
she says she’ll be lost without him..
he drinks every day and is usually hammered by 5pm
he sleeps on the couch coz there isnt a bed for him.
He always comes to mine with some family drama on his soliders, which i have to deal with.
he knows shes selfish and has even called her a gold digger, shes been married 3 times and her current partner pays for everything! she hasnt worked for 6years. her partner cant even afford to take time off work coz of her spending.
I dont know what to do!?
He says he’d like to get a house near his family once i graduate, which scares me so much.
i just feel theres more to life than settling for that straight away… we have the rest of our lives to live near his family.. why do it when im 23 and hes 27?
am i the bad person in this?
so confusing!
any comments would be much appricated!
I don’t know if this is just me being crazy or what but I’m upset first of all I was unemployed for about six months I had no car so I pretty much had to sit at home with nothing to do all day I was upset n lonely for obvious reasons anyways thie whole six months I cried begged got angry over and did anything I could to tell my boyfriend how alone I was and he would come up with some excuse or he’d be like you need to get a hobby instead he would go to his house that his sister lives in and hang out with her while I was at home crying we would make plans I hung out with him two days a week then I finally got a job now I work 5 days a week and not long ago his sister lost her job one weekend we had plans to go to Hardrock and I just wanted to spend time with just us but he decided to bring his dad n he said his mom would pick him up on her way home and I was like ok fine whatever then he’s like should I invite my sister too i feel bad n don’t know what to say bc she’s home alone and has nothing to do ?? Uhh well wasn’t I alone for 6 months ?? And he never gave a damn we’d had to hang out with her on my two days off so we never had any alone time for like 4 months I told him how I felt and I don’t even think he ever even apologized he never likes to apologize I talked to his sister and she said it was messed up how he treated me and she’d talk to him and he changed but I think it’s more the fact that she just got a job so he doesn’t hang out with her as much now I work 5 days a week and he said our days to hang out will be sat sun mon n tues which is fine he’s always busy doing something for his family but if his parents book a trip or they do something on like sat hell hang out with them n not me but I can never say let’s watch a movie on a Wednesday night bc he always has some bull rap excuse yet when he has to do something with them on my days it’s fine and he doesn’t care is this normal and I’m being irrational or is he not worth my time
I am in the exact same situation. My boyfriend and I tried to work through some issues over the phone after he cheated on me. He refused to come to fly to my city stating that his mother was feeling sick and it would make her worse (and I work in different locations in the summer so I couldn’t go to him) – so we had to use the phone. I’ll admit we spent a lot of time on the phone, but one day his brother-in-law came into the room and started calling me profanities and telling my boyfriend to just hang up on me because it was clearly making him upset…
Um…he cheated on me…of course he should be upset…
My boyfriend ALWAYS puts his family ahead of my needs. I’m supposed to get along with them even though his mother hates me for not being the same race/religion as her. His siblings encouraged him to cheat on me and then called me names.
Why are we still with them? Clearly we care more about being with someone than we do about ourselves.
How do you handle when he does actually put his family before your relationship? We currently live in my home together. He works while I go to school. (His decision not mine) They do take advantage of him when they get a chance. His brother actually went off on me (called me bad names and said some pretty awful stuff) publicly on Facebook. He has never apologized. My boyfriend didn’t stand up for me. My boyfriend actually invited him over for the 4th of July. I stood my ground & said he wasn’t welcome here because he disrespected me. I spent the 4th inside my home alone while they “partied” outside. I felt betrayed and hurt. This comes about just after my boyfriend and I went through some infidelty issues (did he or didn’t he cheat) concerning a “friend” of mine! I am about to give up. I feel like property not a girlfriend. I feel like he pretty much gave his brother the “go ahead” to speak to me any way he chooses.