10 Warning Signs of a Bad Relationship

Here are the warning signs of a bad relationship that can’t be ignored. It’s not easy to accept that your relationship might not be good for you – but the sooner you face reality, the sooner you can move forward. After the signs of bad relationships, I summarize new research that describes how to predict if a relationship will last.

10 Signs of Bad RelationshipsShould I Stay or Should I Go? A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can — and Should — Be Saved by Lundy Bancroft will help you see if your “bad relationship” is really as bad as you think it is. Below, I describes signs of bad relationships, but it’s good to go beyond these signs.

Here’s one of the best signs of a good relationship, from Winnie the Pooh: Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind.  “Pooh!” he whispered.  “Yes, Piglet?”  “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw.  “I just wanted to be sure of you.”  ~ A.A. Milne.

In a good relationship, you feel sure of your partner without having to ask for reassurance. Do you feel secure, happy, fulfilled, and protected in your relationship? Maybe not – otherwise you wouldn’t be here, looking for signs of a bad relationship.




10 Signs of a Bad Relationship

I think the worst sign of all types of bad relationships is the first one: secrets. If you can’t talk about what your partner says and does to you, then it’s a bad relationship. Another big sign of an unhealthy relationship is if you feel unhappy, insecure, and unloved when you’re with your partner. If this is the case, then maybe you need to think about starting over after a bad relationship right now, and skip these signs!

Speaking of secrets and relationships — The Secret Laws of Attraction: The Effortless Way to Get the Relationship You Want by Talane Miedaner shows us how to meet our emotional needs. Once our emotional needs are met, we will attract good relationships – and we won’t need to wonder if one of these signs of a bad relationship exist in our love life.

1. You keep your partner’s actions and words a secret. If you can’t tell your family or friends about the things your boyfriend or husband says and does, then you may not be in a healthy loving relationship. If you lie to protect him, then it’s time to get out of that bad relationship. You’re not just with the wrong guy…you’re being the wrong type of woman.

2. Your partner wants you to change. If your boyfriend or husband doesn’t love you as you are, run for the hills! This is one of the most important signs of bad relationships: a man who doesn’t love or accept you as you are. Your boyfriend or husband should love you unconditionally, whether you’re rich or poor, big or small, or here or there. You know it’s time to get out when you can’t be yourself.

3. Your partner doesn’t trust you. Constant phone calls, demands on your time, and jealous fits are NOT signs of love! If your husband or boyfriend doesn’t trust you or accuses you of lying, then you need to re-evaluate your love. If he opens your mail or shows up at work unexpectedly, he doesn’t trust you. This is a sign of deep insecurity, which could lead to more serious relationship problems.

4. Your partner puts you down, in private or in front of others. If he calls you names, ridicules your thoughts or opinions, or makes you feel like a fool, then he’s no good for you! You’re better off to break up with him and start getting over your broken heart.

signs of bad relationships

“Signs of Bad Relationships” image by Laurie

5. You don’t feel like an equal partner in your relationship. Does your husband or boyfriend make all the decisions – or do you? An unequal balance of power is a sign of a bad relationship, and a sign it’s time to get out. If you aren’t being treated equally, read When to Leave a Relationship.

6. You and your partner don’t have the same long or short-term goals. If you can’t agree on financial issues, family matters, or goals for your future, then you may want to think twice about your relationship. Nobody has the exact same plans for the future, but the happiest couples have the same focus.

7. Your boyfriend says he loves you, but doesn’t act like he loves you. Believe his nonverbal behavior (his actions) over his verbal behavior (talk is cheap!). Read 4 Ways to Tell If Your Husband is Lying About Cheating for help identifying verbal versus nonverbal behavior.

8. You feel bad, guilty, unhappy, depressed, or sad about your relationship. This tip is based on the quip from Piglet and Winnie the Pooh above. If you don’t feel secure, comfortable, and loved in your relationship, then you may be with the wrong guy. If you’re not happy, it’s a sign you’re in a bad relationship and you should think about leaving.

If your boyfriend or husband makes you feel bad about yourself, read The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?: A Woman’s Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go by Patricia Evans. If you’re in a bad relationship, learn how to empower yourself, improve your relationship, and change your life for the better.

9. Your family and friends aren’t supportive of your relationship. I don’t think we should choose our boyfriends or husbands based on our family and friends’ opinions, but I do think we should take their opinions into consideration! If your family or friends have strong reservations about your partner, I encourage you to ask for specific reasons. Find out the root of their feelings, and try to be objective.

Are you staying in a bad relationship because you’re scared to be alone? Read 10 Ways to Move on After a Break Up.

10. You’re wondering about the warning signs of a bad relationship. The most important warning sign of love gone bad is your gut feeling! Why are you worrying about your relationship? Would you want your sister, best friend, or daughter to be in this relationship? To find the strength and courage to either fix or leave a bad relationship, you may need to talk to a marriage counselor.

If these signs of bad relationships are pointing you out the door, read How to End a Relationship. I wrote it for a reader who has identified all the signs his relationship is over, but he fears being alone.

Research About the Signs of Bad Relationships

What does your partner say or think about you? Here’s a way to tell if a relationship is going to fall apart: find out what people really think about their partners. The researchers in a new study used a so-called implicit relationship test, which shows how people automatically respond to words. The sign of a bad relationship in this case is whether people link words with pleasant or unpleasant meanings when they’re referring to their partner.

A sign of a toxic relationship isn’t just about feelings. Most research on good and bad relationships has focused on how the people in the relationship feel about each other. And this is usually done by the obvious route: asking them. “But the difficulty with that is, that assumes that they know themselves how happy they are, and that’s not always the case,” says Ronald D. Rogge, of the University of Rochester. “To make things worse, a lot of people don’t want to tell you if they’re starting to feel less happy in their relationship.”

The words you choose when you think about your partner are signs of how healthy your relationship is. The 222 volunteers in their study were all involved in a romantic relationship. Each volunteer supplied the partner’s first name and two other words that related to the partner, like a pet name or a distinctive characteristic. Then they watched a monitor as three types of words were presented one at a time – good words (like peace, vacation, or sharing), bad words (such as death, tragedy, and criticizing), and partner-related words (names or traits). There were two different kinds of tests: one where the volunteer was supposed to press the space bar whenever they saw either good words or partner-related words, and one where the combination was bad words and partner words. The idea is to get at people’s automatic reactions to the words – if they have generally good associations with their partners, they should be able to do the first task more easily than the second.

Bad relationships are linked to unpleasant word associations. The researchers found that volunteers who found it easy to associate their partner with bad things and difficult to associate the partner with good things were more likely to separate over the next year. The researchers also asked volunteers to report on the strength of their relationships at the start of the study – and found that the new test did a much better job of predicting breakup.

What do you think of these signs of bad relationships? I welcome your comments below, but I can’t give advice.


Do you need relationship help? I can't offer advice, but you can get FREE advice and a FREE marriage assessment from marriage coach Mort Fertel. No strings attached!


May you find the strength and courage to recognize these signs of a bad relationship, and move forward into a new chapter of your life.

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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Shalom! I can't give you advice, but please feel free to share your thoughts below. I'm a writer in Vancouver; my degrees are in Psychology, Education, and Social Work. I live with my husband, two dogs, and cat. We can't have children, and we trust in God's love, grace, and wisdom. Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28.

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166 Responses

  1. Roadrunner says:

    Hello, was wondering.. some thoughts anyone on why a woman would play mind games, constantly lie and have relationships with men and hide them BUT still act like she cares and has sex and stays? The mind games come from me asking her questions and her blatent lying and even going so far as to insist i am wrong when i know i am correct (with proof) Also i have to ask for love and kisses and affection. We are married with kids.. but she works a better job then me.. and im not making anything to brag about myself. Any thoughts from a woman would be greatly appreciated. Last i think i could add.. I did cheat on her twice before moving in with her but it was long distance relationship then and we were not as serious. Five years passed and we moved in and now 9years living together (15years total) ive been loyal and best i can be. Home, attentive, kind and loving her &my kids. So i guess im asking… Does this mean she still loves me? If its revenge. If its money Do I need to make more? It seems she wants Me to go perhaps to look good to her family maybe? The way its blatent and cold without any remorse. What kind of woman would you say im dealing with? She snaps quickly, little patience, loves public displays and hates anyone who cares about me it seems. Always trying to say i do the same thing knowing i dont. Acts like she doesnt understand what i say. Even tried therapy for 4 days before she saying she hated it and the doctor telling me she is definitely a liar. I think of money cuz i found two bank accounts opened recently and dare not ask or even care but knowing she sees some big salaries at her job doesnt ease my mind with that said. Any thoughts would be appreciated. I just dont know if she still loves me and if its even worth it. Im not sure how or if i can even fix it? Its like she wants me to accept it or leave. She has a part in movie and trying to do more i suppose.. so it almost seems like she forcing me into an “open marriage”?

  2. kaggy says:

    eish……. the best option is to QUIT remember that he isn’t the last guy on this dam planet…..

  3. Jemma says:

    Who is to say someone is in a good/bad relationship, is there a set of rules we are to follow? Everyone’s relationships are different in so many ways. We always try to look for the perfect partner but no one is perfect. Stop looking for the faults and start looking at the points that bought you together in the first place. Communication is the only way.

    • MM says:

      Agree that communication is key however, there is such thing as a toxic relationship. There is a difference between a rocky relationship and an abusive situation. Those behaviors are not always apparent in the beginning of a relationship. Do pay close attention and see it for what it is. Yes, I agree that we all need to examine our relationships and remember what we loved about the other person at the start. Saying that, I also believe that love can be blind and that the way we allow someone to treat us is just how they will treat us. If you discuss those things that make you feel bad with your partner and you get no results or changes then it is time to reevaluate your situation. Can you live with the pain and disappointment for the rest of your life? Is this what you want for your life time? Just because someone is a great person or not does not mean that both can live together or be together. It is a personal decision only you can make. Have no regrets in life. Either try or get out. If you have tried everything, gotten outside help, and it still is not working, then you need to think about what is right for your life. Will it hurt to leave, yes. Will you live through it and meet someone else eventually. Yes. Will there be some time where you will be alone and have to learn how to be alone. Probably. Although it may not seem like it is a good thing, it is. It is healthy to learn how to stand on your own two feet, emotionally and financially.

  4. shreya says:

    Except point 2, rest all points apply in relationship I have with my husband. I know for sure that I am in a bad relationship. But I need advice on how to end this relationship, because whenever I try to leave him, he nags and begs and make me stay. I wish to have something which I eat tonight, go sleep and never wake up to struggle in my real life again. I am sad,depressed and feeling so alone.

    • joni says:

      I’m so sorry to hear this. I was once in a bad relationship as well, and when I tried to end it he did everything he could to keep me with him. My best friend is in this situation as well. Life can look hopeless when you are trapped, I know. What I did (after trying to end it in person failed) was find a place to be where he couldn’t get to me and told him it was over. My friends kept him away. You must have someone to help you, a family member, friend, or trusted professional. A counselor can help as well. I was amazed how much better life looked when I was free. Things will be so much better, I wish you all the best.

  5. Sandy says:

    Hi,
    I can’t believe that all this signals apply to my relationship. I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 15 years and it has been a real roller coaster but lately the ride has been going down and i don’t see a change. I met him when I was 19 and now I’m 32 with two daughters. He is soo controlling, I cant go to the store, doctors appointments or even look out of the window without he accusing me of cheating. He always say that I deserve it because one time I let a mainance guy in the house while he was not home. But that’s just part of it he also always recording me; he has camaras all over the house with the excuse that he want to make sure that I’m not cheating on him. He always call me names and worst is that he would talk to my daughters bad about me. The guy doesn’t have a job and is always demanding that pay his bills because he says that the reason that he doesn’t work is because I will cheat on him while he is at work. He follow me to work everyday and wants me to call him in every break and if I’m a few minutes late he will say that I’m cheating on him. He steals from me and has pawn all my good jewelry. He also puts recorders in my purse and spend all day listening to those recorders and videos. When he talks to me all he talks about is the recorders and how he always hear people talking about him. (let me make this clear at my job no one knows him). He always say that he does all of this because he loves me. But than he talks to his friends and family about me like I’m the worst woman alive. Even though he doesn’t pay one bill in our home he would ask me to leave everyday saying that we are in his neighborhood where he grew up and i have to leave. But than he tells me that if I leave the kids will stay with him because I’m not a good woman and I’m destroying the family. I know I have to leave but i don’t really have much family close to help and maybe I’m too attached to him. He watches the kids while I’m at work. He is also very dedicated to the kids but sometimes when I see him talking to them bad about me I don’t know what to think. Some of his positive quality are that he cleans here and there he’s the one that does the lawndry, he helps with the kids and he’s always looking for ways to spend good family time together. I don’t have much patient myself where he likes to communicate and ask a lot of questions I get very annoyed. The reason I get annoyed is because half of the time he would not believe me when I answer him. There’s time that he is very super nice but that don’t last. I know he loves me and he doesn’t cheat but what good is that. This is soo frustrating!!!

    • MM says:

      Wow! All I can say is why would you want the rest of your life this way. I understand the roles are reversed with you working outside the home and him being the home maker and taking care of the children. Many families are taking on that shape these days and there is nothing wrong with that as long as both of you are happy with that. I don’t get the cameras and the recordings. I would not be able to deal with that. As far as the home and the kids, that is something that the courts can work out and not the husband. I understand if you feel trapped because your kids may be very young and you don’t want them to be taken from you. Perhaps the best advice would be to get some family counseling if you want to try to hold the family together. I held on to my family until my children were almost grown. It was not as complicated a situation as your seems to be but I can tell you that there are times where I wish I would have left much sooner so that I could have had a chance to start a new life with someone else and my kids could have seen a strong man role model in their lives. I do regret that I stayed for the kids. It wasn’t good for them to see us argue and show no affection to one another over a 28 period time frame. It ended after 28 years and the house is empty with no more young children and I ended up very lonely and had to learn to live alone. I found that I am okay alone and I enjoy my home, my safe place, , my grown children, family, and my friends. I don’t have any family near me either other than my oldest child. I don’t see him much as he is grown with his own life but I feel free of the kind of stress I felt and the worry I felt from work because I was on my way home and didn’t know what to expect when I got there. Was it going to be a no stress evening or full of stress depending on the husband. How do you feel when it’s time to go home every evening or on the weekends. Think about that when you imagine your children grown and no longer living at home. Will you want to still be there? Also how will your children feel about you and what will they believe when the father, the person they love so much, is telling them things about you that they don’t know is not true? They need to see the best you, are you the best you in this situation? I hope your family gets the help they need. Even if it is just for you, you need to be strong for your children and your own happiness. Is your husband concerned for your happiness or does he just not care? Is that love? or obsession and controlling behavior? No one can tell you how to deal with this. I know you just want to be heard and have someone validate you. I understand, I have been there. I am still trying to figure things out and don’t know if I can ever trust another man in my life completely. Red flags go flying every time I meet someone. I just know that I was always afraid to be alone and now understand that it is necessary to be alone to figure out who you are and amaze yourself at the person you have become and how independent you feel. We are woman, strong, supportive, emotional, loving, caring, and intelligent. Only you have the power to make your life the way you envision it. Make it happen or change it. You obviously have the resources to do so. You make the money. Money is the one thing you do need to make changes. It realistic. He is afraid that you will leave him because he has no way to support himself. If he is disabled I can see that he may not be able to work however, if he is an able body then maybe he needs to get up and get a job. Using the excuse to stay home so you don’t cheat is bull. If he doesn’t work and you accept that and are okay with him taking care of the kids then great but be mindful, if that is the case, you may have to pay alimony or more if you decide to separate. I hope that you make a decision, whatever it may be, to take control of your own life. Get help for you, the kids, your husband, talk to a lawyer, start to save your money in a private savings without his knowledge, do something. But do it for you and your children and not for him. Do what you want. You may need some time to figure out what it is that you want. Things are not ever going to change for him without him getting help. There is some reason he feels so insecure and that is about him. Without help the situation will not change for the better, it will only get worse as time goes on. Really look at your husband, and ask if you saw the signs before you married. Did he get jealous a lot, feel insecure, question you all the time about where you were? The signs were probably there, you just didn’t look hard enough. If they were not, then what happened to change him. Did he have an affair and is not able to cope? Is he accusing you because he did something he shouldn’t have done? Did he always stay home and you work? When did he decide not to work any longer? These are questions that therapy would address. Why is the question. Why does he do these things? There has to be a reason. ?????

  6. Christina says:

    Here is my story, My bf and me have been together for 7 years, two weeks ago, we just ended the relationship. Now i am still in pain that i couldnt control thinking about him. I am 30 years old, since i was 23 we were together, we were so in love. And after we lived together for few years together, after he bought house in HK, and he starts to stay in hk, and i stay in Shenzhen which is like one hour away for each other. I indicated that i want marriage. but he said he doesnt want to get married, not because of me, he is jewish, and i dont have any religion. He always told me so many things about negative marriage. His parents ending their marriage when he was 5 years old. But he is a loving man with kids for his brothers babies.
    last year, i proposed that we should have baby together, And he said ok, and pushed me each time when he was travalling that, he said we should make baby fast.
    But i think it is better to visit my parents first, so two weeks ago, we decided to visit parents,(need 5 hours drive to see my parents). after he packed everything from hk to SZ my place, i told him please tell my parents no wedding party, he said , we dont get married, of course no wedding party, i said, but you cannt tell them like this, you will hurt them. then he said no, i cannt lie. then we started to argue and we didnt go to visit parents.
    after the weekend he left my place to HK, i sent him message to test, then he said i was not sure i didnt want to hurt you, you want family and together so much, i am afraid you take my freedom. what we want is different.
    how come he just quitted our plan like this. 7 years together, no fight, just like this, he said we are different also because one month ago i was mad at him and i said things like that, now he use this against me. I tried to get him back by sending a lot of messages to tell how much i loved him. he seems so determined that we are different, and i should find someone who can marry and give me family.
    i was willling to not to get married and have baby with him now he got scared.
    Normally we were in love, he always thought of me when he was traval for business, bought me gifts sent me messages. i cannt image my life without him. but i fought for him already.
    We met same problem 3 years ago, after 3 months he got back to me.
    Now i felt so helpless. everynight nightsmaret that what if he has new gf.
    we made business together, now we are still working together, but i stay in my China side, he stays in his HK side. not too much communication on line. these few days he sent me pictures that he took with his friends told me where he went, what he did, i didnt reply. because before he said we should turn the page to be friends.
    I dont think i can make friends like that.
    I feel i am dying without him. i dont know what to do

  7. shyla says:

    I met my online girlfriend within 2 weeks that we decided to be together , I lived in another state . I have 2yr old Daughter. I moved all the way across the world to be with this person . It seems like we only work out when our sex drives are very high . We have been trying to make things work more than half our relationship . My partner makes me feel like a fool , treats me like a child. She is very verbally abusive , and has been physical . Because she has been so abusive I have seemed to have lost my voice. Our relationship is very damaged , I don’t know how to open up anymore , where I am very open , now closed . And she can’t soften herself . I am ready to leave but I honestly don’t know how to speak up anymore……

  8. buli says:

    I am involved with a married soldier guy who is always out of the city I wait for him and he is so loving when he is not around the problem starts when he comes back he doesn’t make time to come see me he always have excuses of fixing his home and apologises for that he’d say he will see me tomorrow but he never comes when I end it he disapproves and start to act up and start all over the same excuse after a month and he he doesn’t want me to be involved with anyone besides him.does this mean the guy loves me or he is also confused he doesn’t know what he really wants?

  9. Leila ally says:

    Hi everyone I want to express my opinion about a bad relationship coz I was in it many time , i have love and broke up like 4 times i mean the deep love but I loved someone so deeply I can say nearly to be crazy ,I felt that I couldn’t live without him ,he was controlled fick he wanted to change me from whom I am everything from clothes until behavior even religion. What I discover it wasn’t love he wanted my money he was drinking a lot wanted me to buy many things for him and I was accepting coz I wasn’t addicted not love and the bad thing he new .I felt unhappy all da time and I felt I wasn’t enough for him what ever I do.I can’t say we didn’t have a good moment but I realize the relationship wasn’t hearlthy I tried to change for him but at the end I realize what ever I was doing wasn’t enough I give more I was getting little and we ended up breathing .I wasn’t feeling like getting him go but with time everything heals we had good moment but a lot of suffering and pains I can say it was my first time to go that deep.but for know am back with my first love(I mean my first sex lover we weren’t that close at first) open up my heart again I didn’t even know that he was the one my heart was waiting for am happy and at first time in my life I experience love and good sex we do have our misunderstanding sometimes but at list we know huw to solve our problems.what I can say to all of us who went or are still in bad relationships .when u are in a bad relationship you will just feel it don’t always follow your heart listen to both your heart and brain.out there in that relationship someone good not to all perfect but Atlist is waiting for you .we love wrong people just let your heart start a fresh a new life for u to be yourself that’s how you can be happy .just be yourself

  10. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    I stayed with guys who weren’t right for me because I wanted to be loved more than anything else. I ignored all the warning signs of bad relationships because I was lonely and desperate.

    If you know you’re staying with the wrong man because you’re desperate to be loved, then it’s time to change your life. Reconnect with God, find your source of power, and learn how to give yourself what you need. Only then will you find a man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

  11. Elle says:

    What I think most women who are not married but feeling insecure about their relationships are missing is a key fact of logic: they are expecting to have the rights and benefits of being married. If you are not married to your boyfriend, and he isn’t treating you like his wife, but you feel like he did once and now has stopped – just realize that during infatuation faze, guys are on their best behavior to win you. Once they have a sure thing, they will not forget they are single still, not ready for commitment of marriage still (or you would be engaged and a date set). And if you overstep the lines of your actual status, imposing rules that exceed that status, you have an unhappy stifled and conflicted boyfriend with Mixed Feelings. The longer this goes on, the more emasculated he feels for his inaction. And you end up here reading this article. Marriage is a different story. But the notion that a “partner” outside an actual commitment is choosing to operate by committed rules is a total delusion. When you agree to that arrangement, you are agreeing to allow him to keep his options open. Think about that, and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Do what is right for YOU.

  12. desprate says:

    I have read through comments and suggestions but am still not sure of myself. .I have been with my partner for 2 and half years. .we briefly lived together but it soon got controlling and he went back home. .we never had any contact for a month or so and I was starting to feel better as it had left me in a mess. .I really love him and fell for his charm but sadly it didn’t last. .he got back in touch with me and begged me to start again and after a month or so of talking on the phone and email he moved back in. .that was 6 monthsago and everything was ok for about 8 weeks. .he was affectionate and talked to me and sex was good which all had been lacking before. .then things changed again. .he gambles alot and drinks heavily and part of the condition of getting back together was he stopped this. ..he has slowly started gambling online again and was binge drinking but has been diagnosed with early liver disease so has to cut the drink out. .he hardly ever comes near me and if i try to initiate sex he tells me to leave him alone but i have to comply when he wants to. .he never hugs or cuddles me and if i try to cuddle him he tells me im needy and that there’s something wrong with me. .any time i try to talk to him he shouts and balls at me and tells me ive got 10 seconds to shut up or he’s leaving me. ..he tells me im mental and a nutter because i want some interaction as we can go for days without speaking a word. .im sat watching whatever he wants on tv as I don’t get to choose what’s on. .he demands drinks and food and even makes me roll his cigarettes. .he does nothing to help in the house and if i ask for any help he tells me to shut up and sit down and be quiet. .I can’t speak or havean oopinion on anything as he tells me im an idiot and he doesn’t want to hear my voice. ..I have tried to tell him how i feel but he just screams at me often swearing to shut up and be quiet. .I have no affection or conversion and tread round carefully and scared to speak incase he tells me im moaning and to shut up. ..he threatens to leave constantly and I’ve just given up and feel so alone and hate myself. .he never says anything nice to me just sits betting and watching sport all day every day and if i speak and his bet loses he says i made it lose and calls me names and makes me sit in silence. .if i even attempt to speak he starts counting to 10 and I have to stop or he walks out. ..I feel so much like just giving up and feel totally worthless and unloved. ..can anyone help as he says it’s my fault and im starting to think I’m not normal. .

    • jess says:

      All I’m going to say is he’s a POS and doesn’t deserve YOU! The reason he’s so emotionally andmentally abusive which you SHOULDNT put up with is because he hates who he is! It has NOTHING to do with YOU… that is a very toxic relationship and YOU should want more for yourself! Kick his ass out.. you’ll be surprised at how happy you will be without that negativity and abuse in your life… and you should probably go to counseling to learn how to be independent, have boundaries and love yourself! Good luck…

    • MM says:

      Why would you want him to stay. It would be easier and better for you if he left. Why be in a relationship (well you really are not in a relationship but are his maid, and servant it seems) with someone who doesn’t enjoy your company. I am sure someone else would love to have your company. I would say get yourself financially stable and find a new place to live or let him leave. He will be doing you a huge favor. If you stay in this relationship it will always be this way. You cannot fix him; he has to want to do that. You have to fix you. Seek some counseling or call the abuse hotline. I do believe there is someplace that you can call just to speak with someone. Ask yourself if you had a daughter, would you want someone to treat her this way? We know what the answer to that is. Just think about the quality of life you are missing. It’s okay to be alone. It is lonely but you will adjust. You have to do what is right for you. Good luck to you.

  13. Eleia says:

    i am reading this article with hope because I have finally made up my mind to leave my bad relationship. I have tried to leave and let go of this toxic relationship about four times now, and even tho its been a fairly short relationship 1 yr and a half, i kept coming back because i was conflicted. Maybe with prayer and time things (he) will change. We moved in together way too soon because he fell on hard times and became homeless, i felt sorry for him, and i fell on hard times, became unemployed for over a year, and so i thought this was what God wanted for me because of my circumstances. The first time he slapped me i was shocked and cried, but i forgave him and gave him a second chance, but the verbal, emotional, and mental abuse never stopped. He would be sarcastic, falsely accuse me, make me feel guilty about saying or feeling a certain way about his kids. Mind you I have no kids but I treated and supported him and his kids like they were my own. Watch them, teach them, cook for them, give guidance and prayer. And I almost felt like staying because of them. I felt guilt, shame, and embarrasment for even staying in this relationship this long. I felt fear to go back home and “struggle” trying to find a job and live with family. But I finally had a wakeup call, after one morning he woke up in a bad mood, falsely accused me, intimidated me and almost hit me with the crutch i bought for him because he injured his knee. I called my pastor after getting the guts to not “suffer in silence” anymore. We had gotten a marriage license and even made plans to have a quick, small ceremony. This is nothing like what I wanted or dreamed of, or even asked God for, it finally dawned on me that I am settling and I deserve better. I havent left yet, but ive got my exit plans in place. In a few days now I will be going back home and my family has been nothing but supportive. Thank God i have a loving family to go home to. But i do feel sorry for his kids, i will miss them the most, because they have developed an attachment and admiration for me. Yet, I cannot stay for them because I am unhappy with him and how he treats me. IT’s not all bad and yes he has made improvements, but for the pain i go thru, I could get with someone who has no kids and struggle to find a way on my own rather then struggle with him. There’s no guarantee he will ever change and how long would I have to wait to actually get the man i have prayed for. I am going on to bigger and better things by developing my relationship with God more and believe God for all the promises he has in store for me, instead of settle for what is now and what is comfortable/uncomfortable. I want ladies to take courage, be strong, and start saying you deserve better and believe it! For a minute I told myself God wanted me to suffer to do good for others. I used to ask myself is this the best God could do? I now know if I have to ask myself that, then obviously the answer must be no. It is time for me to go. Freedom is where I am going! In Jesus name!

  14. Lulu says:

    I think I am the toxic one in this relationship. I am manipulative and if things do not go my way I lose my temper and throw tantrums. I’ve been wanting to end it and he just doesn’t understand that I am the problem. I don’t’ even know how we lasted so long with my kind of attitude. It’s mostly him working on it not me.

  15. Carol says:

    Look, a therapist isn’t always the answer! Besides, he wouldn’t go anyway, he is hateful, Minipulative, Controling and has other problems.
    He is very Verbal Abusive, he calls me a stupid B, Braindead, a moron, Useless, the list goes on & on! He sure pulled the wool over my eyes, yes, I was really stupid for marrying him.

  16. MM says:

    I am heartbroken over a man I recently broke up with after 4 years. He was charming, loving, attentive, took me wonderful places, held my hand and was so wonderful to me in the beginning stages. The first two years were mostly good but every now and again he would loose his temper over things that I felt were very small things. He wanted me to grow my hair, and took me shopping because he wanted me to dress a certain way. Some of the things he wanted me to wear I thought inappropriate for my age (over 50). I did change my hair, and did compromise on some of the clothing. He also wanted me to change things about my home and complained it was cluttered. I recently bought the home from my ex and was redoing some things in the house and was purging a bit at a time in and out of the house. I have made many changes but still it is not to his satisfaction. It is clean and I do have some mail on the table now and then. I do have an older son that is messy but that is his room and bathroom. Can’t fight that everyday but I have tried to get him to clean. He has told me that he is sometime not attracted to me when I don’t fix my self up (which I do every single day for work and when we go out) and that’s why he doesn’t feel like getting intimate. He has told me that no other man would want me the way I am, that I am the worst girlfriend he has ever had. He talks about other woman all the time, old girlfriends and how he loved one of them more than any one. He tells me that he meets other woman that he could go out with and they have no issues, no kids, never been married before. He tells me that I am mean when I fight back, or I don’t appreciate what he does for me. He feels that he does more for me than I do for him although I cook for him all the time, do errands for him, and anything he wants to do we do during the week and on weekends. When he yells at me for who know any reason at any given time and I cry, he calls me names like “cry baby” and never comforts me. He has never said he is sorry for the things he says to me, only he sorry when I am sad. When I want to be away from him after he thrashes me for something and I don’t see him the next few days, even cancelling plans, cause I just can’t take another thrashing, he says I am causing problems in the relationship. He says he says things in anger and yells but when I say anything to him or email him my feelings and he doesn’t like what I say, he tells me I am mean. I feel jealous and very insecure all the time. I found him emailing an old girlfriend and she begged him to call her sweetheart a few years ago and he did then she invited him to a party months later. He was going to go until I told him I knew where he was headed and told him if he couldn’t bring me with him than he wouldn’t be with me when he returned. He didn’t go but if I didn’t know about it I really believe he was going to to. She told him she wished he was a needle in a haystack and she would like him to prick her in one of the emails. He also spoke with another woman who he knew from high school and saw her at a reunion. Didn’t even remember her name but Facebook-ed her and said to her that he wanted to look at amateur photos she took because he too took photos and wished he could spend more time with her. She said she would be sure to extend her time next time she came to town to spend more time with him. He tells me that I am jealous when we go out together. He has woman coming up to him and leaning on him to speak in his ear often. On the dance floor when he is with me, in bars that we frequent to talk with him. They are old acquaintances. I try not to say anything in public, but do have an issue with woman’s breasts leaning up against my boyfriend and he doesn’t use any body language to defuse it. I do believe I have such a problem with my insecurity because of all the things he has said to me. He has had many many girlfriends in his years and never been married. They only last about 3 to 5 years then something happens to the relationship for him. He recently got mad at me for cancelling our plans (because I was so very sad, I cancelled). He was intimate with me by the end of that week but just that had told me that if I continued to behave the way I did then I would push him to another woman earlier in the day. The next night I asked if I would see him and he told me he had plans and because of me cancelling the one day of the weekend before he was going out to this night club alone. We spend every weekend night together always. This is a place he promised to take me for years but it was “too far” and he thought I would get jealous because of all the young beautiful girls there so he was reluctant to take me. I have never ever made a scene or even said anything in public when we are out. I have never done anything to anyone while we were out. He is one who looks a lot at other woman when I am with him. Well he went somewhere during the afternoon and the club wasn’t too far (30 min. or so) near this club, so he told me I wouldn’t see him that night. I was so upset but didn’t tell him that on the phone. He called back 20 min. later but I wasn’t able to answer. I called him back 20 min. later and he didn’t answer. I told him I thought he had no use for me any longer and that this was very hurtful to me, that he didn’t know how this was affecting me. No phone call back. I called again about 3 hours later and he still didn’t answer. I felt this was a punishment for me cancelling the one day last week. I left a message for him to please not contact me again. He did the next day expecting me to pick him up to go out as we had planned. I didn’t and left it at that. I later emailed him and told him everything I felt. He blamed everything on me and had no compassion at all for me. I feel that he is shopping because of all the things he has said to me, the yelling all the time, and him always telling me that I need to change, and he is not happy but if he went somewhere else it would just be other problems with someone else. He says he loves me. It sure doesn’t feel like love and I cry a lot. I want to fix things, I want him to get help but he says its my problem and not his. I am so heartbroken. I thought this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. He will not say sorry for anything ever. Always blames me for all the wrongs of the relationship and makes excuses for his behavior. I want to help him and feel really bad for him that he has gone through this pattern his whole life with relationships. I was married almost 30 years. I have only been separated/divorced a bit over 4 years now. I don’t want a relationship like this where my lover has to go out alone to be (alone) he says. I feel there are other places to go if he wants some alone time. (restaurants, to see a band where he knows people, etc..) He doesn’t have any close friends that he hangs out with or is in regular contact with. He just had me. I am so very sad for the both of us. I know that if he could get help for his anger, it would be a beautiful relationship but I can’t do that for him. I also need to feel secure before I can trust again. He hasn’t slept with anyone that I know of, I do trust when he tells me that but I feel so disrespected and would never talk to me the way he talks to woman, and never would I go out to a night club alone. I used to go with my girls when the relationship was new but now choose to go to the movies, dinner, or my girls house when we want a girls night. Or I invite him to meet us at the club. I feel so lost and my heart is aching.

    • chris60 says:

      this is a really bad relationship with you making too many concessions out of fear of losing someone who does not treat you with respect. Have a break and work on recovering your self-esteem and discovering activities and goals that will boost your sense of self. As a woman, it is upsetting to see any other women being over to keep angry and controlling partners who feel entitled to denamd that you pander to their needs and preferences instead of allowing you to make your own decisions. Let this man go and don’t look back. Better to be single than allow yourself to be reduced by someone who does not value you anyway. Sorry to be blunt. But you know that this is not good for you, but only you can make the choice to leave. Why in the heck your heart is aching for such an unworthy choice of partner is somewhat confusing. Find something other than a bad relationship to anchor yourself and offer fulfillment and meaning in your life. Set goals that help you to rediscover who you are instead of settling for crumbs and dreams of changing this hopeless situation. I feel really sorry for you, but only you can find the strength and wisdom to discover what you really deserve and what might make you happy.

    • Fleur says:

      Reading this, your B.F has all the traits of a narcissist.
      Unfortunately, he will never change and please end this toxic relationship. You deserve better. I know, I have been there and got the T shirt. Narcissists get their narcissistic supply from people and when they no longer need those people, they are discarded. Narcissists are misogynists also and dislike women, but need them for supply.
      Watch Sam Vaknin on You Tube, please educate yourself about this man. Good luck.xxx

  17. Theresa says:

    I believe my niece is bad relationship, she saying it’s better each day. She said they used to fight all the time and now it’s getting better. She starting to lie to all her family members including her sister who they are really close. She argues with her mother who does not like her boyfriend at all, due she has seen his jealously come out him a few times with she has family functions. My niece is 19 years old and her boyfriend is 21 and Marine. My niece believes her boyfriend is only dislike by the family because he is ugly, not attractive. We her family has told repeatedly we see how jealous he gets when someone around you whether family or friends. She currently alienated all her very close friends of 5 years or more stating they do not like her boyfriend because he is “ugly” using this excuse not to talk to them anymore. She is planning to move in with him after knowing him for 6 months which they only get together every other weekend. She was going into Navy as career but decided not to, and does not want to go to school at all period ever since she met this man. In essence, she given up her dreams instead has decided move away from home with no work experience, no transportation, (no automobile) and decided of her life is to focus making him happy. She states with great emphasis and has not budge off her position quoted “He is her happiness and that’s all she needs period” and “this family can not change my mind”.
    Unbelievable! I need opinion what to do about my niece or allow to bump her head badly!

  18. Rosa says:

    For women facing abusive or negligent boyfriends or husbands – its time to leave. If u dont work apply for benefits n try n move in w a friend or family member. You need to break away,build your work skills or join something u can do part time like avon, You will slowly figure things out! Be strong. Leaving is the first step to safety.

  19. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thank you for sharing your experience of these signs of a bad relationship. It’s like being stuck between a rock and a hard place: you don’t want to stay in a bad relationship, but it’s so difficult to break up, start over, and take a giant leap of faith in your life! For that’s what it is, when you recognize the warning signs of a bad relationship and decide to let it go: a huge leap of faith.

    My prayer for you is for strength and courage. May you be wise as you decide if you should leave this relationship. May you know deep in your heart that you deserve better than to be in a bad relationship! May you work towards emotional and spiritual strength, so you can make decisions that are good and healthy. And, may you be filled with confidence and faith that letting go of this bad relationship will open you up to start a good one with someone new.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  20. mae says:

    I just don’t know what to do? Last night I kicked my fiancee out for like the 5th time in 4 months. We have been together seven years and have two boys together. We have always had ups and downs and always had money problems and struggle with finances that’s why I’ve always stayed with him. And cause of the kids. I know there is nothing between us anymore the love and feelings have been gone for a long time and we both have known this we just ignore it act like everything is fine and stay because it seems like the easiest thing to do at the moment. Well I need help to not get back with just because I don’t work and I stay home with my baby. And I am afraid I will take him back cause he supports me financially and I don’t even know where to start being on my own

  21. tebogo says:

    I’ve been in this marriage for for 4 years.my husband he’s forever moody,too serious,no sense of humour,he doesn’t take me out neither he doesn’t want me to go out with friends,in my b-day he just wished me a happy b-day no lunch at a restaurant or a gift he ddnt at least try to make me feel special on that day,we dnt hv the same dreams or goals.evertym I ask him bwt his future,dreams hell be very negative.im realy not happy.i do everything for my self financial starting by paying the house.hes not my friend,not easily approachable.il go through difficulties in my life maybe work related issue or family issues and he won’t even notice that I’m not ok.im so lonely in this marriage even wen I knock off at work I get bored to come knowing I’m going to find him being too serious,moody.ive tried couple of times to talk to him but nothing seems to change

  22. Laurie says:

    Recognizing the warning signs of a bad relationship is painful and confusing. My prayer for everyone who is struggling with hopeless, pain, insecurity, and injustice is for peace and clarity. May you see your relationship clearly, and may you recognize the difference between lack of effort and a serious problem with your partner. I pray for strength and wisdom, peace and power as you discern whether these warning signs of a bad relationship pertain to you and your partner.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

    • Gina says:

      I really want to thank u for the words u expressed and your prayers for anyone who maybe struggling!I am at point in my relationship I font know what to do!Ive been in this relationship thinking hoping it will change and it never comes where does the insanity stop????

    • mel says:

      Thanks for that Prayer, I so need it right now. I’ve been having problems n my Relationship of one year now.

  23. Luke says:

    What an utter load of shallow rubbish. Relationships are much more complex and telling anyone to leave a relationship just because they see some trait is a cowardly and uneducated thing to advise anyone to do. Go see a therapist.

  24. ZippityDoDa says:

    Well, I am a male that was once married to a woman that:

    2. My ex wife wanted me to change.

    This was evident after dealing with an emotionally abusive woman that shared nothing with me. I mean nothing. My ex wife ended up being the worst relationship that I had ever been in. Wanting me to change or behave a certain way in front of her parents. The marriage was an all time joke. I lost respect for this person during our marriage.

    4. Your partner puts you down, in private or in front of others

    Oh yeah. My now ex wife put me down in front of her family especially her parents. Not to mention my own children.

    6. You and your partner don’t have the same long or short-term goals.

    Never did we have the same long or short term goals.

    8. You feel bad, guilty, unhappy, depressed, or sad about your relationship.

    I ended up in the mental health hospital as a result of a garbage marriage. Seeking some type of affection during a 10 year marriage was hopeless. Three little girls later and divorced. I was very depressed. Slowly…very slowly I am starting to lift out of depression after 3 years. I wondered sometimes if my ex wife was depressed and that I in a sense caught the depression from her? Unhappy, guilty, depressed and sad. All were present in my marriage especially after our 3 little girls were born. I bet she felt the same as well. It was a difficult experience.

    If your boyfriend or husband makes you feel bad about yourself.

    Yes. This was one of the worst parts of my marriage. In a sense, she didn’t make me feel bad about myself. She said things that just didn’t seem right. When I lost a job…I was minimized to a loser. Just a shit experience and now with 3 little girls that love and miss their Father…it is tough. As much as my ex wife wants to be some type of friend as she mentioned during the end of our marriage…I am certain that there will never be any type of friendship involved. Not after such an experience…an experience that took the manhood from me and it has taken quite a bit of time to get some of it back.

    Never in my 10 years of marriage did I ever call my ex wife a name, never abused her verbally or physically, never relied on drugs or alcohol, never ever demeaned my ex wife in front of anyone. During the last 2 years, I lost respect for her. I sensed that after she had her three children that she was heading back to her affluent father. That is exactly what happened. The Family Court System booted me from my home. Gave me 4 days/month visitation rights to my kids and left me living below the poverty line. I pay my child support and what I am left with pays my bills and gets me some peace and comfort knowing that I no longer have to deal with the manipulative ways my ex wife and her Family.

  25. Laurie says:

    Dear Cindy,

    I wish you luck as you end this bad relationship, and start moving forward into a new stage of your life!

    In peace and passion,
    Laurie

  26. Cindy says:

    This is my story. I have been involved with a younger man for almost 5 years. We met online, and I had recently gone through a separation so I was lonely and not thinking clearly. He did not have a job and also no where to live (was living with a relative in another town at the time we met), so he moved in with me. For all this time he has worked an online business that I helped him set up, and been pretty successful at it–when he feels like working. For weeks and sometimes months at a time he will not work, and is only interested in video games. I work a full-time job and come home to pick up after him, feed our animals and cook. He doesn’t help around the house at all unless I nag, and then it is rare.

    The worse thing is his moods. He will wake up in a nasty mood and start in on me, or start on me when I walk in the door from work. He has called me every name you could imagine, put holes in my walls, thrown things and scared me and my animals half to death. Our arguments are scary and unpredictable. I feel hopeless and sad. I have given him everything within my means–financial support, emotional support, not to mention cleaning, cooking, taking care of the house etc. I am so tired of doing it all alone. I am full of resentment, anger and sadness.

    I am finally going to take steps to end it. He will not leave the house willingly and has no where to go, so of course he wants to continue to sit under my roof and play games on his (my) PS4. If I had it like that with him catering to my every need, he would have to call the police to get me out too lol. Not really, but I have enabled his behavior and I’m going to stop.

    Tomorrow I will file papers to have him evicted. Please wish me luck!!!

  27. Sharon says:

    These warning signs of bad relationships have helped but the comments and stories helped more. I feel I’m not so alone now, thank you.

  28. AMM says:

    When 90% is bad and the rare 10% is good
    When, after a nasty outburst, you are crying, not from the hurt (you’ve been doing that for years), but from sheer despair , hopelessness and frustration
    When your tears are replaced by anger and he doesn’t seem to care
    When, after years of efforts trying to connect (not nagging – just practicing random acts of kindness, validating his feelings, giving him love even when he should be getting a kick in the pants, pointing out the positives in him and never missing an occasion to show gratitude for his rare nice gestures), the brick wall just won’t budge
    When your man can’t think of a single thing that’s good about you, and all you ever hear is how flawed you are and how all the ills in the relationship are your fault
    When the insults and contempt thrown at you are an almost daily occurrence (no matter what you do)

    • Cindy says:

      You took the words right out of my mouth. It helps to know I’m not alone. I’m finally going to court to get a notice served on him to leave my house after 4.5 years of hell. I hope you work things out too. Good luck to us both.

  29. Laurie says:

    Dear Rebecca,

    I think you should go for counseling on your own, and figure out why you are staying in this relationship. You know he’s not good for you – and I know you love him so much – but there is no healthy, happy future with him. If he’s ready to go to counseling, that’s great! Good for him. But whether or not he is ready isn’t your business.

    Your business is getting emotionally and spiritually healthy, so you can decide what to do with your life. Your business is to take care of you, and get out of this cycle of abuse you’re in. You’ve already recognized several signs of bad relationships with your boyfriend…now you need to take care of your future. Get counseling. Move forward without him – and find ways to keep yourself safe. Talk to your counseling about how to leave your boyfriend with as little damage as possible.

  30. Rebecca Nkontlha says:

    I think Im also in an abusive relationship.We met 7 years ago ut never shared a smile together all what we share was his mood swings,sulky face,cheating,controlling behaviour and his jealousy.My boyfriend is just a night mare is such a way Im so deeply depressed and I was on anti- depressants for 6 years.He never allowsme to see my friends or go out and he has never took me out for luch or dinner and all what he does is to go out with his friends for drinks the whole night and he dont even remember my birthday.I really wish if I never met this guy and when he is drunk he starts accusing me cheating him with his friends and at times he will call me in the middle of the night telling me how his friends saw me with a guy somewhere and he will even accuse me of cheating with my friends husbands.The next day he behaves as if nothing happened and when I asked him he will be so apologetic.At times when I slept over his place he will leave me alone and go for drinks and coming back he will start his nasty fights over nothing and will either push me or grab me by force or threatens to kill me and I am very scared of him if he is drunk .Most of his friends left him cause of his moody and hatred behavior.He onced accused his best friend of sleeping with me .When I visit his home he will not allow me to even go out of the gate and controls even which pot to use if I cook for him.I cannot deal with this any more we argue over petty isssues.He is so jelaous in such way he sulks when my neighbours come and visit me.I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man but I think it wont work.He dont want us to break up and even to change his attitude and threatens to kill me if I leave him.We had so make break up for the past 7 years and nothing has changed and I love him so much .Should I go for help with him ?

  31. Cari says:

    I have been dating this guy for the past two years we are still young so marriage is not my main focus right now I just want to have decent fun and enjoy my twenties with him but he is so horrible he used to be so perfect all friends were so jealous when I would tell them about him. He does not have a nice paying job which doesn’t bother me, he is very hard working and excellent with household chores. He doesn’t let me go out with friends and family he doesn’t take me out he continuously insults everything I do he threatens me he makes me cry every week without fail.. I was sexually abused as a child and he uses that against me, he threatens my male colleagues he screams at me in front of people, everything wrong he does he blames me he doesn’t care about me and my needs. I have tried to leave him many times but he gets very violent. I do not want to be with him but I see no way out, I am tired of trying and trying and feeling so hopeless I feel sometimes like suicide is my only option I’m just so tired of all the pain and heartache. Please help me get out of this relationship!!!!

    • A Friend says:

      So sorry you have been going through this! I hope you have left him already. Believe me, you are so young; do not waste any more of your time on him. He is verbally abusive. If you live with him, go stay with family or friends and then have them come back with you to get your things. You will be so grateful later that you did. If he abuses you from afar or stalks you, get a restraining order and videotape your interactions.

  32. gerod says:

    Hi im gerod and im 28yrs old an i was with a woman who is 45yrs n things went ok for three months until she said things like i must”gave her needs and wants” and like “she met guys better than me” and all those stuffs and i don’t like that and i did walk out of her because she do not respect me all she cared bout is herself . any comments to it feel free thanks 😉

  33. Brigitte says:

    These signs of a bad relationship are very important for women to know. Thank you for sharing them, and opening up the conversation for women to talk about bad unhealthy relationships.

  34. Laurie says:

    Donna,

    How have things been since your husband erupted? I think the only way to find out if counseling will help is to actually go to a counselor. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to go into couples therapy – it’ll help you to just talk through your relationship with a counselor on your own. Sometimes it only takes one half of the couple to get healthy, and the other half of the couple might come alongside.

    Thank you for sharing your story – I think you offered a very helpful warning sign of a relationship that could be bad, or it could be saved!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  35. Donna says:

    My husband and I were married almost two years ago. He comes from an abusive background and while difficult for him to talk about, I know his father was verbally and emotionally abusive, physically so toward his younger brother (maybe also to him, though I don’t know), and his mother is emotionally controlling and manipulative. For most of his life, he accepted it — coping by shutting down his feelings, keeping some distance, yet still trying to do things for their approval. Now for the first time in his life, at 40, he’s starting to talk about what happened — and more, how it has affected him. And he is trying to adjust, his behavior and thinking — to influence the relationship he has with his parents and to stop bring the pattern he learned into our relationship.

    It’s been a long road to get here — much of the 2 years of our marriage, and even months prior. I’m encouraged by his attempts and things seemed better, I mean truly & remarkably better. We were able to talk more about things and also start dealing with his parents on a united front. He shares his feelings — not freely, but more. He’s more sensitive to my feelings. He stands up for me, which he never did. He makes quality time for me and our relationship has become the priority in his life.

    Until a few nights ago, when things erupted. During the day, he faced frustrations with work where he is extraordinarily talented, yet undervalued. This particular day hit him hard. Meanwhile, a recent communication with his mother was further hurting him. Through the day, he became more silent and withdrawn — the evening winded down with several snarky comments — and eventually erupted in a screaming tirade that scared me to the point, for the first time, that I thought he might hurt me. I stayed silent and curled in a ball, and he did leave slamming things through the house for the next half hour. Only when I left the bedroom the next morning did I realize he had punched a massive hole in our wall, destroyed the doorframe, broke a door handle, and punched a screw driver into the garage wall.

    I have avoided him since. I feel weak for not kicking him out or leaving myself. I feel ridiculous. The truth of why I don’t — I love the guy he is when he isn’t the monster. And I wish it was different. And I hate to close the door forever. I understand (I think) that his outburst had less to do with me, and more with the feelings of hurt, anger and frustration firstly from home and multiplied by some mirror experiences with work. But it was beyond any level of normal or acceptability.

    Now I’m trying to determine what to do. e.g., Does counseling ever really work — and is staying, while requiring him to get counseling, even worth considering? Or was the experience of the other night the one that crossed the final line? Before I could try to work through the emotional abuse (and I do, I stand up for things — and it’s hard but we tend to get there). But this was the first time I was honestly scared and I don’t know if trying any more is even a real option.

  36. Laurie says:

    Dear Charlotte,

    Your boyfriend may say he loves you, but he is treating you like a prisoner. Real love from a guy means support, respect, and trust. Your boyfriend doesn’t trust you, and is acting abusive. What you’re experiencing is emotional and mental abuse.

    Has he physically abused you — shoved, hit, slapped, or hurt you in other ways?

    You’re a smart 15 year old. You know you’re in a bad relationship – otherwise you wouldn’t have searched for the warning signs of bad relationships. You know your boyfriend isn’t good for you, and that you should leave him.

    My prayer for you is that you find the strength to leave. May you be infused with strength, clear thinking, wisdom, guidance, peace, determination, and the knowledge that YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED BETTER. You are too smart, beautiful, and good to be treated like this. I pray you realize how valuable and lovable you are, and that you know deep in your heart that you are worthy of a good man to love you and treat you right. Amen.

    Be well. Treat yourself well. Don’t be held down by your boyfriend.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  37. Charlotte says:

    My names charlotte and I am only 15, I have a boyfriend who I love very much! We are with each over every day. We met 9 months ago and I fell for him straight away but he messed me about, but I still was in love with him, about 3 months with been in love with him I slept with him that’s when he fell for me, but he made me change loads I’m now a different person, I don’t drink anymore, off drugs but there’s one thing that kills me, I’m not aloud to do anything! I have to stay in all the time he deleted all boys I had on Facebook, snapchat, my contacts and everything even though I wouldn’t cheat. If I don’t do what he says he will shout at me. I have no friends now I’m
    Stressing out as this is my last year at school I’ve had a hard up bringing but my mind is confused I need help –
    Is this love? Yes, no?
    Should I leave? Or should I go? Please help!

  38. Laurie says:

    Dear Carol,

    Even if you had read these warning signs of a bad relationship to your daughter, I suspect she wouldn’t have listened or broken up with her boyfriend. She might have just cut you out of her life earlier! Women don’t like to hear how “bad” our boyfriends or relationships are, even if we know they’re bad.

    Stay strong, and don’t lose faith in your daughter. She’ll find her way home to you. My prayer is that you find peace, and don’t let worry, fear, or concern overtake your life. I pray you are able to enjoy your life and live in the present, and have faith that your daughter will come back to you when she’s ready. In the meantime, try not to lose sleep or worry yourself sick over her. Your getting sick about her relationship won’t help her, it’ll only make things worse. Stay healthy, emotionally and physically. Be well.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  39. Carol says:

    Oh I wish I had found this to read to my daughter before she cut us out of her life. She is drowning in a bad and all consuming relationship with a man who is playing mind games with her. He has introduced her to drugs and isolated her from every friend and family member who has voiced a concern for her. She even admitted to several of us that she knows he will destroy her. My heart is broken snd there is nothing I can do.

    • helen says:

      Tell her you love her no matter what. Nothing you say will change her path because she isn’t hearing you and isn’t able to hear you. I am this daughter, and have now after 10 years reached my crossroad. If you constantly tell her you love her she will remember this and come back after her bad choices. I wish you and your daughter well. The way was not easy. She is unable to listen or hear you. It is not you, it is her partner. One day something will happen to her and she will hear. Just tell her you love her and you are there no matter what. She will come home. xx

  40. Laurie says:

    Dear Sara,

    You can’t control what happens to your boyfriend’s health or anxiety after you break up with him – or even when you’re in a relationship with him! You need to decide what’s best for you — as selfish as that may sound. If you’re unhappy with him, you can’t stay in a relationship out of guilt or fear of what could happen in the future. If you believe you and he would be better off not in a relationship, then you need to break up with him and learn how to deal with your feelings of guilt.

    Here’s an article on dealing with guilt after a breakup:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-stop-feeling-guilty-after-breaking-up-with-someone/

    The bottom line is that you need to listen to your heart. If you’re not meant to be with your boyfriend, then you need to trust yourself, and let him go. Be kind, loving and gentle. But, don’t carry the burden of feeling responsible for what he does or how he feels. He has to be an adult, just like you do.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  41. Laurie says:

    Dear Toni,

    Thank you for being here; you deserve to be loved, respected, and cared for! It sounds like you see your relationship clearly…it’s just a question of whether you’re able to take steps to change your life. It’s scary, but you might be happier in the long run.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  42. Sara says:

    Hi this is my first time having a biyfriend,i met him in university now its 5 months that we have been friends and i love him,he says he loves me so much,i do really care abt him but sth that bothers me is that he has panic attack disorder,it makes me upset and i feel pity for him,i want to break up with him because of that disease,but i cant i dont want to leave him alone on the other hand i dont have future with him,i dont know what to do,every day i wake up i think abt him and think abt that i will not love another guy because i love him so much,and again i think abt what if i break up with him and his disease get worst because of me? Plz help me i dont know what to do :((
    Thank so much
    My english is not so good sry abt that

  43. Toni says:

    I have been married for 13 yrs very abusive, my husband was an alcoholic , stayed out all night a lot, changed jobs a lot then went thru the pot times, never really sat an had a good conversation with me or ever took me on vacation nothing,. I call him and he ignores the phone, he will go out with friends an won’t answer the phone when I call. I don’t ask for diamonds an pearls I just want attention. I work very hard 60 hrs a week plus take care of the kids an house. Most recently he got a truck driving job so now I hardly see him . I don’t want to lose him but I also want to be treated like I mean something to someone.

  44. Laurie says:

    Dear Mander,

    It sounds like you and your partner have hit several of the warning signs of a bad relationship: addiction, different life goals, infidelity, and unhappy feelings about your relationship. But, it also sounds like you’re not ready to let him go, even though he doesn’t want another child and he doesn’t want to quit his addiction.

    So, it seems like you have two options: 1) keep going the way you are; or 2) ask him to leave, and figure out how to pay the bills and rent on your own.

    In a year from now, which option do you think you’d wish you had chosen?

    • Mander says:

      You’re right, I’m just having a hard time facing the truth, I love him with all my heart, but he’s I guess obviously not that in love with me anymore to want to respect me, and my beliefs. I am currently looking for FT work so I will be in a position to provide for my child and I when the time comes for him to go. In a year from now I’d like to see my life being put back together, and I want to also be mentally the best mom I can be, you don’t realize how your relationship effects your kids until it goes wrong and you see them suffering too, which breaks my heart.

      • Laurie says:

        Facing the truth of an unhealthy relationship is one of the most difficult things we have to do! It’s painful and so disappointing. I know. But in the long run, facing the truth – and paying close attention to the warning signs of a bad relationship as early as possible – is so much better in the long run. The sooner we face up to the pain and discomfort of leaving, the closer we are to happiness.

        But I also know it’s easier to say all this than actually do it, especially when kids are part of the picture.

  45. Mander says:

    I feel like I’m in such a bad place… I just don’t know what to do, I’ve been in a relationship for 8 years, not married( he’s afraid of commitment) and we have a 3year old. I met him at 17 he was 27 at work. After about a year he started talking to his ex-fiancé and broke up with me for about a week, to “try to get his head straight” he’s always been a drinker at times a very heavy drinker. In the beginning of our relationship we’ve gotten in physical fights, not anymore, because I just walk away instead of arguing with him. And just recently in January, I found out he’s been doing cocaine for the past 6 months and blew all our money, so we talked and I said if he ever did it again he would have to go, well he’s done it again and I’m just stuck in such a hard place. I’ve been a stay at home mom, he’s my income, we have so much debt, I do own this home we live in but if I said for him to leave I wouldn’t be able to afford it myself. I don’t want my son to grow up thinking it’s ok to do drugs or treat women with disrespect, I want him to have a good life. I also feel bad for my SO I feel like he needs me. He’s not a very affectionate person and I’m the opposite. I’m just so tired of his crap I feel like he doesn’t know what he wants anymore, and I feel he’s choosing drugs over his family, I’m also tired of not being able to talk to my friends or family because I’m so embarrassed about the situation. And I don’t know how I would live without seeing my son everyday all day, I’m so heartbroken. We’ve also been trying for another because I want more kids but he doesn’t, it’s taken me all these years to convince him to have another, but that’s now out of the question, I would never forgive myself if something happens to my baby because of his drug alcohol addiction. And now I can’t stop thinking about another guy that we’ve known for years,(he pursued me when my SO broke up with me for a week but I said no) what life would be like with him, and I feel bad that I can’t stop thinking about him. Any advice, I just am not thinking clearly anymore :(

  46. Laurie says:

    Hello Damita,

    Have you thought about what life would be like without him?

  47. Damita says:

    I have been in a relationship with my oldest children’s father for 2 1/2 years but we have dealt with each other for the past 13 years on and off. He says I don’t communicate but every time I say something to him about how I’m feeling I get shot down. He tells me it’s either stupid or he doesn’t care about so he doesn’t want to hear it so I shut down and won’t talk anymore. Yesterday we got into an argument and it has been ongoing today. Anytime I say something he doesn’t like he gets really angry and says some things that are really mean. He’s called me stupid, dumb, and everything but the child of God.
    Of course I love him a lot but I don’t like he feels the same about me. I’m at my end and I don’t know what to do.

  48. Laurie says:

    Hello Farah,

    It sounds like you are excessively dependent on your boyfriend, and not in control of your relationship or life. I think it’s important to let go of control in many situations, but I also believe we shouldn’t be so out of control that we feel like someone or something is oxygen to us.

    It also sounds like your boyfriend isn’t as committed to this relationship as you are. What could you do to ease off on it a little, and become more of your own person? How could you become a strong, independent, confident woman?

  49. Farah says:

    I have been in a relation with a guy for almost a year and 4 months at first he seemed like the perfect guy i can possibly dream of we stayed for 6 months absolutely happy it seemd like the perfect relation i was never happy like this and i started to think that he might be the one than i had to travel for university for 6 months and he was so supportive and he told we will make it i will come visit u and u’ll visit me we can do it in the early two months while i was abroad things were good than we had a fight and things started to change i found out that he is open to knew relations and since than things started going the bad way he changed he was mean he was distant busy all the time until later on i found out that got back with his ex girlfriend nit only he got back to her but he was planing on marrying her all of that happened in less than a month i got crazy it was one of the hardest thing i ever went through in my life i was simply dying alone in a different country and he tried to contact me many times to apologize to tell me that he still loves and that he had to go back to his ex for her own sack and that he was trying to protect her from another guy and that he made a mistake by telling her that he will marry her and he regrets it right now, and he still loves me i did not believe him if course i hared him so much i just wanted to get him out of my system and he kept contacting my family to check on me and he said that he destroyed his own life he does not want to destroy mine after he found out that i am seeing another guy he tried so much to get in contact with me to tell me that he still loves me he eventually broke up with his ex and started talking to me back to get back together the thing is at the time i was still in love with him and still very much in pain over what he did and the things he said when i returned back to my country he asked to see me so he would clarify everything and the reasons why he made that move and i wanted to know as well so i met him and we started talking again he apologized and said he would never hurt me ever again and he blamed the fact that we were a part and that we started fighting and that he never wanted his girlfriend he was just looking for care i gave him another chance not because he deserve it but because i still had feelings for him i needed to know to get to the bottom of everything because he is the man that i ever truly loved we started dating again he tried to win my trust again which to me seemed Impossible because my trust is very hard to earn and now i feel very insecure about him every small mistake he does reminds me of the pain i suffered because of him and personally i feel that is doing a very good job he still acts like a total idiot sometimes, sometimes i feel that i am wasting my time but than i remember his love and my love and i say no we belong together i feel like our relation is unstable i think he broke something huge inside me i don’t know if he is capable of doing things but, i want him to reassure me his love again to feel that if we worked on this we can get there but instead he is criticizing me and acting like a jerk And telling me that i have hard character and it makes me feel more insecure like i m not good enough for him , and some other time he tells me that i am the perfect girl that he has been dreaming of and that he wants us to be together and that we will get married yet he never introduced me to his parents yet i think he is still insecure about our relation too and is afraid of his parents judgement since we come from different cultures i feel deep in my heart like something is not right and i don’t know if i am doing the right thing by staying together with him he is super supportive super loving caring but he has these moments that i don’t understand like his parents thing that he told me he is working on but i am doubting it these moments when i feel like i m not what he is exactly looking for in a girl and that he might be thinking some stuff over even though i really try my best to make it work he never holds my hand in public as if we are a couple he talks about “my” life not “our” life and these things just make me so worried and insecure and uncomfortable and i am afraid that he might leave me at some point when he is no longer emotionally attached and i would be again sitting there picking up the peaces of my heart it s really painful for me to leave him right i m still very much emotionally attached to him sometimes i feel like he is my oxygen and i don’t want to be so vulnerable and so dependent on him it scares me so much plz any opinions would help

  50. Laurie says:

    Hi Kayla,

    How old are you and your boyfriend? Sometimes when guys are young, they don’t know how to act around their friends when their girlfriend is around. Sometimes they feel they have to play it cool.

    What does your boyfriend say when you tell him how you feel?

  51. Laurie says:

    Dear Sarah,

    I don’t have any answers for you, but I do have lots of questions! Have you talked to a counselor about how you are coping with your boyfriend? It sounds like he is manipulating and controlling you, as well as abusing you physically.

    Who says love will forgive anything? Would you forgive him if he abused your daughter?

    Are the good times you have together worth the pain and suffering he causes you and your daughter?

    • Sarah says:

      My boyfriend needs help. He has issues that come from his childhood and I can see that he wants to change. What in asking is if it is the right thing to abandon him or help him? Him hurting any of my children would make me leave in a heartbeat. But they have never witnessed any fights or arguments. He has been a great father to them.

      • Laurie says:

        Dear Sarah,

        It’s a very difficult decision, and whichever choice you make will involve pain. If you stay with your boyfriend, will he do the work he needs to do to heal? Will he get healthy and deal with his childhood issues? I don’t know. I don’t think you or even he knows the answer to that. But, I do know that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

        If you leave him, I’m not sure I agree that you’re “abandoning” him. He is not a child or a puppy. When you kick kids or dogs out on the street, you’re abandoning them. When you decide that a relationship is no longer working for you – or if you can no longer tolerate the unhealthiness of it – then you’re making a decision that is good and healthy for you. A breakup is not an abandonment — and people who are unhealthy will try to manipulate you into believing it is.

        Good, healthy decisions for you and your child aren’t easy. Sometimes the most difficult decision is the right one.

        The reason I encourage you to talk to a counselor is so that you can figure out what boundaries (eg, what you’re responsible for, and what your boyfriend is responsible for). You are not responsible for your boyfriend, his health, his emotional stability, or his healing. You are responsible for YOUR health, future, child, and choices. It sounds like you’re confused about how to love him, and I believe talking this sort of stuff through with a counselor is the best way to find the answer that is already in you.

        I can’t tell you what the right thing to do is. But whatever you decide to do, make sure you have support. If you decide not to talk to a counselor, then talk to a wise trustworthy person. Surround yourself with people you respect, who can help you find the decision that is inside you.

        Does this make sense? I encourage you to keep writing, here or somewhere else. I won’t tell you what to do – nobody should tell you what to do! – but I’m happy to listen. I also encourage you to read books about healthy love relationships — and a book called Boundaries. It’s important to know where you end and where your boyfriend begins.

        xo
        Laurie

    • Kayla says:

      My bf says he likes me but he don’t hold my hand or put his arm around me he just b hugging me n wen we around ppl he acts like I’m not really there n I do like him n we just started going out last week but he spends to much time wit his friends than wit me n wen we’re alone he wants to b all buddy buddy wit me n he pays attention to me wen I’m mad idk wat to do but ik that I wanna b wit him

  52. Sarah says:

    I have been with my boyfriend with 3 years and we have a one yr old together. We have been through many problems. Well it’s more like I have dealt with many problems created by him. He has thrown me out of our home over a misunderstanding. He has put his hands on me on more than one occasion. He has cheated. And every single time I have tried leaving him he would cry and begg me to forgive him. I love him so much and I am so hurt with him. But I believe him every time he swears he loves me and will never hurt me again. The last time I tried leaving he said he was going to kill himself because he was dead without me. He is currently going to counseling…and we can have so much fun together and we even like a lot of the same things. When is it time to give up? They say love will forgive anything.

  53. Laurie says:

    Thanks for your feedback, Not Important! I’m glad to hear from you. These warning signs of a bad relationship are geared towards women, because the majority of my readers are women.

    I don’t think it’s always the man’s fault, and believe any of these signs of bad relationships can be applied to both men and women. It works both ways.

  54. Laurie says:

    Dear Beverley,

    It sounds like you’re in such a bad relationship, but you have no way to leave. You’re financially dependent on him. Have you talked to anyone about leaving him? Friends, family, social services, etc?

  55. Not important says:

    Came across your site looking for information on bad relationships and Imediately doubted the validity of any information after reading the second paragraph wherein you accuse the “boyfriend “or “husband” of wrong doing in the relationship. I guess it’s always the mans fault hah what a joke

  56. Laurie says:

    Tiffany,

    It sounds like you’ve been dealing with alot of grief, stress, loss, and difficulties. It’s piling up, and it may feel like you’re all alone. It sounds like you do feel like you’re all alone, and that can be a sad, lonely place to be.

    I don’t think you mentioned friends – do you have any friends you can call, who can help you figure out what to do next? You said you can’t tell your family about how bad your relationship is…but sometimes friends can be even more helpful than family.

    I don’t know where you live, or what resources you’re able to tap into. Some cities and communities have services for women, and can even offer shelter and help finding a permanent housing option.

    Another option is to call the local churches. Many offer brief help and support to families in distress.

    I wish I could be more helpful, but all I can do is encourage you to reach out and call as many organizations as possible. Help IS out there…it just needs you to dig it up.

    I’m here to listen, if you want to share how you’re doing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  57. tiffany says:

    Ill try to make this short as possible but descriptive as possible. I need help. I am lost. You see I’ve with this same man for 8 yrs and he’s an alcoholic. Over years his verbal/mental abuse started to increase as much as his drinking. Yet I kept on chugging through as I loved him to pieces. Then he became physical. Once when I was preggo with my last child. I blew it off. Finally got a job, started saving money, had goals for myself and my oldest who is 13 was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. This broke things even more and he laid his hands on me two more times, has control of me, is up my butt wondering who/what/when/where,, etc I’m at nearly all times. Blames me for my sons cancer. Tells me I’m an awful parent as I choose to be 1.5 hours away with him over my other 3 children. etc., etc. I know I need to leave even though I know he loves me and the children (but not enough to stop drinking) but he has such control of me, and with my son current health issue it seems like nobody is willing it help me. I have no money, no job, his mom has control of our savings, my van (which is needed for transportation for my son to hospitals) loan is cosigned by his mom. My family doesn’t know as they will make my problems 10x worse. I tried calling DV to help..but they too told me they can help but I’m going to have to leave my kid alone while i stay home to help with court, etc. My head is in pieces and I dont know what to do.

    • beverley Thompson says:

      God I feel for you. I to am in a verbal/ physical relationship with a young child. I feel so alone. I wouldn’t be able to financially survive without him and he knows this. There are days when I don’t think I can take another hour of this life I’m living. Sending my love to you and your kids.

  58. Laurie says:

    Dear Broken,

    I’m sorry it didn’t help you to write here. It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation – you aren’t in a good relationship, and your husband won’t let you leave without your children.

    Have you talked to the embassy, or sought help from a counselor there? Is it true that you can’t leave without your children? I don’t know the laws there, or anything about your situation. But, I do believe that even in the worst situations, we have more options than we think.

    Is it possible to call your embassy, or get help from someone who knows about the law?

  59. Laurie says:

    Mr Stuck Wishing for Happiness,

    These warning signs of a bad relationship are for both women and men, but I write for women primarily. I’m sorry you feel like I’m demonizing men.

    I’m very sorry that you’re in an unhealthy relationship. I wish you all the best, and hope you’re able to find happiness somehow.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  60. Steve says:

    Have been in a “toxic” relationship for months now…she was married 3 times..4 kids and is never wrong. She also refuses to discuss and comprise on issues. Says she will never change. Leave or stay?

  61. broken says:

    I’ve been married for over 15 years to someone who never really loved me. Most of that time, I’ve spent trying to be who he thought I should be, instead of being myself. But now Im just tired. I have come to the conclusion that he will NEVER love me for who I am. The problem is that I can’t leave him because of my children. I made a huge mistake of moving to saudi arabia with him 10 years ago and now if I leave (which he has made clear that he doesn’t care if I do) it would have to be without my children. I thought that by writing this I would somehow feel a little better, but I don’t. I just wish that my life could be different but its not. and there’s nothing i can do but keep breathing for the sake of my children.

    • Steve says:

      At a certain point you must weigh the long and short term effect on you and the children. Will you and they be emotionally harmed more by staying or leaving? Tough choices and even tougher times ahead but lots of US survive it and flourish. God bless

  62. Laurie says:

    The most important sign of a bad relationship is how you feel when you’re with your partner, and when you’re not with him. Do you feel insecure, lost, sad, unhappy, and alone? Those are warning signs, given by your own body!

  63. jennifer tyus says:

    Oh Laurie thankyou i see your response to my other question.

  64. Laurie says:

    Dear Jennifer,

    I’m not sure what the signs are of sex addiction — but if your boyfriend’s interests make you feel uncomfortable, then you need to set boundaries. If he wants it too much, or in ways that don’t feel good to you, then you need to be honest with him.

    If your boyfriend doesn’t listen to you, then it’s definitely a sign of a bad relationship! He has to listen and compromise, especially when it’s about something so personal and intimate.

    Whether or not he’s addicted doesn’t matter. It’s how you feel in your relationship that matters. Do you feel respected, loved, and honored?

  65. jennifer tyus says:

    Thankyou Laurie for your advice from yesterday. I will take in concern what you’ve told me. I’m living with him now , its been 4 weeks now. If we continue to ague and have physical fights i will leave him alone. We have spoke alot , he knows if it continues i will leave him alone. Also what are the signs that a man is addictive to having sex with me ? If he is addictive to having sex with me should i be concern?

  66. Laurie says:

    Thanks for your comments, Patricia!

    I agree, it’s not ideal that my articles don’t address specific circumstances. They’re more general, magazine-type articles that cover a broad range of people and situations.

    Every family and relationship is unique. It sounds like your partner and his family doesn’t accept you for who you are, even though you’ve tried really hard to get them to accept you.

    Maybe there’s nothing you can do to get them to accept you. Maybe no matter who you are or what you do, you’ll always be someone in their minds that they just can’t welcome into the family. That’s sad, but unfortunately there’s not much you can do to change who people are.

    Are you happy in this relationship?

  67. Patricia says:

    It worries me that these articles do not address different circumstances and make blank statements. I am with a man that does not accept me. If he had to go by your advice, he should leave me. However, the truth, is that they are very conservative and they can’t accept he divorced his previous wife, even though I met him years after their divorce. They treat me like I don’t exist. I’ve done EVERYTHING to be accepted by them to no avail. I also know people that will sabotage their friends’ partnerships because they are jealous. So, friends’ and family’s opinion of someone’s partner is not something that should guide you in your decision or even feelings about your relationship.

  68. Laurie says:

    Dear Natalie,

    Thank you for sharing your insights and wisdom here! It sounds like you’ve done alot of work in counseling, getting to know yourself and your patterns better. I admire and respect how far you’ve come, and I believe you’ll meet a man who treats you the way you deserve.

    I didn’t want your comments to get buried under the new ones, so I posted them here:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/reasons-why-women-get-involved-with-the-wrong-men/

    Thank you again – I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  69. natalie says:

    I am currently leaving my second terrible long term relationship. I was previously with a man for 2 years who was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. I was very addicted to the cycle with him and at times I can say I truly loved him and his ‘good side’.

    I spent a year and a half seeking counseling, medication, and self-help/personal development books to get back to normal after the end of that nightmare. I am STILL not over that man. He was also my first love and real boyfriend, at age 19-21 so that played a factor.

    By the time I met my recent ex, I was 22 and had revitalized my self esteem and life. So what happened? I was instantly attracted to this man. I ignored every warning sign, my friend and family’s advice. I absolutely lost myself in the relationship. I was completely distracted from school, work, everything. This man was also verbally, physically, and emotionally abusive. He recently showed up at my house out of nowhere and threatened to kill himself on my front lawn. I had to call the cops, he ended up in a psych ward. Now he’s saying it’s all MY fault he is there and that he was ‘never serious’ about hurting himself. He also said that I am the cause of all the problems in his life even though he has been like this his entire life.

    I often wonder how young, motivated, SMART woman get involved with these guys. There are a lot of reasons and factors – many of which are from our childhood. Also, following patterns and not breaking cycles or being aware of them.

    To other women reading this – I finally realized after seeing this person blame ME for his suicide attempt, even though I had barely spoken to him in weeks – that their behaviors are their own and you can’t be held responsible. You are beautiful. You are smart. You are lovely. Do not reduce yourself to a low self esteem, unhappy, shade of a woman. You are worth so much more than that. Sending love and prayers. If you’re a man and reading this, if someone is abusing you, it’s the same deal – you are worth it, you are loved, and you don’t deserve it.

  70. Laurie says:

    Hello Valenina,

    It sounds like you’ve been through a lot with your boyfriend! And I suspect you’re recognizing that your relationship has some of the warning signs in my article.

    How are you coping with your feelings? I hope it helped to express them here…but how do you cope with the stress, frustration, and pain you feel?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  71. Valenina says:

    Well, I have this problem. I met my boyfriend in 2007 and been together every since. When I first met him, I was attracted to him because he loved his mother so much. So every place that we have gone to, I paid for it. He is a disable veteran age 47 and I was 21 or 22 at that time. BUT like I was saying I was paying for the hotel, dinner, our outings, because he said his mother was taking his check…um, I notice change in him when I got pregnant with our first child. During my first pregnancy, when he was actually getting his check, he’ll give me money then he would disappear at time maybe 2 or 3 days. Then when he come back, he’ll be broke.

    Ok, when I delivered my baby, you are required to spend 2 or 3 day in the hospital. Well, i had my baby at 4 in the morning, and he found out I receive a check from my school, he put my clothing on me and took me out the hospital to cash my check. I really don’t remember all what occurred that day because I was on meds. However, he brought me back before anyone can notice, and he was gone. I didn’t see him like 5 days later. He cause me to lose 2 jobs. One job, I let him borrow my car and he took me to work across town. When I got off at 11 pm, he never showed back up, so I was stranded. I had to pay $40 for a taxi. He told a bunch of lies to his folks saying my mom call the police on him. So he came back about a week later and I think it was a month later when I contracted and STD. I really think he is a drug user, and know he recovers years ago from the same issue. The next time I contracted a STD I was pregnant with my second child. He lies to my face all the time……..he doesn’t listen, he always thinking someone putting things in my head. Let me remind you, we have 2 small kids…..He always leave to go help his friends, and when I ask him to let do thing together as a family….HE WILL SAY, WE DON”T HAVE MONEY NOR GAS. And now all he do is wait on a phone call….when his boys call he is gone…….maybe for 8 hours or to the next morning. I am really getting tired, and I am considering to leave him and move out of town with my kids. …He haves the nerves to say I wont cook or clean….but he’s not running behind 2 kids, I AM…..and he can’t work….

  72. Laurie says:

    Sarah,

    Did you see the comment someone left for you on the article I wrote for you? I couldn’t have said it better!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  73. Laurie says:

    Becca,

    You sound like such a caring, loving mother and wife! Your husband is taking you for granted. Worse, he’s treated you terribly — you deserve better than that!

    I wrote this article for you – don’t be fooled by the title!

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/how-to-make-your-husband-love-you/

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  74. Laurie says:

    Dear Sarah,

    Thank you for being here, and for sharing your story. I really appreciate your honesty and courage.

    No, I don’t think it’s normal for a boyfriend to go into a sulk if you eat a chocolate bar…but I suspect there are other things going on! It’s not just the chocolate bar, is it?

    The trick is to figure out what the underlying issue is. Is he being unreasonable about your weight gain? I believe your fears and concerns are valid, and you need to pay attention to them! Don’t ignore your feelings, because they’re giving you important clues to the future of your marriage.

    I wrote this article for you:

    http://theadventurouswriter.com/quipstipsrelationships/will-you-love-me-if-i-gain-weight/

    Let me know what you think.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  75. sarah says:

    Most of the time we get on great.. but I find it difficult to deal with the mood swings, he can totally go in a sulk if I am eating a bar or chocolate… is this normal? He us sensitive helpful kind generous thoughtful loving, and I do love him SO SO much.. BUT WILL THIS WEIGHT ISSUE KILL OUR RELATIONSHIP IN THE FUTURE? What if I gain while pregnant.. so worried.. I’m freaked out… I thought maybe he has a touch if depression as his mum suffers from it badly… I am not in a good place my self esteem is rock bottom and I can’t stop crying.. work is also crazy stressful right now

  76. sarah says:

    I am engaged to my fiance and we are to get married next year.. I am having doubts whether he loves me it not..:(
    He has changed he is moody and withdrawn and often silent..
    We have had many many talks arguments and discussions about my weight, I gained 3 stone when I quit cigarettes and then I lost it.. he says he seen how fabuous I looked when I lost weight, unfortunately I gained maybe 1 stone,

  77. Becca says:

    I will be married to my husband two years in Aug. We have a beautiful baby girl. A new home. everything we have strived for. My husband has totally changed since. We have not been romantic in months. He puts me down on a regular basis, makes me feel unworthy of his presence especially when other people are around. I try every day extremely hard just to get his attention and to make him happy in any way that I can. Im truly broken. I now see, no matter how much you love someone you cant make that person love you back. My heart just bleeds for my child. I dont want to tear her family apart but I dont feel like i deserve a life of constant hurt! Totally lost and confused. I love him with all of my heart and its just not enough.

    • anonymous says:

      So sorry to read of your sadness and stress that should not be present in a place (home) such as your comfort zone. Could you please give an update on whats transpired since last years post. Would be greatly appreciated, more than you’ll ever know… Thx

  78. Laurie says:

    Dear Alessandro,

    I’m glad you’re leaving your relationship, because a woman who says things like that to you doesn’t deserve you! Those aren’t loving words, and the sooner you get out of that relationship, the better.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you know that you deserve a woman who loves and cares for you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  79. Laurie says:

    The last 4 or 5 comments have been from men – I didn’t write this article specifically for women. Since I’m a woman, I tend to gear my articles towards women. But I believe the tips apply to human beings in general. Can’t men and women benefit from the same article on bad relationships — and the same comments section?

    Maybe it would be helpful for men and women to see each other’s perspectives by talking.

    But to answer your question, Jarrod, I don’t know of any websites specifically for men and their relationships. I’m sure they exist; I’m just not aware of them.

  80. alessandro says:

    Hi everyone, Ive just decided to leave an unhealthy relationship with a woman who made me feel bad about my past experiences,
    she was not telling me the whole truth about the problems she had, and at one stage she even told me that I’d have no chance in getting another girlfriend, because I didn’t have what it takes..

  81. Northern_Guy says:

    When the author says “accept you as you are” does that mean “as you are” or “what you’ve let” yourself become?

    I’ll go to the most extreme example. She goes from a size 2 to a size 10. Who’s being unreasonable? Her allowing herself to become obese? Or him losing attraction to someone who became obese?

    Sorry – but “love me no matter how bad I let myself go” is WAY too far of a stretch.

    Also, women who shut off the sex machine and expect the husband to be both HAPPY and FAITHFUL are just deluded idiots too…

  82. Jarrod says:

    Well I typed in Google “signs of a good or bad relationship and came to your site……seems like great advice but I’m a man and it appears the advise is predetermined as only for women. I need help as a man where can I find it?

    • Mr. Stuck wishing for happiness says:

      Yeah I found this article through a Google search also and thought it was unfair to say the least that you demonized men and then riddiculed a man by say he is “afraid” to be alone.
      I’m in a bad relationship and engaged and I stay because I worry about her and will become of her without me being here to care for her.
      Funny how women like to point fingers and say “bad, bad, bad” but never look in the mirror and think “I’m doing bad, bad, bad and making wrong and bad decisions”.
      Today I started looking for love online because I feel so unloved. I feel I deserve better than all of this. I’m probably won’t and bad, bad, bad though huh.

      • Robert says:

        You’re not letting your fiance live a happy life, nor are you showing any signs of caring for her are deciding to stay because you’re co-dependent. Neither of you will have A chance at happiness if you are focusing on caring for the other more than yourself. Plus you’re being selfish going online, get real and find a therapist who will help you learn how u forgot to love yourself. You wont find that on the internet.

  83. Bad Relationship says:

    Great tips. It seems like common sense to look for these signs yet people repeat these behaviors time and again. Perhaps the key is to do something different (and positive) and stick to it until it becomes the new way of doing things.

  84. conrad says:

    also to add… it was her sister..

  85. conrad says:

    hi all.. im a man with my whole life in a mess.. i did this to myself.. i have 3 kids… 9yrs now workin on rebuilting trust but seems way to far

  86. Laurie says:

    I love the advice about being self-sufficient! It’s so important to retain some independence in your marriage, even if you are totally secure and certain it’ll last forever.

    Another really important tip is to get as emotionally and spiritually healthy as possible. If you’re grounded and stable, you can cope with a bad relationship…and possibly even turn these warning signs around, and make them the basis of a better, stronger marriage or partnership!

  87. Silk and sandpaper says:

    Hi, been married 21 years, 4 kids, all boys, been a stay at home mom, two youngest are still in elementary school. I’ve felt trapped for a long time, emotionally abused, disrespected, unloved and taken advantage of. It’s been really bad living with someone who blatantly shows no love or caring. I don’t want to bore you will all the events but the last straw was a month ago sitting alone crying in my car after I had my uterus biopsied, in pain, when he promised he would be there with me. These times have been too many. I beg to be touched, when I talk to him he turns and walks away, he’s turned the tv up too. We’ve been to 2 marriage therapists but he won’t do the work. I know I want out, he knows I’m stuck, staying home all these years I have no job and no skills.no where to go. So I stay, living a silent life, my own hell. And it continues , it really hit me when i read, if I had a daughter would I want her to have my marriage, there’s no way! Unfortunately,I have no family. To my fellow sisters , pls pls pls, make yourselves self-sufficient, don’t allow someone to take care of you.

  88. A says:

    Hello. I have been in my relationship for the past 11 years. During all that time my boyfriend (and father of 3 children) has been using (all sorts of things). Early on in our relationship, he cheated on me. We broke up for a while but I ended up getting pregnant and we started to have kids and because of my background, I didn’t want my kids growing up without their father because all mine did was send money to support me. I have used over a time to, but have grown tired of it and I now have health issues so I have decided to stop completely over a year and a half ago because I got a government job and was tired of spending money on something that only lasted a short time and my kids are WAY MORE IMPORTANT (not due to my using- due to problems I have had that never got checked while growing up) Anyways, to make a very long story short, my boyfriend has no parental rights to his first child because he could not stop using and because my family (my side) is crap and has done everything to get my kids taken from me, I no longer talk to them. But my story is I am told daily how I NEED TO CHANGE, HOW MY ATTITUDE IS BAD (I have thyroid problems right now as well) and how I took him away from his best friend (which is a girl) he had made. He constantly says we are not a couple and he doesn’t trust me. But then in the same instance, with his mom knowing what was going on and still continuing to enable him, says that she will make sure that my kids are taken from me. This is not right so I have started to formulate my plan to get out WITH MY CHILDREN. They have seen too much that they don’t need to see and I have worked too hard to lose them, especially to someone I have supported staying home for the last 8 years because he could not hold down a job. I, on the other hand, have always been able to work but continued to enable him as well because during our relationship, I waited a while to get back and when he was treating me badly, I decieded that was the time (before our 3rd child was born, he cheated more then once before we had children while I lived with him and his parents). I had been working so much and he would play his video games for up to 12 hours a day. He’s not as bad now but he just recently quit using because we had to move back home due to my family going back on their word and being crap to me. So I basically have no other support. But since we have been home, I have been constantly told that I have already lost him, he’s not exclusive to me, that he wants to go out and screw some hot girl, but would involve taking MY VEHICLE I PAID FOR AND IS IN MY NAME. He does not have a license right now. But then when his mother threatened to take MY CHILDREN, that’s when I decided I have had enough. Since we had our falling out almost 5 years ago, it has been a constant battle and its not fair for my kids to have to be witness to it. I guess I am looking for advice on what else to do or how to formulate my plan without anyones knowledge. I am so tired of hurting and feeling bad and feeling like I do nothing right. He gets annoyed easily at me over small things and goes off to make calls to this girl at times or exchanges emails and texts constantly. I have been denying it for a while but I think he’s in love with her because he calls her his best friend. Am I wrong to think that I should be??? I am prepared to fight for my children because I have held a job, had a roof over their head, taken them to doctors appointments, dental, surgeries that have been needed and so on. Her son has no rights to his first born, she is ALL MINE!

  89. Laurie says:

    Carolyn,

    Thank you so much for encouraging us to get out of bad relationships and into healthy ones! I really appreciate your taking the time to comment, and I know readers will be inspired and motivated by you.

    I am so glad you are in a healthy, happy relationship now :-)

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  90. Carolyn says:

    This is so heartbreaking to read about all you lovely women who love their men so. I hope it works out for you. I’ve had some horrible, horrible, horrible men that I loved too much, but I’m in such a wonderful relationship now, it restores your belief that yes, it is heartbreaking to leave the present and launch into the unknown and be more selective in finding a calmer guy with a good reputation, but it’s worth it. Move on, move on. Occasional love is no good, my guy treats me right ALL the time now, he is attentive to my every word or he stays at home if I need him that bad. He used to drink and get mean and I said it’s the drink or me. Choose. Then I left for a long while and I guess he missed me.

  91. Laurie says:

    Dear Melanie,

    I’m glad you’re not alone. I’m sorry your relationship isn’t great, but hope you gain strength and courage by knowing that other women are struggling with the same relationship issues!

    A relationship is only “bad” when neither partner is willing to work on it, and make changes. If both partners can see their mistakes and patterns of communicating and relating, and if they’re open to making their relationship better, then their love can be revived. It can even be better!

    The problem is that working on a relationship is hard, and takes time and energy.

  92. Melanie says:

    I don’t know if anyone who comments ever comes back to see what others post afterwards but if “KIM” comes back…your comment hit so close that i could have written it, at one point, I thought “why don’t I remember writting this?” ….I didn’t think anyone would be going through the EXACT same thing as me !!!! wow !

  93. Laurie says:

    Dear Kim,

    Toyota is funny :-) Don’t you wish you could pry open his brain and see what’s going on inside? It’s hard to communicate with a guy who doesn’t say what he’s feeling or thinking. And, it’s hard to live in uncertainty.

    Have you tried asking him about how he feels? Maybe tell him how it makes you feel when he pushes you away, without blaming or accusing him.

  94. Kim says:

    ***i have no clue why auto correct choose Toyota lol it’s suppose to say “toss up”

  95. Kim says:

    I have no clue anymore, I have some of these problems sometimes, it’s like a Toyota in my house. I just wish it wasn’t so hard. Sometimes I think I have the best of the best, he works hard, is an amazing dad, and is pretty dang sexy…lol but other time I feel like things are so hard. I am a very affectionate person by nature, the first thing I want to do each morning is love and kiss my husband, but he is either up and out of bed playing on his iPad already or he moves away from me or gets annoyed at my touches or kisses. It’s like everyday he’s a good guy, but everyday I don’t feel good enough for him to share an intamit bond with, we have sex every couple weeks and its good sex but emotionally I feel like its just happening because I ask so much. I have tried going periods where I just laid off and didn’t ask for any emotional or physical attention but it turns out if I don’t ask nothing happens. I love this man with all my heart I just feel so, empty and unsure of what’s next. I would give anything to have his love and affection again. It was great when I had it.

  96. Laurie says:

    Dear elizabeth,

    I don’t know if there is any way a relationship “should” be. Different couples live with different types of communication styles, habits, norms, etc.

    The question is: “Are you happy in your relationship and life the way it is right now?”

  97. elizabeth says:

    my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 year we been through a lot ! Now its just us with 4 kids .we harley go any where when we do I notice we don’t talk , he don’t go out with friend when we go to any of my families house hes quit doesn’t say hi and if I tell him something he say he didn’t hear them , his body language tell a lot but he says just cuz I’m not smiling or saying anything I’m mad then some time he get mad cuz I ask that . He act like that with me at home too . He don’t trust me and I can’t trust him . I want to go back to school cause I’m tired of living week by week and no support there I don’t go out I have no friends . I barley see my family when I do I get home and he has that awkward face again , I need a break and he always say why. Is this how it should be ?

  98. Laurie says:

    Dear SMTG,

    If you let money keep you in a bad relationship, then you’ll never leave.

    It’ll be difficult to support yourself if you leave your husband…and life is difficult with him!

    Which difficulty would you rather live with for the rest of your life?

  99. SMTG says:

    I am with my husband for 6 years and married for 4. We have just had another row – a constant in our relationship. I constantly feel sad, low and unloved. Sex happens about three times a year, since we stopped trying for a baby (which I now realize is good for any potential child we would have had!) and I am constantly watching what I say. When I let my guard down I say something and he attacks. I am constantly anxious and angry with him. Most of the time I think I hate him, but if he is nice to me at all, the love I initially felt returns. I should have seen the signs – he has no friends at all (and thinks that is normal), only one previous girlfriend before me (and he was in his mid 30s when I met him), weird relationship with his family, secretive. When we were about 6 months together we went on our first holiday and he attacked me (verbally) for interupting him when we were talking to someone and this has been a constant. He says he cannot trust me, that he cannot talk to me as I argue with him, that I have issues (who hasn’t?) but will not accept that he might be part of the problem – it is all down to me. About 6 months ago he told me he never wanted to marry me although he got down on one knee to ask me! It is since then that I realised that I had made a huge mistake. I waited until my 40s to marry and now here I am.
    However, we are in a predicament – we owe a fortune and own three properties in negative equity. I am working part-time for myself and we really struggle. I think I want to seperate but I can’t survive without his income – I don’t know what to do, and would appreciate some advice. The only positive is that there are no children involved.

  100. minny says:

    every last one of these signs r my relationship.

  101. Abigail says:

    this is for anyone that is in a bad relationship or doesnt feel right about it well heres how my relationship is going k well today he didnt talk to me like he thinks its fine because i never told him how i felt and i just dont know how to solve this like he just wont make a move and if you agree that all men sholud make the maove and not the women please post your thoughts and that isint all we have been dating for 17 monts and he hasaent told me ge loves me or anthing i feel lke we are just friends and not even a couple anymore

  102. christina says:

    for all the under age on this site,under age twenty 21,7 days is not a relationship,children haveing an raising children is to young to even know about life or love,children raising children an trying to have an adult relationship with another child,these relationships rarley work out because you are to young.life experience helps you to mature,this means before you have children learn to care for your self first,pay your own rent,buy your own car,pay your electric,water,insurance,find a job that has medical insurance for your self an pay your medical bills,once you know how to care for your self then you can begin to care for another,this is difficult an i know people in their 50’s who haven’t learned how to do this on there their own an because they don’t know how to care for them selves they had children an those children are unable to do for them selves. create live that isn’t a drain on society.

  103. JB says:

    I tick at least half of those boxes. My problem is not that I am scared of being alone… I am scared of being without someone I love very deeply. I love him so much but I don’t believe this is a healthy, happy relationship. What should I do?

  104. chris60 says:

    Good relationships are difficult to achieve and require some skill and effort. Times have changed, and people often tend to test run sexual and personal compatibility before offering commitment. The emphasis on sexual intimacy tends to blur the picture and create confusion. once sex enters then logic tends to depart and it can take a while to realise whether the two of you are suited. Likewise, the rules of dating and relationships have changed to the point where young men hit on older women as a source of income and sexual release. By middle age many people are reluctant to risk being hurt again after a failed marriage and the chances of finding a suitable partner without collateral damage diminishes. Be clear about who you are and what you want and try to find someone who matches your wish list instead of trying to change someone into someone they are not. Work on yourself first… and this may increase your chance of having a healthy adult relationship.

  105. Shani says:

    I have been in a relationship w my boyfriend for 9 months he has been a great father to my 8 year old son and the best man I have ever had really. I am 27 and he is 23 says he wants a family all the same values but always felt he was too young to feel that way! He wants to spend every second w me does not go out or go anywhere fot that matter by hiself other than to wotk! I recently found the dating site we met on log n to my phone it popped up a couple times and decided to put a password I knew he wuld use sure thing got in. the whole 9 months was conversations how he moved to fl w me from al lookin to meet friends he lives w his girl but u know how relationships r blah blah. I was so hurt and baffled cus this whole relationship he has accused me and ive put 1000 % and whole time it was him. He denys it says it was his brother using his page but its a lie u sign in from my internet so no way that would be locked in the username? Im no dummy every other man has done the same I was w my sons father for 8 yrs he did the same and had a child w another woman. Im so hurt cus I thought this was the one I truly found. How u could b so caring loveable nothing ive never had and be devious just like the rest. Im a great woman cook clean rub his feet back have a great sex take care of any need he wouldnt have to look for in the street. I just dont understand where things went wrong w now or past! Is it me? Or all men jus cheat get bored? I asked him to just be real make me feel better was it pire entertainment? I jus dont really feel in my heart he acted out on this but I do believe it was him on the messages talkin

  106. fayedav says:

    If your husband goes behind your back and takes a woman 400 to her work without asking the wife her letting her know. years later says it is because she got a divorce, yes, she had a job. Also he stuck hundreds of dollars down the jeans pocket of female worker. ask for same waitress gave her 100 at one time, just he and a kid was eatting, vey little, he gave her large tips after that too. He says it was helping them out. one he gave 40o, one about 1200, other no telling but think several hundred. What do you think, was he just helping. Forgot to mention the 400 woman he went to church with and called her couple of times after church, to talk bout a grandchild of his and the woman doesn’t even know the parents.he doesn’t give her the money at church, he goes by her work to give it. please give me your opinion as to whys,

  107. Allcala says:

    Wow! Let’s get this straight. First off if you’re 16 and you cheated on your boyfriend numerous times then you really should just slit your wrists. Remember up and down not side to side. If you weren’t so busy giving mouth parties to Johnny, Joe, and Jimmy maybe you would of had more time to concentrate on your spelling.
    Conversely to those of you who say, “My husband / boyfriend is always bothering me for sex and he is always in a foul mood, well duh!. You make it out to be such an ordeal. How about just giving him head or handjob for 5 minutes. If it takes longer than that then you’re doing it wrong. Don’t acted suprised if he disinterested in you. If your beloved dog died and won’t play fetch or stinks of death, then you’re not going to keep feeding or petting it.
    If you’re with a man that is married or has a drug problem, well you are a loser as well. So quit trying to find sympathy for the issue when the underlying factor is you’re selfish reasons to get involved with an obviously emotionally crippled person just so that you can control them.

  108. Laurie says:

    Dear Bea,

    I don’t think couples counseling will help you help your depressed boyfriend! Couples counseling is helpful in bad relationships, but if your boyfriend has emotional health issues, then couples counseling isn’t what he needs.

    Your boyfriend needs professional help right away, especially if he’s talking about ending his life! You need to call a depression or suicide hotline, and find out what you can do.

    Here are two articles that may help:

    How to Help a Boyfriend Who Cuts and Self-Harms

    Is Your Boyfriend Depressed? How to Act and What to Say

    The second article has several comments from girlfriends in your situation, which may help you.

    In your case, the issue isn’t a bad relationship…your boyfriend has emotional health issues that are affecting your relationship and his life. He needs to find the strength to deal with his health.

    I wish you all the best.

    Laurie

  109. bea says:

    Im in a relationship with a guy who is extremely depressed. I didnt know this until a few days ago when we were arguing and he said he constantly thinks about ending his life. I thought it was a bad relationship since he sometimes abuses substances and he knows I am absolutely against it. Ive thought about leaving him, mostly when he smokes, but I recently found out about all the things that worry him, that are weighing on him and I cant just leave. I know he needs help, and I know there’s only so much I can do, but I love him and care about him, and would love to encourage him on going to see someone. Maybe couples therapy? I dont know.

  110. G.Annette says:

    My man & I have been together for 18mths (we’re both mid 50’s). We live together in my house, he pays rent to me, mows the lawns & contributes to the food when home, I pay all the other costs. He is FIFO mine worker and I’m self employed. After 18mths, I would expect a bit more committment from him but he is still technically married, has made no moves to divorce her apart from one email request in March. A lawyer client advised me to give him a rent receipt to protect my property. My partner has several properties of his own, jointly owned with ex-wife, shared Super fund with her, bank accounts etc. Whilst he says he doesn’t want to go back to her, why doesn’t he divorce her. I advised him that whilst he has now set up a new Super fund in his name only, through the eyes of the law, that is still partly hers too. He denies this. Should I give him a time frame to start the divorce proceedings so we can then start making our plans for growing our relationship? He says he loves me but there’s not a lot of action!

  111. veronica says:

    I’m in a relationship that was not bad at first until we moved in together. Once we moved in he began not trusting me, monitoring my where abouts, and wanted me to leave all my friends alone… My family loves him but they aren’t aware of his actions. I can leave I have before but because I’m stuck on how he once was I come back. He does everything for me. He helps me financially and with my car troubles. But makes me feel crappy afterwards.

  112. Dee says:

    My bf has never said he loves me. He outright denies that there is anything to be concerned about but I have read his messages to other girls and he claims we split up even though he denies everything.

    Now that I am questioning his intentions he tries to pull me closer but I am just about ready to say farewell.

    He noticed my feelings before I was ready to admit to them, I would smile and kiss him. Thinking to myself I know you are right just go with it.

    I want to believe he is only withdrawing as a man thing. I will wait for some alone time with him let him know what I expect out of our relationship and see what he is willing to do to save it or call it over.

  113. monica says:

    i wonder that if i am on this website definitely,its coz i smell smthng bad in my relationship..every men,when they strive to find success in their affair,do anything for their girl..but once the girl starts lovig him back,things start turning upside down..i am an 18 year old..n he lved me for 5 years seriously..i acccepted him this january..n i feel i had the best of time..but nw,thngs are not the same..nw i am begging to him..to lv me back..girls are sensitive creatures,once they get love,they do anything for their loved ones..please dear sisters,never fall in flowery promises…

  114. Emma says:

    This is for venessa the girl who is 18 with a 2 year old Hi venessa I am in your shoes I had my kids at 16 and 18 years old I’m no 26 and still with their dad If I can say one thing to you it’s get out I wish I could my partner and I fight all the time he has hit me to ment times treated me like shit and still I’m with him I can’t do anything or go anywhere I’m sorry I stayed with him this long I’m still trying to get out don’t be a fool like I am and get out why u still can I gave up everything for him friends my life everything I don’t fell 26 I feel 56 life is to short I have just left him a few days ago and I don’t even think he cares well hun good luck in what ever u dicide to do I hope iv helped you with my story

  115. leah says:

    I dont know what to do I’m wth this boy called Ryan and I don’t feel like where close we met at cadets coz ma dad is making go and we neva really talk at cadets and we’ve been together for like 1week and all we have done is kiss once and hug once and I think I really like him Crnt stop thinking of him and its wierd the last 3 night I’ve
    hade 4 dreams about him 1 on monday night about us kissing Tuesday night about him splitting up wth me then 2 on Wednesday night what does it meen and what should I do should I tell him I wanna b closer or just wait a thew weekday and if we still Arnt close dump him I really dnt know coz we haven’t even like cuddled or out

  116. nicola says:

    I dont no if i am in a bad relationship my partner always say ur a bad mom and when i dont want to have sex he goes in a mood with me then calls me all names under the sun i been with my partner for 10 year since i was 15 i am 25 now and i just dont want him to leave i love him in a way but not luv him luv him i dont no what to do i dont want to finish with him because he has no where to live and feel sorry for him but my heart hurts so much when he says all the thing he wants to say exspecially about sex. He says he loves me all the time but i dont feel like he does he just want me to make his drink and food and give him sex when he wants and that like everyday and i think like i have to give him or gonna be in a mood with me i tellin all this but i no its a bad relationship but dont know how to say leave me we are over thanks for reading this and any advice will be great :)

  117. Samantha says:

    I understand how majority of these women feel. I’m 16, me and my boyfriend have been together since i was 13. I’ve cheated on him a lot! He has took me back a lot! I feel like i can’t live without him, i’m not sure what to do. Any more he has been a jack a** (donkey) and we’ve fought over one little thing i said last night that was no big deal, i’m sure every woman has done this for there man.. I’m talking about pleasing them when we don’t really feel up to it. He made that such a huge deal. Everyone has told me he will be a lowlife, and he has long hair and has to cut it to stay with me. Our hair stylist said that he will never cut his hair because he is a mommies boy, and she loves his curls. He got soo pissed off at me and started cursing at me. I told him if he cant be a donkey then dont bother texting me, goodbye. that was at 6 pm today, it is 8:30 no text, i talked to my ex’s sister and she told me to let him text me first, and that i deserve better than him.. if anyone has any advice i’d love to hear it!

  118. vanessa says:

    hey I’m 18 year old and I have a 2 year old I being with my partner for 4 year now he like couple year older then me ….but thing is we always aruging and I’m just so tried of it we really don’t under stand each other no more …..there some time that I feel ever I do is just my fault and that making me feel really depressing I have to much in me that just don’t know if should just live him or stay with him ……but I that come come in my mind I feel scared idk why….please can some one help me plz……

  119. Sarah says:

    I am having a hard time telling if I’m in a bad relationship. Yes, we argue but we don’t break up. We just stick it out.

    But when we are happy, it’s the best thing. It’s just that when it’s bad, it’s horrible. I don’t know what to do! We have a daughter who is eight months and I don’t feel like starting over. But man, sometimes I feel like leaving and just leaving all my stuff there & taking my daughter just because I can’t stand it sometimes.

  120. Laura says:

    This article focuses too much on the majority. I find this way too easy to read, too simplistic and is objective rather than subjective. It does not give the individual enough information to allow them to devlop or work on issues within a relationship. Sometimes some of these alleged top 10 in my opinion nonsenses are due to deeper issues within one or both parties in the relationship. I believe love exists within those willing to work and develop a relationship and formulate strategies to work on both partie’s mentalities. Alternatively, you could leave your relationship under the above advise and it could be the right decision or it could just be that you have given up on a rlationship that needed time, effort, understanding and most of all the devlopment of a communication system that both parties understand. Most humans are reasonable and can learn to live and love another if they have the enthusiasm and drive to be with that other person. If a person expects to get to know there partner and develop a relationship sheerly by existing next to them, then you literally get what you paid for, currency=energy.

    I am currently writing an advice book. It is open minded and gives you the individual a chance to work out WITH your partner what it is you both want and how to communicate that without either one of you getting frustrated or misunderstanding. We are all individuals, for every individual there is an individual communication system. To overcome this we must develop a communal and new system between two individuals, sucess of this massive energy consuming task will I believe result in harmonious existence, at least by comparison to prior experiences.

    Thanks

  121. Laurie says:

    Dear Jess, if you and your boyfriend don’t do things in person together, then yes you should be worried about your relationship! Why have a boyfriend if you never see each other?

    Dear Meeka, I wrote this article for you:

    Are You Doing All the Work in Your Relationship? How to Stop

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts on it. Do you think your boyfriend will change? Remember that YOU can’t make him change…you can only change yourself.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  122. jess says:

    hi, i’ve been dating this boy for about a month and we bearly speak to each other in person, only on the phone,should i be worried?

  123. Meeka says:

    This article helped me a little. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, he is a freshman in college, and I just graduated high school, but recently he has told me that he doesn’t feel close or comfortable around me like he use to. He makes me feel like everything is my fault. However, I work hard in our relationship every day to prove to him that I am committed and there for him but he doesn’t do anything to show me that he cares. He is busy because he works and is a student but I just don’t know what to do anymore. Someone please help.

  124. Laurie says:

    Dear Dee,

    I wrote this article for you:

    You’re Pregnant and Unhappy With Your Husband – Should You Leave?

    I can’t tell you if your relationship is “bad” or not, but I wanted to give you – and other women in similar situations – a few things to think about.

    I hope it helps, and welcome your thoughts.

    Sincerely,
    Laurie

  125. Nora Doty says:

    I think if these are the signs then you do need to close up shop. If wht you’ve given him he is not thankful for, even if it is the best money has to offer then he needs to go.

    If he is too stupid for his own good then he will not change for you.

  126. Michelle says:

    I think women can easily see the warning signs of bad relationship but they just ignore them because they’re scared of leaving.

  127. gab says:

    Dear KIM,
    I’m really sorry to hear about your husband mistreating you but to me this sounds like he may be an addict. My best friend was dating somebody very similar. It’s the cycle of addiction. It doesn’t mean he is bad person, he just has a problem. Lying and stealing are very common symptoms. Chances are he won’t even listen if you try to talk to him about it. My advice would be for you to do some research and look up local Alcoholics Anonymous meetings or Narcotics Anonymous. (Alanon.com) Until he is ready to talk about it or admit it you should just educate yourself in the field of addiction studies. If nothing changes or gets better, however, then you MUST tell a friend or family member and get out. Think about your children and what’s best for them. It may hurt a lot but you deserve better.
    a

  128. Dee says:

    I’m not sure what to do. I can agree with most things on this list most days, but other days it’s wonderful. I love my common-law husband, we’ve been together 5 years, have a two year old son and another baby due at the end of July, and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he loves me, he says he does, he seems like he does most days, but there are times that I’m unsure. He’s a huge part of my life, I always felt like something was missing, until I found him. Now I feel that feeling again, and it scares me. He doesn’t trust me, he won’t forgive me for some of the things I’ve done, but he stayed through it all. He makes me happy, not all of the time, but when he’s gone I feel like I’ll never be happy like that again. I can’t forget all of the terrible things he has said, and continues to say… I just don’t know. I feel helpless and useless, he doesn’t listen, and when he does he just flips everything around and I end up feeling like it’s all my fault anyways…

  129. Laurie says:

    Dear Kim,

    I don’t know how you can think you’re a horrible person! You and your husband are going through a really rough patch, and of course you feel sad and depressed.

    I wrote this article for you:

    What to Do When Your Husband is an Alcoholic or Drug Addict

    I hope it helps…and I encourage you to talk to your friends and family about your husband. I know it’s hard and embarrassing to share what’s going on, but it’s so important to get support from people who love you. What they think of your husband is less important than taking care of yourself – and part of taking care of yourself is leaning on people who love you.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  130. kim says:

    As I write this I’m so confused, I don’t know if I’m crazy or I’m a nightmare, horrible person. I love my husband very much but I’m so depressed and sad I can barely stand it. I don’t know if I’m out of my mind or not. We fight a lot, about many things. From my point of view, here is what I see, he drinks for hours, several days a week. When he is sober he is a wonderful, sweet, funny, loving guy. Our fights are basically when he has been drinking and I am sober. I really only have a drink or two a week, maybe. Anyway, when we fight, he walks away, yells, rolls his eyes, tells me to get a job, (i’m a stay at home mom), he’s gonna sell the houe, we can rent, then we will be on “level playing field”. I’ve hurt my back a couple times in the last year and been given pain killers, he’s taken at least half of my perscription each time. Tonight I was looking to take 1/2 a tablet I had left on my nightstand. I asked him about taking my medication, he said yes he took it and I tried to explain that when I take them, I actually need it because my back is hurting, he said, “dont” when I tried to discuss. I walked away, because I didn’t want to fight in front of our son. I don’t tell my friends any of these stories, I don’t tell anyone, I don’t want there opinion of him to change…I could go on…I think I need help…do you have any comments or suggestions? Thank you.

  131. Melanie1029 says:

    My boyfriend is in another crew and then my cousin is in another i live in the other side and my boyfriend is from the other side. So on my boyfriends birthday i found out my cousin got jumped by the crew of my boyfriend. I was really mad and i endend up breaking up with my boyfriend, but i still feel unhappy i think i ruinend my happiness for my cousin what should i do ? Please Message Me And Tell Me What Should i do .! melanierocks01@yahoo.com

  132. queen bee says:

    I am in a failed relationship but he just cannot see how bad it really is. We have 2 children. I do love him but I think it’s only memories from when we met. I was sure at the time he was my soul mate but this is now not true.

    Distrust – reads my texts, emails, watches everything I do.
    Name calling, shouting, fighting, etc….over noting, but he says he Loves me. How can this be Love.

    I am finding it difficult to leave as I do Love him and think I will miss him just like a real Loss but on the other hand he is making me miserable…I can finally see it!

    Friends, Family never took to him so no support there.

    When children are involved you want to make it work but my Gut is telling me if I don’t do this now I will be in the same place in 5 years time.

    any help out there?

  133. mellissa says:

    I been with my boyfriend 8 yrs we just had a child together last year. I have been a stay at home mom since having our son. I have 2 kids and he has 2 kids from previous marrages. The last 6 months have horrible we fight mainly about his 14 yr old son that is very direspectful he lies steals and has hit me, to the point I just can’t handle dealing with him. Eric (boyfriend)says its my job to deal with it and he calls me horrible names, says he hates me its gotten physical but mostly verbal abuse. I have decided to sleep on the couch for 2 months and have told him I want to leave that i’m not happy. That’s when he makes it clear that when I leave he will take my car phone and not let me take my belongings. Im miserable and scared to start all over but this is getting bad

  134. carla says:

    I am in a bad relationship with a guy who ive been with for 7 yrs and have a son with,but he is controlling,holds me back from doing what i want in life,is lazy and who disrespects me,but i find that im having trouble kicking him out!

  135. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Sarah,

    I know how you feel! My sister isn’t mentally challenged, but she’s picked some major losers in her life.

    I wrote this article for you:

    5 Ways to Help Your Sister or Friend Who is With the Wrong Guy

    I hope it helps, and that your sister comes to her senses soon.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  136. Sarah says:

    This article kind of helped me but not totally. You see my sister started dating this guy and he constantly txts her and if she doesn’t answer back within about 5 seconds he calls her. They were going out for not even a week and were already saying i love you and having sex and he always buys her a lot of things. She is mild-mentally retarded and she wont listen to me or our other sister that he is only using her from our point of view. She broke up w a guy she had been goin out with for about 8 yrs because he didnt want to have kids and her current boyfriend said he liked her. She has been going out with her current boyfriend for almost 3 weeks now and she is talking about moving in with him and his parents and getting married and having kids. He is also incompedent but is on a much higher level than her and Im really conserned and so is our other sis but she wont listen to us. I also just got out of a bad relationship that lasted two years and i have a kid who is one already. Ive been in her shoes and I am trying to get her to see what I see and I know its not just me being parinoid because it happened to me. My oldest sister sees what happened to me happening to her also. Can someone please give me so advise to help her?

  137. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    I agree, Natly…to get out of a bad relationship, we need to first learn how to avoid getting into it in the first place! And that involves increasing our self-confidence and esteem. If we feel good about ourselves, we don’t have to worry about getting out of a bad relationship…we won’t get into it to begin with.

  138. Natly says:

    The big question is: how do we get involved in these relationships in the first place and how to avoid falling in the same trap the next time somoene comes along?

    Has a lot to do with the self estime we have for ourselves and the way we feel inside, we are not always aware of that unfortunately.

    Great article!

  139. christine j sojka says:

    your article is male dominated and sexist.in my relationship I’M the boyfriend (theoretically) even though i’m the female.so MY actions matter NOT his.

  140. dolley says:

    Well, I should have posted my story here! How true. I just think so many women by and large don’t think this could ever happen to them. I know I didn’t because I live by treat others as you want to be treated and hang around like minded people who don’t like throwing wool over others’ eyes. Well, I live, I learn, I win some and lose some but how do I respond is the real question. Thanks for giving concise and simple thoughts and suggestions to the readers by making the brain think outside the oooh and aaaah bliss that can come from relationships.

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