Comments like “Infertility stinks – it’s the worst thing in the world” makes me want to take a vodka bath – straight up. Infertility is NOT the worst thing to happen to you!
Below is a list of reasons why infertility isn’t the worst thing to happen to you – but first, an explanation of where the “Infertility stinks – it’s the worst thing in the world” comment came from.
Giuliana Rancic, co-anchor of E! News, was guest co-host for ABC’s “The View” in honor of World Fertility Awareness Month. She opened the episode on surrogacy saying that infertility stinks and it’s the worst thing in the world.
If you’re struggling with infertility depression, despair, or dreck, read Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. It’s my favorite book on emotional healing and growth – I’ve read it several times. It’s probably why I don’t think infertility is the worst thing to happen to you.
If You Think Infertility is the Worst Thing, You’re Setting Yourself Up
If you adopt the “poor me – I’m infertile (or my husband is infertile) and we can’t afford infertility treatments and all I want to do is have a baby”, then you’re setting yourself up for a life of bitterness, strife, envy, and pain.
Why would you do that to yourself? Why is having a kid the only thing that makes your life meaningful?
Thinking that infertility is the worst thing that could ever happen gives you a negative, depressed, unhealthy perspective that is not based in reality. It blocks all the potential goodness in your life. It stops you from seeing and enjoying the happy things in life.
And it stops you from being grateful for who and what you do have.
If you think infertility is the worst thing in the world, you haven’t slept in a back alley in a cardboard box with your single mom and sister, survived someone breaking into your apartment in the middle of the night to rape you, lived with a seriously mentally ill mother, been cut out of your sister’s life for reasons she can’t explain, or lived in Africa for three years and witnessed how bad life can really get.
I’ve experienced all those things, which is why I’m childless and still very, very happy. I’d love to get pregnant and raise my child, but it’s not in the cards for us. So, I focus on the benefits of my life — and I write articles like Childlessness and Happiness – Why I’m OK With Being Childless for couples like us, who are coping with infertility.
Things Worse Than Infertility
To help you get over the thought that infertility is the worst thing that could ever happen to you, I brainstormed a list of things worse than not getting pregnant:
- Losing a child to death (thanks for this, Jennifer @jlwf ton Twitter!)
- Having a chronically or terminally ill child
- Raising a child who abuses and even kills other people
- Being abused in any way, especially as a child
- A friend or family member’s suicide
- Watching animals get tortured
- Seeing your mom get beat up, and being helpless to stop
- Seeing the way animals are treated in third world countries
- Being homeless – sleeping outside and eating garbage
- Not being able to overcome a mental illness
- Having tumors that cause pain, reduced quality of life, and a shorter life
- Being responsible for someone’s death or serious injury
- Your husband having a vasectomy without telling you
- Never loving, never having been loved
You know what? I can’t go on. I don’t want to dwell on all the worst things in the world. I’m more convinced than ever that there are worse things than infertility — but I don’t need to think about them.
If you’re struggling, read How to Overcome Infertility Depression When You Can’t Get Pregnant.
What do you think – is infertility really the worst thing that has ever happened or could ever happen to you?
I also did not find this article to be helpful. No, it may not be the worst thing in the world, but it is painful. Knowing it’s not the worst thing in the world isn’t all that helpful because most of us will never experience the worst thing in the world, so this is as difficult as it gets. I read somewhere that infertility may well be the first big disappointment many woman will have to face. If they have gone through life without losing their parents, had a good life as a child and teenager, it can be a shock to be faced with this seemingly endless battle, that you really have no control over. Having been raped myself and faced 15 years of poor health and depression, I still find myself feeling gutted about not being able to realise my greatest dream in life, to become a mother. Maybe it is good to have some perspective that life is much more difficult for many people in the world, but that doesn’t stop me mourning what may never be.
On another note, I would love to adopt a child, but it’s really difficult to do in Australia. It takes years and years.
I have to say I too am a little disappointed by this article. I appreciate the point but you can’t really compare different life situations and having experienced infertility, child abuse and poverty I personally would rate infertility as the worst thing I’ve experienced. I feel I have to comment on behalf of the multitude of ttc ladies who will read this looking for hope and come away feeling like they were making a fuss about nothing.
I didn’t feel this article was berating at all.
I just completed yet another failed fertility treatment, the latest of a series of brutalizing treatments over the last four years, all of them unsuccessful. The treatments have wrecked my health, my mind, my spirit. I have lost all faith in the existence of a good, loving and protective G-d. I desperately want a genetic child, particularly because I have no siblings, my cousins live in another country, and once my parents are gone I will have no family other than my husband. My husband is an only child as well. It sucks, big time.
Yet Laurie is correct. There are a myriad of blood-chilling horrors this life is capable of producing and no one is immune to being struck by any of them. I’ll give you one: My great aunt and her two little children, marching into a cold Nazi gas chamber, stark naked, and choking on cyanide gas. Doesn’t get more horrible than that.
If anything, this painful life experience has taught me that nothing is a given in this brief life. Every good thing in life is a blessing and can be taken away at any moment.
So I am counting my blessings–my wonderful husband, my living parents, my three little dogs, my health, etc.
What other choice do I have?
M,
I’m sorry that this article made you feel berated! As a writer and woman who can’t have children, I’m always sad when readers leave feeling worse than when they arrived. Sometimes my articles backfire…and sometimes what helps me feel better about infertility doesn’t work for other women.
You’re right — there is nothing wrong with your dream of having a biological baby! I’m sorry that dream is eluding you right now, and I hope that it comes true one day.
Blessings,
Laurie
I read this article hoping to find a little encouragement and light on a bad day and instead I find a list berating me for feeling emotionally depressed and sad due to infertility. Sounds like you have had one hell of a life and I applaud you for moving forward to find your happiness, but shame on your for making people feel inferior because they feel infertility is the worst thing in the world to happen to them. You said previously, focus on your dreams, learn to fly etc. Well, my dream is to have a biological baby. That is what I have always wanted and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And just so you know I am thankful for all of the blessings in my life and do my best to appreciate them everyday.
Dear Katelyn ~ Yes, I agree that never being adopted is worse than not being able to conceive. It is SO sad that we seem to be programmed to want kids who are biologically related to us. Most of the people I love most in my life aren’t related to me at all!
Dear Dorthea ~ Thank you for sharing your story. You’re helping us see that infertility isn’t the worst thing that could happen to us.
Thanks for your comments; I appreciate them.
Laurie
I lost my parents and husband in a car crash. I’ve never been pregnant because I’ve never found anyone I love as much as my husband. We were married for 10 years, and were just starting to talk about having children. We had busy, fulfilling lives and kids were part of our future.
If you’re married or in a relationship, cherish your loved one. That person is more important than children that don’t exist yet.
But I do feel bad for women who can’t get pregnant or who are coping with infertility.
Worse than being infertile? Never being adopted because so many families want a baby that’s genetically related. How many kids are parentless and want a loving home?