Do You Resent Your Pregnant Friends? Tips for Unpregnant Women
Here are five tips for not resenting your pregnant friends — because when you can’t get pregnant or it’s taking too long to conceive, you may notice that your friends and family are especially fertile!
One of my friends is pregnant with her second child, another friend’s husband just had a vasectomy because three kids is enough, and a third just gave birth to her second son. We’re having trouble getting pregnant…and all my pregnant friends are depressing the hell out of me!
I struggle with not resenting them, especially right now. If you’re riding the same infertility roller coaster, here are five tips for not resenting the pregnant women in your life.
And, I’ve found the book The Infertility Cure: The Ancient Chinese Wellness Program for Getting Pregnant and Having Healthy Babies very practical and inspiring. It hasn’t worked for me, but it is a bestselling fertility book on Amazon.
Do You Resent Your Pregnant Friends? Tips for Unpregnant Women
1. Remember that it’s not their fault. This is my husband’s tip for not resenting your pregnant friends: remember that it’s not their fault that you can’t get pregnant. Don’t let your disappointment, frustration, or depression taint your friendships. They didn’t get pregnant or have a vasectomy to make you feel bad – it’s just your friends living their own lives.
2. Put yourself in their shoes. Your pregnant friends may have been in your boat, and found it was taking too long for them to have a baby. They may have experienced miscarriages, abortions, or stillborn babies…and may finally be experiencing the joy of pregnancy. Even if it’s just for a few minutes, put yourself in their shoes and really be happy for them. They’ll be happy for you when you finally conceive a child!
3. Talk about your feelings with your pregnant friends. If your friendship is tight, share your feelings of resentment with your friend. Sometimes just expressing your thoughts can make them less burdensome. If you can, be honest with your loved ones – because bottling your feelings up makes them worse. Your best friends will love you all the more, and you’ll love them more if you’re honest.
4. Focus on how to get pregnant. I don’t know if it’s just taking too long to have a baby or if you know for use that you’re coping with infertility…but either way, focus on the possibilities of and hope for the future! If it’s simply taking too long to conceive, then get educated about how ovulation, fertility, and getting pregnant works. If you’re coping male or female infertility, then investigate the possibilities for a future pregnancy through a fertility clinic.
5. Focus on living a happily childfree life. If you’re not getting pregnant, can’t afford fertility clinics, have unsuccessfully tried fertility clinics, don’t want to adopt or foster a childe, then focus on your other dreams and goals. Have you always wanted to be an airline pilot, doctor, lawyer, or missionary? Follow your heart, tune in to your passions…and don’t feed your resentment for your pregnant friends. Sure, you’re an unpregnant woman…but it could be worse, my friend.
If you can’t shake off your resentment, read Why Infertility Isn’t the Worst Thing to Happen to You.
And if you’ve already gotten pregnant once, you may find What to Do When You Can’t Get Pregnant With Your Second Child helpful.
What are your thoughts or questions about these tips for not resenting pregnant friends? I welcome your comments…
Category: Friendship Tips, Infertility Hope & Acceptance, Stress Management Tips
Dear Jessie,
Thank you for sharing such a personal, heartbreaking part of your life here! My heart goes out to you. It’s a sad, unfair, bleak thing to not be able to get pregnant – I know.
I wrote an article for you, and all the women who commented about resenting their pregnant friends – or being resented by their friends because they’re pregnant!
How to Cope When You Can’t Have a Baby
I hope it helps, and wish you all the best.
Blessings,
Laurie
I know i will never be able to have children as I have already been told by a doctor that i cant. Just recently 2 of my friends have become pregnant, my partners 18 year old sister has just had a baby and most of my other friends already have children of there own.. Only my partner knows as i am not courages enough to tell anyone else and alot of his family expects me to become pregnant which is really hard to cope with
i keep hoping that one day a miracle will happen but everytime i hear about someone having a baby or one of my friends becomes pregnant even when i see a pregnant lady walking down the street i get so jealous i cant help it 
i just wish i could become pregnant even just once.. I want to be a mother more than anything.. Its so unfair how some people can have kids but others cant :’(
Lauren,
Congrats on your pregnancy and sorry for your hard journey. May you have a very safe delivery. If I. Could perhaps give some perspectiive on your friend it may help. (Please note it does not make it right or even logical for her to do to you.) Emotions are a flippant thing and something we can’t control really. Yoour friend and you have been very close and had a similar story. She’s probably reacting how she is because she now feels truly alone. When you ‘loose’ that type of bond / connection it hurts (not by your fault) your happiness and success brings her lots of pain and makes her situation real and possibly terrifying. All in all she feels betrayed by her own emotions her own inability to concieve. By saying she doesn’t want to talk about your pregnancy isn’t malicious its a way for her to stay in denial, its a way for her not to feel the pain. I imagine she can’t really handle much right now and feels very very lost
I have a feeling if it was her pregnant instead of you, it may make more sense.
She needs time and you told her you’d respect that. Lean on other friends and allow her time to heal. Don’t put a time frame on it and perhaps accept her absence for now, but always keep the door open for her. But also don’t expect things to change right away.
I say this out of experience when my friend who had a similar journey to mine got pregnant as well. I was honest with her and I personally needed a few months. I lost my pertner in crime, the one person next to my husband who made it. Bareable, who made me feel like I wasn’t alone. As bad as it sounds that was comforting and when I lost it I had tp learn to lean on online support groups and seek some kind of theraputic release/ gain other means of coping with our situation. I am now seeing that friend todaywith her beautiful son. I’m ok with it and don’t feel the least bit saddened. She respectuffly gave me the time I needed to heal, and I love her so much for that. I see her on an almost on a bi. Weekly basis. After her son was born I needed some time again. I think its about transitioning mindsets. I’m greatful for the time she gave me and how she was nothing but understanding. I too put her on restricted for a while on my fb, mainly so she could express her happiness and so that I wasn’t painfully reminded while I was healing. If I wanted to know how she was id call, I did need to do that on my own time so I could be emotionally invested in the conversation. I didn’t want to have to see a status that perhaps put my emotions into a tail spin. Facebook is far too overrated and should not be an indicator of if people care or not. You should repect her need to want to just kind of heal and disconnect. Hoepfully shell come around. Perhaps she needs to seek counseling of some sort. 5 years.. I can’t imagin the toll that’s taken on her and again I’m so sorry you feel this way or guilty. Please don’t and understand she’s not mad at you, she’s angry at her situation and your situation only reminds her of what she doesn’t have.
I think more women who can’t get pregnant or are having a hard time should really think about this and realize it is a problem. I have a lot of friends who are struggling to get pregnant, and because I am pregnant I just don’t talk to them about it and I just give them their space because I know its tough for them. But some so called good friends get so mean and say things to deliberately make me feel bad or guilty for neing pregnant. I am tired of it. I should not have to feel anything but excited for my pregnancy and I don’t expect my friend to be as giddy or excited, but don’t put me down for it. And if I don’t like pregnancy and have a very hard time with it, then I am entitled to how i feel about that as well, without needing to be worried about the millions of women who are struggling to get pregnant. I feel that women who are rudely jelauose about it need to really do something about it, because a real friend wouldn’t treat people the way they do.
I’m really struggling on the other side of this situation. My partner and I had been trying to conceive for three years. I have PCOS so I knew that getting pregnant would be challenging. We’ve had miscarriages along the way and it’s been a hard trip. I recently found out that we are expecting a baby this spring. I’m both excited and scared as it’s a high risk pregnancy.
A very good friend of mine, one I’ve known for over 18 years, has also struggled with fertility issues over the last 4-5 years. We’ve been there for each other throughout the process and through all our friends’ pregnancies and our losses.
I suspected that she would take the news hard. I told her before our other friends, very privately via a letter. I indicated that I knew she might need time to digest the news and said I would be really happy to talk to her when she was ready. That was three months ago and nothing since. She sent me an email basically saying I can’t handle this right now and that’s pretty much been it.
I’m not really sure what to feel. I’m hurt but I also feel weirdly guilty. I haven’t posted any pregnancy news on facebook and tried to keep things low key. Part of this is because my pregnancy is high risk but part is also because I thought all the news might be like rubbing in salt. Turns out I’ve been restricted on her facebook account so it really didn’t matter. The worst part is that she has told our other close friends that she doesn’t want to talk about me or the pregnancy and it has made things very awkward.
I’m not sure what to do. This reaction seems extreme and really different then the reaction she has had to other friend’s pregnancies. I’ve never really been cut out of someone’s life like this…I feel like I’m back in middle school or something. On the other hand, I did say I would be there for her when she was ready to talk…I just didn’t think it would take three months. I knew she would need time but since she hadn’t reacted like that to other friends pregnancies I thought it would be more of a matter of weeks rather than months. I’m starting to get angry but at the same time I feel pretty shallow for feeling angry as I totally get that this is hard and I said I would be patient. Anyways not sure that this is the right place to post this but no one else really seems to get that I feel guilty over the situation and angry at her all once.
Greetings Laurie,
I’m glad I found this article. It really speaks to me and these wild emotions I’ve experienced in the past. Half of the time I feel like being honest about how you ‘feel’ often gets rude comments in return. Almost like I shouldn’t feel how I feel about this journey.
if emotions were something of a switch I’d be glad to switch this particular emotion off. I guess I feel like some people just are a bit rude and make you feel bad for how you feel. Like it’s not right or natural. We’ve been trying for 3 years come April and I had 2 best friends get pregnant within 5 weeks of eachother last year. I responded with a big congrats. Then once the phone was hung up I cried like I never cried before. I had to come to terms that my tears were out of sadness for the reminder of our situation. The thing about our situation was that I had 2 amazing best friends who understood and respected where I was coming from. I had to take a month after the announcements before I started to really see them again. I needed to give myself the time to heal and regroup. I also didn’t want to be one of those people who fake it. I wanted my happiness and love for them to be genuine and I wanted them to feel it. I’m proud of myself for being honest with my emotions and giving my friends the common curtesy of not making their pregnancies a negative one when it came to me.
I guess feeling this way makes me feel like I’m being selfish, like I shouldn’t cry or I shouldn’t pull away. that I should some how deal with it? In readin these posts I realize that perhaps I need to seek out a few books. We’re on clomid and about to start IUI in a few months. Just this past weekend I cried and cried hard with my husband holding me. He said we’d keep trying even if it took us 10 years. I had to be honest with him and say “I can’t do 10 years.” I’ll do another year but after that I want to start living life. I don’t want to conintue to be this way or feel this way. I want to begin the healing process if our home will not have children in it. I want to start planning a life for 2 people instead of 3,4 or 5.” As my husband and I have decided not to adopt ( a personal decision) that realtiy is becoming more and more real as each month passes. I hope to one day get to the point if we can’t concieve that I’ll be ok with it. I realize it’s going to take a lot of self work on my part but I know I can do it.
I just wanted to say that this site after reading some articles has given me hope and a bit of comfort that I’m not alone, I’m not insane for feeling how I feel. Thank you!
Kaley ~ I agree with Hayley. You won’t be able to please everyone, and you need to accept that some of your “friends” just can’t return your friendship. It’s so sad, but people react to friends being pregnant in extreme and emotional ways. She may resolve her feelings about your pregnancy, and one day be happy for you.
Hayley ~ I’m sorry you got those negative comments, but very happy for you! That’s great that you adopted your child. We haven’t taken that step yet, but are thinking about it.
Lena ~ One of the best tips for not resenting your pregnant friends is to create a live you LOVE. You CAN have a happy, fulfilling life even if you don’t have kids yet (or at all). But, you have to build that life yourself, and you have to accept that your friends will continue to talk about their children and pregnancies. They’re in one stage of life – and it may be a stage you can’t experience yet. You need to find friends who don’t have kids and who share your perspective and life goals.
It’s easier said than done, but once you learn to love the life you have (instead of the life you wish you had), you’ll be much happier.
Blessings,
Laurie
I got told I didn’t deserve my adopted one back handedly. I got comments from new mothers – - “I’m so glad God trusted me enough to give me a child” or I got the regular comments about foster mothers on my emails – - “the child would have better mental health living with his own family” or “foster families are usually cruel or neglectful”. I know these comments where others determine what you deserve hurts. Kaley, don’t try to please everyone and that’s because you never will. Talk about things if you want. Post the things you want. Understand not every friend can cope well with loss of a baby or infertility.
I am the very last one of all my friends to get pregant, i mean the last. All of my friends act as if they never held a conversation that was not about babies,doctors, what they will do, how they will raise them. Its hard to even be around them. Pluse, my friend just found out a mutiual friends is only 15 weeks behinds her. And she always post comments on facebook like, OMG, WERE GOING TO HAVE THE COOLEST KIDS, THEY ARE GOING TO BE BEST FRIENDS, IM SO HAPPY WERE ARE PREGNET TOGETHER, THIS IS GOING TO BE SO GREAT! I understand that, it is great, and they are excited. But it feels like a kick in the teeth, and im going to lose her. We have been friends for almost 10 years, and i talk to her about how i havent been around much b/c of some resentment. I strugle to not be bitter, and i dont know what to do, PLASE CAN SOME ONE HELP ME, all my best friends have kids, and i have no one to talk to about this, or what to do?
I am pregnant. My coworker had a niscarriage and I found that she wrote on Facebook after deleting me “Yes, I deleted you. I got tired of seeing updates on what you have that you shouldnt, and what I had that got taken away from me. You don’t deserve what was given to you.” I honestly thought she and I were friends… I just am hurt by that. i tried not talking about my pregancy with her. But I had people wanting to see pictures…. I know I cant please everyone. And i was saddened she lost her little one. but why so much resentment. It hurts being told that you dont deserve your own child. I cried.
Ah, some of my best articles about not being pregnant are in the archives! I remember writing these tips for not resenting your pregnant friends. I’m still an unpregnant woman, but I think I’ve made peace with it.
Although, every time I get my period I do wish things were different. But only for a little while…then I get back into my life
My friend and her husband were coping with infertility for five years, and finally just conceived through IUI.
I’m thrilled for them, but it’s also hard for us. It was nice not being the only couple we knew coping with infertility — I think it helps to have friends going through the same thing.
I don’t resent her pregnancy at all, but I am a little jealous. But, I could see myself living a wonderful life without children — and she really wants kids — so it’s so great that she did get pregnant!
It’ll be weird to see her get bigger and bigger, though.
So I’m with you, Amy: a pill to numb you on the bad days would be welcome……
Laurie
just wished they had a pill that could numb you when you have the really bad days. It’s just really hard to accept something when you don’t want to.
Thanks for pointing out that we shouldn’t be ashamed about our problems conceiving! Infertility is still such a hush-hush topic, and so many men and women feel inferior and embarrassed because they can’t have kids. It’s sad — and there’s nothing to be ashamed about!
Infertility is just like any other health condition: surprising, unbelievable maybe, but just one of those crazy things we go through as humans. Some of us get cancer, others multiple sclerosis, others mental illnesses….and still others are coping with infertility.
Anyway, here’s another tip for not resenting your pregnant friends: accept your life just the way it is. I’ve recently accepted that I won’t get pregnant through in vitro fertilization…and I’ll probably never have my own child. It’s hard and it hurts, but accepting it is far better than railing against it — or resenting women who can get pregnant.
Maybe I should write an article about how to accept your infertility?!
Laurie
Yes, some girls just get pregnant.I just realised that by just accepting the problem and just changing your focus for some time and not to be ashamed to say what problem you have,It does really help.Am trying that for now.
Don’t blame your friends. Some girls just get pregnant.
Let’s hope their luck continues!
Thanks, Kbot, you’ve made two excellent points! I didn’t get married until I was 36, so I spent many long years wondering if I’d ever even settle into a good relationship, much less get married and have kids. Yes, it’s difficult to want kids but be single, without a partner on the horizon.
My husband thinks couples should get tested for infertility issues before they get married. That way, they can decide if they should proceed if one of them can’t have kids….what do you think of that?
Boy, life can be one thing after another. Married, single, with kids, without kids…it reminds me of a cute quip: “If it’s not one thing, it’s my mother.”
And yes yes yes, I love the way you said it: “The trick is to let yourself feel the sadness without becoming bitter.” Bravo!
Thanks for your comments, Kbot.
Laurie
I know it’s gotta be tough being married and trying to conceive, but try being single and not even having a partner on the horizon! That said, we can ALL find reasons to feel sorry for ourselves. The trick is to let yourself feel the sadness without becoming bitter, I think.
Some people go into debt for fertility treatments – like getting loans or charging it to their credit cards! I don’t think that’s a great idea, but each couple has to decide what works best for them.
Plus, as you said Anette, you don’t know how many IVF or IUI cycles you’ll have to go through until you get pregnant. It is very, very emotionally draining. I’ve only done IUI, and that was tough — so disappointing after 6 unsuccessful attempts. After 6, I needed to go on hiatus — take a break.
I think fertility treatments are worth saving up for, if you have the time! I’m 39, so need to get going on IVF right way. But if you’re in your early 30s, I think it’s better to save up than go into debt.
Laurie what can one do.The ivf is expensive i still dont know how am going to get such an amount.
Not only that,have you thought about the number of cycles you may have to go through and how to be prepared if it fails the first or second time.It is very challenging, am so confused myself.what about the psychological aspect especially when you are waiting for the result and wishing with all your inmost being that it is positive.Imagine….
Jamie, I hear you about the cost of infertility treatments. We’re trying an IVF cycle soon, and it’ll be $8-$10,000 for ONE month.
I just wish I knew if the IVF was going to get me pregnant…because if not, I’d go to Hawaii for a month or two!
Anette, staying inside and avoiding children and pregnant women is one way of coping with infertility….but I hate the thought of it! It just makes me feel more depressed that I have to hide away. But, I guess it’s that or go out and see pregnant couples and babies….and deal with that sadness!
Ugh. But, do you ever think that maybe you’re being spared FROM something? What if you had a child, and something happened that made you regret that you ever got pregnant? Maybe a health issue, or the kid goes and kills 12 classmates and a teacher….
I read the book “We Need to Talk About Kevin” by Lionel Shriver, and it’s about a mother whose son killed a bunch of his classmates, based on the Columbine and other shootings. This was a fictional book — a novel — but boy did it seem real!
So, ever since I read that, I’ve been wondering if maybe there’s a reason we’re not having kids….just a thought….
It’s difficult to focus on HOW to get pregnant when the only option available cost 20,000 and isn’t covered by insurance. That’s just my two cents.
I think they are right, because you have those bad days that you just feel like being in you own world.But you will have to stay indoor because outside there are children and pregnant women too and you will envy them.The good days I love,am just not myself then,but not for so long.
You both know how best to cope with your feelings — and you’re doing what you need to do. I think that’s great! It’s so important to know how to take care of yourself – what works and what doesn’t – and to honor your feelings. And your souls, because it can be soul-destroying to be around women who are pregnant when you’re coping with infertility.
Thanks for your comments, Saralucy and Karen…and I wish you all the best in your futures – babies or no babies…
I agree with saralucy, some times it’s better just to stay away. When I am having a particularly bad day, it can be hard to control what comes out of my mouth. I would rather avoid someone for a little while than say something I’d regret later. It’s easier to apologize for being absent than for saying something rude.
It might sound a bit cruel but my strategy is to stay away from pregnant friends and relatives (and there seem to be a lot of them) if I’m having a bad day. I’ve been trying to conceive for 2 years and have good days and bad days – some days I just know it’s not the right time to be around pregnant women or small children and I just arrange to be out of that situation. Other times I feel fine and make sure I show how happy I am for those people.