And, the worst thing for you as a man is that you can’t give her what she wants. But, you can help her in other ways…
“Signs of depression differ by personality and by gender,” says Rich Naran, author of Depression Caring Coping Loving Sharing Surviving Relationships. “The most intimate person – the partner of a depressed person – will perceive the subtle changes before a co-worker or a neighbor does. In fact, partners will see changes that others don’t grasp.”
To learn more about how infertility affects a woman’s psyche – and how to roll with the punch of depression – click on Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond by Anne Sheffield. And, read on to learn how to respond to your wife when she’s depressed because she can’t get pregnant…
Signs That Your Wife May be Depressed
If your wife is depressed, she won’t necessarily walk around crying or being sad. Rather, she may show signs of extreme fatigue, listlessness, isolation, weight gain or loss, changes in sleeping patterns, inability to concentrate, or feelings of being overwhelmed.
She may also show unexplained changes in behavior and withdrawal or detachment in communication or physically. If your wife is depressed, she may share irrational thoughts or even start to talk about extreme anxiety or phobias.
How to Help When Your Wife is Depressed
Learn all you can about depression. Depression can be the result of a chemical imbalance in the brain or a hormonal imbalance – it’s not necessarily caused by a difficult life or recent tragedy. Depression can even be caused by reduced exposure to sunlight or a lack of certain nutrients. Depression can also be the result of not being able to get pregnant – infertility depression. How her depression is treated depends in large part on the cause of the depression.
Never treat your depressed wife like a sick child. Let her know that you know something is wrong, but don’t demean her by “trying to cheer her up.” In fact, depression expert Rich Naran recommends never using the words “cheer up” in any way!
Learn about treatments for depression. Helping your wife depends on her signs of depression, as well as her level of acceptance of not being able to get pregnant. Because of the social stigma, denial and retreat are common when it comes to depressed feelings. This means that depression can affect not just your marriage, but also your friendships with others. To learn about solutions, read Natural Treatments for Depression.
Avoid being a crutch or “enabler.” If your wife is struggling with depression, don’t take over all the responsibilities at home or create a situation that allows her to stay depressed and not get help. You need to find the balance between giving space, and still encouraging your wife to get help for depression. Also, learn how infertility can affect your marriage - it might help you help your wife cope with depressed feelings.
Get help for your own feelings about infertility. If you feel guilty about your wife’s depression or because of male infertility, seek counseling or a support group. There are likely infertility counselors, trained depression experts, or support groups in your community. One way to help your depressed wife is to deal with your own feelings about infertility – especially if you feel guilty, ashamed, or devastated.
If you’re considering leaving your depressed wife, accept that there is no amicable way out. Make a clean break, not a slow agonizing weaning off, which only fosters more guilt, emotional pain, and stress. The breakup has to be clean, or it will mess up both your lives even more – it’s not easy but it is less traumatic over the long haul.
For more info, read How to Cope With Your Partner’s Depression. And if you have any questions or comments about helping your depressed wife cope with infertility, please comment below…
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