Knowing what to say – and what not to say – when someone has a miscarriage is difficult. Here, a mother of two describes how she coped with two miscarriages. She also offers some “do’s” and “don’t’s” that will help if you feel helpless when someone you know suffers a miscarriage.
“It was my very first pregnancy, and my first loss,” says Karen Plumley. “It took me eight years of marriage to get up the courage to become a mother, and all too soon, it was over.”
For more info about coping with a miscarriage, click on I Never Held You: A Book About Miscarriage, Healing, and Recovery by Ellen DuBois. To read Karen’s touching story and tips on knowing what to say when someone has a miscarriage, read on…
What to Say When Someone Has a Miscarriage
If you know a friend or a loved one who recently experienced a devastating loss, there are many ways to support her. There are also a few comments that she may not want to hear.
When someone you know has a miscarriage, do:
- Send a card or short note expressing your sorrow.
- Wait at least a week before calling.
- Offer to watch siblings.
- Suggest a girls’ night out movie, just the two of you.
- Indicate that you are there to listen and offer emotional support whenever needed.
- Share a personal story of loss.
When someone you know has a miscarriage, don’t:
- Start a group collection at work or among family members.
- Say, “It’s for the best” or “It’s God’s will”.
- Ask when or if she plans to try again.
- Give advice on how to go forward unless asked.
- Buy impersonal gifts.
- Gossip to other friends or family.
For related info, read Tips for Talking for People With Infertility. You may also be interested in Overcoming the Stigma of Infertility.
Here is a wonderful essay from Karen Plumley, who lost two babies…
Thankful
by Karen Plumley
On January 8, 1999, I wrote an entry in my journal to my unborn baby that her heart began beating. I did not realize at that moment that less than one week later my hopes and dreams would be shattered. It was my very first pregnancy, and my first loss. It took me eight years of marriage to get up the courage to become a mother, and all too soon, it was over. No picking names, no clothes or toy shopping, no birthing classes or showers would be happening for us. I sat in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, and watched as all of the other moms came and went with their huge bellies and glowing faces. I was thinking then that I must be the only one losing my baby. Why is this happening to us, to me? Did I do something wrong? Will I ever be able to have children? For so long I didn’t want to have them, and at that moment the grim reality might have been that I actually could not. More so than at any other time in my life, I felt like a complete failure: helpless and hopeless to stop this terrible thing from happening.
My First Pregnancy
When I first got pregnant, I told everyone. And they, in turn, told everyone else. As a result, I would have to go through the nasty business of telling everyone that it wasn’t meant to be. A change happened in me during this time, and I knew that my life as I once knew it was gone forever. I was experiencing guilt and I didn’t even have any children yet. The simplest of tasks became an ordeal. Grocery shopping always ended in tears: seeing moms with their babies at the store always did me in. Watching TV and seeing a diaper commercial was tough. The profound sadness I felt cannot be measured or explained. But, over time, I discovered that it could be shared. Slowly, as I began to open up to people, I also simultaneously realized that so many other moms have experienced miscarriage as well. I was really surprised to find this out and wondered how I was oblivious to this reality. I don’t know why I was so shocked; I certainly had trouble talking about it myself. People at work whom I knew for years, my hairdresser who had been my hairdresser since I was in high school, a neighbor, even my own sister-in-law shared their terrible experiences with me and I slowly began to regain myself, and feel better in the knowledge that I was not alone.
My Second Pregnancy
When I became pregnant for the second time 4 months later, things were much different. In another example of how things had changed, I could not enjoy a carefree pregnancy. I was not fluttering about like a bee and perky. I was hesitant, and scared. My husband and I didn’t tell a soul until I was well into my fifth month. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was worried that I might find spots of blood. And I did, because I had spotting with all of my pregnancies. But by some grace, we made it through to the end. And now, I have two children, even though I suffered through two miscarriages to get there. I’m thankful every day. I do not wish this ordeal upon anyone, but I’m oddly grateful to the women I know that did have miscarriages and were kind enough to talk to me about it. Without them I don’t know if I would have been brave enough to try again.
Do you have any thoughts or comments about knowing what to say when someone has a miscarriage? Please comment below…
Karen Plumley is a freelance writer and mother of two from New Hampshire.
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Hello Karen, Thank you for sharing. I lost my twins, Ben and Niki at 5 1/2 months pregnant. This pregnancy was a blessing after having been through numerous failed fertility cycles which were a rolling coaster ride and stressful on my relationship with my husband. I never will forget my children and am very thankful everyday for my children, Tyler and Katie. We adopted Tyler and Katie after our loss and fear of further treatments. We are now thankful everyday. I appreciate your shared thoughts and totally agree with the “what not to does”
Love, Laura Viscarello
Hi Karen-
So good to hear your story. I don’t think people realize that it happens to so many. I, like you, miscarried my first child in 1998. I remember thinking that I wouldn’t wish a DNC upon anybody. I remember sitting outside the E.R. after and wondering if anyone else felt the same way I did at the time. Since then miscarriage has happened to immediate family members and close friends. It is all too common. I love my two girls. We all have much to be thankful for this time of year.
Love,
Claudine
What gives me hope is hearing how many women do have children after suffering through miscarriages…I’ve even heard that many women miscarry without even realizing they were pregnant.
I’m glad you all went on to have families!
Thank you ladies for your touching comments. I wanted to also mention that I have received many emails directly about this blog post. One in particular pointed out a REALLY BIG DON’T that I would like to add here. It is this: NEVER say to someone WITH children who has recently suffered a miscarriage, “Well, at least you already have children.” Thanks AB.
And thank you all for taking the time to comment about this difficult subject and build upon the supportive community that Laurie PK has so graciously started!
