Before my tips, a quip:
“Rigid beliefs make disappointments seem unbearable, whereas realistic beliefs help us to accept disappointment and go on from there.” ~ Eileen Kennedy-Moore.
One way to live a childfree life happily is to learn to cope with disappointment, my friends. Below, I give examples of rigid versus realistic beliefs when it comes to accepting infertility. And, one of my favorite books about living a full life despite pain, disease, and disappointment is Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen. Click on the book for details — it is a very helpful, inspiring book. And, read on for six suggestions for living with the fact that you’ll never have children…
How to Live With the Fact That You’ll Never Have Children
Learn the difference between rigid and realistic beliefs. Two examples of rigid beliefs are: “parenthood makes people happy” and “my children are my life.” Those beliefs don’t allow for other ways to be happy or other ways to live a fulfilling, happy life! On the other hand, two realistic beliefs are: “parenthood is one way for people to be happy – and there are other ways” and “every person has a different life focus, a different life purpose. Children may or may not be part of a fulfilling, meaningful life.” To cope with infertility, let go of your rigid beliefs.
Avoid idealizing the thought of children. When we can’t have children, we sometimes fall into the trap of focusing on only the good parts of raising kids. We idealize everything about families, and forget the fact that our own children may have brought all sorts of problems! It’s not often that I hear parents say they regret having children, but I have heard it – and I suspect regret is more common than parents admit. To live with the fact that you’ll never have children, be open to the possibility that you weren’t meant to have kids for some reason. Be open to the possibility that you were spared something, and that a childfree life may be better for you.
Reevaluate your reasons for wanting children. A long time ago, I told a friend that I want kids so I’d have someone to take care of me when I’m old. She said that’s not a good reason to want children – you have to want them for them, not so you have someone to take care of you later. Plus, there’s no guarantee that you kids will take care of you when you’re old! When you’re learning to live with the fact that you’ll never have children, take a look at your reasons for wanting them. Maybe you want them because you’ve been conditioned to want them…certainly, some people have kids because they were raised thinking it’s the “right” thing to do.
Spend time with childfree couples. If you spend a lot of time with families or parents who can’t stop talking about how great their kids are, consider limiting those visits. Instead, spend time with couples who chose to be childfree, or who can’t have kids but are okay with it.
Focus on other things that make your life meaningful. My husband and I might never have kids – I’m not thrilled about the idea of in vitro fertilization, and I believe I’d be fine with not having children. I’d rather have kids, but I can see the benefits of a childfree life. Plus, I love my writing and blogging career, and I love inspiring people to achieve their goals! If you’re having trouble living with the fact that you’ll never have kids, try exploring other areas of your life. What warms your heart? What do you love to do?
Get counseling. If your sadness and disappointment is overwhelming, please see a fertility counselor – or any trained therapist. But, talking to someone who specializes in coping with infertility might be make a difference, because she understands the precise issues you’re dealing with. You might find 5 Tips for Forgiving Yourself for Infertility or Overcoming Depression When You Can’t Get Pregnant.
I know how disappointing and sad it is to cope with infertility. But, I also believe that we be sad about infertility and still live a happy, fulfilling, meaningful life! Having children is one part of life…not the whole meaning of our existence.
If you have any questions or thoughts on how to live with the fact that you’ll never have children, I welcome your comments below! And for more tips for couples coping with a childfree life, read Ways to be Happy After Infertility.
Are you trying to conceive a baby?
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If learning to live without becoming a parent is so lovely, why are all of the adds on this page geared toward helping one have children? How does one escape our mamocentric society?
Hi Jen,
I don’t think we can escape our mammocentric society. Rather, we have to learn to live happily amongst families, women trying to get pregnant, and sad couples who can’t cope with infertility.
Similarly, it’s hard to teach body image acceptance in our (North American) society, which is so heavily laden with skinny beautiful models and movie stars!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts — I appreciate your feedback.
Laurie
Hi again Jen,
Your comment gave me so much to think about, I had to write an article about it. Here’s the link; if you have any further comments or questions, I’d love to hear from you.
Living Without Children in a World of Families
Best wishes,
Laurie