When you’re trying to get pregnant, there’s nothing worse than getting your period. These tips for dealing with disappointment of not being pregnant will help you feel alive and hopeful again…
“Instead of berating yourself, look forward to how you and your partner are going to manage the situation,” says Yakov M. Epstein, a psychologist at Rutgers University and co-author of Getting Pregnant When You Thought You Couldn’t.
One way to deal with the disappointment of not being pregnant is take control. What are your next steps? To learn more about coping with infertility and getting pregnant even when you thought you couldn’t, click on Getting Pregnant. For six tips on dealing with the disappointment of not being pregnant, read on…
6 Ways to Deal With the Disappointment of Not Being Pregnant
1. Feel rotten. Instead of fighting or hiding your depressed, angry, disappointed, hurt or frustrated feelings, let them wash over you for a short time. Feeling nasty is much better than shoving the feelings down or expressing them in other ways, such as overeating, drinking, doing drugs, or being cruel. Let yourself feel rotten. You may feel like you’ll die from a broken heart…but you won’t. When you’re dealing with the disappointment of not being pregnant, it’s better to feel and deal with your depression for a short time than shove your feelings down for a long time.
2. Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault – or your partner’s fault – that you’re not pregnant. It doesn’t matter if you had an abortion when you were 16, or gave a kid up for adoption, or waited until you were 40 years old to start trying to get pregnant. You’re not being punished for your past, you’re just part of a couple coping with infertility – and there are a lot of us out there! Don’t fall into the blame game, and don’t get angry at or blame yourself or your partner.
3. Pull out of your life. Take a break from the heartache! Distract yourself with funny movies, vacations, new restaurants, yoga classes (or even fertility yoga), new recipes, watercolor classes at the local school or college, new hobbies, road trips, belly dancing lessons, and so on. As important as it is to feel the heartache, it’s also healthy to take a breather every once in awhile. Take a vacation. Laugh.
4. Stay connected. Don’t give up on your friends or family. You may not want to talk about the infertility roller coaster, but keep spending time with the people you love. You may be tempted to pull away, but isolation can make feelings of infertility worse. When you’re coping with infertility, focus on the simple things, such as holding one another when you cry or going for quiet walks. When you’re dealing with the disappointment of not being pregnant, it’s important to stay connected (real and honest) with your feelings and with your loved ones.
5. Stay healthy. Get enough sleep, eat nutritiously, go to yoga class, and find your own healthy ways to blow through the stress and disappointment of not being pregnant. The more physically fit your mind and body is, the better you’ll feel emotionally and mentally…and the quicker you’ll bounce back from the disappointment of not being pregnant.
6. Focus on your dreams and goals. For me, what works best is staying focused on my writing career. I love what I do, and it really helps me overcome the lows of the infertility roller coaster. To balance your life and not feel completely destroyed if you’re having trouble getting pregnant, find a way to follow your other dreams. If you don’t have other dreams, then create some. Don’t let your spirit die just because you’re coping with infertility.
Do you have any questions or tips on dealing with the disappointment of not being pregnant? I welcome your comments below…
~ Resources for Getting Pregnant & Fertility ~
If you're trying to conceive a baby, learn about getting pregnant easily and naturally.
Are you or your partner coping with low fertility levels? Try FertilAid for Women or FertilAid for Men.
And don't forget about vitamins and minerals, which are essential to a healthy pregnancy! Make sure you're taking the right Pregnancy Plus Prenatal Vitamins.
I recently started to persue getting pregnant because after a year of fighting against a precancer NIC/CIN III, my doctor told me to get started!! He dilatated my cerix and told me to start finding my baby. Its been 2 months and nothing has happened. I am 34 years old, not that young!! So I feel frfustrated. My doctor says I am fine, that it takes luck but I feel bad. I have to wait till January to see the doctor on my next appointment. I want to get it right this time. What should I tell him to proceed to do next as to help me get pregnant?
I understand it’s frustrating when you don’t get pregnant immediately, especially when it seems everyone around you does at the drop of a hat. The standard medical advice about trying for a baby is as follows: If you are under 35 years old, have unprotected intercourse (this includes no lubricant) for one year before contacting your doctor with concerns. If, however, you are over 35 years old the time shortens to 6 months.
Since you are on the cusp of turning 35 and you have a pre-existing condition your doctor is concerned about I would advise you to try for six months using an ovulation monitor such as Clear Blue Easy Ovulation Predictor Kit. Be sure to stay in bed for a minimum of 1 hour post-intercourse. For optimal sperm quality and potency, have your husband abstain from ejaculating one week and prior to your fertile week. Then proceed to have intercourse every other day during your peak fertility days and during your ovulation. To enhance your fertility seek care from an experienced Acupuncturist and Herbalist for both you and your mate. This will substantially increase your fertility, virility, and reduce your stress.
If after 6 months of trying in this fashion I would recommend that you see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) as this is their area of expertise from a western perspective. Tests from an RE give more information to your acupuncturist and herbalist to further enhance its effectiveness. It will also give you information as to whether you are candidates for intra-uterine inseminations, in-vitro fertilization or even sperm or egg donor recipients.
Good luck and remember to breathe, relax and enjoy!
Hello There. . .
I am 24 and my husband and 28
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for 8 months now. . . and nothing!! We honestly have sex every other day from the last day of my period to the first day of my next period.
I can’t understand for the life of me why we are not getting pregnant. I have really heavy periods and huge blood clots on a monthly bases.
WHen my mother was pregnant with my sister they found that she had endometriosis is this genetic and can this be stopping me from getting pregnant otherwise we are both healthy! What do you think i should do next?
Hi Meghan,
I’m sorry to hear it’s taking so long to get pregnant. I know how disappointing it is to get your period every month, and be so disappointed that you’re not pregnant!
Most doctors and fertility specialists recommend trying for one full year, and then getting a “fertility work up” done. If I were you, I’d call my doctor and ask if I should keep trying for another four months, or if he or she is willing to run a few tests now.
Here’s a link to my article about the first, most basic tests for men and women who are having trouble getting pregnant:
Basic Fertility Tests of an Infertility Work Up
At the end of that article is a link to an article about more complicated fertility tests, which are more invasive (and expensive!). But, you’ll start with the simple tests first, I would think.
Call your doctor, and see if you can go for a few tests now….and remember, it takes many couples several months to get pregnant! So far, you’re not abnormal…but you should definitely mention the endometriosis to your doctor, and ask him or her to test for that.
Good luck — let me know how it goes!
Laurie
Dear Laurie,
Thanks!!
My husband and I have been TTC for 10 months. I suspect that I have a short luteal phase (10 days) and ovulate around CD19 (according to the OPK I do every month). I have a 28 day cycle. I’m 33 and husband is 40. I went to my OB-GYN last month with my concerns but she told me to come back after trying for 12 months. I do think it’s a waste of time and money spent on OPKs and pregnancy tests every month when I know something is wrong. Why do I have to wait? Will the insurance not pay for my referral to the RE unless 12 months have past? I thought she (my OB) could have at least tested my progesterone levels, post ovulation, when I was already there for my Rubella resistance blood test. My sister needed progesterone for the first 12 weeks with both of her pregnancies. I don’t know if this is important but I have Beta Thallaseamia(sp?) and just wondering if that could have anything to with infertility or if I should take baby asprin since I have a high risk of forming blood clots? I am currently trying B6 along with my reg. vitamins to try to balance out my cycle, so far it hasn’t worked. What do you think of pre-seed? I know I have a hundred questions here but I look forward to hearing from you
Hi Danielle,
I think it’s standard practice to ask couples who are trying to conceive to keep trying for 12 months, because that’s usually how long it takes! You only have 2 more months to go — I suggest using that time to research as much as you can about obstacles to getting pregnant, fertility centers in your area, cost of fertility treatments, etc. Some clinics have a 2-3 month waiting period to see a specialist, so you might even want to call and book an appointment.
I don’t know about your medical health insurance and waiting for 12 months to pass. Your plan may have stipulations about that — you’d have to talk to your insurance broker directly.
In the next 2 months, you could also have your husband go for a semen or sperm test — or you could take an at-home fertility test. Those results can take a few weeks or months (if you go to a medical lab, and if you get more complicated tests done) — so you could get the ball rolling on that.
Some medical procedures or tests may not be covered by insurance, and you might consider getting those things taken care of now. There are some basic fertility tests that can reveal alot about infertility and problems getting pregnant. I don’t know if your insurance covers them, but it’s worth looking into!
Here’s a link to a test about the most basic, simple fertility tests:
Basic Fertility Tests of an Infertility Work Up
And finally, I don’t think you should take too many remedies for infertility without checking with your doctor. I can’t tell you if you should try pre-seed — it just depends on the reason you’re not getting pregnant. For instance, if your husband has azoospermia (no sperm at all), then you can take all the fertility treatments or remedies on earth and you still won’t get pregnant!
Book your next appointment with your OB-GYN for 2 months from now, and use the time to do some of the things I mentioned….
I wish you all the best, and hope you get pregnant tonight!
Blessings,
Laurie