Here’s what Jen said on my How to Live With the Fact That You’ll Never Have Children article:
“If learning to live without becoming a parent is so lovely, why are all of the ads on this page geared toward helping one have children? How does one escape our mammocentric society?”
The short answer is: we can’t escape our “mammocentric society.” We need to learn to live without children in a world that’s all about families, babies, and children. And, we women need to learn about the possibilities for self-identity outside of having kids! That’s what Childfree Women: Becoming, Being, and Belonging by Lisa Mortimore is all about. Click on the book for more info, and read on for my answer to Lisa’s question about living without children in a world of families…
Living Without Children in a World of Families
Realize that the world is full of impossible contradictions. One major example of this – not related to infertility – is that we want our girls to grow up with a strong body image and love for who they are. Yet, we surround them with gorgeous thin models on magazine covers and images of physical beauty that are impossible to live up to (movie stars!). To be healthy and happy, girls and women have to learn to live with these contradictory messages — there is no escape.
It’s the same with couples coping with infertility: we live in a world that focuses on babies and families. We infertile women and men have to accept that we can’t get pregnant, that we may not ever have our own children – and we can’t expect to live in a world that doesn’t include families or pregnancy advertisements! And, part of this world includes articles for women who are learning to live a happy childfree life — articles that have ads for infertility.
We can’t isolate ourselves from reality. And, I think pregnancy ads are reality, even on childfree living articles. And here’s why:
A happy life is a balanced, accepting one. On my Accepting a Childfree Life article, Jen said “Perhaps your advice might be better received if it were not accompanied by…21 ads for fertility help.” This is similar to her first comment, but not quite the same.
Here’s my response in the comments section of that article:
“Thanks for your thoughts, Jen! I really appreciate the feedback. Maybe this blog needs to go in one direction or the other: how to get pregnant, or how to accept a childfree life. Maybe I’m trying to cover too many bases by including both types of lifestyles.
Though, I’m trying to get pregnant AND I’m accepting childfree life at the same time. Does it have to be one or the other?
Anyway, thanks for the food for thought!
Laurie”
Trying to get pregnant AND accepting a childfree life. I am trying to get pregnant, and I am learning to live without children in a world of families. To be healthy and happy, I need to accept the possibility of both lives – and not just focus on one or the other.
I can’t wear blinders and surround myself with things that only support my lifestyle, wishes, or point of view.
Jen, if you’re reading this, I’m very glad that you commented! As I said, I appreciate your feedback and I’ve loved thinking about what you said. If you have further comments, I’d love to hear them below.
What do you think? If you’re childfree and feel like you’re living in a world of families, would you be happier if you never saw any pregnancy advertisements or infertility products ever again — especially on articles about living without children?
Are you trying to conceive a baby?
The more you know about getting pregnant quickly, easily, and naturally, the better!
I appreciate your well-considered response. I will look at the book you mentioned. The problem I often face is the idea that without children I am not a real person. This is not my feeling, but that of those I encounter. A scene from a movie I watched last night is a perfect illustration. Bridesmaids at a wedding were noticing an attractive man. One said, “Forget, he’s married.” Another asked, “Do they have children?” The response was no. She then replied, “Then it doesn’t count. If they don’t have children, it is not a real marriage.” And no I don’t agree with this, however there it is.
How does one move on in spite of constant in your face reminders, chastisements, diminishments etc. I would agree that going in separate directions with two blogs might be helpful. It would be nice to have a place where I am not blindsided and bombarded with how inadequate I am as a human being, because I do not have a child. One for those who are still considering and one for those like me (my spouse is infertile, no appeal) who will never have children despite deep felt desire and long time struggles in the face of adversity.
Jen and Laurie,
I can’t have children and i don’t feel inadequate because it’s like getting any disease: cancer, MLS, heart disease. Infertility is something I cope with just like I’d deal with getting diagnosed with a heart or brain condition.
Infertility doesn’t make me less of a woman. It’s just something I have, and I’ve learned to accept my life the way it is.
But sometimes I like to read articles about living a childfree life and other women coping with not having children because it does help to know I’m not alone
Ellie
It’s taken me several years of significant effort *not* to get worked up about pregnancy and fertility related ads. In many ways being a blogger writing on the challenges of coming to terms with infertility (hence, the blog name, Coming2Terms) and seeing about 50% of my readership end up pregnant acted as an inoculation of sorts. Now I measure my mellowness response to pregnancy related announcements, ads, etc., to see how far I’ve come. You’ll get there, too. I used to hate the old adage, time heals all wounds, when I was in the early stages but now with the passage of time I see it’s true.
thanks so much…
wishtobeamommy.com
I still feel that the point is missed. Perhaps it is just me. I don’t expect the entire world to shield me. A friend is happily pregnant and I am overjoyed for her. My life is what it is.
However, it does seem that there should be a place for me as well. A place where I can discuss my issues or read about others in similar circumstances without being bombarded by how utterly and undeniably wrong I am for making the choice to get off the merry-go-round. Modern medicine benefits greatly from infertility. They only make money if I buy into the concept that I will forever be an outcast unless I get with the program, spend tens of thousands of dollars and continue to struggle against impossible odds.
There are plenty of sights for women who have made the choice to continue trying and I applaud their courage and tenacity. There are O sites for those like me who seek who seek a safe haven. I suppose that only goes to illustrate my point.