IVF, IUI, adoption – there are many possibilities for couples coping with infertility! But, the time may come when it’s better to simply accept a childfree life.
Easier said than done, right? But listen…
“The willingness to win OR lose moves us out of an adversarial relationship to life and into a powerful kind of openness,” writes Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen in Kitchen Table Wisdom: Stories That Heal. “From such a position, we can make a greater commitment to life.”
Kitchen Table Wisdom is one of my all-time favorite books because it’s all about accepting both the bitter and the sweet parts of life. Dr Remen is an oncologist who never had children. She struggled with Crohn’s Disease for most her life, and when she was in her 20s had surgery to remove most of her intestines. Remen knows failure and heartache…and she teaches people how to bounce back to live full, passionate lives.
Accepting a Childfree Life
Be willing to “lose.” Is not getting pregnant or having children associated with feelings of failure, being a “loser”, or feeling less worthy or fulfilled than the mom next door? A first step to accepting a childfree life is expressing your feelings of pain and loss. Second, you have to be open to your life as it is. Instead of hating your body or wrestling with life, try opening your heart and mind to a life without kids. You don’t have to love it or be cheerful about it…but it’ll help you to accept not having kids as part of who you are.
Remember that everyone deals with something. My friend’s 19 year old son was recently killed in a car crash. I have ulcerative colitis; my husband and I are coping with male factor infertility (azoospermia). A writing colleague recently had a stroke, and can’t think clearly enough to write anymore. If you’re dealing with infertility, remember that it’s just a condition that you’re unfortunate enough to have…and we all have stuff. Knowing that I’m not alone in the pain life brings helps me accept a childfree life – and it helps me cope with infertility.
Surround yourself with childfree couples. We spend time with friends who have kids – but I most enjoy my friends who don’t have children, or who have grown children! I especially like my friends who have chosen never to have children. If it hurts you to spend time with pregnant friends or big families, then reduce those visits. I wouldn’t advise avoiding people altogether, but I think accepting a childfree life is easier when you’re with like-minded friends.
Practice letting go of sadness, bitterness, or regret. Getting and staying emotionally healthy is a daily choice. Accepting your childfree life is something you have to decide to do — perhaps every hour! Being okay with your life doesn’t happen overnight. And, feelings of acceptance don’t last forever (like bathing or putting food in your belly). To accept your childfree life, you have to accept that it’s an ongoing process. To ease the process of letting go of your hope for a family, read tips for not resenting your pregnant friends – they might help.
Do you have any thoughts about or tips for accepting a childfree life? I’d love to hear from you below…
Are you trying to conceive a baby?
The more you know about getting pregnant quickly, easily, and naturally, the better!
An infertility blogger wrote a book called Silent Sorority that you might want to consider for a book review. She and her husband are childfree, not by choice. Visit her website to learn more http://www.coming2terms.com.
Thanks for this tip, Kelly!
Pamela – the author of Silent Sorority – actually wrote “5 Steps to Coping With Infertility” on Quips and Tips for Couples Coping With Infertility a couple months ago.
Fabulous information — here’s the link:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/quipstipscouplesinfertility/health/5-steps-to-coping-with-infertility/
One thing I’ve learned: when you’re coping with infertility, some days are definitely better than others!
Laurie
I’m very afraid about how Crohn’s disease will affect my ability to get pregnant. I have some abdominal pain, often in the lower right area, and diarrhea. Should I go to see the doctor? Please help.
Yes, you should definitely see the doctor! The sooner you get any disease dealt with, the better.
As far as not having kids if you have Crohn’s disease — don’t resign yourself to infertility or accepting a childfree life yet! Crohn’s doesn’t usually affect your ability to get pregnant (though it can complicate things, depending on how bad it is).
Go see your doctor, start a treatment program, and be positive about your future family!
All best,
Laurie
I’m 49 years old, have been married for 18 years to a wonderful husband and do not have any children. We desperately wanted children but were unsuccessful. I experienced two miscarriages. My first miscarriage was at 6 weeks and I was 32 years old. My pregnancy was natural. We continuously tried to get pregnant without any success and at the age of 36 I decided to try IVF. This procedure was not available in the province of Newfoundland, Canada at that time and my husband and I travelled to Toronto, Ontario to TCART for the procedure. I was successful in getting pregnant, however, at 3.5 months, I miscarried. My miscarriage was caused by a uterine infection which entered into my bloodstream killing my baby wherein I ended up with septicemia and nearly died myself.
I am very fortunate and blessed that I survived, however, 12 years have passed and I still feel the pain of not having any children. Throughout the years, I have been asked many, many times why I don’t have children and who will take care of me when I get old. I also get very tired of hearing the phrase, “I would die without my children” or “my children are my life”, etc etc. One thing that I have learned is that some Mothers can be very cruel, especially when they say, “I can’t wait to be a grandmother,” and those that are, all they say is that “my grandchildren are my life”. I could say so much in return, however, I refrain, only to break into tears when I get home.
I would really like to connect with individuals who are in my situation or some advice on how to live my life without feeling sad most of the time.
Thank you!
Dear Madonna,
Thank you for sharing your story here. It’s great to hear from you. I’m on the other end of Canada — Bowen Island, BC — and I love hearing from fellow Canadians!
Infertility is so sad, isn’t it? I’m almost 40, and we don’t know if we’ll have kids. My hubby has azoospermia, and I’m not big on trying in vitro fertilization. We’ve tried intrauterine insemination, but it didn’t take after 6 months. I think we’ll try for another 6 months…
But to get to your question! I hope other women who can’t have kids are able to open up and connect with you here. I know hundreds of women are reading these articles every day, but not everyone comments.
My heart goes out to you. I think that the pain of a childless life never goes away. Just like the pain of losing a child, of losing a spouse — there are so many life tragedies that we never fully recover from.
I just wrote How to Live With the Fact That You’ll Never Have Children with you in mind. I hope you read it, and I hope it helps a little!
And, I wonder if you should take a break from your friends who are so into their children and grandchildren? The more time I spend with families and moms, the more I wish I had kids. But when I spend time with my friends who don’t have (or want) kids, or who have kids but don’t consider them the absolute be-all and end-all of life, I feel better about my own situation! I love those parents, who love their kids but who have very active lives, careers, hobbies, etc aside from their children.
Everyone has different pain in their life. A friend of mine recently lost her 18 year old son in a drunk driving accident (he was the passenger; his friend the drunk driver survived). SO much pain there: my friend, the boy who was driving under the influence and who feels he killed his best friend, his mom, their friends….
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that we’re coping with inferitility, and it’s awful. But, everyone is coping with something. You know what I mean? Everyone you meet is facing a hard battle — whether they have kids or not.
To choose to be happy in the face of whatever pain we’re dealing with is the true meaning of life, of success, and of happiness. Choosing to be happy is painful and difficult, and it’s something we have to do throughout every day! It’s not one choice that lasts forever, it’s a choice that we have to make every hour.
Anyway, I just want you to know you’re not alone.
Have you considered mentoring other women who are coping with infertility? Is there a support group or something in your area? Connecting with others in our situation — like you’re trying to do here — can be very helpful.
I wish you all the best, and welcome you back anytime! Please do keep in touch.
If you have any comments or disagree with anything I’ve said, I welcome that too. I’ve got a tough skin!
Take care,
Laurie
Perhaps your advice might be better received if it were not accompanied by…21 ads for fertility help.
Thanks for your thoughts, Jen! I really appreciate the feedback.
Maybe this blog needs to go in one direction or the other: how to get pregnant, or how to accept a childfree life. Maybe I’m trying to cover too many bases by including both types of lifestyles.
Though, I’m trying to get pregnant AND I’m accepting childfree life at the same time. Does it have to be one or the other?
Like I said, thanks for the food for thought!
Laurie
Hi again Jen,
Your comment gave me so much to think about, I had to write an article about it. Here’s the link; if you have any further comments or questions, I’d love to hear from you.
Living Without Children in a World of Families
Best wishes,
Laurie
I strongly oppose the idea of thinking that childlessness and infertilty are anything tragic. As a matrophobe who do not want to become a mother myself, I believe that infertility is a blessing. It is the misconception of procreation as a “must” which causes us, people who don’t ever want to have children, to get shunned by the convention of society. I am 32 years old. I went to a obestrician requesting a tubal ligation. That doctor hestiated to give me one because I look younger than my age and have no children at all!!!! Being child-centric is just like being ethnocentric or homophobic. It is denying that people like me, who is fertile but never wants to children, ever exist!!!! Having children is not for everybody. And if anyone is not able to have children at all without needing a tubal ligation or a vasectomy, God bless!!!!
Dear Judy. I applaud your strength in choosing rather than letting life happen to you. Society often attempts to impose itself on what should be a personal decision. I am also childless, but by marriage not by choice. It is a greatly different experience. I feel strongly that having or not having children should be a conscious choice. Oddly, I know many people who just drifted into parenthood by happenstance. I am not sure why this gives them the moral high ground and yet… In any case, I wanted to share that my older sister also chose not to have children. At 53, she and her husband are still very happy with their decision.