If you’re dating and you know you can’t get pregnant because of female infertility, you might be wondering how to tell your boyfriend. Here are a few suggestions for talking about infertility…
A reader emailed me with this question:
“I had a really bad case of endometriosis, and I know I can’t get pregnant now. I’m only 22. When do I tell my boyfriend that I’m infertile?”
Below are my suggestions for her, plus a few extra tips for telling your boyfriend or girlfriend you can’t have kids. For more information for couples coping with infertility, read What to Do When You Can’t Get Pregnant: The Complete Guide to All the Technologies for Couples Facing Fertility Problems by Daniel Potter and Jennifer Hanin.
And, here are a few tips for telling your boyfriend you can’t get pregnant…
Talk about infertility in your dating relationship when you start getting serious. If you’re talking about living together, getting married, or starting a family then you should definitely talk about the fact that you can’t have kids. Be as honest as you can about why you can’t get pregnant.
Be prepared to discuss the options for couples coping with infertility. The more you know about in vitro fertilization, intrauterine insemination, surrogate mothers, sperm donors, adoption, fostering, and accepting a childfree life, the better you’ll feel about the possibilities. When you’re telling your boyfriend that you can’t get pregnant, don’t present it as a depressing “no win” situation.
Remember: how you feel about infertility affects how your boyfriend will respond. If you’re devastated, angry, or bitter that you can’t get pregnant, then your boyfriend may mirror your feelings. If you’re accepting and matter-of-fact, then your partner may react the same way.
Don’t assume that your boyfriend will end your dating relationship. Some people are happy to try different ways of getting pregnant, and aren’t married to the idea of having their own biological children. Don’t assume that your partner will want to leave if you can’t have kids! And, don’t assume that he or she will happily consider infertility treatments or other ways to have a family. Give your partner space and time to adjust to the idea, and formulate a response. The response could be immediate, or it could take a few weeks – it just depends on personality traits, family situations, lifestyle, etc.
There are other ways to cope with fertility and start a family – so a diagnosis of male or female infertility does not mean the end of a family! Don’t give up hope, even if you know you can’t get pregnant. Many families are incredibly happy with their adopted children, foster children, surrogate children, or even living a childfree life.
And, let go of your feelings of guilt about not being able to get pregnant. For help, read 5 Tips for Forgiving Yourself for Infertility.
You might also find Can Your Relationship Survive Infertility? helpful.
What do you think about telling your boyfriend that you can’t get pregnant? I welcome your comments and questions below…
Dear Chelsea,
My heart goes out to you – it’s terrible to find out you can’t have kids. Endometriosis can bring a double whammy: both physical pain and emotional distress that you can’t get pregnant. It sounds like you’ve been through alot!
I wrote this article for you:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/tips/cant-have-kids-endometriosis/
I hope it helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
Blessings,
Laurie
im only 16 and iv been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now but even at my age i have had alot. i suffer very badly with endometreisis and now i have just been told it has caused cysts on my ovaries but i also cant have kids becasue of how severe it is. since i found this out all i have done is cry myself to sleep for the last 2 weeks but he is very supportive but i know it has killed him inside and i know he wanted to be a dad so much but i cant give him that
i just want things to turn around for me for once. i dont know what to do anymore ?
I would like to say i completely resent my partner since i told him about me having endo. It has cause so many fights as im in panick mode trying to get life sorted so we can start trying or atleast try IVF and he couldnt give a shit about me. He dosent want kids now! So i’ll prob be childless for the rest of my life and im not ok with it. I plan on doing IVF once i save up enough money and my partner has the choice to be involved or not. It dosent worry me getting a sperm donor in the slightest. I dont care if i have to do it on my own if it means my chances a higher. I have alot of love to give and no man can take that away from me!
I listened to your advice and I just wanted to thank you. I finally told my fiance, and yes, he was devistated and cried with me, but he is still here and he loves me. I just wanted to thank you.