How to Overcome Infertility Depression When You Can’t Conceive
Yes, you can overcome infertility depression when you can’t conceive – but it takes work. These tips range from letting go of certain words to uniting with other couples who can’t get pregnant…
Before the tips, a quip:
“If we give up the notion that everybody’s life but ours is perfect, we would be a lot happier,” says psychologist Dr Joy Browne. “Nobody’s life is perfect.”
Even if you did get pregnant right away, your life wouldn’t be perfect! Whether or not we get the desires of our heart, there will always be wrinkles and blemishes. If you’re stuck in despair or self-pity, read The Nine Fantasies That Will Ruin Your Life (and the Eight Realities That Will Save You) — it’s a great “reality check.”
And, here are several tips for overcoming infertility depression…
How to Overcome Infertility Depression When You Can’t Conceive
Stop the pity parties
Feeling like a victim and blaming other people keeps infertility depression going strong. Instead of thinking about how lousy your life is – and how sad you are that you can’t conceive, and how you wish things could be different – find ways to empower yourself. What does a survivor look like to you? Figure out who she is, and be her.
Listen to what works for other couples who can’t get pregnant
Do you have any friends, family members, or acquaintances who overcame infertility depression? Talk to them. Seek different perspectives, other people’s opinions, and sound advice.
Let go of the words “never” and “always”
Just because you’re not pregnant now doesn’t mean you’ll never get pregnant! Just because you’re struggling to overcome infertility depression now doesn’t mean you’ll always feel sad or anxious. It may help to remember that this is a stage that won’t last forever. Something will change in your life.
Stop the “If you loved me, you’d know” method of communication
Instead of expecting your partner, friends, or family to figure out how you feel, try volunteering information about your thoughts and feelings. Don’t make people guess or pry it out of you. Be clear and honest about how you feel, and don’t expect people to know what you’re struggling with.
Remember that problems aren’t always insurmountable obstacles
Sometimes problems are just bumps in the road. For instance, I once thought the cost of ovulation predictor kits were a huge obstacle…and now I know that they’re just a little problem. To overcome infertility depression, don’t take life’s everyday challenges (the cost of pregnancy tests or temperature gauges, for example) and make them into huge obstacles.
Let go of the need to control life when you can’t get pregnant
Let go of the urge to be in control of all situations at all times. Don’t feel like you have to always be in charge of everything from how your husband’s sperm count and motility to the month in which you want to give birth. Getting pregnant isn’t always something you can control.
Remember that you’re not alone on the infertility roller coaster
You’re not feeling feelings that are all that different from everybody else, my friend. It’s not you against the world. Other couples coping with infertility do understood what you’re going through. To overcome infertility depression, unite with with people who have experienced the same things.
If you have any thoughts or questions on these tips for overcoming infertility depression, please comment below.
Category: Getting Pregnant, Health & Wellness, Infertility Depression & Anxiety, Infertility Hope & Acceptance, Life Goals
My wife and I have been TTc for 1.5 years. I took a semen analysis 6 months ago and had 5% rapid motility. I was put on a daily vitamin and now my sperm are great. Since then we have had three months of the big negative sign. How can I keep my wife positive. She is in depression and mentions divorce and no will to live. I love my wife more than anything and still believe we can get a positive. Thanks.
I have to agree with heather about the tone of this article. It really rubbed me the wrong way. I would love to stop being depressed/sad over infertility. I work full time, volunteer, run, have hobbies yet I’m still sad over infertility. It’s still something that carries a stigma so like many I don’t feel as if I can talk about it. So I silently suffer along with my partner.
Even if you are positive or have the ability to block those negative feelings out sometimes they come rushing back and youcant control them. How am I suppose to feel? I’m genuinely happy for my friends and coworkers who are pregnant and mothers already but I can’t help but have a small pity party when my pregnant coworker complains non stop about her pregnancy and ends every conversation with when you are pregnant then you’ll see. The reality is despite all these tests & treatments & IVF it still might not happen. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ok with that. I under stand what you were trying to convey with this article, but the tone is just wrong. It reminds me of my friend who told me not to worry I’d get pregnant eventually. Just be patient. Ummmm no it’s only going to happen if IVF actually works one time. Her attitude was so flippant and ignorant . Not helpful at all.
Trust me, I’d love to think myself out of this saddness.
Hi, I just felt the need to share.
My husband and I have been TTC for almost 4 years now. We eventually got tested mid-2011 and the verdict was male factor infertility.
It was difficult to digest because from thinking it was something that could be easily corrected, our only option jumped to being IVF/ICSI with TESE sperm. By the end of October 2011 our first try was negative. Needless to say it was devastating for both of us and we don’t have the cash to back another cycle just yet.
My husband didn’t want to share our infertility with anyone and because it’s MFI, I respect his decision. The last few months however, have been very tough for me and I’ve started to feel very isolated emotionally, from everyone and even from my husband.
On the surface it seems that if were able to just try again, things would be easier to cope with but I honestly know the infertility has deeply affected us each individually and has rippled into our relationship.
I think we’ve reached our breaking point of not knowing how to move past this.
My husband and I have been trying to conceive for almost two years. It seems like five. He is strong and tries to help me stay sane. when he goes to sleep, I stay up and cry. I know there are worst things that can happen to us, but this feels like the worst. I’ve never felt so heart broken in my life. I have many nieces and nephews and love them dearly. The thought of being the one without kids hurts. I always thought I would have a big family. When I got married, I thought two would be good. Now one may not even happen. My tubes are both blocked, so our only option is IVF. I’m willing to go into debt trying. the alternative is not an option. Every time we get more tests done, my heart breaks more. I just found out that my husband and I are both sickle cell carriers. We can possible have a baby with the disease. One more hurdle in a road that has resulted in the rapid decline of our marriage. He loves me, but it’s like loving an wounded an emotionally numb person. I worry about him and wonder how long he’ll do this. I wonder when I’ll feel normal again. I don’t talk about it with anyone. I’ve told my best friend that she would not understand, so why bother talking to her. My parents would not agree and I don’t need that either. We maybe starting IVF soon, if the genetic counseling goes well. He’s worried that I’m not strong enough. At 39, I don’t have to waste. He’s worried that the meds will make me sick. Yes, this day will one day be the past, but today really sucks.
One day we will be mothers and much like given birth, we will forget the pain. we may never be mothers and be forced to remember, but the pain will slowly fade.
I pray for a baby every day. I will add all who feel the same heartbreak I feel to my prayers.
Dear Leah,
Thank you for sharing your experience here; I’m so sorry to hear about your difficulty getting pregnant. I find that infertility depression can seem overwhelming at times, and isn’t too bad at other times. Sometimes I’m so sad when I see babies, and other times I’m glad I’m not a mother because the baby seems like more than I can handle!
Stay positive, my friend. Many thousands of women get pregnant against all odds — and a big part of it is staying faithful and hopeful! Don’t let infertility depression overwhelm you.
I also think it’s important to create a fulfilling life outside of your desire to have children. For me, it’s writing and blogging – I love my Quips and Tips blogs, and I want to be a published author one day. Those goals make my sadness that I may never get pregnant easier to bear, because my life isn’t wrapped up in having children.
Keep me posted; I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Blessings,
Laurie
PS I always wished my name was Leah! And Rosie
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a year and a half. We had my husband tested first, and everything came back fine for him. I had a teratoma 2 years ago, and I ended up having to lose an ovary due to that. I tried to stay positive and believe I would still become pregnant. I finally went and had my hormone levels checked and it turns out I do not ovulate, even though I am regular and get a period every month. I have a lot of close friends and family that have given birth this year and it honestly has left me heartbroken. I feel so alone, and I cry when I hear my friends talking about all their baby experiences. I dream of the day when it will be my turn. I know I have a pity party sometimes, but it honestly hurts to hear about babies. I feel like such a bitter, angry person. My doctor wants to start me on Clomid, so I pray that this will be what I need and will help me. I never realized how bad I wanted something until it seemed unlikely to get it. I hope someday the sadness will go away. Thanks for letting me vent!! No one around here understands my pain, thats why I am happy I found this site.
Dear Katie,
I’m so sorry to hear about how you can’t get pregnant, and your struggles with infertility depression. That’s such a long time to keep being disappointed, year after year…heartbreaking.
I wish you all the best with your new tests, and hope you find some answers!
Blessings,
Laurie
I am 27 and have been trying for a baby for roughly 8 years to no avail. I’ve been to 3 different doctors who can’t find anything wrong with me. I thought I coped with this until very recently were the yearning for a baby has got very strong indeed. I have had doctors doors closed on me so many times. Me and my husband are just about to start new tests again and hopefully will get to know what’s wrong. I cry most days at the minute and try and talk to people but its like if you’ve had that yearning you don’t fully understand what i’m feeling its very hard to explain how inadequate it makes you feel not being able to produce the 1 thing it should be easy to do.
Dear Helen,
I am SO sorry I missed your comment and question! I went on vacation for almost 3 weeks, and have alot to catch up on.
It sounds like you’re struggling with infertility depression — but it’s so difficult to just “get over it” because it’s all around us. Like you said, our friends are having babies, we see children everywhere, and our own hormones make us want to conceive and give birth.
I think the most important thing you can do is to get active. You mentioned you don’t have a job — and I think the simple act of having to get up in the morning and go somewhere can help fight infertility depression. Work can bring meaning and purpose to our lives — and not having a job can increase depression.
If your job search is taking a long time, I encourage you to find volunteer work. Find ways to be needed, to help other people…I really believe that will help you overcome infertility depression.
I also think it’s important to remember that you may never be okay with the fact that you can’t get pregnant. It may always be a source of sadness for you. Maybe you’ll never overcome your feelings…and maybe that’s just part of being human, of being a woman who wanted children but couldn’t have them.
Helen, I hope you’re doing well — I’d love to hear from you again!
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
I wanted children since I was 18, now I am 40 and I still do not have children.
I was able to bury the negative thoughts about infertility for a few years now, as I had a very demanding job.
Now I am in between jobs, and I believe I have developed depression caused by infertility.
Seeing that other couples succeeded where we did not, it is so painful. I love to play and look at other people children; but, when I leave them my heart is broken. .
The next day I feel like doing nothing, roaming around the house like a zombie.
I feel like this 2-3 days a week.
Recently I heard that the friends I had in school have children now, that hurt so much, and I do not feel like talking to them again.
What steps I need to follow to overcome these feelings? What do I need to do?
Thanks,
Helen
Also, Lisa — maybe your husband just needs to take a break.
Maybe you and he could agree to leave the pregnancy thing alone for six months or even a year, and then talk about it again?
I needed to take a break after six months of infertility treatments. It wasn’t that I was done trying to get pregnant forever; I just needed a break!
Dear Lisa,
I’m sorry to hear that your husband doesn’t want to try to get pregnant anymore…that really leaves you out in the cold, doesn’t it? It’s hard enough to be struggling with infertility, and even worse when you feel all alone. And with a baby boom at work, too! My heart goes out to you.
I think it’s important to find people who understand, women you can talk to in person. Is there an infertility support group in your area? That’s a great way to start coping with your feelings of isolation and loneliness.
Infertility forums and message boards online are okay, but I really think in-person support is vital. You need someone you can hug, who understands what you’re going through, and who you can talk to! A support group offers support and guidance and counseling, which will help you figure out the next stage of your life.
Even if there isn’t a “formal” infertility support group in your area, can you find other women who can’t have kids? It may SEEM like you’re all alone, but trust me…you’re not. My husband and I can’t have kids, and I find that the more people I talk to about it, the more people I discover who also can’t have kids!It just takes me opening up, and suddenly I feel like I’m surrounded by women who are going through the same thing.
I hope this helps….what do you think? Can you reach out to an infertility support group, church, or even a depression support group? Is there anything like that in your area?
Blessings,
Laurie
What’s even worse is that, after 3+ years of trying my husband
has decided that he’s “over it” and doesn’t want to try anymore.
We aren’t using birth control, so to speak, but he is making
Sure that it can’t happen. So now I am left devastated
And heartbroken. I have no one to talk to that understands.
To make matters worse, we are having our own baby boom at work
(Like 10 people) and I have to deal with this every day! I am
So stressed out that I’ve been having chest pains and crying
Daily. I’m in my early 30′s (hubby in his late 30′s) and
I wasn’t ready to give up yet. Where do I go from here?
John,
Thanks for your comment, for sharing your grief here. My husband is also one of six children, and family is very, very important to him. We can’t have children.
I agree that infertility depression comes and goes. Sometimes we’re quite sad about it; other times we’re fine just focusing on our dog and life outside of kids.
Reaching out to other individuals and couples who can’t have kids is one of the best ways to deal with infertility depression…and I hope you don’t feel so alone. There are many of us out there who feel the same way, and are grieving the same sadness.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hello folks,
Men get depressed about infertility, too. My wife and I have not used artificial birth control for our nearly five years of marriage. We’re having a devil of a time getting pregnant, and we’re not getting any younger. Both of us were in our 30′s when we married. So, the clock is ticking.
My depression comes and goes in waves. Presently, this evening I’m having a difficult time. I needed to reach out, hence why I’m reading the internet and responding to this article.
I’m grieving the loss of never being able to participate in the creation of life that birthing a newborn would allow. I’m grieving the loss passing on the family name…I am the only son of six children. I’m grieving the loss of many, many things that comes with bringing your own biological children into this world.
Thank you for your kind attention.
Sincerely yours, John
Dear Alexandra,
I’m so sorry that I missed your comment — I don’t know how I lost track of you!
If you’re still around, please let me know how you’re doing these days.
And Liz, thank you for being here! Your input is deeply appreciated.
Blessings,
Laurie
Hi Alexandria,
Sorry to hear about your situation- it can be incredibly sad/frustrating/isolating but you’re right it starts to help when you realise it is a common thing felt by people experiencing infertility. For many women with PCOS, diabetic drugs such as metmorphin can regulate periods & bring a pregnancy without IVF. You could speak to a GP about this when ready & you maybe pointed to an endocrinologist. You should also have a low gi diet- which is something you could start now
It can get quite depressing thinking of the possibility of never being able to have children or even thinking of the process of IVF. I have been getting those feelings for the last few years, although I’ve been starting to deal with them better lately. Our infertility is unexplained, almost 2.5yrs.
Like you, I love babysitting & also love teaching sunday school for little kids. Perhaps one thing you can do is (avoiding newborns!) keep being a positive role model for the young ones in your life & use it as a time to become the best parent you can be for any future children.
If you would like to talk more, how about email me on lizboughton@gmail.com. I’d be happy to listen to you spill your feelings/frustration/despair as you hang on.
Hi…
Umm I’m not exactly sure where to go about this issue but, I thought that this article was helpful. It struck a chord with me.
I’m 20 years old and suffering from PCOD/PCOS… I know I’m young and it may seem irrational but, ever since I was young I’ve always seen myself as a mother. I’ve babysat and become a mother figure to many children/ young people I’ve met. I have never experienced a menstrual cycle in my life without it being brought on with pills and staying on daily BC pills.
When I was younger it was enough to have fanciful daydreams and be content with babysitting. However, at the age of 17 and still never had so much as a spotting episode. At first my doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
I had many ultrasounds all of which were there to prove that I actually had a uterus and ovaries. All of which I was happy to hear were there. They just couldn’t explain why I wasn’t ovulating. I went undiagnosed (well, under the radar of my insurance) after many blood tests, revealing that I had a testosterone levels being that of a man, that I most likely had PCOS.
Well having never gone through puberty, I’m not as attractive/ curvy as normal women which never helped my self-esteem. However, I was disappointed that since the only way I had a menstrual cycle and BC pills are a contraceptive it came to my mind that I might never have children naturally.
I don’t think the depression truly hit home until my boyfriend of about a year and a half now came into my life and subsequently a few weeks later three very important women in my life thought they were pregnant. One suffers from Endomitriosis (sp?), so I was happy for her. Unfortunately my mother figure was not.
Ever since that day I’ve had a huge urge to have a child of my own. It’s not financially possible or physically at this point since I’m in a long distance relationship. I was fine with my boyfriend’s decision not to want to have children yet. He’s 25 and I know that since I’m in college and want my child to have a good life that I need to get my degree.
I try to hide my bouts of severe depression from my boyfriend. He knows my infertility issue and luckily he accepts it. It is just very hard for me to deal with crying most of the time and ending up hating people who get pregnant so easily.
I just found out about infertility depression and it fits why I’m depressed so often. I know that I’m young, like I said and know there are options like IVF. I just get so depressed at the silliest of times for seemingly no reason. Being around the newborns just makes me teary and jealous.
I know I also probably shouldn’t have spilled my guts like I have here but, I’m looking for help on how I can handle this. (My therapist won’t even breach this issue with me when I talk about children). So I’m reaching out on the internet to see if anyone can help. If not, that’s alright. I’m really just looking for support and any form of help.
Thanks so much.
Thanks for your comment, Minni…infertility depression is different for every woman, and it seems like every woman has a different way of overcoming it.
Sadness that we can’t have kids comes and goes for me, too. Some days I’m okay with it, and others I’m quite depressed.
.-= Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen´s last blog ..7 Cheap Ways to Lose Weight and Save Money on Your Workouts =-.
I know that it has been proven that when a women is more positive and doesn’t let the “needing to get pregnant” urge become your only focus that in fact thats when a women becomes pregnant ….
Ive heard so many positive outcomes after the storms and disasters of being infertile for months or years. And yes i do admit that i throw pity party at times . But what does that say of me, that im human, that im a women yearning to be a mother, that im persistent and a survivor because yet after a negative HPT i cry and get the baby blues then i pick myself up and look forward to the following month with even more excitement. God says that he gives us the desires of our hearts
“What does a survivor look like to you? Figure out who she is, and be her.” I am the survivor
Good luck to the rest of you ladies !!
I am infertile and have been trying to conceive for 5 years. generally I am not depressed about it however there are moments when the stress, expense and disappointment of failed treatments is overwhelming.
Stop the pity parties is your first recommendation ? Pulease. So the message is if we just stopped feeling sorry for ourselves then everything would be honkey dorey? There is nothing in this article which is remotely useful and the whole tone is that infertility related depression is essentially our fault for not being more positive.
I would recommend an infertility support group or therapist, believe me they would be much more helpful and positive.
THe reality is, the pain of infertility will take you by surprise even if you do not have a negative outlook. It has been shown that an infertility diagnosis is as hard as having cancer – would you recommend a cancer victim just stop the pity party?
“Just because you’re not pregnant now doesn’t mean you’ll never get pregnant!”
How do you know that for sure?
Thanks for your comments, Carrie and Kat!
Carrie, I’m glad you’re okay with being childfree…whether people believe you is less important than what you believe, and how you feel.
Kat, my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for four years. We’re looking at “true” infertility and thinking we may never have kids — and that doesn’t always bring devastating emotions beyond description. For some couples coping with infertility, there’s more to life than having kids. Some people can roll with it better, I think. It depends on personality, environment, lifestyle, family — lots of factors affect whether or not a couple is overwhelmed with infertility depression.
You’re right; no woman should be made to feel guilty or weak for experiencing painful, devastating emotions.
Laurie
While this may be helpful information for people early on in the process, for couples suffering from real infertility, much of this insulting. Sometimes “never” is the truth. We’re not worried about paying $20 for OPKs, we’re looking at $25,000 for an IVF donor egg cycle that may or may not work. And I urge you to try to find one truly infertile woman who is concerned with which month she gives birth.
These sound like complaints that come from someone who has been trying to get pregnant for three or four months and has been unsuccessful. True infertility brings devastating emotions beyond description, and no woman should be made to feel guilty or weak for experiencing them.
Thanks for this article. I don’t have children, and I’m not suffering from infertility depression. But my sister won’t leave me alone about it! She thinks that having kids is the most important part of a woman’s life, and doesn’t believe me when I say that I’m okay with being childfree.
Carrie