You’re right that your marriage won’t magically be “fixed” or happier because of a baby. Research and many couples’ experience shows that having kids actually reduces the quality of marriage because of the stress and energy that children require.

If your marriage is rocky now, it’ll get rockier if your wife does get pregnant.

I think you and she should focus on building a strong, healthy, happy marriage before you decide about fertility treatments (or adoption, or fostering).

And, I think your wife needs to talk to women who coped with infertility, who are over age 40 and who are living fulfilled, happy lives despite the fact that they never had children! Your wife may be surrounded by women with families, and may think children are the ONLY way to have a happy life. But that’s not true.

Coping with infertility and marriage takes time, effort, and energy — especially if one or both partners really want to have children. It’s hard, it’s painful, and it may feel impossible. But, the time and effort you put into your marriage now will make both you and her happier in the long run.

I hope this helps a little, and wish you all the best in your marriage.

Blessings,
Laurie

She is afraid to make the decision to do IVF because of the cost and possible failure. But so she thinks it will naturally happen. I keep asking her if she really thinks this baby is going to fix our marriage problems. She said she doesn’t know but at least she will have something to look forward to.

She says she is not suicidal, but she keeps saying her life is over if she is not pregnant by the time she is 40. She will be 39 in a few months.

I think she has all of the classic signs of infertility depression.

Am I wrong to think this is not the time to bring a child into this world with the issues she has mentally.

Infertility has taken all the problems our marriage has, and that I mentioned before, and shone a bright light on them. I can’t speak for her, but I feel as though a terrible truth has been revealed to me. The cruellest thing of all is that YES, I DO love my wife. Contrary to popular opinion (and music) however, you need a whole lot more than just love to make a relationship last the long haul.

My husband can’t have kids, and I want to get pregnant. So, I know how your wife feels….and I would be devastated if my husband left our marriage because of male infertility. I’d rather be with him and not have kids, than with some other guy and have children.

I encourage you to talk to your wife — ask her if she wants to your marriage to end. If she says she wants to stay married, then you need to LISTEN to her. Do not assume you know what she wants, or what would make her happiest. You don’t know how she feels or what she thinks unless you ask her…and then you must believe her.

Women don’t just need a “fertile man” to make them happy! They need love, connection, and communication. Your wife is MUCH more than a body who wants to get pregnant.

The lack of intimacy may be a result of the infertility treatments and disappointment. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have a “bad” or unhealthy marriage — it’s a normal part of this whole infertility journey. I wonder if your statement that “your marriage isn’t that great anyway” is a justification or rationalization for leaving her.

Please talk to a marriage counselor — one who is experienced in helping couples cope with infertility. Don’t give up on your marriage yet! Find ways to reconnect with your wife, my friend.

You’ll never regret doing the best you can to build a better marriage…but you might regret leaving your wife.

Keep in touch.

Blessings,
Laurie