Note that this reader’s offer to donate sperm has nothing to do with my fertility website.

I think you need to respect your friend’s response: it’s authentic, real, and incredibly valid. And, you need to let it go.

My husband and I asked two men to donate sperm: a close friend and my brother-in-law. Both guys said no, because of the exact reason your friend is hesitating. It DOES muddy the waters, and it’s not as easy as “we’ll keep it a secret and nobody ever has to know.”

If two people know, then it is no longer a secret. And it’s not only unfair to the child not to know who his biological father is, it’s potentially disastrous. Research shows that adopted children – and children conceived in fertility clinics – are better off knowing about their roots.

I think that you’ve made a beautiful, kind, generous, loving offer to your friends. If someone offered me his sperm, I’d be all over it!

But you need to respect your friend’s decision, and not bring it up again. They’re aware of your offer, and if they change their minds — which DOES happen as the years go by, believe me! — they will say something to you.

I hope you can accept their decision for what it is, and accept and enjoy their friendship without resenting them.

Thank you for sharing your story; I’m very glad to hear it! It warms my heart to know there are people like you in the world

Blessings,
Laurie

They have 3 attempts left (only 6 allowed) to make it work, but it seems very unlikely. I have offered to be a donor for them as i love them both more than anything or anyone else in the world. And I want so badly for my friends to be parents.

the husband, to whom I am closer, has said that he doesn’t want to use a donor or to adopt as he would always feel like he was raising a stranger’s child. I told him this way, he wouldn’t be raising a stranger’s child, but a child born completely out of love. I also stated that I would not try to be the “father” or anything like that.

In fact, I am offering that this can be done completely as a secret between me, my friend and his wife. No one else would ever have to know that my friend is not the biological father unless they choose to tell.

My friend’s reaction so far has been to say that he fears it wold ‘muddy the waters’ in our relationship. My response to that is that there are no waters left to muddy. He and his wife both know how much I love them (in fact they are already the beneficiaries of my life insurance and the heirs to my will, and health care power of attorney). We share a spiritual life together and are closer than I have ever been to anyone. Yes, I am in love with my friend, he and his wife know this and have known it for a while, that is not going to change whether or not they decide on me being a donor, so, yes, all those waters have already been tread.

I will never have children of my own, and they aren’t likely to have them either unless they go with a donor. So, if their final attempts (going into a clinic and injecting) don’t work, I really hope they’ll decide to use me a donor. At least then they can tell everyone they conceived naturally, the child is 100% theirs (no one need ever know but the 3 of us), and the child would be conceived entirely in a loving relationship.

what do you think?

Thanks for your comment. I agree that donating sperm to a friend who needs it is noble. I wish my friend had donated his sperm to us, but also believe that sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for…

Blessings,
Laurie

Donating sperm to a couple is a wonderful thing to do! It can also be very emotional and complicated – so make sure you take time to think about it and make sure you’re doing the right thing.

I encourage you to call the fertility clinics in your city, and ask about the process. Some fertility clinics may accept your sperm directly, and transfer to her. Others may require you to go through a sperm donation bank.

Different states and provinces have different laws and regulations, which means there isn’t a “catch all” answer.

If you donate your sperm to a sperm bank and specify that it’s only for your couple, then it’s unlikely they’ll give it to other couples. It’s possible, of course, but I don’t think it’s something you need to worry about.

Remember that not all donated sperm turn into babies. Sometimes it takes several attempts for a successful pregnancy, depending on the woman’s body, genetics, age, etc.

Lawyers don’t necessarily need to be involved if you go through a sperm bank, because there you’ll sign a contract saying that you are donating your sperm and have no legal rights to the baby.

I hope this helps, and wish you and your friends all the best!

Blessings,
Laurie

That’s interesting that you’re 19, and already thinking about getting a sperm donor! You’re definitely a planner, and you’re probably highly organized as well

If you ask a friend to donate sperm five years before you actually need it, don’t expect him to commit one way or another for sure. He could say yes or no….but you never know what’ll happen in the next five years! You could be married, or he could be married, or you could be living in different states or countries. He could get sick, or you could decide you’d rather adopt after all. There are too many possibilities to list!

So, I’m all for talking about asking for a sperm donation from a friend…but if the actual process isn’t for five years, then I encourage you not to get hung up on his answer.

You really do have lots of time to think about how you’ll get pregnant and have a baby…I think you should enjoy your life now without worrying too much about how you’ll get pregnant in five years. When the time comes, I bet you’ll find the perfect solution…or the perfect partner…

Thanks for your question, it was great to hear from you.

Blessings,
Laurie