Comments on: How Adopted Children Are Treated Differently by Parents http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=adopted-children-treated-differently-parents Want to get pregnant? Fertility tips, plus inspiration for living a childfree life. It's all here! Wed, 23 May 2012 18:46:00 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Ellen http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8466 Ellen Wed, 25 Apr 2012 04:17:51 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8466 Alisha- I just read your post and though I don't have any idea what its like to be going through what you are, I know you must be having a hard time with so many things all at once, none of which are your fault.I'm sure you have tons of friends (and you said a boyfriend) but if you wanted to get an outside perspective or anything else I'd be happy to! Sorry if this sounds weird (i promise i'm not a crazy person haha). If this is something that might help you in any way just comment back and i can give you my email. Stay Strong! Alisha- I just read your post and though I don’t have any idea what its like to be going through what you are, I know you must be having a hard time with so many things all at once, none of which are your fault.I’m sure you have tons of friends (and you said a boyfriend) but if you wanted to get an outside perspective or anything else I’d be happy to! Sorry if this sounds weird (i promise i’m not a crazy person haha). If this is something that might help you in any way just comment back and i can give you my email. Stay Strong!

]]> By: not a adoptee http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8394 not a adoptee Sat, 14 Apr 2012 23:36:23 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8394 I am not adopted..just looking over this website because I am planning on adopting now and I was curious about the downsides. Newsflash: families are not perfect institutions,I have a lot of insecurities and my life is shaped the way it is shaped because of the abuse that went on in my family as a child. People treat other human being like garbage be it their own flash or not. Depends on the person. My mother, God bless her will always have my utmost admiration for the human being that she is, caring and loving and nurturing.My father,on the other hand was an asshole, always looking for himself and not caring at all, abusive. People that adopt are human beings with bad and good traits. One will never get a perfect pair. One lady above me was asking about the study that showed that adoptees are subjected to more abuse. She thought that because of personal experiences. The same abuse happens on a regular bases in biological families, maybe not out there for everyone to see. So if you think that your life would have been different if you stayed with your biological parents: not necessarily true, people are bad. Or good, you never know what you'll get. I promise to myself to do everything in my power for my future kid .God bless me! And I know that he'll hate me at times, hey, if I was that perfect person I'd be married , with kids and maybe president of USA. But I'm shy and not always the one to fight for things. Some kids will hate that. Oh well... I am not adopted..just looking over this website because I am planning on adopting now and I was curious about the downsides. Newsflash: families are not perfect institutions,I have a lot of insecurities and my life is shaped the way it is shaped because of the abuse that went on in my family as a child.
People treat other human being like garbage be it their own flash or not. Depends on the person. My mother, God bless her will always have my utmost admiration for the human being that she is, caring and loving and nurturing.My father,on the other hand was an asshole, always looking for himself and not caring at all, abusive. People that adopt are human beings with bad and good traits. One will never get a perfect pair.
One lady above me was asking about the study that showed that adoptees are subjected to more abuse. She thought that because of personal experiences. The same abuse happens on a regular bases in biological families, maybe not out there for everyone to see.
So if you think that your life would have been different if you stayed with your biological parents: not necessarily true, people are bad. Or good, you never know what you’ll get.
I promise to myself to do everything in my power for my future kid .God bless me! And I know that he’ll hate me at times, hey, if I was that perfect person I’d be married , with kids and maybe president of USA. But I’m shy and not always the one to fight for things. Some kids will hate that. Oh well…

]]> By: alisha http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8385 alisha Fri, 13 Apr 2012 05:07:14 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8385 I am a 23 year old female, I am from the U.S. and I was adopted when I was only months old (so my adoptive parents say). I always knew that my brother and I were adopted and even recall my adoptive mother telling us about another little girl they adopted that later died of pneumonia. I began saying how if she were here there would be 3 of us and how I would want a sister and she told me that if she were here (if she wouldn't have died) I wouldn't be here. All I remember was how weird that made me feel. Growing up we were never a close family. We never showed emotion and I never remember saying "I love you" very much at all. Also, we always had at least one foster child living with us. I started to notice the difference between my relationship with my parents and the relationship my friends had with their parents. It was very weird for me. I remember being about 13 or 14 hanging out at a friends house and as 13 year old girls all we talked about was boys. Her mom often chimed in to our conversation and we'd talk about our favorite members of n'sync and blah blah. She would tell us what she was like when she was our age and even told us that she waited until she was 19 to lose her virginity and gave us the whole "wait for the right guy" speech. I decided I wanted to ask my mom about when she was young and actually talk to her and when I asked her about when she lost her virginity she said, "that is none of your business!" in a not very nice tone. A great way to get your adolescent daughter to open up. My dad was okay while I was growing up but in my opinion they were both pretty verbally abusive. They would say things like "what the f**k is wrong with you", "are you a f**cking retard?"...long story short, about a year and a half ago I began to put some thoughts together. When I was young, I remember going to the bank with my mom and her showing me a state treasury check that said paid to the order of "my name" and also her name. she said it was money she was saving for me for college. When I graduated high school and enrolled into college, my parents told me they had no money for my college. I couldn't afford this on my own. I worked ever since I was 15, but the average minimum wage job. I asked about the "money they had been saving for me" and they brushed off the question. they always told me I was born a couple months pre-mature which was why I had asthma. My adoptive brother was born with a heart murmur and the other girl they adopted had horrible asthma as well. Turns out my parents were getting money for me, my brother, and countless other foster children. I feel like I never had parents. I honestly never had a strong connection to them throughout my life but I feel so empty. I feel guilty that I don't want to see them. Unfortunately, I have to continue living with them because I couldn't find a job in over a year and now they are charging me rent. I now found a job and I am going to school full-time I know I'm 23, but they have never charged my brother anything and he is 5 years older than me, in and out of jail and now in prison, and never had a real job. I feel like it is unfair. The are all about money. They have borrowed tons of money from me and took a year to pay me back. They are ridiculous. I feel empty inside that I was adopted for a measley state check. It is very embarassing for me to admit. When I tell people I pay rent they are so confused how people could charge their daughter that works and goes to school full-time. I have also recently admitted it to myself that my adoptive brother molested me when I was little. I always made excuses until the past couple months. My boyfriend came out and told me that he was molested when he was young so I wanted to be honest with him. I am now depressed and pushing my amazing boyfriend away because I am dealing with to HUGE life changing situations. ANY advice would be great. What on earth do I have to lose? I am a 23 year old female, I am from the U.S. and I was adopted when I was only months old (so my adoptive parents say). I always knew that my brother and I were adopted and even recall my adoptive mother telling us about another little girl they adopted that later died of pneumonia. I began saying how if she were here there would be 3 of us and how I would want a sister and she told me that if she were here (if she wouldn’t have died) I wouldn’t be here. All I remember was how weird that made me feel. Growing up we were never a close family. We never showed emotion and I never remember saying “I love you” very much at all. Also, we always had at least one foster child living with us. I started to notice the difference between my relationship with my parents and the relationship my friends had with their parents. It was very weird for me. I remember being about 13 or 14 hanging out at a friends house and as 13 year old girls all we talked about was boys. Her mom often chimed in to our conversation and we’d talk about our favorite members of n’sync and blah blah. She would tell us what she was like when she was our age and even told us that she waited until she was 19 to lose her virginity and gave us the whole “wait for the right guy” speech. I decided I wanted to ask my mom about when she was young and actually talk to her and when I asked her about when she lost her virginity she said, “that is none of your business!” in a not very nice tone. A great way to get your adolescent daughter to open up. My dad was okay while I was growing up but in my opinion they were both pretty verbally abusive. They would say things like “what the f**k is wrong with you”, “are you a f**cking retard?”…long story short, about a year and a half ago I began to put some thoughts together. When I was young, I remember going to the bank with my mom and her showing me a state treasury check that said paid to the order of “my name” and also her name. she said it was money she was saving for me for college. When I graduated high school and enrolled into college, my parents told me they had no money for my college. I couldn’t afford this on my own. I worked ever since I was 15, but the average minimum wage job. I asked about the “money they had been saving for me” and they brushed off the question. they always told me I was born a couple months pre-mature which was why I had asthma. My adoptive brother was born with a heart murmur and the other girl they adopted had horrible asthma as well. Turns out my parents were getting money for me, my brother, and countless other foster children. I feel like I never had parents. I honestly never had a strong connection to them throughout my life but I feel so empty. I feel guilty that I don’t want to see them. Unfortunately, I have to continue living with them because I couldn’t find a job in over a year and now they are charging me rent. I now found a job and I am going to school full-time I know I’m 23, but they have never charged my brother anything and he is 5 years older than me, in and out of jail and now in prison, and never had a real job. I feel like it is unfair. The are all about money. They have borrowed tons of money from me and took a year to pay me back. They are ridiculous. I feel empty inside that I was adopted for a measley state check. It is very embarassing for me to admit. When I tell people I pay rent they are so confused how people could charge their daughter that works and goes to school full-time. I have also recently admitted it to myself that my adoptive brother molested me when I was little. I always made excuses until the past couple months. My boyfriend came out and told me that he was molested when he was young so I wanted to be honest with him. I am now depressed and pushing my amazing boyfriend away because I am dealing with to HUGE life changing situations. ANY advice would be great. What on earth do I have to lose?

]]> By: M. shezbie http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8339 M. shezbie Thu, 05 Apr 2012 17:32:40 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8339 I have a god mother who adopted a child wen she was new born, she thought she could have kids but a year later she had a Lil boy now the adopted child is 6 and her blood child it's 5 I've been living with them for 2 years now and she treats them very differently, don't get me wrong she buy for the both but she treat the differently in much more important ways like she show love to the Lil boy she plays with him kisses him hugs him etc.. She never does that with the Lil girl and I know she must feel left out...she lets the Lil boy do whatever and as soon as she does something or makes a mistake she flip out on her I really feel sorry for her because she treats her like she's a step child, and that's wrong! I even tried to tell her she have favoritism between the two but she doesn't see everyone else does though! Sometimes I think she really feels as though that Lil girl disgust her or something, she say she love both of her kids the same if she do I just wish she show it more she treat the Lil boy the way she should be treating her, I mean she is her princess and he is a boy! I have a god mother who adopted a child wen she was new born, she thought she could have kids but a year later she had a Lil boy now the adopted child is 6 and her blood child it’s 5 I’ve been living with them for 2 years now and she treats them very differently, don’t get me wrong she buy for the both but she treat the differently in much more important ways like she show love to the Lil boy she plays with him kisses him hugs him etc.. She never does that with the Lil girl and I know she must feel left out…she lets the Lil boy do whatever and as soon as she does something or makes a mistake she flip out on her I really feel sorry for her because she treats her like she’s a step child, and that’s wrong! I even tried to tell her she have favoritism between the two but she doesn’t see everyone else does though! Sometimes I think she really feels as though that Lil girl disgust her or something, she say she love both of her kids the same if she do I just wish she show it more she treat the Lil boy the way she should be treating her, I mean she is her princess and he is a boy!

]]> By: Jane http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8206 Jane Tue, 06 Mar 2012 15:54:55 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8206 Catherine - I understand what you are saying, and my heart goes out to you. I did the same thing - adopted 3 teens from eastern Europe. The boy turned out to be dangerous and insane. He has returned to his home country, as he wasn't happy in the US. If he were still here, he would be in jail. The other two kids are doing better, but they absolutely do not understand the idea of parents. They chafe at rules and restrictions, and I have very few interactions with them that feel genuine. Most interactions are information downloads, manipulations, or start with "I vant [some material item]." Adults for them are entities to be monitored, manipulated, shaken-down, gotten around, and lied to. It's definitely more like social work than parenting. I struggle with the issues that Jamie brought up. I am the adult - I recognize that, and I realize that I have resources that the kids aren't old enough or mentally well enough to have. But does that make this a rewarding experience for me? No. I just keep digging deeper and deeper and deeper for strength, energy, and kindness. One thing I've noticed about my situation (international adoption) is that there is absolutely *no* support for parents. We are expected to deal with kids who are extremely mentally unwell - and in my case one dangerous criminal - with very little support. I'm stretched super-thin, working 3 jobs to pay for the adoption expenses and the extra expenses in having kids, and I don't have any time to recharge my batteries. It's like our health system, which does make an effort to provide health care to children, but not to the parents they rely on. I hope you can find some support, Catherine. I really do understand where you are coming from! Catherine – I understand what you are saying, and my heart goes out to you. I did the same thing – adopted 3 teens from eastern Europe. The boy turned out to be dangerous and insane. He has returned to his home country, as he wasn’t happy in the US. If he were still here, he would be in jail. The other two kids are doing better, but they absolutely do not understand the idea of parents. They chafe at rules and restrictions, and I have very few interactions with them that feel genuine. Most interactions are information downloads, manipulations, or start with “I vant [some material item].” Adults for them are entities to be monitored, manipulated, shaken-down, gotten around, and lied to. It’s definitely more like social work than parenting.

I struggle with the issues that Jamie brought up. I am the adult – I recognize that, and I realize that I have resources that the kids aren’t old enough or mentally well enough to have. But does that make this a rewarding experience for me? No. I just keep digging deeper and deeper and deeper for strength, energy, and kindness.

One thing I’ve noticed about my situation (international adoption) is that there is absolutely *no* support for parents. We are expected to deal with kids who are extremely mentally unwell – and in my case one dangerous criminal – with very little support. I’m stretched super-thin, working 3 jobs to pay for the adoption expenses and the extra expenses in having kids, and I don’t have any time to recharge my batteries. It’s like our health system, which does make an effort to provide health care to children, but not to the parents they rely on.

I hope you can find some support, Catherine. I really do understand where you are coming from!

]]> By: Jonie http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8195 Jonie Sun, 04 Mar 2012 08:10:56 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8195 My brother and sister were adopted when they were newborns (they only have a few years age difference) My parents adopted them in the late 60's and early 70's because they were informed they could not have childern. 9 years later, i was born in '80. they have always been my brother and sister, i consider them blood. i even gave my sister a ring that was engraved "eternal flesh and blood" - i worshipped them both. after i was born; things went south with the fam (long story) - eventally, when i 19, my brother let it rip and informed me in very brutal words that i should have never been born, i wasnt suppose to exist and when i was born, i ruined everything. we no longer have contact. now, yesterday my 40 yr old sister informed me that mom doesnt care about her or her kids because they are not blood. nothing is further than the truth. my mom worshiped my brother and sister. so now, i do not believe my sister will be in contact any longer. sad to know that they wish i was never born. My brother and sister were adopted when they were newborns (they only have a few years age difference) My parents adopted them in the late 60′s and early 70′s because they were informed they could not have childern. 9 years later, i was born in ’80. they have always been my brother and sister, i consider them blood. i even gave my sister a ring that was engraved “eternal flesh and blood” – i worshipped them both. after i was born; things went south with the fam (long story) – eventally, when i 19, my brother let it rip and informed me in very brutal words that i should have never been born, i wasnt suppose to exist and when i was born, i ruined everything. we no longer have contact.
now, yesterday my 40 yr old sister informed me that mom doesnt care about her or her kids because they are not blood. nothing is further than the truth. my mom worshiped my brother and sister. so now, i do not believe my sister will be in contact any longer.

sad to know that they wish i was never born.

]]> By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8146 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Mon, 13 Feb 2012 23:02:44 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8146 I don't think there is anything wrong with Cathering sharing how she feels! I wish she could "vent" without being judged or criticized. She's going through a really hard time, and the last thing she needs is to feel worse about herself and her life. Catherine, I'm not an adoptive parent and I don't know how you feel or what you're going through. But, I know you're not alone -- I'm sure many, many adoptive parents experience feelings of regret, frustration, pain, and hopelessness! You're one of the brave ones, to come forward and share your honest feelings. I commend you for that. I do agree with Jamie, that perhaps you need to talk to a counselor -- perhaps someone who has experience with adoption and teenagers! Preteens and teens can be very difficult to deal with, especially ones who are adjusting to a whole new way of life in a brand new country. Another option is a parenting group. Find parents who are dealing with preteens, and get support and advice from them. You're NOT a bad person for feeling this way....and chances are you can turn this around so that it becomes a difficult stage you and your family went through. It'll just take hard work, energy, time, and discipline...and acceptance of the fact that teenagers can be some of the most difficult kids to parent! I'm sorry I can't be more helpful. I just want to thank you for sharing your experience here, and encourage you to seek support in person. Sincerely, Laurie I don’t think there is anything wrong with Cathering sharing how she feels! I wish she could “vent” without being judged or criticized. She’s going through a really hard time, and the last thing she needs is to feel worse about herself and her life.

Catherine, I’m not an adoptive parent and I don’t know how you feel or what you’re going through. But, I know you’re not alone — I’m sure many, many adoptive parents experience feelings of regret, frustration, pain, and hopelessness! You’re one of the brave ones, to come forward and share your honest feelings. I commend you for that.

I do agree with Jamie, that perhaps you need to talk to a counselor — perhaps someone who has experience with adoption and teenagers! Preteens and teens can be very difficult to deal with, especially ones who are adjusting to a whole new way of life in a brand new country.

Another option is a parenting group. Find parents who are dealing with preteens, and get support and advice from them.

You’re NOT a bad person for feeling this way….and chances are you can turn this around so that it becomes a difficult stage you and your family went through. It’ll just take hard work, energy, time, and discipline…and acceptance of the fact that teenagers can be some of the most difficult kids to parent!

I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. I just want to thank you for sharing your experience here, and encourage you to seek support in person.

Sincerely,
Laurie

]]> By: Jamie http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8144 Jamie Mon, 13 Feb 2012 18:49:24 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8144 Catherine, you are the adult/parent and she is the child. Blaming her for something she had absolutely no control over her whole entire life is so unfair to her. Taking a 13 years old child out of her native country and a foster home of familiarity...it must not have dawned on you that this young girl would most likely flounder and have big issues. I find that many, many adopted Mothers and Fathers adopt for themselves and not for the present child at hand and when issues come up the parents pull away and the child senses it and acts out because they are "CHILDREN" with no sense of security or identity. You took her as your daughter and she is your responsibility. She knows you hate her that is why she acts the way she does! You need to go to therapy for just you with a therapist that will not be a yes person to you with someone who understands adoption dynamics so you can parent her and be a better person for you and her...and stop making this about YOU! She is just a child and a teen no less...Find a way to give her the security and love that she needs and understand that she is in the teen years which is hard to begin with. You cannot treat her like your biological child nor compare her at all because her life has been totally different. If you talk to her about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING and open up about you and who you are she may start to open up to you. SHE KNOWS YOU HATE HER and you wonder why she acts out. She is the wounded soul here not you. You must rise to the occasion because you are the adult here and her Mother. Catherine, you are the adult/parent and she is the child. Blaming her for something she had absolutely no control over her whole entire life is so unfair to her. Taking a 13 years old child out of her native country and a foster home of familiarity…it must not have dawned on you that this young girl would most likely flounder and have big issues. I find that many, many adopted Mothers and Fathers adopt for themselves and not for the present child at hand and when issues come up the parents pull away and the child senses it and acts out because they are “CHILDREN” with no sense of security or identity. You took her as your daughter and she is your responsibility. She knows you hate her that is why she acts the way she does! You need to go to therapy for just you with a therapist that will not be a yes person to you with someone who understands adoption dynamics so you can parent her and be a better person for you and her…and stop making this about YOU! She is just a child and a teen no less…Find a way to give her the security and love that she needs and understand that she is in the teen years which is hard to begin with. You cannot treat her like your biological child nor compare her at all because her life has been totally different. If you talk to her about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING and open up about you and who you are she may start to open up to you. SHE KNOWS YOU HATE HER and you wonder why she acts out. She is the wounded soul here not you. You must rise to the occasion because you are the adult here and her Mother.

]]> By: Catherine http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8143 Catherine Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:28:02 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8143 My husband & I adopted a 13 year old girl from Ukraine almost 3 years ago. During our adoption journey, I could not tell you how excited I was to become a mother, as we could not have our own children. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't love her the same as I would my own biological child, because that idea seemed ridiculous. That's like saying I wouldn't love my in-laws because they were not my blood family (as it turns out, they're much more like my parents than my own). Now comes the "however...." During our 3 week stay in her country, visiting her every day at the orphanage, getting to know the other children there, we would have just died if she'd have said she didn't want to be our child. Now, I really wish that she would have done just that. I don't know what happened, but the love that I felt (if it was even love at all, or some other emotion disguised as love) is not the same. Let me explain... Once she arrived here in the states, she was very sad, missing her friends and life back there (she had no idea about what "family" meant other than her friends....they were her family). This caused her to pull away from us, and when we decided that maybe she should return there for a visit during summer break, she thought we were giving her up, even though we were trying to be kind to let her return to see her friends. This made her pull away from us even more. And then started the ups & downs of her emotional baggage that she brought with her. Then, after about 6 months with us, we were introduced to her RAGE!!!! When she didn't get what she wanted (her freedom to roam the streets, unsupervised & with other (older) teenagers, like she did in her own country), she would go from being Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in a nano-second. We decided to try therapy. She thought we were trying to have her committed (apparently, her bio mother did this same thing to her, and left her in an asylum for over a year). Therapy has been a no-go. We're now 2-1/2 years into her being with us. This sweet girl that I met in Ukraine, who I might add, shows this side of herself to everyone else, is nothing more than an emotional, energy, life-force sucking vampire that I feel stuck with. I am so exhausted from the roller-coaster ride with her that I just don't care about her anymore. I just want her out of my house. And, I feel guilty as hell about feeling this way. Honestly, I feel like we've done a great disservice to her by adopting her. She is not really happy here. I know that she feels like a lot of the other adopted children's comments here...like we're the devil, narcissistic, evil parents who abuse her emotionally. But, in truth, she is doing this to herself. Her actions toward us, her cold, unemotional, non-empathetic, uncompassionate, selfish, the world revolves around me, you OWE me attitude has driven me away. Now, I can barely stand the sight of her, the sound of her voice, and I cannot wait until Monday morning rolls around so she will be at school most of the day. How sad that I hate weekends because I feel "stuck" with her, and so physically & emotionally exhausted from her. I've tried everything I know to form a bond with her. I just cannot make my heart feel something that is not there. And I am sad for her because of this. If there are any other adoptive parents out there who can offer some advice, I would love to hear from you! Please!!! My husband & I adopted a 13 year old girl from Ukraine almost 3 years ago. During our adoption journey, I could not tell you how excited I was to become a mother, as we could not have our own children. It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t love her the same as I would my own biological child, because that idea seemed ridiculous. That’s like saying I wouldn’t love my in-laws because they were not my blood family (as it turns out, they’re much more like my parents than my own). Now comes the “however….”

During our 3 week stay in her country, visiting her every day at the orphanage, getting to know the other children there, we would have just died if she’d have said she didn’t want to be our child. Now, I really wish that she would have done just that. I don’t know what happened, but the love that I felt (if it was even love at all, or some other emotion disguised as love) is not the same. Let me explain…

Once she arrived here in the states, she was very sad, missing her friends and life back there (she had no idea about what “family” meant other than her friends….they were her family). This caused her to pull away from us, and when we decided that maybe she should return there for a visit during summer break, she thought we were giving her up, even though we were trying to be kind to let her return to see her friends. This made her pull away from us even more. And then started the ups & downs of her emotional baggage that she brought with her. Then, after about 6 months with us, we were introduced to her RAGE!!!! When she didn’t get what she wanted (her freedom to roam the streets, unsupervised & with other (older) teenagers, like she did in her own country), she would go from being Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in a nano-second. We decided to try therapy. She thought we were trying to have her committed (apparently, her bio mother did this same thing to her, and left her in an asylum for over a year). Therapy has been a no-go.

We’re now 2-1/2 years into her being with us. This sweet girl that I met in Ukraine, who I might add, shows this side of herself to everyone else, is nothing more than an emotional, energy, life-force sucking vampire that I feel stuck with. I am so exhausted from the roller-coaster ride with her that I just don’t care about her anymore. I just want her out of my house. And, I feel guilty as hell about feeling this way.

Honestly, I feel like we’ve done a great disservice to her by adopting her. She is not really happy here. I know that she feels like a lot of the other adopted children’s comments here…like we’re the devil, narcissistic, evil parents who abuse her emotionally. But, in truth, she is doing this to herself. Her actions toward us, her cold, unemotional, non-empathetic, uncompassionate, selfish, the world revolves around me, you OWE me attitude has driven me away. Now, I can barely stand the sight of her, the sound of her voice, and I cannot wait until Monday morning rolls around so she will be at school most of the day. How sad that I hate weekends because I feel “stuck” with her, and so physically & emotionally exhausted from her.

I’ve tried everything I know to form a bond with her. I just cannot make my heart feel something that is not there. And I am sad for her because of this. If there are any other adoptive parents out there who can offer some advice, I would love to hear from you! Please!!!

]]> By: Layla http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/adopted-children-treated-differently-parents/comment-page-1/#comment-8105 Layla Tue, 31 Jan 2012 01:14:01 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blogbaby/?p=20#comment-8105 It makes me sick that people adopt children only to treat them like dirt. Especially breeders who decide to adopt and have there own children and favor the bio kids. I personally was raised by my step dad who later adopted me and he did treat me wonderfully, though there was sone favoritism toward my brother ( his bio child) but I honestly just believe that's because my bro was his only son and my dad already had daughters. I personally never want 'bio kids', I feel no inclination to breed/give birth and I know that love has nothing to do with biology, how many parents abuse their bio kids everyday? If I ever want my own children, I will adopt one and yes, study will be my own, despite not having my DNA. I will love my child, tell them everyday that they were the best gift I ever could have received, and I will never give birth to a child ( getting sterilized ASAP) as I will not want my adopted child to ever even feel the slightest niggle that they are loved less because they do not carry my DNA. I am so sorry to all the adopted who are having a crappy time of it, make sure you do brilliantly in your adult life and rub it in there faces xxxxx It makes me sick that people adopt children only to treat them like dirt. Especially breeders who decide to adopt and have there own children and favor the bio kids. I personally was raised by my step dad who later adopted me and he did treat me wonderfully, though there was sone favoritism toward my brother ( his bio child) but I honestly just believe that’s because my bro was his only son and my dad already had daughters.
I personally never want ‘bio kids’, I feel no inclination to breed/give birth and I know that love has nothing to do with biology, how many parents abuse their bio kids everyday?
If I ever want my own children, I will adopt one and yes, study will be my own, despite not having my DNA. I will love my child, tell them everyday that they were the best gift I ever could have received, and I will never give birth to a child ( getting sterilized ASAP) as I will not want my adopted child to ever even feel the slightest niggle that they are loved less because they do not carry my DNA. I am so sorry to all the adopted who are having a crappy time of it, make sure you do brilliantly in your adult life and rub it in there faces xxxxx

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