What do you do when you find your husband’s secrets – the ugly truth – on his laptop computer, phone, or Facebook page? Here’s one reader’s dilemma…
“My husband asked for advice here [on Quips and Tips] and I found it backlogged on the computer,” says K. on How to Let Go of Someone You Love. “I will now go ahead with divorce papers if he doesn’t come clean about the affair. I have given him time and time again to come clean but he is constantly being deceitful and untrustworthy! What should I do?”
My first tip is always to read a book! There are so many valuable tips and insights in books – they can be almost as good as getting professional counseling. In K’s case, I suggest When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal. It’s a helpful resource for any woman who finds secrets on her partner’s computer, Facebook page, or iphone.
And here are a few more thoughts for wives who discover their husbands’ secrets online…
When You Find the Ugly Truth on Your Husband’s Computer
Every couple is different, and every partner needs to be approached in a way that suits his or her personality. These aren’t necessarily “one size fits all” tips, but they may help you figure out what to do if you’re in the same boat.
If you haven’t found damning evidence on your husband’s phone or computer but you suspect something is rotten in your relationship, read When You Have a Bad Gut Feeling About Your Marriage.
Show him the website – confront him with the truth
Sometimes we ignore the truth because it’s too painful. It can be easier and less heartbreaking to pretend that our lives haven’t changed dramatically, so we bury our heads in the sand. Instead of going directly to the source (our husbands), we turn to our friends, the internet, food, alcohol, or shopping.
After you find the ugly truth, you must expose it. In K’s case, I think she should sit down with her husband and show him what she found. She doesn’t need to accuse him, yell at him, or rub his nose in it…she needs only open up the screen and calmly ask him what’s going on. (Calmly? Yeah, right…how about as calmly as possible?).
Ask what his plans and goals are for his (their) future
Does K’s husband want to stay married? I think so, based on his previous comments on my article about letting go of someone you love (his ugly truth is that he fell in love with the woman he had an affair with). But it doesn’t matter that I think he wants to save his marriage! What are his plans and goals for his relationships – both his marriage and his affair? Even more importantly — what are your plans and goals?
When you’re discussing painful, emotional, heart wrenching topics (those awfully ugly truths) with your husband, it’s important not to be accusatory, defensive, or weepy. Try to stay calm and rational when you ask your husband what his goal is for your future. Remember that being exposed to the ugly truth – whether you found secrets on your husband’s computer or lipstick on his collar – can be the first step to a healthy, happy future. It’s devastating in the short run, but it can be liberating in the long run.
Can your marriage withstand the ugly truth? Can you save your marriage after discovering an affair on your husband’s laptop computer or phone? I don’t know. You may find Should I Leave My Cheating Husband? The Best Reason to Stay Married helpful.
Figure out your goals for your relationship
Of course a strong, happy, healthy marriage is the ultimate goal…but does K want to stay in a relationship with a man who is in love with someone else? Some wives do, for a variety of reasons. Some relationships become stronger and couples become happier after a marital breakdown has occurred.
It’s SO important to be emotionally strong and healthy when you’re trying to figure out what you want out of your life. Weak women stay in bad relationships because they’re scared, insecure, and struggling with low self-esteem. Some women stay in bad marriages and refuse to face the ugly truth because of their children, family members, or financial situation.
If you’ve found an ugly truth on your husband’s computer, I encourage you to get as emotionally healthy as possible. Connect to what you really want and feel. Maybe you’re tired of being married to a guy who keeps lying to you about his affairs, who is deceitful and untrustworthy.
You can’t change your life or your marriage until you take a step or two in the right direction.
If you think your partner is hiding his ugly truth online, read Is Your Husband Cheating on Facebook With His Female Friends? I share signs and tips about online betrayals.
What about you – what do you want out of your relationship? This is where you have to face the cold, hard, ugly facts…and you have to be strong.