When He Says “I’m Not in Love With You Anymore”
Before the tips, a quip:
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you. Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means. I hate to resort to cliches, but it really is true that when you set something you love free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
Sometimes you just have to let go.
If you want to work on your relationship, read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship. I also list a few more resources at the end of the article.
Here are a few tips tips on what to do when he doesn’t love you anymore…
What to Do When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Focus on yourself – not on him
For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. To let go of someone you love, write down your goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.
Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe
One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.
If he had too much space and found time to cheat on you, you may find How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals helpful.
Look at your love and relationship objectively
You’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
Incorporate two new activities into your life
Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.
If your partner doesn’t love you because he’s in love with someone else, read When the Man You Love is Marrying Another Woman.
Help for Love and Relationships
Getting Over a Bad Breakup
- When the Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice – How to Get Your Ex Back
- The Magic of Making Up – Even When It Seems Hopeless
Has your boyfriend or husband said he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share below.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Divorce Care Tips
Hi,
I have been married for nearly 2years and have a gorgeous baby girl.
We have fought in the passed but this time my husband hit breaking point and has packed his stuff and living with his parents.
He told me he wanted to work things out but not yet!
Every day he changes his mind!
This has been goin on for 6 days still fresh.I need help???
I have bee
Hello, I am very torned because my boyfriend of 4 years told me he’s not in love with me anymore and its extremely painful due to the fact we have a baby together. And I’m just in a tough situation because i am currently unemployed ( we decided it was better for me to be a stay at home mom) and I have nowhere else to live so I have no choice but to stay here. I am going to start school next month so he is supportive on helping me until I find a job and able to get back on my feet. I just try to be hopeful that he will open his eyes and realize he is making a mistake of letting me go before its too late. I just feel like he wants to be single so he will be able to go out to clubs and just have the same life as his friends, and just meet new women. I can give him his space however I won’t tolerate him talking to other women. If anyone has gone through the same situation I am or has any words of advice, i would truly appreciate it.
Hi,
I’ve been with the same girl for 4.5 years. Prior to that I was asking her out for 3 years before she finally said yes. Once we started going out, it was like God meant for us to be, and I still believe that. I do everything I can for her. I always put her before me.
She is divorced with 2 kids. So, she sometimes needs help getting things done, and I’ve always been there for her. I do everything for her which she will let me do. I own a couple of buildings, and she lives in one of the units rent free, my way of helping her financially.
About 1 year after were got together we had a bad fight. I did some things which were very bad. I’m not going into details. We seemed to get past it and I’ve never repeated anything like that again.
However, she tells me now that it was that incident that broke her heart. That although she forgave me, she cannot forget. That she has tried but is not in love with me like she used to be, just loves me as a friend.
Yet we still go out, still see each other, at times she invites me to spend the night. She still says she loves me. And then there are other days when she is the evil witch and says things that hurt. There are days when she will kiss me, and then other days when she will not even allow me to kiss her.
Her actions and words do not match. And although some people have said move on, I love this girl dearly. Will just giving her space make her come back?
As I type this now, we are not really on speaking terms. But, if she would call and need help, I would find it impossible not to help. Some people say I need to let her know that I may not always be there, but that hurts me to do that.
Christmas is fast approaching. I have 30+ gifts for her and her kids. Some of my friends say that I should put the gifts under her tree, but not spend Christmas with them. Telling them it is a family time, and unless I am part of the family, I’ll not be there, even if she asks me to be there.
I’m looking for direction here. What should I do to get her to come back? Hard to ignore her when I see her all the time at the gym and she lives in my building.
Experts, advice please?
HI,
I’m from Spain and mu husband fro the US. He was playing pro ball in Spain for 9 years. During the summer we used to be apart 1 or 2 months and then I used to go to The States. Over there we have a condo in SC but him and his family are from OH and live there. We never could enjoy any privcy over those summer times because hi parents were ALWAYS AROUND. If we were in SC they were there, if we wanted to go on a city break , like for my BDAY to the Niagara falls they would come without even asking. They love me and I love them but they did not realie we were not getting any marriage space.
2 years ago, due to the crisis, he had to early retired and left to the US to fnd a new job for us to settle over there. Since we didnt expect this to happen I didnt have my green card ready therefore I was just able to stay 3 months over there ( at her parents ). We owe a villa in Spain, a villa we rent as a holiday villa and I do all the work ( bookings, cleaning …everything ) so he could focus on his new carrier and I was taking care of our loan here. The condo in SC would have been our solution if he would have been able to tell his parents that we couldnt afford that house just for them and friends to go on holidays or to spend the winter now that they are both retired. He wasnt able to tell them not to come wherever we wanted to go by ourselves before, and he hasnt able to tell them we couldnt afford that condo because we wanted to live together in our own house, by ourselves and his job is in OH, not in SC.
Before I camse back to Spain we argue because I told him I was tired his mom to run our economy and life somehow ( I dont think she knew how hurting it was, and maybe she was trying to help somhow but without weven mention the possibility of renting or selling the condo ….I wonder why? ).
Now that I was halve packed to go back, and stay there till MAY, he says he is not inlove anymore. He has been writting email, not even calling me just telling me how bad he feels and how good I am but that he cant deny his feelings. He didnt even waited to see me in person and make sure that thats what he wants. I know ther is no other girl. He is one of the best persons I have ever known, coward, buthas a grest heart.
I told him I am going there cuz I need him to tell me in person , after 11 great years, he loved me so much, made me feel it in a way tat I had NO doubts about him but this summer he has been cold. He kept sayig he felt weird, down, in a way he never felt before but that it didnt have anything to do with me. I understood since he changed his live from an easy live ( playing pro basketball ), succes, no money problems …. ) to the other side ( living with mom and dad, no wife there, money problems, pressure …. ) . Everything changed since I told him we had no choice but to sell the condo. He made me look for houses online last month nad he started looking because he told me literally he hates to live with me at his parents, no matter how along I do get withthem two.
But now he comes with that I dont feel it anymore ….
Im going there next Friday. Its because of our problems? can he relize he is still inlove eventhough he didnt think he was anymore ????? HELP!! I love him with all my heart and we were SUCH A GREAT TEAM!
My boyfriend just broke up with me because he doesn’t love me anymore. We were in a long distance relationship and I guess it finally got to him. He wants to stay friends and says he will call me all the time because I am his best friend and he tells me things that he tells no one else. The same goes for me and I feel like no one understands us more than one another. He also agrees with this. He still calls everyday to talk and when I don’t call him back, he’ll act offended.
I feel like since we haven’t been able to see each other and he has a lot of stressful things going on. He’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants. I am hurt and lonely and struggle everyday to keep it together in front of others including him. I know that if we weren’t long distance this never would have happened.
Is it wise for me to stay friends with him? I feel like there will always be hope there for us to be together again because I’ll never stop loving him. I’m confused as to why he says doesn’t love me anymore yet nothing else has changed between us.
Hi. I have been with my guy for 12 years (since we were 19) and we are still not married. We have 2 boys together 11 & 4 years old. We’ve hit this rough patch in our life a few times. He says he doesn’t love me the way he used to. But in his heart he still loves me. What does that mean? How can someone say they don’t love you anymore but say they know in their heart they still do???
I had a guy tell me he didnt love when im carrying hes second baby and it was hard but now im not interestd he wil find someone and i get two kids
Dear Lin,
I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such pain and so lost because he doesn’t love you anymore….and I do hope you find the strength and courage it takes to survive this heartache!
First, you have to remember that you WILL SURVIVE this broken relationship. Yes, you’re lonely and sad now, and it’s a difficult thing to heal from…but these feelings of pain won’t last forever.
Second, I encourage you to find happiness and fulfillment outside of your relationship. If he’s the sole source of your happiness, then if he leaves, you’re devastated. But if he’s just ONE part of your happiness, just one part of your life, then his leaving is sad…but not devastating.
Third, I suggest you read my articles on letting go of someone you love. And then please put those tips into practice! And, read the comments that other readers have left — you’ll see that you’re not alone, and that other people have survived their broken hearts.
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
And finally, I encourage you to call a women’s help line or support organization for help. Don’t try to survive and heal by yourself or by looking online. Get in-person help, please. You’re a good person, and you need to surround yourself with people who care and who know you so they can help you.
I wish you all the best, and want you to realize that you WILL be happy, healthy, and strong again…it just takes time to heal a broken heart.
Blessings,
Laurie
i am so sad, feeling very lonely, he is so distant to me even though we sleep next to each oterh at night but he is not interested in me at all, i am so broken hearted. i really am trying to hard to stay cool and in control even though my heart is broken terribily i feel so alone, so lonely becos i am too much dependent on him,now that he left me alone, i felt so lost, i feel dying like i lost him, i wanted so much for him to like me , love me, want me, but he is so far and distant and not wanting me. i am so sad.i can’t sleep all night wandering why he is not interested in me.
i have been married for 17yrs now, and know my husband about more than 20yrs, known him 5yrs before marriage,married 17yrs now. in the begining he love me so much i guess, now we have 1 kid age 11yrs old. we have been so much together, i am young when i married him,i knew him whn i am 17yrs and he’s 20yrs older than me, and i have alot of comfort, happiness, security with him, he’s been there for me all the time till our marriage, i am childish type very jeolus,but love him too much. even my dad disapprove our marriage becos his age, but i still married him and my dad learn slowly to accept him,but too bad,he hates my dad till today, there’s so much friction between my dad and hubby.after been married together for a long time,he always verbally abuse me,, he always scold, curses, bring me down , to him i am always doing wrong things, not clever enough, got slow brain, stupid, and all sort of abusive words, and i hv been so patient, i don’t know why he never appreciate what i do.. he always say i make him angry, make him sick. and now he’s been sickly now he blames me he say he is sick becos of me, he is always angry with me for small stuff like when i am not good in kitchen, like forgot to shut the window,forgot to carry the dustbine out, forget things, he got so angry. today he got so angry, he shut me out, he told me to leave him alone and not to talk to him and he ignore me, he love to ignore me, then i feel so sad, all alone and feel like the world tumble over me.i feel so lonely, he say he hate me and get sick of me. it seem everythng i do is wrong, and he is ignoring me, i feel so alone, and hurt. he alwys do this, i love him so much. i feel he don’t love me anhymore. he like to shut himself out nowadays and i am always begging him to come out of his shell and be happy,but he’s so sulky, i am so stress becos he is hating my dad and he’s so angry with me abt so many things. how will i ever survive ? pls ive me strenght, ia m so lost.
hello wounded heart, we have the same situation exactly the same on ly that i have a child, if youire there can you send me a message and we could talk and try to do our best how to forget them and show them we dont need them .
Metoo,
I’m sorry for your situation — it sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and you feel like you have no options or choices.
Can you call a local distress line or women’s helpline? Many women need to leave husbands, women who have nothing and feel dis-empowered. I think some of these women are able to rebuild their lives by seeking and accepting help from outside sources: shelters, family, friends, the government. I don’t know what resources are available in your area, but it’s worth calling to find out.
Also, can you lean on your parents or friends for help? If you decide to try and regain your power (which you CAN do), you may need to rely on others for short-term support. Remember, in a few months or a year you’ll be in a position to help others…and this is what friends and family are for.
Another thing to consider is rearranging your life, such as by working outside the home instead of home schooling. This might give you more power, as you’ll have your own income and life outside the home. I understand you made the choice to home school for important reasons, but getting out of this situation may mean making some different choices.
I wish I had better answers for you; it’s a long process to rebuild your self-identity — but you’ll be glad you did! Also — if there’s a support group of some sort in your area, it might be good to join it…the more you surround yourself with people who have survived a similar situation, the healthier and stronger you’ll be!
With best wishes,
Laurie
I think wounded heart that you should leave him. Believe me ! you should stay at that country too and work on your self to try to imrove your tatus there, you have to prove for him that you donot needhim at all but you came to Europe just to live with him which he doesnot appreciate this. you donot have to say any word but tell him to go as far as he can because oneday he will return back and asks for your forgiving where in this case you will refuse him because hopefully you will find someone who loves you. believe me it is better to find somone who loves you than find someone who you do,love.
What do you do if you’re not married? But, together for almost eight years and have three children together? And, you are a stay-at-home-mom who home schools so you don’t work outside the home? You have no money of ‘your own’ in a situation like this, where he will certainly not willingly turn over anything to you?
I can’t believe I’m here. I’ve always been independent, and left an abusive marriage only to find myself in a worse situation because though he doesn’t hit me, I seem to have given up all my power somewhere along the line?
What the hell do I do? God help me.
Fniklaw, I’m sorry I didn’t respond earlier. Somehow your comment slipped through the cracks, and I missed it!
In your head, you want to move forward…but your heart is still with the man you loved. You CAN build a happy life. I don’t know if you’re reading this, but let me know if you are and I’ll write a few suggestions for building a happy life and thinking happy even when you’re still so sad because of your relationship breakup.
Missy, I’m so sorry that your heart is broken — but I can hear so much hope and healing and possibility in your words! You’re doing the right thing, my friend.
Sometimes love isn’t enough to make relationships work out. Sometimes we have to accept that it’s time to let go and move on….especially if you know in your heart of hearts that he doesn’t love you the way you DESERVE to be loved.
I’m glad you found your way here, Missy, and I hope to hear from you again.
Best wishes,
Laurie
I googled for help on this one – and I have to say that what you wrote is all so true, Laurie. I am in a long distance relationship, and things have been fine until this weekend. We chatted on the phone and I could sense a sort of unhappiness in his voice. He broke up with me once, and asked for me back, and we said we will try. Now, I feel he doesn’t want to be the one to pull out as he will be eating his words. I invested so much time and gave him as much love as my heart possibly could give – that is why I wanted to hear his voice last night, for hours we talked, because today – I’m going to start to love myself, give ME the time, give ME the attention. Today, I start my life without him. Hearing his voice again would only change my mind so I am cutting it clean. It hurts so bad SO BAD, but I know I m doing him a favour and me too. Thank you for your words here, Laurie. God Bless.
It’s so hard to let go. I loved him more than anything, even myself. He was so mean to me at the end. He said horrible things. I could not believe that it was the same person. I was so hurt. I still feel pain and its been over six months. I want him back even though he hurt me so much. I am having trouble moving forward. I lost so many friends because I was so sad and missed him so much. I do not want this sad relationship to stop me from having strong and healthy relationships with others. I want to think happy. I want a happy life.
Forgetting him really is not easy, Going back to Asia actually is my last option, for now i`m studying their language, w/c is one of my biggest obstacle to get a job,i`m trying to look for a job, though i worked here before but in an int`l company so did not require to speak the native language.I don`t want to leave yet, because they will be free now, and people & friends will think that i was the one who left him, because our separation is not public yet. i am planning also to go to US,because i also have US visa but for now i want to make it here and proved to both of them that i can be the best that i can be and can be as happy as before and successful without him. Thanks Laurie, i needed all your encouragements and prayers…
Starting over is hard…I know. Especially when you’re not in your home country. Have you considered moving back to Asia? Not that I think you should — I’m just curious!
Your first step is to get a job, I would think. You’ll feel much better about your life and ability to take care of yourself if you’re working and earning money. And, getting a job would help you meet people and make new friends.
I wish I could help….but I hope you know that I’m thinking about you, and sending positive vibes your way! If you have any questions, please do ask them here. I’ll be here for years to come
Best wishes,
Laurie
Thank you very much Laurie for all the encouragement and advices, it is still very difficult for me to accept and understand what he did, especially that i am not a native of his country, i am from Asia and he`s from Europe, i left my family and career, and lived with him in his country, i am alone here, no job, don`t know where to go and what to do, and how to start again. We never fought,just little misunderstanding sometimes, I was so confident and so secured that he really loved me, i did not have any idea that he will do this to me, bec though we don`t have kids, still we were an ideal couple, that`s why his family and all our friends were so shocked of his behaviour,from one day to another my life changed, without any clue that he will leave me for another girl.That`s why until now i can not moved on and accept the painful truth…….i hope soon i can accept the reality….
My heart goes out to you, woundedheart. I do think you should move on, especially since you know he doesn’t love you anymore and he’s not interested in working things out.
I know how hard it is to let go, and I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you some magic formula that would make your husband come back to you…but there isn’t anything you can do, I don’t think. He’s moved on.
You need to take care of yourself and move on, too! Read “How to Let Go of Someone You Love” — here’s the link:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/how-to-let-go-of-someone-you-love/
and “10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup”
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/10-tips-for-surviving-a-breakup/
I know these articles won’t heal your broken heart, but I encourage you to follow some of the tips. You may not feel like it or think it’ll help, but they are stepping stones to your future.
Your husband has ruined your marriage — don’t let him ruin your future! You can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life without him. And one day, you’ll be ready to include a new man in your life.
Let him go and move on. The only other option is to stay in your begging, pleading, powerless position — and that’s not a good place to be.
I wish you all the best.
Laurie
My marriage is in big trouble, my husband does not love me anymore the same way as before because now he is having an affair with his colleague and he loves her more than me. He already told me that our relationship is over and he wants to be with this girl.He does not want to work things out, his decision is final that he wants to leave me now, his mind and his heart is closed, eventhough he will lose his family and friends he does not care, he is so selfish. But me, i am still hoping for a miracle that he will realized that he is making a mistake, but nothing is working whatever i do or say. Should i give him up and move on? But i really love him so much, we dont have kids that is why it is so easy for him to leave me, but we have been together for 7years. I am still deeply in love with him, and so confused …dont really know what to do……
Reen…..I have noticed, they have a “way” of making us feel it’s our fault. I also have found myself in the same situation at times. I have promised myself, however,to never let this bother me again. I am someone, and there is someone out there who will love me exactly the way I am….Same goes for you too!!!! God Bless!
I gave him space and he used the space as an excuse for straying…I hate it that everytime…everything ends up being my mistake….
Such an important topic to cover, Laurie, and great tips. I’m inspired to add on to a couple of these from a metaphysical/spiritual perspective (for some it may be too ‘woo woo’ but it’s worth a try)as that’s the approach I take in my own life and with clients.
Your first tip – focusing on yourself – is so important and another aspect I’ve found helpful is to focus on loving yourself with the feeling of love. Often we associate having love or feeling love when in relationship with another, thinking that if it ends so does the love, but in reality love is a state of being and a feeling vibration we carry within us and we don’t have to shut it down just because our love partner leaves, we can still keep feeling love by touching into the essence of it within us and allowing it to fill us so we don’t feel unloved anymore.
The other tip on letting him (or her) go is huge too – especially when it’s really over. What I’ve found that helps in all kinds of relationships when they end, but particularly with romantic love, is to look at the bigger picture. I mean the really, really, big picture beyond what the mind’s intellect can analyze or the body’s emotions can feel, but into that spacious soul place where you see way beyond what the visual eye can see. When we can go into that place (either by being guided by someone, or through centering within, meditating, creative journaling etc.) we see the bigger purpose in the relationship and what the gifts and lessons have been and how it no longer serves us and that this is why it is ending (no matter who is actually ending it).
When one or both couples don’t see this bigger perspective, it often takes a problem like an affair, huge arguments etc to break the couple apart (or to help them to readjust their relationship), but when seen from this higher spiritual perspective the person can see that it is either time to readjust the relationship or it is time to move on, that they don’t resonate any more, that there is something else for them to move on to that is a better fit. This helps to heal the heart tremendously.