May 312009

It hurts to argue with your boyfriend or husband, but it’s devastating when he says he’s not in love with you anymore. Here’s what to do when he says he loves you, but he’s not in love with you.

I'm Not in Love With You AnymoreIf you want to work on your relationship, read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship. You might be able to convince him to keep working on your relationship.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you. Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means. I hate to resort to cliches, but it really is true that when you set something you love free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. Sometimes you just have to let go, especially when he says he fell out of love with you.

What to Do When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

Focus on yourself – not on him

For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. To let go of someone you love, write down your goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.

Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe

One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe. If he had too much space and found time to cheat on you, you may find How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals helpful.

Look at your love and relationship objectively

You’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.

doesnt love me anymore

“When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore” image by Laurie

Incorporate two new activities into your life

Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.

If your partner doesn’t love you because he’s in love with someone else, read How to Get Over a Bad Breakup. I wrote that for a reader on my Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships blog.

Has your boyfriend or husband said he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share below. I can’t tell you how to get him to fall in love with you again, but sometimes writing helps you heal.

  76 Responses to “When He Says “I’m Not in Love With You Anymore””

  1. Dear Becky,

    You are going to heal from this breakup – and it will take time. Healing is a process, not an overnight event. Healing requires courage, nurturing yourself, connecting with people who love you, and focusing on the reasons you are relieved and happy that this relationship is over. Healing is focusing on the things that give you strength, peace, and a sense of connection with something bigger than yourself. Healing is about learning how to stop thinking thoughts that destroy and tear you down, and staying focused on the good, peaceful, true, and right things in your life.

    My prayer for you is that you find a source of strength, courage, wisdom, and peace by connecting with God. May you make the right decisions about when to go and how much time to spend on Facebook, and may you find the discipline to do things that make you feel strong and happy with your life. May you avoid the soul-destroying, peace -shattering activities that make you so unhappy. May you gain strength from the God who loves you so much, and who will protect you from anything you can’t handle. And may you connect with the right people, books, organizations, and websites to help you heal from this relationship breakdown. Amen.


  2. I basically just need someone to tell me that I am going to heal & be okay because at this moment it takes all I have to keep breathing. Its not surviving day to day, its minute to minute. We were together for 2 years. 18 months were amazing. He lived with me & my 4 kids. Then he got custody of his 2 kids and they moved in. We couldnt survive it as hard as I tried. He is always angry & frustrated. I was always walking on eggshells so I didnt say something wrong to make him mad. He threatened every week to take his kids and move out. Finally last Tuesday I had it…told him to quit threatening or just so it! He told me i was forcing his hand & making him decide and so he is leaving. He got an apt for he and his kids. My kids are so happy cuz they hated them all here…not enuf room.
    But now he is just kicking me while im down. Im sad and broken…he said he is happy and relieved & doesnt miss me a bit. I cant even explain what i feel inside because its so bad. I am so in love with him but he became so hard to get a long with :(. I asked him to be moved out by wkend. He still has a garage full. He comes here 3-4 times a day to grab one thing. Im giving him space, not texting or calling or bothering him. He will send me msgs about dumb things. Text me to tell me im pathetic or lame or ugly. Then he goes and changes his facebook profile pic to my 3 yr old daughter. My mind & heart cant handle it. If he doesnt love or miss me I can heal from that eventually maybe. I read these posts & see im not alone in this feeling. At least its been about 24 hrs since he last contacted me…makes us being over more of a reality & i think i need that

  3. we had a silence break-up. we had a big fight after he cheated a couple of times ended up impregnating one of his girls, our bby was only 2 years old by that time, he never said he loves me no more me neither, i find my bags packed the day his new bby was born i took them and moved out, time went by my heart finded a place tp forgive him for all the pain and shame he brought me. problem is, he never say a word to me, as time goes by i missed him, texted him but he never replied, it been 3 years now my heart still loves him deeply.

  4. Dear Sheila,

    As hard as it is, sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let them go. Your boyfriend needs time and space, and it breaks your heart. He says he’s not in love with you anymore, and you’re grieving the loss of your relationship. You were together for 10 years, and you had plans for the future. Now, you’re lost and alone and heartbroken — and you’re confused about why this is happening.

    It’s important to keep doing what you’re doing, which is giving him the space he needs to do his own thing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that you are able to grieve your loss and heal.

    You WILL move on eventually, and you will heal from this sad situation. God will support and carry you…and eventually you may even see that this is a good thing for you. It seems impossible to believe that this could be good, I know, but sometimes even the worst situations turn out for good. God works everything together for the good, for people who love Him.

    I hope you are feeling better. You are not alone.


  5. Dear Laurie
    My boyfriend of 10 years just told me on his birthday that he no longer loves me. He stated that he was sorry and that he just didnt feel the same anymore. He said that he just needed us to go our separate ways. I love this man and committed to him. Now i feel hopeless and cannot figure out what happened. He states he just woke up and realized that he didn’t love me anymore. Mind you, we went to parties for his nieces and nephews last week. We were intimate as always. Although it had slowed down due to prostate problems but I was understanding and I put his health first.
    I feel lost without him and having been trying to understand what happened to us. He even stated that there was a time when he loved me so much that he would have done anything for me. But not now.
    I need closure but he cannot give me that. He said there was no one else but that he needed time alone. I am giving him that time alone. It is hard for me because I care so much for this man. We share some common interest and I will have to see him periodically due to these interest.
    Tearfully, when I finally left his home, I have told him that I would always love him and want him to be happy. I pray that God will carry me though this and support my efforts to let go and let God handle this situation. It is hard extremely hard and all I can remember is the first time I ever saw his face.

  6. Dear Joy,

    As much as it hurts to be told by your boyfriend that he doesn’t love you anymore, you have to hold on to the thought that this relationship wasn’t meant to be! It’s heartbreaking and disappointing, but for some reason you and your boyfriend are not meant to be together.

    Breakups happen for a reason. They happen because two people are not meant to be together. A breakup is the chance for you to find the man you are meant to be with — after you grieve the end of this relationship, of course. Give yourself time to heal, to process this breakup, and to focus on what kind of future you want for yourself.

    Get strong and healthy. When he says he doesn’t love you anymore, it’s a sign that it’s time to find who you are and where you want to go in life!

  7. Dear A Lee,

    I’m sorry for the pain you’re in. It’s a terrible feeling when a boyfriend – or even a husband – says he’s not in love with you anymore.

    I hope you’re able to heal, and move on. It may be hard to believe you’ll fall in love again, but it will happen. You’ll meet the right man for you, and you’ll be glad this one said he’s not in love with you anymore!

  8. My boyfriend of 4years just told me dt he is no longer in love with me.he even went to d extent of telling me dt we don’t v a future together.i feel so depressed n emotionally hurt.i feel so hurt coz each time I remembered how he pressured before I had to agree dating him,I do ask myself,y did I ever agreed in d first place?.i love him and will accept him back if wants us to b together again.just that am still finding it so hard now to admit that we r no longer there.plz,I rili need consolation and support.

  9. Yea I just got told these words indirectly. We had a spat and I said you act like you aren’t in love with me anymore and he replied by saying you already know the answer to that. Being in the ldr for the last 2 1/2 years makes it all the worse I can’t be there with him which is the main reason for the break up. It hurts. Then he text me he loves me but that didn’t make it better it only made it worse to know oh Iove you but I’m not in love with you…it’s very disappointing. I feel like I lost my best friend everything….

  10. Dear Barb,

    It sounds like you and your ex have very strong feelings for each other. It’s not easy to let go of the love you had – or the love you still have! I think he does love you, and you love him….but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are meant to be together. Maybe you’re both grieving the end of your relationship, and you need to let go slowly.

    Is it possible to recreate your first date? There’s alot of water under the bridge, and sometimes it’s not possible to go back. Sometimes we can only move forward – and it’s better that way.

  11. Dear Teresa,

    You sound you’re trying very hard to keep it all together, and I admire you! It’s so difficult when we aren’t supported at home, we feel so alone and vulnerable and scared. You’re dealing with so much right now, and having relationship problems does not help. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    What other sources of positive support do you have in your life?

  12. KD, I think it’s awesome that you’re letting go and leaving your relationship in the hands of the almighty! Trust Him to take care of you — and to protect you from a man who says he isn’t in love with you anymore. You will find someone who loves you with all his heart, and you will be so glad you trusted the almighty. Stay strong.

  13. I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago. I moved in with him about 6 weeks later and at first things were great. Then he snooped through my email and found one from when I was mad at him and has thrown that in my face for 10 months. Then a couple weeks after the snooping, my adult daughter and I were out to dinner and our pizza was made wrong two times so it took awhile. When I got home, he was in bed, so I didn’t shower, just brushed my teeth. In the morning he asked me if I was seeing someone else because there were no dirty underwear in the hamper. From these two instances I became unhappy, but still loved him. But because I was unhappy, I didn’t treat him well. I wasn’t snippy all the time, just a few times a week. He eventually told me I needed to leave and I did at the beginning of April. The day after I moved, the feelings I have for him hit me like a ton of bricks and I am very much in love with him and miss him. It’s not just because I had to move. I’ve thought about everything I love about him and it’s real. Since I hurt him he said he needed space and time. I kept pushing – once a week I’d push real hard and he got tired of it and told me goodbye last Wednesday, by text and said he doesn’t love me.. I was out of town for the holiday weekend and Monday morning I got a text from him that said “I still miss you” with video links to Adele Rolling in the Deep and Papa Roach Scars. After 3 hours, I texted back and said I miss you too, but why are you texting me? He asked if we were friends. I said with the feelings I have, I can’t be just friends, but I will date him and told him I’d like to recreate our first date. He didn’t respond. So yesterday, I sent him a texting asking him to go to dinner Saturday. I was expecting him to say no, but he said it sounds like fun. Then he texted me when he got home from work last night. I’m so confused. I should say every other relationship I was in was physically abusive, but this one wasn’t. I kept pushing to see if he would become abusive and he never did. Why did he text after 5 days when he’s the one that said goodbye. I want him back but I know I can’t force him to love me. If he doesn’t love me, why doesn’t he just let me go?

  14. I’m living with my ex bf. and we have a two year old and I’m wiring and going to school this was a choice we both made with having a baby and school and so on and forth but I feel like he resents me and just can’t see me or he is not holding back on being negative .. I’m letting go and seeing if it’s meant to be it will be but it’s hard without he’s positive support and having so much in my plate I’m trying not to cry or feel down it’s tough but I’m doing ;//

  15. My boyfriend broke up with me recently. .. We’ve been together for 4 years.
    He says he doesnt want me in his life anymore… I am just clueless..but for now I’ve decided not to talk or text him. If he has to come back to me. .he eventually will… rest I’ve left everything in the hands of the almighty!

  16. Dear hisbestfriend,

    It sounds like your boyfriend is just as confused as you are, and that he doesn’t know how to work through relationship problems. Not fighting isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship, it’s a sign that you and he avoid conflict.

    Sometimes the best way to save a relationship – especially when your partner says he doesn’t love you anymore – is to give him time and space to figure out what he wants. The more you cling to him, the farther he’ll run.

    Can you give him time and space? What does this mean to you?

 Leave a Reply