How to Cope When He Says “I’m Not in Love With You”
The sting of hearing him say he doesn’t love you anymore is almost unbearable – but you are not alone. And, you will be happy again! Below are several tips on how to cope.
But first – you might want to read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship if you’re determined to save your relationship. Sometimes couples go through ups and downs, peaks and valleys…and it’s possible that this is just a difficult stage of your relationship. But even if you decide that you want to get him back, don’t pursue him right away. Give him time and space to think, to miss you, and to think about life without you.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you.
Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means. I hate to resort to cliches, but it really is true that when you set something you love free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. Sometimes you just have to let go, especially when he says he fell out of love with you.
When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
“Try to forget about him” is easy advice to give, but difficult to swallow. Yes, you need to learn how to deal with the pain of rejection, and move forward in your life…but you also need time to grieve the loss of your relationship.
Allow yourself to feel the pain and grief
Give yourself time to go through the natural stages of grief. You may still be in shock – you may feel unable to believe that he doesn’t love you. Or maybe you always knew deep down that he wasn’t fully committed to you.
Allow yourself space, privacy, and time to cry and work through your sadness, disbelief, anger, and hurt. Don’t rush yourself through this process. Write in your journal, listen to sad songs about breakups, and let your heart break. You need to move through the pain before you can start to heal. Experiencing the pain IS healing, even though it hurts so much.
Focus on yourself – not on him
For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans.
Learn how let go of someone you love. Start writing down your goals and taking specific action steps towards achieving them.
Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe
One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.
If you’re struggling with bleakness and despair, read 7 Ways to Deal With Depression After a Breakup.
Look at your love and relationship objectively
You’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him?
Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
Incorporate at least one new activity into your life
Here are a few practical action tips for what to do when he says he no longer loves you:
- Plan a trip to Thailand, Peru, or Italy
- Volunteer at a homeless shelter
- Be a Big Sister volunteer mentor
- Take a sushi making class
- Join a snowshoeing or hiking club
- Take Zumba dance lessons
- Find a new place to live
It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.
If your partner doesn’t love you because he’s in love with someone else, read How to Get Over a Bad Breakup. I wrote that for a reader on my Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships blog.
Has your boyfriend or husband said he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share below. I can’t offer advice or tell you how to get him to fall in love with you again, but sometimes writing brings clarity and insight.
Hold tight to your memories. Lean on your friends and family for strength. And always remember how much God loves you.