When He Says “I’m Not in Love With You Anymore”
Before the tips, a quip:
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you. Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means. I hate to resort to cliches, but it really is true that when you set something you love free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be.
Sometimes you just have to let go.
If you want to work on your relationship, read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship. I also list a few more resources at the end of the article.
Here are a few tips tips on what to do when he doesn’t love you anymore…
What to Do When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Focus on yourself – not on him
For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. To let go of someone you love, write down your goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.
Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe
One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.
If he had too much space and found time to cheat on you, you may find How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals helpful.
Look at your love and relationship objectively
You’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
Incorporate two new activities into your life
Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.
If your partner doesn’t love you because he’s in love with someone else, read When the Man You Love is Marrying Another Woman.
Help for Love and Relationships
Getting Over a Bad Breakup
- When the Breakup Wasn’t Your Choice – How to Get Your Ex Back
- The Magic of Making Up – Even When It Seems Hopeless
Has your boyfriend or husband said he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share below.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Divorce Care Tips
I was with this guy for 12 yrs. then we broke up and for 10 yrs. then all of a sudden he facebooked me and i accepted, thinking after 10 yrs, he changed. ha, he just got worse. FIRST he came on spring break to see me and it was the best and he stopped drimking which was a BIG problem in our past. now i think its all good, NOT!!! then he pays for me to go to p.r. for 3 months, and i just had my ACL surgery. so, i go and he makes me walk all over the place when i told him if i go all i want to do is RELAX! you know. then he keeps me like a dog and tells me he will smack the s**t out of me in the airport when i was geting the ticket if i kept talking s**t. so, i left him, now he is here in my house in my state and not paying bills rubbbing the past in my face and making me feel i need to leave my house, i love him so much until TODAY. he told me out of know where , I DONT LOVE YOU! i think its time for him to go back to p.r. or by his family . im sorry, but now out of know where YOU dont love me anymore f**k that, gyou got to gol. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO!!!HELP!!!!!!!!!
Hello, Not sure how to even start.. I have been married for 13 years this coming may… I say married because we have not divored yet.. We have two children ages 5 and 10.. we are 7 yrs apart in age.. him being younger… we have had our ups and downs.. well at least I thought that was what they were.. he came to me last august and told me he loved me.. but was not in love with me anymore… at that point.. I was floored.. devasted… I couldnt really understand what he was saying.. I was in shock… but I knew something was/had been wrong for a while.. I had known for maybe 6-8 months before he came to me… but I didnt think anything was “really” bad between us before that.. just thought we were having typical married problems… like we werent doing things together much anymore.. and felt like there was a wedge being pushed between us .. with his job.. the kids.. life in general… through the years we have fought.. over one thing or another.. some drop down drag out fights.. some just short ones.. I felt that those fights were us claiming bounderies.. what we expected from each other.. what we were willing to deal with and what not… well through the years.. we would say mean things to each other.. in the heat of arguments.. I said pretty mean things.. I admit it.. one being that when we got together.. I would be the stay at home mom.. and take care of the kids.. we both agreed to that.. but when we would get into arguments.. I would throw it up in his face that I gave up everything for him.. so he could pursue his life.. career.. whatever… well I would say those things alot… and thinking back.. I never really meant to hurt him.. but it had.. and that is one of the things.. after talking with him that he is basing his feelings on.. saying that if you say it enough to someone .. they believe it.. and I understand that.. and Im so deeply sorry for the pain I caused him… I never knew how much it hurt him… but.. here we are.. and now he is leaving.. we are separating… I asked him if this is a separation.. or divorce.. he tells me that he is done.. and he doesnt think it can be repaired… Im SO broken hearted.. we have been trying to make things better all this time.. almost a year.. and all he has ever said to me.. is Im not happy.. that he doesnt feel any better about us.. problem is.. I have bent over backwards to change my outlook on our relationship.. tried everything I can to make him happy.. and its not enough.. he looks at me and tells me he feels Im doing all these nice things for him because I have to.. not because I want to.. so it just doesnt matter what I do.. it seems he will never believe Im doing all this things for him because I want to.. I want to make him happy.. he just doesnt believe me… I guess because he is so hurt… he also told me he is absolutly positive I am not attracted to him.. and he couldnt be farther from the truth.. I think he is beautiful.. but again.. he does not believe me.. and I am afraid to show him for fear of rejection from him…anyways… I know I have rambled.. and to be honest there is way too much to mention… I guess what I am writing this for is to ask if I should just let it go… him go… I really do love him.. he has been my world… my rock.. for so long.. and when we met.. we were so in love.. and we both felt that we were meant to meet and be together… and I dont know how we got to this point.. Im so devestated.. my heart has been hurting for so long… but it seems nothing is going to change .. no matter how much I try… thx for reading..
a couple nights ago my husband of only 9 months told me he thinks of me as more a friend than anything. and that through out our relationship and marriage doesnt feel as though i loved him. personally i dont know how he feels that way because i stuck by his side when he decided to jion the military, through out basic and tech school and i moved across the world(leaving my own family) to be with him. i do every thing he asks of me and even things he doesnt. my heart is sinking and it hurts so bad because i really do love and care for him and being in another country at the moment we still sleep in the same bed he still cuddles with me hugs me kisses me and calls me baby but i cant help but cry every time he touches me cause i dont know if its real or not and i dont know what to do. and i very strongly oppose divorce and its so early in the marriage. so what do i do?????
hello every one I really need help , last night my boyfriend tell that he wont to broke up with and he said he doesn’t know if he love me any more or not and he has 3 concern first we lose consummation because i am a negative person and i can’t give him an opining so he lost hope so he stop tell the important thing and shear things with me but this is not true he is a very busy person and have a lot of responsible on his back so i was trying to be nice to him when he tell me something and try to make him feel better,and his second concerned that we only talk about six and that making him fell low and then he start to avoid me and avoid talking to me but that also not true we always talk in late night and if i try to talk about any thing he go for six he never said he doesn’t wont it and wont it to stop yes sometime i felt like he doesn’t wont it but that the only way to grab his attention and the third one is that he save some money so we can get married in this year but now his family need him and need his money so he said he cant committed to me because he doesn’t have something to offer to me so my question is ,is it to late to fix this issues and come back together i love him and i know he love me too ,so can you please help me to get him back
Hi there where do I start I’ve been with my husband for 12 years we have our ups and downs like any couple well 5 days ago he comes out with he’s sick of me and the kids and he would leave if he had the choice his mood swings are like jeckle and hyde all the time well me and the kids have been ignored noW for 5 days and its driving me insane problem is kids are 9,8,6,3 so I can not make excuses for him not for his benifit but for the kids sake I just need someone to talk to he owns the house and I would have nowhere to go with the children and doesn’t seem to care how his moods affect anyone!
These asshats! Why do we let them do this to us. I know my worth. I’m smart, funny and pretty. WHAT am I/are we, thinking?! Sometimes I don’t feel I’m thinking at all…just feeling.
Thank you all for this discussion. It helps.
I know how all you are feeling. I’m 42 years old with 3 children: 15, 9 and 16 months, two bad divorces, and bad recent relationship. I recently got acquainted again with my high school sweetheart who lives across the country and has been there for 20+ years. We were talking, texting, facebooking, for months and he seemed like he really wanted to try to re-kindle things. He invited me to come out there to visit, was excited about it and said those things that make a woman really think that: “He is serious!, he really acts like he is concerned about me, my life and so on”. He even wanted to move back home (where I live) due to job and economical reasons. I arrived and we had one great day and night; then all of a sudden he acted like he didn’t want me there!!! Almost like I was interfering in his life and he wanted me to leave. When I confronted him he stated that I wasn’t that he just had a lot on his mind about moving, a job, and so forth. I immediately went to the airport and got a flight home. As I got out of the car to go in he kissed me and hugged me tightly with tears in his eyes, and of course I had been crying. Went home, texted him and he does respond, called him and he does answer and talk to me but not in that caring, concerned voice as before. Almost like I am bothering him. Through our talking; I rediscovered that we had so much in common; morals, values, goals, etc. So that makes it even worse for me: I guess he’s “just not that into me” as I am him. Very hurtful!!! can’t stop crying!!! He was the first guy in years that I felt such a connection with, and even after almost 30 years I still haven’t gotten over him. Any advice or help out there??
I found this site by typing “why am I letting my boyfriend determine my happiness”. I am (was) supposed to be relocating to another state to live with him. Three days ago I gave him my arrival date. Haven’t heard a word from him since. I’m feeling so many really painful emotions right now. Shock, grief, shame, embarrassment, abandonment, and a terrible fear of the future. I’ve been making plans for this move for over four months, and now I feel…I don’t know, kind of anchorless I guess. If I don’t have this what do I have. I’m not sure how to begin re-routing my life. I had it all planned out and now…well, now I see that all my plans, all my dreams and expectations were totally reliant on another persons feelings and actions. I’m hoping that this experience isn’t going to leave me hopelessly jaded and cynical (though at this moment I feel like it just might.)
Maria and sinead, I know EXACTLY what you are both going through. I actually take some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one. I have a 4 month old baby boy, I was with the father for just over a year when he decided to break up with me 6 months pregnant and left me for another woman. This woman was someone he has worked with for several years and I’ve even met her myself on a number of occasions. He is now living with her, they are possibly getting married and she is now spending time with my child. We were also engaged before. I have been in a state of traumatic turmoil and so depressed. But there is hope, I also met someone and he has been a saviour. I don’t need a man to make me feel better but I’ve gone through so much that I’m actually more confident in myself and he arrived just at the right time. I just need this other woman to get out of our lives as she’s not very nice and I don’t really want her round my son. So yes, my advice would be to stick at it, try and get happy for yourself and remain positive if you can. Its hard, I was crying every night waiting for my son to be born on my own while the man I loved was round the corner with another woman. I know how it feels, but believe me.. You do get through it. Oh and also, he will get his share of pain and its hiss loss anyway. Sacrificing a beautiful life with a beautiful family for some tart is a huge price to pay in the long run. X
Ok can someone help me? My boyfriend and I broke up 2 and a half weeks ago and I’m having that good-one-day-then-depressed-the-next moment…
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I actually tried asking people for help on some websites but no one’s been replying to me and it’s just making me feel hopeless. Can someone reply here first so I can at least know someone’s actually willing to help?
This reply is for: Landon Statis
Hello Landon,
I read your message, I’m thinking I can give you some advice, BUT I need to know what exactly happened; what that “bad” thing was that happened between the two of you, before I can give you specific advice. I can tell you from what I see, whatever happened, scared the hell out of her; to the point that she feels as if she can’t trust you again. Like I said, I need to know what exactly happened. Honestly, this may be a situation where you may just have to move forward or it may work over time. I’d also like to know when the situation took place. Did it happen in front of her children? Trust me, if she came out of one bad situation, she’s not going to want to get into another one. I’m sensing a lot, just based on what you wrote. If you’re comfortable, email me and I will give you my honest opinion. Your message to be will be kept CONFIDENTIAL. Now, in terms of you spending the holidays with her, I don’t know, again, I need to know what exactly took place between the two of you.
Best,
rlawrence215@gmail.com
Sinead i know its extremely difficult given your circumstance but you have to remain strong for your children, especially your unborn child. Men make it seem it is so easy for us just to simply move on and find somebody else, we don’t function the same way they do. For them is easy, ofcourse because we are the ones who stay with the kids and have to carry all the dead weight on our shoulders. As much i am crying inside i still have to put a happy face for my son. So try to remain strong, don’t show him your hurting. One thing I learned is that I have to pretend i am ok with his decision and not show him my emotions because if i do instead of bringing him closer, i am just pushing him away even more. Best of luck to you and your family. God bless
I’m having one hell of a time.
i was with my ex for 2 years and we had an amazing relationship where we both felt like it was for keeps. Never felt so happy with anyone else, talked all the time, stayed together, was a co-parent, and amazing chemistry both sexually and with humor. I have an ex-husband who was abusive during our marriage and he used our son as a tool causing alot of stress. I kept my relationship with my ex bf quiet around my son’s father and it caused my bf to feel like he was not a priority. Finally he emotionally broke it off in September and immediately started to date someone to try to move one. It didn’t work and we got back together but he trickled it off still saying he loved me, but not in love, sparks were gone, and that he could forgive but not let me in again. I was devistated and have not been able to get over this.
He says things like he made a decision now he feels better, he can’t go back on the life change etc. he talks to me every day either by text or calling. Everyday! We talk about everything and there is still chemistry there, about the relationship, our lives etc.. He told me recently that he is now seeing someone and I found out from a friend who saw him that it is the same girl from September and when I asked him he told me it didn’t matter, that they were not dating before but are now. I was so shocked and hurt. i feel like he lied and tho I believe he didn’t see her the whole time, I can’t help but wonder and feel that she was between us during the attempt to try again.
He says that he wont give us a second chance and has never gone back on his decisions before. He deleted me off facebook but still every day initiates contact through text or phone calls.
What should I think? What should I do? I love him and have thought about dating but just can’t go there. I made mistakes but if he still cares why won’t he change his mind? Is it all too soon and we are still too close for him to realize he would miss me in his life?
hey guys this is mheart, and im a teen but was in a horrible breakup. this guy’s parent’s forced him ot dump me after 9 weeks…they didnt know we were dating. and so he still liked me, but he said he was tired of the drama, and that’s what sparked him to not like me anymore…people have been coming to him and asking if he still liked me and i didnt even know, so naturally he thought it was me that sent them…so he thinks im bugging him, and im really trying to get him to like me again, and im running out of options. im giving him time, space, but occasionally run by the window of his classroom, right where he can see me, so i can remind him of me. he is one grade lower than i am, so we have different classes, but we have band together. we also do this after school thing together and it’s awkward because he acts like im not even there, and he doesnt talk to me. is there anybody that can help me with this????
My boyfriend of 3 years told me he doesn’t love me on our 3 years anniversary. I’m so devastated, this only happened a week ago, I’m giving him his space, but I have made him world and it’s killing me. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like living anymore. I’ve always put him first, always love him. Im so close to his family. It’s hurts so bad. Please tell me what to do? He said he’s trying, but what if she doesn’t come back, what if he says no. Please help
Hi everyone,
(I put this post on the depression page too, as it covers both topics!)
I’m struggling in my relationship, found this site, and thought Laurie/someone here may have some insights
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now, and in the beginning we had such a lovely time and we spent a lot of time together. I would stay over at his place 4+ nights a week, it felt real and close, he told me he loved me very often, was affectionate and sexual and sweet. He’d cook us dinner, and we’d be happy just chilling out together.
We both have tricky situations at present. We both broke up with our previous partners in summer 2010.
He’s 37, was married for 12 years, with 3 children, and money worries, and his wife ended it suddenly when she found a new man, although he admits the marriage had been over for years, seperate bedrooms, no talking etc.
I’m 32 and had bought a place with my partner of 9 years, and was also working for him for the last 2 – things had been bad for a while and we ended it. I have been unemployed for nearly a year due to my ex taking my job away, and a couple of operations that I had to have. I am now looking for a job, and need to have one within 3 months for financial reasons. I’m still in the property I own with my ex (He’s not and we don’t speak!) and will buy him out as soon as I’m working. It’s stressful.
My boyfriend’s situation has become worse in the last few months. He’s facing bankruptcy due to debt(which means his kids will have to leave the family home and he’s worried they’ll hate him for it), his divorce is about to go through, his wife is being difficult about him seeing his kids (which hurts him deeply as he loves them), she is blaming all the money issues and divorce on him alone, while the children don’t even know that she’s in a relationship with the new guy – they think he’s just a friend. On the upside, he has a good job that he loves a bit too much!
He also had to move house due to lack of money into a flat that’s just a favour from a friend and really grotty, which meant I stayed a lot less – also him being gone for 8 weeks (see below) didn’t help our relationship. (I can’t have him to stay at mine due to issues with my ex still owning it too).
He has to give the child support agency so much of his income that it will be hard for him to find accomodation. (I can’t move him in with me until I own my place).
My boyfriend also betrayed my trust at the time of the move by working away for 2 months against my wishes. We did still meet up some weekends though but I felt ignored and let down by him doing that in the first place. Our relationship hasn’t been the same quality since.
Anyway, after feeling tearful, rubbish, and acting out of character lately, he got diagnosed with depression, and has been given anti-depressants and psychotherapy. He has only had a few sessions of psychotherapy and it doesn’t seem to be doing anything yet.
He came off his drugs 5 weeks ago without anyone (including me!) knowing and claims he ‘doesn’t need them’ and ‘hasn’t got depression’ but is still acting strangely and saying contradictory things to me on different days. He also withdraws from seeing friends, and will not be intimate with me in any real way. I am the only person that he talks to about his problems.
He went away for work for a fortnight four weeks ago, promising to support me while he was away, telling me he loves me and will miss me with tears in his eyes at the airport, even emailing on the second day to say he already missed me.
He called me, drunk, one night and we had an arguement because he thought I’d said something I hadn’t, but due to his being drunk and off his pills, he just wouldn’t listen. Communication died off in the next few days as his attitude stank! He ended up ignoring me for the whole second week which DEEPLY hurt me.
We talked when he got back, and I told him I wasn’t happy at all with how he’s been treating me lately, and he needs to be a good boyfriend or we can end it with no contact (as I love him so much but he’s hurting me – my feelings are being controlled by him).
He said he wants me in his life so wanted to try to make it work. That was two weeks ago. We’ve seen each other 2/3 times a week since then. He took me out for the evening the other day and I stayed over at his. We shared a bed but he didn’t want to cuddle me or anything, saying he loves me ‘but not in that way’ and it ‘didn’t feel right’.
It really hurt my feelings and confused me, as we had just been on a date! He invited me and he paid for me, even though I tried to pay for myself! To me that’s a date!
Then yesterday he’s saying that he loves me as a friend, and even though he says he can see I’m attractive, he says he doesn’t fancy me (or anyone else either) and that he thinks we should ‘be friends and see if we can build a relationship from there’.
I asked him in an ideal world would he like it to work with us and he said yes.
He keeps trying to put us in the ‘friends’ box though. He says things like ‘I need to fix the problems in my life first’. This doesn’t make any sense to me!! It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater! In my head, you work through your problems together and come out of the other side stronger for it!
He says he has no sex drive at all for ANYONE, but that’s it’s not the depression as he had no sex drive before we got together either and he only had lots of sex ‘bacause I wanted it’. This is crazy talk! He actively pursued me!! I did NOT make the first move.
I asked him how he can ‘love me’ as he’s getting on a plane and the next day too, and then one misunderstanding led to an arguement and him ignoring me, and he’s come back and is now saying ‘I don’t love you in that way’. When I asked him to explain how he can go from loving me to not loving me in his head within 3 days, he simply said ‘It’s because I didn’t miss you when I was away, and I did miss my kids’.
As you can tell, I’m totally confused!!! We’ve just been out tonight also, and again he paid for my dinner and the cinema, just like a boyfriend would. He also held my hand walking along to and from places and gave me a kiss on the lips. Then later on when I was going to my door he was odd about cuddling me, and didn’t want to kiss goodnight at all (I stayed at my own house tonight).
I DO NOT understand this at all. He seems to want me to be like I’m a wife, but without any of the sexual stuff. For example, he actually has the opportunity to have his kids over at his Mum’s this weekend(as it’s a nicer place to be than his flat), and I’m invited, plus I’ve never met his Mum before (she’s ill a lot with MS) so this will be the first time.
He seems to want me around, and to text, email, and talk to, and go and do stuff with, but not romantically at the moment.
He isn’t seeing anyone else – I know him too well and am certain of that.
In the beginning it was he who pursued me, he who said I love you first and he who asked me to be his girlfriend. He even introduced me to his kids very early on and we have spent a few nice days out all together. I just don’t understand.
Is his depression causing this odd behaviour??? (The depression he claims to no longer have…)
If not what is?
The stress from his life addling his brain?
If anyone can give insight/advice I would REALLY appreciate it!
I’m driving myself nuts over this. I love him very much and have put over a year of effort into this relationship and want it to progress. He seems to want to chuck it away because he’s stressed/depressed….
Any thoughts would be great,
Thanks,
Lucy J :O)xx
Hi Maria, I know what u r going through four weeks on Saturday my fiancée dumped me says he didnt love me anymore. I am devastated I have three children under six and am 25 weeks pregnant today, he comes back and forward to the house but his moods are so up and down I thought it best we stopped contact but caved in everytime and asked him to see the kids. He wants to help but changes arrangements about and dictates when he sees the children never on a weekend, he to is a student newfound leaf of life and is very focused on this and thus alone. I am very upset because we have to see each other he has student accomodation and says he can’t take the kids there but it doesn’t work him visiting I always cry and hate to hear of his nights out which I hate to hear about. I’m thinking about going to a solicitor as he keeps threatening me with one when he falls out with me but I have now said to him that getting a solicitor is not a threat but what annoys me is he keeps saying most guys would just disappear, as If I’m should be so grateful for his helping out as he likes to call if this his arrangements are rubbish only week days a couple of hours at night and it’s pretty much like it or lump it. We have never ever spoke to his family lots of bad blood there so no support from them and it’s all just a mess really. I know I have to accept this rejection but trying to is a different matter I want to enjoy my children and pregnancy but feel I can’t. He wants to see his kids at Xmas in our house I think that will be the hardest thing I will have to do oh u have seen the kids open there presents great bye bye for now! U see totally screwed up just cause he says he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to believe that’s the reason but he won’t tell me anything else just I have to accept it and I’ll thank him one day oh yea and go and get urself a new lad ! As if 25 weeks pregnant!