It hurts to argue with your boyfriend or husband, but it’s devastating when he says he’s not in love with you anymore. Here’s what to do when he says he loves you, but he’s not in love with you.
If you want to work on your relationship, read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship. You might be able to convince him to keep working on your relationship.
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you.
Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means. I hate to resort to cliches, but it really is true that when you set something you love free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. Sometimes you just have to let go, especially when he says he fell out of love with you.
What to Do When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Try to forget about him. Learn how to deal with the pain of rejection, and move forward in your life…
Focus on yourself – not on him
For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. To let go of someone you love, write down your goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.
Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe
One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe. If he had too much space and found time to cheat on you, you may find How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals helpful.
Look at your love and relationship objectively
You’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him?
Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
Incorporate two new activities into your life
Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.
If your partner doesn’t love you because he’s in love with someone else, read How to Get Over a Bad Breakup. I wrote that for a reader on my Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships blog.
Has your boyfriend or husband said he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share below. I can’t tell you how to get him to fall in love with you again, but sometimes writing helps you heal.
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