When He Says “I’m Not in Love With You Anymore”

It hurts to argue with your boyfriend or husband, but it’s devastating when he says he’s not in love with you anymore. Here’s what to do when he says he loves you, but he’s not in love with you.

I'm Not in Love With You AnymoreIf you want to work on your relationship, read I Love You, but I’m Not IN Love with You: 7 Steps to Saving Your Relationship. You might be able to convince him to keep working on your relationship.

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.” That’s one tip for when he stops loving you: take a step back and let the air flow between you. Below, I describe what “spaces in your togetherness” means. I hate to resort to cliches, but it really is true that when you set something you love free and it comes back to you, it was meant to be. Sometimes you just have to let go, especially when he says he fell out of love with you.

What to Do When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore

Focus on yourself – not on him




For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. To let go of someone you love, write down your goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.

Give yourself – and him – space to heal and breathe

One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe. If he had too much space and found time to cheat on you, you may find How to Stop Loving a Man Who Lies, Cheats, and Steals helpful.

Look at your love and relationship objectively

You’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.

doesnt love me anymore

“When He Says He Doesn’t Love You Anymore” image by Laurie

Incorporate two new activities into your life

Plan a trip to Mexico. Volunteer at a homeless shelter. Be a Big Sister. Take a sushi making class. Join a snowshoeing or hiking club. Take Zumba dance lessons! Find a new place to live. It doesn’t matter what the new activities are, really…what matters is that you find new, interesting things to do with your life. Then, when you start obsessing about your ex-boyfriend, you can practice replacing the obsession with something new and interesting.

If your partner doesn’t love you because he’s in love with someone else, read How to Get Over a Bad Breakup. I wrote that for a reader on my Quips and Tips for Love and Relationships blog.




Has your boyfriend or husband said he doesn’t love you anymore? I welcome you to share below. I can’t tell you how to get him to fall in love with you again, but sometimes writing helps you heal.



Stay in touch - sign up for free weekly updates

Get Laurie's Blossom Newsletter

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on twitterLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on pinterestLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on linkedinLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on googleLaurie Pawlik-Kienlen on facebook
Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Welcome - I'm glad you're here! I can't give advice, but you're welcome to share your experience below. I'm a writer in Vancouver; my degrees are in Psychology, Education, and Social Work. I live with my husband, two dogs, and cat. We are childless, & have made peace with it. It helps to love Jesus :-)

You may also like...

76 Responses

  1. Laurie says:

    Dear Becky,

    You are going to heal from this breakup – and it will take time. Healing is a process, not an overnight event. Healing requires courage, nurturing yourself, connecting with people who love you, and focusing on the reasons you are relieved and happy that this relationship is over. Healing is focusing on the things that give you strength, peace, and a sense of connection with something bigger than yourself. Healing is about learning how to stop thinking thoughts that destroy and tear you down, and staying focused on the good, peaceful, true, and right things in your life.

    My prayer for you is that you find a source of strength, courage, wisdom, and peace by connecting with God. May you make the right decisions about when to go and how much time to spend on Facebook, and may you find the discipline to do things that make you feel strong and happy with your life. May you avoid the soul-destroying, peace -shattering activities that make you so unhappy. May you gain strength from the God who loves you so much, and who will protect you from anything you can’t handle. And may you connect with the right people, books, organizations, and websites to help you heal from this relationship breakdown. Amen.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. Becky says:

    I basically just need someone to tell me that I am going to heal & be okay because at this moment it takes all I have to keep breathing. Its not surviving day to day, its minute to minute. We were together for 2 years. 18 months were amazing. He lived with me & my 4 kids. Then he got custody of his 2 kids and they moved in. We couldnt survive it as hard as I tried. He is always angry & frustrated. I was always walking on eggshells so I didnt say something wrong to make him mad. He threatened every week to take his kids and move out. Finally last Tuesday I had it…told him to quit threatening or just so it! He told me i was forcing his hand & making him decide and so he is leaving. He got an apt for he and his kids. My kids are so happy cuz they hated them all here…not enuf room.
    But now he is just kicking me while im down. Im sad and broken…he said he is happy and relieved & doesnt miss me a bit. I cant even explain what i feel inside because its so bad. I am so in love with him but he became so hard to get a long with :(. I asked him to be moved out by wkend. He still has a garage full. He comes here 3-4 times a day to grab one thing. Im giving him space, not texting or calling or bothering him. He will send me msgs about dumb things. Text me to tell me im pathetic or lame or ugly. Then he goes and changes his facebook profile pic to my 3 yr old daughter. My mind & heart cant handle it. If he doesnt love or miss me I can heal from that eventually maybe. I read these posts & see im not alone in this feeling. At least its been about 24 hrs since he last contacted me…makes us being over more of a reality & i think i need that

  3. yolly says:

    we had a silence break-up. we had a big fight after he cheated a couple of times ended up impregnating one of his girls, our bby was only 2 years old by that time, he never said he loves me no more me neither, i find my bags packed the day his new bby was born i took them and moved out, time went by my heart finded a place tp forgive him for all the pain and shame he brought me. problem is, he never say a word to me, as time goes by i missed him, texted him but he never replied, it been 3 years now my heart still loves him deeply.

  4. Laurie says:

    Dear Sheila,

    As hard as it is, sometimes the most loving thing we can do is let them go. Your boyfriend needs time and space, and it breaks your heart. He says he’s not in love with you anymore, and you’re grieving the loss of your relationship. You were together for 10 years, and you had plans for the future. Now, you’re lost and alone and heartbroken — and you’re confused about why this is happening.

    It’s important to keep doing what you’re doing, which is giving him the space he needs to do his own thing. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, that you are able to grieve your loss and heal.

    You WILL move on eventually, and you will heal from this sad situation. God will support and carry you…and eventually you may even see that this is a good thing for you. It seems impossible to believe that this could be good, I know, but sometimes even the worst situations turn out for good. God works everything together for the good, for people who love Him.

    I hope you are feeling better. You are not alone.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  5. sheila says:

    Dear Laurie
    My boyfriend of 10 years just told me on his birthday that he no longer loves me. He stated that he was sorry and that he just didnt feel the same anymore. He said that he just needed us to go our separate ways. I love this man and committed to him. Now i feel hopeless and cannot figure out what happened. He states he just woke up and realized that he didn’t love me anymore. Mind you, we went to parties for his nieces and nephews last week. We were intimate as always. Although it had slowed down due to prostate problems but I was understanding and I put his health first.
    I feel lost without him and having been trying to understand what happened to us. He even stated that there was a time when he loved me so much that he would have done anything for me. But not now.
    I need closure but he cannot give me that. He said there was no one else but that he needed time alone. I am giving him that time alone. It is hard for me because I care so much for this man. We share some common interest and I will have to see him periodically due to these interest.
    Tearfully, when I finally left his home, I have told him that I would always love him and want him to be happy. I pray that God will carry me though this and support my efforts to let go and let God handle this situation. It is hard extremely hard and all I can remember is the first time I ever saw his face.

  6. Laurie says:

    Dear Joy,

    As much as it hurts to be told by your boyfriend that he doesn’t love you anymore, you have to hold on to the thought that this relationship wasn’t meant to be! It’s heartbreaking and disappointing, but for some reason you and your boyfriend are not meant to be together.

    Breakups happen for a reason. They happen because two people are not meant to be together. A breakup is the chance for you to find the man you are meant to be with — after you grieve the end of this relationship, of course. Give yourself time to heal, to process this breakup, and to focus on what kind of future you want for yourself.

    Get strong and healthy. When he says he doesn’t love you anymore, it’s a sign that it’s time to find who you are and where you want to go in life!

  7. Laurie says:

    Dear A Lee,

    I’m sorry for the pain you’re in. It’s a terrible feeling when a boyfriend – or even a husband – says he’s not in love with you anymore.

    I hope you’re able to heal, and move on. It may be hard to believe you’ll fall in love again, but it will happen. You’ll meet the right man for you, and you’ll be glad this one said he’s not in love with you anymore!

  8. Joy says:

    My boyfriend of 4years just told me dt he is no longer in love with me.he even went to d extent of telling me dt we don’t v a future together.i feel so depressed n emotionally hurt.i feel so hurt coz each time I remembered how he pressured before I had to agree dating him,I do ask myself,y did I ever agreed in d first place?.i love him and will accept him back if wants us to b together again.just that am still finding it so hard now to admit that we r no longer there.plz,I rili need consolation and support.

  9. A Lee says:

    Yea I just got told these words indirectly. We had a spat and I said you act like you aren’t in love with me anymore and he replied by saying you already know the answer to that. Being in the ldr for the last 2 1/2 years makes it all the worse I can’t be there with him which is the main reason for the break up. It hurts. Then he text me he loves me but that didn’t make it better it only made it worse to know oh Iove you but I’m not in love with you…it’s very disappointing. I feel like I lost my best friend everything….

  10. Laurie says:

    Dear Barb,

    It sounds like you and your ex have very strong feelings for each other. It’s not easy to let go of the love you had – or the love you still have! I think he does love you, and you love him….but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are meant to be together. Maybe you’re both grieving the end of your relationship, and you need to let go slowly.

    Is it possible to recreate your first date? There’s alot of water under the bridge, and sometimes it’s not possible to go back. Sometimes we can only move forward – and it’s better that way.

  11. Laurie says:

    Dear Teresa,

    You sound you’re trying very hard to keep it all together, and I admire you! It’s so difficult when we aren’t supported at home, we feel so alone and vulnerable and scared. You’re dealing with so much right now, and having relationship problems does not help. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

    What other sources of positive support do you have in your life?

  12. Laurie says:

    KD, I think it’s awesome that you’re letting go and leaving your relationship in the hands of the almighty! Trust Him to take care of you — and to protect you from a man who says he isn’t in love with you anymore. You will find someone who loves you with all his heart, and you will be so glad you trusted the almighty. Stay strong.

  13. Barb says:

    I met my boyfriend a little over a year ago. I moved in with him about 6 weeks later and at first things were great. Then he snooped through my email and found one from when I was mad at him and has thrown that in my face for 10 months. Then a couple weeks after the snooping, my adult daughter and I were out to dinner and our pizza was made wrong two times so it took awhile. When I got home, he was in bed, so I didn’t shower, just brushed my teeth. In the morning he asked me if I was seeing someone else because there were no dirty underwear in the hamper. From these two instances I became unhappy, but still loved him. But because I was unhappy, I didn’t treat him well. I wasn’t snippy all the time, just a few times a week. He eventually told me I needed to leave and I did at the beginning of April. The day after I moved, the feelings I have for him hit me like a ton of bricks and I am very much in love with him and miss him. It’s not just because I had to move. I’ve thought about everything I love about him and it’s real. Since I hurt him he said he needed space and time. I kept pushing – once a week I’d push real hard and he got tired of it and told me goodbye last Wednesday, by text and said he doesn’t love me.. I was out of town for the holiday weekend and Monday morning I got a text from him that said “I still miss you” with video links to Adele Rolling in the Deep and Papa Roach Scars. After 3 hours, I texted back and said I miss you too, but why are you texting me? He asked if we were friends. I said with the feelings I have, I can’t be just friends, but I will date him and told him I’d like to recreate our first date. He didn’t respond. So yesterday, I sent him a texting asking him to go to dinner Saturday. I was expecting him to say no, but he said it sounds like fun. Then he texted me when he got home from work last night. I’m so confused. I should say every other relationship I was in was physically abusive, but this one wasn’t. I kept pushing to see if he would become abusive and he never did. Why did he text after 5 days when he’s the one that said goodbye. I want him back but I know I can’t force him to love me. If he doesn’t love me, why doesn’t he just let me go?

  14. Teresa says:

    I’m living with my ex bf. and we have a two year old and I’m wiring and going to school this was a choice we both made with having a baby and school and so on and forth but I feel like he resents me and just can’t see me or he is not holding back on being negative .. I’m letting go and seeing if it’s meant to be it will be but it’s hard without he’s positive support and having so much in my plate I’m trying not to cry or feel down it’s tough but I’m doing ;//

  15. kd says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me recently. .. We’ve been together for 4 years.
    He says he doesnt want me in his life anymore… I am just clueless..but for now I’ve decided not to talk or text him. If he has to come back to me. .he eventually will… rest I’ve left everything in the hands of the almighty!

  16. Laurie says:

    Dear hisbestfriend,

    It sounds like your boyfriend is just as confused as you are, and that he doesn’t know how to work through relationship problems. Not fighting isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship, it’s a sign that you and he avoid conflict.

    Sometimes the best way to save a relationship – especially when your partner says he doesn’t love you anymore – is to give him time and space to figure out what he wants. The more you cling to him, the farther he’ll run.

    Can you give him time and space? What does this mean to you?

  17. hisbestfriend says:

    I have been with my current boyfriend for about a year and a half now. I moved in with him after only dating for six months. It was as if everything was amazingly perfect. We really dont fight but every time we do have a disagreement he aways says something about us not being together. When hes mad he says he doesnt love me anymore. But once he is calm down he says he loves me but doesnt feel the same way he did 2 months ago. Im confused. I dont know what to do or how to take it. Please help me!

  18. Laurie says:

    Sometimes we need to take control of our lives and relationships! If he’s back and forth about loving you, not loving you, breaking up, getting back together — if it were me, I’d just call it quits.

    I know this is easier said than done, but there’s only so much back and forth that one woman can take! The short-term pain of breaking up (and taking control of the relationship) may be worth the long-term pain of being tossed around like an unwanted kitten.

  19. Rabne says:

    I have been with my boyfriend off and on for almost 4 years now. We started off as friends who would do everything together. We would play tennis, talk for hours, share private writings and stories, and etc. After a couple of months, maybe just a little over one, we decided to become a couple and I couldn’t have been happier. But boy things have been rocky since. I guess I should mention that he is 9 years younger than me. Which has never seemed like a big deal to me. We compliment each other and its recognized by many of our friends and family members. This last December he began talking marriage and went to his father for counseling. (We were separated at the time). We got back together, but just a month into it I could tell he was starting to have his doubts again. We werent arguing or anything like that, in fact everything seemed great. He finally expressed his doubts to me and I couldn’t handle it so we called it quits again. The following month he sent me some flowers, candies and gifts for Valentines Day. I guess I read it the worng way, because he says now that he was just sending that as a friend. Well needless to say we got back together. Again, everything was great except lately I could tell he was withdrawing again. So this weekend we talked it out and he says he doesnt “feel” like he loves me anymore, and that he goes back and forth in his mind all the time. I am very sad. We were supposed to be getting married in September. The crazy thing is that I never initiated any talks of marriage, he did… yet he is now the one who has backed out. I feel like I didnt just lose my boyfriend but I lost my best friend.

    We (he) had planned a vacation for us in a few weeks and he is trying to persuade me to go… I just dont understand why we should go on vacation together…??

  20. Laurie says:

    I am sorry I cannot reply to everyone!

    Dear Miriam,

    If you decide to get back together, then I think you should go very very slowly. Sometimes people change, but if you rush in too fast, you may find that he has not changed after all.

    Love is often about finding the balance between opening your heart and being vulnerable, and being wise enough to protect your heart (and your children, if you have them!).

    Maybe you could start dating him, and take things one step at a time. What do you think?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  21. Miriam says:

    My boyfriend of two years, told me I do not love you anymore. Just out of the clear blue. We had been together during the weekend and had a beautiful time,we never had a disagreement during our relationship, we were like best friends. He said I do want to remain friends with you,I will text you and call once in awhile to be sure you are ok.. I thought. My life would have ended at that moment. I told him I have tons of friends I don’t need that. I decided if he didn’t. Love me and wanted his keys back, then he should not know anything about me so I did the no contact,as much as it hurt me I couldn’t. Be friends,its been two years now, and after three months of no contact he started texting me.asking. His daughter to call me to see how I was but I stayed strong no contact,every bday,every holiday he text me.now after two year we meet up face to face. His face was like a Christmas tree he was happy, I keep my cool all I said was hello, and walked away, my heart with so much pain..i know that as soon as we had broken up he was with. Another woman, now they aren’t together I know. I still love him but that pain was so horrible I couldn’t live that again. His daughter told me he regret’s it. I love him so much.but I know I could never trust him again..help what should. I do people tell me everyone deserves a second chance..help

  22. sam says:

    me and my fiance always hav been fighting in very silly matters. after two months we r getting married. we had relationship for the last 7years. we had a very sweet relation before our engagement in 2010. after the engagement everything change. he get annoyed easily of me. small issues has created big fights between us. and now i feel that he doesnt love me anymore.. though he says but i deeply feel that he doest.. i love him so much. and i want to rebuild our relation but donno how to start.. if i dont do anything from now, im sure married life will start badly… i cant afford that..

  23. Lisa says:

    After four years I get a letter telling me I need to move out by the 1st of September. He says he loves me but isnt in love with me anymore and wants his space in his house. He says he wants to still be “together” just doesnt want a full time girlfriend wants to learn to be independent (he is 37) I have found a place but I really dont want to leave but feel I have no choice. I know I shouldnt chase him and I really have been trying but still living with him right now is so very hard.
    I keep asking him if I did something wrong and he denies it but he is so cold, we are supposed to still be together yet he is alwasy off by himself I try to talk to him but he runs away
    I need to decide whether or not I want to still be with him and the way he is acting now I am seriously considering telling him to lose my number once I move. I just wish my heart would listen…

  24. Sarah says:

    my husband has always been so good to me and weve had a good relayionship but he is terrible with communication. we have been having financial issues and just recently he told me he doesnt think he loves me anymore, im afraid its all the stress of bill that is keeping him conected and im afraid im going to lose him i love him so much and i dont know what to do.

  25. Laurie says:

    Dear Gemma,

    Yes, I think it’s time to let go! Why do you want to hold on to a man who is verbally abusive? He’s told you over and over he’s not in love with you anymore….why do you want to stay with him?

  26. Gemma says:

    Been suffering for quite long now, i am married to a very verbally abusive husband. He have nothing good to say about me at all. That i am nothing and nobody to him. I was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago and he started to act differently. And just today, he said he is fed up with me. He is tired for he said i am just a burden to him. That he can get any woman anytime he wants. He wanted me to understand and just let go of his drinking habit with his friends. That is always the issue. Of course, i have the right to ask where is he and where have he been. But he is not giving me the right at all, he said i am JUST his wife and i dont have the right to ask his activities. Ive been suffering so much. Is it time to let go? I never gain even a little respect from him. Its so sad, that i gave up everythiing for him, but that doesnt matter to him at all.

  27. The Nanny says:

    I have been with the same man for nearly 30 years. First started going in college together. Quite frankly we were both career driven and although I was fascinated by him, I never felt the toes/fingertips kind of love that I had with others. Our relationship went along, through many career changes, bicoastal address changes, etc. I was 30 and we decided, for lack of anything better to do, to get married. I wanted children. We had difficulties with infertility then quickly had two children in two years. With the second pregnancy he had some sort of affair, never could tell me what exactly happened, and my imagination went wild. I found some pictures of two women so naturally I thought the worst. I never did recover from that. Whatever kind of relationship we did have, it was further drained by his drug addiction. Last summer when dealing with my father’s death, I broke down and finally ended this thing. There was nothing left.I feel nothing for him. It took him months to move out. I finally feel renewed, refreshed and alive again. I can’t wait to get the money and the paperwork of the divorce settled. Thanks for listening.

  28. LOST!! says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he broke my heart when we told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore, didn’t have felling for me when he hug or kiss me, he tried to fell it but couldn’. He wanted to be alone and want a me to stop contacted with me.ect. he told me allot hate full things and i couldn’t believe it at first but then i was thinking about that past 4 months. He took back the engagement,He was sometimes busy and did have time for me, i could tell he was acting different but didn’t through t it was about us. he got into fights with my family and me i felt lost but then he acted like everything was fine because we talk things out. its been 5 days we haven’t been together and on Facebook he been talking allot sh!T about me to people that it was all my fault and i ruin his life and i made him dead it his friends. i don’t know what to do. HELP!

  29. Brigitte says:

    I have been married for almost 23yrs and with my husband for 26yrs. 1 month ago we sat down to talk and he said I still love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I had felt a strain for a few months, I know we had some tough times financially over the years and busy with the kids activities, but I always thought as they left we would have more time for us, and as they have left I have tried to plan more couple things, but he has planned single stuff with other friends, some I don’t even know. We are both in individual counceling, I am trying to keep hope alive, but after a month of one sidded affection, I am feeling beat down. He has been leaving the house for days at a time to go hang out with friends. He still wants to be intimate, and we still putter around the house, but outside activities are not done together. I don’t know how much more I can take, my heart breaks every day. I don’t know what to do

  30. Broken Heart says:

    I think that one of the worst things in life is when you love someone and they do not love you in return. Hoping and praying every moment of every day that they will change. Holding on to hope because you love them with all your heart. Accepting that they will not is very difficult. You cannot tell love what to do. I’ve loved a man for approx. 2 1/2 yrs and truly believed that he loved me too. That our union was special and had depth and meaning. He told me last night that he was not in love with me and that he could have sex with another woman and still continue to see me. That somehow that would be okay with him. He’s already left me in his heart and now I have to learn to let him go. I have to accept that he will never come back. I’m not going to hope any longer. This seems like an impossible thing to do since he’s a part of me. The only way I know how to do this is with God’s help. With God all things are possible and I must believe that He has a plan for me.

  31. young and stupid says:

    Hey ava this is for you
    The same thing happened when my ex left me. I loved his family as well as him. One thing I can say is if he doesn’t come back don’t let that ruin your relationship with his family. I am still really close to my ex’s mom (she is like a second mother to me) and his step-brothers. Giving him space is good but you need to start working on building a life outside of him. Go do something new. Make a friend who doesn’t know him. Because if he doesn’t come back you don’t want your whole world to leave with him. Hang in there hon, I hope your luck is better than mine. Just remember either way that you are your own person and you should not let him define your life.

  32. young and stupid says:

    Hey mheart I know exactly how you feel. If you read my post you’ll see that I am still not over my ex. I will tell you my parents played a large part in our breakup. He claimed he couldn’t stand their crap anymore. I did have an advantage you don’t since he was in college and I was in highschool so I didn’t have to see him. That said. Since you still go to school with him my advice no matter what stance you take with him is to not let yalls breakup screwup your friendships with other people expecially mutual friends. When my ex left I lost a lot of friends because I ignored them and pushed them away. Don’t let that happen!

  33. young and stupid says:

    I feel kind of stupid commenting on this especially after reading some of these other posts. First let me say y’all are some strong women. You handled it way better than I did. I wasn’t dating my boyfriend for very long ( alittle under six months) when he broke up with me. But let me tell you, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t feel like someone else had died, I felt like I had died. I had been going through a really tough time with my parents and with selfconfidence issues. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life just that I wanted it to change. I was not in a very happy place at all. I trusted no one and I hated who I was. So when I met him it was like a dream come true. He made me feel like the most amazing person. He wasn’t perfect and neither am I but we balanced eachother. He was strong where I was weak. We got really serious really fast and on my 17th birthday he asked me to marry him. Everyone expected it and we made plans to marry after he graduated from college. I worried a lot that things would change when he went to school since I was still in highschool and sometimes i wonder if my constant worrying and negativity dicdnt contribute to what happened. For the first month or so after school started we were fine, really happr actually. Then I started having issues with my parents and they actually forbid me to see or speak to him for about three weeks. That is when everything changed. I was so exstatic when I got to see him again but he seemed a little distant. He told me he was just having some problems at school and questioning some decisions but I didn’t think much of it. Little did I know the decision he was questioning was his relationship with me. When he finally broke up with me I was totally crushed. I was barley functional for days. I went through the motions of going to class and stuff but I wasn’t really there and I cried almost constantly. I begged and pleaded with him and for several months I was a complete mess. I couldn’t think of anything but him and my friendships and social life suffered. I know several teachers talked to my parents and several people tried to get me to talk to a counsler but I couldn’t bear to do that because that meant admitting I couldn’t get him back. Now almost six months later I am still trying to let him go. He has very thouroughly cut off all contact with me but I am still reminded of him nearly every day. I lost all my friends but one who stuck through it the whole time and even now is still fighting to bring me back. In a little over a month I will be headed of to start my freshman year of college. I really want to make a fresh start but I am terrified his memory will follow me even there. I was young and stupid andf oolish to build my life around him and I don’t know how to undo it.

  34. Confused says:

    Hi, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up with me yesterday. Things were difficult because I live in the middle of nowhere and in the last 4 months we saw eachother once. But yesterday he said that he feels like he didn’t care anymore or miss me anymore and that he felt like he couldn’t be bothered to answer to my texts…
    Is this relationship repairable or should I just move on? I feel like it may be due to the distance and the fact that I text him too much and I might be going china for half a year next year for Uni… Could he be protecting himself or is it my constant texts are so annoying that he forgets that he misses me?
    During the break up he was acting like he was still sexually attracted to me but he was diliberately keeping his distance and not touching me?I just need to know of I should just give up or give him space and not text him and see how that goes?

  35. sammy says:

    I was with this guy for 12 yrs. then we broke up and for 10 yrs. then all of a sudden he facebooked me and i accepted, thinking after 10 yrs, he changed. ha, he just got worse. FIRST he came on spring break to see me and it was the best and he stopped drimking which was a BIG problem in our past. now i think its all good, NOT!!! then he pays for me to go to p.r. for 3 months, and i just had my ACL surgery. so, i go and he makes me walk all over the place when i told him if i go all i want to do is RELAX! you know. then he keeps me like a dog and tells me he will smack the s**t out of me in the airport when i was geting the ticket if i kept talking s**t. so, i left him, now he is here in my house in my state and not paying bills rubbbing the past in my face and making me feel i need to leave my house, i love him so much until TODAY. he told me out of know where , I DONT LOVE YOU! i think its time for him to go back to p.r. or by his family . im sorry, but now out of know where YOU dont love me anymore f**k that, gyou got to gol. WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO!!!HELP!!!!!!!!!

  36. Trinity says:

    Hello, Not sure how to even start.. I have been married for 13 years this coming may… I say married because we have not divored yet.. We have two children ages 5 and 10.. we are 7 yrs apart in age.. him being younger… we have had our ups and downs.. well at least I thought that was what they were.. he came to me last august and told me he loved me.. but was not in love with me anymore… at that point.. I was floored.. devasted… I couldnt really understand what he was saying.. I was in shock… but I knew something was/had been wrong for a while.. I had known for maybe 6-8 months before he came to me… but I didnt think anything was “really” bad between us before that.. just thought we were having typical married problems… like we werent doing things together much anymore.. and felt like there was a wedge being pushed between us .. with his job.. the kids.. life in general… through the years we have fought.. over one thing or another.. some drop down drag out fights.. some just short ones.. I felt that those fights were us claiming bounderies.. what we expected from each other.. what we were willing to deal with and what not… well through the years.. we would say mean things to each other.. in the heat of arguments.. I said pretty mean things.. I admit it.. one being that when we got together.. I would be the stay at home mom.. and take care of the kids.. we both agreed to that.. but when we would get into arguments.. I would throw it up in his face that I gave up everything for him.. so he could pursue his life.. career.. whatever… well I would say those things alot… and thinking back.. I never really meant to hurt him.. but it had.. and that is one of the things.. after talking with him that he is basing his feelings on.. saying that if you say it enough to someone .. they believe it.. and I understand that.. and Im so deeply sorry for the pain I caused him… I never knew how much it hurt him… but.. here we are.. and now he is leaving.. we are separating… I asked him if this is a separation.. or divorce.. he tells me that he is done.. and he doesnt think it can be repaired… Im SO broken hearted.. we have been trying to make things better all this time.. almost a year.. and all he has ever said to me.. is Im not happy.. that he doesnt feel any better about us.. problem is.. I have bent over backwards to change my outlook on our relationship.. tried everything I can to make him happy.. and its not enough.. he looks at me and tells me he feels Im doing all these nice things for him because I have to.. not because I want to.. so it just doesnt matter what I do.. it seems he will never believe Im doing all this things for him because I want to.. I want to make him happy.. he just doesnt believe me… I guess because he is so hurt… he also told me he is absolutly positive I am not attracted to him.. and he couldnt be farther from the truth.. I think he is beautiful.. but again.. he does not believe me.. and I am afraid to show him for fear of rejection from him…anyways… I know I have rambled.. and to be honest there is way too much to mention… I guess what I am writing this for is to ask if I should just let it go… him go… I really do love him.. he has been my world… my rock.. for so long.. and when we met.. we were so in love.. and we both felt that we were meant to meet and be together… and I dont know how we got to this point.. Im so devestated.. my heart has been hurting for so long… but it seems nothing is going to change .. no matter how much I try… thx for reading..

  37. lynn says:

    a couple nights ago my husband of only 9 months told me he thinks of me as more a friend than anything. and that through out our relationship and marriage doesnt feel as though i loved him. personally i dont know how he feels that way because i stuck by his side when he decided to jion the military, through out basic and tech school and i moved across the world(leaving my own family) to be with him. i do every thing he asks of me and even things he doesnt. my heart is sinking and it hurts so bad because i really do love and care for him and being in another country at the moment we still sleep in the same bed he still cuddles with me hugs me kisses me and calls me baby but i cant help but cry every time he touches me cause i dont know if its real or not and i dont know what to do. and i very strongly oppose divorce and its so early in the marriage. so what do i do?????

  38. mahi says:

    hello every one I really need help , last night my boyfriend tell that he wont to broke up with and he said he doesn’t know if he love me any more or not and he has 3 concern first we lose consummation because i am a negative person and i can’t give him an opining so he lost hope so he stop tell the important thing and shear things with me but this is not true he is a very busy person and have a lot of responsible on his back so i was trying to be nice to him when he tell me something and try to make him feel better,and his second concerned that we only talk about six and that making him fell low and then he start to avoid me and avoid talking to me but that also not true we always talk in late night and if i try to talk about any thing he go for six he never said he doesn’t wont it and wont it to stop yes sometime i felt like he doesn’t wont it but that the only way to grab his attention and the third one is that he save some money so we can get married in this year but now his family need him and need his money so he said he cant committed to me because he doesn’t have something to offer to me so my question is ,is it to late to fix this issues and come back together i love him and i know he love me too ,so can you please help me to get him back

  39. mum of 4 says:

    Hi there where do I start I’ve been with my husband for 12 years we have our ups and downs like any couple well 5 days ago he comes out with he’s sick of me and the kids and he would leave if he had the choice his mood swings are like jeckle and hyde all the time well me and the kids have been ignored noW for 5 days and its driving me insane problem is kids are 9,8,6,3 so I can not make excuses for him not for his benifit but for the kids sake I just need someone to talk to he owns the house and I would have nowhere to go with the children and doesn’t seem to care how his moods affect anyone!

  40. Paige says:

    These asshats! Why do we let them do this to us. I know my worth. I’m smart, funny and pretty. WHAT am I/are we, thinking?! Sometimes I don’t feel I’m thinking at all…just feeling.

    Thank you all for this discussion. It helps.

  41. Kristine Renee says:

    I know how all you are feeling. I’m 42 years old with 3 children: 15, 9 and 16 months, two bad divorces, and bad recent relationship. I recently got acquainted again with my high school sweetheart who lives across the country and has been there for 20+ years. We were talking, texting, facebooking, for months and he seemed like he really wanted to try to re-kindle things. He invited me to come out there to visit, was excited about it and said those things that make a woman really think that: “He is serious!, he really acts like he is concerned about me, my life and so on”. He even wanted to move back home (where I live) due to job and economical reasons. I arrived and we had one great day and night; then all of a sudden he acted like he didn’t want me there!!! Almost like I was interfering in his life and he wanted me to leave. When I confronted him he stated that I wasn’t that he just had a lot on his mind about moving, a job, and so forth. I immediately went to the airport and got a flight home. As I got out of the car to go in he kissed me and hugged me tightly with tears in his eyes, and of course I had been crying. Went home, texted him and he does respond, called him and he does answer and talk to me but not in that caring, concerned voice as before. Almost like I am bothering him. Through our talking; I rediscovered that we had so much in common; morals, values, goals, etc. So that makes it even worse for me: I guess he’s “just not that into me” as I am him. Very hurtful!!! can’t stop crying!!! He was the first guy in years that I felt such a connection with, and even after almost 30 years I still haven’t gotten over him. Any advice or help out there??

  42. Paige says:

    I found this site by typing “why am I letting my boyfriend determine my happiness”. I am (was) supposed to be relocating to another state to live with him. Three days ago I gave him my arrival date. Haven’t heard a word from him since. I’m feeling so many really painful emotions right now. Shock, grief, shame, embarrassment, abandonment, and a terrible fear of the future. I’ve been making plans for this move for over four months, and now I feel…I don’t know, kind of anchorless I guess. If I don’t have this what do I have. I’m not sure how to begin re-routing my life. I had it all planned out and now…well, now I see that all my plans, all my dreams and expectations were totally reliant on another persons feelings and actions. I’m hoping that this experience isn’t going to leave me hopelessly jaded and cynical (though at this moment I feel like it just might.)

  43. missemmy says:

    Maria and sinead, I know EXACTLY what you are both going through. I actually take some comfort in knowing I’m not the only one. I have a 4 month old baby boy, I was with the father for just over a year when he decided to break up with me 6 months pregnant and left me for another woman. This woman was someone he has worked with for several years and I’ve even met her myself on a number of occasions. He is now living with her, they are possibly getting married and she is now spending time with my child. We were also engaged before. I have been in a state of traumatic turmoil and so depressed. But there is hope, I also met someone and he has been a saviour. I don’t need a man to make me feel better but I’ve gone through so much that I’m actually more confident in myself and he arrived just at the right time. I just need this other woman to get out of our lives as she’s not very nice and I don’t really want her round my son. So yes, my advice would be to stick at it, try and get happy for yourself and remain positive if you can. Its hard, I was crying every night waiting for my son to be born on my own while the man I loved was round the corner with another woman. I know how it feels, but believe me.. You do get through it. Oh and also, he will get his share of pain and its hiss loss anyway. Sacrificing a beautiful life with a beautiful family for some tart is a huge price to pay in the long run. X

  44. Anonymous says:

    Ok can someone help me? My boyfriend and I broke up 2 and a half weeks ago and I’m having that good-one-day-then-depressed-the-next moment… :(
    I actually tried asking people for help on some websites but no one’s been replying to me and it’s just making me feel hopeless. Can someone reply here first so I can at least know someone’s actually willing to help? :( </3

  45. Renee says:

    This reply is for: Landon Statis

    Hello Landon,

    I read your message, I’m thinking I can give you some advice, BUT I need to know what exactly happened; what that “bad” thing was that happened between the two of you, before I can give you specific advice. I can tell you from what I see, whatever happened, scared the hell out of her; to the point that she feels as if she can’t trust you again. Like I said, I need to know what exactly happened. Honestly, this may be a situation where you may just have to move forward or it may work over time. I’d also like to know when the situation took place. Did it happen in front of her children? Trust me, if she came out of one bad situation, she’s not going to want to get into another one. I’m sensing a lot, just based on what you wrote. If you’re comfortable, email me and I will give you my honest opinion. Your message to be will be kept CONFIDENTIAL. Now, in terms of you spending the holidays with her, I don’t know, again, I need to know what exactly took place between the two of you.

    Best,

    rlawrence215@gmail.com

  46. Maria says:

    Sinead i know its extremely difficult given your circumstance but you have to remain strong for your children, especially your unborn child. Men make it seem it is so easy for us just to simply move on and find somebody else, we don’t function the same way they do. For them is easy, ofcourse because we are the ones who stay with the kids and have to carry all the dead weight on our shoulders. As much i am crying inside i still have to put a happy face for my son. So try to remain strong, don’t show him your hurting. One thing I learned is that I have to pretend i am ok with his decision and not show him my emotions because if i do instead of bringing him closer, i am just pushing him away even more. Best of luck to you and your family. God bless

  47. snicky says:

    I’m having one hell of a time.

    i was with my ex for 2 years and we had an amazing relationship where we both felt like it was for keeps. Never felt so happy with anyone else, talked all the time, stayed together, was a co-parent, and amazing chemistry both sexually and with humor. I have an ex-husband who was abusive during our marriage and he used our son as a tool causing alot of stress. I kept my relationship with my ex bf quiet around my son’s father and it caused my bf to feel like he was not a priority. Finally he emotionally broke it off in September and immediately started to date someone to try to move one. It didn’t work and we got back together but he trickled it off still saying he loved me, but not in love, sparks were gone, and that he could forgive but not let me in again. I was devistated and have not been able to get over this.
    He says things like he made a decision now he feels better, he can’t go back on the life change etc. he talks to me every day either by text or calling. Everyday! We talk about everything and there is still chemistry there, about the relationship, our lives etc.. He told me recently that he is now seeing someone and I found out from a friend who saw him that it is the same girl from September and when I asked him he told me it didn’t matter, that they were not dating before but are now. I was so shocked and hurt. i feel like he lied and tho I believe he didn’t see her the whole time, I can’t help but wonder and feel that she was between us during the attempt to try again.
    He says that he wont give us a second chance and has never gone back on his decisions before. He deleted me off facebook but still every day initiates contact through text or phone calls.

    What should I think? What should I do? I love him and have thought about dating but just can’t go there. I made mistakes but if he still cares why won’t he change his mind? Is it all too soon and we are still too close for him to realize he would miss me in his life?

  48. mheart says:

    hey guys this is mheart, and im a teen but was in a horrible breakup. this guy’s parent’s forced him ot dump me after 9 weeks…they didnt know we were dating. and so he still liked me, but he said he was tired of the drama, and that’s what sparked him to not like me anymore…people have been coming to him and asking if he still liked me and i didnt even know, so naturally he thought it was me that sent them…so he thinks im bugging him, and im really trying to get him to like me again, and im running out of options. im giving him time, space, but occasionally run by the window of his classroom, right where he can see me, so i can remind him of me. he is one grade lower than i am, so we have different classes, but we have band together. we also do this after school thing together and it’s awkward because he acts like im not even there, and he doesnt talk to me. is there anybody that can help me with this????

  49. Ava says:

    My boyfriend of 3 years told me he doesn’t love me on our 3 years anniversary. I’m so devastated, this only happened a week ago, I’m giving him his space, but I have made him world and it’s killing me. I don’t know what to do, I don’t feel like living anymore. I’ve always put him first, always love him. Im so close to his family. It’s hurts so bad. Please tell me what to do? He said he’s trying, but what if she doesn’t come back, what if he says no. Please help

  50. Lucy J says:

    Hi everyone,

    (I put this post on the depression page too, as it covers both topics!)

    I’m struggling in my relationship, found this site, and thought Laurie/someone here may have some insights

    I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for just over a year now, and in the beginning we had such a lovely time and we spent a lot of time together. I would stay over at his place 4+ nights a week, it felt real and close, he told me he loved me very often, was affectionate and sexual and sweet. He’d cook us dinner, and we’d be happy just chilling out together.

    We both have tricky situations at present. We both broke up with our previous partners in summer 2010.

    He’s 37, was married for 12 years, with 3 children, and money worries, and his wife ended it suddenly when she found a new man, although he admits the marriage had been over for years, seperate bedrooms, no talking etc.

    I’m 32 and had bought a place with my partner of 9 years, and was also working for him for the last 2 – things had been bad for a while and we ended it. I have been unemployed for nearly a year due to my ex taking my job away, and a couple of operations that I had to have. I am now looking for a job, and need to have one within 3 months for financial reasons. I’m still in the property I own with my ex (He’s not and we don’t speak!) and will buy him out as soon as I’m working. It’s stressful.

    My boyfriend’s situation has become worse in the last few months. He’s facing bankruptcy due to debt(which means his kids will have to leave the family home and he’s worried they’ll hate him for it), his divorce is about to go through, his wife is being difficult about him seeing his kids (which hurts him deeply as he loves them), she is blaming all the money issues and divorce on him alone, while the children don’t even know that she’s in a relationship with the new guy – they think he’s just a friend. On the upside, he has a good job that he loves a bit too much!
    He also had to move house due to lack of money into a flat that’s just a favour from a friend and really grotty, which meant I stayed a lot less – also him being gone for 8 weeks (see below) didn’t help our relationship. (I can’t have him to stay at mine due to issues with my ex still owning it too).
    He has to give the child support agency so much of his income that it will be hard for him to find accomodation. (I can’t move him in with me until I own my place).
    My boyfriend also betrayed my trust at the time of the move by working away for 2 months against my wishes. We did still meet up some weekends though but I felt ignored and let down by him doing that in the first place. Our relationship hasn’t been the same quality since.

    Anyway, after feeling tearful, rubbish, and acting out of character lately, he got diagnosed with depression, and has been given anti-depressants and psychotherapy. He has only had a few sessions of psychotherapy and it doesn’t seem to be doing anything yet.
    He came off his drugs 5 weeks ago without anyone (including me!) knowing and claims he ‘doesn’t need them’ and ‘hasn’t got depression’ but is still acting strangely and saying contradictory things to me on different days. He also withdraws from seeing friends, and will not be intimate with me in any real way. I am the only person that he talks to about his problems.

    He went away for work for a fortnight four weeks ago, promising to support me while he was away, telling me he loves me and will miss me with tears in his eyes at the airport, even emailing on the second day to say he already missed me.
    He called me, drunk, one night and we had an arguement because he thought I’d said something I hadn’t, but due to his being drunk and off his pills, he just wouldn’t listen. Communication died off in the next few days as his attitude stank! He ended up ignoring me for the whole second week which DEEPLY hurt me.

    We talked when he got back, and I told him I wasn’t happy at all with how he’s been treating me lately, and he needs to be a good boyfriend or we can end it with no contact (as I love him so much but he’s hurting me – my feelings are being controlled by him).

    He said he wants me in his life so wanted to try to make it work. That was two weeks ago. We’ve seen each other 2/3 times a week since then. He took me out for the evening the other day and I stayed over at his. We shared a bed but he didn’t want to cuddle me or anything, saying he loves me ‘but not in that way’ and it ‘didn’t feel right’.
    It really hurt my feelings and confused me, as we had just been on a date! He invited me and he paid for me, even though I tried to pay for myself! To me that’s a date!

    Then yesterday he’s saying that he loves me as a friend, and even though he says he can see I’m attractive, he says he doesn’t fancy me (or anyone else either) and that he thinks we should ‘be friends and see if we can build a relationship from there’.
    I asked him in an ideal world would he like it to work with us and he said yes.
    He keeps trying to put us in the ‘friends’ box though. He says things like ‘I need to fix the problems in my life first’. This doesn’t make any sense to me!! It’s throwing the baby out with the bathwater! In my head, you work through your problems together and come out of the other side stronger for it!

    He says he has no sex drive at all for ANYONE, but that’s it’s not the depression as he had no sex drive before we got together either and he only had lots of sex ‘bacause I wanted it’. This is crazy talk! He actively pursued me!! I did NOT make the first move.

    I asked him how he can ‘love me’ as he’s getting on a plane and the next day too, and then one misunderstanding led to an arguement and him ignoring me, and he’s come back and is now saying ‘I don’t love you in that way’. When I asked him to explain how he can go from loving me to not loving me in his head within 3 days, he simply said ‘It’s because I didn’t miss you when I was away, and I did miss my kids’.

    As you can tell, I’m totally confused!!! We’ve just been out tonight also, and again he paid for my dinner and the cinema, just like a boyfriend would. He also held my hand walking along to and from places and gave me a kiss on the lips. Then later on when I was going to my door he was odd about cuddling me, and didn’t want to kiss goodnight at all (I stayed at my own house tonight).

    I DO NOT understand this at all. He seems to want me to be like I’m a wife, but without any of the sexual stuff. For example, he actually has the opportunity to have his kids over at his Mum’s this weekend(as it’s a nicer place to be than his flat), and I’m invited, plus I’ve never met his Mum before (she’s ill a lot with MS) so this will be the first time.

    He seems to want me around, and to text, email, and talk to, and go and do stuff with, but not romantically at the moment.

    He isn’t seeing anyone else – I know him too well and am certain of that.

    In the beginning it was he who pursued me, he who said I love you first and he who asked me to be his girlfriend. He even introduced me to his kids very early on and we have spent a few nice days out all together. I just don’t understand.

    Is his depression causing this odd behaviour??? (The depression he claims to no longer have…)

    If not what is?

    The stress from his life addling his brain?

    If anyone can give insight/advice I would REALLY appreciate it!

    I’m driving myself nuts over this. I love him very much and have put over a year of effort into this relationship and want it to progress. He seems to want to chuck it away because he’s stressed/depressed….

    Any thoughts would be great,

    Thanks,

    Lucy J :O)xx

  51. Sinead says:

    Hi Maria, I know what u r going through four weeks on Saturday my fiancée dumped me says he didnt love me anymore. I am devastated I have three children under six and am 25 weeks pregnant today, he comes back and forward to the house but his moods are so up and down I thought it best we stopped contact but caved in everytime and asked him to see the kids. He wants to help but changes arrangements about and dictates when he sees the children never on a weekend, he to is a student newfound leaf of life and is very focused on this and thus alone. I am very upset because we have to see each other he has student accomodation and says he can’t take the kids there but it doesn’t work him visiting I always cry and hate to hear of his nights out which I hate to hear about. I’m thinking about going to a solicitor as he keeps threatening me with one when he falls out with me but I have now said to him that getting a solicitor is not a threat but what annoys me is he keeps saying most guys would just disappear, as If I’m should be so grateful for his helping out as he likes to call if this his arrangements are rubbish only week days a couple of hours at night and it’s pretty much like it or lump it. We have never ever spoke to his family lots of bad blood there so no support from them and it’s all just a mess really. I know I have to accept this rejection but trying to is a different matter I want to enjoy my children and pregnancy but feel I can’t. He wants to see his kids at Xmas in our house I think that will be the hardest thing I will have to do oh u have seen the kids open there presents great bye bye for now! U see totally screwed up just cause he says he doesn’t love me, I don’t want to believe that’s the reason but he won’t tell me anything else just I have to accept it and I’ll thank him one day oh yea and go and get urself a new lad ! As if 25 weeks pregnant!

  52. Evon says:

    Hi,
    I have been married for nearly 2years and have a gorgeous baby girl.
    We have fought in the passed but this time my husband hit breaking point and has packed his stuff and living with his parents.
    He told me he wanted to work things out but not yet!
    Every day he changes his mind!
    This has been goin on for 6 days still fresh.I need help???
    I have bee

  53. Maria says:

    Hello, I am very torned because my boyfriend of 4 years told me he’s not in love with me anymore and its extremely painful due to the fact we have a baby together. And I’m just in a tough situation because i am currently unemployed ( we decided it was better for me to be a stay at home mom) and I have nowhere else to live so I have no choice but to stay here. I am going to start school next month so he is supportive on helping me until I find a job and able to get back on my feet. I just try to be hopeful that he will open his eyes and realize he is making a mistake of letting me go before its too late. I just feel like he wants to be single so he will be able to go out to clubs and just have the same life as his friends, and just meet new women. I can give him his space however I won’t tolerate him talking to other women. If anyone has gone through the same situation I am or has any words of advice, i would truly appreciate it.

  54. Landon Statis says:

    Hi,

    I’ve been with the same girl for 4.5 years. Prior to that I was asking her out for 3 years before she finally said yes. Once we started going out, it was like God meant for us to be, and I still believe that. I do everything I can for her. I always put her before me.

    She is divorced with 2 kids. So, she sometimes needs help getting things done, and I’ve always been there for her. I do everything for her which she will let me do. I own a couple of buildings, and she lives in one of the units rent free, my way of helping her financially.

    About 1 year after were got together we had a bad fight. I did some things which were very bad. I’m not going into details. We seemed to get past it and I’ve never repeated anything like that again.

    However, she tells me now that it was that incident that broke her heart. That although she forgave me, she cannot forget. That she has tried but is not in love with me like she used to be, just loves me as a friend.

    Yet we still go out, still see each other, at times she invites me to spend the night. She still says she loves me. And then there are other days when she is the evil witch and says things that hurt. There are days when she will kiss me, and then other days when she will not even allow me to kiss her.

    Her actions and words do not match. And although some people have said move on, I love this girl dearly. Will just giving her space make her come back?

    As I type this now, we are not really on speaking terms. But, if she would call and need help, I would find it impossible not to help. Some people say I need to let her know that I may not always be there, but that hurts me to do that.

    Christmas is fast approaching. I have 30+ gifts for her and her kids. Some of my friends say that I should put the gifts under her tree, but not spend Christmas with them. Telling them it is a family time, and unless I am part of the family, I’ll not be there, even if she asks me to be there.

    I’m looking for direction here. What should I do to get her to come back? Hard to ignore her when I see her all the time at the gym and she lives in my building.

    Experts, advice please?

  55. marta says:

    HI,

    I’m from Spain and mu husband fro the US. He was playing pro ball in Spain for 9 years. During the summer we used to be apart 1 or 2 months and then I used to go to The States. Over there we have a condo in SC but him and his family are from OH and live there. We never could enjoy any privcy over those summer times because hi parents were ALWAYS AROUND. If we were in SC they were there, if we wanted to go on a city break , like for my BDAY to the Niagara falls they would come without even asking. They love me and I love them but they did not realie we were not getting any marriage space.
    2 years ago, due to the crisis, he had to early retired and left to the US to fnd a new job for us to settle over there. Since we didnt expect this to happen I didnt have my green card ready therefore I was just able to stay 3 months over there ( at her parents ). We owe a villa in Spain, a villa we rent as a holiday villa and I do all the work ( bookings, cleaning …everything ) so he could focus on his new carrier and I was taking care of our loan here. The condo in SC would have been our solution if he would have been able to tell his parents that we couldnt afford that house just for them and friends to go on holidays or to spend the winter now that they are both retired. He wasnt able to tell them not to come wherever we wanted to go by ourselves before, and he hasnt able to tell them we couldnt afford that condo because we wanted to live together in our own house, by ourselves and his job is in OH, not in SC.
    Before I camse back to Spain we argue because I told him I was tired his mom to run our economy and life somehow ( I dont think she knew how hurting it was, and maybe she was trying to help somhow but without weven mention the possibility of renting or selling the condo ….I wonder why? ).
    Now that I was halve packed to go back, and stay there till MAY, he says he is not inlove anymore. He has been writting email, not even calling me just telling me how bad he feels and how good I am but that he cant deny his feelings. He didnt even waited to see me in person and make sure that thats what he wants. I know ther is no other girl. He is one of the best persons I have ever known, coward, buthas a grest heart.
    I told him I am going there cuz I need him to tell me in person , after 11 great years, he loved me so much, made me feel it in a way tat I had NO doubts about him but this summer he has been cold. He kept sayig he felt weird, down, in a way he never felt before but that it didnt have anything to do with me. I understood since he changed his live from an easy live ( playing pro basketball ), succes, no money problems …. ) to the other side ( living with mom and dad, no wife there, money problems, pressure …. ) . Everything changed since I told him we had no choice but to sell the condo. He made me look for houses online last month nad he started looking because he told me literally he hates to live with me at his parents, no matter how along I do get withthem two.
    But now he comes with that I dont feel it anymore ….
    Im going there next Friday. Its because of our problems? can he relize he is still inlove eventhough he didnt think he was anymore ????? HELP!! I love him with all my heart and we were SUCH A GREAT TEAM!

  56. Sam says:

    My boyfriend just broke up with me because he doesn’t love me anymore. We were in a long distance relationship and I guess it finally got to him. He wants to stay friends and says he will call me all the time because I am his best friend and he tells me things that he tells no one else. The same goes for me and I feel like no one understands us more than one another. He also agrees with this. He still calls everyday to talk and when I don’t call him back, he’ll act offended.

    I feel like since we haven’t been able to see each other and he has a lot of stressful things going on. He’s confused and doesn’t know what he wants. I am hurt and lonely and struggle everyday to keep it together in front of others including him. I know that if we weren’t long distance this never would have happened.

    Is it wise for me to stay friends with him? I feel like there will always be hope there for us to be together again because I’ll never stop loving him. I’m confused as to why he says doesn’t love me anymore yet nothing else has changed between us.

  57. Miss_twee says:

    Hi. I have been with my guy for 12 years (since we were 19) and we are still not married. We have 2 boys together 11 & 4 years old. We’ve hit this rough patch in our life a few times. He says he doesn’t love me the way he used to. But in his heart he still loves me. What does that mean? How can someone say they don’t love you anymore but say they know in their heart they still do???

  58. steph says:

    I had a guy tell me he didnt love when im carrying hes second baby and it was hard but now im not interestd he wil find someone and i get two kids

  59. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Lin,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re in such pain and so lost because he doesn’t love you anymore….and I do hope you find the strength and courage it takes to survive this heartache!

    First, you have to remember that you WILL SURVIVE this broken relationship. Yes, you’re lonely and sad now, and it’s a difficult thing to heal from…but these feelings of pain won’t last forever.

    Second, I encourage you to find happiness and fulfillment outside of your relationship. If he’s the sole source of your happiness, then if he leaves, you’re devastated. But if he’s just ONE part of your happiness, just one part of your life, then his leaving is sad…but not devastating.

    Third, I suggest you read my articles on letting go of someone you love. And then please put those tips into practice! And, read the comments that other readers have left — you’ll see that you’re not alone, and that other people have survived their broken hearts.

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    And finally, I encourage you to call a women’s help line or support organization for help. Don’t try to survive and heal by yourself or by looking online. Get in-person help, please. You’re a good person, and you need to surround yourself with people who care and who know you so they can help you.

    I wish you all the best, and want you to realize that you WILL be happy, healthy, and strong again…it just takes time to heal a broken heart.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  60. lin says:

    i am so sad, feeling very lonely, he is so distant to me even though we sleep next to each oterh at night but he is not interested in me at all, i am so broken hearted. i really am trying to hard to stay cool and in control even though my heart is broken terribily i feel so alone, so lonely becos i am too much dependent on him,now that he left me alone, i felt so lost, i feel dying like i lost him, i wanted so much for him to like me , love me, want me, but he is so far and distant and not wanting me. i am so sad.i can’t sleep all night wandering why he is not interested in me.

  61. lin says:

    i have been married for 17yrs now, and know my husband about more than 20yrs, known him 5yrs before marriage,married 17yrs now. in the begining he love me so much i guess, now we have 1 kid age 11yrs old. we have been so much together, i am young when i married him,i knew him whn i am 17yrs and he’s 20yrs older than me, and i have alot of comfort, happiness, security with him, he’s been there for me all the time till our marriage, i am childish type very jeolus,but love him too much. even my dad disapprove our marriage becos his age, but i still married him and my dad learn slowly to accept him,but too bad,he hates my dad till today, there’s so much friction between my dad and hubby.after been married together for a long time,he always verbally abuse me,, he always scold, curses, bring me down , to him i am always doing wrong things, not clever enough, got slow brain, stupid, and all sort of abusive words, and i hv been so patient, i don’t know why he never appreciate what i do.. he always say i make him angry, make him sick. and now he’s been sickly now he blames me he say he is sick becos of me, he is always angry with me for small stuff like when i am not good in kitchen, like forgot to shut the window,forgot to carry the dustbine out, forget things, he got so angry. today he got so angry, he shut me out, he told me to leave him alone and not to talk to him and he ignore me, he love to ignore me, then i feel so sad, all alone and feel like the world tumble over me.i feel so lonely, he say he hate me and get sick of me. it seem everythng i do is wrong, and he is ignoring me, i feel so alone, and hurt. he alwys do this, i love him so much. i feel he don’t love me anhymore. he like to shut himself out nowadays and i am always begging him to come out of his shell and be happy,but he’s so sulky, i am so stress becos he is hating my dad and he’s so angry with me abt so many things. how will i ever survive ? pls ive me strenght, ia m so lost.

  62. thesecretgarden says:

    hello wounded heart, we have the same situation exactly the same on ly that i have a child, if youire there can you send me a message and we could talk and try to do our best how to forget them and show them we dont need them .

  63. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Metoo,

    I’m sorry for your situation — it sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and you feel like you have no options or choices.

    Can you call a local distress line or women’s helpline? Many women need to leave husbands, women who have nothing and feel dis-empowered. I think some of these women are able to rebuild their lives by seeking and accepting help from outside sources: shelters, family, friends, the government. I don’t know what resources are available in your area, but it’s worth calling to find out.

    Also, can you lean on your parents or friends for help? If you decide to try and regain your power (which you CAN do), you may need to rely on others for short-term support. Remember, in a few months or a year you’ll be in a position to help others…and this is what friends and family are for.

    Another thing to consider is rearranging your life, such as by working outside the home instead of home schooling. This might give you more power, as you’ll have your own income and life outside the home. I understand you made the choice to home school for important reasons, but getting out of this situation may mean making some different choices.

    I wish I had better answers for you; it’s a long process to rebuild your self-identity — but you’ll be glad you did! Also — if there’s a support group of some sort in your area, it might be good to join it…the more you surround yourself with people who have survived a similar situation, the healthier and stronger you’ll be!

    With best wishes,
    Laurie

  64. heartsuffering says:

    I think wounded heart that you should leave him. Believe me ! you should stay at that country too and work on your self to try to imrove your tatus there, you have to prove for him that you donot needhim at all but you came to Europe just to live with him which he doesnot appreciate this. you donot have to say any word but tell him to go as far as he can because oneday he will return back and asks for your forgiving where in this case you will refuse him because hopefully you will find someone who loves you. believe me it is better to find somone who loves you than find someone who you do,love.

  65. metoo says:

    What do you do if you’re not married? But, together for almost eight years and have three children together? And, you are a stay-at-home-mom who home schools so you don’t work outside the home? You have no money of ‘your own’ in a situation like this, where he will certainly not willingly turn over anything to you?

    I can’t believe I’m here. I’ve always been independent, and left an abusive marriage only to find myself in a worse situation because though he doesn’t hit me, I seem to have given up all my power somewhere along the line?

    What the hell do I do? God help me.

  66. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Fniklaw, I’m sorry I didn’t respond earlier. Somehow your comment slipped through the cracks, and I missed it!

    In your head, you want to move forward…but your heart is still with the man you loved. You CAN build a happy life. I don’t know if you’re reading this, but let me know if you are and I’ll write a few suggestions for building a happy life and thinking happy even when you’re still so sad because of your relationship breakup.

    Missy, I’m so sorry that your heart is broken — but I can hear so much hope and healing and possibility in your words! You’re doing the right thing, my friend.

    Sometimes love isn’t enough to make relationships work out. Sometimes we have to accept that it’s time to let go and move on….especially if you know in your heart of hearts that he doesn’t love you the way you DESERVE to be loved.

    I’m glad you found your way here, Missy, and I hope to hear from you again.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  67. Missy says:

    I googled for help on this one – and I have to say that what you wrote is all so true, Laurie. I am in a long distance relationship, and things have been fine until this weekend. We chatted on the phone and I could sense a sort of unhappiness in his voice. He broke up with me once, and asked for me back, and we said we will try. Now, I feel he doesn’t want to be the one to pull out as he will be eating his words. I invested so much time and gave him as much love as my heart possibly could give – that is why I wanted to hear his voice last night, for hours we talked, because today – I’m going to start to love myself, give ME the time, give ME the attention. Today, I start my life without him. Hearing his voice again would only change my mind so I am cutting it clean. It hurts so bad SO BAD, but I know I m doing him a favour and me too. Thank you for your words here, Laurie. God Bless.

  68. fniklaw says:

    It’s so hard to let go. I loved him more than anything, even myself. He was so mean to me at the end. He said horrible things. I could not believe that it was the same person. I was so hurt. I still feel pain and its been over six months. I want him back even though he hurt me so much. I am having trouble moving forward. I lost so many friends because I was so sad and missed him so much. I do not want this sad relationship to stop me from having strong and healthy relationships with others. I want to think happy. I want a happy life.

  69. woundedheart74 says:

    Forgetting him really is not easy, Going back to Asia actually is my last option, for now i`m studying their language, w/c is one of my biggest obstacle to get a job,i`m trying to look for a job, though i worked here before but in an int`l company so did not require to speak the native language.I don`t want to leave yet, because they will be free now, and people & friends will think that i was the one who left him, because our separation is not public yet. i am planning also to go to US,because i also have US visa but for now i want to make it here and proved to both of them that i can be the best that i can be and can be as happy as before and successful without him. Thanks Laurie, i needed all your encouragements and prayers…

  70. Laurie PK says:

    Starting over is hard…I know. Especially when you’re not in your home country. Have you considered moving back to Asia? Not that I think you should — I’m just curious!

    Your first step is to get a job, I would think. You’ll feel much better about your life and ability to take care of yourself if you’re working and earning money. And, getting a job would help you meet people and make new friends.

    I wish I could help….but I hope you know that I’m thinking about you, and sending positive vibes your way! If you have any questions, please do ask them here. I’ll be here for years to come :-)

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  71. woundedheart74 says:

    Thank you very much Laurie for all the encouragement and advices, it is still very difficult for me to accept and understand what he did, especially that i am not a native of his country, i am from Asia and he`s from Europe, i left my family and career, and lived with him in his country, i am alone here, no job, don`t know where to go and what to do, and how to start again. We never fought,just little misunderstanding sometimes, I was so confident and so secured that he really loved me, i did not have any idea that he will do this to me, bec though we don`t have kids, still we were an ideal couple, that`s why his family and all our friends were so shocked of his behaviour,from one day to another my life changed, without any clue that he will leave me for another girl.That`s why until now i can not moved on and accept the painful truth…….i hope soon i can accept the reality….

  72. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    My heart goes out to you, woundedheart. I do think you should move on, especially since you know he doesn’t love you anymore and he’s not interested in working things out.

    I know how hard it is to let go, and I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you some magic formula that would make your husband come back to you…but there isn’t anything you can do, I don’t think. He’s moved on.

    You need to take care of yourself and move on, too! Read “How to Let Go of Someone You Love” — here’s the link:
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/how-to-let-go-of-someone-you-love/

    and “10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup”
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/10-tips-for-surviving-a-breakup/

    I know these articles won’t heal your broken heart, but I encourage you to follow some of the tips. You may not feel like it or think it’ll help, but they are stepping stones to your future.

    Your husband has ruined your marriage — don’t let him ruin your future! You can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life without him. And one day, you’ll be ready to include a new man in your life.

    Let him go and move on. The only other option is to stay in your begging, pleading, powerless position — and that’s not a good place to be.

    I wish you all the best.

    Laurie

  73. woundedheart74 says:

    My marriage is in big trouble, my husband does not love me anymore the same way as before because now he is having an affair with his colleague and he loves her more than me. He already told me that our relationship is over and he wants to be with this girl.He does not want to work things out, his decision is final that he wants to leave me now, his mind and his heart is closed, eventhough he will lose his family and friends he does not care, he is so selfish. But me, i am still hoping for a miracle that he will realized that he is making a mistake, but nothing is working whatever i do or say. Should i give him up and move on? But i really love him so much, we dont have kids that is why it is so easy for him to leave me, but we have been together for 7years. I am still deeply in love with him, and so confused …dont really know what to do……

  74. Anointed1 says:

    Reen…..I have noticed, they have a “way” of making us feel it’s our fault. I also have found myself in the same situation at times. I have promised myself, however,to never let this bother me again. I am someone, and there is someone out there who will love me exactly the way I am….Same goes for you too!!!! God Bless!

  75. Reen says:

    I gave him space and he used the space as an excuse for straying…I hate it that everytime…everything ends up being my mistake….

  76. Gini Grey says:

    Such an important topic to cover, Laurie, and great tips. I’m inspired to add on to a couple of these from a metaphysical/spiritual perspective (for some it may be too ‘woo woo’ but it’s worth a try)as that’s the approach I take in my own life and with clients.

    Your first tip – focusing on yourself – is so important and another aspect I’ve found helpful is to focus on loving yourself with the feeling of love. Often we associate having love or feeling love when in relationship with another, thinking that if it ends so does the love, but in reality love is a state of being and a feeling vibration we carry within us and we don’t have to shut it down just because our love partner leaves, we can still keep feeling love by touching into the essence of it within us and allowing it to fill us so we don’t feel unloved anymore.

    The other tip on letting him (or her) go is huge too – especially when it’s really over. What I’ve found that helps in all kinds of relationships when they end, but particularly with romantic love, is to look at the bigger picture. I mean the really, really, big picture beyond what the mind’s intellect can analyze or the body’s emotions can feel, but into that spacious soul place where you see way beyond what the visual eye can see. When we can go into that place (either by being guided by someone, or through centering within, meditating, creative journaling etc.) we see the bigger purpose in the relationship and what the gifts and lessons have been and how it no longer serves us and that this is why it is ending (no matter who is actually ending it).

    When one or both couples don’t see this bigger perspective, it often takes a problem like an affair, huge arguments etc to break the couple apart (or to help them to readjust their relationship), but when seen from this higher spiritual perspective the person can see that it is either time to readjust the relationship or it is time to move on, that they don’t resonate any more, that there is something else for them to move on to that is a better fit. This helps to heal the heart tremendously.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>