May 202011
 
self sabotaging behavior

Is Charlie Sheen a good example of self-sabotaging behavior? I think so! (Image by Cesar Mascarenhas via flickr)

Self-sabotage is when you put obstacles in front of yourself. Self-sabotaging behavior means you set yourself up to fail – sometimes without even knowing it.

What makes things trickier is the fact that the signs of sabotage and self-defeat aren’t the same for everyone.

The results of self-sabotaging behavior, however, are similar: depression, despair, defeat, and helplessness.

“Great dreams…never even get out of the box,” says Erma Bombeck. “It takes an uncommon amount of guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, ‘How good or how bad am I?’ That’s where courage comes in.”

Do you have the courage to follow your dreams? Achieve your goals? Overcome your tendency to sabotage your efforts? If not, read Stop Self-Sabotage: Get Out of Your Own Way to Earn More Money, Improve Your Relationships, and Find the Success You Deserve by Pat Pearson.

And here are a few tips on how to stop sabotaging yourself…

What is Self-Sabotaging Behavior?

Think of Charlie Sheen or Lindsay Lohan: talented actors who put obstacles in their own way, who create problems to deal with instead of opportunities to succeed.

Think of my writer friend, who writes brilliant query letters describing his novels and sends them to publishers. When they ask to see his work, he says, “nah.” His manuscripts sit on the shelf.

Think of people who say they want to be married, yet do everything they can to ruin their relationships by withdrawing emotionally, cheating, or focusing on work.

And think of me, a professional blogger and writer who jumps from one Quips and Tips blog to another — always creating, always wondering why my blogs aren’t more successful…and never hunkering down for the long haul.

Basically, self-sabotage is a combination of thoughts, feelings, and actions that stop you from achieving your goals or succeeding in life. It’s you creating obstacles that work against your own self-interests.

Signs of self-sabotage:

  • Doing dumb things that set you up for failure, such as drinking too much the night before a job interview or something important.
  • Not staying focused on your goal. Always starting, never finishing.
  • Listening to your inner critic’s attempts to sabotage you.
  • Doing things that are in direct opposition to your goals, dreams, wishes, desires.
  • Feeling confused, frustrated, or depressed because your goals never seem to “work out.”

How does self-sabotage or self-defeat rear its ugly head in your life? Think of specific instances of when you made a “mistake” that cost you something you loved. For instance, sometimes men and women who cheat are deliberately sabotaging their relationships. Other times, they’re just dumb jerks.

How to Get Out of Your Own Way

Here’s one of my all-time favorite life quips:

“It’s a sad day when you find out that it’s not accident or time or fortune, but just yourself that kept things from you.” ~ Lillian Hellman.

My friends, the only person who is holding you back in life is you.

Accept conflict, disagreements, confrontation as normal

Sometimes we — women especially — sabotage ourselves because we’re afraid of what happens when we stand up for what we want and think. Women are often groomed to live up to other people’s expectations, which leads to sabotaging what we really think, need, and want.

And, sometimes we’re afraid of the labels that come with doing what we really want (“selfish”, “controlling”, “iron lady”, “b**ch”, etc). To stop self-defeat and self-sabotage, we have to accept the fact that sometimes we do things that don’t please other people. That’s just the way it is.

We must act out of passion – not fear of conflict.

Reexamine the beliefs about yourself that limit and control you

What do you believe about yourself that isn’t true? For instance, women who believe they don’t deserve to be in healthy love relationships will act in ways that sabotage or defeat good relationships. Women who believe they’re unattractive or worthless will sabotage their own attempts to lose weight or take care of themselves.

To stop sabotaging and defeating yourself, you need to stop believing things about ourselves that aren’t true.

Stop taking responsibility for other people’s dreams and goals

Sometimes I think it’s self-sabotaging or self-defeating for a woman to put her life on hold, so her partner or kids can pursue their dreams or goals. But, every situation, every woman, every motivation is different. We must make our own choices, based on what’s best for both us and our loved ones.

However, self-sabotage is a problem when we take responsibility for helping people achieve their goals and dreams, at the expense of our own. Women can put their goals or dreams on hold for their families, bosses, community, or parents. To stop sabotaging ourselves, we need to let others be responsible for achieving their goals…and we need to work towards our own.

Get professional therapy or counseling? Maybe, maybe not…

According to Eddie Selby, a clinical psychology candidate and Psychology Today blogger, there is “a lot of junk” out there on how to stop self-sabotaging behavior. His first tip is to get counseling, but not from just any therapist.

“When seeking professional help from a therapist for self-sabotaging behavior, the most effective and helpful treatment currently available is a specific kind of therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This therapy is specifically designed for problems with intense emotions, impulsive behaviors, and difficulties with other people…Numerous studies have found DBT to be a very helpful therapy, and my personal experience with providing the therapy is that it works very well.” ~ from Treatment of Self-Sabotage: The Prognosis is Good!

Whether or not you need therapy to learn how to stop sabotaging yourself depends on the roots and depth of your self-defeating behavior. Sometimes you just need a kick in the pants — or an “a ha” moment, a realization that you’re the sole reason you’re not achieving your goals.

And sometimes you need professional help.

Another sign of self-sabotage and self-defeat is perfectionism. If you’re a perfectionist, read Overcoming Perfectionism – 5 Ways to Stop Trying to be Perfect.

How will you get out of your own way? Comments welcome below…

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Christian, bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer, blogger, warrior princess. :-) My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

What's happening in your life? I welcome your big and little comments below! I can't give you advice, but writing might bring you clarity and insight.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

In peace and passion...Laurie

  3 Responses to “Self-Sabotaging Behavior – How to Get Out of Your Own Way”

  1. I found a great quote from Marilu Henner, on self-sabotage:

    “Self-sabotage has always been one of my favorite topics because it doesn’t matter what stories people have told me; I’ve already been there. I know what it’s like to get within striking distance of my goal weight, only to give up five or ten pounds from the finish line. I know what it’s like to pull off a certain look, get compliments, and then give myself permission to blow it. I know what it’s like to give in and give up as I get close to what I really want. Self-sabotage lurks within each of us every day of our lives. It has many characteristics, many faces, and many personalities, all with the same objective in mind – to get you off track, away from your goals, and stuffing your face as quickly as possible!”

    – from her book, Wear Your Life Well

  2. Thanks for your comment, Greg!

    I realized yesterday that I am in my own way. I didn’t think I was the type to sabotage myself, but I am! With my Quips and Tips blogs, for instance, I keep changing my mind and switching gears and jumping from one idea to another…I’m just messing things up for myself.

  3. I also read the post by Eddie Selby. I agree that DBT is a great way to start seeing the ways we defeat ourselves. I did an intensive 6 month course in DBT several years ago and learned some important skills for overcoming my own self-sabotaging behaviors.