6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems
How Do You Get Along With Toxic Family Members?
These tips for toxic relatives will help you cope with relatives you love, but just can’t get along with. Whether you need to handle family problems caused by siblings, parents, or other relatives, you’ll find something helpful here…
Before the tips, a quip:
“Family quarrels have a total bitterness unmatched by others,” wrote Mignon McLaughlin. “Yet it sometimes happens that they also have a kind of tang, a pleasantness beneath the unpleasantness, based on the tacit understanding that this is not for keeps; that any limb you climb out on will still be there later for you to climb back.”
There’s a difference between a family quarrel and a toxic relative, though. A toxic relative may keep you out on that limb, unwilling to return – and maybe that’s the best thing for you! For help with family problems, read Leaving Home: The Art of Separating From Your Difficult Family.
And, here are five tips for coping with problems with family members…
6 Tips for Toxic Relatives – How to Handle Family Problems
1. Know when to draw the line. On my How to Cope With Difficult Parents article, many readers describe toxic relatives who cause a lot of harm to themselves and their family members. My readers ask the same question over and over: “How can I stop my brother/parent/uncle/family member from doing it again?” It depends on the situation, of course, but many times the answer is found in letting your relatives face the consequences. If you keep protecting them from natural consequences, they’ll keep acting the same way.
2. Figure out what the “natural consequences” are. If your relative causes physical harm to another person or family member, then a natural consequence is legal action. If your relative always borrows money and never pays it back, then a natural consequence could be filing suit for repayment (provided you and your relative signed a loan agreement). Another natural consequence is not being invited to family dinners or celebrations (if the toxic relative always ruins the get-togethers). Many families try – out of love – to protect their relatives from the results of their actions. This may appear to be a loving thing to do, but it’s “enabling.” It perpetuates the behavior.
3. Learn how to deal with difficult people. Dealing with toxic people can be challenging, but there are many books and resources on how to deflect conflicts and situations. Read about boundaries, take workshops or classes about setting healthy boundaries with difficult people, and consider talking to a family counselor about the best way to handle family problems.
4. Distance yourself from toxic relatives. Sometimes the best way to handle family problems is to separate yourself physically and emotionally. This may mean moving to a different house, state, or country. Or, it may mean not answering the phone until you’re mentally and emotionally ready to talk. You don’t necessarily need to cut toxic relatives out of your life; rather, you can give them a quick call every 2-3 months — or you can send a note instead of calling.
5. Don’t expect your family member to change. Change the things you have control over, such as how often you visit. Even knowing you have control over the littlest things can make a difference! Your toxic relative may never change, but you can empower yourself in different ways. For instance, if you have an alcoholic sibling, you can join an Al-Anon support group. Toxic relatives are stressful – there’s no doubt about it – but you can reduce the stress by checking your own attitude and response to them.
6. Expect criticism. Handling problems with family requires setting healthy boundaries. It’s easier to set boundaries than to actually stick to them! Learn how to protect your boundaries despite criticism from other people. And remember that your toxic relatives may not think they’re doing anything wrong, and may not see the negative effect they have on you or others. They may think everyone should live and act the way they do. That’s their right, and it’s your right to live the way you see fit.
For more tips, read What to Do When Your Mother Problems Keep Getting Worse.
What do you think of these tips for toxic relatives? I welcome your questions and comments below…
Category: Emotional Health Tips, Family Tips, Identity & Life Tips, Love & Relationships, Mind & Soul, Parenting Tips, Solving Relationship Problems, Tips for Teens & Children
Very good article. I’ve been with my husband for 16 years…married 10. Ever since I met him, his mother has wanted me out of the picture. She said nasty things about me and told him he could do better. He ended up marrying me and she tried to tell him he could still walk away (while the music was playing in the church!)
We used to fight like crazy about her behavior until one day someone said, “Why do you make her such a big part of your life? Just make her a small part and only deal with her when you need to. She’s toxic.”
This tactic saved our marriage. We now go into situations with her as a team and afterwards agree her behavior was nutty or agree she acted inappropriately. My husband rarely calls her. She has been put in her place.
We have a 5 year old daughter. For our daughter’s benefit, we allow his mother to have a relationship with her, but it the interactions are very few as it does stress us out to get together.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still days where I get very stressed out about her, but I know we can’t change her.
What has been most difficult is the other family members looking at us as the “bad guys” for pulling away. Deep down, I know they understand where we come from, but I believe they think we should put up with it because she is his mom. The whole “Respect your parents” view. I respect her as his mom, but I’m not a doormat.
hi my brother, nephews and my sister in law not speaking to me. my dad past away and he left money to me and my one brother cause we were taking care of him. my other brother gotr mad so i handed the money over to him as a nice gesture. and i only asked for 100.00 he threw the hundred at me. When my mom died she also left the money to me and my one brother
My husband and I are having a dificult time his job is not going well,am a stay home mom,we have 2kids together,He has 1 from previous marriage and so do I, but lately my brother comes every single day with his daughter,my niece,she is a real pain in the butt,bothers my younger kids,very sneaky kid,and my brother does not discipline her at all,they eat in my house everyday,and my husband keeps complaining to me about them been here everyday,on the weekenfs,we never alone because they always in my house,now my husband and I are not talking to eachother for the past 2 days,he kind of kicked my brother and my niece out,and I told my husband that it was not nice what he did told me he didnt care,and he was happy they left,I just feel he is my brother and it hurt me,now I don’t know what to do or how to aproach the situation
I am having a lot of problems with my sister we were very close at on point in time she always invited me to come visit which is only 75 miles away ever since the the summer of 2012 it seems like she critizes me my son and my lifestyle she almost tries to make me feel like she is better than i am she got married when we graduated and he is a very good husband and they have a good marriage they build their own house and have very good careers i am divorced have had bad relationships and some emotional problems at first she was very supportive at first but now she acts like my decisions are wrong i am living with my boyfriend he is a great guy takes good care of me but she goes to church and disaproves and thinks i am living in sin she doesnt invite me to come up anymore and when i call or text her she doesnt call back i dont understand what the problem is if i am happy and it is my life and my decisions i am doing much better emotionally any advice?
they say that family is the best friend that we’ll ever had. best friends who can help, support and listen anytime. But what if they are the problem? how can we tell them our problem? … by the way, I am 18 from Philippines. My parents always quarrel mostly because of financial, and its the reason why my brother and I have to stop schooling, It really affect us. But the most situation that affect us hardly was to see our parents quarreling and now, they snubbing each other for a year. I just thank God that He let me moved to my grandmother’s house. Somehow, I feel pity for them. specially when I hears some negative comments about us from our relatives.It really hurts me… I don’t know who should I lean on… I feel so lonely.seeing my family’s failure is really a hard time.Sometimes, my father is talking to me about my mother and same with my mother talking about my dad, like blaming each other and no one accept mistakes. There are times that I really want to give up and just pray for their safety and health..