How to Cope With Children Who Are Energy Vampires

Written by on May 16, 2009 in Parenting Tips, Tips for Teens & Children with 20 Comments

Do you feel drained and tired after spending small amounts of time with your child? Here’s how to cope with children who are energy vampires…

First, a quip about energy from Magic Johnson:

“If people around you aren’t going anywhere, if their dreams are no bigger than hanging out on the corner, or if they’re dragging you down, get rid of them,” said Magic. “Negative people can sap your energy so fast, and they can take your dreams from you, too.”

You can’t just get rid of negative people or energy vampires when they’re your own children, but you can learn to protect yourself. For more info on dealing with energy vampires, read Energy Vampires: A Practical Guide for Psychic Self-Protection by Dorothy Harbour.



And, read on for tips on coping with children who are energy vampires.

Tips for Coping With Children Who Are Energy Vampires

I wrote an article called How Energy Vampires Drain Your Spirit for my Psychology Suite101 site – and it includes 11 ways to protect yourself from negative influences. Read the article to learn exactly what an energy vampire is, and how he or she can drain your energy and spirit.

When readers started asking me about how to deal with their children who are energy vampires, I realized that parents are in a totally different situation.

Reader question: “I have a 5 year old energy vampire. How do I stay away from her? She makes me play with her all the time and makes me soo exhausted. I’m glad that I know now because I have done some research and she fits most of the energy vampire “expectations.” She isn’t happy with herself and she thinks everyone hates her.”

To cope with young children who drain your energy:

  • Set a play schedule. Your child may be headstrong, but you’re still the parent! Set a play schedule with her: 15 minutes of together time, 15 minutes of playroom time, 15 minutes for snack, etc. Most kids like the predictability of a routine – and you need the knowledge that in 15 minutes, you can take a break.
  • Find games that focus energy. Some games, such as Barbies or dress up, focus attention and energy on one another. Others focus energy elsewhere. When you have young children who are energy vampires, play games that direct her attention to an object. Being outside may give you the space you need while directing her energy elsewhere.
  • Take a parenting class. Coping with young children who are energy vampires involves fine-tuning your parenting skills. Most parenting classes offer excellent tips and support for parents – whether they’re dealing with a difficult child, or just want to learn more. The bonus of taking a parenting class is that you’ll meet parents dealing with the same challenges!
  • Get help. If your child is psychologically demanding (eg, saying that everyone hates her all the time, is overly dramatic, or overreacts to small things) – consider getting counseling or therapy help. You can’t be an effective parent if you’re constantly drained of energy, and you may not have the counseling skills to help her! Getting counseling help for your child may be an effective solution – especially in the long run.

If your daughter’s hatred is draining your energy, read When Your Daughter Says She Hates You – 8 Ways to Reconnect.

Reader question: “What if the energy vampire is your adult child, who lives in another state? I am a single mom and quite frankly, I am exhausted from the phone calls, confrontations, putdowns from this 32 year old.”

To cope with adult children who are energy vampires:

  • Figure out how long it takes for you to recover from a visit, and schedule your phone calls or visits accordingly. That is, if your energy starts to return after a week without contact, then give yourself two or three weeks between visits.
  • Let the phone ring. Who says you have to answer the phone every time it rings? Whether or not your adult child is an energy vampire, you have the right NOT to answer the phone. You also have the right to return a call when you’re ready.
  • Have a plan for recharging after visits or calls. Set time limits on your phone calls or visits – and stick to them! And, after your contact with your energy vampire, do something positive that gives you joy: a funny tv show, yoga, or talking to your best friend.

If you’re having problems at home, read Dysfunctional Families – 5 Tips for Solving Family Problems.

What are your thoughts on children who are energy vampires? Please comment below…

20 Reader Comments

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  1. seemefly says:

    Mmm, here I am reading about energy vampires, again! There numbers are increasing dramatically it seems. Yes, it is infectious.
    All the tips here help but I think what is not often addressed or even known by many is that the person who’s energy is being drained is somehow unconsciously attracting this behavior.
    Spending time in meditation, writing exercise, etc can be the key to learning what it is that is attracting the energy stealing.
    Have you ever noticed that an energy vampire will often only be able to steal energy from one family member or person in a room or workplace?
    There may be a place in a person or a part of them that is vulnerable and needs attention to become strong. One cannot stay away from their child but can change the habitual workings of the relationship.
    A good therapist can help, but be aware that many therapists are also energy vampires, perhaps often because they have been drained dry by clients.
    When two people are energized while together alone, this is a good indicator that they have a healthy relationship. Spending time regularly with such people can strengthen ones healthy ways of interacting and can, with practice, spill over into other relationships.
    Above all remember always that your feelings are important! You matter! If you become completely drained by a child or other who will they turn to? It is a responsibility to teach our children healthy ways of receiving attention and energy.

  2. Jesse says:

    why do energy vampire come around us and take our energy…..Our souls Karma…..we reap what we sow…..Love the energy vampire…one day that will come back to us…….what we send out is what comes back to us….love your enemy…..love those who love you….never be negative towards anyone or thing…never will anyone or anything be negative towards you…..

    how old is the karma history of our souls???????

    I have drained others in past I know…. cruel of me…now I have a few around me teaching me my lesson….How else would we learn?

    We are the light…At that the dogs bite…forgetting they have a light within them self…. There is an infinite source of energy from God within….tap in ……Shine your light.

    One Love
    Jesse

  3. Christi says:

    Hello,
    I am currently in school for massage therapy and have just started to notice “bad energies”. I read the article on energy vampires and when giving a massage I can feel when I am working on a person like that. So this brings me to two situations I am puzzled on how to handle:
    Obviously as a massage therapist I will be picking up people’s energy all day long, do you have any tricks for visualization or things I can do in my treatment room to dispose of that bad energy so that I don’t hang onto it myself, or pass it on to my next client?

    My second problem is my husband. HE is a MAJOR energy vampire. There are times when I can’t massage him at all because I get really angry/anxious feelings and get so overwhelmed I want to cry and have to stop working on him. Its weird though because we do have a loving relationship and we can be intimate with each other and I don’t get those feelings, its only when I do bodywork on him. I saw the article on coping with Children who are energy vampires, would the suggestions be the same for a husband? I feel like I should be there for him when he needs to dump that energy. Its just so overwhelming I don’t know what to do with it once he starts unloading it all. And what do I do with it when I Unintentionally pick it up from him when doing bodywork?

    Thank you,
    Christi

  4. Dear Laurie (great name! :-)),

    Thanks for sharing about your mom — she sounds like a handful! Elderly parents can be even more difficult to deal with than.

    I’ve written a few articles that may help:

    When Nothing is Good Enough For Your Mom

    How to Help Elderly Parents Who Don’t Want Help

    How to Cope With Difficult Parents – for Adult Children

    I hope they help…let me know what you think!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  5. Laurie says:

    Thank you for the original article on energy vampires! It helped me know exactly what I was dealing with in the case of my mother….but just as with a child, it is hard to know what to do when a parent is an energy vampire. Worse, my mother is now 70 and is playing the old-age card for all it’s worth….she imposes on me, my sister who lives nearby (another sister and three brothers have all moved out of reach), my dad from whom she has been separated for two years (but won’t divorce so she can keep hitting him up for money), and now it’s moved on to the next generation…my sister’s college-age daughters are helping her with her store she refuses even to open for business most of the time, and even their boyfriends have been drafted to help move furniture and do other heavy chores for her. Of course, nothing is done HER way and is never good enough. (I should add that she is not suffering Alzheimer’s or any similar condition; she sees several doctors for heart conditions and diabetes and no one has even recommended she be evaluated for such.) What to do?

  6. Thanks for your comments. One of my friends doesn’t believe children can be “emotional energy vampires” — they’re just children!

    But what’s the difference between an adult who drains your energy, or a child who drains your energy? The child is someone you can’t just walk away from, like you can as an adult. Certain children require more time and energy – whether or not you call them energy vampires.

  7. Lisa says:

    I am glad to have happened by this vampire stuff. I am unfortunately experiencing injustice in court. It’s wild because I think I have been accused of this vampire thing but a completely dysfunctional justice system that allow’s child molesters to prevail over a good mom IS everyones problem and when all the people who should be helping wouldn’t I looked anywhere for help! Big mistake in this town! Whom ever is doing this to me KNOWS this town! Thanks for the info.

  8. madhu says:

    vampirism changes according to the situation.humans dont have any steady energy level, ithink.i deviates according to situation. a vampire to some body may be an energy giver to others. so,i think, its not humane to kick out a vampire from life, but try to resolve his problems using adequate therapies.in hinduism, i found that daily practicing yoga an worshipping the lord vishnu gives so much positive energy. chanting also gives very positive efect. if their is a temple nearby, without considering the religion, spending some time near by as routine will definitely cure an average vampire.

  9. Vicki says:

    Hi there,

    My ex is a negative, complaining, querulous pain in the butt, our kid has inherited his temperament so anger management is something that I’m working with her about. Yes, it’s draining, but no-where near as bad as he was (I was physically ill all of the time the last couple of years of our marriage, I got rid of him, got well, then the bastard came back!). To tell you the truth, though, do we do a certain amount of energy draining to ourselves if we pay too much attention to mass media? No news is good news, as they say and there are people who give their entire lives over to following the exploits of nasty politicians doing nasty things to other nasty politicians.

  10. ruby says:

    Mila, thank you for putting into words what I was thinking as well. How can a parent wash their hands of a 5-year old, or even a 16-year old child, as if he or she had nothing to do with that child’s mental and emotional state? I wholeheartedly agree that parents need to self-assess their performance and the family environment. In other words, parents need to *parent*. Our children depend on us to set the tone and the energy of the home environment. They depend on us from the day they are born for their sense of security and self-esteem. If things have gone wrong somewhere along the way, then parents really ought to do everything they can to help their child get back on track.

  11. Mila says:

    I don’t believe energy drain is a ‘special talent’ or ‘magical ability’; Energy Vampires aren’t “born” into the world, they aren’t X-men mutants.

    Drainage occurs when when some part of you has a desperate need for attention. What do drama queens and obnoxious, angry people have in common? They are self-centered and very unaware that they have the ability to change their situation.

    Auras shift constantly, according to our moods, thoughts and lifestyle; meaning that, what is generally called a “Vampiric Aura” is simply the manifestation of drainage (usually shows up a blood-red color) at the time of drainage, or constant drain.

    What I mean to say is, if you believe you are an Energy Vampire and have a “Vampiric Aura”, know that this is not a fixed situation that you cannot change. Self-examination is key, meditation is vital, and therapy may be a very useful tool.

    As for child “vampires”, I believe the parents should self-assess their performance as parents, and examine the family’s environment. Children pick up behaviors from all around them (especially parents), and if they feel in someway neglected or insecure, it’s time to find out why.

    All we are is pure love, remember that!

  12. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for sharing your insight about energy vampires and your own personality, ripley97. It sounds like you’ve learned something new about yourself — which will make you a better person.

  13. ripley97 says:

    I only recently realized that i am a energy vampire. My best friend came up to me and told me she thought i was an energy vampire and that i should look it up. it seemed very possible when i knew what it was, mostly because im very loud and people tend to only can be able to take me in small doses im very tired when alone, even now as i write this i am tired,goodbye and goodluck

  14. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Lissy,

    Thanks for your question — it’s a good one.

    Basically, an energy vampire leaves you feeling tired and depressed. An example of an energy vampire is a “drama queen”, who is always dealing with some major crisis. And, her (or his) major crises affect your life, your mood, and even your physical and emotional health. Energy vampires leave you feeling drained and listless because they drain your energy.

    On the other hand, people who are simply needy or dependent don’t necessarily leave you feeling depressed or exhausted. Needy or dependent people don’t “steal” your energy; they just need help.

    Maybe it’s a fine line between the two types of personalities. Or, maybe it’s a continuum: an energy vampire is on the “energy draining” end, while a needy person is on the “help me call and order a pizza” end, which is a little annoying but not energy draining.

    Dr Judith Orloff has written alot about energy vampires, and the different types of energy vampires. If you’d like, I can post a few links her to her articles.

    Hope this helps a little!

    Laurie

  15. Lissy says:

    Can someone please define for me exactly what an energy vampire is? All I know is it’s someone who drains your energy when you re around them, but as Laurie said, “Some people are exhausting to be around, and it’s not necessarily because they’re energy vampires. Sometimes people are simply needy or dependant.”, so that’s a pretty useless blanket meaning.

    So can anyone tell me? Email me or post a reply.

    Thanks!

    Lissy

  16. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for being here, Latoya! I’m glad you shared your story.

    Raising kids children who are energy vampires, who make you feel drained, tired, negative, or not good enough is so difficult.

    It’s good that your son lives with your mom, and you can take breaks fromt hem both. You set a boundary by only seeing him once a month, and that’s great. It’s better to limit or cut off contact with people – even if they’re your own family – than to stay in a painful, negative, destructive situation.

    Take care — and stay happy and positive!
    Laurie

  17. latoya says:

    I have sixteen year old son, and boy did I run up on the right thing tonight, because for the longest I didn’t know what this feeling was that I was having everytime he came around me. One minute I was happy and the next it felt like i was being stabbed with pin needles in my chest. and it got stronger and stronger the more he stayed around me.

    He live with my mom who is super negative and i can’t be in the same room with her. i hate my son and i relationship is like that but i have to decided to only see him once a month. because the pain is too bad, he never talks to me it is just his presence that is so scary to me.

  18. Laurie PK says:

    I’m very interested in energy vampires, especially in relation to children because it’s not discussed very often.

    I’m curious: you say you’re a “psychic or energy vampire”, which makes it sound like the same thing. Do you mean the traditional “psychic” (someone who can fortune tell), or do you mean “psychic vampire” (perhaps someone who drains psychic energy)?

    I totally agree that some people are exhausting to be around, and it’s not necessarily because they’re energy vampires. Sometimes people are simply needy or dependant.

    Maybe it’s like the introverts-extroverts scale: we’re all a combination of both introverted and extroverted personality traits — and maybe we all have a little bit of “energy vampire” in us. Some are on the “drain all your energy immediately!” end of the scale, while others are on the “give all your energy away immediately” end (which is what introverts do).

    Anyway, thanks for your comment – very interesting!

    Laurie

  19. Anonymous says:

    I actually am a psychic, or energy vampire. It’s really hard to explain exactly how I drain people’s energy. I’m not a very talkative person but I have what is known as a vampire aura. Very often I feel tired when I’m alone and then when I’m in school or hanging out with people I begin to feel more awake. A year or so ago (before my family and I discovered that I am a psi-vamp) I was on retreat with school and everyone gathered together for a school picture on the last day. I was actually overwhelmed by all the energy around me that I passed out from exhaustion because I was absorbing so many emotions and so many types of energy.
    Many psi/energy vampires are unaware of what we are capable of doing and they do it unconsciously. There are ways to protect yourself from an attack by a malignant energy vampire. One way is to imagine yourself surrounded by a shield of bright light. Also you should not assume someone is a psi/energy vampire just because they are exhausting to be around. There may actually be a psychological or physical reason behind it.

  20. lulu mossbargett says:

    one of my best guy freinds told me he was an energy vampire wich i had no clue what that was and i know now and every thing describes him we are only 11 and 12 yeas old and we talk to eachother every day and he bites his hands alot and me and my other freind had no clue why until now my other friend knoew this before i did and he gave me a website to go to and he told me hopefully this will explain everything.my guy freind idnt the best looking person but he really smart and funny.he is the class clown do doubt about it and now that i know about him i am kind of scared in a way but i dont think he has ever drained my spirits,yes i have been sad around him but usually before i got to him.he has also helped me with all my problems to.yes sometimes he doesnt really care about themthats why i am kind of concered though,he is a really and truely good friend to me and i just think you dont quite no a energy vampire until you acctually meet them.

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