How Do You Survive the Holidays After a Loved One Dies?

Written by on November 16, 2012 in Christmas Holiday Tips, Grief & Recovery Tips with 2 Comments
How Do You Survive the Holidays After a Loved One Dies

The holiday season is heartbreaking when you’re mourning the death of a loved one. (image by loveMaegan, flickr)

The holiday season can be heartbreaking when you’re mourning the death of a loved one.

How do you get out of bed – much less buy Christmas gifts, go to parties, and experience “the joy of the season” – after someone close to you dies?

When my grandma died, all I wanted to do was sleep. Sleep was an escape from the sadness, regrets, and loss. When I lost my sister, I collapsed into a wailing, inconsolable heap of tears. The pain of not having my loved ones nearby at Christmas will never go away, no matter how many years pass.

Time helps.



If you’ve recently lost a loved one, I encourage you to read books like How to Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies. You’ll see you’re not alone, and you may learn new ways to cope with death over the holiday season.

If working through your grief at Christmas seems impossibly painful, put it aside until the New Year. But don’t put aside your sadness and regrets for too long, for they will grow and become unmanageable.

Another book that may help is Hello from Heaven: A New Field of Research-After-Death Communication Confirms That Life and Love Are Eternal. Sometimes mourning is easier when you know your loved ones are with you in spirit, and that you’ll meet again someday.

4 Suggestions for Surviving the Holidays When You’re Mourning

If someone you know is struggling to survive the holidays after a loved one’s death, read 5 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend – From Practical to Emotional.

Remember that everyone grieves differently

Your sister, parent, partner, or co-worker may experience and express grief in different ways than you do – and they may even use coping strategies that bewilder and confuse you. For instance, some people grieve by talking about their loss, while others need time alone to process their grief. Some people refuse to celebrate Christmas because they’re in too much pain, while others literally set an empty chair at the holiday table to honor the loved one who has passed.

Experience Christmas in a different way

If your loved one recently died, you may not want to plan your usual holiday celebrations. Maybe it’s time to take a break from your tradition, and celebrate Christmas differently. Different ways to survive the holidays after a loved one dies include volunteering, traveling, or exploring your faith in a different way.

The Christmas before I got married, I volunteered at Easter Seals Camp Horizon in Bragg Creek, Alberta. It was the best Christmas I’ve experienced as an adult, because the campers where so happy, excited, and content with their lives. They were funny and interesting – they were adults with mental disabilities, and the campers I was assigned to were high functioning (it was my first Christmas as a volunteer).

Tell people you want to talk about your loved one

Death isn’t easy for people to talk about; they don’t want to remind you of your pain or prolong your mourning. The wisest advice I received on helping people survive the loss of a loved one was from a man who lost his 7 year old boy in a drowning accident. He said he wants people to ask him about his son, because talking about him keeps his memory alive. He feels closer to his son when he shares memories, and he wants people to remember his son, too.

Will talking about your loved one help you survive the Christmas season? Then tell people that you need to talk. Your friends and family may be reluctant to bring up the subject themselves, because they don’t want to “remind” you of your loss (but of course you’re almost always thinking about it, on some level!).

Hold on to your faith

In Surviving Christmas When You Lost Someone This Year, pastor Kim Martinez shares the story of Lazarus, Martha, and Jesus. “Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died,” said Martha.

“What does this mean for that shortened Christmas list and the hole in our heart?” writes Kim in her article about coping with death over the holidays. “It means that this is not the end, and that there is more to life than just now.  It also means that God understands real grief and wants to be a part of the process with us. Carol Kent write a book called XXX”A New Kind of Normal,” about adjusting to life after her son was convicted of murder.  When we lose someone we love, we have to find ‘a new kind of normal’  Christmas and other family holidays just aren’t the same.  We miss them.  God, however, remains the same, and He will be our stability as we adjust and find a new balance to live life from.”

What do you think? How will you survive the holidays after losing someone you love?

 

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  1. Laurie says:

    Hi Grady,

    Thanks for being here; it’s like running into an old friend when you pop up :-)

    When I wrote this article about surviving Christmas holidays after a loved one dies, I was also thinking about people who lost their pets recently. Only a fellow pet owner can understand the depth of the pain and sadness at the death of a dog or cat….and I hope this article helps.

  2. Grady Pruitt says:

    I almost didn’t recognize you with the new pic, Laurie! You look great! Love that smile!

    I haven’t yet had much difficulty with not having a loved one for the holidays (well, except one where my father was MIA) in part because their deaths happened well before the holidays, so I had time to adjust before hand. And there were a few holidays where we hadn’t been together, so it’s not like they were always there and then suddenly weren’t.

    Still, I do remember being a bit sad last year when I realized that my grandmother would not get to be with us for another Thanksgiving or Christmas. One thing that helped was using things that I had remembered her using at such times, such as some placemats that I have of hers. It helps to keep the memories close.

    Thanks for sharing these great tips!

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