Sep 032008
 
how to survive breaking up

Sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone when you’re surviving a break up.

If you think you can’t survive your breakup, you’re wrong. It will take time, but you will be happy again – because survival brings acceptance.

“From the first moment that you have the wind knocked out of you by hearing in one way or another that the relationship is over, you must ruthlessly prioritize doing as little as possible,” writes Delphine Hirsh in The Girls’ Guide to Surviving a Break-Up. “By that I mean you must accept that you are in shock and that you should expect nothing from yourself other than to keep breathing.”

If you’re still in shock over the breakup, give yourself time to heal. If you can’t seem to break free from the past, read Letting Go of Someone You Love — it offers 75 tips from psychologists, life coaches, and counselors.

And, use one or all ten of these ten tips for healing your broken heart…

10 Tips for Surviving When Your Relationship Ends

Sniff your way to happiness

Michelle Schoffro Cook, author of The Brain Wash, says, “Natural scents have a direct pathway to the brain and research shows that some chemical constituents of aromatherapy oils, particularly…sesquiterpenes can cross the blood-brain barrier and increase oxygen flow to the brain.” Extra oxygen in your brain increases energy, immune function, learning, attitude and positive emotions…all of which you need if your relationship ends!

Soak in classical, easy listening or rock ‘n roll music

Faster, major keys cool your brain, which lifts your mood and helps you stay happy after heartbreak. You know what songs work for you: find music from a different, happier era of your life. Don’t know what to listen to? Read The Best Songs for Broken Hearts.

If you don’t think listening to music will help you survive a breakup, try learning a new instrument.

Paint, arrange photographs, sculpt, or draw

Making art strengthens your sense of self and contributes to feelings of normalcy. Plus, it’s relaxing to focus on being creative — and it’ll help you survive a breakup by distracting you from your emotions. Creativity increases serotonin levels and reduces stress; it also improves blood pressure and heart rate. Anything artistic can help create you create a new identity and even let go of someone you love.

Skip the evening news – your relationship breakup is depressing enough

Ongoing exposure to depressing, negative information can make you paranoid, anxious and physically unhealthy – and the news will not keep you happy after heartbreak. Skipping the evening news will help you produce fewer stress-related hormones that contribute to high blood pressure, depression, digestive disorders, and a weaker immune system. The healthier you are, the faster you’ll survive the breakup and start over after your relationship ends.

Get a massage – it does more than alleviate sore muscles

To survive a breakup, make sure you get lots of healthy touch! Emotional struggles, such as depression and eating disorders, are positively affected by massage because it reduces the amount of cortisol in your system and promotes an overall sense of well-being. According to the Massage Therapy Association of Manitoba, “massage promotes elimination of waste products, improves flow of nutrients to body tissues, and increases circulation to all parts of the body.” The healthier and happier you feel, sooner you’ll break free from the past.

Imagine a bright, loving, hopeful future

Guided imagery involves three steps: 1) relaxing; 2) focusing on pain; 3) replacing painful feelings with healthy images. Visualizing what you want your future to look like can help you achieve your goals – and it floods your body with positive chemicals and feelings. Most physical, emotional and behavioural symptoms are affected by your thoughts and attitude; positive images can help when he says he doesn’t love you anymore.

Eat broccoli (a surprising way to survive a breakup!)

Eating nutritiously and taking care of your body is difficult when you’re in pain or grieving – but it’s when you’re down and out that your body needs nutrition the most. Avoid refined sugar, heavy meats, processed foods, and caffeine because they make you feel sluggish and tired, which will not help you survive a broken relationship – especially if you’ve split up with your partner. Eat fish, whole grains, raw nuts, seeds, beans, legumes, wild rice and of course plenty of fruits and vegetables.

Explore museums and solve crossword puzzles

Using your brain to get into the flow of an activity – whether it’s exploring an art gallery or solving a Sudoku puzzle – will help you escape the painful feelings and let go of someone you love (even if it’s just for a short time). When you’re focused on a puzzle or intellectual pursuit you’re not thinking about your pain or ex-partner. This tip for surviving a break up may even help you meet new people.

Dig into your spirituality – it increases optimism and positive feelings

Pursuing spirituality within a group (a church or synagogue, for instance) increases your social support system, coping skills, and self-image. Recently, researchers found that even people who pray online have fewer negative emotions and higher levels of well-being. If you’re surviving a breakup, try connecting to God or the universe. You’ll feel less fearful and anxious, which will improve your health and immune system.

Strive for balance (it’s the key to emotional and physical health)

If you’re frantically juggling personal, professional, volunteer and social activities, there’s no doubt that your emotional health will suffer and you’ll have a hard time surviving a breakup. Overdoing it can also include spending too much time alone watching tv, lying in bed, or snoozing. Balance means leaving work or volunteer duties to spend time with family and friends – or pulling away from family and friends to read, walk, or pursue a new hobby. When your relationship ends, you need to take care of yourself by adding balance to your life.

Sometimes writing about how you’re surviving your breakup can make you feel better, because writing is great therapy! Feel free to share your experience below.

 

Relationship Help

How to Get Your Ex Back

Stop the Divorce and Save Your Marriage

How to Captivate a Man and Make Him Fall in Love With You

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen - Christian, bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer, blogger, warrior princess. :-) My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

What's happening in your life? I welcome your big and little comments below! I can't give you advice, but writing might bring you clarity and insight.

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

In peace and passion...Laurie

  107 Responses to “10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup When Your Relationship Ends”

  1. Hi Trish,

    I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend ended your relationship…that’s really hard to take.

    The most important thing to remember is that love isn’t a competition. She’s not better than you, and you’re not better than her. You’re two different people, with different strengths and weaknesses. For some reason, your boyfriend finds her more appealing — but that doesn’t make her BETTER than you. It just means he and you aren’t meant to be together.

    I encourage you to think about your relationship. If it was solid and loving, then he wouldn’t have broken up with you….so rather than focusing on her or them, I think you’d be better off figuring out how you contributed to the best and worst parts of your relationship. Learn! Grow. Get some insight into your personality. What makes you a great girlfriend? What makes you a challenging girlfriend? Maybe you could build on your strengths and at least be aware of your weaknesses….you don’t have to change who you are. Just be open to your own foibles and quirks.

    I wrote this article for you — it has more tips for surviving a breakup — you just have to substitute the word “husband” for “boyfriend”!

    My Husband Left Me for Another Woman – 6 Breakup Survival Tips

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  2. Hi. My name is Trish. I was dating my boyfriend Max for two years. I spent four months away in another country and we decided we would be friends. Two weeks before I came back, he told me he wanted to be with me again and would be the best boyfriend ever. When I returned home I heard that he was “seeing” someone in my sorority. She is an acquaintance, but I still am with her a lot and know her well enough. I told him it was me or her and he choose me. We hung out for a few weeks and I told him he would have to prove himself because I don’t know if I can trust him after hearing he was with this girl in my sorority, Logan. I went to Florida with my family and Max was texting me the whole time, he said he wants to try and get back togehter. Two days later, He told me he was now offically dating Logan and that I should leave him alone. So I did just that, I left him alone. Three weeks later I ran into him and Logan. They were shocked to see me. Max texts me three days later telling me it was great to see him. Little did I know Logan was out of town for 10 days. Max begged to see me and he told me he was still in love with me and he missed me and that he was going to break up with Logan. Once Logan came back he never spoke to me and obviously he never broke up with her. Then he wanted to see me again because he did not want me to move on. He told me he would see me every day even though he has a girlfriend. When Logan was gone again for a weekend he contacted me. I told him I was with someone else (even though I am not) and he did not seem to care. Why did he tell me he loves me and would break up with her? Now they are all happy and IN LOVE. I am so upset because I dont want my boyfriend of 2 years to be dating this girl Logan. I feel like this girl beat me and I know I am better then her, it just makes me sad that he choose HER over ME.

    HELP!!!! what do you think?

  3. Dear Kelly,

    The interesting thing about your comment is that you didn’t mention anything good about your husband. Why are you staying with him? What are you getting from your relationship? All you mentioned were the negative parts — the reasons your relationship ended.

    So, my first suggestion is to figure out why you’re still with him — why you’re still in this unhappy, unsatisfactory relationship!

    My second suggestion is to decide what you want your marriage to look like. One home? Couples counseling so you communicate better? Less fighting? Make a list of things that make your marriage ideal. Then, make a sublist of things that achieve that goal. For instance, if you want one home, then outline the steps that will get you both living in one home — such as him moving in with you, which requires him to be on board. If he isn’t on board, then you can’t have your ideal relationship with him. If that’s the case, then maybe you need to be focusing on surviving the breakup and moving on!

    If you decide to end the relationship, you might find this article helpful:

    How to Stick to Your Decision to Leave Your Marriage

    If you’d like tips on building a better marriage, let me know! I’ve got those too….

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  4. Dear Dru,

    I’m so sorry I missed your comment until now. If you’re still checking back on this comments forum, please let me know how you are!

    Laurie

  5. Ive not done this before, I just don’t know where else to turn. I’ll try to keep it short…Was married 16 years this is the second time for separation. Once his choice but this time mine (at first). This time I was the one who had enough, I wanted out. I just knew “the grass was greener” anywhere else! Our 13yr old daughter(at time of sep) had begun to cut herself due to our fights. I found it out from a poem she had wrote. When I showed it to him he laughed. He laughed!!! Even though I had told him how serious this was. Ok, thats how it ended. That was 1 year 5 months ago. Still separated, but spending alot of time together. Really as though we are married and one big happy family, just 2 seperate homes! Problem, I want 1 home, he likes it “the way it is” as he puts it. If it gets to much like 1 home he pulls away and Im back feeling alone. The independant WOMAN says, “dont give more that I get and just DONT GIVE until I get what I want”. The other says I like it the same as he does. I enjoy my freedom also!! Back to the 2 homes. It is no longer financially happen (emotionally) either. I want a (MY) family and home, no more his or mine!! HELP WHAT DO I DO?! I HONESTLY DONT KNOW?!! I WILL TAKE ANY HELP I CAN GET!!!!!! PLEASE!

  6. I have been in a physical and emtional abusive relationship for off and on for five years. I feel I as much emtionally abusive at the end as he was. He put me in the hosptial twice during this time. He bruised my kidneys twice.
    I cannot seem to leave this person. When I do get away and things start going well for me he shows up. I suddenly stop my progress and go back to him. Now he is trying to break away and I am chasing after him no matter how bad he treats me.
    I feel like I am losing my mind. I can’t stop myself.

  7. Dear Annie,

    I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time surviving this breakup! That hardest part of when a relationship ends is often the first few weeks.

    It sounds like your weak spot is calling him at the end of the day. It’s like the habit of mindless snacking — most people eat more food at the end of the day, when they’re tired and unable to make good decisions! That’s you: you’re tired, lonely, and maybe even stressed at the end of the day, so you call your ex-boyfriend.

    I encourage you to do something different. Instead of calling him, make a pact with a friend that you’ll call her instead. Or, go to Pilates class, out for a walk, or for a bike ride. Instead of calling him, write in your journal or take a bubble bath. The idea is to distract yourself by doing something else — because you KNOW that calling him isn’t a good idea, and you KNOW you want to survive this breakup!

    You need to tap into your strength, courage, and wisdom. It’s there inside of you…….but you need to help yourself by using it to get over this relationship.

    Try that for 2 or 3 weeks — doing something you love to do instead of calling him — and let me know how it goes, okay?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  8. I had arelaionship for 2and a half years now.my boyfriend and me had many problems bt always sorted it out among ourselves until he went 2 pune 6 months back.after that he became a changed person givin me less or no time at all.he started ignorin my calls and get irritated whenever i asked him any questions.he kept sayin that it is necessary for our future but somehow i didnot believe him and realised that it is the end.today i m trying 2 get over him bt i cant.whatever i do i end up caling him at the end of the day and get insulted over and over again.i am suffering terribly.i cant sleep,nor do any work or talk normally to people.i tried hard 2 get back 2 normal life bt couldnt.please help me.

  9. Hi Amanda,

    Surviving a breakup and healing from a relationship that was four years long can take a long time, especially if you were happy with your boyfriend. It sounds like you and he were very connected and had been through a lot together…which of course makes letting go and moving on much more difficult.

    But, you can have fond memories and an attachment to someone who you just can’t be in a relationship with. You may even still love him a little…but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together, or that you’ll have a strong happy relationship.

    I’m glad you’re in a new relationship, and encourage you to focus on building a healthy connection with him. You might also consider seeing a counselor for a session or two, to get specific ideas for getting closure on your old relationship. Sometimes we just need to talk our feelings through with someone who is objective and supportive.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you find closure from your past relationship, and happiness in your new one!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  10. My former partner and I broke up after he was out of town and got into an orgy with other people. He called me the next morning with such hurt and regret and was willing to do anything to work things out. We had been together over 4 years and had planned a future together. I told him I needed space and time apart and to myself. He had been seriously depressed in our relationship for sometime after remembering previous childhood sexual abuse during a counseling session. After our breakup I know that he was at the lowest point in his life, and I felt that getting back together would not be good for either of us.
    It’s over 4 years later now, and by some circumstances we are in the same place again. We have both been away for 4 years.
    Just being back in the same environment, seeing mutual friends, I think of him a lot. I’ve tried so hard to work on closure but I can’t seem to get it. I have forgiven him for what he did completely. And I feel a little guilt for abandoning him during this low point in his life, but because his actions hurt me I knew I needed to make my own space and be selfish for awhile.
    I am in a long distance relationship now. It hasn’t been an easy one, but I have been able to imagine myself with this person as a future partner. It is further complicated by not being able to be in the same place as we are US-Canadian couple. I am not ready to give up on this new relationship as I think there is real potential there but my heart and mind are in such confusion. I want to see my former boyfriend to gain closure, but I also find myself daydreaming of being happy in a relationship with him again.
    I never would have thought healing from this relationship would take just as long as the relationship itself?!!!

  11. Dear Jamie,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. He’s wrong when he says that it doesn’t matter that he texts and emails other women…that IS a form of cheating, and it is harmful for your relationship.

    Yes, I believe people and patterns can change…but only if they see the problem and if they want to change. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand how much his contact with other women hurts your relationship, then he won’t be motivated to change. And if he’s not motivated, then change is awfully difficult.

    I think you know that you shouldn’t be with him, but you’re heartbroken that your relationship ended. You don’t want to be alone, he’s wonderful in so many ways, you love him, and maybe it’ll be a long time before you love like this again. I totally understand that…but I encourage you not to settle for second best. He’s not treating you with love and respect, and you deserve a man who does.

    So, I encourage you to survive this break up by focusing on the type of relationship and man you want. Grieve this loss, and focus on the future. You WILL love and laugh again, and you will wonder why it took you so long to let go of a man who wouldn’t let go of his past girlfriends.

    I hope you heal quickly — let me know how things are going in a few weeks!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  12. I am struggling so badly. I dated a wonderful – well in most ways – man since April. He spends his time with me – but cheats thru texting and email to other women. I have broken it off several times, but always ended up going back. We always broke up over his unwillingness to give up contact with former girlfriends. He thinks because he spends time with me – the other doesn’t matter. I know in my heart it does – but I love him with all my heart. I recently broke it off again, but am dying of a broken heart right now. Can patterns like his ever change? He says he loves me. My head and heart are in such conflict.

  13. Thanks for the advice Laurie. My guilt is more of me failing to be there with all my heart and I don’t like to fail. I guess it really pains me because we kept in touch and now when I want to move on it complicates matters. I am trying not to talk to her as I used to and I know she likes to hear talk to me and likes that I listen to her concerns/worries. Having her in my life and my new girlfriend is NOT good since I just get reminded of the good times and bad times, and the failures of our relationship. I am trying to give 100% of a happy me to my new girlfriend. I know I have to let go and not talk to her anymore, for the sake of my new relationship (of which I am very happy about).

    Once again thanks for the advice. It really helps to hear your thoughts.

  14. Hi Raven,

    There’s nothing wrong with you, my friend. You’re a normal person who loved and lost. It’s HARD to survive a breakup, to let go of someone you love. And, it’s difficult to be a nice guy and feel like you’re turning your back on someone you once cared about.

    My husband felt similarly about his ex-girlfriend, but he eventually had to let her go completely in order for us to build a strong marriage. It’s sad, and difficult, but it’s usually the best thing for new love relationships (unless you have kids together, in which you just learn to blend the past with the present).

    Regarding your feelings of guilt: guilt is only appropriate when you’ve done something wrong. Did you do something wrong in your prior relationship? If so, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. But remember, breaking up with someone is not something to feel guilty about. Not doing your best in a relationship isn’t something to feel guilty about. Maybe you made mistakes, but you need to forgive yourself and move forward.

    If you’re really struggling, I suggest seeing a counselor. An objective person can help you sort through your appropriate feelings of loss and sadness, and your possibly inappropriate feelings of guilt or responsibility.

    My final thought is to learn how to let go of someone you love. Here’s a link to an article on letting go of someone you love — it’s one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips, which shows how common and normal your feelings are!

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    I hope this helps a little, and invite you to update me anytime!

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  15. this one helped me. thanks so much..

  16. What is wrong with me? I was in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years. The last year was very hard on her and me. I feel guilty for not being able to be there for her 100% and truly let my love for her overcome things that bothered and concerned me. She has health problems, was unemployed for over 1.5 years, had problems finding a job in her field, difficult family health issues too and relationship issues with her mom/sibling. I didn’t have any of that in my life prior to her and it took over 9 months before she even had me visit her at her apartment (guess she was afraid of a new guy in her life). I felt guilty because I couldn’t see beyond the negative or be there for her with all her troubles. I know there were great times we shared together but I just feared the future with all the issues. Especially if we had kids and she continuing to have health issues.

    Well we kept talking daily for a long time afterwards. I guess we didn’t want to let go and I was trying to still be there as her friend. We still had feeling for each other and it reared its head when we would just go out to hang out for dinner. It put us in an awkward situation when we talked about it but we didn’t really didn’t let it go on further than that but as you know it’s awkward the next morning.

    I guess talking was not good because I hurt her when she found out I had moved on partially. I haven’t really had a girlfriend since her. But now I met somebody and do like her but I didn’t know how to let the other know or even stop talking to her. Guess I was so used to having an ear to listen to me and the fact she was somebody I did really care/love. Over the past months I have tried to ween myself from talking to her. I feel GUILTY for not being there for her now, she still has her issues and I guess feels that I am one of the few people (non-family or female) that truly knows her physical issues. It tears at me and at the same time I want to give and put my energies to the new woman in my life. I talked to my new girl once about my ex and she was hurt a little when I would bring her up on her struggles and me wanting to help.

    It has been so long since we were a couple and I guess talking was the not good. Now I am just looking for advice. What is wrong with me? I want to be a nice guy and help all, that is how I was raised. BUT it hurts that I can’t go forward and give 100% to my new life. Why can’t I let go? I hate feeling guilty? I know I was not perfect and I know LOVE should be everything about a relationship but I just was not strong enough to overlook or not let the negativity get to me.

  17. Thanks, Laurie.

  18. Hi Kyle,

    Is it possible for you to get a different job? It sounds like there’s alot of complications with this woman in your office — especially now that your reputation is on the line at work! This isn’t just about surviving a breakup; it could affect your career.

    One of my thoughts is to find a way to re-establish your reputation at work. But you’ve mentioned that your friends say to let it go, and since they have more details than I, I’m wondering if that isn’t a better route? I don’t know — and I can’t give advice like that. But, I do suggest you consider finding a different job.

    Getting revenge will backfire. It won’t work in the long run, professionally or personally. Your friends are right about that.

    But, setting the record straight so your career doesn’t suffer is something to consider.

    And regarding her being with other men and your relationship being over with her: one of the best ways to survive a breakup is to avoid seeing the person. It’s difficult to heal and move on when you see each other every day. And since you aren’t bound together by children, you don’t necessarily need to see each other now that the relationship is over!

    This, too, leads me to suggest finding a new job. I know that it may not be easy and there’s all sorts of complications I’m aware of, but living and working in the pain you’re in certainly isn’t easy either.

    That’s all I have, my friend. I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best. Feel free to update me anytime…and don’t forget my first suggestion, about getting a counselor’s advice in person. That may help you more than you know.

    Laurie

  19. Well, the truth of the matter is, i can’t even talk to her…because she is part of the office staff, and talking to her may just blow everything into proportions. I did try to clarify things (after the getting hurt part of the story), but she ended up not talking to me. My friends say i shouldn’t have done anything because i looked like a defenseless schmuck. But I did it with all heart even if she had hurt me so bad. She falsely accused me of doing something bad within the office and it’s not even true. Heaven knows her whole department already knows about it, but it’s frustrating that it’s not true. Y’see, I fell in love, I got hurt, and now she thinks I’m such an a-hole, the story does not make sense. My friends say that she’s just trying to cover up her guilt. My friends say to let it go because it’s going to come around and back to her eventually. That’s why I still feel angry and want my revenge. My reputation is also on the line in the office.

    Please help. Imagine being accused of something you didn’t do by somebody who hurt you just a few days back. It was very cunning of her to turn things around, but twisted, too. I don’t think i deserve it. I still feel angry, sad and lost at the same time…but I know I cannot have the relationship again because she is out there exploring other men, if you know what i mean…I am still hurting. Please help…

  20. Hi Zuri,

    I suggest just being friends with him, and not pressuring him to get back together. He’s probably confused and hurt — you broke up with him 2 weeks ago, and now you want to get back together? That’s difficult for someone to deal with! He may be wondering if you’ll do it again, if he can trust you, and if he’ll get his heart broken again. That’s why he’s saying he’s moved on — he’s protecting himself.

    Accept his offer of friendship. Spend time with him, and let the romantic chemistry you had before do its work. If you’re meant to be together again, it’ll happen naturally. He knows you want to get back together, so don’t pressure him or chase him.

    Also, remember that we often want what we can’t have! Do you want to get back together with him because you genuinely love him, or because you don’t have him anymore? Just something to think about.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  21. Hi Kyle,

    I’m sorry you’re having so many problems with your girlfriend — it doesn’t sound like you need help surviving a breakup, it sounds like you need help forgiving her and moving on!

    Getting back at her won’t help you build a healthy, happy love relationship. If you want to stay with her, you need to forgive her, accept her apology, and move on without being suspicious. If you can’t do that, then you might need to let her go. I don’t think you can do both: feel angry every day and get back at her, and build a happy relationship at the same time.

    It sounds like you’re very confused about her actions and her intentions. I suggest telling her how much her actions hurt you, and how difficult it is for you to move on and forget about it. Talking about it with her might help you forgive her.

    If you need help dealing with your anger and confusion, I suggest talking to a counselor or someone you trust. Figure out why it’s so difficult to forgive her, and what your best next steps are with her are (such as trying to forgive and forget, or breaking up for good).

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  22. Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago I have tried getting him back but he said he moved on. I want him back and want to work on our relationship. I took him for granted and now that he is gone I realive that. I love him but he wants to be friend what should I do?

  23. i just broke up with a girl, who i found out was a nympho, and had seen her with someone else….i confronted her about it and went through the whole drama episode…she genuinely said sorry…the next day she comes up with an issue that I did something bad during our relationship, and now she’s angry at me….though, i have not done anything wrong, i feel that i have to get back at her with a vengeance…i still feel angry everyday…did she concoct this just to get rid of her guilt? this doesn’t make sense…what should i do…should i get back at her?

  24. I’ve known him for 6 years.All of high school and nearly 2 years of college.
    He was my first love and I guess I never really got a chance to let go.

    He wasn’t a very good person to me. Cheating on me with everyone, including my friends, drug and alcohol dependence, and just the fact that he lies to me all too easily.

    But in the last year he’s really turned a new leaf, at least it seems like it. I just can’t see a way to let go. I really just want to be happy with someone who can treat me like I deserve to be treated. But whenever I meet a really good guy it always goes into my mind how my old lover knows me so much better.

    How can I even begin to let go? I know this relationship isn’t what I want my life to be. Everytime I want to leave, I just feel like I might’ve left my soulmate that I know so well.

    I know we’re pretty codependent on one another I just don’t know how to change it.

    Thanks,
    Cassandra

  25. Thanks for your comment, Peggy — and for re-introducing me to the word “frenemy”! I’d heard it before, but totally forgot about it.

    Hmmm…now there’s an article idea…how to cope with frenemies….

  26. Laurie – Your answer did help. I think I have not wanted to realize there could be professional jealousy. There have been little things said here and there. I have just learned about a new word: “frenemy” and I think sadly that I am experiencing this dynamic. It is the hardest saddest thing I have been through in a long time. But your words helped me. I will read your other article as well. Thanks for being there.
    Peggy.

  27. Hi Robert,

    I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out with your girlfriend — even bad relationships are difficult to survive!

    Surviving a breakup takes time, and it’s choice you have to make every day. Before you know it, you won’t have to choose to survive anymore; you’ll find you’ve just stopped thinking about her. Trust me, it WILL happen…it just takes time. Soon, you’ll be so grateful that she’s out of your life.

    Have you read my article “How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice”, here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals? If not, I suggest you read it — it might help. Plus, a reader just made a comment on that article a few minutes ago about surviving codependent relationships — right now, it’s the last comment on “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”, and it was by Robin. September 14.

    Here’s the live link to the article:

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice

    I hope that article helps — it’s all about letting go and moving on with life. And, you’ll see you’re not alone; that is my most popular article on this website!

    Read it, and let me know if anything in there might help. Also…remember that the most important tip for surviving a breakup is TIME. Time often heals wounds we never thought we’d recover from.

    Warm regards,
    Laurie

  28. Hi Laurie,
    How do you forget a bad girlfriend? not a day goes by that I don’t think of her..i keep myself occupied with things to do but still she gets in my head. help in making her go away from my mind, please. been a few months now that we’re done.

  29. Hi Peggy,

    Welcome to Quips & Tips; I’m sorry it’s a sad event that brought you here, but am glad you found me!

    I’ve experienced the same explicable loss of a friendship, and so wrote an article called Overcoming the Unexpected Breakup of a Relationship on See Jane Soar. Just click on the article title (it’s blue, but you can barely see it), and it should take you right there.

    After doing a brief Google search on the end of friendships and maintaining professional ties, I didn’t find much. Maybe that’s another article I should write! :-)

    I suggest you remain polite and friendly. I wouldn’t bring up the friendship when you’re interacting professionally with her, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong that you asked why the friendship ended! Since she can’t or won’t tell you, you might just need to let it go. It sounds a little odd — very confusing. I imagine you feel helpless, confused, and frustrated.

    I also suggest you remain open to the idea that there are things going on that you have no idea about. Think outside the box: she could be terminally ill, she could be jealous of you, there could be professional reasons she’s cutting ties, or her husband or family could resent your friendship. We could go on ad nauseam about all the possible reasons — but it won’t get you anywhere! The bottom line is that it might help you to remain open to the idea that ANYTHING is possible…..her leaving the friendship doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with you, or that you did something wrong.

    Lastly, I’d like to pull a Dr Laura and ask you to revisit your statement that you had no clue that anything was wrong. Usually, there are some red flags — not always, but usually. Sometimes people are great pretenders and won’t admit to anything being wrong, and then they just snap and call the whole thing off. This could be her, or you may be unwilling to accept the warning signs. I don’t know — I’m just giving you something to chew on!

    I hope this has helped a little, and welcome your thoughts and questions on this or any other topic.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  30. Laurie – I am relieved to find your articles. Can you point me to any thing else I can read to somehow cope with and get over the inexplicable loss of a very close and intimate friendship when there was no clue in any way that anything was wrong. Asking for clarification and trying to increase communication has only resulted in more hurt. It is confounded by the fact that there is a professional connection which is likely to have to continue for quite some time. Thank you in advance for any comments you might have.