Surviving a Breakup – 10 Tips for Moving On When Your Relationship Ends
How Do You Survive a Breakup?
If you think you can’t survive your breakup, you’re wrong. It may take a few months, but you will become a better, happier, more confident person with these creative ways to move on when your relationship ends.
“From the first moment that you have the wind knocked out of you by hearing in one way or another that the relationship is over, you must ruthlessly prioritize doing as little as possible,” writes Delphine Hirsh in The Girls’ Guide to Surviving a Break-Up. “By that I mean you must accept that you are in shock and that you should expect nothing from yourself other than to keep breathing.”
If you’re still in shock over the breakup, give yourself time to heal. If you can’t seem to break free from the past, read Letting Go of Someone You Love — it offers 75 tips from psychologists, life coaches, and counselors.
And, use one or all ten of these ten tips for healing your broken heart…
10 Creative Ways to Survive a Breakup
Sniff your way to happiness
Michelle Schoffro Cook, author of The Brain Wash, says, “Natural scents have a direct pathway to the brain and research shows that some chemical constituents of aromatherapy oils, particularly…sesquiterpenes can cross the blood-brain barrier and increase oxygen flow to the brain.” Extra oxygen in your brain increases energy, immune function, learning, attitude and positive emotions…all of which you need if your relationship ends!
Soak in classical, easy listening or rock ‘n roll music
Faster, major keys cool your brain, which lifts your mood and helps you stay happy after heartbreak. You know what songs work for you: find music from a different, happier era of your life. Don’t know what to listen to? Read The Best Songs for Broken Hearts.
Paint, arrange photographs, sculpt, or draw
Making art strengthens your sense of self and contributes to feelings of normalcy. Plus, it’s relaxing to focus on being creative — and it’ll help you survive a breakup by distracting you from your emotions. Creativity increases serotonin levels and reduces stress; it also improves blood pressure and heart rate. Anything artistic can help create you create a new identity and even let go of someone you love.
Skip the evening news – your relationship breakup is depressing enough
Ongoing exposure to depressing, negative information can make you paranoid, anxious and physically unhealthy – and the news will not keep you happy after heartbreak. Skipping the evening news will help you produce fewer stress-related hormones that contribute to high blood pressure, depression, digestive disorders, and a weaker immune system. The healthier you are, the faster you’ll heal after a break up.
Get a massage – it does more than alleviate sore muscles
To survive a breakup, make sure you get lots of healthy touch! Emotional struggles, such as depression and eating disorders, are positively affected by massage because it reduces the amount of cortisol in your system and promotes an overall sense of well-being. According to the Massage Therapy Association of Manitoba, “massage promotes elimination of waste products, improves flow of nutrients to body tissues, and increases circulation to all parts of the body.” The healthier and happier you feel, sooner you’ll survive when your relationship ends.
Imagine a bright, loving, hopeful future
Guided imagery involves three steps: 1) relaxing; 2) focusing on pain; 3) replacing painful feelings with healthy images. Visualizing what you want your future to look like can help you achieve your goals – and it floods your body with positive chemicals and feelings. Most physical, emotional and behavioural symptoms are affected by your thoughts and attitude; positive images can help you survive a breakup.
Eat broccoli (a surprising way to survive a breakup!)
Eating nutritiously and taking care of your body is difficult when you’re in pain or grieving – but it’s when you’re down and out that your body needs nutrition the most. Avoid refined sugar, heavy meats, processed foods, and caffeine because they make you feel sluggish and tired, which will not help you survive a broken relationship – especially if you’ve split up with your partner. Eat fish, whole grains, raw nuts, seeds, beans, legumes, wild rice and of course plenty of fruits and vegetables.
Explore museums and solve crossword puzzles
Using your brain to get into the flow of an activity – whether it’s exploring an art gallery or solving a Sudoku puzzle – will help you escape the painful feelings and let go of someone you love (even if it’s just for a short time). When you’re focused on a puzzle or intellectual pursuit you’re not thinking about your pain or ex-partner. This tip for surviving a break up may even help you meet new people…
Dig into your spirituality – it increases optimism and positive feelings
Pursuing spirituality within a group (a church or synagogue, for instance) increases your social support system, coping skills, and self-image. Recently, researchers found that even people who pray online have fewer negative emotions and higher levels of well-being. If you’re surviving a breakup, try connecting to God or the universe. You’ll feel less fearful and anxious, which will improve your health and immune system.
Strive for balance (it’s the key to emotional and physical health)
If you’re frantically juggling personal, professional, volunteer and social activities, there’s no doubt that your emotional health will suffer and you’ll have a hard time surviving a breakup. Overdoing it can also include spending too much time alone watching tv, lying in bed, or snoozing. Balance means leaving work or volunteer duties to spend time with family and friends – or pulling away from family and friends to read, walk, or pursue a new hobby. When your relationship ends, you need to take care of yourself by adding balance to your life.
Want to get him back? The Magic of Making Up is a gentle way to approach your ex.
If you want to pull all the punches, read How to Get Your Ex Back.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips
Dear Jamie,
I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. He’s wrong when he says that it doesn’t matter that he texts and emails other women…that IS a form of cheating, and it is harmful for your relationship.
Yes, I believe people and patterns can change…but only if they see the problem and if they want to change. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand how much his contact with other women hurts your relationship, then he won’t be motivated to change. And if he’s not motivated, then change is awfully difficult.
I think you know that you shouldn’t be with him, but you’re heartbroken that your relationship ended. You don’t want to be alone, he’s wonderful in so many ways, you love him, and maybe it’ll be a long time before you love like this again. I totally understand that…but I encourage you not to settle for second best. He’s not treating you with love and respect, and you deserve a man who does.
So, I encourage you to survive this break up by focusing on the type of relationship and man you want. Grieve this loss, and focus on the future. You WILL love and laugh again, and you will wonder why it took you so long to let go of a man who wouldn’t let go of his past girlfriends.
I hope you heal quickly — let me know how things are going in a few weeks!
Blessings,
Laurie
I am struggling so badly. I dated a wonderful – well in most ways – man since April. He spends his time with me – but cheats thru texting and email to other women. I have broken it off several times, but always ended up going back. We always broke up over his unwillingness to give up contact with former girlfriends. He thinks because he spends time with me – the other doesn’t matter. I know in my heart it does – but I love him with all my heart. I recently broke it off again, but am dying of a broken heart right now. Can patterns like his ever change? He says he loves me. My head and heart are in such conflict.
Thanks for the advice Laurie. My guilt is more of me failing to be there with all my heart and I don’t like to fail. I guess it really pains me because we kept in touch and now when I want to move on it complicates matters. I am trying not to talk to her as I used to and I know she likes to hear talk to me and likes that I listen to her concerns/worries. Having her in my life and my new girlfriend is NOT good since I just get reminded of the good times and bad times, and the failures of our relationship. I am trying to give 100% of a happy me to my new girlfriend. I know I have to let go and not talk to her anymore, for the sake of my new relationship (of which I am very happy about).
Once again thanks for the advice. It really helps to hear your thoughts.
Hi Raven,
There’s nothing wrong with you, my friend. You’re a normal person who loved and lost. It’s HARD to survive a breakup, to let go of someone you love. And, it’s difficult to be a nice guy and feel like you’re turning your back on someone you once cared about.
My husband felt similarly about his ex-girlfriend, but he eventually had to let her go completely in order for us to build a strong marriage. It’s sad, and difficult, but it’s usually the best thing for new love relationships (unless you have kids together, in which you just learn to blend the past with the present).
Regarding your feelings of guilt: guilt is only appropriate when you’ve done something wrong. Did you do something wrong in your prior relationship? If so, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. But remember, breaking up with someone is not something to feel guilty about. Not doing your best in a relationship isn’t something to feel guilty about. Maybe you made mistakes, but you need to forgive yourself and move forward.
If you’re really struggling, I suggest seeing a counselor. An objective person can help you sort through your appropriate feelings of loss and sadness, and your possibly inappropriate feelings of guilt or responsibility.
My final thought is to learn how to let go of someone you love. Here’s a link to an article on letting go of someone you love — it’s one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips, which shows how common and normal your feelings are!
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
I hope this helps a little, and invite you to update me anytime!
Best wishes,
Laurie
this one helped me. thanks so much..
What is wrong with me? I was in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years. The last year was very hard on her and me. I feel guilty for not being able to be there for her 100% and truly let my love for her overcome things that bothered and concerned me. She has health problems, was unemployed for over 1.5 years, had problems finding a job in her field, difficult family health issues too and relationship issues with her mom/sibling. I didn’t have any of that in my life prior to her and it took over 9 months before she even had me visit her at her apartment (guess she was afraid of a new guy in her life). I felt guilty because I couldn’t see beyond the negative or be there for her with all her troubles. I know there were great times we shared together but I just feared the future with all the issues. Especially if we had kids and she continuing to have health issues.
Well we kept talking daily for a long time afterwards. I guess we didn’t want to let go and I was trying to still be there as her friend. We still had feeling for each other and it reared its head when we would just go out to hang out for dinner. It put us in an awkward situation when we talked about it but we didn’t really didn’t let it go on further than that but as you know it’s awkward the next morning.
I guess talking was not good because I hurt her when she found out I had moved on partially. I haven’t really had a girlfriend since her. But now I met somebody and do like her but I didn’t know how to let the other know or even stop talking to her. Guess I was so used to having an ear to listen to me and the fact she was somebody I did really care/love. Over the past months I have tried to ween myself from talking to her. I feel GUILTY for not being there for her now, she still has her issues and I guess feels that I am one of the few people (non-family or female) that truly knows her physical issues. It tears at me and at the same time I want to give and put my energies to the new woman in my life. I talked to my new girl once about my ex and she was hurt a little when I would bring her up on her struggles and me wanting to help.
It has been so long since we were a couple and I guess talking was the not good. Now I am just looking for advice. What is wrong with me? I want to be a nice guy and help all, that is how I was raised. BUT it hurts that I can’t go forward and give 100% to my new life. Why can’t I let go? I hate feeling guilty? I know I was not perfect and I know LOVE should be everything about a relationship but I just was not strong enough to overlook or not let the negativity get to me.
Thanks, Laurie.
Hi Kyle,
Is it possible for you to get a different job? It sounds like there’s alot of complications with this woman in your office — especially now that your reputation is on the line at work! This isn’t just about surviving a breakup; it could affect your career.
One of my thoughts is to find a way to re-establish your reputation at work. But you’ve mentioned that your friends say to let it go, and since they have more details than I, I’m wondering if that isn’t a better route? I don’t know — and I can’t give advice like that. But, I do suggest you consider finding a different job.
Getting revenge will backfire. It won’t work in the long run, professionally or personally. Your friends are right about that.
But, setting the record straight so your career doesn’t suffer is something to consider.
And regarding her being with other men and your relationship being over with her: one of the best ways to survive a breakup is to avoid seeing the person. It’s difficult to heal and move on when you see each other every day. And since you aren’t bound together by children, you don’t necessarily need to see each other now that the relationship is over!
This, too, leads me to suggest finding a new job. I know that it may not be easy and there’s all sorts of complications I’m aware of, but living and working in the pain you’re in certainly isn’t easy either.
That’s all I have, my friend. I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best. Feel free to update me anytime…and don’t forget my first suggestion, about getting a counselor’s advice in person. That may help you more than you know.
Laurie
Well, the truth of the matter is, i can’t even talk to her…because she is part of the office staff, and talking to her may just blow everything into proportions. I did try to clarify things (after the getting hurt part of the story), but she ended up not talking to me. My friends say i shouldn’t have done anything because i looked like a defenseless schmuck. But I did it with all heart even if she had hurt me so bad. She falsely accused me of doing something bad within the office and it’s not even true. Heaven knows her whole department already knows about it, but it’s frustrating that it’s not true. Y’see, I fell in love, I got hurt, and now she thinks I’m such an a-hole, the story does not make sense. My friends say that she’s just trying to cover up her guilt. My friends say to let it go because it’s going to come around and back to her eventually. That’s why I still feel angry and want my revenge. My reputation is also on the line in the office.
Please help. Imagine being accused of something you didn’t do by somebody who hurt you just a few days back. It was very cunning of her to turn things around, but twisted, too. I don’t think i deserve it. I still feel angry, sad and lost at the same time…but I know I cannot have the relationship again because she is out there exploring other men, if you know what i mean…I am still hurting. Please help…
Hi Zuri,
I suggest just being friends with him, and not pressuring him to get back together. He’s probably confused and hurt — you broke up with him 2 weeks ago, and now you want to get back together? That’s difficult for someone to deal with! He may be wondering if you’ll do it again, if he can trust you, and if he’ll get his heart broken again. That’s why he’s saying he’s moved on — he’s protecting himself.
Accept his offer of friendship. Spend time with him, and let the romantic chemistry you had before do its work. If you’re meant to be together again, it’ll happen naturally. He knows you want to get back together, so don’t pressure him or chase him.
Also, remember that we often want what we can’t have! Do you want to get back together with him because you genuinely love him, or because you don’t have him anymore? Just something to think about.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi Kyle,
I’m sorry you’re having so many problems with your girlfriend — it doesn’t sound like you need help surviving a breakup, it sounds like you need help forgiving her and moving on!
Getting back at her won’t help you build a healthy, happy love relationship. If you want to stay with her, you need to forgive her, accept her apology, and move on without being suspicious. If you can’t do that, then you might need to let her go. I don’t think you can do both: feel angry every day and get back at her, and build a happy relationship at the same time.
It sounds like you’re very confused about her actions and her intentions. I suggest telling her how much her actions hurt you, and how difficult it is for you to move on and forget about it. Talking about it with her might help you forgive her.
If you need help dealing with your anger and confusion, I suggest talking to a counselor or someone you trust. Figure out why it’s so difficult to forgive her, and what your best next steps are with her are (such as trying to forgive and forget, or breaking up for good).
Best wishes,
Laurie
Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago I have tried getting him back but he said he moved on. I want him back and want to work on our relationship. I took him for granted and now that he is gone I realive that. I love him but he wants to be friend what should I do?
i just broke up with a girl, who i found out was a nympho, and had seen her with someone else….i confronted her about it and went through the whole drama episode…she genuinely said sorry…the next day she comes up with an issue that I did something bad during our relationship, and now she’s angry at me….though, i have not done anything wrong, i feel that i have to get back at her with a vengeance…i still feel angry everyday…did she concoct this just to get rid of her guilt? this doesn’t make sense…what should i do…should i get back at her?
I’ve known him for 6 years.All of high school and nearly 2 years of college.
He was my first love and I guess I never really got a chance to let go.
He wasn’t a very good person to me. Cheating on me with everyone, including my friends, drug and alcohol dependence, and just the fact that he lies to me all too easily.
But in the last year he’s really turned a new leaf, at least it seems like it. I just can’t see a way to let go. I really just want to be happy with someone who can treat me like I deserve to be treated. But whenever I meet a really good guy it always goes into my mind how my old lover knows me so much better.
How can I even begin to let go? I know this relationship isn’t what I want my life to be. Everytime I want to leave, I just feel like I might’ve left my soulmate that I know so well.
I know we’re pretty codependent on one another I just don’t know how to change it.
Thanks,
Cassandra
Thanks for your comment, Peggy — and for re-introducing me to the word “frenemy”! I’d heard it before, but totally forgot about it.
Hmmm…now there’s an article idea…how to cope with frenemies….
Laurie – Your answer did help. I think I have not wanted to realize there could be professional jealousy. There have been little things said here and there. I have just learned about a new word: “frenemy” and I think sadly that I am experiencing this dynamic. It is the hardest saddest thing I have been through in a long time. But your words helped me. I will read your other article as well. Thanks for being there.
Peggy.
Hi Robert,
I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out with your girlfriend — even bad relationships are difficult to survive!
Surviving a breakup takes time, and it’s choice you have to make every day. Before you know it, you won’t have to choose to survive anymore; you’ll find you’ve just stopped thinking about her. Trust me, it WILL happen…it just takes time. Soon, you’ll be so grateful that she’s out of your life.
Have you read my article “How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice”, here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals? If not, I suggest you read it — it might help. Plus, a reader just made a comment on that article a few minutes ago about surviving codependent relationships — right now, it’s the last comment on “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”, and it was by Robin. September 14.
Here’s the live link to the article:
How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice
I hope that article helps — it’s all about letting go and moving on with life. And, you’ll see you’re not alone; that is my most popular article on this website!
Read it, and let me know if anything in there might help. Also…remember that the most important tip for surviving a breakup is TIME. Time often heals wounds we never thought we’d recover from.
Warm regards,
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
How do you forget a bad girlfriend? not a day goes by that I don’t think of her..i keep myself occupied with things to do but still she gets in my head. help in making her go away from my mind, please. been a few months now that we’re done.
Hi Peggy,
Welcome to Quips & Tips; I’m sorry it’s a sad event that brought you here, but am glad you found me!
I’ve experienced the same explicable loss of a friendship, and so wrote an article called Overcoming the Unexpected Breakup of a Relationship on See Jane Soar. Just click on the article title (it’s blue, but you can barely see it), and it should take you right there.
After doing a brief Google search on the end of friendships and maintaining professional ties, I didn’t find much. Maybe that’s another article I should write!
I suggest you remain polite and friendly. I wouldn’t bring up the friendship when you’re interacting professionally with her, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong that you asked why the friendship ended! Since she can’t or won’t tell you, you might just need to let it go. It sounds a little odd — very confusing. I imagine you feel helpless, confused, and frustrated.
I also suggest you remain open to the idea that there are things going on that you have no idea about. Think outside the box: she could be terminally ill, she could be jealous of you, there could be professional reasons she’s cutting ties, or her husband or family could resent your friendship. We could go on ad nauseam about all the possible reasons — but it won’t get you anywhere! The bottom line is that it might help you to remain open to the idea that ANYTHING is possible…..her leaving the friendship doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with you, or that you did something wrong.
Lastly, I’d like to pull a Dr Laura and ask you to revisit your statement that you had no clue that anything was wrong. Usually, there are some red flags — not always, but usually. Sometimes people are great pretenders and won’t admit to anything being wrong, and then they just snap and call the whole thing off. This could be her, or you may be unwilling to accept the warning signs. I don’t know — I’m just giving you something to chew on!
I hope this has helped a little, and welcome your thoughts and questions on this or any other topic.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Laurie – I am relieved to find your articles. Can you point me to any thing else I can read to somehow cope with and get over the inexplicable loss of a very close and intimate friendship when there was no clue in any way that anything was wrong. Asking for clarification and trying to increase communication has only resulted in more hurt. It is confounded by the fact that there is a professional connection which is likely to have to continue for quite some time. Thank you in advance for any comments you might have.
Thanks for your tips, AussieExpat! I’m glad you posted here.
I’m glad you shared your insights — and I especially love the part about “the world is too big a place to be centred on one person making a dramatic impact on your life.” Indeed, after we break up with someone, we often think that’s the only person for us — nobody else can make us happy or understand us. Or will want to be with us! But those are NOT true, and people surviving breakups really need to remember that.
I look forward to seeing more of you here on Quips & Tips!
Laurie
Hi Laurie,
This is an interesting forum you have. I have also read many of your readers’ posts. Some of them I do not agree with in their approach, but most of them genuine and worth listening to.
I have just come out of a very toxic relationship. In the beginning, I wanted out as I knew there were few healthy signs to a meaningful relationship. It was complicated – there were 3 kids (2 of them twins), a separation, a foreign country, much confusion, possessive traits and interference. Yet on three levels, we seemed to connect – physically, mentally, emotionally.
At the start, despite circumstances, everything two people could want in a healthy relationship seemed to be there. Or, just about!
Regardless of what transpires, it is always two people that at some point or other are equally responsible for what happens. Priorities need to be in place at the very beginning. And if these wain, then as adults, decisions and choices – no matter how hard they are – must be made.
It took me months to get out of this relationship. We both knew there was no future, whilst things remained complicated with the separation. Both people need – including myself – needed to sort issues out their issues before becoming fully committed with others.
My strongest advice to your readers though is this. Anger, over-analysing and not knowing how to be compassionate, objective and honest, will wear you down, lead to hurtful events or actions, and cause bitterness.
If you need to move on, my best advice is to choose your friends wisely and listen to the advice of those you respect. They may come from different walks of life, but you respect them for their qualities of who they are.
And what they see, even if they are not experiencing what it is you are personally going through, may actually be that you are not doing okay, and you really do need to get out, no matter how great the relationship may seem to be!
If you are feeling depressed, because what has taken place has happened over time and completely worn you dry, well, you still need to think positive. Do things one step at a time, first. Then count the number of things that you have positive going for you. Repeat this once or twice a week. I can assure you, after 2-4 weeks, you are already moving forward and able to map progress in your self and own empowerment.
The most important relationship though, is that with your self, first and foremost. You have to be committed to getting this right. If you need help, seek it – but not a band aid, quick fix solution.
Moving forward, for your readers, should be a sign that you cherish your self-esteem, respect and dignity, and that you are determined to come out on top.
Get out of a difficult relationship, or a great relationship, with this in tact over the long-term, and you have a lot you can be grateful for. This includes the one’s you’ve loved and learned to let go.
Now, I know and believe all I am saying. But does it make me feel any better? Hell, no! Not right now, any way. But time will take it’s course. The world is too big a place to be centred on one person making a dramatic impact on your life, not to want to live and enjoy the rest of it.
So, all this is not easy. But it is all well worth it!
Apologies in advance – I could not find an email addie, so am posting this instead.
Do keep me posted with more of your material and advice on this topic.
Regards,
AussieExpat
(Hong Kong)
Hi Bill,
Have you talked to your wife about her behavior, and your suspicions that she’s cheating? That might be a good first step.
I encourage you to try to talk to her about what might be missing in your marriage. Why is she going out without you? What can you do to meet her halfway, so you two can have a happier, more fulfilling marriage?
That’s the best thing to do right now….and then, once you figure out where she’s at, and if she’s ready to be honest and talk openly, then you can take the next step. I don’t know what that next step might be, but you have to talk to her first!
Good luck,
Laurie
Hi Nick,
I think I’ll write an article about how to forget toxic friends. When I do, I’ll post the link here. Won’t be long!
Laurie
My wife is I suspect cheating on me. I can tell that she dresses up when she goes out without me, comes home at odd hours, drops off our son at a friends house so she can go out alone and probably meet up with her lover and acts different when she’s at home like she is guilty in something she did. How do I handle this?