Surviving a Breakup – 10 Tips for Moving On When Your Relationship Ends
How Do You Survive a Breakup?
If you think you can’t survive your breakup, you’re wrong. It may take a few months, but you will become a better, happier, more confident person with these creative ways to move on when your relationship ends.
“From the first moment that you have the wind knocked out of you by hearing in one way or another that the relationship is over, you must ruthlessly prioritize doing as little as possible,” writes Delphine Hirsh in The Girls’ Guide to Surviving a Break-Up. “By that I mean you must accept that you are in shock and that you should expect nothing from yourself other than to keep breathing.”
If you’re still in shock over the breakup, give yourself time to heal. If you can’t seem to break free from the past, read Letting Go of Someone You Love — it offers 75 tips from psychologists, life coaches, and counselors.
And, use one or all ten of these ten tips for healing your broken heart…
10 Creative Ways to Survive a Breakup
Sniff your way to happiness
Michelle Schoffro Cook, author of The Brain Wash, says, “Natural scents have a direct pathway to the brain and research shows that some chemical constituents of aromatherapy oils, particularly…sesquiterpenes can cross the blood-brain barrier and increase oxygen flow to the brain.” Extra oxygen in your brain increases energy, immune function, learning, attitude and positive emotions…all of which you need if your relationship ends!
Soak in classical, easy listening or rock ‘n roll music
Faster, major keys cool your brain, which lifts your mood and helps you stay happy after heartbreak. You know what songs work for you: find music from a different, happier era of your life. Don’t know what to listen to? Read The Best Songs for Broken Hearts.
Paint, arrange photographs, sculpt, or draw
Making art strengthens your sense of self and contributes to feelings of normalcy. Plus, it’s relaxing to focus on being creative — and it’ll help you survive a breakup by distracting you from your emotions. Creativity increases serotonin levels and reduces stress; it also improves blood pressure and heart rate. Anything artistic can help create you create a new identity and even let go of someone you love.
Skip the evening news – your relationship breakup is depressing enough
Ongoing exposure to depressing, negative information can make you paranoid, anxious and physically unhealthy – and the news will not keep you happy after heartbreak. Skipping the evening news will help you produce fewer stress-related hormones that contribute to high blood pressure, depression, digestive disorders, and a weaker immune system. The healthier you are, the faster you’ll heal after a break up.
Get a massage – it does more than alleviate sore muscles
To survive a breakup, make sure you get lots of healthy touch! Emotional struggles, such as depression and eating disorders, are positively affected by massage because it reduces the amount of cortisol in your system and promotes an overall sense of well-being. According to the Massage Therapy Association of Manitoba, “massage promotes elimination of waste products, improves flow of nutrients to body tissues, and increases circulation to all parts of the body.” The healthier and happier you feel, sooner you’ll survive when your relationship ends.
Imagine a bright, loving, hopeful future
Guided imagery involves three steps: 1) relaxing; 2) focusing on pain; 3) replacing painful feelings with healthy images. Visualizing what you want your future to look like can help you achieve your goals – and it floods your body with positive chemicals and feelings. Most physical, emotional and behavioural symptoms are affected by your thoughts and attitude; positive images can help you survive a breakup.
Eat broccoli (a surprising way to survive a breakup!)
Eating nutritiously and taking care of your body is difficult when you’re in pain or grieving – but it’s when you’re down and out that your body needs nutrition the most. Avoid refined sugar, heavy meats, processed foods, and caffeine because they make you feel sluggish and tired, which will not help you survive a broken relationship – especially if you’ve split up with your partner. Eat fish, whole grains, raw nuts, seeds, beans, legumes, wild rice and of course plenty of fruits and vegetables.
Explore museums and solve crossword puzzles
Using your brain to get into the flow of an activity – whether it’s exploring an art gallery or solving a Sudoku puzzle – will help you escape the painful feelings and let go of someone you love (even if it’s just for a short time). When you’re focused on a puzzle or intellectual pursuit you’re not thinking about your pain or ex-partner. This tip for surviving a break up may even help you meet new people…
Dig into your spirituality – it increases optimism and positive feelings
Pursuing spirituality within a group (a church or synagogue, for instance) increases your social support system, coping skills, and self-image. Recently, researchers found that even people who pray online have fewer negative emotions and higher levels of well-being. If you’re surviving a breakup, try connecting to God or the universe. You’ll feel less fearful and anxious, which will improve your health and immune system.
Strive for balance (it’s the key to emotional and physical health)
If you’re frantically juggling personal, professional, volunteer and social activities, there’s no doubt that your emotional health will suffer and you’ll have a hard time surviving a breakup. Overdoing it can also include spending too much time alone watching tv, lying in bed, or snoozing. Balance means leaving work or volunteer duties to spend time with family and friends – or pulling away from family and friends to read, walk, or pursue a new hobby. When your relationship ends, you need to take care of yourself by adding balance to your life.
Want to get him back? The Magic of Making Up is a gentle way to approach your ex.
If you want to pull all the punches, read How to Get Your Ex Back.
Category: Breakup Survival Tips
how do you forget a toxic friend?
Thanks Laurie for your response. I appreciate it.
Hi Kate,
Ugh…yes, that’s definitely cheating. What a drag — it’s too bad she can’t appreciate her husband and stay away from married men.
Not sure what you can do, other than not supporting her in her cheating. The people you hang out with definitely rub off on you, so I’d suggest not hanging out with her. Not that cheating is “catching” or anything! Just that her manipulation and lies aren’t good juju….those nasty vibes and bad energy affects the people she’s in contact with.
I think you’re right to stay away from it.
Good luck,
Laurie
I have a friend who’s married to a great guy. Get this though, on weekends she goes out and spends time with another married man all day and night and chats for hours online with the married man. For me, I see that as cheating already, isn’t that cheating? My friend is a really good manipulative liar. Need your input. I’m staying away from that cuz I think it’s a mess already.
Thanks for your questions, Kelly and Peter! Since they aren’t related to surviving a breakup, I moved them to different articles…
Kelly, I moved your question “Do you believe in astrology and psychic readings? What’s your aspect on that?” to Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic.
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/mind-soul/5-tips-for-taming-your-inner-critic/
And Peter, I moved your question “Why do people like to judge other people? is it because they are insecure of themselves so they judge? To “7 Tips for Personal Growth and Self-Development”.
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/mind-soul/7-tips-for-personal-growth-and-self-development/
Thanks for being here, and I look forward to seeing you on those other threads later today…
Laurie
Mike, I’m glad I could help!
Regarding destiny or fate versus “making things happen”…I believe in both. For instance, my husband and I got married after 17 years of being close friends, losing contact with each other for 3 years, and then finding each other again. Were we meant to be together? Or was it because I was finally ready to get married and settle down, and so I called him (and the day I called just happened to be his birthday — is that fate?).
I do believe in destiny or fate, but I also believe we have to take action to achieve our goals. I believe in God, but I also believe that we need take care of ourselves, to act on our own behalf, and to work hard to get what we want out of life.
I also believe that we need to be emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy before fate or destiny “blesses” us with good things. For instance, I wasn’t ready to be married in my 20s and early 30s – maybe I wasn’t healthy enough (or, maybe I just wanted to live as a single woman for a long time!).
To accept what fate, destiny, God, the universe, or however you look at it offers, we need to be able to reach out. We have to be aware and open-minded.
Good question!
Laurie
Laurie, you’re great! thanks for shedding some light on this. Learned something new from you and you are on point with it. I want to know when will the right time be for me? do you believe in destiny? or Fate? is there such a thing? or is it meant to be because you make it happen on the person that’s for you?
Hi Bryce,
When you’re making a decision in life, you go with both your gut instincts and your intellectual, rational brain. You weigh the pros and cons, figure out what the consequences are, and make a decision based on the best outcome for as many people as possible.
I don’t think your attraction to this woman is a “gut instinct.” It’s a physical attraction — but that’s not the same as your gut. I admire your decision to keep away from this woman — because affairs with married women rarely offer the “best outcome for as many people as possible.”
Limiting your contact with her is a great idea. And, remember that just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have to act on it! You’ll be attracted to many women throughout your life….but that doesn’t mean you fool around with them. It’s just a physical attraction. Those feelings come and go, and they’re not based on thoughtful, wise life decisions.
Accept that you feel attracted, be sad that it’s to bad that she’s married, and keep your eyes open for single, available, interesting women! And remember — even when you get married, you’ll still be attracted to people. But, you (hopefully) won’t act on that attraction because you’re a rational, thoughtful, moral human being (not an animal).
Get out and meet fun people — do interesting things with available women! Leave us old married ladies alone
Laurie
Hi Mike,
Your question (was your friend born with certain personality traits, or did she learn them?) is something psychologists and scientists have studied for years….without finding an answer! It’s the old “nature versus nurture” debate.
Some experts believe we are born with certain personality traits, and our environment affects them to some extent. Others believe that our environment totally shapes who we are, and the personality traits we’re born with aren’t as important. I think most experts believe that it’s a combination of innate characteristics and our environment (parents, siblings, society, schools, etc) that make us who we are.
The only way to find out for sure how much we learn from our surroundings is to take two identical twins and raise them in two different environments. Then, watch them as they grow up: are the same, or different? If they’re the same, then nature is the key factor. If they’re different, then nuture is it.
So there’s no easy answer — but I suspect she was allowed to be selfish for most of her life, so she treats people with disrespect. We’re ALL born with a selfish streak (to help us survive!), but most of us have parents who teach us to consider other people’s feelings and needs.
Her parents may not have taught her to respect others….which means she might have to learn it as an adult. If, that is, she runs into people who confront her about her behavior. Or, she might never learn how to treat others well….
I hope this helps to answer your question!
Laurie
Do you go with your gutt instinct when you make a choice or decision in your life? I like this woman but she’s married. I am staying away from her because my feelings for her are strong and I know its not the right to do. I spent time with her and that’s how the feelings developed. This is not good I know but I’ve been keeping myself busy to remove her from my head. What else can I do?
Thanks Laurie. I just don’t get a friend like that. Is that a trait that they learned from someone else or are they born with that attitude? I looked up what an energy vampire is and you’re right on the money. That’s so her. I felt like she just used me and took me for granted. I’m single and the type of guy to appreciate the people in my life.
Hmmmm…it sounds like you already know what her problem is! She’s selfish and disrespectful, and she doesn’t care about your feelings. She sounds a little unstable, too. Maybe she acts on impulse, before she thinks, and that’s why she changed her mind about being friends with you.
Have you ever heard of an “energy vampire”? That’s what she sounds like. Google that phrase, and you’ll learn what it means….I bet your friend fits the description!
Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with her anymore – she doesn’t sound like a real friend, anyway. That “breakup” won’t be hard to survive, I wouldn’t think!
Good luck
Laurie
I have a friend who is extremely disrespectful to me and is very selfish. All she thinks about is herself. she is draining when I hangout with her. she emailed me and said that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and so I said ok with me. then she emailed me back again and said friends have disagreements and she wants to still be friends with me. like what is her problem? she is playing with me?
5 years after my husband abandoned my 2 month old son and I and moved back to Italy to avoid paying child support I met a wonderful man and began dating him. My 5 year old son loved him as well. 2 months into our relationship I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My new boyfriend assured me he loved me and wanted to see me through this and that we would get through it together.
Well, he lasted about as long as my hair did. He dumped me shortly after my 4th chemo treatment while I was very sick. We were together for a total of 8 months but because of the situation my son and I had to move in with him so our relationship took on a much greater degree of intensity for the amount of time we were together. He said he just didn’t think he was ready for a long term relationship. He is 49 with 2 teenagers and divorced for 6 years before I met him.
We ended things amicably because he did help me out so much for the 4 of 16 treatments I had to endure. 3 weeks after we broke up I found out he had a new girlfriend(through the grapevine)which indicates to me he was probably cheating on me while I was living in his house sick from the chemo. He continues to contact me weekly. At first I told him I needed some time before transitioning to a friend only status. It’s been since Feb. since we broke up and I’ve accepted his freindship offer by resuming contact with him. I’m pretty sure he has broken up with the new girl now and he calls, emails or texts me on a weekly basis. He also wants to spend time with my son who now is 6 yrs old but he never includes me for these visitations.
Our friendship is limited to communicating by phone, email or text and our conversations are very topical. I have since began declining on his offers to spend time with my son independent of me because I feel it’s confusing for my son who has questioned me why mommy is never included in their visits like she used to be and “since he doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore things can go back to normal”. I feel it is a bit inappropriate for such a young child to have an independent relationship with a man who is opposed to including me in their outings. I trust him with my son, but it just seems strange to me.I counter his offers by inviting him and his children to join us at the pool, at church, etc. and while he seems interested in doing this, he always cancels at the last minute do to what he calls scheduling conflicts. Also, I worry about if this guy meets a new woman, he will no longer have time for my son and my child will bear the burden of a broken heart. This man didn’t have any interest in spending time with my son until about a month ago-coincidently about the time I think he broke up with the new girl. He is always the one to initiate contact not me-but then he never makes the jump to actually have any kind of relationship with me.
I am okay with just being friends with him, but friends have an active relationship don’t they? I am also wondering if it is probable that he has an alterior motive like wanting to ease back into dating me.
What is your take on this and what advice would you give me moving forward. I would be lying to say I wouldn’t consider dating him again but I am also realistic enough to know I would have to contemplate that long and hard before actually agreeing to it. Then again, he hasn’t exactly given me any indication he wants to date me again. I am now finished with all my cancer treatments and the hair is growing back-about an inch and a half so I’m starting to look like my old self again(somewhat)
Sorry for the length of this but thought you would need all the facts before giving your opinion.
Thank you.
Kristin
Thanks for stopping by, Reuben — I’m so glad I could help. And, I’m glad you recognize the “Hollywood happily ever after” myth! It destroys relationships by building false expectations (don’t get me started
)
Laurie, just to let you know that your comment to Vicki made my day. It helped me a lot, I have experienced something similar to Vicki and i was getting carried away the “hollywood, happily ever after”. Thanks for your words !
Vicki, that’s great that you’ve been honest with Dave — and he’s been honest with you! A sure sign of a healthy relationship.
How do you let go of Mark? One way is to remember that you haven’t lived with him, slept beside him for years, bought a house with him, seen him when he was sick, etc. In other words, you haven’t lived through the hardest part of love relationships with him! It’s easy to be all ga-ga and in love with someone that you haven’t lived with for years….new loves are exciting and passionate.
But you know what? I like my “old love” better. I love our ups and downs, the fights and boring times, the great connections and intimate times. To let go of someone you’re not meant to be with, you need to focus on the great things you have in your current relationship.
And, don’t buy into the Hollywood “happily ever after” shtick. In the movies and on TV, love is exciting and fun and romantic and passionate…….but real, commited, long-term love can’t always be like that. If it was, we’d never get any work done, we’d never achieve our other goals!
You may have built Mark up into something amazing and wonderful in your mind. In reality, after a few years of living together, you’d find that he brings his own set of relationship problems. They may be different than Dave’s, but they’re still there.
Just like you said: there are no negatives or painful memories with Mark. Remembering that is exactly how you get over him! He’s fresh, new and exciting…and he doesn’t have history or shared memories.
Focus on what you love about Dave — and his amazing commitment to you. I wouldn’t push away or suppress your exciting passionate; there’s nothing wrong with it. Keep your love for Mark in your heart, and cherish it. It can exist without you having to leave Dave or uproot your life.
What say you?
Now I’m off to respond to your other comment — I liked that one!
Laurie
I have been in a relationship with Dave for 9 years. I have felt for a long time that this was not the right relationship for me. I thought moving, and buying a house, would bring us together. Make partners of us. Things have never been bad, but they just weren’t good. They were. We lived as roommates, leading separate lives with separate interests, coming together over TV and dinner. There’s been no intimacy in years, and still, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. And then, a year ago, I met and fell in love with another man. He has been the best thing to ever happen to me.
Now Dave knows about Mark. He finally admitted that he has been unhappy almost as long as I have. And now that we both realize our contributions to the failed relationship, Dave wants to work on things, believing we can make this work this time. I was ready to end things with Dave, and had done a lot of healing before I met Mark. Now, I feel I owe it to myself and Dave to give this a try. To see if things can be better.
My question is, how do I let go of Mark? He has been everything I never knew I wanted. There are no negatives, no painful memories, only great ones. But I do this in order to be sure, with complete certainty, that this isn’t what I want, changes and all.
Thanks.
Moving forward and focusing on the positive side of life is a conscious choice that he’ll have to make every single day — or even several times a day, or several times an hour! I think focusing on “the bright side of the street” is a habit we have to cultivate, especially when bad things happen to us financially and emotionally.
But the good news is: the more we cultivate that perspective (being grateful for what we do have, instead of bitter over what we’ve lost) – the easier it gets.
I don’t know how you can convince your friend that he needs to consciously change how he thinks of his situation…but I do know that he’s lucky to have you as a friend, Lorraine! Being grateful for friends like you is definitely one way to be more positive about life.
Can he do volunteer work? That often helps people feel better about their lives, and it’s also proven to improve physical health. If you or another friend volunteers somewhere, maybe he could go with you for a “test run”?
It’s hard to help people who can’t or won’t help themselves…and it can be difficult to know what kind of help to offer. Sometimes time heals — maybe he just needs to grieve and be bitter for a season (hopefully not a long one), and then he’ll be ready to move on.
I hope these ideas help a little! Do let me know how things are going.
Laurie
Hi Lorraine,
It’s unfortunate when people find themselves in spots that are both emotionally AND financially difficult. Those times are some of the hardest to get through. It wouldn’t be fair to comment on his situation with limited information, but without question, the emotional energy he’s investing would be more powerful and much more effective if it was focused on his future rather than on what was “done” to him.
He alone controls what he does next – emotionally, financially, and physically. Though he is 100% disabled, there may be options for generating income that can, at a minimum, offset what is being redirected to his ex-wife. People with severe disabilities have gone on to do amazing things, and many of them will tell you they’re just regular people with an extra challenge. With the right focus, your friend could well become one of those people.
The sooner he starts working on building a positive life, the more time he’ll have to enjoy it. Every day that he spends resenting his situation costs him one more day of feeling good, and only he can choose to change that.
Hope this helps!
I have a male friend on SS disability and recently his exwife was able to obtain an order whereby she receives a portion of this. This man is very bitter that he has to give her this money because he feels she is able to go out and earn a living while he is 100% disabled. Can you possibly comment on this and help this man to move forward and not concentrate so much on this negative side of his life?
Thanks
Exellent! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.
That’s one of the hardest parts of surviving a breakup – remembering the good times, and letting go of the past anyway! Most people have great qualities and most relationships are full of wonderful moments, which is party why breaking up is so hard to do.
Best wishes getting over your ex, Debbie. Keep reminding yourself how destructive the relationship was! That may make it easier to get over him.
Through researching the net, i have found that i was in an additive relationship. He was controlling. looking back, i see all the signs now. the problem is, is that i cannot seem to let go of the good times, and the feeling that my heart knows it found my soul mate, because that was how our relationship seemed. he has too many issues to deal with, and holds back on our relationship. i can no longer deal with this, but it hurts like hell. thank you for your support. i know i will get through this.
Very helpful//I was in a sexless marriage 1 yr/3 mos 29 days and it hurt to leave but I was not growing//simply dying//a lot of the principles you describe/ I have actually done on my way to Healing///thx so much///Lynn