10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup When Your Relationship Ends

how to survive breaking up

Sometimes it helps to know you’re not alone when you’re surviving a break up.

If you think you can’t survive your breakup, you’re wrong. It will take time, but you will be happy again – because survival brings acceptance.

“From the first moment that you have the wind knocked out of you by hearing in one way or another that the relationship is over, you must ruthlessly prioritize doing as little as possible,” writes Delphine Hirsh in The Girls’ Guide to Surviving a Break-Up. “By that I mean you must accept that you are in shock and that you should expect nothing from yourself other than to keep breathing.”

If you’re still in shock over the breakup, give yourself time to heal. If you can’t seem to break free from the past, read Letting Go of Someone You Love — it offers 75 tips from psychologists, life coaches, and counselors.

And, use one or all ten of these ten tips for healing your broken heart…




10 Tips for Surviving When Your Relationship Ends

Sniff your way to happiness

Michelle Schoffro Cook, author of The Brain Wash, says, “Natural scents have a direct pathway to the brain and research shows that some chemical constituents of aromatherapy oils, particularly…sesquiterpenes can cross the blood-brain barrier and increase oxygen flow to the brain.” Extra oxygen in your brain increases energy, immune function, learning, attitude and positive emotions…all of which you need if your relationship ends!

Soak in classical, easy listening or rock ‘n roll music

Faster, major keys cool your brain, which lifts your mood and helps you stay happy after heartbreak. You know what songs work for you: find music from a different, happier era of your life. Don’t know what to listen to? Read The Best Songs for Broken Hearts.

If you don’t think listening to music will help you survive a breakup, try learning a new instrument.

Paint, arrange photographs, sculpt, or draw

Making art strengthens your sense of self and contributes to feelings of normalcy. Plus, it’s relaxing to focus on being creative — and it’ll help you survive a breakup by distracting you from your emotions. Creativity increases serotonin levels and reduces stress; it also improves blood pressure and heart rate. Anything artistic can help create you create a new identity and even let go of someone you love.

Skip the evening news – your relationship breakup is depressing enough

Ongoing exposure to depressing, negative information can make you paranoid, anxious and physically unhealthy – and the news will not keep you happy after heartbreak. Skipping the evening news will help you produce fewer stress-related hormones that contribute to high blood pressure, depression, digestive disorders, and a weaker immune system. The healthier you are, the faster you’ll survive the breakup and start over after your relationship ends.

Get a massage – it does more than alleviate sore muscles

To survive a breakup, make sure you get lots of healthy touch! Emotional struggles, such as depression and eating disorders, are positively affected by massage because it reduces the amount of cortisol in your system and promotes an overall sense of well-being. According to the Massage Therapy Association of Manitoba, “massage promotes elimination of waste products, improves flow of nutrients to body tissues, and increases circulation to all parts of the body.” The healthier and happier you feel, sooner you’ll break free from the past.

Imagine a bright, loving, hopeful future

Guided imagery involves three steps: 1) relaxing; 2) focusing on pain; 3) replacing painful feelings with healthy images. Visualizing what you want your future to look like can help you achieve your goals – and it floods your body with positive chemicals and feelings. Most physical, emotional and behavioural symptoms are affected by your thoughts and attitude; positive images can help when he says he doesn’t love you anymore.

Eat broccoli (a surprising way to survive a breakup!)

Eating nutritiously and taking care of your body is difficult when you’re in pain or grieving – but it’s when you’re down and out that your body needs nutrition the most. Avoid refined sugar, heavy meats, processed foods, and caffeine because they make you feel sluggish and tired, which will not help you survive a broken relationship – especially if you’ve split up with your partner. Eat fish, whole grains, raw nuts, seeds, beans, legumes, wild rice and of course plenty of fruits and vegetables.

Explore museums and solve crossword puzzles

Using your brain to get into the flow of an activity – whether it’s exploring an art gallery or solving a Sudoku puzzle – will help you escape the painful feelings and let go of someone you love (even if it’s just for a short time). When you’re focused on a puzzle or intellectual pursuit you’re not thinking about your pain or ex-partner. This tip for surviving a break up may even help you meet new people.

Dig into your spirituality – it increases optimism and positive feelings

Pursuing spirituality within a group (a church or synagogue, for instance) increases your social support system, coping skills, and self-image. Recently, researchers found that even people who pray online have fewer negative emotions and higher levels of well-being. If you’re surviving a breakup, try connecting to God or the universe. You’ll feel less fearful and anxious, which will improve your health and immune system.

Strive for balance (it’s the key to emotional and physical health)

If you’re frantically juggling personal, professional, volunteer and social activities, there’s no doubt that your emotional health will suffer and you’ll have a hard time surviving a breakup. Overdoing it can also include spending too much time alone watching tv, lying in bed, or snoozing. Balance means leaving work or volunteer duties to spend time with family and friends – or pulling away from family and friends to read, walk, or pursue a new hobby. When your relationship ends, you need to take care of yourself by adding balance to your life.




Sometimes writing about how you’re surviving your breakup can make you feel better, because writing is great therapy! Feel free to share your experience below.

 

Relationship Help

How to Get Your Ex Back

Stop the Divorce and Save Your Marriage

How to Captivate a Man and Make Him Fall in Love With You



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Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
Welcome - I'm glad you're here! I can't give advice, but you're welcome to share your experience below. I'm a writer in Vancouver; my degrees are in Psychology, Education, and Social Work. I live with my husband, two dogs, and cat. We are childless, & have made peace with it. It helps to love Jesus :-)

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107 Responses

  1. Laurie says:

    How would I survive the break up if my marriage ended? I would move away from Vancouver. I would start new somewhere exciting, like Europe. I wouldn’t stay in the same house, but I would keep blogging. I’d become a different person.

  2. Alii says:

    I know how it feels.. I had my break up too.. my boyfriend of 2 years didnt have the courage to break up with me, i found out on his birthday that we where through because I wanted to celebrate his birthday. I only got humilated and hurt and he didnt even care. I think he used me for so long. I have weeks and weeks without any info about him. I am in the process of healing myself, I am doing volunteering work, Travelling keeping my self busy. It does work, also doing meditation like yoga and steps aerobic classes helps too. I am finding out that I am better than him because spiritually it wasnt me that broke up it was him and when time goes bye he is going to regret what a great person I was.. Every women should realize that their is no perfect man they are all egoistic and cowards they only think about there happiness and they keep on living while you are depress and crying at home he must be having a good time with his friends, new girl or who knows what else. They always call after a few months or years and when that happen women have to be prepare to destroy them telling them they are better in life and that they are doin good. They hate that because they wish they would find you defeated. so remember that ladies men wont change you have too..

  3. Oakley says:

    Angie, I don’t know if you’re still reading responses to your question but having been through a similar situation I had to write. My first & probably most important piece of advice is NOT to bail him out. When you contract with a bail bondsman it’s kind of like a loan; you have to put up collateral (like anything you own–house, car, etc). If the boyfriend, who has already shown his true colors (IMHO) by lying to you, (failing to reveal pertinent details is what I call a lie of omission) fails to show up in court on his trial date he will become a FTA-failure to appear. The judge will most likely revoke his bond immediately and issue a warrant for his arrest. The bottom line is that YOU will be the one to fall with him if he FTA’s and could lose the collateral you pledged to the bail bondsman.

    Please DO put yourself first in this situation. It’s time to slow down a relationship when things like this happen. While a DUI 3yrs ago might sound minor, what if he had been involved in an accident & hurt someone? It would seem that this fellow might not share similar morals & values that you do.

    I’ll tell you a shortened version of my experience. I was involved with this guy & knew he had “issues” but put myself in a state of denial over it. Problems really went into high gear one night as we were leaving Wal-Mart. (Keep in mind, I was the “breadwinner” here; paying for EVERYTHING) Security guards followed us out the door, collared him & pulled me back inside to question me about it! The loser had shoplifted a container of OTC cold stuff! I had no idea he’d done it or why; I was shocked. Got him bailed out, tried to go on with life. A few months later, one day he was just crazy–he sat on the sofa all day holding a pistol pointed at my son, 22, and me. At bedtime, I decided to sleep in a different bedroom. That’s when he took the barrel of the gun and placed it on my skin between my breasts! I was sure I was about to die. My son tried to protect me & next thing I know we’re in some scene from Hollywood wrestling over the stupid loaded pistol. We finally got it away from him & ran out the door. By now it’s 1:30AM, I’m scared to death & want to leave my own home but the car keys were in the house. No way was I going back in there! Wound up running up the road in the pitch dark to a neighbor’s house to call the police in my pajamas. All the way there we were both terrified that he would take my keys & come after us with a car. Talk about terror & humiliation. I was so embarrassed for my neighbor to know I associated with this kind of person! We called the police & they had to call out the SWAT team to get this (expletive deleted) out of my house! The shoplifting deal should have been a clue to me to slow things down but I was in such denial–still kick myself over that. But it gets better–I let him come back! I was very dissatisfied but now also wary. Then the day came when I had hard proof he had been stealing money from me. I said nothing but during one long night I took my house key off his keyring and when he left to return his daughter to her mother, he called from the road & THAT’S when I told him not to come back! Yes, I planned it that way because I was afraid of what he’d do if I allowed him to come to my house or saw him in person. It was a crazy few days. It took me better than a year to disentangle myself from that craziness! And, of course, when I ran his background criminal history, you know he had a lengthy criminal history from b4 I ever knew him. Last crazy thing (sorry for the long post). Even though I was doing everything in my power to disengage, he managed to get arrested AGAIN & had the nerve to call me to come bail him out. I had to refuse. I didn’t have the cash to put up as collateral; I only had my house which I wasn’t going to gamble with! So, you see, people who are not willing to come clean & take responsibility for their behavior by owning up to it with a serious partner probably are not good candidates for stable relationships. Your story struck a cord with me. Once I got out of that situation (’bout 3 years now) I have not been interested in another intimate relationship; have not in fact been on a date in all that time. I’m embarrassed that I ever got involved with such a loser!
    Good luck! Stay strong!

  4. Laurie says:

    Dear Angie,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend – it must have been so shocking for you! Did you have any clues, any red flags that suggested your boyfriend was on probation?

    I wrote this article for you:

    Your Boyfriend Gets Arrested – Do You Visit Him in Jail or Move On?

    I hope it helps a little…I’ve never been in your situation either, but I encourage you to protect yourself as much as you can. I’m glad the business is only a month old, because it’s easier to dissolve it and move on than if it was years or decades old!

    Let me know how you’re doing. I’m sorry it took so long to answer your comment.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  5. Kate A says:

    Dear Angie, wihtout knowing all the details of the situation… it is difficult to tell you anything at length. I would say do your best to keep your head up and fill your life with good. Take time out to enjoy the simple pleasures life has to offer. Be supportive to the man behind bars… but dont wait around for him… do your best to move forward. And as for the business aspect, get another/other foreman… You have to think of yourself as completely in charge, and take responsibility for the company and its success. You can do it!!!

  6. mrpbros says:

    i had a very bad experience over love. I broke up with my girlfriend only bcoz of able to give time spend together. Since last breakup i didn’t made any girlfriend… Its realy painful…

  7. Angie says:

    My situation I guess is a bit odd and that is why I am having an issue dealing with it. I was dating someone for quite a while, everything was going great. We were still happy to see each other and enjoyed each others company. We were at the point that we discussed moving in together and looked at houses a couple of weeks ago. A month ago we started a business together, so you would think that with everything progressing the way it was it was going great. I spoke to him monday while he was working then we were texting. I got busy with paperwork and several hours sent a text to see how everything was progressing on the job. I got no response. So I figured he’s busy he will get back to me later. Around 11pm at night several hours later did not hear anything from him, not even that the job was completed so I knew if I should bill it out. I called and left a voicemail, but his phone was off. I found it to be odd, but figured batteries dead. The next morning I find out that he was arrested about 10 minutes after our last text for not paying traffic fines and there are several I guess. Not to mention that he was on probation, that I knew nothing about from a DUI three years prior to us meeting. So I know that he ended up with a violation of probation charge also. I have not talked to him since he has been in jail and is still there. I have talked to the jail and caseworker there. I do not know if I should go visit or if I should just do the best to move on. They told me he is probably going to be there for quite a while. My issue other than hurt from the unknown information, is that it is a contracting business and he was the foreman. I do not know what to do with that mess either. This has not only effected me emotionally, but it is effecting my income also at this point. I would love to hear any suggestions or words of encouragement that anyone has. I have never been in this situation and obviously it is not a good one.

  8. andreas says:

    broken by bill.

    not all guys are the same girls can be cruel in allot of ways to people are like that people like to hurt eathor for the fun of it most people dont even know what the are doing till its to late im in the same boat as you onley thing you can do is get stronger and try to move futher write about it about everything you have done with him do it on ur computer or on a paper if ya need to cry then do it cry ur heart out! i hope this helps.

  9. Devin says:

    I think the part about balance is most telling: people don’t realize that staying active physically is a big part of fighting off breakup pain.

  10. priya says:

    i was with a guy for 2 yrs..he proposed me first..at that time i was nt agreed to start a love relationship with him.but gradually he convinced me that he loves me very much and will never let me go whatever situation comes…he acted like as if he was very caring..and i believed him..though my parents are very strict but still i brought him to my home to meet my parents.i loved him more than my life.we were like husband and wife.it was going very well till 1 and half year but slowly he started to avoid me..he,who was always calling me and was telling that he cant live without me..started to behave rudely with me..i asked the reason for his rude behavior..if he wants to breakup with me..he answered if you want to go you may..i told please let this relation start again from the beginig..why u r avoiding..he agreed with it but after 1 day he started the same behavr ..i was very hurt..i cried ..this type of relation continued for another half months,, some day ago ,as he was nt calling, i switched of the mobile..he texted me that he want to break up with me and all was my fault he was nt guilty at all.though he always hurt me but still i love him.i cant forget him i cant work .or concentrate on anything..i want breakup but..cant forget him…Help me

  11. Tani says:

    Hey !
    Thanks for theese tiips.. i guess ill be needing all o them… He was cheating on me,, n after i found ol out he was feeling sorry and wants me desperately but i cant forget all what happened and want to seperate… had dreams of setting up al with him… but… destiny !
    God Bless all!

    Tani 😐

  12. laura says:

    me and my guy ve been in 3yrs relationship…but tins suddenly changed few months ago.we didnt had any fight or arguement…he just stoped callin…textin…carering e.t.c.i guess its figuer it out urself. i stil cant believe dat for 3yrs i’ve loved a caword who cant be man enough 2 luk me in de eye and say…its over,am inluv wit someone else…i hate myself 4 loving him soo much…i keep wishing tins could get normal like before…am going crazy…i cant even pay attention…..

  13. broken by bill.. says:

    hi all broken girls..
    my bf of 3 years just left me about 5 days ago now.. i busted him out while he told me he was only going to a friends house.
    after that he never said a word to me just blocked me on his iphone app and that was it!!!
    no nothing!!
    im so hurt! 3 years ive spent my life by his side and i got lied to so many times! he left me 5 months ago, same thing busted then i got blocked but i guess im the silly 1 that went back for more!
    ill never know what ive done to deserve such pain and heartache but he just dose not care! while i sit here balling my eyes out not sleeping not eating he is out laughing with his friends and going out everynight with god knows who!
    why do we woman feel so much pain and hurt but they dont!!!???
    why do men cheat and lie??
    why is it hurting me so much!
    i know in my brain he is not good to me or for me but in my heart i love him more than i love anything in this world!!!
    please explain!
    how can i move on when ive been left in the dark and he has run away and left me in such a mess…
    how can i stop loving someone that has broken to the core…
    :'(

  14. Nicky says:

    Me and my boyfriend broke up two days ago and it is devastating to me. I love him sooo much. He is the second man I have actually been in love with, even though I’ve had other relationships. It is crazy…the first one I loved for 3 yrs, it was dysfunctional, and though he told me he loved me constantly, he didn’t show that he did by his actions. Now this man I’ve been with seven months, and he told me he loved me two or three times the entire relationship, but I always believed he did love me because of his actions. But still…it was frustrating that he wouldn’t say it. Finally last week…after months of not asking because I was scared of the answer…I asked him if he loved me or not. He said he didn’t know…that he knew he had at one point but wasn’t sure anymore. He asked to take a month break to think about it. Well, I’m 25 and he is 22, and to me…either you love someone or you don’t and it’s been seven months! That’s plenty of time to think about it! Then days later we are at the st. patricks day parade and I just break down…we end up having this emotional argument on the streets…and he says straight to my face that he doesn’t care about me anymore…
    That hurts so much…because I thought he did the entire time…I love him so much and I don’t know what to do with myself now. It’s just so shocking. I’ve never been hurt in this way…I’ve never had someone not even TRY for me.
    I keep telling myself I deserve better, I deserve someone more mature, I deserve someone who loves me and would do anything for me…but all I see is his face, and all I want is to go back to what we were two weeks ago…even if it was a lie…

  15. Lynn says:

    Meg, its sad to say this hon bc except for the fact of you’re being pregnant my bf done this exact thing to be before he broke up w/me sounds like I hate to say it, he wants rid of you. He’s starting the fights intentionally trying to provoke you to break up w/him because he’s to much of a coward to be a REAl man and tell you himself how he feels about you and where you stand in the relationship. I pray things improve with you and I know you’ll do find w/o him. Let me know how things go, will ya do that?

  16. Lynn says:

    Christine at least it wasn’t six years which was the case with me and my current ex. Rossy do not take him back or talk to him. I know I still love my bf but w/o his willingness to see that he has a problem and his wanting to change & do something about it .. then there’s nothing I can do because I won’t accept being an option for him.. someone to be there and talk to when he has nothing better to do and for six years I was, I love him dearly but I deserve more than that from a guy. It will more than likely take the rest of my life finding it, but if I don’t I can’t say that I honestly didn’t try.

  17. rossy says:

    well i knew my boyfriend for about 3 yrs before we started dating. i loved him a lot when we started dating. just recently we started having problems. he started with saying that he cant help but look at girls butts. so one day we were talking and he said ” i cant help but look at —–‘s butt when she bends down” i was sooo hurt by that.
    we got into an argument over it. then we started having even more problems we stopped seeing each other as much. he started complaining that we didn’t see each other enough and blah blah blah. he was very sexual and i’m not a sexual person. so he would always so ohh i want sex and stuff and i felt like i couldn’t give it to him. then about a week ago he told me he had cheated on me. i was devastated but stupid me still did not break up with him. this morning he texted me and we talked for a while then he said he wanted to make out with someone and i was so tired of him always saying that that i finally told him well go do it then i don’t care. he texted back saying i wish i could make out with someone without it being cheating. i texted back saying well you can without it being cheating. we wrote to each other a little more then he said if i loved him and i said yes i asked him the same. he said i don’t know i want to love you though. i didn’t wright back. he texted me later that evening and then called me. and we argued and i ended breaking up with him. im so sad and broken right now.. we have been talking for an hour or so and i don’t know what to do. i want him back but i would feel soo stupid taking him back.

  18. alia says:

    I wana breakup but i dont know how to manage things after it

  19. mriam says:

    i thing am going through a break up my so call boyfriend hasn’t call me or text me for a week he got mad because i ask why he became so self center why he was ignoring me an acting so distant from the day on i ask are you going to talk to me or what he never responded yesterday i had the nerve to send him a text to see how his soon was doing because he was sick he only said a couple off words and dint attempt to make conversation with me. i know deep inside me this means its over. i been trying so hard to keep busy not thing about it but its so painful. i manage to not look for him for 5 days so i guess i can do better than that. its just not right the he can’t be a man to just say its over yes. i guess either way it hurts anyways.i been reading self help books the mars and venus books and other books .getting online trying to find some clarity of why he did this but as much as i find or not the point is he actually broke it off with out saying it just by his actions. by not speaking to me. everytday its a new day. i hope the best for all of us broken hearts out their.love.mr

  20. Meg says:

    This is a little long but i really need some help. My boyfriend and i were together for about 3 years on and off. these past two months have been a little different though. We tend to get into little disagreements/arguments over the most frivalous things.. miscommunication/misunderstandings when one says something it can be often misinterpreted. But, when we are getting along.. we are SO happy together…we get along great, laugh have fun, etc. He tells me he loves me all the time, affectionate, generous, calls me when he gets off work to let me know his plans, etc. Two weeks ago he broke up with me.. then we got back together.. he really seemed he wanted to be done with me.. we had a conversation on the phone and he was giving me the talk that sometimes people tend to fall out of love with each other, so on and so forth.. but then we got together later that night and hung out.. in a way i may have forced it upon him.. maybe he felt obligated to see me!? and we got back together so to speak.. then the next day everything was great he sounded really happy.. was treating me a little better, then the next day, superbowl sunday.. i took a pregnancy test at his house and i found out i am pregnant.. he was super excited about it at first.. told me he will be there for me no matter what.. and he would support my decision whether i chose to have the baby or not.. we were doing really good.. and then the past 3 days.. monday (day before valentines day) he called me after work like he normally does, said he is exhausted.. but, to me, he seemed like something else was wrong too..so i had asked him if he was ok. second day, valentines day, he text me in the morning to say i luv u n happy v day! then called me after work.. again sounding drained but still as if he like dreads being on the phone with me or something.. than that night i went to his house.. brought him something for vday.. he didnt really seem as though he appreciated it at first.. a friend of his was there.. then left 5 min after i got there.. and when we were alone he brought up 3 things that were bothering him a little and kinda imposed an argument on us.. and it brought my mood totally down and i was hurt, and started crying. Idk if maybe he felt bad that he didnt get me anything or what!? then we kinda got over it as time went by.. i fell asleep in the bed cuddling with him.. then the next morning he text me ilu.. again called me later after work.. i didnt answer because i was busy.. then tried him back 20 min later.. and the first thing he says when we get on the phone is i know your probly busy and everything but i was just calling to let you know i am out of work and exhausted so i am going to go home and probly go to sleep i will either talk to you later tonight or tomorrow. he hardly ever tells me things like.. ill talk to you later tonight or tomorrow.. because we talk quite a bit throughout the day.. but after he said that i said ok sweetie, and sorry i missed your call i was cleaning outside my phone was inside..and he responds sarcastically like… oh im sure, you always seem to be cleaning, everyday, if thats really what your even doing.(again through the whole conversation still sounding miserable like he has the past few days like im a bother or something) and then i kindly asked..if he was ok and did i do something wrong? and then he brought up the other night.. and saying how hes been stressed out everyday at work, tired from working all day and then being up late with me, and saying that we are obviously not finding our common ground and doesnt think we ever will, and then the conversation gets a lil heated and he started raising his voice a little and telling me that he is tired of living his life miserable everyday for someone like me.. then he hung up on me.. i let some time pass for him to cool down then tried calling him back just to talk and he text me saying to leave him alone.. and its been 2 days now and he STILL has not contacted me. Idk what to think or feel.. im so confused how someone can act as though you mean the world to them and then out of the blue and with basically no reason..just end it with you.. especially knowing i am pregnant. i dont know what to do. i havent called him or text him.. and its the most difficult thing to do. any advice?

  21. alia says:

    hey you told the ways to maintain relationship. how to convince him that he is doing wrong, i mean how do i told him when he is not ready to listen and thinks he is right. plz advise me

  22. Mark says:

    In regard to one of the posts about ‘How to move on’. Nobody can really tell you how. I too am sick of people telling me to do Hobby A or B to take my mind off it as taking your mind off something does not fix the problem.

    To be specific the ‘how’ to get over it…. Letting go of one thing is the same a wholeheartedly embracing another. When you truly decide to embrace an alternative you will get over it

  23. raj says:

    i dono how to start my story .. i could name it as 7 years before . i was in love wid a girl for 7 years . everything was fine . she was d one who paid keen attention on my career growth .. she was with me all along my life . we were like husband and wife mentally and physically ..the kind of love she showed on me is abundant and u cannot even measure it …. each and every phase of my life she was wid me .. problem started with the relegion i am christian and she is a muslim ..in INDIA the greatest cause of all problems is relegion .. i told my parents they said ok for it but her parents indeed was reversed and they got her engaged with another boy .. the girl never told me that she was engaged as i was going through my certification exams .. she was worried about my results and she hided it and in the mean time she was talking with the engaged boy .. one fine day i founded it … things went worse … i slapped her … she got conceived by me and she was preganant for 2 months which became a miscarriage …now i m in a situation unable to forget her .. i called d boy and i said we were in love for 7 years and we lived like husband and wife … the boy said i ll marry her ..i dono wat to tell .. the girl cared abt my career and she also doesnt want to disappoint her parents … i m unable to come out of this coz she was like a mom, wife and she was everything to me …i don wanna lose her @ d same time situation says that she is no moe your wife .. can any one help me … coz i av loved her a lot ..

  24. Kat says:

    I was with my boyfriend for a year and 7 months. He was almost 4 years older than me. Im almost 19, & he is 22. Our relationship couldnt have been any more perfect even when he went to jail for 5 months for a 1st offense DUI. When he came home, he was also sentenced to 30 days of an inpatient rehab program. Thats when the problems started. I guess those people pissed him off because they were way worse off than he was, and there were alot of bed bugs in the house. Anyway, that was in july 2011 and things progressively got worse. He has anger problems and hit me on more than one occasion. I always went back to him. Finally, our relationship came to an abrupt end when new years eve (2012) he pretty much beat the hell out of me the worst he has ever done, and smashed out my back window of my car &2 passenger side windows with a huge rock from a nearby stone wall. I filed a police report &was transported to the hospital the next morning. I had a chest contusion & 2 deeply bruised ribs. I also had a huge black bruise on my arm. Ive never been more scared of an individual, esp someone i loved w all my heart, in my life. I was put on heavy pain medications, excused from work, and for the following 2 weeks or so, suffered a little bit of PTSD. We currently have a no contact order. It’s been a little over a month now, and even though i have a new boyfriend, its not the same and i really dont know what to do. All the times i spent crying myself to sleep from the verbal and emotional abuse from my now EX-bf, I still spend crying the same way because i did nothing to deserve that. I found out later that he was taking steroids, and drinking obviously on new years eve. I also found out he was cheating on me with 2 girls. I dedicated my life to just him and I. I turned away from my family, and my friends at times just because I didnt care what other people thought. It was just me and him. I am in college, and we were planning on getting married in 3-4 more years. we were serious. I was stupid I am so young but that doesnt mean im not just as hurt as everyone else who commented on here already. I just dont know what to do I gave my everything to this guy, and now that a new guy is in the picture, i thought maybe id be able to get over it and love again, but honestly i feel like i have nothing left to give. Maybe im scared to let go i dont know. Just dont know what I want or what to do…

  25. Revz K says:

    Mine is little different story. I loved a girl truly who is 2 years younger than me. But i was shy to show it to her and she too. I know she loves me. But things gone different. A guy who is living infront of her location impressed her and she got changed to him. She totally forgot abt her love to me and even forget me totally. Im broken totally since then. Interesting thing is, she is my relative. When i come to know about her affair, i asked dat she loves anyone or not. She lied to me by saying NO and i simply asked her dat could i get love from her??. She said me to wait for sometime and tell her decision. A question raised in my heart. Why should she lie to me about her affairs.? She know well i ll never oppose her for anything. Another day comes, i asked the same whether she loves me or not. She repeated the same thing to wait for the decision. Days passed. Years passed. I kept on asking about the same question. But still answer remains the same for years. This is happening for more than three years. I just try to come out from her. But i really cudnt. Before some days, i saw her in the station. She smiled at me. I was little happy about that. But in a second, her boy friend comes and starts to burn my heart. I left the place. Funny thing is she thinks that i still dont know about her affair. But im dying daily thinking of that affair.
    I really loved her.
    Loving her.
    Will love her.
    Now all i need is to survive a broken heart and find a fantastic girl who is more better than her, and have to show my MIDDLE finger to her..
    But i really cudnt do dat. Things not turning my mind. It sticked with her alot.
    Plzz help me to survive from this..

  26. Doug Elliott says:

    What do you do with a broken heart. that can’t mend at 70 years when I can’t understand why it started. I have no future and i do not want it. I just want peace and quiet to stop me thinking 24 hours a day. I have nobody to talk to and I am totally alone in this world. I live in Spain without the communication and noware to go. I am treated as a leper and don’t exist.I cry every day in totally depresion I can’t over come. At 70 we have the same feelings as young people.

  27. Joanna says:

    Hi everyone.. I’m having a hard time getting over my ex-boyfriend, actually my ex-fiancee.. How could he just call off our wedding like that easy? When I asked him what went wrong, he just told me that it was my fault.. That I said no to him because I wanted to prioritize my career.. My gosh, I didn’t say that.. The problem is, he can’t wait for me.. He perceives things differently.. How could he be serious bout marrying me then all of a sudden call it off like it was just a joke? Oh my gosh, the pain really sucks.. And weeks went by and certain things were revealed to me.. He lied to me about a lot of things…I know he likes this certain girl who’s married.. I don’t know what he’s gonna do.. It’s an immoral thing to break up with someone and be with another girl who is already married.. I dunno anymore but all I see is hatred and pain.. Pls advice me what to do..

  28. Lynn says:

    I lost my relationship w/my bf of 6 years about two weeks ago. I found out in the worst way possible he cheated on me, I found out due to his account being hacked. His “friends” account was hacked too and that’s when I found out he’d been talking to and meeting a “girl” from the United Kingdom now she thinks she’s pregnant by him. She says she wants to move to the states I pray its not his and that she doesn’t move. He went from loving me two weeks ago, to not knowing who he wants, then to loving me as a friend. Idk how to feel about this or what to think. I think I went into shock last night, I was so cold Its like I couldn’t get warm enough. Also he has a son which I love like he’s my own. Before this he and I were talking about getting married. They’re my family !

  29. Christine Were says:

    My boyfriend of 10 months and i broke up after we had an argument about pictures of a woman he had downloaded fron FB.My boyfriend is always flirting and chatting with other gals in FB and they also exchange mobile numbers and plan to meet.When i confronted him about his behaviour he told me that FB chatting and flirting is not cheating and tha if i was uncool with that then i had a big problem.I told him that if he wanted to maintain a long term relationship he should avoid temptations as FB flirting is shady and breaks this rule.So when i asked about the pics of the gal he told me it was his cousin which is a lie as she is one of the gals he flirts with.
    I told him that i felt he was cheating and the gal in the pic was not his cousin but he told me he will not discuss anything about the gal with me.Before that he had changed and was rude to me and most of the time he was arguing and i felt someting was wrong though i could figure it out.But since he doesnt want us to talk about the pics i decided to end the relationship and he seems ok with it.I feel bad and i know its for the best to let the relationship end but i loved him so much and i really miss him and i wish things were differnt.I dont know how to cope.I feel bad that i wasted a whole year with him

  30. Ariana says:

    I need some advice,,
    Its been 4 days since i have called of the relationship with my husband, im 23 and he is 31 but doesnt act like it!
    we had been together for 4 years and 4 months and 12 days,, the problem with him is alcohol… he puts that first rather than me and my daughter,
    i had dealt with him and his drinking up until october 2011, i gave him the ultimatum ,, i told him either he quit drinking or moved out,, he took the easy way out and move out ,, only for 2 weeks and during those 2weeks he was begging for a opportunity to show me he could change .
    AND here the foolish me accepted,he kept his word for 3 months but this past wednesday jan 18,2012
    he left to charlotte to work (CONTRACTOR) thats where his family(alcoholics) live… so since i wasnt around to hold the leash and keep him in line he went back to drinking…
    i had clearly warned him that this was his last chance , so he calls me and i tell him this is it and he responds saying thats whay you told me last time!!!isnt that funny!
    he takes my words as a joke!
    he has been over in charlotte for 4 days and is still drinking and yet he says he is SORRY!!!
    but he keeps doing that!!
    he is very sure that when he gets tired of drinking and start to miss the family atmosphere he had here im going to let him right back in my life!!

  31. Jennifer says:

    My boyfriend just broke up with me two days ago. He said he just wanted time for himself and for him to be “me” for a while. I asked him if that meant he wanted me back in the future and he said, I don’t know. He told me after he had met my parents that I was treating him like a husband figure, but he was acting like one too. I don’t have a lot of cash right now because I lost my gi bill for college and don’t have a job, but just found one yesterday. Anyways, I would ask him if it was ok to buy some discount paint to paint the walls, and he would tell me no you don’t need to do that. Then he later told me, that was treating him like a husband figure, if I wanted to go out and buy some paint to paint the whole house then do it, and not to ask him it was my life. But, if I would have done that he would have gotten so mad at me, so that is why I would ask. Well, DUMB me. He would come over all the time and I try to encourage him that lets just have fun and not see each all the time, just be a bf and gf. He wouldn’t. He hid conversations with other people from me. But when he changed his relationship status on facebook, a girl asked him, are you alright and he said, I’m good. It sucks that Jennifer couldn’t make me happy. She will make someone happy one day. and then the girl said, don’t worry you will find the girl of your dreams one day. It broke my heart that he posted something for everyone to see. He treated my son like he was his own. And now he is gone from his life. It is really hard to cope with now, but I’m doing all I can to battle this bad feelings I have so I can move on.

  32. eko says:

    i currently am going through a broken relationship. the lady i tot i loved very much and who loved me so so much, and have been with for 3 years just suddenly left me for some other guy. i tot it was kind of joke until 3 days ago when she was bold enough to paste the guy’s picture on her facebook page addressing him as MINE. i was supposed to go pay her parents a visit in december 2011, it was that same month that she broke this precious heart.

    its so so difficult for me, deeper than i have ever imagined, i cant explain the heat and dept of the pain because i truelly loved her. i hope to get over this time and 1 day look back and realise it was all for my good

  33. Lainee says:

    My boyfriend broke up with me official last week. It was his birthday last month and I planned I whole night of out to the theatre and to a restaurant he’s never been to and wanted to try. Well the show when well and then we went to dinner. It was also the same day I received a new phone, he asked me to put it away and I agreed until after. While we waited for the check, I took the phone out to turn on back the volume. I was so engrossed that I didn’t see when the check came. When I looked up he was paying the bill. I asked why didn’t he alert me to the check being there. He said he already asked me to put the phone away and now was so upset he had to pay for his own birthday meal. When we got outside, he was going to walk the wrong way to the car. We started walking and the next thing I knew,he stopped walking with me and walked the other way. He said I did not immediately offer an apology and I was walking fast ahead as if he did something wrong. It was cold that night and he walked 12 blocks to the subway to get home. I didn’t run after him. I went to get the car first because the garage was closing. I texted and called him apologizing and asking where he was so I could drive him home. After all we came together. I admit I was wrong, but the whole incident apparently hurt him so bad. He called off the relationship. I am devastated and trying to heal. I never thought this would happen over something like this. This was our 2nd disagreement. I offered to take him out again properly but he refused. Yet he’s upset I did not offer the money he paid for dinner back. Help!

  34. Sandy says:

    Here’s the hard part about how society views relationships and so much of the surviving breakup advice – it assumes that the relationship was long term, it assumes that breakup occurs because of one or the other’s bad behaviour, it assumes a lot of things that are not my case. My relationship was only several months old, but we were doing well – we shared similar goals, needs and wants, we communicated well, we were happy together. Out of the blue, he started to experience latent grief about his dead spouse and couldn’t cope with that and our relationship. He ended it with me and I am devastated. It doesn’t matter that we were not seeing one another that long – our feelings were deep – and although intellectually I understand his need to break it off, it doesn’t diminish the pain and then add on top of that frustration because people keep saying – be thankful you weren’t a year down the road, be glad it happened this soon. Why do people assume it couldn’t have been as serious a commitment over a longer term. It STILL hurts – it STILL feels like I have had my world turned up side down – and more so because I really didn’t see it coming. There was no reason to believe this would happen and I truly believe he was just as blind-sided by it. BUT knowing that almost makes it harder and I am just devastated.

  35. maria says:

    my boyfriend of 5 years cheated on me with a coworker for 4 months when i found out i was destroyed but i didnt leave him, but the relatioship was really damage we fight almost everyday. a week a ago he saw i was texting a old friend from back home one of the meassges said i was looking for a wasy out of the relationship with my boyfriend my boyfriend got mad when he saw i said that and braak up with me, the same day he broke up with me he deleted me from his facebook and add the girl he cheated on, that was more painfull so i text him and call him like crazy he was really mean on his texted i told him days ago i lied about using birth control and that i think im pregnat he go even worse and told me if i go near him he will kill me he also had a naked picture of me and told me if i have that baby he would post that picture on facebook i didnt know what to do i go scared but if i am pregant i want to keep my baby. i went over his house to get all my stuff i had there and he was there and he was really mean with me and say i messed up his life and that he dont trust me and if i want we can be friends but right now he jsut cant be with me he too mad i lied about the birth control. i know i lie but i think he is over reacting because 2 days after he left me he was having dinner with the other girl , in a week he got really agressive with me i just can take it. it hurt so mcuch i never expect it from he ask the whole summer for a baby but i alwsy say no and when i finally ganna give what he been asking for he doestnt want it im very hur i dont know him anymore, he texted last night saying he love me and adore me but right know hes too hurt because i lied to him but after he heal his pain will be get back together. and i think he just saying that to have on hold just in case it doesnt work with the other girl

  36. Mr. Niceguy says:

    I have been in a relationship for a while and my partner said to me that she needs time and to give her her space. She was in an abusive relationship about 7 months ago and I am guessing that she is still getting over it. Well about 3 weeks ago she said that she wanted to be friends and nothing more. We have been living together for over a month now with a child on the way. I am trying my best to give her her space and she is slipping away from me further and further. Before all of this happened, we used to talk, look at each other,we used to be a very happy couple. Now she can’t look at me, talk to me,she is being hostile verbally towards me. I have a heart of gold and therefor i get easily hurt.With all of this I can no longer sleep, I rarely eat and my life is spiraling downhill at a rapid rate. Is there any suggestions that can help me?

  37. Rebecca says:

    Hi, I was with my boyfriend for two years and love him very much. Recently things have started to go downhill and we don’t see each other very much. I decided to end the relationship two days ago as I feel it would be unfair on him to carry on when I know the relationship is not working.He is finding it very hard to cope and feels like he has no one to talk to as we are like best friends. I can’t stop thinking about how much I have hurt him and its killing me to see him so upset. He says he doesn’t know what he will do without me and he tells me he doesn’t know how to cope with the breakup. Is it possible he could never get over the relationship? I’m worried he will be upset forever and will never be able to move on. Please help

  38. Dear Melanie,

    I am very sorry I missed your comment. I wish I’d seen it earlier, and I hope you’re doing better after all this time has passed. Time really is one of the best tips for surviving a breakup when your relationship ends.

    I wrote this article with you in mind:

    Words of Comfort When Your Heart is Broken

    I know it’s probably too late, and I just want you to know that I’m sorry. If you’re still around, I’d love to know how you’re doing.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  39. Melanie says:

    Hi, I’ve been officially broken up for 2 weeks now. In my mind and heart, however, it feels more like a month. My boyfriend and I used to live together, and a couple of weeks back from a fabulous vacation that we took abroad, he told me that he wanted to move out. That was a month ago. As you can imagine, I was stunned and devastated. I really should have known that it was going to end soon though, there were plenty of signs. He stopped visiting with my family as often, was less physically affectionate, and spent more time alone or with other people that didn’t include me. Either way, I’m in pain, and am struggling with the moving-on process. Several of his belongings are still in my (or, our previously shared) apartment, which only makes things more difficult. I know that I’ll see him a few more times until all of his things are out. That only makes everything drag on further. I’d appreciate any words of encouragement that anyone could offer. We were together for over 4 years. I really thought we’d get married soon. Instead, he told me that he doesn’t feel love for me anymore, and that he wants to date other people. How can I get past this?

  40. Armaita says:

    all this talk about “letting go” and “moving on”. The problem with this, is no one tells you HOW to do it. I know he was not what I thought he was, I know I am better off without him, I know that it was not my fault, etc. that does NOT help. I love who I love. I have been to many sites, read many books, spoke to many people, and everyone says the same thing. distract yourself and let go. I did all the tips and tricks and it has been a year and everyday I want to die. But i spend the day doing what all the sites and books say, but it is not working. Dont say “you need to let go”. I know I need to let go, that is obvious. What I need is to know HOW to let go. I moved to a new town, new friends, new job, new hobbies, etc. That does not take away the pain or the hole left in my soul.

  41. My blog was started to chronicle the first 100 days of my breakup. I have no idea what to expect and how it will go. But I am sure there will be ups, downs, regrets, doubts and moments where I am down right mad. I have broken up, gone back, been disappointed and know there are millions of people who have done the same. Follow me through this process, add your thoughts, experiences and advice! One thing I do know is that it is time to move on for the 100th time ONCE AND FOR ALL!

  42. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hey Carlos,

    Thanks for your tip on surviving a breakup! I’m glad it helped you.

  43. Carlos says:

    I bought a manual called save a breakup system from http://www.saveabreakup.com and I gotta admit it helped me a lot, this manual teaches you tricks how to get your ex back, how to heal a broken heart, and how to breakup if you want to..I love it and it works great.

  44. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    “Real love does not play games” — I love that, Shirl! Thank you.

    There are so many different ways to survive a breakup, I’m writing an ebook about them! It’ll contain 75 ways to let go of someone you love…and there’s something for every personality and every situation :-)

    In the meantime, Trish, don’t feel like you need to get over this breakup in less than two weeks, by the time school starts! Getting over someone you love takes time, and is full of progress and setbacks. So don’t put that pressure on yourself — it just creates anxiety and fear.

    Instead, take a deep breath. Focus on enjoying the next two weeks, doing healthy activities (hikes, swims, summertime activities), sleeping well, being productive by getting ready for college, and even setting goals for your first semester.

    Shake off the negatives, and start focusing on the exciting parts of being a college student. You might also look into clubs or groups on campus — start something new in your life!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  45. Trish says:

    thank you both so much. It really means a lot and Shirl knowing you went through it really helps. I have to go back to school in 2 weeks. I am so scared to see them together. The girl he is dating is scary, she is a fighter and she is loud. I am quiet and reserved. I dont know how to act or how it will be? I need to get over this in 14 days. I have NO time to waste. I havent spoken to him in a full week. I need to move on and get over them so this doesnt hurt me at school. Any suggestions?

    Thank you all so much.

    If I do hear from him do not worry, I will NOT answer. I will leave him hanging, but I do not think he is going to contact me anymore, I think he is over me and really into his new LOVE. ugh.

  46. shirl says:

    I have gone through two years with an exboyfriend who was stringing me along and I allowed it. I believed that the problems in our relationship were all my doing so I tolerated him breaking up with me and seeing me here and there. I found out he was seeing other women and still is. The lies and the playing games are unfair. I have learned that it takes two people to make problems or work them out. You do not deserve what he has done to you. I think he is seeing how this other woman is and keeping you on the side. Please trust me when I say that you cannot be there for him anymore. I did that exact thing and it has been going on and on with him now thinking it can go on. No more. My ex moved on fast too. That is not love, it is more like lust and the excitement of something new. Do not take his calls. No contact. It is hell but it will be worse for you if you talk with him. Real love does not play games. He just wanted to have you hold on. If there is a chance for things to change, let go and let him have his new so called love. Only then will he miss you and not have the convenience of you being there and him knowing it.

  47. Trish says:

    Hi. Thank you for your reply. Do you have any help in which I can STOP thinking or wondering what him and my “friend” are doing? I just get so upset and I need to move on. It is hard for me to move on because for a full month he was telling me that he still loves me, now all of a sudden he is “in love” with her?

    I just don’t understand how he went from me to her.. her and I are two completely different people.

    any help?

  48. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Trish,

    I’m sorry to hear that your boyfriend ended your relationship…that’s really hard to take.

    The most important thing to remember is that love isn’t a competition. She’s not better than you, and you’re not better than her. You’re two different people, with different strengths and weaknesses. For some reason, your boyfriend finds her more appealing — but that doesn’t make her BETTER than you. It just means he and you aren’t meant to be together.

    I encourage you to think about your relationship. If it was solid and loving, then he wouldn’t have broken up with you….so rather than focusing on her or them, I think you’d be better off figuring out how you contributed to the best and worst parts of your relationship. Learn! Grow. Get some insight into your personality. What makes you a great girlfriend? What makes you a challenging girlfriend? Maybe you could build on your strengths and at least be aware of your weaknesses….you don’t have to change who you are. Just be open to your own foibles and quirks.

    I wrote this article for you — it has more tips for surviving a breakup — you just have to substitute the word “husband” for “boyfriend”!

    My Husband Left Me for Another Woman – 6 Breakup Survival Tips

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  49. Trish says:

    Hi. My name is Trish. I was dating my boyfriend Max for two years. I spent four months away in another country and we decided we would be friends. Two weeks before I came back, he told me he wanted to be with me again and would be the best boyfriend ever. When I returned home I heard that he was “seeing” someone in my sorority. She is an acquaintance, but I still am with her a lot and know her well enough. I told him it was me or her and he choose me. We hung out for a few weeks and I told him he would have to prove himself because I don’t know if I can trust him after hearing he was with this girl in my sorority, Logan. I went to Florida with my family and Max was texting me the whole time, he said he wants to try and get back togehter. Two days later, He told me he was now offically dating Logan and that I should leave him alone. So I did just that, I left him alone. Three weeks later I ran into him and Logan. They were shocked to see me. Max texts me three days later telling me it was great to see him. Little did I know Logan was out of town for 10 days. Max begged to see me and he told me he was still in love with me and he missed me and that he was going to break up with Logan. Once Logan came back he never spoke to me and obviously he never broke up with her. Then he wanted to see me again because he did not want me to move on. He told me he would see me every day even though he has a girlfriend. When Logan was gone again for a weekend he contacted me. I told him I was with someone else (even though I am not) and he did not seem to care. Why did he tell me he loves me and would break up with her? Now they are all happy and IN LOVE. I am so upset because I dont want my boyfriend of 2 years to be dating this girl Logan. I feel like this girl beat me and I know I am better then her, it just makes me sad that he choose HER over ME.

    HELP!!!! what do you think?

  50. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Kelly,

    The interesting thing about your comment is that you didn’t mention anything good about your husband. Why are you staying with him? What are you getting from your relationship? All you mentioned were the negative parts — the reasons your relationship ended.

    So, my first suggestion is to figure out why you’re still with him — why you’re still in this unhappy, unsatisfactory relationship!

    My second suggestion is to decide what you want your marriage to look like. One home? Couples counseling so you communicate better? Less fighting? Make a list of things that make your marriage ideal. Then, make a sublist of things that achieve that goal. For instance, if you want one home, then outline the steps that will get you both living in one home — such as him moving in with you, which requires him to be on board. If he isn’t on board, then you can’t have your ideal relationship with him. If that’s the case, then maybe you need to be focusing on surviving the breakup and moving on!

    If you decide to end the relationship, you might find this article helpful:

    How to Stick to Your Decision to Leave Your Marriage

    If you’d like tips on building a better marriage, let me know! I’ve got those too….

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  51. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Dru,

    I’m so sorry I missed your comment until now. If you’re still checking back on this comments forum, please let me know how you are!

    Laurie

  52. Kelly says:

    Ive not done this before, I just don’t know where else to turn. I’ll try to keep it short…Was married 16 years this is the second time for separation. Once his choice but this time mine (at first). This time I was the one who had enough, I wanted out. I just knew “the grass was greener” anywhere else! Our 13yr old daughter(at time of sep) had begun to cut herself due to our fights. I found it out from a poem she had wrote. When I showed it to him he laughed. He laughed!!! Even though I had told him how serious this was. Ok, thats how it ended. That was 1 year 5 months ago. Still separated, but spending alot of time together. Really as though we are married and one big happy family, just 2 seperate homes! Problem, I want 1 home, he likes it “the way it is” as he puts it. If it gets to much like 1 home he pulls away and Im back feeling alone. The independant WOMAN says, “dont give more that I get and just DONT GIVE until I get what I want”. The other says I like it the same as he does. I enjoy my freedom also!! Back to the 2 homes. It is no longer financially happen (emotionally) either. I want a (MY) family and home, no more his or mine!! HELP WHAT DO I DO?! I HONESTLY DONT KNOW?!! I WILL TAKE ANY HELP I CAN GET!!!!!! PLEASE!

  53. Dru says:

    I have been in a physical and emtional abusive relationship for off and on for five years. I feel I as much emtionally abusive at the end as he was. He put me in the hosptial twice during this time. He bruised my kidneys twice.
    I cannot seem to leave this person. When I do get away and things start going well for me he shows up. I suddenly stop my progress and go back to him. Now he is trying to break away and I am chasing after him no matter how bad he treats me.
    I feel like I am losing my mind. I can’t stop myself.

  54. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Annie,

    I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time surviving this breakup! That hardest part of when a relationship ends is often the first few weeks.

    It sounds like your weak spot is calling him at the end of the day. It’s like the habit of mindless snacking — most people eat more food at the end of the day, when they’re tired and unable to make good decisions! That’s you: you’re tired, lonely, and maybe even stressed at the end of the day, so you call your ex-boyfriend.

    I encourage you to do something different. Instead of calling him, make a pact with a friend that you’ll call her instead. Or, go to Pilates class, out for a walk, or for a bike ride. Instead of calling him, write in your journal or take a bubble bath. The idea is to distract yourself by doing something else — because you KNOW that calling him isn’t a good idea, and you KNOW you want to survive this breakup!

    You need to tap into your strength, courage, and wisdom. It’s there inside of you…….but you need to help yourself by using it to get over this relationship.

    Try that for 2 or 3 weeks — doing something you love to do instead of calling him — and let me know how it goes, okay?

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  55. annie says:

    I had arelaionship for 2and a half years now.my boyfriend and me had many problems bt always sorted it out among ourselves until he went 2 pune 6 months back.after that he became a changed person givin me less or no time at all.he started ignorin my calls and get irritated whenever i asked him any questions.he kept sayin that it is necessary for our future but somehow i didnot believe him and realised that it is the end.today i m trying 2 get over him bt i cant.whatever i do i end up caling him at the end of the day and get insulted over and over again.i am suffering terribly.i cant sleep,nor do any work or talk normally to people.i tried hard 2 get back 2 normal life bt couldnt.please help me.

  56. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Amanda,

    Surviving a breakup and healing from a relationship that was four years long can take a long time, especially if you were happy with your boyfriend. It sounds like you and he were very connected and had been through a lot together…which of course makes letting go and moving on much more difficult.

    But, you can have fond memories and an attachment to someone who you just can’t be in a relationship with. You may even still love him a little…but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together, or that you’ll have a strong happy relationship.

    I’m glad you’re in a new relationship, and encourage you to focus on building a healthy connection with him. You might also consider seeing a counselor for a session or two, to get specific ideas for getting closure on your old relationship. Sometimes we just need to talk our feelings through with someone who is objective and supportive.

    I wish you all the best, and hope you find closure from your past relationship, and happiness in your new one!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  57. amanda says:

    My former partner and I broke up after he was out of town and got into an orgy with other people. He called me the next morning with such hurt and regret and was willing to do anything to work things out. We had been together over 4 years and had planned a future together. I told him I needed space and time apart and to myself. He had been seriously depressed in our relationship for sometime after remembering previous childhood sexual abuse during a counseling session. After our breakup I know that he was at the lowest point in his life, and I felt that getting back together would not be good for either of us.
    It’s over 4 years later now, and by some circumstances we are in the same place again. We have both been away for 4 years.
    Just being back in the same environment, seeing mutual friends, I think of him a lot. I’ve tried so hard to work on closure but I can’t seem to get it. I have forgiven him for what he did completely. And I feel a little guilt for abandoning him during this low point in his life, but because his actions hurt me I knew I needed to make my own space and be selfish for awhile.
    I am in a long distance relationship now. It hasn’t been an easy one, but I have been able to imagine myself with this person as a future partner. It is further complicated by not being able to be in the same place as we are US-Canadian couple. I am not ready to give up on this new relationship as I think there is real potential there but my heart and mind are in such confusion. I want to see my former boyfriend to gain closure, but I also find myself daydreaming of being happy in a relationship with him again.
    I never would have thought healing from this relationship would take just as long as the relationship itself?!!!

  58. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Dear Jamie,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. He’s wrong when he says that it doesn’t matter that he texts and emails other women…that IS a form of cheating, and it is harmful for your relationship.

    Yes, I believe people and patterns can change…but only if they see the problem and if they want to change. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand how much his contact with other women hurts your relationship, then he won’t be motivated to change. And if he’s not motivated, then change is awfully difficult.

    I think you know that you shouldn’t be with him, but you’re heartbroken that your relationship ended. You don’t want to be alone, he’s wonderful in so many ways, you love him, and maybe it’ll be a long time before you love like this again. I totally understand that…but I encourage you not to settle for second best. He’s not treating you with love and respect, and you deserve a man who does.

    So, I encourage you to survive this break up by focusing on the type of relationship and man you want. Grieve this loss, and focus on the future. You WILL love and laugh again, and you will wonder why it took you so long to let go of a man who wouldn’t let go of his past girlfriends.

    I hope you heal quickly — let me know how things are going in a few weeks!

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  59. jamie says:

    I am struggling so badly. I dated a wonderful – well in most ways – man since April. He spends his time with me – but cheats thru texting and email to other women. I have broken it off several times, but always ended up going back. We always broke up over his unwillingness to give up contact with former girlfriends. He thinks because he spends time with me – the other doesn’t matter. I know in my heart it does – but I love him with all my heart. I recently broke it off again, but am dying of a broken heart right now. Can patterns like his ever change? He says he loves me. My head and heart are in such conflict.

  60. Raven says:

    Thanks for the advice Laurie. My guilt is more of me failing to be there with all my heart and I don’t like to fail. I guess it really pains me because we kept in touch and now when I want to move on it complicates matters. I am trying not to talk to her as I used to and I know she likes to hear talk to me and likes that I listen to her concerns/worries. Having her in my life and my new girlfriend is NOT good since I just get reminded of the good times and bad times, and the failures of our relationship. I am trying to give 100% of a happy me to my new girlfriend. I know I have to let go and not talk to her anymore, for the sake of my new relationship (of which I am very happy about).

    Once again thanks for the advice. It really helps to hear your thoughts.

  61. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Raven,

    There’s nothing wrong with you, my friend. You’re a normal person who loved and lost. It’s HARD to survive a breakup, to let go of someone you love. And, it’s difficult to be a nice guy and feel like you’re turning your back on someone you once cared about.

    My husband felt similarly about his ex-girlfriend, but he eventually had to let her go completely in order for us to build a strong marriage. It’s sad, and difficult, but it’s usually the best thing for new love relationships (unless you have kids together, in which you just learn to blend the past with the present).

    Regarding your feelings of guilt: guilt is only appropriate when you’ve done something wrong. Did you do something wrong in your prior relationship? If so, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. But remember, breaking up with someone is not something to feel guilty about. Not doing your best in a relationship isn’t something to feel guilty about. Maybe you made mistakes, but you need to forgive yourself and move forward.

    If you’re really struggling, I suggest seeing a counselor. An objective person can help you sort through your appropriate feelings of loss and sadness, and your possibly inappropriate feelings of guilt or responsibility.

    My final thought is to learn how to let go of someone you love. Here’s a link to an article on letting go of someone you love — it’s one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips, which shows how common and normal your feelings are!

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love

    I hope this helps a little, and invite you to update me anytime!

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  62. elizabeth ambrose says:

    this one helped me. thanks so much..

  63. Raven says:

    What is wrong with me? I was in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years. The last year was very hard on her and me. I feel guilty for not being able to be there for her 100% and truly let my love for her overcome things that bothered and concerned me. She has health problems, was unemployed for over 1.5 years, had problems finding a job in her field, difficult family health issues too and relationship issues with her mom/sibling. I didn’t have any of that in my life prior to her and it took over 9 months before she even had me visit her at her apartment (guess she was afraid of a new guy in her life). I felt guilty because I couldn’t see beyond the negative or be there for her with all her troubles. I know there were great times we shared together but I just feared the future with all the issues. Especially if we had kids and she continuing to have health issues.

    Well we kept talking daily for a long time afterwards. I guess we didn’t want to let go and I was trying to still be there as her friend. We still had feeling for each other and it reared its head when we would just go out to hang out for dinner. It put us in an awkward situation when we talked about it but we didn’t really didn’t let it go on further than that but as you know it’s awkward the next morning.

    I guess talking was not good because I hurt her when she found out I had moved on partially. I haven’t really had a girlfriend since her. But now I met somebody and do like her but I didn’t know how to let the other know or even stop talking to her. Guess I was so used to having an ear to listen to me and the fact she was somebody I did really care/love. Over the past months I have tried to ween myself from talking to her. I feel GUILTY for not being there for her now, she still has her issues and I guess feels that I am one of the few people (non-family or female) that truly knows her physical issues. It tears at me and at the same time I want to give and put my energies to the new woman in my life. I talked to my new girl once about my ex and she was hurt a little when I would bring her up on her struggles and me wanting to help.

    It has been so long since we were a couple and I guess talking was the not good. Now I am just looking for advice. What is wrong with me? I want to be a nice guy and help all, that is how I was raised. BUT it hurts that I can’t go forward and give 100% to my new life. Why can’t I let go? I hate feeling guilty? I know I was not perfect and I know LOVE should be everything about a relationship but I just was not strong enough to overlook or not let the negativity get to me.

  64. Kyle says:

    Thanks, Laurie.

  65. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Kyle,

    Is it possible for you to get a different job? It sounds like there’s alot of complications with this woman in your office — especially now that your reputation is on the line at work! This isn’t just about surviving a breakup; it could affect your career.

    One of my thoughts is to find a way to re-establish your reputation at work. But you’ve mentioned that your friends say to let it go, and since they have more details than I, I’m wondering if that isn’t a better route? I don’t know — and I can’t give advice like that. But, I do suggest you consider finding a different job.

    Getting revenge will backfire. It won’t work in the long run, professionally or personally. Your friends are right about that.

    But, setting the record straight so your career doesn’t suffer is something to consider.

    And regarding her being with other men and your relationship being over with her: one of the best ways to survive a breakup is to avoid seeing the person. It’s difficult to heal and move on when you see each other every day. And since you aren’t bound together by children, you don’t necessarily need to see each other now that the relationship is over!

    This, too, leads me to suggest finding a new job. I know that it may not be easy and there’s all sorts of complications I’m aware of, but living and working in the pain you’re in certainly isn’t easy either.

    That’s all I have, my friend. I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best. Feel free to update me anytime…and don’t forget my first suggestion, about getting a counselor’s advice in person. That may help you more than you know.

    Laurie

  66. Kyle says:

    Well, the truth of the matter is, i can’t even talk to her…because she is part of the office staff, and talking to her may just blow everything into proportions. I did try to clarify things (after the getting hurt part of the story), but she ended up not talking to me. My friends say i shouldn’t have done anything because i looked like a defenseless schmuck. But I did it with all heart even if she had hurt me so bad. She falsely accused me of doing something bad within the office and it’s not even true. Heaven knows her whole department already knows about it, but it’s frustrating that it’s not true. Y’see, I fell in love, I got hurt, and now she thinks I’m such an a-hole, the story does not make sense. My friends say that she’s just trying to cover up her guilt. My friends say to let it go because it’s going to come around and back to her eventually. That’s why I still feel angry and want my revenge. My reputation is also on the line in the office.

    Please help. Imagine being accused of something you didn’t do by somebody who hurt you just a few days back. It was very cunning of her to turn things around, but twisted, too. I don’t think i deserve it. I still feel angry, sad and lost at the same time…but I know I cannot have the relationship again because she is out there exploring other men, if you know what i mean…I am still hurting. Please help…

  67. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Zuri,

    I suggest just being friends with him, and not pressuring him to get back together. He’s probably confused and hurt — you broke up with him 2 weeks ago, and now you want to get back together? That’s difficult for someone to deal with! He may be wondering if you’ll do it again, if he can trust you, and if he’ll get his heart broken again. That’s why he’s saying he’s moved on — he’s protecting himself.

    Accept his offer of friendship. Spend time with him, and let the romantic chemistry you had before do its work. If you’re meant to be together again, it’ll happen naturally. He knows you want to get back together, so don’t pressure him or chase him.

    Also, remember that we often want what we can’t have! Do you want to get back together with him because you genuinely love him, or because you don’t have him anymore? Just something to think about.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  68. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Kyle,

    I’m sorry you’re having so many problems with your girlfriend — it doesn’t sound like you need help surviving a breakup, it sounds like you need help forgiving her and moving on!

    Getting back at her won’t help you build a healthy, happy love relationship. If you want to stay with her, you need to forgive her, accept her apology, and move on without being suspicious. If you can’t do that, then you might need to let her go. I don’t think you can do both: feel angry every day and get back at her, and build a happy relationship at the same time.

    It sounds like you’re very confused about her actions and her intentions. I suggest telling her how much her actions hurt you, and how difficult it is for you to move on and forget about it. Talking about it with her might help you forgive her.

    If you need help dealing with your anger and confusion, I suggest talking to a counselor or someone you trust. Figure out why it’s so difficult to forgive her, and what your best next steps are with her are (such as trying to forgive and forget, or breaking up for good).

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  69. Zuri says:

    Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago I have tried getting him back but he said he moved on. I want him back and want to work on our relationship. I took him for granted and now that he is gone I realive that. I love him but he wants to be friend what should I do?

  70. Kyle says:

    i just broke up with a girl, who i found out was a nympho, and had seen her with someone else….i confronted her about it and went through the whole drama episode…she genuinely said sorry…the next day she comes up with an issue that I did something bad during our relationship, and now she’s angry at me….though, i have not done anything wrong, i feel that i have to get back at her with a vengeance…i still feel angry everyday…did she concoct this just to get rid of her guilt? this doesn’t make sense…what should i do…should i get back at her?

  71. Cassandra says:

    I’ve known him for 6 years.All of high school and nearly 2 years of college.
    He was my first love and I guess I never really got a chance to let go.

    He wasn’t a very good person to me. Cheating on me with everyone, including my friends, drug and alcohol dependence, and just the fact that he lies to me all too easily.

    But in the last year he’s really turned a new leaf, at least it seems like it. I just can’t see a way to let go. I really just want to be happy with someone who can treat me like I deserve to be treated. But whenever I meet a really good guy it always goes into my mind how my old lover knows me so much better.

    How can I even begin to let go? I know this relationship isn’t what I want my life to be. Everytime I want to leave, I just feel like I might’ve left my soulmate that I know so well.

    I know we’re pretty codependent on one another I just don’t know how to change it.

    Thanks,
    Cassandra

  72. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for your comment, Peggy — and for re-introducing me to the word “frenemy”! I’d heard it before, but totally forgot about it.

    Hmmm…now there’s an article idea…how to cope with frenemies….

  73. Peggy says:

    Laurie – Your answer did help. I think I have not wanted to realize there could be professional jealousy. There have been little things said here and there. I have just learned about a new word: “frenemy” and I think sadly that I am experiencing this dynamic. It is the hardest saddest thing I have been through in a long time. But your words helped me. I will read your other article as well. Thanks for being there.
    Peggy.

  74. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Robert,

    I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out with your girlfriend — even bad relationships are difficult to survive!

    Surviving a breakup takes time, and it’s choice you have to make every day. Before you know it, you won’t have to choose to survive anymore; you’ll find you’ve just stopped thinking about her. Trust me, it WILL happen…it just takes time. Soon, you’ll be so grateful that she’s out of your life.

    Have you read my article “How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice”, here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals? If not, I suggest you read it — it might help. Plus, a reader just made a comment on that article a few minutes ago about surviving codependent relationships — right now, it’s the last comment on “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”, and it was by Robin. September 14.

    Here’s the live link to the article:

    How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice

    I hope that article helps — it’s all about letting go and moving on with life. And, you’ll see you’re not alone; that is my most popular article on this website!

    Read it, and let me know if anything in there might help. Also…remember that the most important tip for surviving a breakup is TIME. Time often heals wounds we never thought we’d recover from.

    Warm regards,
    Laurie

  75. Robert says:

    Hi Laurie,
    How do you forget a bad girlfriend? not a day goes by that I don’t think of her..i keep myself occupied with things to do but still she gets in my head. help in making her go away from my mind, please. been a few months now that we’re done.

  76. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Peggy,

    Welcome to Quips & Tips; I’m sorry it’s a sad event that brought you here, but am glad you found me!

    I’ve experienced the same explicable loss of a friendship, and so wrote an article called Overcoming the Unexpected Breakup of a Relationship on See Jane Soar. Just click on the article title (it’s blue, but you can barely see it), and it should take you right there.

    After doing a brief Google search on the end of friendships and maintaining professional ties, I didn’t find much. Maybe that’s another article I should write! :-)

    I suggest you remain polite and friendly. I wouldn’t bring up the friendship when you’re interacting professionally with her, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong that you asked why the friendship ended! Since she can’t or won’t tell you, you might just need to let it go. It sounds a little odd — very confusing. I imagine you feel helpless, confused, and frustrated.

    I also suggest you remain open to the idea that there are things going on that you have no idea about. Think outside the box: she could be terminally ill, she could be jealous of you, there could be professional reasons she’s cutting ties, or her husband or family could resent your friendship. We could go on ad nauseam about all the possible reasons — but it won’t get you anywhere! The bottom line is that it might help you to remain open to the idea that ANYTHING is possible…..her leaving the friendship doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with you, or that you did something wrong.

    Lastly, I’d like to pull a Dr Laura and ask you to revisit your statement that you had no clue that anything was wrong. Usually, there are some red flags — not always, but usually. Sometimes people are great pretenders and won’t admit to anything being wrong, and then they just snap and call the whole thing off. This could be her, or you may be unwilling to accept the warning signs. I don’t know — I’m just giving you something to chew on!

    I hope this has helped a little, and welcome your thoughts and questions on this or any other topic.

    Best wishes,
    Laurie

  77. Peggy says:

    Laurie – I am relieved to find your articles. Can you point me to any thing else I can read to somehow cope with and get over the inexplicable loss of a very close and intimate friendship when there was no clue in any way that anything was wrong. Asking for clarification and trying to increase communication has only resulted in more hurt. It is confounded by the fact that there is a professional connection which is likely to have to continue for quite some time. Thank you in advance for any comments you might have.

  78. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for your tips, AussieExpat! I’m glad you posted here.

    I’m glad you shared your insights — and I especially love the part about “the world is too big a place to be centred on one person making a dramatic impact on your life.” Indeed, after we break up with someone, we often think that’s the only person for us — nobody else can make us happy or understand us. Or will want to be with us! But those are NOT true, and people surviving breakups really need to remember that.

    I look forward to seeing more of you here on Quips & Tips!

    Laurie

  79. AussieExpat says:

    Hi Laurie,

    This is an interesting forum you have. I have also read many of your readers’ posts. Some of them I do not agree with in their approach, but most of them genuine and worth listening to.

    I have just come out of a very toxic relationship. In the beginning, I wanted out as I knew there were few healthy signs to a meaningful relationship. It was complicated – there were 3 kids (2 of them twins), a separation, a foreign country, much confusion, possessive traits and interference. Yet on three levels, we seemed to connect – physically, mentally, emotionally.

    At the start, despite circumstances, everything two people could want in a healthy relationship seemed to be there. Or, just about!

    Regardless of what transpires, it is always two people that at some point or other are equally responsible for what happens. Priorities need to be in place at the very beginning. And if these wain, then as adults, decisions and choices – no matter how hard they are – must be made.

    It took me months to get out of this relationship. We both knew there was no future, whilst things remained complicated with the separation. Both people need – including myself – needed to sort issues out their issues before becoming fully committed with others.

    My strongest advice to your readers though is this. Anger, over-analysing and not knowing how to be compassionate, objective and honest, will wear you down, lead to hurtful events or actions, and cause bitterness.

    If you need to move on, my best advice is to choose your friends wisely and listen to the advice of those you respect. They may come from different walks of life, but you respect them for their qualities of who they are.

    And what they see, even if they are not experiencing what it is you are personally going through, may actually be that you are not doing okay, and you really do need to get out, no matter how great the relationship may seem to be!

    If you are feeling depressed, because what has taken place has happened over time and completely worn you dry, well, you still need to think positive. Do things one step at a time, first. Then count the number of things that you have positive going for you. Repeat this once or twice a week. I can assure you, after 2-4 weeks, you are already moving forward and able to map progress in your self and own empowerment.

    The most important relationship though, is that with your self, first and foremost. You have to be committed to getting this right. If you need help, seek it – but not a band aid, quick fix solution.

    Moving forward, for your readers, should be a sign that you cherish your self-esteem, respect and dignity, and that you are determined to come out on top.

    Get out of a difficult relationship, or a great relationship, with this in tact over the long-term, and you have a lot you can be grateful for. This includes the one’s you’ve loved and learned to let go.

    Now, I know and believe all I am saying. But does it make me feel any better? Hell, no! Not right now, any way. But time will take it’s course. The world is too big a place to be centred on one person making a dramatic impact on your life, not to want to live and enjoy the rest of it.

    So, all this is not easy. But it is all well worth it!

    Apologies in advance – I could not find an email addie, so am posting this instead.

    Do keep me posted with more of your material and advice on this topic.

    Regards,

    AussieExpat
    (Hong Kong)

  80. Laurie PK says:

    Hi Bill,

    Have you talked to your wife about her behavior, and your suspicions that she’s cheating? That might be a good first step.

    I encourage you to try to talk to her about what might be missing in your marriage. Why is she going out without you? What can you do to meet her halfway, so you two can have a happier, more fulfilling marriage?

    That’s the best thing to do right now….and then, once you figure out where she’s at, and if she’s ready to be honest and talk openly, then you can take the next step. I don’t know what that next step might be, but you have to talk to her first!

    Good luck,

    Laurie

  81. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Nick,

    I think I’ll write an article about how to forget toxic friends. When I do, I’ll post the link here. Won’t be long!

    Laurie

  82. Bill says:

    My wife is I suspect cheating on me. I can tell that she dresses up when she goes out without me, comes home at odd hours, drops off our son at a friends house so she can go out alone and probably meet up with her lover and acts different when she’s at home like she is guilty in something she did. How do I handle this?

  83. Nick says:

    how do you forget a toxic friend?

  84. Kate says:

    Thanks Laurie for your response. I appreciate it.

  85. Laurie PK says:

    Hi Kate,

    Ugh…yes, that’s definitely cheating. What a drag — it’s too bad she can’t appreciate her husband and stay away from married men.

    Not sure what you can do, other than not supporting her in her cheating. The people you hang out with definitely rub off on you, so I’d suggest not hanging out with her. Not that cheating is “catching” or anything! Just that her manipulation and lies aren’t good juju….those nasty vibes and bad energy affects the people she’s in contact with.

    I think you’re right to stay away from it.

    Good luck,
    Laurie

  86. Kate says:

    I have a friend who’s married to a great guy. Get this though, on weekends she goes out and spends time with another married man all day and night and chats for hours online with the married man. For me, I see that as cheating already, isn’t that cheating? My friend is a really good manipulative liar. Need your input. I’m staying away from that cuz I think it’s a mess already.

  87. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for your questions, Kelly and Peter! Since they aren’t related to surviving a breakup, I moved them to different articles…

    Kelly, I moved your question “Do you believe in astrology and psychic readings? What’s your aspect on that?” to Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic.
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/mind-soul/5-tips-for-taming-your-inner-critic/

    And Peter, I moved your question “Why do people like to judge other people? is it because they are insecure of themselves so they judge? To “7 Tips for Personal Growth and Self-Development”.
    http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/mind-soul/7-tips-for-personal-growth-and-self-development/

    Thanks for being here, and I look forward to seeing you on those other threads later today…

    Laurie

  88. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Mike, I’m glad I could help!

    Regarding destiny or fate versus “making things happen”…I believe in both. For instance, my husband and I got married after 17 years of being close friends, losing contact with each other for 3 years, and then finding each other again. Were we meant to be together? Or was it because I was finally ready to get married and settle down, and so I called him (and the day I called just happened to be his birthday — is that fate?).

    I do believe in destiny or fate, but I also believe we have to take action to achieve our goals. I believe in God, but I also believe that we need take care of ourselves, to act on our own behalf, and to work hard to get what we want out of life.

    I also believe that we need to be emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy before fate or destiny “blesses” us with good things. For instance, I wasn’t ready to be married in my 20s and early 30s – maybe I wasn’t healthy enough (or, maybe I just wanted to live as a single woman for a long time!).

    To accept what fate, destiny, God, the universe, or however you look at it offers, we need to be able to reach out. We have to be aware and open-minded.

    Good question!

    Laurie

  89. Mike says:

    Laurie, you’re great! thanks for shedding some light on this. Learned something new from you and you are on point with it. I want to know when will the right time be for me? do you believe in destiny? or Fate? is there such a thing? or is it meant to be because you make it happen on the person that’s for you?

  90. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Bryce,

    When you’re making a decision in life, you go with both your gut instincts and your intellectual, rational brain. You weigh the pros and cons, figure out what the consequences are, and make a decision based on the best outcome for as many people as possible.

    I don’t think your attraction to this woman is a “gut instinct.” It’s a physical attraction — but that’s not the same as your gut. I admire your decision to keep away from this woman — because affairs with married women rarely offer the “best outcome for as many people as possible.”

    Limiting your contact with her is a great idea. And, remember that just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have to act on it! You’ll be attracted to many women throughout your life….but that doesn’t mean you fool around with them. It’s just a physical attraction. Those feelings come and go, and they’re not based on thoughtful, wise life decisions.

    Accept that you feel attracted, be sad that it’s to bad that she’s married, and keep your eyes open for single, available, interesting women! And remember — even when you get married, you’ll still be attracted to people. But, you (hopefully) won’t act on that attraction because you’re a rational, thoughtful, moral human being (not an animal).

    Get out and meet fun people — do interesting things with available women! Leave us old married ladies alone 😉

    Laurie

  91. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hi Mike,

    Your question (was your friend born with certain personality traits, or did she learn them?) is something psychologists and scientists have studied for years….without finding an answer! It’s the old “nature versus nurture” debate.

    Some experts believe we are born with certain personality traits, and our environment affects them to some extent. Others believe that our environment totally shapes who we are, and the personality traits we’re born with aren’t as important. I think most experts believe that it’s a combination of innate characteristics and our environment (parents, siblings, society, schools, etc) that make us who we are.

    The only way to find out for sure how much we learn from our surroundings is to take two identical twins and raise them in two different environments. Then, watch them as they grow up: are the same, or different? If they’re the same, then nature is the key factor. If they’re different, then nuture is it.

    So there’s no easy answer — but I suspect she was allowed to be selfish for most of her life, so she treats people with disrespect. We’re ALL born with a selfish streak (to help us survive!), but most of us have parents who teach us to consider other people’s feelings and needs.

    Her parents may not have taught her to respect others….which means she might have to learn it as an adult. If, that is, she runs into people who confront her about her behavior. Or, she might never learn how to treat others well….

    I hope this helps to answer your question!

    Laurie

  92. Bryce says:

    Do you go with your gutt instinct when you make a choice or decision in your life? I like this woman but she’s married. I am staying away from her because my feelings for her are strong and I know its not the right to do. I spent time with her and that’s how the feelings developed. This is not good I know but I’ve been keeping myself busy to remove her from my head. What else can I do?

  93. Mike says:

    Thanks Laurie. I just don’t get a friend like that. Is that a trait that they learned from someone else or are they born with that attitude? I looked up what an energy vampire is and you’re right on the money. That’s so her. I felt like she just used me and took me for granted. I’m single and the type of guy to appreciate the people in my life.

  94. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Hmmmm…it sounds like you already know what her problem is! She’s selfish and disrespectful, and she doesn’t care about your feelings. She sounds a little unstable, too. Maybe she acts on impulse, before she thinks, and that’s why she changed her mind about being friends with you.

    Have you ever heard of an “energy vampire”? That’s what she sounds like. Google that phrase, and you’ll learn what it means….I bet your friend fits the description!

    Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with her anymore – she doesn’t sound like a real friend, anyway. That “breakup” won’t be hard to survive, I wouldn’t think!

    Good luck
    Laurie

  95. Mike says:

    I have a friend who is extremely disrespectful to me and is very selfish. All she thinks about is herself. she is draining when I hangout with her. she emailed me and said that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and so I said ok with me. then she emailed me back again and said friends have disagreements and she wants to still be friends with me. like what is her problem? she is playing with me?

  96. Kristin says:

    5 years after my husband abandoned my 2 month old son and I and moved back to Italy to avoid paying child support I met a wonderful man and began dating him. My 5 year old son loved him as well. 2 months into our relationship I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My new boyfriend assured me he loved me and wanted to see me through this and that we would get through it together.
    Well, he lasted about as long as my hair did. He dumped me shortly after my 4th chemo treatment while I was very sick. We were together for a total of 8 months but because of the situation my son and I had to move in with him so our relationship took on a much greater degree of intensity for the amount of time we were together. He said he just didn’t think he was ready for a long term relationship. He is 49 with 2 teenagers and divorced for 6 years before I met him.
    We ended things amicably because he did help me out so much for the 4 of 16 treatments I had to endure. 3 weeks after we broke up I found out he had a new girlfriend(through the grapevine)which indicates to me he was probably cheating on me while I was living in his house sick from the chemo. He continues to contact me weekly. At first I told him I needed some time before transitioning to a friend only status. It’s been since Feb. since we broke up and I’ve accepted his freindship offer by resuming contact with him. I’m pretty sure he has broken up with the new girl now and he calls, emails or texts me on a weekly basis. He also wants to spend time with my son who now is 6 yrs old but he never includes me for these visitations.

    Our friendship is limited to communicating by phone, email or text and our conversations are very topical. I have since began declining on his offers to spend time with my son independent of me because I feel it’s confusing for my son who has questioned me why mommy is never included in their visits like she used to be and “since he doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore things can go back to normal”. I feel it is a bit inappropriate for such a young child to have an independent relationship with a man who is opposed to including me in their outings. I trust him with my son, but it just seems strange to me.I counter his offers by inviting him and his children to join us at the pool, at church, etc. and while he seems interested in doing this, he always cancels at the last minute do to what he calls scheduling conflicts. Also, I worry about if this guy meets a new woman, he will no longer have time for my son and my child will bear the burden of a broken heart. This man didn’t have any interest in spending time with my son until about a month ago-coincidently about the time I think he broke up with the new girl. He is always the one to initiate contact not me-but then he never makes the jump to actually have any kind of relationship with me.
    I am okay with just being friends with him, but friends have an active relationship don’t they? I am also wondering if it is probable that he has an alterior motive like wanting to ease back into dating me.

    What is your take on this and what advice would you give me moving forward. I would be lying to say I wouldn’t consider dating him again but I am also realistic enough to know I would have to contemplate that long and hard before actually agreeing to it. Then again, he hasn’t exactly given me any indication he wants to date me again. I am now finished with all my cancer treatments and the hair is growing back-about an inch and a half so I’m starting to look like my old self again(somewhat)
    Sorry for the length of this but thought you would need all the facts before giving your opinion.
    Thank you.
    Kristin

  97. Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen says:

    Thanks for stopping by, Reuben — I’m so glad I could help. And, I’m glad you recognize the “Hollywood happily ever after” myth! It destroys relationships by building false expectations (don’t get me started 😉 )

  98. Reuben says:

    Laurie, just to let you know that your comment to Vicki made my day. It helped me a lot, I have experienced something similar to Vicki and i was getting carried away the “hollywood, happily ever after”. Thanks for your words !

  99. Laurie PK says:

    Vicki, that’s great that you’ve been honest with Dave — and he’s been honest with you! A sure sign of a healthy relationship.

    How do you let go of Mark? One way is to remember that you haven’t lived with him, slept beside him for years, bought a house with him, seen him when he was sick, etc. In other words, you haven’t lived through the hardest part of love relationships with him! It’s easy to be all ga-ga and in love with someone that you haven’t lived with for years….new loves are exciting and passionate.

    But you know what? I like my “old love” better. I love our ups and downs, the fights and boring times, the great connections and intimate times. To let go of someone you’re not meant to be with, you need to focus on the great things you have in your current relationship.

    And, don’t buy into the Hollywood “happily ever after” shtick. In the movies and on TV, love is exciting and fun and romantic and passionate…….but real, commited, long-term love can’t always be like that. If it was, we’d never get any work done, we’d never achieve our other goals!

    You may have built Mark up into something amazing and wonderful in your mind. In reality, after a few years of living together, you’d find that he brings his own set of relationship problems. They may be different than Dave’s, but they’re still there.

    Just like you said: there are no negatives or painful memories with Mark. Remembering that is exactly how you get over him! He’s fresh, new and exciting…and he doesn’t have history or shared memories.

    Focus on what you love about Dave — and his amazing commitment to you. I wouldn’t push away or suppress your exciting passionate; there’s nothing wrong with it. Keep your love for Mark in your heart, and cherish it. It can exist without you having to leave Dave or uproot your life.

    What say you?

    Now I’m off to respond to your other comment — I liked that one! :-)

    Laurie

  100. Vicki says:

    I have been in a relationship with Dave for 9 years. I have felt for a long time that this was not the right relationship for me. I thought moving, and buying a house, would bring us together. Make partners of us. Things have never been bad, but they just weren’t good. They were. We lived as roommates, leading separate lives with separate interests, coming together over TV and dinner. There’s been no intimacy in years, and still, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. And then, a year ago, I met and fell in love with another man. He has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

    Now Dave knows about Mark. He finally admitted that he has been unhappy almost as long as I have. And now that we both realize our contributions to the failed relationship, Dave wants to work on things, believing we can make this work this time. I was ready to end things with Dave, and had done a lot of healing before I met Mark. Now, I feel I owe it to myself and Dave to give this a try. To see if things can be better.

    My question is, how do I let go of Mark? He has been everything I never knew I wanted. There are no negatives, no painful memories, only great ones. But I do this in order to be sure, with complete certainty, that this isn’t what I want, changes and all.

    Thanks.

  101. Laurie PK says:

    Moving forward and focusing on the positive side of life is a conscious choice that he’ll have to make every single day — or even several times a day, or several times an hour! I think focusing on “the bright side of the street” is a habit we have to cultivate, especially when bad things happen to us financially and emotionally.

    But the good news is: the more we cultivate that perspective (being grateful for what we do have, instead of bitter over what we’ve lost) – the easier it gets.

    I don’t know how you can convince your friend that he needs to consciously change how he thinks of his situation…but I do know that he’s lucky to have you as a friend, Lorraine! Being grateful for friends like you is definitely one way to be more positive about life.

    Can he do volunteer work? That often helps people feel better about their lives, and it’s also proven to improve physical health. If you or another friend volunteers somewhere, maybe he could go with you for a “test run”?

    It’s hard to help people who can’t or won’t help themselves…and it can be difficult to know what kind of help to offer. Sometimes time heals — maybe he just needs to grieve and be bitter for a season (hopefully not a long one), and then he’ll be ready to move on.

    I hope these ideas help a little! Do let me know how things are going.

    Laurie

  102. Carla Morelli says:

    Hi Lorraine,

    It’s unfortunate when people find themselves in spots that are both emotionally AND financially difficult. Those times are some of the hardest to get through. It wouldn’t be fair to comment on his situation with limited information, but without question, the emotional energy he’s investing would be more powerful and much more effective if it was focused on his future rather than on what was “done” to him.

    He alone controls what he does next – emotionally, financially, and physically. Though he is 100% disabled, there may be options for generating income that can, at a minimum, offset what is being redirected to his ex-wife. People with severe disabilities have gone on to do amazing things, and many of them will tell you they’re just regular people with an extra challenge. With the right focus, your friend could well become one of those people.

    The sooner he starts working on building a positive life, the more time he’ll have to enjoy it. Every day that he spends resenting his situation costs him one more day of feeling good, and only he can choose to change that.

    Hope this helps!

  103. Lorraine says:

    I have a male friend on SS disability and recently his exwife was able to obtain an order whereby she receives a portion of this. This man is very bitter that he has to give her this money because he feels she is able to go out and earn a living while he is 100% disabled. Can you possibly comment on this and help this man to move forward and not concentrate so much on this negative side of his life?
    Thanks

  104. Kelly Daggett says:

    Exellent! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.

  105. Laurie PK says:

    That’s one of the hardest parts of surviving a breakup – remembering the good times, and letting go of the past anyway! Most people have great qualities and most relationships are full of wonderful moments, which is party why breaking up is so hard to do.

    Best wishes getting over your ex, Debbie. Keep reminding yourself how destructive the relationship was! That may make it easier to get over him.

  106. Debbie says:

    Through researching the net, i have found that i was in an additive relationship. He was controlling. looking back, i see all the signs now. the problem is, is that i cannot seem to let go of the good times, and the feeling that my heart knows it found my soul mate, because that was how our relationship seemed. he has too many issues to deal with, and holds back on our relationship. i can no longer deal with this, but it hurts like hell. thank you for your support. i know i will get through this.

  107. Lynn says:

    Very helpful//I was in a sexless marriage 1 yr/3 mos 29 days and it hurt to leave but I was not growing//simply dying//a lot of the principles you describe/ I have actually done on my way to Healing///thx so much///Lynn

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