Comments on: Successful Second Marriages – 10 Tips for “Happily Ever After”

By: sara

sara — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 14:45:04 +0000

hi,i m sara ,i am going to get marry in this may but i m confused due to some problems,my fiance is very narrow minded and strict man,as i observe.and he wont like that i should go infront of outsider and open door etc.
should i marry

By: Laurie

Laurie — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:27:05 +0000

Dear Shefali,

Thanks for sharing your story here. I understand your reluctance to tell your fiance about your first marriage, but I honestly think you should! There will never be an exact “right” time – you may have to make the time right.

I had too much to say for this comments section, so I wrote this article for you:

How Much Should You Tell Your Fiancé About Your Past?

I welcome your comments, and really hope your second marriage is happy and successful!

Blessings,
Laurie

By: Shefali

Shefali — Fri, 06 Apr 2012 13:34:19 +0000

I belong to a very treditional Indian family who believe in society typically.

I met my ex before 1.5 Year. we were working in same company.But for more earning we started to do additional projects after office Hr.I helped him financially for all his pending matters. After 2 month he proposed me, but I refused because I knew we can’t marry due caste problem & my family strictness. But we decided to meet daily due to our pending projects. After 1 month I started to like him & I loose my control & had physical relationship with him. In india its a very big thing before marriage, espacially for me.

These days His family was forcing him get married, So He started to torture me by discussing about our physical relation again n again.I got confuse about my liking or love. Emotionally & thinking about my character I accept his proposal . We did court marriage without informing my family. His family accepted me.but I decide to live separately for 3-4 days.

But after 3-4 days, When I informed my family about my marriage, they shouted on me & refuse to accept me & him. I love my family.& they didn’t think about me like this even in dream. So I request my husband to give me time of 1 month to convince my family. But he started to torture me by saying you dont live without ur family. ur family is very bad. This & that..Also I come to know that he & his family were very week financially & as usual I ignored everything. But at the end of 1 month he told me that we should take divorce as we will fight everyday. So we took divorce by mutual understanding.

After taking divorce , I helped him financially 2-3 month. But I ignored him always.

My marriage stay only for 1 month 4 days. But now I am separate from him in all manner & there is no way to meet him in future, as I left that place & come at my home, living with my family.

Now My family has accept me. They didn’t know about my past torture. But they just want to see me happy. So they choose a suitable match for me. I also like him & I know he can become my Mr. perfect.

After 2 month I am going to marry with him.

Please let me know, I should to talk to him about my previous marriage? if yes, then when?.. It’s sure that he will not come to know about my past in any way in future..

Please help me….

By: Kate

Kate — Sun, 25 Mar 2012 21:56:14 +0000

I’ve been married 7 years and we have a 5-yr old son. I was married for ten years (a long, long time ago) and have two boys from that marriage. My oldest is married and on his own. My second oldest is 18, graduated in June from high school, tried a semester of college (quit because of cost), and lives at home. He just started working full-time and is saving for a car. He’s in by curfew, always. He doesn’t give us any trouble. He’s polite and respectful. The challenge is my husband doesn’t like his girlfriend (calls her fat and ugly…troll, etc.). He won’t let the young lady in the house (they’ve been dating a year), calls her Miss Piggy if she calls the house, and tells our 5-yr. old to call her fat and ugly. My son is STILL respectful to his step-father in light of all of this, but I see the hurt. And the snide comments are so old at this point. I’ve discussed it, gotten upset, even got to the point I told my husband I wanted to leave. I was assured that if I go, he will fight for full custody. He doesn’t want to pay child support/alimony, etc. My son was going to join the military, to get away I think, but I had a nice, long talk with him about it…letting him know that while there are great benefits, there is also an awfully high risk factor involved. He’s postponed it, and my husband is being snide about that as well. He just wants him out…and he’s the kind of person who would not let him back in. The trust is broken, I feel very betrayed and hurt. And I don’t want our child to have a broken home, I believe children should have two parents. But I’m at a total loss. How can it be repaired if my husband is just bent on being selfish and inconsiderate to those of us (his family) he should be supporting the most? And how can I get past wanting to make it up to my son, that his step-father is so non-supportive and derogatory? After all, I was the one who brought him into his life so fully. I’m so confused as to how something so wonderful for so long has turned so sour. It’s been a year now, and despite many attempts there has been no change. I’m very lost, and lost for my kids too, if that makes sense.

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 23:03:56 +0000

Dear Anton,

I’m sorry I missed your comment! Are you still around? I can’t offer marriage counseling or personal advice, but I’d love to know how you’re doing in your second marriage after all this time…

By: Anton

Anton — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 04:35:31 +0000

Dear Laurie,
I was born in Iran (not religious at all!), lived 33 years in Europe and the U.S. (back to US since 2007). In Germany, were I lived for almost 30 years, I was married with a Persian woman; we almost grew up with each other (since 1977, back in Oklahoma). I came to US in 2007 to do my masters degree (graduated in 2009). In 2008, I went to Atlanta to visit my sister, and somehow fell in love with an energetic, successful Persian woman (45) who was never married before. I came back to Nebraska (University), but decided to separate from my past life in Germany, including my wife. I started a “no-fault” divorce process; my new “love” helped me with financing lawyers etc. I moved to Atlanta (May 2009) and wanted to live there and get married again, while in the middle of the divorce process. I went to therapy (20 sessions), took Cymbalta for a while (I am gradually quitting now); and I have been wishy washy with my life in Atlanta; left my new “love” 4 times to come back to Nebraska (where my 23 year old daughter lives) because I had guilty feelings about the way I divorced my old “love” (service by publication). I left the -comfortable- Atlanta life, came back to Nebraska in July and since then, I have improved my relationship with my daughter and I chat sometimes with my ex-wife in Germany. The divorce in Germany is finished. Oh, I forgot: I got married with the new love in November 2009; (I filed for divorce from the new love 3 times since then). The court date is now set for January 31st 2011. We are in contact again (with the new love) and I have decided to stay married with her (she always wanted that and loves me very much). However, I am not sure. I think a lot about my past life, and wife; very often she is in my nightly dreams. All my past is gone; almost all our mutual friends in Germany have abandoned me; I suppose they have heard only one side of the story. Non of them has contacted me; my ex knew everything about my divorce decisions ahead of time and I think I didn’t do anything wrong. Still, those thought are with me. I am pursuing my PhD in Nebraska now, have a very good academic standing and infrastructure; have a good job at a Hotel and my new love is coming on this Wednesday to Nebraska for a visit, talk, and eventually dismissing the divorce process (for the 3rd time!). You see that I am confused. I am not sure whether this second marriage is right for me. My daughter doesn’t like the new love at all and that bothers me too. It seems that I haven’t let go from the past. My ex in Germany seems to be moving on in life. I am stock, and I don’t want to hurt the new love -again- by saying no. On the other hand, I very often feel very alone, left alone rather. I don’t know what to do. Please help! Thanks,
Amir

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 18:38:47 +0000

Dear Shaila,

I’m married to a man who was in a serious relationship for 6 years, and I can’t stand when he talks about her! The only time he talks about her is when I ask questions, and it breaks my heart a little every time. So why do I do it? Because I’m curious sometimes. We’ve been married for 5 years, very happily, and I love him to bits. I’m secure in our marriage, yet I can’t stand to hear him talk about his ex.

The best way to tell your fiancee that you’re not hung up on your ex is to STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR EX!! I’m serious. The more you talk about your ex, the worse it’ll get.

If your fiancee doesn’t understand where you’re coming from by now, then talking about your past relationship won’t help, my friend.

My advice is to make sure you’re really over your ex, and then to let her go. This means focusing on your current relationship and future marriage — and there is no room for the past in your present life.

I hope this helps — and wish you blessings on your marriage,
Laurie

By: Shaila

Shaila — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 16:05:48 +0000

I’m engaged to marry the woman of my dreams, but when we first started dating she communicated that she thought I talked about my ex too much. At that time, our mutual friend was going through a divorce and the similar circumstances often reminded me of my past. I had already been divorced for about 1 and half; possibly closer to 2 years. My instinct was to stop talking about that past marriage altogether when I was around my partner.
As we approach closer to the wedding, I want to talk about my, because I think they would help her understand where I am coming from. But, I’m terrified that she will start believing that I am hung up on my ex. How can I open a conversation that says I’m not hung up on it, but it is part of my history? Please hear me out.

By: Emily

Emily — Wed, 15 Sep 2010 16:44:27 +0000

Dear Laurie,
Thanks for your input! I have, in fact, been to my therapist several times and she says I am suffering from PTSD because of the trauma my ex’s affair caused. She was there from the beginning and is so happy for me! She thinks my guy is great! She wants me to continue therapy. The problem is I don’t have insurance or the money to continue to see her ($150 per hour). I’d go to see someone else but I’d have to give them the whole story over again…. Do you know of any self help books or any online help that would be cheaper?

I appreciate it!
Thanks!

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 14:38:42 +0000

Dear Emily,

I totally understand your fear of change, and of possibly getting hurt again. And of course, you don’t want your daughter to go through another breakup and loss.

Your emotions may be holding you back from experiencing healthy love, or they may be legitimate red flags that are trying to protect you from making a mistake!

I encourage you to talk to someone in person to get help figuring out the best thing to do. I can’t give you the help you need here. Please call a counselor, social worker, spiritual leader, or a support helpline. You need to talk to someone in person, who can help you figure the best next step for you and your daughter.

The objective, professional support of a counselor or trusted mentor-type person would be really helpful! You’re already headed in the right direction — reaching out for help and sharing what you’ve been through — and now you need to surround yourself with resources that will give you the strength and courage you need.

I just wrote an article called How to Find Solutions to Relationship and Family Problems, which describes different six ways to get help.

Please read that article, and get in-person support – or online counseling help.

I wish you all the best — and welcome you to come back anytime to update me on how you’re doing!

Laurie