Jun 302008
 
how to remarry and be happy

A successful second marriage means taking risks with each other, both emotional and physical!

If you want your 2nd marriage to be successful, you have to un-learn the bad habits you learned in your first marriage. These tips for remarriages will help with the “happily ever after” part.

Before the tips, a quip:

“If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin.

Surprised by Remarriage: A Guide to the Happily-Even-After is an excellent book for couples who are serious about starting fresh in a new relationship. “Getting married is an exciting time of anticipation and joy,” writes Ginger Kolbaba. “It is also a time of blending two lives together to make one. Successfully combining lives in a second marriage can be challenging. From unresolved hurts and unshared histories to resentful stepkids and bitter exes, there can be many obstacles to couples in search of happiness the second time around. But you can have a happy and lasting relationship despite divorce in your past.”

The reasons you wanted to get married may be the same reasons you think about leaving your spouse…because what first attracts us can later annoy us to pieces!  Remember that when you’re reading these tips for second marriages.

10 Tips for a Happy, Successful Second Marriage

Settle your first marriage

In addition to thinking about the financial, social, and geographical considerations of your second marriage, make sure you’re emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and geographically ready to be in a new relationship. If you’re getting remarried and not sure about your own motives, read about avoiding rebound love.

Understand the mistakes in your prior marriage

Figure out your weaknesses and mistakes in your first marriage, and make sure you don’t repeat them in your second marriage. You’ll improve your chances of a successful second marriage if you know where you — and your new spouse — are coming from. This remarriage tip requires you to face your weakest self…but it’s worth it.

Really get to know your new partner

Take this second marriage as an opportunity to really get to know your spouse on a deeper level. This means talking to your spouse about issues in marriage even if you’re scared or embarrassed. If you want to make your second marriage last, you have to be honest.

Let yourself be known

Be vulnerable, open and honest about your fears and hopes; share yourself without fear of failure or getting hurt. Letting yourself be loved requires coming out from behind your walls. It can be especially difficult to be vulnerable after a painful divorce, but this tip for a successful second marriage works.

Go to premarital counseling to make your second marriage a success

Seek objective counseling sessions to lay a strong foundation for your remarriage. The marriage counselor will help you discuss topics that are relevant to your divorce and remarriage. If step children are involved in your remarriage, ask your counselor for strategies on integrating smoothly.

Engineer a fresh start for your remarriage

Build your second marriage in a new house or neighborhood; if you need to, move away from a small town or community. Don’t let the old ghosts of your divorce haunt your remarriage. Even if you’re comfortable living in the remnants of your first marriage, your partner might not be.

Develop new routines with your spouse

This isn’t just a remarriage tip — it’s a health tip, too! Developing new habits and traditions together will connect you and your new partner – and it’ll help your brain grow new cells and strengthen those rusty old neurons. Many marriage counselors advise setting new routines with new partners.

Be open to new ways of relating

Getting remarried works better if you’re flexible. Let go of your old routines. Be open to change and compromise, and making adjustments in your remarriage. Another tip for a successful second marriage is to consider in-person or online marriage counseling to make sure you’re both ready to get married again. It’s easier to avoid a marriage crisis than to solve one!

Deal with money issues right away

Many remarriages are difficult because of child support payments, alimony, etc. If financial issues could stop you form achieving your relationship goals, get divorce advice. Ask a divorce mediator or a financial consultant to help settle you financial issues fairly.

Leave the negativity behind when you’re getting remarried

Focus on a successful remarriage without being dragged down by fears, failures, and thoughts of another divorce. Your second marriage is more likely to be successful if you focus on the positive aspects of your partner and life together. Learn about the secrets of happy, healthy marriages together.

If you’re worried about getting remarried, read Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts.

If your spouse’s first marriage is causing problems, you may find How Do I Deal With My Husband’s Toxic Ex-Wife? helpful.

I welcome your thoughts on second marriages below. Are you living happily ever after?

laurie pawlik kienlenI'm Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen (but I wish my name was Rosie Frost!). I'm a bookworm, travel bug, flute player, writer. My husband and I live in Vancouver, Canada with our cat and dogs.

Are you happy? My Grade 10 Social Studies teacher, Mr Merritt, always used to ask me that. And I am happy - despite a difficult childhood (schizophrenic mother, no father, foster homes), infertility, an eating disorder, and a chronic illness. The source of my peace and joy is God; I'm a Christian.

How is your life unfolding - what do you need? I welcome your big and little comments below, about big or little things. I can't give you advice, but writing can give you clarity and insight.

In peace and passion.... Laurie

  35 Responses to “10 Tips for Successful Second Marriages”

  1. Hi Karen,

    Thanks for your comments! Your blog looks lovely, and like a great support for other couples in a second marriage.

    Stay true to you,
    Laurie

  2. I really liked your 10 tips. I am in a second marriage and am quite happy this time around. So much so that I blog about it!

    http://secondmarriageromance.blogspot.com/

    But you are right about many things. It is important to learn from your mistakes in your first marriage and to find new ways of relating. Obviously the ways your elated in the first marriage did not work…at least for one partner. Our biggest boost in my current marriage is that we are both honest with each other, and communicate well. It’s sometimes hard to do, especially when being honest may hurt the other person’s feelings, but being able to share how you feel in a unconditional way helps each partner feel loved and respected. And that goes a long way in making for a happy marriage!

  3. Dear Kirti,

    Yes, I believe you will find a good husband in the future! Getting a divorce from this man, your first husband, is the best thing for you. He is not a good man, and you’re taking good care of yourself by leaving the marriage. I’m glad you’re happier than before!

    You can have a very happy, successful second marriage in the future. You’ve learned a lot from your first marriage, and have grown in ways you couldn’t without being married.

    I think the way to improve yourself is to continue growing emotionally. Keep pursuing your work goals and your personal goals. Stay connected to women friends who are strong, happy, smart, and successful. Travel. Take interesting classes. Get a dog! Stay physically healthy and active.

    And, try to understand the mistakes you made with your first husband. You did not cause him to be angry or controlling; that was not your fault! But perhaps you rushed into marriage too quickly, or you overlooked parts of his personality that you should have paid closer attention to. You loved him and wanted to be with him — please don’t regret your choices, because you made the best decision you could at the time. But make sure you’ve learned from your past, so you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

    What do you want out of your life? Write it down and focus on it. You will get want you want!

    I hope this helps.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

  4. Hi,

    I got married in 2008 after completing my study. After marriage when I came with him after one month only I got to know that he is very dominating and angree person.He has also beaten me.I was trying to do things well but his family members also taking his side then with whom I can talk and discuss. Now 4 years completed but same still same problem.Last time when he beated me I came to my brother’s home after 6 months I came in hostel where I am working.You know when I thought about divorse I did not ask any money from him.I did not complained also.I am hard worker and feel happy when I earn myself.Now I am take caring myself better then before and more happy then before.And now we have filed for divorce. So please sugggest me it is good for my future?. Will I get a good partner in future ? Will it be good in future?please suggest me how should i spend my life now and how can i improve myself without negative points.

    Regards,
    kirti

  5. Hello Lindsay Lee,

    What a great question! I think if you go into your second marriage after putting a lot of thought into your wedding vows, your chances of living happily ever after increase dramatically.

    I wrote this article for you:

    Remarriage Wedding Vows Are MORE Meaningful Than First Marriage Vows

    I welcome your thoughts!

    All good things,
    Laurie