Comments on: Solve Step Parenting Problems – 5 Tips for Connecting With Stepchildren http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/solve-step-parenting-problems-tips-for-connecting-with-step-children/ Got goals? Need a push in the right direction? You've come to the right place! Thu, 24 May 2012 22:43:26 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.2 By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/solve-step-parenting-problems-tips-for-connecting-with-step-children/comment-page-1/#comment-11454 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen Sat, 07 Aug 2010 14:00:38 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=1839#comment-11454 Hi Larry, Congratulations on your marriage -- I hope you and your wife have a long, happy life together! It's great that your wife wants to spend time with your son; she wants to get to know him and build a relationship with him. Women are all about bonding and relationships -- and many men (especially teenage boys!) don't have the same perspective. I suggest taking your son out for something he likes to do, just you and him. Go hiking, biking, or to whatever restaurant he likes. Even if you don't talk a lot about this major life change he's experiencing or his relationship with his new stepmom, it's important to spend time as father and son -- without your new family. After you've been together for a couple of hours, then think about tackling the big issues -- sometimes it's not a good idea to jump into a heavy discussion right away! Find out where he's at with this move. Just listen; give him time to talk. How you broach the "stepson-stepmom" bonding issue depends on how he's feeling and adjusting to the move. You might try describing how he'll benefit from getting to know your wife better. I don't know if he'll be swayed by a "this is why she wants to bond with you" discussion -- most of us are coming from a "what's in it for me" position! So if you can help him see the benefits of getting to know her better, he might be more inclined to come out of his shell. Also -- another reason it's acceptble for the daughter to spend time in her room is because your wife already knows her daughter! Once your wife gets to know your son, he'll have more freedom to spend time in his room. Your wife just wants to live with someone she knows and understands a little. I also suggest asking your wife to be patient. Five weeks isn't that long; I just moved into my new house five weeks ago, and I still feel weird and out of place -- and I'm with the same old husband I've always had! Some people take longer to adjust to new environments, and she needs to respect that. ESPECIALLY a teenage boy who's probably worried about starting a new school soon. The bottom line may be asking them both to compromise. Maybe ask your son for the least amount of time he'll spend out in the family common area (one hour a week?), and ask your wife for the amount of time she wants to see him out there (one hour a day?). Then, split the difference (three hours a week?). Maybe this more practical approach will work. I hope these suggestions help! If nothing else works, you might try a session or two with a family counselor -- or at least drop a friendly threat of family counseling to your son. Maybe that'll motivate him :-) Good luck! Laurie Hi Larry,

Congratulations on your marriage — I hope you and your wife have a long, happy life together!

It’s great that your wife wants to spend time with your son; she wants to get to know him and build a relationship with him. Women are all about bonding and relationships — and many men (especially teenage boys!) don’t have the same perspective.

I suggest taking your son out for something he likes to do, just you and him. Go hiking, biking, or to whatever restaurant he likes. Even if you don’t talk a lot about this major life change he’s experiencing or his relationship with his new stepmom, it’s important to spend time as father and son — without your new family.

After you’ve been together for a couple of hours, then think about tackling the big issues — sometimes it’s not a good idea to jump into a heavy discussion right away! Find out where he’s at with this move. Just listen; give him time to talk.

How you broach the “stepson-stepmom” bonding issue depends on how he’s feeling and adjusting to the move. You might try describing how he’ll benefit from getting to know your wife better. I don’t know if he’ll be swayed by a “this is why she wants to bond with you” discussion — most of us are coming from a “what’s in it for me” position! So if you can help him see the benefits of getting to know her better, he might be more inclined to come out of his shell.

Also — another reason it’s acceptble for the daughter to spend time in her room is because your wife already knows her daughter! Once your wife gets to know your son, he’ll have more freedom to spend time in his room. Your wife just wants to live with someone she knows and understands a little.

I also suggest asking your wife to be patient. Five weeks isn’t that long; I just moved into my new house five weeks ago, and I still feel weird and out of place — and I’m with the same old husband I’ve always had! Some people take longer to adjust to new environments, and she needs to respect that. ESPECIALLY a teenage boy who’s probably worried about starting a new school soon.

The bottom line may be asking them both to compromise. Maybe ask your son for the least amount of time he’ll spend out in the family common area (one hour a week?), and ask your wife for the amount of time she wants to see him out there (one hour a day?). Then, split the difference (three hours a week?). Maybe this more practical approach will work.

I hope these suggestions help! If nothing else works, you might try a session or two with a family counselor — or at least drop a friendly threat of family counseling to your son. Maybe that’ll motivate him :-)

Good luck!

Laurie

]]> By: Larry Scott http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/solve-step-parenting-problems-tips-for-connecting-with-step-children/comment-page-1/#comment-11422 Larry Scott Thu, 05 Aug 2010 21:22:09 +0000 http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/?p=1839#comment-11422 About five weeks ago I remarried (my first wife died in 2004). I have a 14 year old son and my wife has a 18 year old daughter ,who lives with us, and 21 year old son, away at college. My son has been spending almost all his free time in his room and it is becoming an issue with my wife. She does not feel she can build a relationship with him while he is always in his room. I understand her point and agree with it ,but at the same time I understand what he is going through. He moved away from all his friends, (we moved into my wife's house) and he is not as extroverted as her children. His comeback is that her daughter also spends a lot of time in her room, on her computer, which is true, but she is going away to college in 2 weeks so that won't be an issue anymore. I don't want to "change" my son, but at the same time I want my wife to be able to build a relationship with him. Any suggestions? About five weeks ago I remarried (my first wife died in 2004). I have a 14 year old son and my wife has a 18 year old daughter ,who lives with us, and 21 year old son, away at college. My son has been spending almost all his free time in his room and it is becoming an issue with my wife. She does not feel she can build a relationship with him while he is always in his room. I understand her point and agree with it ,but at the same time I understand what he is going through. He moved away from all his friends, (we moved into my wife’s house) and he is not as extroverted as her children. His comeback is that her daughter also spends a lot of time in her room, on her computer, which is true, but she is going away to college in 2 weeks so that won’t be an issue anymore. I don’t want to “change” my son, but at the same time I want my wife to be able to build a relationship with him. Any suggestions?

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