Is Your Relationship Unhealthy? 7 Signs of Problems in Love
These relationship tips are inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert’s experience of being addicted to a man, which she describes in Eat Pray Love.
Here’s what she says:
“The fact is, I had become addicted to David, and now his attention was wavering,” writes Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love. “Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared admit that you wanted – an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement.”
But wait - her addiction gets worse (and then it gets better!). To learn more about Gilbert’s journey away from and towards love, read Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia.
To create your own journey away from and towards love, read Love Is a Choice: The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships.
And, here are seven signs of problems in unhealthy relationships…
Unhealthy Relationships – 7 Signs of Problems in Love
“Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie,” Gilbert writes in Eat, Pray, Love. “When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted. Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbors just to have that thing even one more time.”
“Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has become repulsed by you. He looks at you like someone you’ve never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion.”
Gilbert’s relationship wasn’t just unhealthy — it was addictive!
Unrealistic expectations of your partner
You think he’ll solve your self-esteem, body image, family, and work problems – not to mention your financial woes and spiritual blockages. You believe the “right relationship” or the “perfect man” will make everything better.
Instant, constant gratification
You expect him to be around all the time, especially when you need him. You want him to make you happy immediately. You’re using him to make you feel good about yourself; you’re not relating to him as a partner or even a human being (this was what Elizabeth Gilbert was talking about in Eat Pray Love). This may be a sign of addiction in relationships; for more info, read Tips for Getting Over Addictive Relationships.
Dishonesty or omissions of truth
You don’t talk about who you are or what’s really bothering you. You lie about what you want, both to yourself and your partner. This is a problem in love that women often ignore.
Compulsive control – an often ignored sign of an unhealthy relationship
You – or he – has to act a certain way, or someone threatens to leave. You both feel trapped in your toxic relationship. You know it’s gone sour and you’re not together voluntarily, but it’s hard to leave…this is an unhealthy relationship sign that people often ignore.
Lack of trust – one of the worst love problems
You don’t (or can’t) trust each other. You don’t really believe your partner really loves you – and you may not be comfortable with solid love. At some level you know you’re in an unhealthy relationship, but you can’t let go. You need help solving relationship problems, but you don’t know where to start.
If you can’t open up to your partner because of lack of trust, read How Much Should You Tell Your Fiance About Your Past?
Social isolation – your relationship is almost a secret
Your friends, family, and coworkers aren’t knit into the fabric in a healthy, loving way. In some addictive relationships, the partners only want to be left alone. This sets the stage for an uncontrollable downward spiral. Some lovers look at social isolation as a sign of love and passion, but it’s really a problem in a love affair.
Cycle of pain, betrayal, lies, or blaming
You’re trapped in a cycle of pleasure, pain, disillusionment, blaming, and reconnection. This cycle in an unhealthy relationship repeats itself until one partner breaks finally breaks free – like Elizabeth Gilbert did in Eat, Pray, Love.
One way to create a healthy relationship is to learn how your spouse gives and receives love. Read Examples of the Five Love Languages.
The Psychology of Love
If you have anything to say about unhealthy relationships, I welcome your thoughts below…
Category: Breakup Survival Tips, Solving Relationship Problems
Hi. My love for my soon to be ex husband had me at hello! But; now seven yrs later, and yrs of on and off serious meth use on his part has left me loveless. To give and or receive. The damage ti my soul is incomprihensible. To anyone with a relationship with a meth addict, please get away from the person before you get put thru a human shredder that my ideal true love did me. The cycles of insanity never stop. It is the holocaust of evil for the non user( me). There is no answer but that I loved an unemotionally unavailable person who turned all around on me blaming me for the break up when tje only single issue is meth use and sales on his part. Love can never exist around anyone on meth. I will never trust and love the way I began our relationship. And I will resolve to just live lonely, until my replenishment is complete. I am not optimistic, but I see others do have love in their lives. But I am drained of any hope for any love again. I feel like I was forced to do heart surgery on myself without anisythic
. With the world watching for complete humiliation for the continual loyalty I kept giving my ex, THE. BLACK WHoLE. Love is way too blinding to me that I am so not going to put myself in any position like that again. Now/ my ex has made a pimp out of his life and his drug sales, I can’t get proof to. Convence judge not to alliw visitation. Judge doesn’t care that he was arrested three times in last seven months. I am still worried even tho I am out of the relationship
I am still abused by his lousy parenting to my daughter
Do not take any chances people with drug addicts…………
They are monster zombie liars and cheaters to the max. Peace to your life keep it simple. And clean. Joy
Ive been in a relationship right now for 6 year I know im not completely happy but his a great man the love isn’t there any more I just don’t know how to get out every time I try to leave I cant I start crying as if it hurts to leave but when im home is as if were not together
I was in a relationship for 4yrs. He was everything I had dreamed of in a true loving relationship at least until i started finding text, emails and other messages to different women. He left me for a much younger girl and went as far as moving her in with him weeks after dating. Didnt last but a month and he realized it was not what he wanted. He came back and apologized. I tried trusting him but his lies even the smallest made it hard to. He wld call all day and visit me at work 5x a day. Flowers weekly and food all day to make sure i didnt have to leave work. I loved how he looked out for me but was he? We did everything together and loved being together all the time. So why wld things get bad? When he wld get mad he wld call me awful things and later apologized for it. I wanted to spend my life with him but he made it impossible with his actions. He wld keep me up all night on the phone arguing or wld not let me sleep when together cuz he wanted to settle an argument. I loved him so much and still do but when it started getting physical i thought it wld be only one time. He wld break my things and try to fix it or buy me another. He seemed like the perfect man and seemed like it to many but only i knew the person hed become when alone. why if we loved each other so much things got so bad.
The best way to control addiction to other people is to really and truly enjoy your own company. You need to be able to sit at home alone reading a book, watching TV, or walking by yourself thinking; at least for a couple hours a week. You need to have time for self-reflection because in the end your addiction to another person has to do with your insecurities about yourself. If that person ever leaves, how will you live with just you!
Very good write-up. I’ve never read the book but it seems very informative from a practical POV.
“Social isolation – your relationship is almost a secret”
This one is huge for me. I actually dated a girl for almost a year and kept her hush-hush the whole time. It finally tore our relationship a part. The reason I didn’t tell anyone? I didn’t know how to let my friends know I was dating a girl with a daughter. Terrible idea, I still feel bad about it.
Dear Marjorie,
Thanks for your comments. Some people stay in unhealthy relationships because they’re scared of never being loved again, of never finding anyone else who will want them. That’s why I stayed with a loser for months (I would’ve stayed with him for years if he hadn’t dumped me). I just wanted to be in a relationship, so I overlooked and ignored our worst problems.
I think a huge reason a lot of people stay in unhealthy relationships is because they don’t really know any different. I tell everyone I know that starts saying “You just haven’t found the right one” or “He’s out there, you just have to find him” that the only people that, in my opinion, stay together anymore are the people who have been together since they were young & don’t know any different. I also think that if you grow up in an unhealthy environment, you are more apt to be in unhealthy adult relationships. Great post! Very interesting.
Maybe the biggest sign of an unhealthy relationship is that you’re unhappy. Maybe these are the REASONS your relationship is unhealthy…but the sign is unhappiness.
It hapened to and i felt like i have to postipone every time ihave to tell him its over i would not. love was a routine indeed eat, pray and love. i hated it.
Thanks for your insights, fitness girl! I think women in ALL cultures sometimes overlook love and man problems because they want to stay in the relationship….even if it’s an unhealthy relationship.
Sometimes the pain of what you know is better than the pain of change, or of loss.
I happened to watch the movie EAT PRAY LOVE, upon watching it I realized how many women were relieved also when they watch the movie and how much more if they happen to read the book. One thing I could say is that for some culture women are in denial of their situation of a certain relationship because they were blinded by their love or illusion of her man or they use the kids as an excuse thats why most women don’t realized these signs of unhappy relationships.
Thanks,i found this book to be extremely helpful.
Thanks for your comment, May! I read Gilbert’s book, too — and I just wrote an article about leaving unhealthy relationships, based on a few phrases that Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat, Pray, Love.
If you’re in a mentally or emotionally abusive relationship, it might be time for you to read “How Do You Leave a Mentally Abusive Relationship? Here’s the link:
http://seejanesoar.theadventurouswriter.com/how-do-you-leave-a-mentally-abusive-relationship-elizabeth-gilbert/
This is so uncanny or u may call it serendipity. I’ve just finished reading Gilbert’s book-Eat Pray and Love and I just chanced upon this website. This is amazing.
I like the book very much especially the part when Richard, the texan telling her to let go of David. I read and reread it over. It made so much sense. I’ve been through it all. I recommnend all women (who are working on their lives) to read it.