Tips for Coping With Children Who Are Energy Vampires
When your own child is an energy vampire, coping with depleted energy and flagging spirits is difficult…but not impossible with these tips!
First, a quip about energy from Magic Johnson:
“If people around you aren’t going anywhere, if their dreams are no bigger than hanging out on the corner, or if they’re dragging you down, get rid of them,” said Magic. “Negative people can sap your energy so fast, and they can take your dreams from you, too.”
You can’t just get rid of negative people or energy vampires when they’re your own children, but you can learn to protect yourself. For more info on dealing with energy vampires, click on Energy Vampires: A Practical Guide for Psychic Self-Protection by Dorothy Harbour. And, read on for tips on coping with children who are energy vampires.
Tips for Coping With Children Who Are Energy Vampires
I wrote an article called How Energy Vampires Drain Your Spirit for my Psychology Suite101 site – and it includes 11 ways to protect yourself from negative influences. Read the article to learn exactly what an energy vampire is, and how he or she can drain your energy and spirit.
When readers started asking me about how to deal with their children who are energy vampires, I realized that parents are in a totally different situation.
Reader question: “I have a 5 year old energy vampire. How do I stay away from her? She makes me play with her all the time and makes me soo exhausted. I’m glad that I know now because I have done some research and she fits most of the energy vampire “expectations.” She isn’t happy with herself and she thinks everyone hates her.”
To cope with young children who are energy vampires:
- Set a play schedule. Your child may be headstrong, but you’re still the parent! Set a play schedule with her: 15 minutes of together time, 15 minutes of playroom time, 15 minutes for snack, etc. Most kids like the predictability of a routine – and you need the knowledge that in 15 minutes, you can take a break.
- Find games that focus energy. Some games, such as Barbies or dress up, focus attention and energy on one another. Others focus energy elsewhere. When you have young children who are energy vampires, play games that direct her attention to an object. Being outside may give you the space you need while directing her energy elsewhere.
- Take a parenting class. Coping with young children who are energy vampires involves fine-tuning your parenting skills. Most parenting classes offer excellent tips and support for parents – whether they’re dealing with a difficult child, or just want to learn more. The bonus of taking a parenting class is that you’ll meet parents dealing with the same challenges!
- Get help. If your child is psychologically demanding (eg, saying that everyone hates her all the time, is overly dramatic, or overreacts to small things) – consider getting counseling or therapy help. You can’t be an effective parent if you’re constantly drained of energy, and you may not have the counseling skills to help her! Getting counseling help for your child may be an effective solution – especially in the long run.
Here’s an audiocourse on dealing with “the terrible twos and beyond” – this father teaches parents how to reduce parenting stress. I don’t know if he describes how to handle children who are energy vampires, but I bet he comes close!
Reader question: “What if the energy vampire is your adult child, who lives in another state? I am a single mom and quite frankly, I am exhausted from the phone calls, confrontations, putdowns from this 32 year old.”
To cope with adult children who are energy vampires:
- Figure out how long it takes for you to recover from a visit, and schedule your phone calls or visits accordingly. That is, if your energy starts to return after a week without contact, then give yourself two or three weeks between visits.
- Let the phone ring. Who says you have to answer the phone every time it rings? Whether or not your adult child is an energy vampire, you have the right NOT to answer the phone. You also have the right to return a call when you’re ready.
- Have a plan for recharging after visits or calls. Set time limits on your phone calls or visits – and stick to them! And, after your contact with your energy vampire, do something positive that gives you joy: a funny tv show, yoga, or talking to your best friend.
Readers, do you have any tips on coping with children who are energy vampires? Please comment below – I also welcome questions and random thoughts!
Dear Readers, thank you for your comments and questions! I read them all -- but I can't provide in-depth marriage, relationship, or family advice. ~ Warm regards, Laurie
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Comment by lulu mossbargett on 27 May 2009:
one of my best guy freinds told me he was an energy vampire wich i had no clue what that was and i know now and every thing describes him we are only 11 and 12 yeas old and we talk to eachother every day and he bites his hands alot and me and my other freind had no clue why until now my other friend knoew this before i did and he gave me a website to go to and he told me hopefully this will explain everything.my guy freind idnt the best looking person but he really smart and funny.he is the class clown do doubt about it and now that i know about him i am kind of scared in a way but i dont think he has ever drained my spirits,yes i have been sad around him but usually before i got to him.he has also helped me with all my problems to.yes sometimes he doesnt really care about themthats why i am kind of concered though,he is a really and truely good friend to me and i just think you dont quite no a energy vampire until you acctually meet them.
Comment by Anonymous on 14 June 2009:
I actually am a psychic, or energy vampire. It’s really hard to explain exactly how I drain people’s energy. I’m not a very talkative person but I have what is known as a vampire aura. Very often I feel tired when I’m alone and then when I’m in school or hanging out with people I begin to feel more awake. A year or so ago (before my family and I discovered that I am a psi-vamp) I was on retreat with school and everyone gathered together for a school picture on the last day. I was actually overwhelmed by all the energy around me that I passed out from exhaustion because I was absorbing so many emotions and so many types of energy.
Many psi/energy vampires are unaware of what we are capable of doing and they do it unconsciously. There are ways to protect yourself from an attack by a malignant energy vampire. One way is to imagine yourself surrounded by a shield of bright light. Also you should not assume someone is a psi/energy vampire just because they are exhausting to be around. There may actually be a psychological or physical reason behind it.
Comment by Laurie PK on 14 June 2009:
I’m very interested in energy vampires, especially in relation to children because it’s not discussed very often.
I’m curious: you say you’re a “psychic or energy vampire”, which makes it sound like the same thing. Do you mean the traditional “psychic” (someone who can fortune tell), or do you mean “psychic vampire” (perhaps someone who drains psychic energy)?
I totally agree that some people are exhausting to be around, and it’s not necessarily because they’re energy vampires. Sometimes people are simply needy or dependant.
Maybe it’s like the introverts-extroverts scale: we’re all a combination of both introverted and extroverted personality traits — and maybe we all have a little bit of “energy vampire” in us. Some are on the “drain all your energy immediately!” end of the scale, while others are on the “give all your energy away immediately” end (which is what introverts do).
Anyway, thanks for your comment – very interesting!
Laurie
Comment by latoya on 1 August 2009:
I have sixteen year old son, and boy did I run up on the right thing tonight, because for the longest I didn’t know what this feeling was that I was having everytime he came around me. One minute I was happy and the next it felt like i was being stabbed with pin needles in my chest. and it got stronger and stronger the more he stayed around me.
He live with my mom who is super negative and i can’t be in the same room with her. i hate my son and i relationship is like that but i have to decided to only see him once a month. because the pain is too bad, he never talks to me it is just his presence that is so scary to me.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 2 August 2009:
Thanks for being here, Latoya! I’m glad you shared your story.
Raising kids children who are energy vampires, who make you feel drained, tired, negative, or not good enough is so difficult.
It’s good that your son lives with your mom, and you can take breaks fromt hem both. You set a boundary by only seeing him once a month, and that’s great. It’s better to limit or cut off contact with people – even if they’re your own family – than to stay in a painful, negative, destructive situation.
Take care — and stay happy and positive!
Laurie
Comment by Lissy on 20 October 2009:
Can someone please define for me exactly what an energy vampire is? All I know is it’s someone who drains your energy when you re around them, but as Laurie said, “Some people are exhausting to be around, and it’s not necessarily because they’re energy vampires. Sometimes people are simply needy or dependant.”, so that’s a pretty useless blanket meaning.
So can anyone tell me? Email me or post a reply.
Thanks!
Lissy
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 October 2009:
Hi Lissy,
Thanks for your question — it’s a good one.
Basically, an energy vampire leaves you feeling tired and depressed. An example of an energy vampire is a “drama queen”, who is always dealing with some major crisis. And, her (or his) major crises affect your life, your mood, and even your physical and emotional health. Energy vampires leave you feeling drained and listless because they drain your energy.
On the other hand, people who are simply needy or dependent don’t necessarily leave you feeling depressed or exhausted. Needy or dependent people don’t “steal” your energy; they just need help.
Maybe it’s a fine line between the two types of personalities. Or, maybe it’s a continuum: an energy vampire is on the “energy draining” end, while a needy person is on the “help me call and order a pizza” end, which is a little annoying but not energy draining.
Dr Judith Orloff has written alot about energy vampires, and the different types of energy vampires. If you’d like, I can post a few links her to her articles.
Hope this helps a little!
Laurie
Comment by ripley97 on 17 January 2010:
I only recently realized that i am a energy vampire. My best friend came up to me and told me she thought i was an energy vampire and that i should look it up. it seemed very possible when i knew what it was, mostly because im very loud and people tend to only can be able to take me in small doses im very tired when alone, even now as i write this i am tired,goodbye and goodluck
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 January 2010:
Thanks for sharing your insight about energy vampires and your own personality, ripley97. It sounds like you’ve learned something new about yourself — which will make you a better person.
Comment by Mila on 11 March 2010:
I don’t believe energy drain is a ‘special talent’ or ‘magical ability’; Energy Vampires aren’t “born” into the world, they aren’t X-men mutants.
Drainage occurs when when some part of you has a desperate need for attention. What do drama queens and obnoxious, angry people have in common? They are self-centered and very unaware that they have the ability to change their situation.
Auras shift constantly, according to our moods, thoughts and lifestyle; meaning that, what is generally called a “Vampiric Aura” is simply the manifestation of drainage (usually shows up a blood-red color) at the time of drainage, or constant drain.
What I mean to say is, if you believe you are an Energy Vampire and have a “Vampiric Aura”, know that this is not a fixed situation that you cannot change. Self-examination is key, meditation is vital, and therapy may be a very useful tool.
As for child “vampires”, I believe the parents should self-assess their performance as parents, and examine the family’s environment. Children pick up behaviors from all around them (especially parents), and if they feel in someway neglected or insecure, it’s time to find out why.
All we are is pure love, remember that!
Comment by ruby on 15 March 2010:
Mila, thank you for putting into words what I was thinking as well. How can a parent wash their hands of a 5-year old, or even a 16-year old child, as if he or she had nothing to do with that child’s mental and emotional state? I wholeheartedly agree that parents need to self-assess their performance and the family environment. In other words, parents need to *parent*. Our children depend on us to set the tone and the energy of the home environment. They depend on us from the day they are born for their sense of security and self-esteem. If things have gone wrong somewhere along the way, then parents really ought to do everything they can to help their child get back on track.
Comment by Vicki on 3 May 2010:
Hi there,
My ex is a negative, complaining, querulous pain in the butt, our kid has inherited his temperament so anger management is something that I’m working with her about. Yes, it’s draining, but no-where near as bad as he was (I was physically ill all of the time the last couple of years of our marriage, I got rid of him, got well, then the bastard came back!). To tell you the truth, though, do we do a certain amount of energy draining to ourselves if we pay too much attention to mass media? No news is good news, as they say and there are people who give their entire lives over to following the exploits of nasty politicians doing nasty things to other nasty politicians.