How to Make Conversation for Introverts – Tips for Small Talk
Before the tips, a quip:
“In conversation avoid the extremes of forwardness and reserve.” ~ Marcus Porcius Cato “The Elder.”
When you’re making small talk, you don’t want to be too direct or “nosy” (which I tend to be), nor do you want to be too shy and retiring. The key to having a great conversation – whether you’re an introvert or not – is to strike a nice balance between being curious and being quiet. The tips below explain it better; for more info on being comfortable with people, click How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It’s a classic! And, read on for a few suggestions on making small talk for people with introverted personality traits…
7 Easy Ways to Make Conversation for Introverts
By the way – I wrote 10 First Date Conversation Starters to help people with dating, but those tips work just as well for conversations with colleagues, acquaintances, neighbors, etc.
1. Be curious about other people. “People are flattered when you find them appealing – and they naturally reciprocate,” says Dr Ann Demarais, psychologist and co-author of First Impressions: What You Don’t Know About How Others See You. Showing interest in others increases your likeability factor because it shows you’re confident. “And when you’re confident, you appear more attractive,” she says.
2. Follow up on bits of information. This is one of my favorite tips for making small talk because people often drop hints in their conversations! For instance, if someone mentions something about the price of gas, then ask what kind of car she has, or how often he has to gas up. People leave “breadcrumbs” in their conversational trails…you need only pick them up!
3. Follow up on your previous conversations. If an acquaintance mentioned a particular topic in the past (eg, a sick dog, job promotion, house for sale, etc), then bring it up now. This is an easy way for introverts to show their interest in others, and it increases your “likeability factor” – which helps you be more comfortable and less nervous when talking to people.
4. Really listen to what other people say. There’s no point in pretending to be curious about others if you don’t really care about them, or if you don’t really listen to them. In fact, it could backfire! To make small talk, develop a genuine, sincere attitude towards people. Listen to their words, and follow up on what your gut tells you to say or do next.
5. Smile with your eyes. If your face feels and looks pleasant and happy, your conversation partner will feel relaxed. A happy face looks approachable and friendly. To keep your face open and happy, think positive thoughts: recall your last vacation, a funny joke, or last night’s episode of “Two and a Half Men.”
6. Share positive experiences. Making conversation is much more fun – even for people with introverted personality traits – if you talk about positive things. Discuss those things in the above tip (your last vacation, a funny joke, or last night’s episode of “Two and a Half Men”). Avoid negativity and complaining, because it stops small talk in its tracks – and it won’t make you a more likeable person.
7. Share your mistakes. Psychological research shows that people who make mistakes are more likeable than those who appear to be perfect. People who make mistakes are seen as more approachable and less judgmental than perfect people – so don’t be afraid to let all your introverted personality traits shine through! This will make people like you because they’ll feel you’re normal and human…just like they are.
Bonus tip: wear a light scent. Research from Northwestern University shows that a light lemon smell increases your “likeability factor.” You don’t have to smell like citrus to make people like you – any pleasant, barely perceptible scent is effective.
For more info on making conversation at work with colleagues, read Tips for Networking Successfully for Introverts.
And if you have any questions or comments on these ways to make small talk, please share below!
Dear Readers, thank you for your comments and questions -- I read every one! I do my best to respond, but may not be able to reply to everyone. ~ Warmest Wishes, Laurie
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Comment by Susan Liddy on 27 January 2010:
What a fun article!
I love the breadcrumb idea and smile with your eyes.
People are so interesting and we LOVE it when someone takes an interest in us.
I also remember that if I am feeling “awkward” the other person may be too. So, get out of my own head and really “see” the person I’m talking with.
PS. All of these tips can be used for first dates too!
Comment by Jeremy on 19 February 2010:
My problem with making small talk is that I forget everything I learned when I’m actually in front of the person I’m trying to make small talk with! I’m an introvert and I get flustered and nervous easily. What works for me is to jot a few reminders on a piece of paper and look at that when I’m in the bathroom or when she’s in the bathroom, and then I can usually regroup.
I like your tips, and will be making a new “cue card” with them!
Thanks,
J.