5 Tips for Helping a Grieving Friend
“Talk about the person who is lost,” is one of the five tips for helping a grieving friend, from grief expert and author Jane Galbraith. Here, she explains why talking about the person who passed away is so important…
“Who hasn’t felt like they don’t know what to say when someone has died?” asks Galbraith. “Or we feel helpless, like there’s nothing we can do to help a grieving friend. But there ARE things we can do and say to help those who are suffering after the death of a loved one.”
For more information on baby boomers and grief, click on Galbraith’s book Baby Boomers Face Grief: Survival and Recovery. And, read on for her tips for helping a grieving friend.
5 Tips for Helping a Grieving Friend
1. Talk about the person who has died. We may not want to mention the person who died to grieving friends because we don’t want to upset them. But, people love to speak the name of the person they lost! To not talk about them as if they have never existed is very distressing to the person who is grieving. Speaking about the departed may produce tears, but it’s often more comforting than feeling that the name can never be mentioned.
2. Ask people how they feel and don’t let them get away with “I’m fine.” We are so polite in our society that we don’t want to burden others with our problems. Ask your grieving friend how they feel many months after the death. In the beginning, people are in shock and the pain sometimes takes months to hit. By then the world feels you should be “getting over it”! This tip for a grieving friend includes asking not just when you see them at work or at a social function – but also picking up the phone and calling.
3. Acknowledge that it’s a difficult time. It takes an enormous amount of energy to “be strong” or look “normal”. Many would win Oscars for their performances, looking and acting as they did before so their friends would not be uncomfortable. In actuality they are trying to discover what their new “normal” is, and that takes time. Just because people look good doesn’t mean they feel good, so don’t let the façade fool you. Your grieving friend may need someone to acknowledge that this is a difficult time. To learn the importance of expressing grief, read tips for grieving widows or widowers.
4. Avoid clichés about “getting on with life” and “getting over it” because they irritate those grieving. They know that these expressions do not represent the reality. They won’t get over it, but they will learn to live with it or adjust to their new world. Your grieving friend isn’t just dealing with the absence of the person they loved, but also how that person affected their lives, and the loss of future plans and dreams. Continue to love your friend as he/she changes and adapts to a new world.
5. Reach out to your grieving friends. Sometimes they don’t know what they need and don’t have the energy to figure it out, so it would be better if you figure out what your friend needs and just do it. If it is an invitation to go somewhere, don’t be offended if you are turned down. Keep asking. Everyday is different and by continuing to ask you are staying in touch and connecting with someone who is in pain. Continuing to invite someone will let him or her know you are there for him or her and you care.
Do you have any tips for grieving friends, or experiences you’d like to share? Please comment below. To read Galbraith’s other “tips for grieving” article, go to 5 Tips for Dealing With Grief During the Holidays.
Jane Galbraith, BScN, R.N., is the author of Baby Boomers Face Grief – Survival and Recovery. She offers presentations and workshops to organizations on grief and its effects on the workplace. To contact Jane or order the book, visit Baby Boomers Face Grief. “5 Tips for Helping a Grieving Friend” is copyrighted by Galbraith.
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Comment by Krystyna on 19 June 2009:
My dog was poisened.After he died ,he was with me all the time (his soul).I could feel his energy,smell even a short bark.Yesterday I sent him to Pets Heaven.Have I done the wright thing?-Krystyna
Comment by Jane Galbraith on 19 June 2009:
Whatever makes you feel better through this difficult time is the right thing to do. Honouring your pet in this way is a wonderful thing.
I know how difficult it is to lose a pet – hang in there.
Comment by Laurie PK on 19 June 2009:
Jane, if you have any specific tips on helping a grieving friend get over their pet loss, I’d love to hear them. So many people lose their pets and some never really get over it…and sometimes friends just don’t know what to say. So, if you want to write an article or give tips to help friends deal with their pet loss here in the comments section, I’d appreciate it! If not, no worries.
Krystyna, I’m sure you did the right thing. Sometimes the best thing we can do is let go of our pets…no matter how much it hurts us. Sometimes, it’s better for pets to be in heaven than suffering through illness or painful old age.
Your pain will subside…and your dog will always be in your heart.
Warm wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Krystyna on 19 June 2009:
Hi,can pets come from Heaven as a Spirits like a dead people can?I know,I have a good Spirits from my family around me -just to protect me-I think…….Krystyna
Comment by Laurie PK on 20 June 2009:
Krystyna, there are so many things we don’t know about the mysterious spirit world, souls, and the Universe….and so I don’t think anyone can say for sure either way!
But I myself believe that spirits do exist, and I believe some people are more sensitive to hearing, feeling, and seeing them than others.
If you feel that your family — and your dear departed dog — is sending their spiritual presence, then hold on to that feeling! Enjoy the comfort, light, and happiness their presence brings.
One cautionary note: be wary about paying money to people who say they can contact your departed family members or pets. There are so many scammers out there, and you don’t want to throw your money away.
Instead, enjoy the presence and spirit when it comes — and don’t worry about what other people say about it. Let your heart and soul be your guide.
Sending you warm fuzzy hugs,
Laurie
Comment by Jane Galbraith on 22 June 2009:
I can’t write anything right now as I am going to be away for the next month. However the same philosophy holds for grieving any loss – you need to talk about it, get the feelings out, be good to yourself and do what feels good to do. Getting over losses take time but you do learn to live with the loss and go on to a productive life.
Take care