What To Do When Your Mother in Law Doesn’t Like or Accept You
What do you do when your mother in law – future or present – doesn’t like or accept you?
Before my tips, a quip:
“More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.” ~ Doug Larson.
If your boyfriend’s parents or your mother in law rejects, excludes, or dislikes you right now, remember that this is a relationship conflict that you and your partner need to work through together. This may be the worst thing you face – and a better relationship or marriage might be just ‘round the corner! If you’re married and aren’t getting along with your mother in law, click on Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage. And, read on for suggestions about what to do when your boyfriend’s parents reject or exclude you…
What To Do When Your Mother in Law Doesn’t Like or Accept You
Talk to your partner’s parents or your in laws directly. Dial up your courage, take your boyfriend’s hand, and sit down with him and his parents. Describe how you feel excluded, rejected, and disliked by them. Ask if you’ve offended them. Basically, you’re asking what their problem is – in a gentle, nonjudgmental, open minded way. A great communication tip is to ask for three reasons they’re not comfortable with you or your relationship with their son. The first reason or two they give are excuses; the third reason is the closest to the truth.
Don’t expect your partner’s parents or your mother in law to change. People can and do change, but it’s not realistic to stay in your relationship and expect your boyfriend’s or husband’s parents to like you. Generally, they won’t do an about face and start welcoming you to their family gatherings. Be realistic, and expect a future similar to your present situation. If you’re not currently invited to your boyfriend’s parents’ family gatherings, you can expect not be welcomed later.
Be kind and friendly, but not a sycophant. “Sychophant” is a fancy way of saying “suck up” or “toady.” My reader mentioned buying her boyfriend’s mother a Mother’s Day gift – this is a very sweet, lovely thing to do. But her boyfriend discouraged her from buying his mom a birthday gift as well because she didn’t appreciate or want the first gift. If your partner’s parents refuse to have you over for family events or holidays, or are unfriendly or even rude, then don’t buy them gifts. Be polite, but don’t try to win your boyfriend’s mother or father over. If you’re married, you might find How To Be a Great Daughter in Law helpful.
Don’t ask your partner to choose between you and his family – unless you’re married. This relationship advice can’t apply to all relationships, but generally it’s not a good idea to ask your boyfriend to choose between you and his parents. If you’re married, then your expectations of your husband and your mother in law is different (read 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage to learn effective ways to talk to your husband). But, girlfriends who ask their boyfriends to make that choice may be causing more conflict than it’s worth.
Decide what you can live with in your love relationship. Are you happy in this relationship? Can you live with your partner’s parents or your mother in laws not liking or accepting you? You need to decide if this is a small price to pay for your relationship and whether you can tolerate being excluded from or snubbed at family gatherings. After all, all love relationships have their own unique challenges! But if you are seriously upset or bothered by partner’s parents, and if it’s causing conflict in your relationship, then you need to decide what you can do about it. And, what you can do does not include changing your boyfriend or mother in law.
Remember that you can’t change anyone but yourself. Don’t ask – or expect – your boyfriend or his parents to act or think differently. After you express your feelings about how you’re being treated (or mistreated) and after you ask what you did to cause his parents to treat you this way, then you need to let go. You have to let them be who they are.
Your partner’s parents may not be able to accept you for who you are, but for your own peace of mind and soul, you have to accept them for who they are.
If you have any questions or thoughts on what to do when your mother in law doesn’t like or accept you, please comment below…
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Comment by Carrie R. on 2 November 2009:
If your mother in law doesn’t like you, then I think you should just let it be. Don’t try to make her like you because you can’t force anyone to like you! Just concentrate on building a great relationship with your boyfriend or husband. Don’t let your mother in law ruin your relationship.
Comment by Kaitlin Beckman on 2 November 2009:
Cheer up. It WILL get better.
Comment by Susan on 3 November 2009:
Thank you for your time! I like the advice and plan on following it. In the present this situation has not had a huge impact on our relationship, more than anything I feel saddness for my boyfriend and truthfully I think in a selfish way I had hoped this would change so my boyfriend would feel the freedom to marry me without worrying what trouble this could cause him with the family. I also think your right in that no matter who he was with they would find some fault in that person.
Funny also you mention that if they met me and realized how loving and nice I am and how compatable I am with thier son they would struggle. My boyfriend has said almost the exact thing to me. Again thanks, I enjoy this forum and found it very helpful!
Comment by Susan on 3 November 2009:
I wanted to respond to a comment left regarding a gal wanting to start her own business, I am in the beauty indusry for 28 years and wanted to comment to her, just wondering how you comment on individuals post. Im not much on the computer so if you could guide me that would be great. I just see many post but not sure how to pick a specific one:) thanks
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 3 November 2009:
That’d be great — I’d love if you responded to her question about starting her own business!
Here’s the link to her question – just scroll down to the end…
Ask a Question
Thanks Susan! And, I’m guessing that you saw her question in the email in box? In that case, just come to Quips & Tips and search for the title of the article. I’m not sure if there’s a more direct way to find the article, but I’ll look into it.
Comment by roselle go on 7 November 2009:
hi!
mine is quite different to your situation, Iam married for 5 years but I never had a chance to meet my in laws in person. I just dont have the grasp of others mind and emotions, what matters is that Im in control of mine….
Comment by Susan on 12 November 2009:
Well I saw my boyfriends Mom for the first time in over a year an a half. We had a yard sale and she stopped by. I was very enthusiastic towards her said it was great to see her and 2 of my kids were there so I introduced them etc. She was very very cold toward me but I feel it was some progress that she showed up knowing I would be there.But I agree with the coments left that I should just focus on my relationship and let the cards fall where they may. I’m not going to go out of my way to create a relationship with the family but if in there presence I can only be who I am and I refuse to be rude because thats just not me:)
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 November 2009:
Roselle, it’s interesting that you haven’t met your in-laws in person yet! My husband hasn’t met my mother, actually (so he hasn’t met all his in-laws, either). If you do meet them, I hope it goes well
Susan, it sounds like you’re in a very healthy place with regard to your boyfriend’s mother. What a shame; I don’t understand how people can be so judgemental and unaccepting. It’d be interesting to get her side, wouldn’t it? What’s going on in her mind? Anyway, it’s her loss…she’s creating distance and conflict between herself and her son.
Comment by Susan on 12 November 2009:
I have a fairly good idea her side. She is married to a man who is almost 30 years older than herself and I think now that he is in his 80s and she in her 50s she is facing the reality of the age gap. Also she lost a daughter at 5 leaving her with my bf as her only child so I know she was hoping for grandchildren. For obvious reasons this is not a possibility for us as I am 48 with 3 almost grown kids. I as a mother can understand this although would support what ever made my child happy and would never reject them or thier decisions even if it were not what I had hoped for. I must admit all of this makes me feel somewhat insecure as I worry myself about our age gap and what the long term future may hold. This is an affulent family and my bf has inherited alot and has never wanted for anything where as I have to work very hard to meet all my needs. My bf is somewhat selfish when it comes to money possesions etc where as I am a total giver by nature so sometimes I fear our walks of life may interfere with a long future together. The unanswered questions I think is a dilema for all of us ,so for now I am holding on to see where the future will take me.
Comment by lisa on 28 December 2009:
it’s only going to work out if your husband doesn’t defend his mother. I left my marriage of 8 years after my husband and his mother both lied to me blatantly and had no intentions of coming clean.
it was the most hurtful day of my life.
to this day neither of them will admit that they lied, or apologize – they tell me I’m wrong (even though our bank statements and phone bills say otherwise)
good luck to those still in this situation.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 December 2009:
Lisa,
Thanks for your comment — and I’m glad you had the courage to leave your marriage after eight years! It’s sad that you had to do it, but it’s better than staying in a situation where your husband and mother-in-law are lying to you.
I wish you all the best in your future!
Laurie