What To Do When He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
What do you do if your partner doesn’t love you anymore? Emotional affairs, physical betrayals, money fights – many things can cripple a marriage or love relationship – but luckily, many things can heal it (and more importantly, heal you!).
“Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” said Khalil Gibran. “And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.”
That’s one tip for when he doesn’t love you: take a step back. Below, I describe how to “let there be spaces in your togetherness.” For more detailed info on surviving relationship breakdown and perhaps letting go, click on I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You: Seven Steps to Saving Your Relationship by Andrew G. Marshall. And read on for my tips on what to do when he doesn’t love you anymore…
What To Do When He Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Focus on yourself – not on him. For others to love and respect you, you have to love and respect yourself. To love and respect yourself, you may need to make practical, tangible changes in your life. Maybe that means losing a few pounds, going back to school, or spending more time with people you respect. Maybe it means getting up early to exercise or finding out about student loans. Write down your goals, and take specific action steps towards achieving them.
Give yourself – and him – space. One of the most important things to do when he doesn’t love you anymore is to take a step back – though your instinct is to move closer! Find your self-identity. Figure out who you are apart from your marriage, relationship, kids, and relatives. Give yourself (and him) room to breathe.
Look at your relationship objectively. You’ve been invested in this relationship for years; now, you need to look at it objectively, with your mind and gut (not your heart). Is this the relationship you wanted for yourself, before you met him? Would you want your daughter, sister, or best friend to be in this relationship? Does your partner willingly meet your needs and respect your wishes? Do you do the same for him? If you had to do it all over again, ask yourself if you’d choose him again as your partner. That may help you look at your relationship and decide if you want to stay or leave.
Stand by your man? When he doesn’t love you anymore, you can stay in the “relationship.” You have two options: accept him exactly the way he is right now and don’t complain. That’s the easiest route, or the path of least resistance, but it could destroy your soul and self-respect. A better second option is if you’re both willing to work on your relationship through counseling, support groups, or even just reading books or taking classes together. A healthy relationship can’t happen when only one partner cares enough to try to rebuild it.
Let him go? This may be the hardest thing to do, even when you know he doesn’t love you anymore. You may feel like you’re ripping your heart out, that you’ll die of heartbreak, that you’ll never love again, that you’ll never trust again…but trust me, you will get over him. It’ll take time, support from your friends, patience, and maybe even 40 days and nights of wailing and gnashing your teeth – but you will be happy again!
If your marriage is in trouble and you’re worried it won’t last, consider Amy Waterman’s marriage advice; she’s the author of Save My Marriage Today.
What do you do when he doesn’t love you anymore? If you have any tips, comments, or questions, I welcome you below!
Comment by Gini Grey on 1 June 2009:
Such an important topic to cover, Laurie, and great tips. I’m inspired to add on to a couple of these from a metaphysical/spiritual perspective (for some it may be too ‘woo woo’ but it’s worth a try)as that’s the approach I take in my own life and with clients.
Your first tip – focusing on yourself – is so important and another aspect I’ve found helpful is to focus on loving yourself with the feeling of love. Often we associate having love or feeling love when in relationship with another, thinking that if it ends so does the love, but in reality love is a state of being and a feeling vibration we carry within us and we don’t have to shut it down just because our love partner leaves, we can still keep feeling love by touching into the essence of it within us and allowing it to fill us so we don’t feel unloved anymore.
The other tip on letting him (or her) go is huge too – especially when it’s really over. What I’ve found that helps in all kinds of relationships when they end, but particularly with romantic love, is to look at the bigger picture. I mean the really, really, big picture beyond what the mind’s intellect can analyze or the body’s emotions can feel, but into that spacious soul place where you see way beyond what the visual eye can see. When we can go into that place (either by being guided by someone, or through centering within, meditating, creative journaling etc.) we see the bigger purpose in the relationship and what the gifts and lessons have been and how it no longer serves us and that this is why it is ending (no matter who is actually ending it).
When one or both couples don’t see this bigger perspective, it often takes a problem like an affair, huge arguments etc to break the couple apart (or to help them to readjust their relationship), but when seen from this higher spiritual perspective the person can see that it is either time to readjust the relationship or it is time to move on, that they don’t resonate any more, that there is something else for them to move on to that is a better fit. This helps to heal the heart tremendously.
Comment by Reen on 14 June 2009:
I gave him space and he used the space as an excuse for straying…I hate it that everytime…everything ends up being my mistake….
Comment by Anointed1 on 19 June 2009:
Reen…..I have noticed, they have a “way” of making us feel it’s our fault. I also have found myself in the same situation at times. I have promised myself, however,to never let this bother me again. I am someone, and there is someone out there who will love me exactly the way I am….Same goes for you too!!!! God Bless!
Comment by woundedheart74 on 30 July 2009:
My marriage is in big trouble, my husband does not love me anymore the same way as before because now he is having an affair with his colleague and he loves her more than me. He already told me that our relationship is over and he wants to be with this girl.He does not want to work things out, his decision is final that he wants to leave me now, his mind and his heart is closed, eventhough he will lose his family and friends he does not care, he is so selfish. But me, i am still hoping for a miracle that he will realized that he is making a mistake, but nothing is working whatever i do or say. Should i give him up and move on? But i really love him so much, we dont have kids that is why it is so easy for him to leave me, but we have been together for 7years. I am still deeply in love with him, and so confused …dont really know what to do……
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 July 2009:
My heart goes out to you, woundedheart. I do think you should move on, especially since you know he doesn’t love you anymore and he’s not interested in working things out.
I know how hard it is to let go, and I’m sorry. I wish I could tell you some magic formula that would make your husband come back to you…but there isn’t anything you can do, I don’t think. He’s moved on.
You need to take care of yourself and move on, too! Read “How to Let Go of Someone You Love” — here’s the link:
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/how-to-let-go-of-someone-you-love/
and “10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup”
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/10-tips-for-surviving-a-breakup/
I know these articles won’t heal your broken heart, but I encourage you to follow some of the tips. You may not feel like it or think it’ll help, but they are stepping stones to your future.
Your husband has ruined your marriage — don’t let him ruin your future! You can have a happy, healthy, fulfilling life without him. And one day, you’ll be ready to include a new man in your life.
Let him go and move on. The only other option is to stay in your begging, pleading, powerless position — and that’s not a good place to be.
I wish you all the best.
Laurie
Comment by woundedheart74 on 4 August 2009:
Thank you very much Laurie for all the encouragement and advices, it is still very difficult for me to accept and understand what he did, especially that i am not a native of his country, i am from Asia and he`s from Europe, i left my family and career, and lived with him in his country, i am alone here, no job, don`t know where to go and what to do, and how to start again. We never fought,just little misunderstanding sometimes, I was so confident and so secured that he really loved me, i did not have any idea that he will do this to me, bec though we don`t have kids, still we were an ideal couple, that`s why his family and all our friends were so shocked of his behaviour,from one day to another my life changed, without any clue that he will leave me for another girl.That`s why until now i can not moved on and accept the painful truth…….i hope soon i can accept the reality….
Comment by Laurie PK on 5 August 2009:
Starting over is hard…I know. Especially when you’re not in your home country. Have you considered moving back to Asia? Not that I think you should — I’m just curious!
Your first step is to get a job, I would think. You’ll feel much better about your life and ability to take care of yourself if you’re working and earning money. And, getting a job would help you meet people and make new friends.
I wish I could help….but I hope you know that I’m thinking about you, and sending positive vibes your way! If you have any questions, please do ask them here. I’ll be here for years to come
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by woundedheart74 on 15 August 2009:
Forgetting him really is not easy, Going back to Asia actually is my last option, for now i`m studying their language, w/c is one of my biggest obstacle to get a job,i`m trying to look for a job, though i worked here before but in an int`l company so did not require to speak the native language.I don`t want to leave yet, because they will be free now, and people & friends will think that i was the one who left him, because our separation is not public yet. i am planning also to go to US,because i also have US visa but for now i want to make it here and proved to both of them that i can be the best that i can be and can be as happy as before and successful without him. Thanks Laurie, i needed all your encouragements and prayers…
Comment by fniklaw on 14 October 2009:
It’s so hard to let go. I loved him more than anything, even myself. He was so mean to me at the end. He said horrible things. I could not believe that it was the same person. I was so hurt. I still feel pain and its been over six months. I want him back even though he hurt me so much. I am having trouble moving forward. I lost so many friends because I was so sad and missed him so much. I do not want this sad relationship to stop me from having strong and healthy relationships with others. I want to think happy. I want a happy life.
Comment by Missy on 1 November 2009:
I googled for help on this one – and I have to say that what you wrote is all so true, Laurie. I am in a long distance relationship, and things have been fine until this weekend. We chatted on the phone and I could sense a sort of unhappiness in his voice. He broke up with me once, and asked for me back, and we said we will try. Now, I feel he doesn’t want to be the one to pull out as he will be eating his words. I invested so much time and gave him as much love as my heart possibly could give – that is why I wanted to hear his voice last night, for hours we talked, because today – I’m going to start to love myself, give ME the time, give ME the attention. Today, I start my life without him. Hearing his voice again would only change my mind so I am cutting it clean. It hurts so bad SO BAD, but I know I m doing him a favour and me too. Thank you for your words here, Laurie. God Bless.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 3 November 2009:
Fniklaw, I’m sorry I didn’t respond earlier. Somehow your comment slipped through the cracks, and I missed it!
In your head, you want to move forward…but your heart is still with the man you loved. You CAN build a happy life. I don’t know if you’re reading this, but let me know if you are and I’ll write a few suggestions for building a happy life and thinking happy even when you’re still so sad because of your relationship breakup.
Missy, I’m so sorry that your heart is broken — but I can hear so much hope and healing and possibility in your words! You’re doing the right thing, my friend.
Sometimes love isn’t enough to make relationships work out. Sometimes we have to accept that it’s time to let go and move on….especially if you know in your heart of hearts that he doesn’t love you the way you DESERVE to be loved.
I’m glad you found your way here, Missy, and I hope to hear from you again.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by metoo on 17 November 2009:
What do you do if you’re not married? But, together for almost eight years and have three children together? And, you are a stay-at-home-mom who home schools so you don’t work outside the home? You have no money of ‘your own’ in a situation like this, where he will certainly not willingly turn over anything to you?
I can’t believe I’m here. I’ve always been independent, and left an abusive marriage only to find myself in a worse situation because though he doesn’t hit me, I seem to have given up all my power somewhere along the line?
What the hell do I do? God help me.
Comment by heartsuffering on 18 November 2009:
I think wounded heart that you should leave him. Believe me ! you should stay at that country too and work on your self to try to imrove your tatus there, you have to prove for him that you donot needhim at all but you came to Europe just to live with him which he doesnot appreciate this. you donot have to say any word but tell him to go as far as he can because oneday he will return back and asks for your forgiving where in this case you will refuse him because hopefully you will find someone who loves you. believe me it is better to find somone who loves you than find someone who you do,love.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 November 2009:
Metoo,
I’m sorry for your situation — it sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and you feel like you have no options or choices.
Can you call a local distress line or women’s helpline? Many women need to leave husbands, women who have nothing and feel dis-empowered. I think some of these women are able to rebuild their lives by seeking and accepting help from outside sources: shelters, family, friends, the government. I don’t know what resources are available in your area, but it’s worth calling to find out.
Also, can you lean on your parents or friends for help? If you decide to try and regain your power (which you CAN do), you may need to rely on others for short-term support. Remember, in a few months or a year you’ll be in a position to help others…and this is what friends and family are for.
Another thing to consider is rearranging your life, such as by working outside the home instead of home schooling. This might give you more power, as you’ll have your own income and life outside the home. I understand you made the choice to home school for important reasons, but getting out of this situation may mean making some different choices.
I wish I had better answers for you; it’s a long process to rebuild your self-identity — but you’ll be glad you did! Also — if there’s a support group of some sort in your area, it might be good to join it…the more you surround yourself with people who have survived a similar situation, the healthier and stronger you’ll be!
With best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by thesecretgarden on 23 January 2010:
hello wounded heart, we have the same situation exactly the same on ly that i have a child, if youire there can you send me a message and we could talk and try to do our best how to forget them and show them we dont need them .