3 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage
Marriage counselor Gary Neuman reappeared on the Oprah Winfrey show, to explain why men cheat and offer three ways to affair proof your marriage. Neuman is all about prevention – because it’s easier to affair proof your marriage than rebuild trust after infidelity.
“My goal is to empower women to bring out the best in their husbands, so wives can get the best out of their marriages,” said Neuman on Oprah. If women are empowered, men are less likely to cheat.
Neuman wrote The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do About It – and Oprah said that the book and the discussions are all about insight and information (not blaming wives if their husbands cheat). Here, Neuman explains three ways to affair proof your marriage…
3 Ways to Affair Proof Your Marriage
Men leave because they don’t have an emotional connection with their wives. It’s not primarily the physical intimacy that lures men away. Some men will cheat no matter what; Neuman says there’s something very wrong with them – and it’s not about the emotional disconnection in the marriage.
1. Appreciate your husband.Neuman says that one of the best ways to affair proof your marriage is to appreciate your husband. He encourages women to start conversations with their husbands when they feel emotionally disconnected. Once you start talking about it, you start reconnecting. “The more you give appreciation, the more it returns to you,” says Neuman.
This will affair proof your marriage because your husband will feel loved, appreciated, and respected at home…which makes him less likely to look for love elsewhere.
“Men receive appreciation and love from the woman they’re cheating with,” says Neuman. So, affair proof your marriage by loving and appreciating your husband as much as you can. One husband told Oprah and Neuman that the woman he cheated with called him a “Superman”, which made him want to be with her.
2. Ramp up your love life.The more physical intimacy you have with your husband, the more oxytocin (a bonding hormone) runs through both your bodies, and the closer you’ll feel. Neuman encourages women to enjoy their love lives by learning to receive pleasure from their husbands. “Women are much better givers than takers,” says Neuman. “You have to get better at receiving pleasure from your husband.”
Oprah encourages wives to remember how they were before they married their husbands: interested, interesting, and excited about the relationship and marriage.
3. Talk about cheating.Not only does Neuman encourage wives to affair proof their marriage by talking about infidelity, he thinks suspicious women can – and should – ask their husbands to take a lie detector test.
To open lines of communication, Neuman encourages couples to spend quality time together, such as going on date nights. “Talk about fun, friendly things,” says Neuman.
What about emotional cheating?Neuman makes it very clear that emotional cheating is as destructive to a marriage as physical cheating. Even interacting with other people online, over the phone, or at work can destroy marriages.
How do you know if you’re emotionally cheating? If you do something with another person that you wouldn’t do in front of your spouse, that’s an extramarital affair.
When it’s too late to affair proof your marriage…If your husband has already cheated, honesty is the key to rebuilding trust. “You have to find out what happened so that you’re looking forward and you can see where it could be happening again,” says Neuman. “That’s a must. So he has to come clean and tell you all those details.”
Don’t share things that will form the sexual image that will be difficult (or impossible) to shake, because that makes it harder to get past the affair. You can’t rebuild trust without full disclosure, tremendous remorse, and sadness. The partner who cheated has to want to recreate the friendship and be willing to put the time in.
Gary Neuman is currently writing another book about why women cheat, and how husbands can prevent their wives from having affairs.
Would you ask your spouse to take a lie detector test if you thought he or she was cheating? I think even asking such a thing tears at the fabric of a marriage because it shows a lack of trust…but if it settles the suspicions once and for all, then it might be worth it.
Comment by Jennifer Roland on 18 February 2009:
Good tips. Thanks for sharing!
Comment by siobhan on 20 February 2009:
I have read/heard this guy before and what makes me crazy is why is it up to the WIFE to do all these things? I have to be attentive, loving, sexy, interesting so HE doesn’t cheat on ME? What does HE have to do? I hope there is a chapter in there about what the husband needs to do so the wife actually WANTS to be attentive and loving.
Comment by Donna on 3 March 2009:
Once you grant that men and women are fundamentally different it is easy to grant that what has them be at their best can also be different. Of course,women also like to be appreciated but the distinction here is that appreciation is not just what a man likes …it is what gives him purpose and is what will have him produce results. I can relate to your frustration siobhan… heck… the deal hardly seems worth it. Neuman would do well to up the ante. Actually when a man is operating at his best a woman can have whatever she wants…why think small..what could you get/hold that would make it worth the effort? Thing big sister!
Comment by Lanieta on 24 March 2009:
I really dont know if I should believe my husband but this has really opened my eyes…
Comment by Bill on 8 May 2009:
This is such a load. If my wife wanted me to take a polygraph test I would leave her on principle. A marriage is trust based, a polygraph is not. F this guy
Comment by Laurie PK on 23 May 2009:
Asking your husband to take a lie detector test would be the right thing to do in certain circumstances, though it’s a major sign of distrust!
If you’re married to someone who has cheated in the past, and you have a solid reason to believe he (or she) is cheating again…then asking your spouse to take a lie detector test could be the only way to find out the truth.
Like Lanieta said — she doesn’t know if she can believe her husband. A lie detector test could ease her suspicions (or confirm them), which would allow her to move on.
So though I can’t imagine asking my husband to take one, I can see how they could be valuable.
Comment by Sanguine on 10 June 2009:
Ahem. If a wife suspects her husband is cheating, she should leave the marriage. A wife suspecting her husband with no basis can have a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Comment by Laurie PK on 11 June 2009:
If you mistakenly suspect your husband or wife is cheating, then your suspicions alone could make them cheat (even if they weren’t to begin with)?
I do understand self-fulfilling prophecies – I’m awed by them, in fact – but can your belief that someone is immoral or unethical actually cause them to become immoral or unethical? I know some psychologists believe you can raise a child to become anything you want….but can your suspicion that your wife or husband is cheating lead to them actually doing it?
Comment by Shawn Wilson on 22 July 2009:
@siobhan: Believe me, there are lists miles long of what a man needs to do for a woman so that she won’t leave him.
Comment by Carole on 26 July 2009:
Everyone’s like, “I would do this,” and “women should…” and “a woman should just leave.” Well, I have three young children, one of whom is autistic. My husband DID cheat, while I was pregnant. On top of that, (though I didn’t know at the time)while I was giving birth, his skanky b***h was babysitting my son. Guess what? My son came home with crabs in his hair–apparently that b**ch’s apartment was crawling with them. I have long hair and I got them on my head too. Yeah, the entire neighborhood knew, but not me–he humiliated me. I married a scumbag.
You speculate all you want about what you would do. Right now it’s not economical to toss him out yet. I’ll teach him the meaning of pain by the time I’m done with him. I intend to cheat on that effing jerk the first chance I get. PS: the above article sucked!