10 Tips for Talking to Your Spouse
These tips for talking to your spouse are from Dr Sue Johnson, author of Hold Me Tight: 7 Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. She focuses on marriage goals and tips for strong relationships, based on her work with emotionally focused therapy (EFT).
“Love is illogical, random and mysterious, yes?” asks Dr Johnson. ”Not anymore! We have cracked the code. In the last few years, social scientists and therapists who practice emotionally focused therapy (or EFT) have made a breakthrough. Now, at the beginning of the 21st century, we have a map to this passion, this fever that has baffled poets and lovers all through human history.”
For more info on Dr Johnson’s book, click Hold Me Tight. And, read on for her tips for talking to your spouse…
10 Tips for Talking to Your Spouse
If you and your partner tend to fight a lot, read 11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage.
1. We are born to need each other. The human brain is wired for close connection with a few irreplaceable others. Accepting your need for this special kind of emotional connection is not a sign of weakness, but maturity and strength.
2. In a marriage, there is often a mixture of anger, sadness but most of all, fear. Fear of being abandoned and rejected. This hurt registers in the same part of our brain as physical hurt, and it is hard to push these feelings aside or ignore them. One of the first tips for talking to your spouse is to pinpoint the feeling and then to send clear messages about this hurt to the one you love. If you and your spouse are dealing with infidelity, read Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair.
3. The strongest among us are those who can reach for others. Love is the best survival strategy of all. We all long for a safe haven love relationship. Self-sufficiency is just another word for loneliness. So, if you’re looking for a tip for talking to your spouse, just say what is in your heart!
4. Relationships can survive partners being very different. Even if you think you are from different planets, it’s okay! The one thing love can’t survive is constant emotional disconnection. This tip for talking to your spouse revolves around the fact that conflict is often less dangerous for your love than distance.
5. There is no perfect lover. That is only in the movies. We shut down when we think we have failed as lovers, when we have disappointed. But our lover doesn’t want perfect performance. In the end he or she needs our emotional presence, which is a key tip for talking to your spouse.
6. The fights that matter are never about sex, money or the kids. That is just the ripple on the surface of the sea. They are about someone protesting, often in an indirect way that is hard to understand, the loss of safe emotional connection. The most terrible trap in marriage is when one person really wants to say, “Where are you? Do I matter to you?” but instead becomes critical and demanding and the other person feels hopeless and inadequate and moves away. The lovers then get caught in emotional starvation, stalemate and more and more disconnection.
7. We only have two ways to deal with the vulnerability of love when we can’t connect. Get mad and move in fast to break down the other’s walls or try not to care so much and build a wall to protect yourself. Which one do you do? One tip for talking to your spouse is to overcome your past ways of coping in relationships.
8. An affectionate relationship is the best recipe for a long and happy life that exists. Holding your lover tight is the ultimate antidote to stress. Cuddle hormones turn off stress hormones!
9. Lasting passion is entirely possible in love. Infatuation is just the prelude. An attuned loving bond is the symphony. This kind of bond creates what I call synchrony sex, which is another way of talking to your spouse.
10. The key moments in love are when partners open up and ask for what they need and the other partner responds. This demands courage but this is the moment of magic and transformation.
Do you have any questions or thoughts on these tips for talking to your spouse? Feel free to share them below!
Dr. Sue Johnson is a psychologist and the developer of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.
Comment by Nancy on 23 May 2009:
Thank you for so many great articles. My husband and I read new articles every morning in hopes to improve our marriage. We went through a rough patch and am trying to smooth things out for the future. In hopes that it wouldn’t happen again. We are looking for new ways to cope with problems instead of having problmes make things worse. I use different sites for different articles and they’re all wonderful information. Thanks again. “surferwife”
Comment by Laurie PK on 24 May 2009:
Surferwife Nancy, thanks for visiting and commenting! That’s great that you and your hubby are actively working towards improving your marriage. It can be energy and time-consuming to have marriage goals and actually work to achieve them, but….it’s so worth it.
I’m glad you came through the rough patch; I think the lows unite us more than the highs ever could.
By the way, I loved your question on self-tanning. You may have already seen that I answered it in my article http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/health-wellness/self-tanners-tanning-without-burning-in-the-sun/ .
I hope it helps. If you have any more questions, fire away!
Laurie
Comment by Siri on 1 June 2009:
My husband isn’t interested in me physically. He wants to do second marriage with my permission. He says he wants to be with me and he loves me so much. Could you suggest what should I do?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 August 2009:
Hi Siri,
I’m sorry I missed your question — I don’t know how it slipped past me! Usually I answer questions fairly quickly.
I suggest you and your husband go to couples counseling (if it’s not too late!). A second marriage isn’t legal in many countries, though it might depend on where you live.
I also suggest that you figure out what you want your marriage to be like, and do whatever you can to achieve that goal. If your husband and you can’t compromise on what your marriage should be like, then you might have to consider not being married to him.
It’s possible for you and your husband to find happiness, but it does require some work and compromise on both your parts!
I wish you all the best,
Laurie