11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage – Relationship Help
Do you have problems talking to your spouse? These tips for fighting fair in marriage, from marriage and family therapist Heather McKechnie, will help you build a healthy relationship without a lot of stress!
Before the tips, a marriage tip from Ann Landers:
“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest–never vicious or cruel,” said Landers. “Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.”
And that’s what McKechnie’s marriage tips are about: communicating clearly and honestly. For more tips on building a healthy marriage, click on You Don’t Have to Change Who You Are to Have a Great Marriage by Dr Max Vogt. And, read on for McKechnie’s tips for fighting fair in marriage…
11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
1. Take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour. Take time to think before you speak or act, and admit it if you make a mistake. Don’t blame your partner. For help with infidelity in marriage, read Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair or Why Men Cheat.
2. Be honest about yourself and what you have done, and let others do the same. Sharing honest thoughts and feelings is difficult, but it’s key to fighting fair in marriage.
3. Say, “I feel sad, angry, hurt, etc.” Don’t say, “It feels like…” Own your feelings, rather than trying to shift blame or guilt onto others for the feelings they trigger.
4. Never interpret yourself or someone else. It’s easier to keep communication open if you let people ask questions. Similarly, ask questions when you don’t understand — don’t try to guess what your partner thinks. When in doubt, ask for clarification. This isn’t just a tip for fighting fair in marriage, it works in all aspects of life!
5. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings. Your feelings come from within ourselves, not from other people. When we attribute your feelings to other people, you lose our right to own them.
6. No name-calling. Calling names reflects our frustration in feeling misunderstood and serves only to make the other person defensive. When conversations turn to this, no one wins – and it doesn’t help you fight fair in marriage! Read 10 Tips for Talking to Your Spouse for communication tips.
7. Don’t bring up issues from the past. When you bring up old hurts or disappointments, it can be overwhelming and distracting. Piling on old issues only increases frustration and decreases hope.
8. Do not hit, scream, spit, throw or abuse in any way. There is no benefit to any conversation that has deteriorated to this level. To fight fair in marriage, stay in touch with yourself and your feelings. Learn to recognize when your patience ends and anger builds. For more marriage tips, read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship.
9. Don’t badmouth your partner to your children or anyone else. We all need outlets to vent our frustrations – but filling a friend, child or relative’s ear with criticisms benefits no one. It is not fair to burden a child with adult issues that they have no control over. If you can’t resolve conflicts, consider professional help to build a better marriage or explore the wide variety of self-help books that may assist you both.
10. Recognize your limits. If you feel yourself losing it, call a time-out. This is an important tip for fighting fair in marriage — and it needs to be accepted before discussions begin. It is amazing how a 5-minute break can diffuse a heated conversation! It’s also important to recognize that your limit is likely to be different than your partner’s.
11. Remember to breathe and stay calm. This seems like such a simple tip for fighting fair in marriage, but breathing works wonders! When concentrating, most people tend to hold their breath. This forces the body to move into a survivor mode, which decreases the ability to listen. By focusing on our breath, we can maintain a calm and detached discussion that increases the likelihood of both partners feeling honored, cherished and understood.
“Learning to fight fair is an ongoing process,” McKechnie says. “No one is able to keep these simple rules in mind all of the time. However, with practice and compassion, they can become an integral part of an enriching and committed relationship.”
Heather McKechnie is a registered marriage and family therapist and certified hypnotherapist in Ontario, Canada. For more info about her and her services, visit McKechnie Counseling Services.
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Comment by Laurie PK on 29 June 2009:
Here’s another reason we need to learn to fight fair in marriage: a good relationship or strong marriage can act as a buffer for those exposed to work-related stress.
“A good marriage reduces the negative effects of work stress on our health. But poor relationships will amplify the negative effects,” say Ann-Christine Andersson Arntén in a new doctoral dissertation from the University of Gothenburg, Sweden.
In her survey, people who felt they had a good relationship experienced better health than those who had a more problematic relationship. Women with a poorly-functioning or unhealthy relationship experienced more anxiety, mental stress and sleeping difficulties than women in good relationships or marriages.
Men who had a mediocre relationship had a higher incidence of depression, anxiety, psychological and somatic stress reactions than men with worse or better relationships.
One explanation can be that people living with a mediocre relationship take more responsibility to improve the relationship, while those with poor relationships just admit it, and don’t feel they can do anything about it.
Source: ScienceDaily, “Partner Relationship as a Buffer Against Stress.” (June 29, 2009)
Comment by Mike on 3 December 2009:
Great post. I find the difficulties and choices made by couples in how they resolve disputes to be fascinating. Learning “how” to fight is an important skill for any couple. I’d love to read more on this topic.
Click my name to read a recent article I particularly enjoyed on couples’ fighting fair.
I’d love to see more like it. Thanks!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 December 2009:
Thanks for your comment, Mike.
It’s interesting that some couples believe that NOT fighting in marriage is a sign of a healthy relationship. But, that’s not true…a healthy marriage is one that involves “good” arguments.
Comment by Mike on 31 December 2009:
I agree. There needs to be healthy disputes for growth in my mind.
Glad you enjoyed the article. I have stumbled upon their blog like I did yours and have really enjoyed their insights.