Comments on: Surviving a Break Up – 10 Tips for When Your Relationship Ends

By: Dru

Dru — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:51:36 +0000

I have been in a physical and emtional abusive relationship for off and on for five years. I feel I as much emtionally abusive at the end as he was. He put me in the hosptial twice during this time. He bruised my kidneys twice.
I cannot seem to leave this person. When I do get away and things start going well for me he shows up. I suddenly stop my progress and go back to him. Now he is trying to break away and I am chasing after him no matter how bad he treats me.
I feel like I am losing my mind. I can’t stop myself.

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 13:28:21 +0000

Dear Annie,

I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time surviving this breakup! That hardest part of when a relationship ends is often the first few weeks.

It sounds like your weak spot is calling him at the end of the day. It’s like the habit of mindless snacking — most people eat more food at the end of the day, when they’re tired and unable to make good decisions! That’s you: you’re tired, lonely, and maybe even stressed at the end of the day, so you call your ex-boyfriend.

I encourage you to do something different. Instead of calling him, make a pact with a friend that you’ll call her instead. Or, go to Pilates class, out for a walk, or for a bike ride. Instead of calling him, write in your journal or take a bubble bath. The idea is to distract yourself by doing something else — because you KNOW that calling him isn’t a good idea, and you KNOW you want to survive this breakup!

You need to tap into your strength, courage, and wisdom. It’s there inside of you…….but you need to help yourself by using it to get over this relationship.

Try that for 2 or 3 weeks — doing something you love to do instead of calling him — and let me know how it goes, okay?

Blessings,
Laurie

By: annie

annie — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 12:30:16 +0000

I had arelaionship for 2and a half years now.my boyfriend and me had many problems bt always sorted it out among ourselves until he went 2 pune 6 months back.after that he became a changed person givin me less or no time at all.he started ignorin my calls and get irritated whenever i asked him any questions.he kept sayin that it is necessary for our future but somehow i didnot believe him and realised that it is the end.today i m trying 2 get over him bt i cant.whatever i do i end up caling him at the end of the day and get insulted over and over again.i am suffering terribly.i cant sleep,nor do any work or talk normally to people.i tried hard 2 get back 2 normal life bt couldnt.please help me.

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 13:49:40 +0000

Hi Amanda,

Surviving a breakup and healing from a relationship that was four years long can take a long time, especially if you were happy with your boyfriend. It sounds like you and he were very connected and had been through a lot together…which of course makes letting go and moving on much more difficult.

But, you can have fond memories and an attachment to someone who you just can’t be in a relationship with. You may even still love him a little…but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together, or that you’ll have a strong happy relationship.

I’m glad you’re in a new relationship, and encourage you to focus on building a healthy connection with him. You might also consider seeing a counselor for a session or two, to get specific ideas for getting closure on your old relationship. Sometimes we just need to talk our feelings through with someone who is objective and supportive.

I wish you all the best, and hope you find closure from your past relationship, and happiness in your new one!

Blessings,
Laurie

By: amanda

amanda — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 19:42:25 +0000

My former partner and I broke up after he was out of town and got into an orgy with other people. He called me the next morning with such hurt and regret and was willing to do anything to work things out. We had been together over 4 years and had planned a future together. I told him I needed space and time apart and to myself. He had been seriously depressed in our relationship for sometime after remembering previous childhood sexual abuse during a counseling session. After our breakup I know that he was at the lowest point in his life, and I felt that getting back together would not be good for either of us.
It’s over 4 years later now, and by some circumstances we are in the same place again. We have both been away for 4 years.
Just being back in the same environment, seeing mutual friends, I think of him a lot. I’ve tried so hard to work on closure but I can’t seem to get it. I have forgiven him for what he did completely. And I feel a little guilt for abandoning him during this low point in his life, but because his actions hurt me I knew I needed to make my own space and be selfish for awhile.
I am in a long distance relationship now. It hasn’t been an easy one, but I have been able to imagine myself with this person as a future partner. It is further complicated by not being able to be in the same place as we are US-Canadian couple. I am not ready to give up on this new relationship as I think there is real potential there but my heart and mind are in such confusion. I want to see my former boyfriend to gain closure, but I also find myself daydreaming of being happy in a relationship with him again.
I never would have thought healing from this relationship would take just as long as the relationship itself?!!!

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 14:29:28 +0000

Dear Jamie,

I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. He’s wrong when he says that it doesn’t matter that he texts and emails other women…that IS a form of cheating, and it is harmful for your relationship.

Yes, I believe people and patterns can change…but only if they see the problem and if they want to change. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand how much his contact with other women hurts your relationship, then he won’t be motivated to change. And if he’s not motivated, then change is awfully difficult.

I think you know that you shouldn’t be with him, but you’re heartbroken that your relationship ended. You don’t want to be alone, he’s wonderful in so many ways, you love him, and maybe it’ll be a long time before you love like this again. I totally understand that…but I encourage you not to settle for second best. He’s not treating you with love and respect, and you deserve a man who does.

So, I encourage you to survive this break up by focusing on the type of relationship and man you want. Grieve this loss, and focus on the future. You WILL love and laugh again, and you will wonder why it took you so long to let go of a man who wouldn’t let go of his past girlfriends.

I hope you heal quickly — let me know how things are going in a few weeks!

Blessings,
Laurie

By: jamie

jamie — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 15:17:44 +0000

I am struggling so badly. I dated a wonderful – well in most ways – man since April. He spends his time with me – but cheats thru texting and email to other women. I have broken it off several times, but always ended up going back. We always broke up over his unwillingness to give up contact with former girlfriends. He thinks because he spends time with me – the other doesn’t matter. I know in my heart it does – but I love him with all my heart. I recently broke it off again, but am dying of a broken heart right now. Can patterns like his ever change? He says he loves me. My head and heart are in such conflict.

By: Raven

Raven — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 17:48:59 +0000

Thanks for the advice Laurie. My guilt is more of me failing to be there with all my heart and I don’t like to fail. I guess it really pains me because we kept in touch and now when I want to move on it complicates matters. I am trying not to talk to her as I used to and I know she likes to hear talk to me and likes that I listen to her concerns/worries. Having her in my life and my new girlfriend is NOT good since I just get reminded of the good times and bad times, and the failures of our relationship. I am trying to give 100% of a happy me to my new girlfriend. I know I have to let go and not talk to her anymore, for the sake of my new relationship (of which I am very happy about).

Once again thanks for the advice. It really helps to hear your thoughts.

By: Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 02:27:46 +0000

Hi Raven,

There’s nothing wrong with you, my friend. You’re a normal person who loved and lost. It’s HARD to survive a breakup, to let go of someone you love. And, it’s difficult to be a nice guy and feel like you’re turning your back on someone you once cared about.

My husband felt similarly about his ex-girlfriend, but he eventually had to let her go completely in order for us to build a strong marriage. It’s sad, and difficult, but it’s usually the best thing for new love relationships (unless you have kids together, in which you just learn to blend the past with the present).

Regarding your feelings of guilt: guilt is only appropriate when you’ve done something wrong. Did you do something wrong in your prior relationship? If so, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. But remember, breaking up with someone is not something to feel guilty about. Not doing your best in a relationship isn’t something to feel guilty about. Maybe you made mistakes, but you need to forgive yourself and move forward.

If you’re really struggling, I suggest seeing a counselor. An objective person can help you sort through your appropriate feelings of loss and sadness, and your possibly inappropriate feelings of guilt or responsibility.

My final thought is to learn how to let go of someone you love. Here’s a link to an article on letting go of someone you love — it’s one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips, which shows how common and normal your feelings are!

How to Let Go of Someone You Love

I hope this helps a little, and invite you to update me anytime!

Best wishes,
Laurie

By: elizabeth ambrose

elizabeth ambrose — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 09:16:53 +0000

this one helped me. thanks so much..