Surviving a Break Up – 10 Tips for When Your Relationship Ends
Are you surviving a broken heart? These ten tips for getting over a break up can help with the sadness and depression you feel after breaking up (divorce, separation, or other loss).
First, a quip from Delphine Hirsh, author of The Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Breakup:
“From the first moment that you have the wind knocked out of you by hearing in one way or another that the relationship is over, you must ruthlessly prioritize doing as little as possible,” she writes. “By that I mean you must accept that you are in shock and that you should expect nothing from yourself other than to keep breathing.”
Click The Girl’s Guide to Surviving a Breakup for more tips from Hirsh. And learn how to let go of a bad break up and survive a broken heart with these ten tips…
10 Tips for Surviving a Breakup
1. Sniff your way to happiness. Michelle Schoffro Cook, author of The Brain Wash, says, “Natural scents have a direct pathway to the brain and research shows that some chemical constituents of aromatherapy oils, particularly…sesquiterpenes can cross the blood-brain barrier and increase oxygen flow to the brain.” Extra oxygen in your brain increases energy, immune function, learning, attitude and positive emotions…all of which you need if your relationship ends!
2. Soak in classical, easy listening or rock ‘n roll music to reduce pain and depression. Faster, major keys cool your brain, which lifts your mood and helps you stay happy after heartbreak. You know what songs work for you: find music from a different, happier era of your life. Don’t know what to listen to? Read The Best Songs for Broken Hearts.
3. Paint, arrange photographs, sculpt, or draw. Making art strengthens your sense of self and contributes to feelings of normalcy. Plus it’s relaxing. Creativity increases serotonin levels and reduces stress; it also improves blood pressure and heart rate. Anything artistic can help create you create a new identity and even let go of someone you love.
4. Skip the evening news to elevate your mood and bolster your immune system. Ongoing exposure to depressing, negative information can make you paranoid, anxious and physically unhealthy – and the news will not keep you happy after heartbreak. Skipping the evening news will help you produce fewer stress-related hormones that contribute to high blood pressure, depression, digestive disorders, and a weaker immune system. The healthier you are, the faster you’ll heal after a break up.
5. Get a massage, because it does more than alleviate sore muscles. To survive a breakup, make sure you get lots of healthy touch! Emotional struggles, such as depression and eating disorders, are positively affected by massage because it reduces the amount of cortisol in your system and promotes an overall sense of well-being. According to the Massage Therapy Association of Manitoba, “massage promotes elimination of waste products, improves flow of nutrients to body tissues, and increases circulation to all parts of the body.” The healthier and happier you feel, sooner you’ll survive when your relationship ends.
6. Imagine a bright, loving, hopeful future. Guided imagery involves three steps: 1) relaxing; 2) focusing on pain; 3) replacing painful feelings with healthy images. Visualizing what you want your future to look like can help you achieve your goals – and it floods your body with positive chemicals and feelings. Most physical, emotional and behavioural symptoms are affected by your thoughts and attitude; positive images can help you survive a broken relationship. For more break up tips, read What to do When He Doesn’t Love You Anymore.
7. Arm yourself with the protective shield of broccoli. Eating nutritiously and taking care of your body is difficult when you’re in pain or grieving – but it’s when you’re down and out that your body needs nutrition the most. Avoid refined sugar, heavy meats, processed foods, and caffeine because they make you feel sluggish and tired, which will not help you survive a broken relationship – especially if you’ve split up with your partner. Eat fish, whole grains, raw nuts, seeds, beans, legumes, wild rice and of course plenty of fruits and vegetables.
8. Explore museums and solve crossword puzzles. Using your brain to get into the flow of an activity – whether it’s exploring an art gallery or solving a Sudoku puzzle – will help you escape the painful feelings and let go of someone you love (even if it’s just for a short time). When you’re focused on a puzzle or intellectual pursuit you’re not thinking about your pain or ex-partner. This tip for surviving a break up may even help you meet new people…
9. Dig into your spirituality (prayer, communing with nature and reading sacred books) increases optimism and positive feelings. Pursuing spirituality within a group (a church or synagogue, for instance) increases your social support system, coping skills, and self-image. Recently, researchers found that even people who pray online have fewer negative emotions and higher levels of well-being. When your relationship ends, try connecting to God or the universe. You’ll feel less fearful and anxious, which will improve your health and immune system.
10. Strive for balance (it’s the key to emotional and physical health). If you’re frantically juggling personal, professional, volunteer and social activities, there’s no doubt that your emotional health will suffer and you’ll have a hard time surviving a breakup. Overdoing it can also include spending too much time alone watching tv, lying in bed, or snoozing. Balance means leaving work or volunteer duties to spend time with family and friends – or pulling away from family and friends to read, walk, or pursue a new hobby.
If you have any questions or tips for surviving a broken heart, I welcome your thoughts below…
If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
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Comment by Lynn on 3 January 2009:
Very helpful//I was in a sexless marriage 1 yr/3 mos 29 days and it hurt to leave but I was not growing//simply dying//a lot of the principles you describe/ I have actually done on my way to Healing///thx so much///Lynn
Comment by Debbie on 15 February 2009:
Through researching the net, i have found that i was in an additive relationship. He was controlling. looking back, i see all the signs now. the problem is, is that i cannot seem to let go of the good times, and the feeling that my heart knows it found my soul mate, because that was how our relationship seemed. he has too many issues to deal with, and holds back on our relationship. i can no longer deal with this, but it hurts like hell. thank you for your support. i know i will get through this.
Comment by Laurie PK on 15 February 2009:
That’s one of the hardest parts of surviving a breakup – remembering the good times, and letting go of the past anyway! Most people have great qualities and most relationships are full of wonderful moments, which is party why breaking up is so hard to do.
Best wishes getting over your ex, Debbie. Keep reminding yourself how destructive the relationship was! That may make it easier to get over him.
Comment by Kelly Daggett on 23 February 2009:
Exellent! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom.
Comment by Lorraine on 14 June 2009:
I have a male friend on SS disability and recently his exwife was able to obtain an order whereby she receives a portion of this. This man is very bitter that he has to give her this money because he feels she is able to go out and earn a living while he is 100% disabled. Can you possibly comment on this and help this man to move forward and not concentrate so much on this negative side of his life?
Thanks
Comment by Carla Morelli on 14 June 2009:
Hi Lorraine,
It’s unfortunate when people find themselves in spots that are both emotionally AND financially difficult. Those times are some of the hardest to get through. It wouldn’t be fair to comment on his situation with limited information, but without question, the emotional energy he’s investing would be more powerful and much more effective if it was focused on his future rather than on what was “done” to him.
He alone controls what he does next – emotionally, financially, and physically. Though he is 100% disabled, there may be options for generating income that can, at a minimum, offset what is being redirected to his ex-wife. People with severe disabilities have gone on to do amazing things, and many of them will tell you they’re just regular people with an extra challenge. With the right focus, your friend could well become one of those people.
The sooner he starts working on building a positive life, the more time he’ll have to enjoy it. Every day that he spends resenting his situation costs him one more day of feeling good, and only he can choose to change that.
Hope this helps!
Comment by Laurie PK on 14 June 2009:
Moving forward and focusing on the positive side of life is a conscious choice that he’ll have to make every single day — or even several times a day, or several times an hour! I think focusing on “the bright side of the street” is a habit we have to cultivate, especially when bad things happen to us financially and emotionally.
But the good news is: the more we cultivate that perspective (being grateful for what we do have, instead of bitter over what we’ve lost) – the easier it gets.
I don’t know how you can convince your friend that he needs to consciously change how he thinks of his situation…but I do know that he’s lucky to have you as a friend, Lorraine! Being grateful for friends like you is definitely one way to be more positive about life.
Can he do volunteer work? That often helps people feel better about their lives, and it’s also proven to improve physical health. If you or another friend volunteers somewhere, maybe he could go with you for a “test run”?
It’s hard to help people who can’t or won’t help themselves…and it can be difficult to know what kind of help to offer. Sometimes time heals — maybe he just needs to grieve and be bitter for a season (hopefully not a long one), and then he’ll be ready to move on.
I hope these ideas help a little! Do let me know how things are going.
Laurie
Comment by Vicki on 1 July 2009:
I have been in a relationship with Dave for 9 years. I have felt for a long time that this was not the right relationship for me. I thought moving, and buying a house, would bring us together. Make partners of us. Things have never been bad, but they just weren’t good. They were. We lived as roommates, leading separate lives with separate interests, coming together over TV and dinner. There’s been no intimacy in years, and still, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. And then, a year ago, I met and fell in love with another man. He has been the best thing to ever happen to me.
Now Dave knows about Mark. He finally admitted that he has been unhappy almost as long as I have. And now that we both realize our contributions to the failed relationship, Dave wants to work on things, believing we can make this work this time. I was ready to end things with Dave, and had done a lot of healing before I met Mark. Now, I feel I owe it to myself and Dave to give this a try. To see if things can be better.
My question is, how do I let go of Mark? He has been everything I never knew I wanted. There are no negatives, no painful memories, only great ones. But I do this in order to be sure, with complete certainty, that this isn’t what I want, changes and all.
Thanks.
Comment by Laurie PK on 1 July 2009:
Vicki, that’s great that you’ve been honest with Dave — and he’s been honest with you! A sure sign of a healthy relationship.
How do you let go of Mark? One way is to remember that you haven’t lived with him, slept beside him for years, bought a house with him, seen him when he was sick, etc. In other words, you haven’t lived through the hardest part of love relationships with him! It’s easy to be all ga-ga and in love with someone that you haven’t lived with for years….new loves are exciting and passionate.
But you know what? I like my “old love” better. I love our ups and downs, the fights and boring times, the great connections and intimate times. To let go of someone you’re not meant to be with, you need to focus on the great things you have in your current relationship.
And, don’t buy into the Hollywood “happily ever after” shtick. In the movies and on TV, love is exciting and fun and romantic and passionate…….but real, commited, long-term love can’t always be like that. If it was, we’d never get any work done, we’d never achieve our other goals!
You may have built Mark up into something amazing and wonderful in your mind. In reality, after a few years of living together, you’d find that he brings his own set of relationship problems. They may be different than Dave’s, but they’re still there.
Just like you said: there are no negatives or painful memories with Mark. Remembering that is exactly how you get over him! He’s fresh, new and exciting…and he doesn’t have history or shared memories.
Focus on what you love about Dave — and his amazing commitment to you. I wouldn’t push away or suppress your exciting passionate; there’s nothing wrong with it. Keep your love for Mark in your heart, and cherish it. It can exist without you having to leave Dave or uproot your life.
What say you?
Now I’m off to respond to your other comment — I liked that one!
Laurie
Comment by Reuben on 16 July 2009:
Laurie, just to let you know that your comment to Vicki made my day. It helped me a lot, I have experienced something similar to Vicki and i was getting carried away the “hollywood, happily ever after”. Thanks for your words !
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 July 2009:
Thanks for stopping by, Reuben — I’m so glad I could help. And, I’m glad you recognize the “Hollywood happily ever after” myth! It destroys relationships by building false expectations (don’t get me started
)
Comment by Kristin on 9 August 2009:
5 years after my husband abandoned my 2 month old son and I and moved back to Italy to avoid paying child support I met a wonderful man and began dating him. My 5 year old son loved him as well. 2 months into our relationship I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My new boyfriend assured me he loved me and wanted to see me through this and that we would get through it together.
Well, he lasted about as long as my hair did. He dumped me shortly after my 4th chemo treatment while I was very sick. We were together for a total of 8 months but because of the situation my son and I had to move in with him so our relationship took on a much greater degree of intensity for the amount of time we were together. He said he just didn’t think he was ready for a long term relationship. He is 49 with 2 teenagers and divorced for 6 years before I met him.
We ended things amicably because he did help me out so much for the 4 of 16 treatments I had to endure. 3 weeks after we broke up I found out he had a new girlfriend(through the grapevine)which indicates to me he was probably cheating on me while I was living in his house sick from the chemo. He continues to contact me weekly. At first I told him I needed some time before transitioning to a friend only status. It’s been since Feb. since we broke up and I’ve accepted his freindship offer by resuming contact with him. I’m pretty sure he has broken up with the new girl now and he calls, emails or texts me on a weekly basis. He also wants to spend time with my son who now is 6 yrs old but he never includes me for these visitations.
Our friendship is limited to communicating by phone, email or text and our conversations are very topical. I have since began declining on his offers to spend time with my son independent of me because I feel it’s confusing for my son who has questioned me why mommy is never included in their visits like she used to be and “since he doesn’t have a girlfriend anymore things can go back to normal”. I feel it is a bit inappropriate for such a young child to have an independent relationship with a man who is opposed to including me in their outings. I trust him with my son, but it just seems strange to me.I counter his offers by inviting him and his children to join us at the pool, at church, etc. and while he seems interested in doing this, he always cancels at the last minute do to what he calls scheduling conflicts. Also, I worry about if this guy meets a new woman, he will no longer have time for my son and my child will bear the burden of a broken heart. This man didn’t have any interest in spending time with my son until about a month ago-coincidently about the time I think he broke up with the new girl. He is always the one to initiate contact not me-but then he never makes the jump to actually have any kind of relationship with me.
I am okay with just being friends with him, but friends have an active relationship don’t they? I am also wondering if it is probable that he has an alterior motive like wanting to ease back into dating me.
What is your take on this and what advice would you give me moving forward. I would be lying to say I wouldn’t consider dating him again but I am also realistic enough to know I would have to contemplate that long and hard before actually agreeing to it. Then again, he hasn’t exactly given me any indication he wants to date me again. I am now finished with all my cancer treatments and the hair is growing back-about an inch and a half so I’m starting to look like my old self again(somewhat)
Sorry for the length of this but thought you would need all the facts before giving your opinion.
Thank you.
Kristin
Comment by Mike on 17 August 2009:
I have a friend who is extremely disrespectful to me and is very selfish. All she thinks about is herself. she is draining when I hangout with her. she emailed me and said that she didn’t want to be friends with me anymore and so I said ok with me. then she emailed me back again and said friends have disagreements and she wants to still be friends with me. like what is her problem? she is playing with me?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 17 August 2009:
Hmmmm…it sounds like you already know what her problem is! She’s selfish and disrespectful, and she doesn’t care about your feelings. She sounds a little unstable, too. Maybe she acts on impulse, before she thinks, and that’s why she changed her mind about being friends with you.
Have you ever heard of an “energy vampire”? That’s what she sounds like. Google that phrase, and you’ll learn what it means….I bet your friend fits the description!
Maybe you shouldn’t be friends with her anymore – she doesn’t sound like a real friend, anyway. That “breakup” won’t be hard to survive, I wouldn’t think!
Good luck
Laurie
Comment by Mike on 17 August 2009:
Thanks Laurie. I just don’t get a friend like that. Is that a trait that they learned from someone else or are they born with that attitude? I looked up what an energy vampire is and you’re right on the money. That’s so her. I felt like she just used me and took me for granted. I’m single and the type of guy to appreciate the people in my life.
Comment by Bryce on 17 August 2009:
Do you go with your gutt instinct when you make a choice or decision in your life? I like this woman but she’s married. I am staying away from her because my feelings for her are strong and I know its not the right to do. I spent time with her and that’s how the feelings developed. This is not good I know but I’ve been keeping myself busy to remove her from my head. What else can I do?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 August 2009:
Hi Mike,
Your question (was your friend born with certain personality traits, or did she learn them?) is something psychologists and scientists have studied for years….without finding an answer! It’s the old “nature versus nurture” debate.
Some experts believe we are born with certain personality traits, and our environment affects them to some extent. Others believe that our environment totally shapes who we are, and the personality traits we’re born with aren’t as important. I think most experts believe that it’s a combination of innate characteristics and our environment (parents, siblings, society, schools, etc) that make us who we are.
The only way to find out for sure how much we learn from our surroundings is to take two identical twins and raise them in two different environments. Then, watch them as they grow up: are the same, or different? If they’re the same, then nature is the key factor. If they’re different, then nuture is it.
So there’s no easy answer — but I suspect she was allowed to be selfish for most of her life, so she treats people with disrespect. We’re ALL born with a selfish streak (to help us survive!), but most of us have parents who teach us to consider other people’s feelings and needs.
Her parents may not have taught her to respect others….which means she might have to learn it as an adult. If, that is, she runs into people who confront her about her behavior. Or, she might never learn how to treat others well….
I hope this helps to answer your question!
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 August 2009:
Hi Bryce,
When you’re making a decision in life, you go with both your gut instincts and your intellectual, rational brain. You weigh the pros and cons, figure out what the consequences are, and make a decision based on the best outcome for as many people as possible.
I don’t think your attraction to this woman is a “gut instinct.” It’s a physical attraction — but that’s not the same as your gut. I admire your decision to keep away from this woman — because affairs with married women rarely offer the “best outcome for as many people as possible.”
Limiting your contact with her is a great idea. And, remember that just because you’re attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have to act on it! You’ll be attracted to many women throughout your life….but that doesn’t mean you fool around with them. It’s just a physical attraction. Those feelings come and go, and they’re not based on thoughtful, wise life decisions.
Accept that you feel attracted, be sad that it’s to bad that she’s married, and keep your eyes open for single, available, interesting women! And remember — even when you get married, you’ll still be attracted to people. But, you (hopefully) won’t act on that attraction because you’re a rational, thoughtful, moral human being (not an animal).
Get out and meet fun people — do interesting things with available women! Leave us old married ladies alone
Laurie
Comment by Mike on 18 August 2009:
Laurie, you’re great! thanks for shedding some light on this. Learned something new from you and you are on point with it. I want to know when will the right time be for me? do you believe in destiny? or Fate? is there such a thing? or is it meant to be because you make it happen on the person that’s for you?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 August 2009:
Mike, I’m glad I could help!
Regarding destiny or fate versus “making things happen”…I believe in both. For instance, my husband and I got married after 17 years of being close friends, losing contact with each other for 3 years, and then finding each other again. Were we meant to be together? Or was it because I was finally ready to get married and settle down, and so I called him (and the day I called just happened to be his birthday — is that fate?).
I do believe in destiny or fate, but I also believe we have to take action to achieve our goals. I believe in God, but I also believe that we need take care of ourselves, to act on our own behalf, and to work hard to get what we want out of life.
I also believe that we need to be emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy before fate or destiny “blesses” us with good things. For instance, I wasn’t ready to be married in my 20s and early 30s – maybe I wasn’t healthy enough (or, maybe I just wanted to live as a single woman for a long time!).
To accept what fate, destiny, God, the universe, or however you look at it offers, we need to be able to reach out. We have to be aware and open-minded.
Good question!
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 19 August 2009:
Thanks for your questions, Kelly and Peter! Since they aren’t related to surviving a breakup, I moved them to different articles…
Kelly, I moved your question “Do you believe in astrology and psychic readings? What’s your aspect on that?” to Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic.
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/mind-soul/5-tips-for-taming-your-inner-critic/
And Peter, I moved your question “Why do people like to judge other people? is it because they are insecure of themselves so they judge? To “7 Tips for Personal Growth and Self-Development”.
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/mind-soul/7-tips-for-personal-growth-and-self-development/
Thanks for being here, and I look forward to seeing you on those other threads later today…
Laurie
Comment by Kate on 23 August 2009:
I have a friend who’s married to a great guy. Get this though, on weekends she goes out and spends time with another married man all day and night and chats for hours online with the married man. For me, I see that as cheating already, isn’t that cheating? My friend is a really good manipulative liar. Need your input. I’m staying away from that cuz I think it’s a mess already.
Comment by Laurie PK on 24 August 2009:
Hi Kate,
Ugh…yes, that’s definitely cheating. What a drag — it’s too bad she can’t appreciate her husband and stay away from married men.
Not sure what you can do, other than not supporting her in her cheating. The people you hang out with definitely rub off on you, so I’d suggest not hanging out with her. Not that cheating is “catching” or anything! Just that her manipulation and lies aren’t good juju….those nasty vibes and bad energy affects the people she’s in contact with.
I think you’re right to stay away from it.
Good luck,
Laurie
Comment by Kate on 24 August 2009:
Thanks Laurie for your response. I appreciate it.
Comment by Nick on 25 August 2009:
how do you forget a toxic friend?
Comment by Bill on 25 August 2009:
My wife is I suspect cheating on me. I can tell that she dresses up when she goes out without me, comes home at odd hours, drops off our son at a friends house so she can go out alone and probably meet up with her lover and acts different when she’s at home like she is guilty in something she did. How do I handle this?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 25 August 2009:
Hi Nick,
I think I’ll write an article about how to forget toxic friends. When I do, I’ll post the link here. Won’t be long!
Laurie
Comment by Laurie PK on 25 August 2009:
Hi Bill,
Have you talked to your wife about her behavior, and your suspicions that she’s cheating? That might be a good first step.
I encourage you to try to talk to her about what might be missing in your marriage. Why is she going out without you? What can you do to meet her halfway, so you two can have a happier, more fulfilling marriage?
That’s the best thing to do right now….and then, once you figure out where she’s at, and if she’s ready to be honest and talk openly, then you can take the next step. I don’t know what that next step might be, but you have to talk to her first!
Good luck,
Laurie
Comment by AussieExpat on 30 August 2009:
Hi Laurie,
This is an interesting forum you have. I have also read many of your readers’ posts. Some of them I do not agree with in their approach, but most of them genuine and worth listening to.
I have just come out of a very toxic relationship. In the beginning, I wanted out as I knew there were few healthy signs to a meaningful relationship. It was complicated – there were 3 kids (2 of them twins), a separation, a foreign country, much confusion, possessive traits and interference. Yet on three levels, we seemed to connect – physically, mentally, emotionally.
At the start, despite circumstances, everything two people could want in a healthy relationship seemed to be there. Or, just about!
Regardless of what transpires, it is always two people that at some point or other are equally responsible for what happens. Priorities need to be in place at the very beginning. And if these wain, then as adults, decisions and choices – no matter how hard they are – must be made.
It took me months to get out of this relationship. We both knew there was no future, whilst things remained complicated with the separation. Both people need – including myself – needed to sort issues out their issues before becoming fully committed with others.
My strongest advice to your readers though is this. Anger, over-analysing and not knowing how to be compassionate, objective and honest, will wear you down, lead to hurtful events or actions, and cause bitterness.
If you need to move on, my best advice is to choose your friends wisely and listen to the advice of those you respect. They may come from different walks of life, but you respect them for their qualities of who they are.
And what they see, even if they are not experiencing what it is you are personally going through, may actually be that you are not doing okay, and you really do need to get out, no matter how great the relationship may seem to be!
If you are feeling depressed, because what has taken place has happened over time and completely worn you dry, well, you still need to think positive. Do things one step at a time, first. Then count the number of things that you have positive going for you. Repeat this once or twice a week. I can assure you, after 2-4 weeks, you are already moving forward and able to map progress in your self and own empowerment.
The most important relationship though, is that with your self, first and foremost. You have to be committed to getting this right. If you need help, seek it – but not a band aid, quick fix solution.
Moving forward, for your readers, should be a sign that you cherish your self-esteem, respect and dignity, and that you are determined to come out on top.
Get out of a difficult relationship, or a great relationship, with this in tact over the long-term, and you have a lot you can be grateful for. This includes the one’s you’ve loved and learned to let go.
Now, I know and believe all I am saying. But does it make me feel any better? Hell, no! Not right now, any way. But time will take it’s course. The world is too big a place to be centred on one person making a dramatic impact on your life, not to want to live and enjoy the rest of it.
So, all this is not easy. But it is all well worth it!
Apologies in advance – I could not find an email addie, so am posting this instead.
Do keep me posted with more of your material and advice on this topic.
Regards,
AussieExpat
(Hong Kong)
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 31 August 2009:
Thanks for your tips, AussieExpat! I’m glad you posted here.
I’m glad you shared your insights — and I especially love the part about “the world is too big a place to be centred on one person making a dramatic impact on your life.” Indeed, after we break up with someone, we often think that’s the only person for us — nobody else can make us happy or understand us. Or will want to be with us! But those are NOT true, and people surviving breakups really need to remember that.
I look forward to seeing more of you here on Quips & Tips!
Laurie
Comment by Peggy on 6 September 2009:
Laurie – I am relieved to find your articles. Can you point me to any thing else I can read to somehow cope with and get over the inexplicable loss of a very close and intimate friendship when there was no clue in any way that anything was wrong. Asking for clarification and trying to increase communication has only resulted in more hurt. It is confounded by the fact that there is a professional connection which is likely to have to continue for quite some time. Thank you in advance for any comments you might have.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 7 September 2009:
Hi Peggy,
Welcome to Quips & Tips; I’m sorry it’s a sad event that brought you here, but am glad you found me!
I’ve experienced the same explicable loss of a friendship, and so wrote an article called Overcoming the Unexpected Breakup of a Relationship on See Jane Soar. Just click on the article title (it’s blue, but you can barely see it), and it should take you right there.
After doing a brief Google search on the end of friendships and maintaining professional ties, I didn’t find much. Maybe that’s another article I should write!
I suggest you remain polite and friendly. I wouldn’t bring up the friendship when you’re interacting professionally with her, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong that you asked why the friendship ended! Since she can’t or won’t tell you, you might just need to let it go. It sounds a little odd — very confusing. I imagine you feel helpless, confused, and frustrated.
I also suggest you remain open to the idea that there are things going on that you have no idea about. Think outside the box: she could be terminally ill, she could be jealous of you, there could be professional reasons she’s cutting ties, or her husband or family could resent your friendship. We could go on ad nauseam about all the possible reasons — but it won’t get you anywhere! The bottom line is that it might help you to remain open to the idea that ANYTHING is possible…..her leaving the friendship doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong with you, or that you did something wrong.
Lastly, I’d like to pull a Dr Laura and ask you to revisit your statement that you had no clue that anything was wrong. Usually, there are some red flags — not always, but usually. Sometimes people are great pretenders and won’t admit to anything being wrong, and then they just snap and call the whole thing off. This could be her, or you may be unwilling to accept the warning signs. I don’t know — I’m just giving you something to chew on!
I hope this has helped a little, and welcome your thoughts and questions on this or any other topic.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Robert on 13 September 2009:
Hi Laurie,
How do you forget a bad girlfriend? not a day goes by that I don’t think of her..i keep myself occupied with things to do but still she gets in my head. help in making her go away from my mind, please. been a few months now that we’re done.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 September 2009:
Hi Robert,
I’m sorry to hear that it didn’t work out with your girlfriend — even bad relationships are difficult to survive!
Surviving a breakup takes time, and it’s choice you have to make every day. Before you know it, you won’t have to choose to survive anymore; you’ll find you’ve just stopped thinking about her. Trust me, it WILL happen…it just takes time. Soon, you’ll be so grateful that she’s out of your life.
Have you read my article “How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice”, here on Quips & Tips for Achieving Your Goals? If not, I suggest you read it — it might help. Plus, a reader just made a comment on that article a few minutes ago about surviving codependent relationships — right now, it’s the last comment on “How to Let Go of Someone You Love”, and it was by Robin. September 14.
Here’s the live link to the article:
How to Let Go of Someone You Love – Relationship Advice
I hope that article helps — it’s all about letting go and moving on with life. And, you’ll see you’re not alone; that is my most popular article on this website!
Read it, and let me know if anything in there might help. Also…remember that the most important tip for surviving a breakup is TIME. Time often heals wounds we never thought we’d recover from.
Warm regards,
Laurie
Comment by Peggy on 17 September 2009:
Laurie – Your answer did help. I think I have not wanted to realize there could be professional jealousy. There have been little things said here and there. I have just learned about a new word: “frenemy” and I think sadly that I am experiencing this dynamic. It is the hardest saddest thing I have been through in a long time. But your words helped me. I will read your other article as well. Thanks for being there.
Peggy.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 September 2009:
Thanks for your comment, Peggy — and for re-introducing me to the word “frenemy”! I’d heard it before, but totally forgot about it.
Hmmm…now there’s an article idea…how to cope with frenemies….
Comment by Cassandra on 26 September 2009:
I’ve known him for 6 years.All of high school and nearly 2 years of college.
He was my first love and I guess I never really got a chance to let go.
He wasn’t a very good person to me. Cheating on me with everyone, including my friends, drug and alcohol dependence, and just the fact that he lies to me all too easily.
But in the last year he’s really turned a new leaf, at least it seems like it. I just can’t see a way to let go. I really just want to be happy with someone who can treat me like I deserve to be treated. But whenever I meet a really good guy it always goes into my mind how my old lover knows me so much better.
How can I even begin to let go? I know this relationship isn’t what I want my life to be. Everytime I want to leave, I just feel like I might’ve left my soulmate that I know so well.
I know we’re pretty codependent on one another I just don’t know how to change it.
Thanks,
Cassandra
Comment by Kyle on 8 October 2009:
i just broke up with a girl, who i found out was a nympho, and had seen her with someone else….i confronted her about it and went through the whole drama episode…she genuinely said sorry…the next day she comes up with an issue that I did something bad during our relationship, and now she’s angry at me….though, i have not done anything wrong, i feel that i have to get back at her with a vengeance…i still feel angry everyday…did she concoct this just to get rid of her guilt? this doesn’t make sense…what should i do…should i get back at her?
Comment by Zuri on 9 October 2009:
Hi, I broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago I have tried getting him back but he said he moved on. I want him back and want to work on our relationship. I took him for granted and now that he is gone I realive that. I love him but he wants to be friend what should I do?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 October 2009:
Hi Kyle,
I’m sorry you’re having so many problems with your girlfriend — it doesn’t sound like you need help surviving a breakup, it sounds like you need help forgiving her and moving on!
Getting back at her won’t help you build a healthy, happy love relationship. If you want to stay with her, you need to forgive her, accept her apology, and move on without being suspicious. If you can’t do that, then you might need to let her go. I don’t think you can do both: feel angry every day and get back at her, and build a happy relationship at the same time.
It sounds like you’re very confused about her actions and her intentions. I suggest telling her how much her actions hurt you, and how difficult it is for you to move on and forget about it. Talking about it with her might help you forgive her.
If you need help dealing with your anger and confusion, I suggest talking to a counselor or someone you trust. Figure out why it’s so difficult to forgive her, and what your best next steps are with her are (such as trying to forgive and forget, or breaking up for good).
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 9 October 2009:
Hi Zuri,
I suggest just being friends with him, and not pressuring him to get back together. He’s probably confused and hurt — you broke up with him 2 weeks ago, and now you want to get back together? That’s difficult for someone to deal with! He may be wondering if you’ll do it again, if he can trust you, and if he’ll get his heart broken again. That’s why he’s saying he’s moved on — he’s protecting himself.
Accept his offer of friendship. Spend time with him, and let the romantic chemistry you had before do its work. If you’re meant to be together again, it’ll happen naturally. He knows you want to get back together, so don’t pressure him or chase him.
Also, remember that we often want what we can’t have! Do you want to get back together with him because you genuinely love him, or because you don’t have him anymore? Just something to think about.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Kyle on 15 October 2009:
Well, the truth of the matter is, i can’t even talk to her…because she is part of the office staff, and talking to her may just blow everything into proportions. I did try to clarify things (after the getting hurt part of the story), but she ended up not talking to me. My friends say i shouldn’t have done anything because i looked like a defenseless schmuck. But I did it with all heart even if she had hurt me so bad. She falsely accused me of doing something bad within the office and it’s not even true. Heaven knows her whole department already knows about it, but it’s frustrating that it’s not true. Y’see, I fell in love, I got hurt, and now she thinks I’m such an a-hole, the story does not make sense. My friends say that she’s just trying to cover up her guilt. My friends say to let it go because it’s going to come around and back to her eventually. That’s why I still feel angry and want my revenge. My reputation is also on the line in the office.
Please help. Imagine being accused of something you didn’t do by somebody who hurt you just a few days back. It was very cunning of her to turn things around, but twisted, too. I don’t think i deserve it. I still feel angry, sad and lost at the same time…but I know I cannot have the relationship again because she is out there exploring other men, if you know what i mean…I am still hurting. Please help…
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 October 2009:
Hi Kyle,
Is it possible for you to get a different job? It sounds like there’s alot of complications with this woman in your office — especially now that your reputation is on the line at work! This isn’t just about surviving a breakup; it could affect your career.
One of my thoughts is to find a way to re-establish your reputation at work. But you’ve mentioned that your friends say to let it go, and since they have more details than I, I’m wondering if that isn’t a better route? I don’t know — and I can’t give advice like that. But, I do suggest you consider finding a different job.
Getting revenge will backfire. It won’t work in the long run, professionally or personally. Your friends are right about that.
But, setting the record straight so your career doesn’t suffer is something to consider.
And regarding her being with other men and your relationship being over with her: one of the best ways to survive a breakup is to avoid seeing the person. It’s difficult to heal and move on when you see each other every day. And since you aren’t bound together by children, you don’t necessarily need to see each other now that the relationship is over!
This, too, leads me to suggest finding a new job. I know that it may not be easy and there’s all sorts of complications I’m aware of, but living and working in the pain you’re in certainly isn’t easy either.
That’s all I have, my friend. I hope it helps, and I wish you all the best. Feel free to update me anytime…and don’t forget my first suggestion, about getting a counselor’s advice in person. That may help you more than you know.
Laurie
Comment by Kyle on 22 October 2009:
Thanks, Laurie.
Comment by Raven on 26 October 2009:
What is wrong with me? I was in a relationship with my ex for about 4 years. The last year was very hard on her and me. I feel guilty for not being able to be there for her 100% and truly let my love for her overcome things that bothered and concerned me. She has health problems, was unemployed for over 1.5 years, had problems finding a job in her field, difficult family health issues too and relationship issues with her mom/sibling. I didn’t have any of that in my life prior to her and it took over 9 months before she even had me visit her at her apartment (guess she was afraid of a new guy in her life). I felt guilty because I couldn’t see beyond the negative or be there for her with all her troubles. I know there were great times we shared together but I just feared the future with all the issues. Especially if we had kids and she continuing to have health issues.
Well we kept talking daily for a long time afterwards. I guess we didn’t want to let go and I was trying to still be there as her friend. We still had feeling for each other and it reared its head when we would just go out to hang out for dinner. It put us in an awkward situation when we talked about it but we didn’t really didn’t let it go on further than that but as you know it’s awkward the next morning.
I guess talking was not good because I hurt her when she found out I had moved on partially. I haven’t really had a girlfriend since her. But now I met somebody and do like her but I didn’t know how to let the other know or even stop talking to her. Guess I was so used to having an ear to listen to me and the fact she was somebody I did really care/love. Over the past months I have tried to ween myself from talking to her. I feel GUILTY for not being there for her now, she still has her issues and I guess feels that I am one of the few people (non-family or female) that truly knows her physical issues. It tears at me and at the same time I want to give and put my energies to the new woman in my life. I talked to my new girl once about my ex and she was hurt a little when I would bring her up on her struggles and me wanting to help.
It has been so long since we were a couple and I guess talking was the not good. Now I am just looking for advice. What is wrong with me? I want to be a nice guy and help all, that is how I was raised. BUT it hurts that I can’t go forward and give 100% to my new life. Why can’t I let go? I hate feeling guilty? I know I was not perfect and I know LOVE should be everything about a relationship but I just was not strong enough to overlook or not let the negativity get to me.
Comment by elizabeth ambrose on 28 October 2009:
this one helped me. thanks so much..
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 October 2009:
Hi Raven,
There’s nothing wrong with you, my friend. You’re a normal person who loved and lost. It’s HARD to survive a breakup, to let go of someone you love. And, it’s difficult to be a nice guy and feel like you’re turning your back on someone you once cared about.
My husband felt similarly about his ex-girlfriend, but he eventually had to let her go completely in order for us to build a strong marriage. It’s sad, and difficult, but it’s usually the best thing for new love relationships (unless you have kids together, in which you just learn to blend the past with the present).
Regarding your feelings of guilt: guilt is only appropriate when you’ve done something wrong. Did you do something wrong in your prior relationship? If so, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. But remember, breaking up with someone is not something to feel guilty about. Not doing your best in a relationship isn’t something to feel guilty about. Maybe you made mistakes, but you need to forgive yourself and move forward.
If you’re really struggling, I suggest seeing a counselor. An objective person can help you sort through your appropriate feelings of loss and sadness, and your possibly inappropriate feelings of guilt or responsibility.
My final thought is to learn how to let go of someone you love. Here’s a link to an article on letting go of someone you love — it’s one of my most popular articles on Quips and Tips, which shows how common and normal your feelings are!
How to Let Go of Someone You Love
I hope this helps a little, and invite you to update me anytime!
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Raven on 29 October 2009:
Thanks for the advice Laurie. My guilt is more of me failing to be there with all my heart and I don’t like to fail. I guess it really pains me because we kept in touch and now when I want to move on it complicates matters. I am trying not to talk to her as I used to and I know she likes to hear talk to me and likes that I listen to her concerns/worries. Having her in my life and my new girlfriend is NOT good since I just get reminded of the good times and bad times, and the failures of our relationship. I am trying to give 100% of a happy me to my new girlfriend. I know I have to let go and not talk to her anymore, for the sake of my new relationship (of which I am very happy about).
Once again thanks for the advice. It really helps to hear your thoughts.
Comment by jamie on 21 January 2010:
I am struggling so badly. I dated a wonderful – well in most ways – man since April. He spends his time with me – but cheats thru texting and email to other women. I have broken it off several times, but always ended up going back. We always broke up over his unwillingness to give up contact with former girlfriends. He thinks because he spends time with me – the other doesn’t matter. I know in my heart it does – but I love him with all my heart. I recently broke it off again, but am dying of a broken heart right now. Can patterns like his ever change? He says he loves me. My head and heart are in such conflict.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 22 January 2010:
Dear Jamie,
I’m so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. He’s wrong when he says that it doesn’t matter that he texts and emails other women…that IS a form of cheating, and it is harmful for your relationship.
Yes, I believe people and patterns can change…but only if they see the problem and if they want to change. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand how much his contact with other women hurts your relationship, then he won’t be motivated to change. And if he’s not motivated, then change is awfully difficult.
I think you know that you shouldn’t be with him, but you’re heartbroken that your relationship ended. You don’t want to be alone, he’s wonderful in so many ways, you love him, and maybe it’ll be a long time before you love like this again. I totally understand that…but I encourage you not to settle for second best. He’s not treating you with love and respect, and you deserve a man who does.
So, I encourage you to survive this break up by focusing on the type of relationship and man you want. Grieve this loss, and focus on the future. You WILL love and laugh again, and you will wonder why it took you so long to let go of a man who wouldn’t let go of his past girlfriends.
I hope you heal quickly — let me know how things are going in a few weeks!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by amanda on 12 February 2010:
My former partner and I broke up after he was out of town and got into an orgy with other people. He called me the next morning with such hurt and regret and was willing to do anything to work things out. We had been together over 4 years and had planned a future together. I told him I needed space and time apart and to myself. He had been seriously depressed in our relationship for sometime after remembering previous childhood sexual abuse during a counseling session. After our breakup I know that he was at the lowest point in his life, and I felt that getting back together would not be good for either of us.
It’s over 4 years later now, and by some circumstances we are in the same place again. We have both been away for 4 years.
Just being back in the same environment, seeing mutual friends, I think of him a lot. I’ve tried so hard to work on closure but I can’t seem to get it. I have forgiven him for what he did completely. And I feel a little guilt for abandoning him during this low point in his life, but because his actions hurt me I knew I needed to make my own space and be selfish for awhile.
I am in a long distance relationship now. It hasn’t been an easy one, but I have been able to imagine myself with this person as a future partner. It is further complicated by not being able to be in the same place as we are US-Canadian couple. I am not ready to give up on this new relationship as I think there is real potential there but my heart and mind are in such confusion. I want to see my former boyfriend to gain closure, but I also find myself daydreaming of being happy in a relationship with him again.
I never would have thought healing from this relationship would take just as long as the relationship itself?!!!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 14 February 2010:
Hi Amanda,
Surviving a breakup and healing from a relationship that was four years long can take a long time, especially if you were happy with your boyfriend. It sounds like you and he were very connected and had been through a lot together…which of course makes letting go and moving on much more difficult.
But, you can have fond memories and an attachment to someone who you just can’t be in a relationship with. You may even still love him a little…but that doesn’t mean you’re meant to be together, or that you’ll have a strong happy relationship.
I’m glad you’re in a new relationship, and encourage you to focus on building a healthy connection with him. You might also consider seeing a counselor for a session or two, to get specific ideas for getting closure on your old relationship. Sometimes we just need to talk our feelings through with someone who is objective and supportive.
I wish you all the best, and hope you find closure from your past relationship, and happiness in your new one!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by annie on 25 February 2010:
I had arelaionship for 2and a half years now.my boyfriend and me had many problems bt always sorted it out among ourselves until he went 2 pune 6 months back.after that he became a changed person givin me less or no time at all.he started ignorin my calls and get irritated whenever i asked him any questions.he kept sayin that it is necessary for our future but somehow i didnot believe him and realised that it is the end.today i m trying 2 get over him bt i cant.whatever i do i end up caling him at the end of the day and get insulted over and over again.i am suffering terribly.i cant sleep,nor do any work or talk normally to people.i tried hard 2 get back 2 normal life bt couldnt.please help me.
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 February 2010:
Dear Annie,
I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time surviving this breakup! That hardest part of when a relationship ends is often the first few weeks.
It sounds like your weak spot is calling him at the end of the day. It’s like the habit of mindless snacking — most people eat more food at the end of the day, when they’re tired and unable to make good decisions! That’s you: you’re tired, lonely, and maybe even stressed at the end of the day, so you call your ex-boyfriend.
I encourage you to do something different. Instead of calling him, make a pact with a friend that you’ll call her instead. Or, go to Pilates class, out for a walk, or for a bike ride. Instead of calling him, write in your journal or take a bubble bath. The idea is to distract yourself by doing something else — because you KNOW that calling him isn’t a good idea, and you KNOW you want to survive this breakup!
You need to tap into your strength, courage, and wisdom. It’s there inside of you…….but you need to help yourself by using it to get over this relationship.
Try that for 2 or 3 weeks — doing something you love to do instead of calling him — and let me know how it goes, okay?
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Dru on 1 March 2010:
I have been in a physical and emtional abusive relationship for off and on for five years. I feel I as much emtionally abusive at the end as he was. He put me in the hosptial twice during this time. He bruised my kidneys twice.
I cannot seem to leave this person. When I do get away and things start going well for me he shows up. I suddenly stop my progress and go back to him. Now he is trying to break away and I am chasing after him no matter how bad he treats me.
I feel like I am losing my mind. I can’t stop myself.