Hmmm…since his ex-wife is crazy, I have a crazy suggestion for dealing with her!

I think you should go for coffee with her. Get to know who she is as a woman — and even better, let her get to know who YOU are as a person. It’s incredibly easy to slag people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids like you. Of course she resents and dislikes you — you’re succeeding in areas she has failed).

Call her up, tell her you want the best for her kids, and ask if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them — she must have done something right if they still like and respect you even when she cuts you down!

Regarding your husband — I know what it feels like when your partner seems to have made a bad choice in wives in the past. But, you have to shake that resentment off, my friend. He was a different person when he first met and married her — and so was she. He made the best decision he could, and he thought he was doing the right thing. Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago….that’ll just ruin your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole may — and that includes his first marriage and ex-wife.

I hope you give my crazy suggestion a try, and let me know how it goes!

Blessings,
Laurie

Your husband might also benefit from taking an assertiveness class…because it doesn’t sound like he’s standing up to your ex-husband very well. It’s a hard situation for him to be in, for sure. He needs to learn how NOT to let people around him make him feel bad.

Why don’t you and your hubby take an assertiveness training course together? Learn how to deal with difficult people together — you might even find a course that specifically teaches how to deal with abusive people. Learning how to handle abuse is the second best way to deal with it (the best way is to avoid the situation!).

If there’s any way you can completely avoid your ex-husband, that’s probably the best solution. If you have to have contact with him because of your children, then I suggest asking your new husband to stay away when the old one is around.

Also, consider moving to a new city or town! Fresh starts are a great way to build a happy, healthy second marriage. I know this is difficult for many people for many reasons, but it’s something to consider.

Good luck with your new marriage! I’m very happy for you, that you found a wonderful new man.

Best wishes,
Laurie

I think the biggest thing about second marriages and integrating new partners with their stepchildren is TIME. It takes time to get to know one another, have experiences together, make memories, and bond. The more time they spend together, the more memories and experiences they’ll have…and the better their relationship will be (theoretically speaking! Unfortunately, we can’t force good relationships to happen).

Another thing to remember about second marriages and stepkids is that there will be ups and downs — and that’s normal. All relationships ebb and flow…sometimes everything is amazingly wonderful, and other times it’s just there. Or it’s painful. Disagreements, clashes, conflicts can all be healthy and good for stepparenting relationships!

And finally, Angela, — I think your fiance might just have to elbow his way into the family. If he’s shy, reserved, or introverted it might make his transition into the family a little longer and rougher. Nobody can expect the stepchildren to pave the way (although I bet there are some fabulous kids who do!). Your fiance really has to take the iniative to fit into his new family as a stepparent – perhaps by doing some of the things I suggested in the article.

Let me know how it’s going, and what you think of this! If you’d like, I can research this topic from the “how to make your kids welcome a new stepparent” angle. It may be more difficult to persuade your kids to welcome a new stepparent than to persuade your fiance to elbow his way in — but I’m happy to dig up some info, if you like!

All best,
Laurie