Successful Second Marriages – 10 Tips for Happier Remarriages
Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages — but they don’t all end unhappily! These tips for a happy remarriage will help you connect with your spouse and make your second marriage successful.
Before the tips, a quip:
“If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping.” ~ Mignon McLaughlin.
Remember: the reasons you wanted to be married may be the same reasons you think about leaving your spouse…because what first attracts us can later annoy the heck out of us! For more info on a successful second marriage, click Saving Your Second Marriage Before it Starts. And, read on for ten tips for a happy remarriage…
10 Tips for Successful Second Marriages
1. Settle your first marriage. In addition to thinking about the financial, social, and geographical considerations of your second marriage, make sure you’re emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and geographically ready to be in a new relationship. To make your remarriage happy, learn about avoiding rebound love.
2. Understand the mistakes in your prior marriage. Figure out your weaknesses and mistakes in your first marriage, and make sure you don’t repeat them in your second marriage. You’ll improve your chances of a successful second marriage if you know where you — and your new spouse – are coming from. This tip for a successful remarriage requires you to face your weakest self…but it’s worth it.
3. Get to know your new partner. Take this second marriage as an opportunity to really get to know your spouse on a deeper level. This means talking to your partner about difficult stuff even if you’re scared or embarrassed. If you want to make your second marriage last, you have to be honest.
4. Let yourself be known. Be vulnerable, open and honest about your fears and hopes; share yourself without fear of failure or getting hurt. Letting yourself be loved requires coming out from behind your walls. It can be especially difficult to be vulnerable after a painful divorce, but this tip for a successful second marriage works.
5. Go to premarital counseling. For a successful second marriage, seek objective counseling sessions to lay a strong foundation. The marriage counselor will help you discuss topics that are relevant to your divorce and remarriage. If step children are involved in your remarriage, ask your counselor for strategies on integrating smoothly (for help here, read Tips for Connecting With Step Children).
6. Engineer a fresh start for your remarriage. Build your second marriage in a new house or neighborhood; if you need to, move away from a small town or community. Don’t let the old ghosts of your divorce haunt your remarriage. Even if you’re comfortable living in the remnants of your first marriage, your partner might not be.
7. Develop new routines with your spouse. This isn’t just a tip for a successful second marriage, it’s a health tip, too! Developing new habits and traditions together will connect you and your new partner – and it’ll help your brain grow new cells and strengthen those rusty old neurons. Many marriage counselors advise setting new routines with new partners.
8. Be open to change. Divorce and remarriage works better if you’re flexible. Let go of your old routines. Be open to change and compromise, and making adjustments in your remarriage. Another tip for a successful second marriage: consider live or online marriage counseling to make sure you’re both ready for a second marriage.
9. Deal with money issues right away. Many remarriages are difficult because of child support payments, alimony, etc. If financial issues could stop you form achieving your relationship goals, get divorce advice. Ask a divorce mediator or a financial consultant to help settle you financial issues fairly — and read Tips for Talking About Money for Couples.
10. Leave the negativity behind. Focus on a successful remarriage without being dragged down by fears, failures, and thoughts of another divorce. Your second marriage is more likely to be successful if you focus on the positive aspects of your partner and life together. Learn about the secrets of happy, healthy marriages together.
Do you have any thoughts or questions on successful second marriages? I welcome your comments below!
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Comment by angela on 16 June 2009:
My fiance feels like an outsider in our family. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage. How can we make him feel included?
Comment by Laurie PK on 17 June 2009:
Angela, thanks for your question — it was such a good one, I turned my answer into a full article!
http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quipstipsachievinggoals/love-relationships/how-to-help-a-stepparent-feel-welcome-in-your-family/
I think the biggest thing about second marriages and integrating new partners with their stepchildren is TIME. It takes time to get to know one another, have experiences together, make memories, and bond. The more time they spend together, the more memories and experiences they’ll have…and the better their relationship will be (theoretically speaking! Unfortunately, we can’t force good relationships to happen).
Another thing to remember about second marriages and stepkids is that there will be ups and downs — and that’s normal. All relationships ebb and flow…sometimes everything is amazingly wonderful, and other times it’s just there. Or it’s painful. Disagreements, clashes, conflicts can all be healthy and good for stepparenting relationships!
And finally, Angela, — I think your fiance might just have to elbow his way into the family. If he’s shy, reserved, or introverted it might make his transition into the family a little longer and rougher. Nobody can expect the stepchildren to pave the way (although I bet there are some fabulous kids who do!). Your fiance really has to take the iniative to fit into his new family as a stepparent – perhaps by doing some of the things I suggested in the article.
Let me know how it’s going, and what you think of this! If you’d like, I can research this topic from the “how to make your kids welcome a new stepparent” angle. It may be more difficult to persuade your kids to welcome a new stepparent than to persuade your fiance to elbow his way in — but I’m happy to dig up some info, if you like!
All best,
Laurie
Comment by REB. ACE on 17 August 2009:
I was in a abusive marriage of 20 years and divorced for 3 and now remarried to a wonderful man. My X says and does things to make my husband feel bad . what is the best way to handle the problem
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 18 August 2009:
Limit the amount of time your ex-husband spends with your new husband! To make your second marriage successful, you need to keep them apart as much as possible. It’s not fair — and it’s not healthy — to expose your new husband to your old abusive one.
Your husband might also benefit from taking an assertiveness class…because it doesn’t sound like he’s standing up to your ex-husband very well. It’s a hard situation for him to be in, for sure. He needs to learn how NOT to let people around him make him feel bad.
Why don’t you and your hubby take an assertiveness training course together? Learn how to deal with difficult people together — you might even find a course that specifically teaches how to deal with abusive people. Learning how to handle abuse is the second best way to deal with it (the best way is to avoid the situation!).
If there’s any way you can completely avoid your ex-husband, that’s probably the best solution. If you have to have contact with him because of your children, then I suggest asking your new husband to stay away when the old one is around.
Also, consider moving to a new city or town! Fresh starts are a great way to build a happy, healthy second marriage. I know this is difficult for many people for many reasons, but it’s something to consider.
Good luck with your new marriage! I’m very happy for you, that you found a wonderful new man.
Best wishes,
Laurie
Comment by Robin on 27 December 2009:
I just recently got remarried to a wonderful man, and by recently I mean 3 weeks ago. We have been together for a year and a half and I love him very much. My question is how to deal with his crazy ex wife? She is the most unbelievable person I’ve ever known. She constantly tries to ruin our relationship. They have 4 children together and she tells them horrible things about me and him even though they seem to really like me and don’t let it affect them. I just can’t seem to quit letting this woman consume my life. She talks terrible about me and says untrue things about me all over town. I wish I just didn’t care but I am a very sensitive person and it is just wearing me down! My biggest problem is I find myself being resentful towards him because he was ever with this woman and had kids with her!!! I need some advice on how to deal with his past because it is destroying us! I truly believe that she is our only problem. Any advice?
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 December 2009:
Hi Robin,
Hmmm…since his ex-wife is crazy, I have a crazy suggestion for dealing with her!
I think you should go for coffee with her. Get to know who she is as a woman — and even better, let her get to know who YOU are as a person. It’s incredibly easy to slag people we don’t know, people we’re perhaps jealous of (after all, you’re married to her ex-husband and her kids like you. Of course she resents and dislikes you — you’re succeeding in areas she has failed).
Call her up, tell her you want the best for her kids, and ask if she can make time to meet you for an hour or so. Tell her you love her kids and want to learn more about them. Compliment her on how she’s raising them — she must have done something right if they still like and respect you even when she cuts you down!
Regarding your husband — I know what it feels like when your partner seems to have made a bad choice in wives in the past. But, you have to shake that resentment off, my friend. He was a different person when he first met and married her — and so was she. He made the best decision he could, and he thought he was doing the right thing. Don’t make him pay now for a decision he made years ago….that’ll just ruin your marriage. Instead, accept him for who he is as a whole may — and that includes his first marriage and ex-wife.
I hope you give my crazy suggestion a try, and let me know how it goes!
Blessings,
Laurie