Splitting Up and Moving on After a Relationship Breakup
Moving on after splitting up with someone you love is especially difficult when you don’t have relationship closure. Here are six ways to move on after a breakup, with a special emphasis on not being ready to let go of someone you love.
“Sometimes the partner ending the relationship doesn’t quite know themselves why they are ending it – it’s more of a feeling or intuitive urge,” says transformational coach Gini Grey. “Because I work from an energetic and spiritual perspective with clients, I’ve seen relationships end that made no sense to the client I was working with.”
Below, Grey describes how to let go of someone you love when you don’t have relationship closure from a spiritual/intuitive perspective. And, I added tips from a practical, psychological viewpoint. For more info on letting go of someone you love, click on the book Ex-Free: 9 Keys To Freedom After Heartbreak.
6 Ways to Move On After Splitting Up, Breaking Up, and Heartbreak
Take a meditative stance. Grey explains that when people who don’t understand why their partners left turn inward and look at it from a more energetic/spiritual/intuitive place, they begin to see the ‘why’s. “They may not even be able to explain it intellectually but they get it on a deeper level and find peace as a result,” she says. Grey suggests taking time in a meditative state and looking at the relationship as though it is outside of yourself.
Notice what messages come when you ask these questions:
- Why were we together? (purpose of relationship – to grow, learn, love, heal a pattern etc.)
- Why has the relationship ended? (look from both perspectives as sometimes a partner leaves because the other has outgrown them spiritually)
- What is the benefit of us splitting up? (there is usually a benefit to anything ending, even though it feels painful going through the grieving at first)
- What is my next best step? (you might get an image of something, a sensation or just a knowing what to do next)
“The important thing is to stay out of the intellect trying to analyze things as that only blocks the higher truth,” says Grey. “Looking at it from a centered, grounded place can be very illuminating.” For more help from her, read 5 Tips for Taming Your Inner Critic.
Shift your focus from loss to new beginnings. This is difficult to do when you’re trying to let go of someone you love and you don’t have closure, but it’s very healthy! Instead of ruminating on your loss and the way things were, start planning your new life. What have you always wanted to do? What interests have you allowed to slide, that you can now focus on? Start thinking about your life goals – and remember that there is life after splitting up with your partner!
Substitute your time with your ex-partner with different activities. My husband and I make pizza together every Sunday evening. If, God forbid, anything happened to him, I’d be tempted to wallow in tears and self-pity on Sunday nights. Instead, I’d need to take my own breakup advice and do something different during that time: volunteer at a homeless shelter, get out of town, visit family or friends, or take horse riding lessons. Anything that shifts my attention from my loss to something more interesting.
Think about what went wrong in the relationship. After you’ve had a few months to heal and let go, try to figure out why your relationship ended (like Grey suggests above). Did you and your partner fight often, and what about? Did your partner frequently (or even occasionally) bring up issues that you didn’t want to talk about? What red flags were you ignoring? What needs weren’t being met?
Talk to an objective person about splitting up and moving on. You don’t necessarily need to talk to a counselor or therapist to let go of someone you love when you don’t have closure, but it can sure help. A counselor or objective third party can help you see things that aren’t obvious to you, or that you’re afraid or unwilling to see. If a counselor isn’t an option, consider talking to a pastor, spiritual mentor or leader, wise friend, trusted colleague, or a family member.
Remember that you can choose to be happier because of the relationship breakup. Letting go of someone you love is a choice. It’s a difficult one – I know how much it hurts – but it’s much healthier in the long run than holding on to the pain, confusion, hope for reconciliation, and frustration. You can choose to be a healthy, happy person who can put the past where it belongs: behind you. Learn from your loss, and allow it to make you a better person.
If you want to get back together with your ex, you might find The Magic of Making Up helpful.
And if you have any questions or comments on moving on after splitting up, please share below…
Comment by Gini Grey on 22 October 2009:
Hi Laurie – wonderful article and so nice to see my insights quoted here! I had to laugh when you mentioned your Sunday pizza nights with your hubby, as Fri night is our pizza night and we both look so forward to it.
I’d love to add two other things here to your tips:
1) When looking at what went wrong in the relationship, try shifting it from ‘wrong’ to something else like, ‘changed’. Relationships ending are not always because of a major problem, but are sometimes just two people growing in different directions and not connecting in the same way or wanting the same things anymore.
Another way to look at it is with law of attraction – like attracts like. If one partner shifts there energetic vibration to a new level but the other partner doesn’t, the two don’t resonate and if the gulph between them becomes large enough (and there’s nothing that can be done to bridge it without compromising one’s identity, life purpose or way of being)then it is best to part for the wellbeing of both partners.
2) Another thing that comes up for people sometimes when they leave a partner is guilt. They feel bad for not having a good reason to leave or they just feel bad for leaving as though they are abandoning the other. Something helpful to remember in this case is that if you are not happy and fulfilled in the relationship you are doing the other a favor by getting out of it and giving them a chance to mourn your loss and move on to a more suitable relationship or to explore themselves as an individual or heal relationship patterns etc.
Gini
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 October 2009:
That’s funny that you have pizza night too, Gini! Great appetites eat alike
Thanks for adding your insights into letting go of someone you love. It’s so important to get out of the “why did this happen to me, I’m so devastated” mindset, into the “this happened for a reason, and maybe it’s a good one — maybe my life will be better, happier, and healthier” way of thinking. And, learning about yourself and your partner — and your way of being in a relationship — is also important.
Comment by Jayce Glass on 27 October 2009:
I ran across your website googling “letting go of someone you love when you don’t have closure”. It’s been nearly 3 years and I have yet to accomplish it…and what’s worse, I just learned he got married and this will never happen!
I met my ex bf when I was 41 and he was 36…in the early weeks of our relationship, we both agreed to be honest with one another if either of us wanted out of the relationship. So just after 2 years when he blindsided me with “your just not the one”, I merely walked away with my closure. Although the words were hurtful, I appreciated his honesty. I admit it was a shocker, since nothing led up to it. We spent every day together and had so much in common. But the break-up was short-lived, we got back together after being apart 5 weeks. Within a year, he got down on one knee and said “you’re the one, will you spend the rest of your life with me”? We made so many beautiful memories together during those 5 years, rarely disagreeing. Friends envied our relationship filled with all the love, loyalty, trust, respect and affection you could ever need. Strangers would randomly tell us what a beautiful couple we were. So a month before the wedding, I was blindsided again, he needed a break from the relationship to figure it all out, so I moved out, vowing it’s over! His means of communication turned to text messaging, hoping I would forgive him someday to I deserve so much better than him. I was devastated to say the least! So while I’m in counseling trying to heal a broken heart, he moves a girl (15 years younger than him and opposite his type) into the home we we’re buying…through friends I learned they argued, fussed and fight making complete spectacles of themselves. I couldn’t understand why he opted out of sanity for insanity but either way, it didn’t last but a couple of months. As the calendar approached 1 year of our break-up, I finally contacted him and asked if we could meet up, so I could retain closure! He agreed to this, but instead of closure, I received mixed messages! He came to meet me with another couple (friends of ours) as if this were a double date…after a bit of the charade, I took him aside and said I was here for closure and not to get back together. He told me I was too prideful! I admit that’s a true statement, but this has nothing to do with closure. Obviously nothing was resolved in this get together and I left feeling more confused. I agreed to meet him a few more times after this but always felt like it was a date, we wound up talking about the memories we made. And that was really difficult because I was truly still in love with him and this made me uncomfortable. I decided to point blank ask him, “are you using this time to put us back together and avoid any closure between us”? He told me yes, but he didn’t want to get married! Hearing that devastated me all over again…I chose to cut off all communications with him, blocking his phone number and email. That was a year ago and the last words he told me. He just recently married and again hooking up with a girl 15 years younger and again not even close to his type. I’ve gone to counselors, talked to friends and family, but don’t want to continue dwelling on this. Without closure, I have completely shut down emotionally to receive or give any love. The ending of the relationship has left me bitter, so out of the norm of who I truly am. I have my own thoughts of middle age crazy but would really appreciate all intuitive thoughts to aid in me regaining myself again and closing that door!
Comment by Jibril G. on 27 October 2009:
Hi Jayce,
I’ve just read your post and it seems like you’ve been through a lot. I understand how you feel completely, I am not a counselor or anything but I have been through something similar and know what you are going through. I feel for you and if you need someone to talk to, I’ll be a good friend
… Here’s a little about me: My name is Jibril, I just turned 20 and got to this page by googling “introvert” which led me to an article written by Laurie. It was touching and I could relate to everything she wrote so I decided to read more of her articles and I’m thankful for her writing very much. Not long ago I was in a serious relationship that lasted almost 4 years. Yes it started when I was young but I’ve always been more mature and had strong feelings and emotions but I rarely expressed anything to anyone but “her”. The relationship ended on a horrible note at the worst moment possible. I went from happiest person alive to suicidal and hospitalized in a psychiatric home after a failed attempt. I’ve spent months thinking and analyzing why where how when. Being an introvert didn’t help me at all as I was spending every second thinking, months of living in my brain asking myself questions. I am much better today and completely over it and I can see things clearly. I feel like you have been through much more than me but just know you’re not the only one. There is happiness and love right around the corner, please smile and think positively I know it will get better for you. I am sure Laurie will be of great help. SMILE! 
Comment by Jayce Glass on 27 October 2009:
Jibril,
Thanks for sharing your story with me and offering your kind thoughts and friendship. I am saddened by your tragedy of love at such a young age but thrilled to hear you are a true survivor. Unanswered questions have left me unstable and introverted. So not my personality at all. I have always been outgoing, stable, and grounded, I just want to find that person again. Stay stong, you have so many more paths to discover, I know you will find love again!
Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 24 December 2009:
Jayce,
I wish I hadn’t missed your comment until now — somehow, your story and request for insight got by me!
And Jibril, thanks for sharing your story and helping Jayce…I’m so glad you were here.
I don’t know if you’ll see this, Jayce, but I wanted to encourage you to read Dr Wayne Dyer’s books. He discusses how to move on from the past, how to let go of people you’ve loved and lost, how to forgive people, how to release bitterness and regret. He’s an inspirational author and speaker, and I love reading his stuff! My husband and I are visiting family for the holidays, and we listened to Dr Wayne Dyer’s books on tape….and he can help you do anything from moving on after splitting up to pursuing your life goals and dreams.
Anyway, I apologize for missing your comment, and hope you’re doing better these days!
Blessings,
Laurie
Comment by Jayce Glass on 28 December 2009:
Laurie,
Thanks for your encouragement…I will definately be picking up a copy of Dr. Dyer’s book today. I will let you know my progress!
Jayce