I think you know the answer to at least one of the questions you asked! He can’t cut off contact with the mother of his daughter — there’s no way to do that without cutting off contact with his daughter, which would be terrible for her. So, you need to accept that he has to have contact with the woman he cheated on his wife with.

You could be with him at every visitation exchange, but how would you monitor their phone calls or email messages? And that’s what it would feel like — that you have to MONITOR their contact to make sure it’s all innocent and legitimate. This doesn’t make for a healthy, trusting relationship.

There is no way you can be sure he’ll be faithful. I don’t think any wife or girlfriend can EVER be 100% sure her husband won’t cheat! There are no guarantees in life or relationships, my friend, no matter how wonderful the people in the relationship are.

I don’t know how long you’ve been dating him, but I suggest you keep it at the dating level for at least one year. I understand that it’s intimate and exciting and passionate — but he’s made some bad choices in his past marriage, and he chose an unstable woman to cheat with.

Yes, I think counseling is a great idea. It’s a positive sign that he’s willing to go to counseling with you — and I encourage you to take him up on it. My husband and I did premarital counseling, and it set a healthy, strong tone for our marriage (though we still have our sticky moments!).

I wish you all the best, and hope you come back to let me know how things are going.

Blessings,
Laurie

Thanks for your comment! I visited your blog, but couldn’t find your conclusion about why men cheat. Would you mind sharing it here?

Thanks,
Laurie

However, I have come to a different conclusion for the primary reason for why men cheat. To see if you agree or disagree, visit the Relationship Journal.com.

Thanks for sharing your experience — it’s so good to know that couples CAN survive infidelity, and even develop a stronger marriage because of it!

It almost sounds like getting cancer: you’d never ever wish for it, but sometimes it makes your life better and more meaningful.

My friend’s husband cheated on her six years ago, and their marriage has never been better. It was a long process of healing and rebuilding trust, but they’re TIGHT now.

Thanks again for sharing, and I wish you all the best in your marriage.

Laurie

We have been married almost nine years and have two wonderful boys. Our marriage, for the first five years was good, but the last four were very hard with his completing school, changing jobs ever six months (his choice), moving and then finally forcing his new religion on our family and trying to change our lives. I reacted with resentment and anger. I was feeling completely alone in our marriage by then, but never once thought of finding comfort outside of our relationship. Although he accused me of cheating on him, he was the one having an affair.

The warning signs are so true!! Coming home later and later, being very critical of everything I did, and cell phone records that were astounding!!! I had the evidence right in front of me, but since he knew I never checked the cell phone records, he felt safe calling her hour after hour and texting over 800 text messages a month – just to her. He would even be on the phone with her, accept my call, then go right back to talking with her. When they weren’t on the phone, they were texting each other. I feel so stupid for not having seen this earlier. He would share important, emotionally charged information with her before he even thought of me. I was always last on the list to find anything out, if at all.

I think the one thing that hurts me most is that he was more involved with her, as I am struggling with health issues, and not only did I not have his support, but that on my birthday, while I was very ill, he sent her an email(from a secret account) telling her he was thinking about her constantly, and that he fell in love with her.

I have cried so many days and night since finding out. It’s been almost a month, but feels more like a year. There isn’t a day that goes by where paranoia doesn’t creep in or where I feel somewhat depressed, hurt, betrayed, angry or just tired. It’s getting better, and having my husband talk through my emotions with me has brought us closer as we solve the riddle of what brought us to this point.

He has admitted, after weeks, that he did have an affair, and has said all communication has been severed with her, and that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me and will be here for me no matter what and would marry me again in a heartbeat. I want more than anything to trust him at his word, but both his actions and words have been nothing but a lie for so long; I’m struggling. I’m paranoid for the most part and check cell records online all the time, but there is still the issue of his work phone and blackberry to which he could use to contact her.

When we discuss the issue, he says it really meant nothing to him and it was over – but her reply to his ending it was that it was her “Q to end her life”. Even if, as he says, he was never going to allow it to become physical and that it was definitely over for him, I don’t think it was that easy for her; but I don’t feel sorry for either one of them, as she was well aware he was married and had children and both of them should have never crossed that line. As hard as it is, I just have to believe that she is indeed out of our lives.

We are seeing a marriage counselor and we are both very committed to saving out marriage. I just want to wake up one day and feel special again, and know that I can breathe without running to check his cell phone or the summary; that I can look at the man I married and know he is with me physically and emotionally.

Fortunately, there is a silver lining, even in such a negative situation. We have grown closer, talk about a wide range of issues and topics that we would just fight over before, go on vacations with nary even a thought of a squabble, work through issues with respect and share intimacy in our communication once again. I always like to take something positive from something negative and I guess it took my husband, who is my heart and my center, to completely break our relationship and foundation down to nothing, so we could build back the beauty of trust, love, communication, loyalty and genuine affection for each other as well as ourselves and have a much stronger and wonderful marriage in the end.

If you can survive the effects of infidelity, no matter what type, then there is really nothing out there which can tear you apart.

And, after 17 years together, and three kids! It’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you’re in counseling together.

One of my friends’ husbands cheated on her, and they’ve rebuilt their marriage into a stronger, happier relationhip. It took a couple years to really trust him again, and they do have “systems” in place (eg, he calls her regularly when he’s out of town on business).

Cheating tears at the fabric of marriage and changes how partners feel about each other — but it doesn’t have to rip relationships apart. Surviving an affair depends on so many things: the reasons for the betrayal, the personalities of the husband and wife, the married couple’s plan for the future, whether kids are involved.

Lisa, I think you should be honest with him — get it out in the open. I don’t think you should keep checking up on him, because it’s killing your spirit and deadening your soul! Why should you have to monitor his behavior? You have your life and kids to take care of.

Your husband needs to decide if he’s in or out of your marriage.

I’d haul him into the counselor’s office and confront him there about what you’ve found. I’d ask for the counselor’s advice on the next step: does he move out until he decides if he’s committed to you or wants to explore another life? When he’s fully, 100% ready to rebuild your marriage, then you can work together. Until then, he’s just lying to you.

To be fair, losing a job is a terrible experience for many men – it can wreak havoc on their self-confidence and self-image. It’s a difficult situation — but he needs to deal with his life in ways that don’t tear apart his family. He should not be playing around with dating websites and sending pictures to women.

What’s your next step? And again, my heart goes out to you.

All best,
Laurie

First, I think you need to stop seeing the other woman. Both you and she need to focus on the marriages you’re in. You chose to marry your partners, and you owe it to them (and yourselves) to focus on rebuilding your marriage.

Second, I suggest you talk to someone in person regarding how to rebuild your marriage. Should you tell your wife that you cheated? I don’t know. It depends on your specific circumstances. Some counselors recommend talking about infidelity, while others don’t see the point.

If my husband cheated, I’d want to know! But, you need to decide one way or another….and put your marriage first.

If you’re planning to stay married, but still be obsessed about the other woman, then you might as well leave your wife. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not right.

Finally, remember that there’s a bit of a “ho hum” routine to being married — and a misplaced spark of excitement to be with someone new. Your other woman may not be the only who’s really making you feel special….it may be the thrill of being with someone new. All relationships are exciting at first, and most settle down into a comfortable way of being together (couples can’t sustain the high for years!). So, even if you left your wife for the other woman, the thrill of that relationship may also subside.

The bottom line is that you need to decide who you’re committed to: your wife or the other woman. Then, you need to act in ways that show that committment. Otherwise, you’re leading a terrible double life.

What do you think of this? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

All best,
Laurie

Now, the trick is getting to that different place

You’re right: you can’t necessarily forget what he did, but you do have to let it go. It happened, he feels terrible, and he doesn’t want to be constantly reminded of how he betrayed you. Your situation seems like it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you keep distrusting him and believing that he will cheat, then he’s morely likely to go ahead and do it.

But, if you treat him like a loving, trusting, faithful husband, then he’s more likely to act that way.

I’m NOT saying you’re responsible for his behavior. It’s just that people usually live up (or down) to our expectations…and you don’t want to set your marriage up for failure.

I suggest you focus less on what he’s doing, and more on YOUR life. Build your own levels of self-confidence, independence, and happiness. Find your own source of peace and happiness, and work to nurture it. Become the woman you’ve always wanted to be – a woman you admire, respect, and like. Stop driving yourself crazy, and start being healthy! Being a healthy, strong, capable woman who is able to handle anything life brings will improve all your relationships — and keep you sane.

Read books like Gary Neuman’s, find a support group, talk to other wives whose husbands cheated, go back to school, get a new job — do whatever it takes to find yourself and make yourself whole.

What do you think? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

All best,
Laurie