There Are 41 Responses So Far. »

1. Comment by Michael Martin on 12 September 2008:

   You are correct. Lie Detector (polygraph) testing has been used for many years to determine whether a person has been involved in extramarital relationships, and it’s use continues to grow worldwide.

   Michael Martin
   Global Polygraph Network

2. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 12 September 2008:

   Why do women cheat on their husbands? Dr Neuman is gathering research on that now, and told Oprah he’ll be writing a book about why women cheat next.

   So, perhaps husbands will soon be asking their wives to take a lie detector test…I wonder if women are more likely to ‘fess up to marital affairs? According to Dr Neuman in The Truth About Cheating, men don’t usually spill the beans unless asked.

3. Comment by Rita Watson on 18 September 2008:

   Hello Laurie: You may want to take a peek at my “Love Lies and Brain Scans” which appeared in my regular column for the Providence Journal. For $10,000 some people are requesting the scans to determine fidelity and infidelity. But you will be amused by the common sense ending. Right now it is posted on September 9th at http://www.ritawatson.com. Later today I will have it added to the relationship columns. I did just notice a Pingback (however, it is an earlier version because the one up there includes your name. Happiness/ R

4. Comment by Dawn on 19 September 2008:

   You know what, how about if the husband is sexually addicted, there is no solution to that addiction. It is worse than cheating. He always find means and ways to have sex with different women by hook or by crook. Tell me what to do with this situation. Thanks much.

5. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 20 September 2008:

   No solution to sexual addiction? Some people (like Dr Laura Schlessinger) don’t even believe there’s such a thing as sexual addiction – they just think the person has no morals or values.

   About your question, Dawn: what if 12 different people tell you do to 12 different things with a guy who cheats on you? Then what do you do?

   I think you need to figure out what’s best for you, and get help, and then follow through with your decision (it’s usually easier when you have support). I think you should follow your gut. If he’s telling you there’s no solution, then you need to do some research on your own.

   If I were in your situation, I’d leave so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him. But everyone’s different – some people have reasons for staying in a relationship that baffle others.

   What do YOU think you should do?

6. Comment by Wendy on 22 September 2008:

   I totally believe that their is an emotional cheater,like it was said on the Today Show, you don’t have to have sex to cheat. Seeking that attention from another man/woman, flirting, texting, emails, phone calls. If you cannot have an emotional connection with your spouse you should not be married.

7. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 8 October 2008:

   The secret to staying faithful has been studied by researchers from UCLA and the online dating service eHarmony. It boils down to one thing: remembering the love you feel for your partner (or once felt!).

   Here’s a link to the article I wrote about this study: http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/how_to_stay_faithful_to_your_partner

8. Comment by Tata on 27 January 2009:

   Please provide me with your advice.
   I have been living with my husband 5 years and we are having a child.
   we have seperated for 6 months alreay and I discovered that he has been cheating.
   we are having still good relations with each other, but he keeps his relations with her cowerker still.
   Please helm me and advice me what can I do and how can I get back my ex, as I still love him too much.

   Thanks for your support.

   Tata

9. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 28 January 2009:

   Tata, I’m sorry that your husband cheated on you and that you have a child together.

   I wish I had a magic solution that will bring you two back together, but I don’t think it’s that easy. If he doesn’t want to be married, then I don’t know that there’s much you can do to get him back.

   The best route may be to be a good friend to him. You say you still have good relations — I’d suggest not pushing him to get back together, but encouraging him to have a good relationship with your child. Be a supportive person in his life, but don’t push him into a relationship he’s not ready to go back to.

   I also suggest moving on with your life. I know it’s painful, but having your own life and interests will not only make you feel better, it’ll make you more attractive to your ex (and other people!). Sometimes moving on is the best option — and I encourage you to build a happy, healthy life.

   Plus, if he cheated on you once, he may cheat on you again and again. Can you trust him? I don’t know — it’s just something to consider.

   Good luck, Tata……and be a strong, healthy woman!

   Laurie

10. Comment by Barb Ann on 10 February 2009:

    My husband has had several secret relationships with women from work over the years. He gets invested in their personal lives. One woman he met because they did sports activities together. He spent over 1200 minutes of phone calls talking to her in one month. He insists when they met he was always with a group. When I got the phone bill, they both denied knowing each other. He says he knows it was wrong and was sorry …for a while.

    Once he met a woman working in the US from Britain. Because of her marital problems my husband ended up holding her passport, green card and immigration papers. At first, he said he just talked to her at work. Then they had lunch with a group of people once or twice. He went on a sales call (in home sales) and got home at 11:30 PM

    There seems to be someone new now. She called his cell phone at 8:30 on a Sunday morning. She works at his office. When I asked him about it, he first said it was work related. He said it was a voice message from the previous afternoon. I saw both a morning and afternoon call on the list originally. After I mentioned it, the morning call was erased. He always answers his work calls with peoples names….Hi Kelly, Jeffrey, how’s it going……When this person calls, he says< ” Hiiiiii” and his voice deepens.

    Is there such a thing as a person who has many emotional affairs or is this just a series of full blown cheating?

11. Comment by Laurie PK on 10 February 2009:

    Your husband’s secret relationships with women aren’t so secret after all! I’m sorry, Barb Ann – it sounds like he has an unhealthy need to interact with other women.

    Whether it’s a bunch of emotional affairs or a series of full blown cheating matters less than YOUR response. What kind of a marriage is this for you, and what kind of a marriage do you want for yourself? If he’s not willing to work on your relationship with you, then I suggest you get individual counseling or go to workshops or do something that helps you grow into a strong healthy independent woman.

    I think your husband has broken the vows of your marriage — but it’s up to you to respond to his actions. I don’t know if he’s willing to rethink the way he’s been treating you — but I encourage you to rethink the way you’re allowing yourself to be treated.

    Thanks for sharing, Barb Ann, and I wish you all the best. If have further thoughts or comments, I’m right here!

    Laurie

12. Comment by Lynne on 16 February 2009:

    In response to the book “Learning Why Men Cheat”. This is really more of the same just targeted at a new generation and millions of these books that state the obvious will likely be sold, not to mention the attention it will get from outraged women, which is the intent, so congratulations. Whatever happened to common respect? Marriage counselor Neuman says men cheat because of: Loneliness in their relationship or marriage. Affirmation from “the other women.” And not enough attention at home. He left out that they also cheat to fit in with other guys they’re friends with and work with because it is more and more socially acceptable for married men to cheat and they like it that way and want it to be even more acceptable. Books like this make it okay because it puts the blame on wives, soon there will be a book putting the blame on their children. There are also men who will drive this into the ground, with exhausted worn out wife at home, “she couldn’t give me the attention I needed”.

    This might come as a shock but there are many married women over the years who have been lonely, get flirted with by men regularly, and who do not get enough attention at home and who, yes cheat because of that, many emotionally cheat with another man and it is not a new phenominon. If you factor in fear of physical abuse from husbands and social stigma towards women who cheat, there are probably more wives who cheat than husbands, you just don’t know about it. Women are emotional, which everyone is aware of, much more than men, and because of their emotional needs that many men joke about and ignore, and pressure put on women to be caregivers (which books like this pile it on even thicker), leaves little if any energy or time for women, for themselves on a day to day basis and it eats away at ones self esteem. Women then rely on a husband to fill that void and help. Often husbands don’t because they are too focused on themselves which is the basis of Neumans book, men basically lack mature responsibility and are self centered. This leads many women to get the attention they need from someone else if not sooner, then later. The so called higher number of wives cheating in recent years, really isn’t a new thing, it’s just not as easy for women to hide as it used to be. I cannot count how many women I’ve known who have dealt with this immature self centered attitude from men, and who have simply given up on them. Eventually wives figure out if they didn’t already know going in to marriage, that for many women it is not an equal playing field and marriage usually isn’t a partnership. After all, it isn’t exactly condusive to ones self esteem when your husband is constantly flirting or pursuing other women. Or after a 12 hour work day in an office, you go by the daycare pick up the kids, go home, fix dinner, do a load of laundry and help with homework, while he sits in front of the tv, then has his nightly romp with you, and you still have time and energy to somehow follow him in the things he’s interested in which is usually a sport, and yet he still cheats. And then the wife says, what did I do wrong? So wives move on emotionally and just treat their daily routine like a job and are very discrete about their other activities, while men are not so discrete because it is more and more socially acceptable for them to cheat. Again, life goes on, more of the same old thing, where if men and women simply had respect for each other and treated each other with respect, it could make such a difference in marriage.

13. Comment by Allison on 17 February 2009:

    Lynn, hit the nail on the head in many ways – Dr Newman’s perspective is very limited – which he obviously knows – becuase he’s studying women now. However, the conclusion to his study is more simplistic than this subject really is.

    Lynn at least includes the warped cultural norms that are rampant today. There are many taboo subjects that are not addressed that need to be. I hope the women reading this blog – read Lynn’s comments several times so they don’t forget it’s not their fault as is the same cultural norm that has been fed for far too long.

    There are good men out there that would never think of cheating on their wive’s, they are selfless and not selfish and they value their wives and their partnership far to much to consider jepardizing the woman they are sharing their life with.

    My colleague and I are writting a book and conducting interviews know – we are unclear on a name as we are in the northeast and want to make sure we get a clear representation of our southern, and western sisters. We are thinking of calling it – Soul Sisters…or Sisters – we are seeing a lot of women that settled – and it took a long time for them to realize it – as they were trying to fix their husbands. This is just one small piece but many made up for what their husbands lacked and then there were a lot that settled even more as the years progressed and essentiall sold, gave up, gave in. The women that did not compromise the respect they deserved either had changed men or men that were beyond being crushed because they never thought they could lose the woman they loved. The old cliche’ you don’t know what you have till its gone.

    In response to sex addicts – no morals and values is very close as most seem to have been raised with none and experience a heavy level of abuse and sexual abuse is high on the ladder.

    This is a loaded subject – but the advent of the internet and onslaught of pornography that gets more and more hard core – it is no surprise that on the rise of child pornography and sex trafficing. According to a few clergy we have interviewed that have been counseling sex addicts and married men that are cheating – many with prostitutes. This is a societal existance that was considered the bottom of the barrel as they are the largest spreaders of STD’s and according to the clergy this type of woman “really messes a man up and confuses them” as the men are ashamed and embarrassed. Yet, instead of having to look in the dark alleys for these types of women – they are advertising in the local news paper, on craiglist and on singles sights for sex. It’s rampant. So, here we have the bottom of the barrel – calling themselves “escorts” as if this raises their class and we as a society are ignoring it and doing nothing to curb its prevelance.

14. Comment by Laurie PK on 18 February 2009:

    Thanks for your insights, Lynn & Allison!

    Allison, your book sounds fascinating — I love reading about how women settle in life, how they lose themselves in relationships, and how they sometimes sacrifice who they are to do what society or their families dictate.

    And sometimes we’re not even aware of what we’re doing – we’re conditioned not to make waves, not to disrupt the status quo.

    Anyway, I’m glad for your comments — please keep me posted on “Sisters”!

    It’ll be interesting to hear what Gary Neuman has to say about why women have affairs…

    Laurie

15. Comment by Tom on 19 February 2009:

    I disagree with Lynn and Allison. The author is trying to point out the underlying basis for affairs and not to assign blame.

    I get the feeling that Lynn and Allison are generally angry about many things in their lives and men are #1 on their list.

    There are many men who are caring, sensitive, and responsible and are still met with underappreciation at home. This is not an excuse for a guy to have an affair. If this was going on, I would recommend for the guy to talk to his wife about it and if it still doesn’t improve, I suggest he gets divorced before having an affair.

    However, the author is trying to point out that underappreciation whether real or not is a common feeling in men that cheat. If the goal is to prevent cheating, then maybe it may be wise to address the underappreciation problem. Maybe Allison and Lynn’s goals are not to prevent cheating. I get the sense that if their spouses cheated on them, they would be kicked out and these women can continue on with their angry lives. To continue to live with these losers is to live a self-defeated life. I can understand that but know that the author’s goal then is entirely different. He wants to preserve marriages – which is one of the most difficult things to do in counseling. And to do that – yes, he will point out things that women don’t like to hear because in so many ways, its always the guys fault so why should the women need to do ANYTHING about it.

    I say don’t do anything. You don’t have too. Let the guy cheat and then dump him. He’s no good anyways. But don’t jump on Mr. Neumann because his goal is to preserve the marriage – even after a traumatic thing such as an affair. And to do so, it take BOTH parties to compromise.

    So if saying a nice thing now and then to show appreciation is too hard for Lynn and Allison, then maybe marriage is not the thing for them.

    Tom

16. Comment by Laurie PK on 19 February 2009:

    Many women are offended and even enraged at Gary Neuman’s suggestions, because he seems to be putting the onus on wives. But, he says he’s empowering women, giving them tools to protect their marriages so men don’t cheat.

    It may not be a “cause and effect” thing. That is, Neuman may not be saying men cheat because women ignore them. Rather it may be more of a “correlation” thing: men are more likely to cheat if they have wives who aren’t appreciative, or physically and emotionally connected.

    Neuman isn’t just pulling this stuff out of his hat — he researched unfaithful married couples, and he’s just sharing what he’s learned. I’m pretty sure he’s not saying cheating is okay! He’s just explaining why he thinks men cheat.

    He also points out that some men cheat on their wives no matter what, and that this isn’t a reflection of the wives or their level of appreciation.

17. Comment by Allison on 1 March 2009:

    Tom, how interesting, but not surprising, you recieve my response as ‘angry.’ This is a text book response from individuals in our society that ‘tag’ labels/names when they are offended and defensive when the subject is close to home.

    My email was about respect and love in a relationship that stops ‘good men’ in their tracks in tempting situations; and not simplifying something so complex as ‘why men cheat;’ and I touched a little on the rampent cultural norms today that contribute and have many thorougly confused, feeling inadequate (on both sides) and they believe what they see and hear in the media.

    Lynn was quick to point out that many women take on too much responsibility in their relationships and blame themselves so that some women that might be reading this book and read her blog response don’t start coming up with another exuse for their husbands infidelity which is usually attached to emotional or mental abuse.

    Yes, women cheat too. But the subject was “why men cheat” and my collegue and I have been bombarded enough in the past year with women in our circle of friends, family and even those we barely know that are realing from the effects of their spouses infidelity…a good number of which were fed by the internet – which is apparently a good way to find ‘no strings attached sex’ whether you want to pay for it or not. Then there is the interesting but not so surprising addiction to porn on the internet by not just married men, but even clergy – as one we interviewed was counseling preists on their difficulty fighting their urge to watch porn on the internet.

    “Intimacy” is a subject that needs to be revisited on a core level as it is not addressed or harolded in our culture anymore. Casual sex is glorified on many levels which has confused our youth so much so that they have very little faith in love and marriage and commitment – as their are no boundaries, testiments, and goals showcased in our very loud media culture – which surprise, surprise – feeds into our homes.

    So, the question really is a moral one isn’t it Tom. Those with high moral standards, that are practicing good and listening to their conscience and remembering the person they fell in love with and why they committed to them and if they are really making an effort everyday to nuture that relationship which means drawing hard lines like telling your spouse you feel unappreciated. This of course gives your spouse a chance to reflect on their behavior and make choices on how to show their spouse they appreciate them. This of course is taking one small and simple example in the complex house of love.

    Try and stop the narrow and limited thinking that accompanyies laying name calling like ‘angry women.’ I’m not calling you any names but asking you to reflect on a position or conclusion on a subject that cannot be narrowed down to a or b – because it’s always a question of morals, value and virtue – choices. No defense should be given to those that make the wrong moral choices – What are we teaching our children? The gift of many excuses?
    What about teaching our childrent that when we make big mistakes – we admit to them and try to find what is broken in us that made us hurt the one we loved the most. Let’s actually bring into light something courage with honesty – this is always about facing our worst fears. That is courage – facing your fears, not feeding your passions. What a gift that would be for the youth in our country. And maybe as a society we should stop accepting what was never acceptable. Just becuase we are overwhelmed and the old saying ‘if you can’t beat em, join them’ has to be changed to “if you can’t beat them, stay fighting fair and for the good for ourselves and our children – because we all deserve better than this’ Get off the fence, make a choice and take a stand. Don’t accept what you know in your heart should never be acceptable and hope your children somehow are not effected. There is no way around it until you take a stand for what is right and stop making excuses for wrongs.

18. Comment by susan on 14 March 2009:

    Hi , i had a old friend whom i had a fling with in the past .Its been six year since ive seen him i made him lunch.A few times he told me he shouldnt come and see me he has a girlfriend.Then he turnns around and tells me there is something abot me that drives him nuts and how crazy it is.Three weeks of hangind out a bit , he got married in los vegas and didnt tell me.When he got home he send a e mail saing he counldnt wait to see me.He stasrted e mailing and calling more but staying away from my home.He has said and i have said we should talk but then he sends a e mail asking how i am .I tink about him all the time and he says he trys to forgt about me but cant.whats this all about??

19. Comment by Laurie PK on 15 March 2009:

    Are you serious? Yikes — I’d get as far away from him as I can. He’s one of those men that Gary Neuman mentioned: they cheat no matter how great their relationships are. They’re just jerks. I don’t know what this guy’s problem is – why he’s cheating on his girlfriend/wife, why he needs to lead you on – and it doesn’t even matter!

    At least this guy is honest with you about having a girlfriend and getting married! But unless you want to keep getting treated like garbage, I’d move on as fast as possible.

20. Comment by Joey on 16 March 2009:

    To all you women who beleive that ALL men cheat because they are more interested in the sex – I say: “BLEEP You!” I’ve lived with a wife who for the past 3 years of our marriage has done nothing but emotionally and verbally abuse me, emotionally abandon and neglect me, and constantly reject my attempts to build a stronger marriage. All teh while, refusing counseling and doing nothing to help out financially but place the burden of it all upon my shoulders.

    Of course I flirt with other women! It makes me feel good about myself. The wife NEVER compliments me and uses every opportunity to tear me down with the harshest of insults. I have been nothing but kind and sweet and genereous to her. ANd she still has nothign good to say abnout me. Ever.

    So yes I do flirt. It’s nice feeling like somebody likes me for me. It’s nice to not be ridiculed. I can’t leave the wife since I am wayyy too far in debt, and I have no one to turn to where I live.

    For all teh false accusations I’ve suffered, I am on the brink of WANTING to cheat! She hasn’t given up any sex in four months! No matter how many dishes I do, how much laundry I clean, or how many gifts I shower upon her. My efforts fail at every tun. I once was a hopeless romantic. Now, I just feel so broken and broken-hearted inside. She still hasn’t taken my last name, and after we wed, she decided she didn’t want children……. ripping my very heart out!

    So to all you wimmin who are so high and mighty – TAKE OWNERSHIP of YOUR part of how you make your men feel!

21. Comment by Laurie PK on 16 March 2009:

    Thanks for your perspective, Joey — it’s not often I hear men talk about how some women make them feel in relationships! It sounds like you’re exactly the kind of guy that Gary Neuman was talking about in his book “Why Men Cheat.”

    I’m sorry your marriage is so rough, and I hope you and your wife find a healthy way out of the way it is now.

    Laurie

22. Comment by Joey on 18 March 2009:

    I will probably be leaving her ASAP – I cannot handle the verbal abuse any longer. Her unwillingness to try to get a job is taking it’s toll on me…. my health is failing me, I have anxiety and panic attacks, and I’m constantly depressed. The stress has caused me a major 3+ year long battle with eczema. I’m embarrassed to even shake hands with people…..

23. Comment by Tarina on 19 March 2009:

    Joey

    Thank you for sharing your story! I think I am similar as your partner ( ashamed to admit it) I only see that as I read your entry! I do work full-time, we do have kids, we do have sex, BUT I am living in turmoil… I have tried and tried to make things work … I’ve been married for 13 years and with him for 20 all together… I was only 17 when we committed to each other. I know nothing else in life about love, partnership and relationships other than what I have and had over the years. My honey has done many shameful things, dishonesty, emotional infidelity, addictions, lack of support, mental abuse and neglect … he works 24-7, seems to be disconnected and makes choices I disagree with. I have heard similar comments from my man as you wrote earlier this week. WOW, I have insulted his intelligence, I have ridiculed him for choices and interests I disagree with, I have rejected his attempts that I felt were too little too late, I find his faults before his strengths as a person. He is was / and will cheat on me Im sure!!! I have some black and white proof… He down plays the evidence (printed off emails from 2 other women) he minimizes the language used ” sexy-babe, I miss you too, wow you look amazing, I would love to text, talk and see you! and his cell phone # attached!!!!! Still today he states its “NOTHING” BUT it is something to me!!! I need trust… SO this is where your entry has enlightened me. Although he has done damaging things in the relationship, I too am hindering the growth by “being emotionally disconnected, insulting him, disregarding him, ignoring him, making excuses for him … I have been wounded, my heart is bleeding out, I’m losing the essence / vitality of oxygen to live on with this routine, this insane lifestyle we have carved out for ourselves. I thank you for your words, your strength to open up and share your “side of things” I think you have told me what my husband could not! I have heard similar comments between breaths while arguing, but I never “HEARD” what he was saying I just judged it … I can justify every inappropriate comment and action I’ve taken against him … as there is a past and history he built in the early years of our relationship. I never let go of what happened, or dealt with the pain I endured … things would get swept under the carpet and the clock kept ticking I’m 37 now with 3 kids, 17, 15, 11. I am ready to roll up my sleeves and get messy! I wrote down your key points ” emotional abandonment, rejection, lack of compliments, lack of sex, harsh insults” I see I do these things as I want him to hurt!!!! Seeing we females handle emotions differently from men, I wanted to “stick it too him” at times and see his pain … What kind of person am I that I take a sick and twisted pleasure in hurting him BACK!!!! I am ready to work it out. Acknowledging my wrong doing and seeing my role helps me “fix” what I never realized was broken … I was breaking things apart as well as he was. I only saw what he was doing as the problem and not owning what I was doing wrong. I shake my head and think how could I not see what I have been involved with??? … All I need now is trust, commitment and a re-connection with him to prove it is worth while. I can script the “Fairy Tale” I’ve always dreamed about since I was about 10 years old… finding my prince, and living happily ever after….

    This has been more than helpful too me! I needed someone to show me that I am not as innocent in all this as I once believed I was. I don’t take all the blame, I am not attacking myself, but rather opening my eyes to WHO,and WHAT, I have been and brought to this disarray! I was looking for the “Cause and effect” The Action and the reaction the rhyme and reason behind the pain! Which I think I found .. in your posting!

    I wish the best for all parties involved, men-women and children who are suffering with relationship distress and disfunction …. Step back and see what I saw ” what am I doing? what has been my role?”

    Cheers,
    Peace to us all

24. Comment by Diane Sayers on 9 April 2009:

    My husband is addicted to porn sites. I feel it is also a way of cheating on me. He tries to hide it. He does it when i am work.
    He also has been on match sites. Maybe he is trying to hook up with someone. When i ask him he blows up at me and he was ready to throw a lamp at me last nite.
    I hate that he goes on these sites.
    what can I do to make him stop.
    It’s not that he doesn’t get love making at home. It’s aleast 2-3 times a week.
    I don’t understand. and i hate it.
    thanks

25. Comment by LauriePK on 10 April 2009:

    There’s nothing you can do to make him stop — you can’t make any adult do anything! I’m sorry to say, you don’t have the power to make him stop visiting those sites…that’s something he has to do. He has to choose you and his marriage over his own desires.

    Diane, you need to decide if your marriage is working for you (to borrow a phrase from Dr Phil!). Is it making you happy, fulfilling you as a woman, helping you achieve your goals? If you’re not getting what you need from your husband — and if he keeps cheating and blows up at you — then you have to re-evaluate not just your marriage, but your life.

    If he’s unwilling to change or work on your marriage, then it’s up to you to decide if you want to accept your marriage as it is and your husband as he is, or if you want to move on without him.

    Have you talked to him about why he’s cheating this way?

26. Comment by LauriePK on 10 April 2009:

    And by the way — YES, Diane! Your husband is cheating on you by surfing those sites. Looking at other women is marital infidelity…and hanging around on match sites is a red flag that doesn’t bode well for the future.

    I’m sorry — this probably isn’t lifting your spirits, but…it’s reality.

27. Comment by Diane Sayers on 11 April 2009:

    Yes, I have talked to him the other nite about it, and he said that he is going to continue going on these sites, because it’s the only way to relieve himself if we haven’t made love in a few days or a week. He said I left him no choice because he has bought Playboy magazines, or bought porn cd’s and I would find them and I would throw them out, so now if he wants to relieve himself and I am not here to help him with that, then the computer porn sites are his other alternative. He said, that he not looking to meet up with anyone, that those sites pop up.
    So, I guess your right, I have to decide if I want to live with it or not.
    It’s hard decision because I do love him, and he a really good guy, other than he can be a hot head sometimes, if provoked.
    I really hate that he visits these sites. I can’t help thinking and feeling that he is not be faithful to our marriage by doing this.
    But he makes it sound like it’s no big deal, and it’s not like that.
    He said alot of fellow workers from his job do the same thing.
    Because I had asked him, to ask other spouses. But I meant their wifes. I am sure they don;t agree with it either, or they don;t know their husbands are looking at these site. I think they should be banned. It is aweful.
    So, I don;t know what to do.
    I just can’t help feeling like i can’t fully trust him because of this.

    Thanks for your help.

28. Comment by LauriePK on 12 April 2009:

    Watching other women and visiting sites like that IS a big deal, and you’re right to be concerned about it! Of course he says it’s no big deal, everyone does it — that’s a common way to rationalize anything from cheating on your parter to gambling your salary away. That’s how we shrug off our addictions: we rationalize.

    Your gut is telling you it’s not right or healthy, and your gut is right!

    Unfortunately, you won’t be able to change his mind – unless he agrees to couples counseling or hears someone he respects say that it’s a type of cheating.

    Here’s a callout to women who have succeed in convincing their husbands to stop looking at those sites! If your husband was once addicted to looking at other women, please tell us how it worked out. Did you achieve your goal of creating a strong, healthy marriage?

    Diane, this might be a good way of figuring out what you should do: find women who were in similar circumstances, and learn from them.

    I’d say leave him, but I KNOW it’s much more complicated than that.

    Hopefully, someone will weigh in here…..and tell us what worked for her, in terms of her cheating husband!

29. Comment by Diane Sayers on 12 April 2009:

    Actually, we talked more, and said now that he knows how much this hurts me and affects me, that he has promised to stop going on these sites. It takes alot to get through to him. He says it’s always what I want, and that he always has to change for ME.
    And then he tries to turn everything around on me.
    He said, to ask you what about when we occaisonally go out for dinner and few drinks, and I end up socializing with people I see.
    He says that is a way of cheating, because I end up talking to guys and they only want one thing !!
    Which is not true, I try to get him involved in the conversation, but ends up walking away pissed off, so i have to end the conversation as well because i know he is pissed off.
    so anyways, we will see how he does.
    thanks

30. Comment by jill on 17 June 2009:

    I’ve caught my husband more than a few times and in a few different ways lying about internet porn. I told him it”s offensive to me and he said he lied because he was embarrassed about it (after 7 yrs of marriage at that time).

    Now, 9 yrs. later I still feel like he totally sneaks chats and peaks and I’ve driven myself CRAZY trying to find proof (even though I already had proof) but if I bring anything internet porn\chat/yahoo alias id”s,etc,, up with him, he gets REALLY mad and tells me HE DOES NOT chat, blog, have any other email alias’ “THAT HE CAN REMEMBER, OR THAT HE IS AWARE OF” but I”m using an older alias of his right now thst somehow attached itself to my email address and he still says “I don”t remember” and tells me I need to trust him. I can”t just FORGET! I’m HUMAN!

    I don”t like this feeling of not being able to voice my opinions, hurts, fears on certain topics anymore. On the verge of some change I think. Anyone else at the REALLY FOR REAL almost fed up with the hamster wheel thinking yet, or even better, just got off the wheele and back on the main road of living out of love, instead of living out of fear?????

    Thanks in advance for ANY words of wisdom. I want to relate to this stuff from a different place!!!!!

31. Comment by med on 17 June 2009:

    Hi i am 27 years old and i have six years of marriage. My wife is a good looking and nice person, but I never feel love for her and I never thought that I”m goona cheat on her some day…But suddenly it happened.

    I know that I will sound like stupid loser and crazy, but it happened to me, which I never ever thought that it would or that love existed. I never was in love befoore, but with this girl I am in love. She is married too, she have almost same backgound as I have, her husban doesn’t make her happy and doesn’t appreciate what she have, she is very good looking and nice woman. She like every thing that I am and she really makes me feel who I really am. She loves me too, I am not a rich man but I have very good reputation around (untill now)…

    I really don’t ant to hurt my wife. If she finds out she will be very very hurt and I dont want that to happen, but I am I love with another woman…ohh God.

    I need someon’es opinion or suggestion. It will be helpful for me in these difficult days, months or years for me. Thanks.
    Sorry for my english.

32. Comment by Lisa on 17 June 2009:

    I think my husband is trying to cheat on me. He lost his job back in April and we have had some problems that we are currently receiving counseling on. Back in the beginning of June I found that he was going on a sex-dating website, recruiting women. He doesn’t know it, but I have access to both the sex site and his personal email. When I approached him about the website, he apologized and said he was sorry and that he was embarrassed. I told him I would not tolerate it. He cancelled the membership in front of my eyes and told me he wouldn’t do it again and that he knew it was wrong. I even brought it up at our counseling session and he reassured me and the counselor that he would not pursue. However, I went on the site on 6/11 and found that he did contact this girl after she had sent him a message. He did say that coming to the site was wrong and thanked her for showing some interest so that he doesn’t feel like such a loser. So I thought that was it. Then I discovered she sent him a message on his personal mail although I didn’t actually read it. I found out by being on the sex site. Now today I found that he sent his picture to someone that I know is this girl by her address. So now what? Do I keep checking up on him to see if he takes it any further or do I approach him and lose all chances of ever trusting him again. I think that if I let him know I saw the photo he’ll know I have acess to his account and I will lose any chance of gaining info. My husband is notorious for going to “the library” supposedly looking for a job. I am crushed. We have been married 17 years and we have three beautiful children….11 year old daughter and twin boy/girl 8 years old. I would have never thought my marriage would be like this. My marriage was always the most confident thing in my life. I am devestated and so heartbroken!

33. Comment by Laurie PK on 18 June 2009:

    Jill, your idea of relating to your husband and your own suspicions from a different place is a great idea!

    Now, the trick is getting to that different place

    You’re right: you can’t necessarily forget what he did, but you do have to let it go. It happened, he feels terrible, and he doesn’t want to be constantly reminded of how he betrayed you. Your situation seems like it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you keep distrusting him and believing that he will cheat, then he’s morely likely to go ahead and do it.

    But, if you treat him like a loving, trusting, faithful husband, then he’s more likely to act that way.

    I’m NOT saying you’re responsible for his behavior. It’s just that people usually live up (or down) to our expectations…and you don’t want to set your marriage up for failure.

    I suggest you focus less on what he’s doing, and more on YOUR life. Build your own levels of self-confidence, independence, and happiness. Find your own source of peace and happiness, and work to nurture it. Become the woman you’ve always wanted to be – a woman you admire, respect, and like. Stop driving yourself crazy, and start being healthy! Being a healthy, strong, capable woman who is able to handle anything life brings will improve all your relationships — and keep you sane.

    Read books like Gary Neuman’s, find a support group, talk to other wives whose husbands cheated, go back to school, get a new job — do whatever it takes to find yourself and make yourself whole.

    What do you think? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

    All best,
    Laurie

34. Comment by Laurie PK on 18 June 2009:

    Med, thanks for sharing your life here — it takes alot of guts to talk about why you cheated, and how much pain it causes! I value your input.

    First, I think you need to stop seeing the other woman. Both you and she need to focus on the marriages you’re in. You chose to marry your partners, and you owe it to them (and yourselves) to focus on rebuilding your marriage.

    Second, I suggest you talk to someone in person regarding how to rebuild your marriage. Should you tell your wife that you cheated? I don’t know. It depends on your specific circumstances. Some counselors recommend talking about infidelity, while others don’t see the point.

    If my husband cheated, I’d want to know! But, you need to decide one way or another….and put your marriage first.

    If you’re planning to stay married, but still be obsessed about the other woman, then you might as well leave your wife. It’s not fair to her, and it’s not right.

    Finally, remember that there’s a bit of a “ho hum” routine to being married — and a misplaced spark of excitement to be with someone new. Your other woman may not be the only who’s really making you feel special….it may be the thrill of being with someone new. All relationships are exciting at first, and most settle down into a comfortable way of being together (couples can’t sustain the high for years!). So, even if you left your wife for the other woman, the thrill of that relationship may also subside.

    The bottom line is that you need to decide who you’re committed to: your wife or the other woman. Then, you need to act in ways that show that committment. Otherwise, you’re leading a terrible double life.

    What do you think of this? (And if anyone else has any tips or advice, you’re welcome to share your thoughts!)

    All best,
    Laurie

35. Comment by Laurie PK on 18 June 2009:

    Lisa, I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Not trusting your husband, and those feelings of betrayal and suspicion, are so hard to live with.

    And, after 17 years together, and three kids! It’s heartbreaking. I’m glad you’re in counseling together.

    One of my friends’ husbands cheated on her, and they’ve rebuilt their marriage into a stronger, happier relationhip. It took a couple years to really trust him again, and they do have “systems” in place (eg, he calls her regularly when he’s out of town on business).

    Cheating tears at the fabric of marriage and changes how partners feel about each other — but it doesn’t have to rip relationships apart. Surviving an affair depends on so many things: the reasons for the betrayal, the personalities of the husband and wife, the married couple’s plan for the future, whether kids are involved.

    Lisa, I think you should be honest with him — get it out in the open. I don’t think you should keep checking up on him, because it’s killing your spirit and deadening your soul! Why should you have to monitor his behavior? You have your life and kids to take care of.

    Your husband needs to decide if he’s in or out of your marriage.

    I’d haul him into the counselor’s office and confront him there about what you’ve found. I’d ask for the counselor’s advice on the next step: does he move out until he decides if he’s committed to you or wants to explore another life? When he’s fully, 100% ready to rebuild your marriage, then you can work together. Until then, he’s just lying to you.

    To be fair, losing a job is a terrible experience for many men – it can wreak havoc on their self-confidence and self-image. It’s a difficult situation — but he needs to deal with his life in ways that don’t tear apart his family. He should not be playing around with dating websites and sending pictures to women.

    What’s your next step? And again, my heart goes out to you.

    All best,
    Laurie

36. Comment by Nic on 29 September 2009:

    I recently found out my husband was having an emotional affair with someone he not only commuted to work with, but also a younger woman who introduced him to her religion and attended Kingdom Hall with.

    We have been married almost nine years and have two wonderful boys. Our marriage, for the first five years was good, but the last four were very hard with his completing school, changing jobs ever six months (his choice), moving and then finally forcing his new religion on our family and trying to change our lives. I reacted with resentment and anger. I was feeling completely alone in our marriage by then, but never once thought of finding comfort outside of our relationship. Although he accused me of cheating on him, he was the one having an affair.

    The warning signs are so true!! Coming home later and later, being very critical of everything I did, and cell phone records that were astounding!!! I had the evidence right in front of me, but since he knew I never checked the cell phone records, he felt safe calling her hour after hour and texting over 800 text messages a month – just to her. He would even be on the phone with her, accept my call, then go right back to talking with her. When they weren’t on the phone, they were texting each other. I feel so stupid for not having seen this earlier. He would share important, emotionally charged information with her before he even thought of me. I was always last on the list to find anything out, if at all.

    I think the one thing that hurts me most is that he was more involved with her, as I am struggling with health issues, and not only did I not have his support, but that on my birthday, while I was very ill, he sent her an email(from a secret account) telling her he was thinking about her constantly, and that he fell in love with her.

    I have cried so many days and night since finding out. It’s been almost a month, but feels more like a year. There isn’t a day that goes by where paranoia doesn’t creep in or where I feel somewhat depressed, hurt, betrayed, angry or just tired. It’s getting better, and having my husband talk through my emotions with me has brought us closer as we solve the riddle of what brought us to this point.

    He has admitted, after weeks, that he did have an affair, and has said all communication has been severed with her, and that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life with me and will be here for me no matter what and would marry me again in a heartbeat. I want more than anything to trust him at his word, but both his actions and words have been nothing but a lie for so long; I’m struggling. I’m paranoid for the most part and check cell records online all the time, but there is still the issue of his work phone and blackberry to which he could use to contact her.

    When we discuss the issue, he says it really meant nothing to him and it was over – but her reply to his ending it was that it was her “Q to end her life”. Even if, as he says, he was never going to allow it to become physical and that it was definitely over for him, I don’t think it was that easy for her; but I don’t feel sorry for either one of them, as she was well aware he was married and had children and both of them should have never crossed that line. As hard as it is, I just have to believe that she is indeed out of our lives.

    We are seeing a marriage counselor and we are both very committed to saving out marriage. I just want to wake up one day and feel special again, and know that I can breathe without running to check his cell phone or the summary; that I can look at the man I married and know he is with me physically and emotionally.

    Fortunately, there is a silver lining, even in such a negative situation. We have grown closer, talk about a wide range of issues and topics that we would just fight over before, go on vacations with nary even a thought of a squabble, work through issues with respect and share intimacy in our communication once again. I always like to take something positive from something negative and I guess it took my husband, who is my heart and my center, to completely break our relationship and foundation down to nothing, so we could build back the beauty of trust, love, communication, loyalty and genuine affection for each other as well as ourselves and have a much stronger and wonderful marriage in the end.

    If you can survive the effects of infidelity, no matter what type, then there is really nothing out there which can tear you apart.

37. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 30 September 2009:

    Nic,

    Thanks for sharing your experience — it’s so good to know that couples CAN survive infidelity, and even develop a stronger marriage because of it!

    It almost sounds like getting cancer: you’d never ever wish for it, but sometimes it makes your life better and more meaningful.

    My friend’s husband cheated on her six years ago, and their marriage has never been better. It was a long process of healing and rebuilding trust, but they’re TIGHT now.

    Thanks again for sharing, and I wish you all the best in your marriage.

    Laurie

38. Comment by Mikko Kemppe - Relationship Coach on 31 December 2009:

    I agree with many of Dr. Neuman’s conclusions for why men cheat. I also agree that there is no justifications for men cheating and each and all of us should take personal responsibility for our actions.

    However, I have come to a different conclusion for the primary reason for why men cheat. To see if you agree or disagree, visit the Relationship Journal.com.

39. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 1 January 2010:

    Hi Mikko,

    Thanks for your comment! I visited your blog, but couldn’t find your conclusion about why men cheat. Would you mind sharing it here?

    Thanks,
    Laurie

40. Comment by Ruth on 4 January 2010:

    I am dating a man who has cheated on his ex-wife. I am a very emotionally stable and successful woman in my 40s and do not need a man, I just want a man in my life. The problem is that this man had an affair and a child out of wedlock with a married woman. His wife left him and he ended the affair after his mistress refused to leave her marriage. He started it back up after she refused to allow him to see his daughter unless she continued the affair. He went through some deep soul searching before he met me. We actually met three years ago and he waited to call me til he was separated and alone. He wants to start over and he said that I am different than any other woman he has ever met. I believe the other women in his life were extremely insecure and unstable and have checked out my sources. The problem is that I want to believe that he would never cheat on me but the mistress he had the affair with WILL NOT LEAVE HIM ALONE. He ended it with her and says that it only happened once and that was when we first started dating. He has told all his family members that he wants no one else but me but he still talks to this woman regularly and says its only about his daughter. I set boundaries for him.. but how could I ever live with the thought that it could happen again. Is it possible for him to cut off contact with her completely when they have a daughter together? I know this sounds bad but everyone says he is a really good guy. His wife was terribly abusive and was even arrested.. she cut him down constantly. He had the affair after he discovered he had cancer and went into the hospital. How can I be sure that he will be faithful? Should I demand that he only contact her in writing? Take me with him for visitation exchanges. I want to believe him but I dont’ know what to do. I have been in love and had at least three other relationships (1 marriage) but have never had such an emotionally intimate relationship both mentally and physically with any man in my life and he says the same thing. What should I do? Counseling before I get in any deeper? He is willing to do anything and is desparate for me to give him a chance.

41. Comment by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen on 6 January 2010:

    Dear Ruth,

    I think you know the answer to at least one of the questions you asked! He can’t cut off contact with the mother of his daughter — there’s no way to do that without cutting off contact with his daughter, which would be terrible for her. So, you need to accept that he has to have contact with the woman he cheated on his wife with.

    You could be with him at every visitation exchange, but how would you monitor their phone calls or email messages? And that’s what it would feel like — that you have to MONITOR their contact to make sure it’s all innocent and legitimate. This doesn’t make for a healthy, trusting relationship.

    There is no way you can be sure he’ll be faithful. I don’t think any wife or girlfriend can EVER be 100% sure her husband won’t cheat! There are no guarantees in life or relationships, my friend, no matter how wonderful the people in the relationship are.

    I don’t know how long you’ve been dating him, but I suggest you keep it at the dating level for at least one year. I understand that it’s intimate and exciting and passionate — but he’s made some bad choices in his past marriage, and he chose an unstable woman to cheat with.

    Yes, I think counseling is a great idea. It’s a positive sign that he’s willing to go to counseling with you — and I encourage you to take him up on it. My husband and I did premarital counseling, and it set a healthy, strong tone for our marriage (though we still have our sticky moments!).

    I wish you all the best, and hope you come back to let me know how things are going.

    Blessings,
    Laurie

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